Should You Use AI to Write Your Dating Profile or Send Texts?

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AI is fantastic at gathering information like that. So if you want to use it for fact finding, information gathering. Hey, you know, I heard somebody talk about breadcrumbing. What's breadcrumbing? That is the best use of AI in terms of how to apply it to your own life. I think that's where AI really falls short.

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam lodolce, a professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy.

Hello, everybody. Welcome to another episode of the Love Strategies podcast. I'm your host for today, Dr. Gary Lewandowski. I'm the chief love scientist at Love Strategies. I got to tell you, super excited about today's episode. Have you ever had an idea that's just been kind of like, you think it's a good idea and it's been floating around in your head for a little while, but, you know, there's just. It's just not quite there yet. Well, I've had an idea for a podcast that I've wanted to do for like, six months or so, and it wasn't until today I went for a run and I just started thinking about today's topic, and I don't know, it's just like there's something about this morning running. I don't know, it just all kind of came together. And so I am super psyched to talk about this today. So what we're talking about today is this question of should you use AI or artificial intelligence to make your dating life easier? AI Right now, all the rage has been for about a year. Every day there's new news out there about artificial intelligence and how it's going to make our lives easier or take our jobs or God, God knows what, right? Um, and so it's just natural. I mean, I, I, I can apply anything to relationships. But you know, we all know dating can be hard, right? And so of course, who wouldn't want to do everything possible to make your dating life easier? And so if artificial intelligence, this AI stuff, can make everything else in your life easier, why not dating, right? And so let's just start off with just a little bit of background. So what is AI? So I, I decided rather than coming up with my own version of what I, what I say AI is because I'm not an expert in AI, I asked one of the AI software things to tell me. And so this particular AI software said, AI, what does it do? It engages in text based conversations with users like yourself, right? So you actually kind of type into it and it almost has a conversation with you. And it said, I can answer questions, provide information on various topics, assist with problem solving, generate text based prompts, offer advice that caught my attention, and even engage in casual conversation. And like I said, I used, I use one of these large language model AI apps. I'm not going to specify which one because I have no opinion or knowledge about which one's better or worse and all that kind of stuff. I will just say, you know, some of the most popular ones right now, which, which can change week to week. I mean there's literally new things coming out all the time. ChatGPT is probably the most popular one that the one most people have heard of. There's also something called Claude AI and then Google, Facebook, Microsoft, everybody has their own thing. And if they don't have it, the moment I'm saying this, like I said, in a day or two, who knows, right? I mean this stuff is just moving so, so fast. And so, you know, these AI models can help us with all kinds of things. They said, problem solving, fact finding, all that kind of stuff. But offering advice, well, I mean, advice about what, right? And so what about dating advice? Can AI really help? And if it can help, would people trust this? Right? And the question I like to think about is like, should people trust AI to give them dating relationship advice? Here's the crazy thing I did, did a little digging. It's already happening, right? According to data from Singles in America study, this is large scale Data analysis of Match.com users, they report that 27% of online daters feel optimistic about using AI for their dating life. So that's one in four people. One in four people are like, yeah, AI is going to help make my dating life easier. They report that at this moment, right? And this was data from last year. Six percent of singles have been using artificial intelligence in their dating life. So now of that 6% now, I mean, considering all the users that they have, I mean, 6%, it's a small percentage, but it's a large number of people, but still a small percent, but probably, if we're going to be honest, probably likely to grow going forward. Of the people who are using AI, what are they using it for? So 43% of those people have used artificial intelligence to help write their dating profile. Right? So some, you know, you reading dating profiles like, wow, this sounds a little robotic. Well, maybe it is. We also have 37 presents. There's about one in three people use AI to craft the first message they send to somebody on a dating app. Again, you know, some of those probably feel a little robotic at times and, you know, may, maybe they are. Okay, so here's. That's what people are actually doing, right? So 43% of the people who use AI, right, helping to write their dating profile, some people are using it to help write the first message. Now here's what people think about AI. People think that the AI you, the use of AI. So these are. People use AI, what do they think it's doing? They think it helps them get better matches. They think it helps them get more matches, which we might have a debate about whether more matches are actually a good thing or not. And they think it's making meeting potential partners a faster process. Now this