Sick of Guys Ghosting? Here are 3 Reasons Why It Keeps Happening

In some ways, there's a reframe here. Okay. In some ways, it can be better to be ghosted on because he's just shown such a low level of character that, screw that guy. He can go live his life. This thing is done. I wouldn't even want anything to do with someone who would ever do that to another human being. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences, your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. All right, today, Gary, we are going to be talking about ghosting. I'm not gonna lie, dude. I was gonna ghost on you today just to, like, make you feel the pain of ghosting so we could talk about. Honestly, I'm, I'm on vacation mode. I'm going on a cruise later this week. Yeah, that's why I'm wearing, like, my Boca Raton. For those who are watching this on YouTube, like, I'm going to Miami. I'm getting ready. It's a bachelor party. So I'm like going with a bunch of 30 year old guys and I'm like the old dude who's got the invite.

And so I don't know now, so were you the old guy that was invited because you're old and responsible or because you're old and very irresponsible?

Oh, definitely the latter. I'm very irresponsible. I'm actually probably the least mature of most of these men, but it's my wife's best friend. She's marrying this guy who's now a really good friend of mine. But I was like, sure, I'll go. 20 guys going and. And then me with the gray hair.

What could go wrong?

Yeah, what. What could go wrong? So if I ghost you next week, that's.

That's what it's gonna happen.

We really know.

I'm.

I'm hopefully gonna come back with a great 10. Very well rested, relaxed. But realistically, I'm gonna look like crap next week, so prepare yourself.

I. I just hope you come back, right? I mean, I've, I've seen the Hangover. I just hope you make it back. So good luck to You.

Oh, my gosh.

Like, I hope the whole thing, you know, you can bring back a pet tiger. That's fine, too. Just come back, please. We need you.

Honestly, Gary, I go to bed at, like, 9. 00pm I'll. I'll be up early working. I'll be just, like, relaxing. Trust me, I'm the lame dude on this trip. That is for sure. But anyways, back to today's topic. We're going to be talking about why this happens, and I consider ghosting to be the rudest thing a person can do to another human being throughout the dating process. So give you some insight as to why this might be happening to you if you've experienced this before and go from there. Gary, I know you have a story from a client. This recently came up, and that's maybe why we're talking about it today. So why don't you want to talk a little bit about that?

Yeah, I mean, I think ghosting is probably the number one thing that clients complain about the most. Like, guys today, they're ghosting all the time. And so, know, I do have a. A story, but it's like, it wasn't. I had. I felt like, hundreds of stories to choose from because this comes up so frequently. But this one in particular is just. It stings. Like, this one's. This is a bad one, right? And so I just thought I. I would share this one just to kind of really set the. Set the tone for this, because I do think sometimes you were, like, you know, texting with a guy for a day, and then he stops texting. Like, he goes to me, like, that's not fully go. Like, he just stopped texting you right now.

It's not ghosting unless you meet in real life, right?

Like, and so, like, this. This one's a real life one. Okay, so the client's name is Joan. Okay. That's a fake because we don't want to divulge who. Who this person is. She was dating this guy Dave. That is his real name, because screw that guy. He ghosted. He's a terrible dude. So that is exactly. Real name.

All right, Dave. So if you're. If anyone else there is dating a Dave, then dump them, because he's. He's gonna go, no, no. All right, Screw that guy.

This guy, for seven months. They were serious. They had to define the relationship. Things were great, right?

Yeah.

Everything was clicking. Tons of chemistry. They were going to an anniversary dinner.

Okay.

He was late. Okay. Not typical. But it wasn't the first time he was late either. She thought nothing of it, grabbed a drink at the bar and on their seven month anniversary date that they had, she's at the bar getting a drink, just waiting because like, he'll be here any minute. He never showed. Never showed up at all. And like she, according to her, had no idea. There were no signs, like everything literally was wonderful. They made this arrangement and he never showed. So she ate her anniversary dinner at the bar by herself. Oh, and like she talked about this on one of our.

Such a thing.

Yeah.

And it was like, that's, that's extreme.

I mean, that's a ghost, right? I mean, like, that's, that's terrible. And it's like, you just see like everybody. It's just, it's like, it's like that's a horrible, horrible experience.

Yeah.

And so, you know, she doing, she rebounded like, you know, and I think she, she has rebounded from that quite nicely because it's, you know, a lot of things we're going to talk about today, you know, and this gives a little bit of way, but like ghosting says so much more about the other person. Like, so this is a, in this case, a Dave problem.

Yeah.

Right. And it's something she, it's hard to realize at first because there's no closure and there's a lot of wondering and it's like, what the hell's going on?

Yeah.

But then you start realizing like it's, it's not as much about you as it is about them.

The degree of low character behavior that is ghosting. It's so low to just ghost on