is what they think is going on. And what we know from psychology is what people think is true doesn't often match up so well with what's actually true. And then overall, a third of singles think that AI is, is capable of doing a good job of assessing compatibility between partners. Okay. I'll just say that makes sense on some logical level in that, you know, there's a lot of factors that go into compatibility. So, you know, what better to help with this, you know, all managing all these factors and weighing all these factors and, and just kind of thinking about how they all combine than artificial intelligence, which can, you know, manage all this stuff at once so far, right? What we know from the psychological research and the relationship science on compatibility and which, you know, some of that, some of that research has used machine learning and, and fancy data and does all this factoring and all these. It's really darn hard. It's really, really hard to assess compatibility because there's just so Many things that factor into it. And a lot of what people think they want is not actually what they want. What people say they want isn't a lot of what they follow through on. And so compatibility is mysterious, mainly because for many of us dating, it's mysterious to us in terms of we don't always fully know what makes somebody compatible for us. And so it just, it makes the whole thing hard. Now, can we problem solve those things in the future? Perhaps. I mean, I just rate it now. You know, at this moment, a third of the people who think AI is going to help, probably not in the near term future, but you know, who knows any things are going to accelerate pretty fast. Maybe in five years, ten years, who knows? Okay, so here's the fun thing that I decided to do with Can AI help? We have people who are using AI with online dating and things like that. I thought I would put AI to the test with a common question that Adam and I get all the time. Something people love to talk about is, you know, what kinds of texts should you send? Like, what's the best kind of text to send a guy? Specifically, the question we get about this is what's a flirty text I can send a guy? I know Adam gets asked this a lot. He's got a whole little ebook all about this. And this is something people ask me a lot too, is like, you know, what's the best thing? So rather than trying to answer this myself, I did what I did before and I put this into AI to see what AI would tell me in terms of what's the best flirty text to send to a guy. Okay, so here's what the large language model had to say about this. Okay, this is the text. Hey there. Just wanted to let you know that you've been on my mind lately. Your smile has a way of brightening up my day. Care to join me for. And then they have a little prince, the insert activity here. Sometimes I have a feeling it would be a lot of fun with you by my side Emoji. So that's the text. Okay.

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I'll say it one more time. Hey there. Just wanted to let you know you've been on my mind lately. Your smile has a way of brightening up my day. Care to join me for insert activity sometime? I have a feeling it would be a lot of fun with you by my side. Smiley emoji first. Bonus points. I did not anticipate them being able to put in emojis. Emojis in texts generally a good thing, as long as you're using them appropriately. The one they chose, it's like a smiley, rosy cheek face. It doesn't seem as so flirty to me, so. And in any case. Okay, so with that suggestion, on a scale of one to ten, I put that text at about a solid three and a half. It's not great. Here. Here's a couple of things that you know in terms of how we coach women in love strategies, what we would say about texts like that. First, it's way too long. Guys don't want to read a paragraph. They don't. They don't want an essay. They don't. Even though you're saying a lot of nice things in there, it's like, we were quick, punchy, right? Like, let's. Let's get to the point. The other thing that's going on in that text is there's a lot of chasing and chasing everything, you know, saying things like, you've been on my mind. Care to join me? Like, you're inviting him on things. And it's. It's. It's the opposite of what we coach, quite honestly. We coach, you know, have the guy take the lead. You want to be approachable. You want to make sure you're showing interest. But it's kind of up to him to pace things, take the lead, move things forward. You don't want to give off any sort of needy or pick me energy. And a text that says, you've been on my mind, care to join me? Particularly early stages of a relationship, you know, you're in the first month, couple of weeks, couple of dates. Like, you don't want to be putting that out out there. The other thing that this text from the AI does, it suggests to. It focuses on a smile, like your smile, as a way of brightening up my day. Okay, cheesy canned line aside, we would suggest when we coach women on texts, like, don't focus on physical features, right? Like, we want to make this not about anything physical, not anything superficial. Focus on character. Character is enduring. Like, focus on his intellect, his humor, things like that. And. And things, quite frankly, that other women aren't necessarily going to focus on. Like, it's. It's so obvious and expected and maybe even a touch boring to focus on superficial qualities like your smile. Like, okay, but like, you know, you're. Something about is how funny is, you know, how inspiring. You know, anything that's just kind of a little bit out of the norm. That. And again, not. Not physical thing. The last piece I would say about this text. You know, the last line. I have a feeling it would be a lot of fun with you by my side. Definitely flirty. I would say we suggest, right. Be cautious with texts early on, especially about making things too suggestive or overly sexual, because here's the thing, his mind goes there anyway. Doesn't need help, doesn't need encouragement. And you don't want to start a relationship based solely on him finding you physically appealing. That's great for the short term. It feels amazing short term, but that has a way of not lasting. It fizzles out very quick. And so he's automatically going to think those thoughts anyhow. He doesn't need you to encourage those thoughts. And so I would. I would suggest staying away from. From the physical. Okay, so like I said, I mean, that text is going to want to 10 solid. Maybe three and a half, maybe a. Maybe a four for use of emoji. Who knows? Here's the thing. I wanted to keep doing this over and over and over again. And then it. I did. I did a lot. It doesn't get much better. But so I do want to just one. One more that I. I asked it. So what you can do is after it gives you a response, you basically can say, can you try again? Right? And it's because it's conversational. Just kind of throw it out there. So I said, same thing. You know, it was the same original prompt after they gave that first one. I said, hey, can you try again? So here's the second attempt, right? This is from artificial intelligence, right? Second attempt at a text. Flirty text. It says, hey, handsome. Just a friendly reminder that you make my heart race every time I see you. Goofy, winky sort of emoji. How about we grab a coffee slash drink sometime and continue this electrifying connection we've got going on? Question mark. Can't wait to see that charming smile of yours again. All right, so I'm going to read that one more time. This is the AI generated flirty text. Hey, handsome. Just a Friendly reminder that you make my heart race every time I see you. Awkward. Flirt, winky emoji. How about we grab a coffee drink sometime and continue this electrifying connection we've got going on? Can't wait to see that charming smile of yours again. Okay, this one, I feel, I don't know, maybe because it's the second attempt and I just had aspirations that it would get better. This is a 3 out of 10. Like this, this somehow feels worse to me. Again, it's super long. Like, we don't want these long things. They use an emoji again. Okay, this one was even weirder. It just, it. I don't know, the winky, it was like. It's not even like the flirty wink. It's like the sly smile. I don't know. There's a lot of cheesy lines in here, right? Like, you make my heart race. Like, come on. Like, that's. No one. No, no one, no reasonable person should talk like that. It sounds like a bad romance novel, right? Which, that these mo. These AI models, they. They grab everything that's been written that they can get their hands on, their virtual hands on, so to speak. So it's not surprising that that kind of stuff gets in there because it is, it's. It's like pseudo overly saccharine romanticism. It's just. Instead of you, like, so this text basically says, you know, it kind of puts you in the driver's seat of setting the date for going for a coffee or drink. And you know, again, that's a little bit of chasing. Better than the last one, but this is a little bit of chasing. And so what we would suggest when we coach women on sending texts and how to, how to have these interactions is rather than you setting the dates, you say something like, you should plan a coffee date for us, right? So you make it clear you want to go on a coffee date, but it's leaving it up to him to actually put it into practice, right? It's getting him to invest in the relationship, and that is super, super important to make sure he's got some buy in, he's got some investment. He's putting, you know, as they say, some skin in the game. So that's what we would suggest. We wouldn't set, say, you know, you start making all the plans and all that stuff. So lean. Well, I always say lean back so he can step forward, right? Lean back so he can step up. Any way you want to think about it. I'd also just say this one. I 3 out of 10. Because I find this one, this text, really cringy. There's a part in there that says electrifying connection that we've got going on. No, no, don't ever write that. That's just. That's awful. Awful. I can be a little snobby about writing stuff. But seriously, let's. Can't wait to see that charming smile. Ah, come on. Like that's bad too. Let's continue. This electrifying connection. Ugh, you make my heart race. Like, no. No reasonable person should talk like that. And no one should ever, ever text like that. And so. AI not great. Like I said before, you know, this is something I. I kind of wish Adam was here. Hopefully he's not upset with me for, for doing this one solo. I just kind of got excited about it. But he has a whole ebook on texting and how to. How to send the right kinds of texts that, you know, we share with our clients. But what's a couple of the things that I know he suggests that I think are really useful that are very contrary to what this AI stuff is suggesting is basically keep your text really simple, right? Like one of the best simple texts that I know I've heard him give, as, as an example is something like you're out in the world, you take a picture of something and you say, hey, I saw this and it reminded me of you. It could be something that you guys talked about over other texts. It's, you know, something you took that reminded you of his profile. Something about a conversation you had on your first meetup, but just like a little saw this and it reminded me of. And it could be anything. It doesn't even have to be something profound. This doesn't have to be the world's top notch content. Just. Just a little something, right? It could just, you know, a dog or a. The cloud or the size, anything. Another thing that I know Adam suggests is to keep your texts, again, short but playful. Like after a weekend, you just send a. Send a text. Bet my weekend beat yours. Oh, that's not a text that guys get all the time. And it's like a little competitive guys like that, right? And it's a little intriguing, mysterious, like, huh, If I get that text, I'm wondering, what does she do? No, did I. My weekend might have beat hers. I get that little competitive juice going. So that's a good one. And I think when guys send you texts about things like they're going to send like, so let's say a guy sends you a Text that says something about electrifying connection or heart racing every time I see you, you could say, hey, that was a pretty good text. But you're going to have to do better than that. Like a little competitive challenge, like, that was pretty good. But I feel like you can do better, right? Kind of get him to step up and again, invest. Right. Put, put something into this. The other thing, you know, when I, as I was kind of playing around with this and asking the AI different questions, one of the things I realized is AI, it's great in the sense that you ask it a question, it gives you an answer. The thing it's not good at though, is if you're asking the wrong question. Right. So one of the things you could do for dating advice with asking AI is ask a question like, how do I get a guy to like me? It'll give you answers for that. But you know, in terms of how we coach and what we suggest for, for our clients, we would say that's the wrong question. Right. You know, it's not about trying to get a guy to like you. It's, you have to decide whether you like them. And he's naturally going to like you, of course. Why wouldn't he like you? Right. You don't have to. You're not trying to win him over and all, you just, you just be you. You be you and see if you like him. Don't decide how you feel about him based on how he feels about you. You decide. Another common question that people ask about relationships, that I think would just be a bad question, and I will give you answers to this is how do I avoid arguments in a relationship? Right? And we would say, and I say this to clients all the time, you don't avoid arguments. That's the last thing you want to do. Like, you want to lean into those opportunity opportunities to, you know, resolve conflict. Right. And you never want to let an opportunity for improvement of your relationship pass you by. And that's what conflict and misunderstandings are all about. It's about gaining more clarity, understanding each other better. And so, you know, we would never say avoid arguments. We'd say, here's how you have better, more productive conversations. And so that's just the kind of nuance that the AI is just not going to be able to provide. It's just going to give you answers. And, you know, sometimes relationships are complicated. You know, answers need a lot of context. Um, so, you know, overall, why There's a couple reasons and there's a couple research based reasons why AI for dating advice is not great, as you saw. Like, suggestions for some basic strategic ways of sending something simple, like a flirty text. They all kind of suck, right? I mean, they're basic, they're vanilla. They just generally have an odd, weird romance attempt at ro. It's like a. I feel like it's like the kind of text like a 10th grade N. Maybe 9th grade boy would send. Like, they're just. They're just not great. Here's the. Here's the big problem. You using AI to get your relationship going is a little inauthentic. Like, how would you feel if your partner captured your attention using AI? You probably wouldn't like it. It's just like if you're, you know, it. It goes back to that old, you know, Cyrano de Bergerac kind of thing of like, do you like falling in love with somebody based on them getting their words from somebody else? Like, what if you're texting a guy and he's texting you things that his friend sitting next to him is telling him to say? Like, you wouldn't like that either. And so, you know, AI is kind of like having a weird robotic friend telling you what to say. I also say, you know, like, the AI stuff is just a little bit weird. There's a woman, Janelle Shane, who did a book about pickup lines according to artificial intelligence, right? And so according to artificial intelligence, the best pickup line was, you look like a thing and I love you. Factually accurate, you do look like a thing. Maybe you love them. That's not a great pickup line. That's, in fact, one of the worst pickup lines I've ever heard. And so you just. There's like a certain emotional intelligence that needs to go into a lot of this dating stuff that the AI just. It's got intelligence, emotional intelligence. It does not have. Maybe yet, maybe ever, but definitely not now. Some people have actually done some research looking at the title of their paper was actually should chatgpt Write my Breakup Text? And the researchers did a little bit of work on this, did some interviews, talked to people, and essentially their conclusion, there's a quote. Current technologies often fall short in fully addressing the nuanced needs of individuals. So essentially, should chat GPT write your breakup text? No, it's essentially what they're saying. Like, it just doesn't do a good job because, again, artificial intelligence is not emotional intelligence. There's also research that shows there are just certain experiences in life that people really want and value a human element, right? And so examples of that Art, Right. Can we appreciate art that's made by artificial intelligence? Yes. Does it mean more to us somehow if we know a human was behind that artwork also? Yes. Right. So art means more when we know there's a human behind it. Music's the same way. We can appreciate artificially created music, but when there's a human element behind it. Right. So AI could write songs about breakup, right? And they might even be decent, right? They might be decent, you might like them, they have a good whatever, but it doesn't have the same gravitas or feeling as when Taylor Swift or Olivia Rodrigo writes songs about breakup because, you know, they've lived those experiences. You can identify with your fellow humans experience. And there's just that recognition of yourself and others that you just. You're just not going to get with artificial intelligence. Right. And I think it's the same thing when it comes to love and relationships and figuring out how to navigate the very complicated world of love, is that you really want to make sure you have somebody on the other side of that, a person, in this case, right. Who has emotional intelligence, who has had some similar experience, who has actually felt some of the same feelings that you felt. And that's just not going to be possible with AI it's just not yet. And, you know, like I said, maybe ever. So I don't. I don't want to be a total downer about AI because I do think, you know, anytime anybody says it's completely useless, there's nothing completely useless. Everyone, you know something, there's always a use for something. So I was thinking about, you know, how. How would I. If someone really wants to use AI, how would I suggest using it? One of the things I would say is, you know, if you want help with writing a profile or if you want help writing a message to somebody, you could always use AI for the first draft. That way you have something to revise. You're not looking at a blank page. Sometimes the blank page is very intimidating for some people, and it's just hard to get going. So if you can use AI to kind of get you going, you can even ask it for bullet points that way. And then you just take that material and then you can revise it, tailor it to your own self and things like that. One caveat with that, though, is you want to make sure you're not over reliant. Because if you start relying on AI too much to craft things you're saying to your partner, you'll start losing your ability to feel like you can generate those things yourself. And then when you're out in real life and you don't have the AI helper, it can feel like it's harder to come up with some of your own unique material because you've always been using the AI to help out. So I would, you can use it to get rid of the blank page. I think that is a really good use for it. But I would also, you know, still caution about over relying on it. Right. It just, it just becomes, it can be a crutch and that can, that can be rough. The one other thing, the one thing I do think AI is really good for that if you need information about things like you want to learn, you know, what are the different types of love, right. AI is fantastic at gathering information like that. So if you want to use it for fact finding, information gathering, hey, you know, I heard somebody talk about breadcrumbing. What's breadcrumbing? That is the best use of AI in terms of how to apply it to your own life. I think that's where AI really falls short. And so, you know, I'm just going to conclude with it with a take home. And this is from psychologist Adam Grant. Super famous, amazing podcast, TED Talks, all that, all that great stuff. A real kind of personal idol of mine, he, I don't know, this is a little while ago, but I'm going to say three months, maybe six months ago, he had a podcast where he was talking to chess grandmaster Maurice Ashley on the greatest on why mistake, on why mistakes are greatest teachers. Right. So that was the title. And so it's like how we can learn from our mistakes. And you know, in that it was a great conversation in general, I highly suggest you check that podcast out. As a teacher, I found it fascinating. But one of the things that their conversation kind of meandered into this idea of how does artificial intelligence work for coaching? And this is what Adam Grant had to say. This is a quote from him, so quote. One of the things I've noticed so far is that AI is terrible at coaching. Terrible. Like you ask for advice on anything. And so far, tools like Claude and ChatGPT give you the most banal, trite suggestions you could possibly think of. And I think this is where there's still a great human advantage. And like most things, I, I, I agree with Adam Grant. I, I think there's some great uses for artificial intelligence and AI and, and these, ChatGPT, Claude, AI and, and all these other tools for information gathering, for learning about new topics. But when it comes to Practical, strategic, let's put this stuff to use to make our love life and dating experience better. Got some serious doubts, I think, you know, like Adam Grant says, you know, there's still a great human advantage because once again, you know, I mean, emotional intelligence is different from artificial intelligence. And dating really, really, at this point, is in, in our lives, thankfully, in my opinion, requires a whole lot of emotional intelligence. So hopefully I, I, like I said, I, I've been, I was super jazzed to talk about this for a very, very long time. So, you know, if you stuck around, in the end, hopefully you find this as fascinating as I do and, you know, we'll just kind of see where this AI takes dating in the future. All right, thanks, everybody.

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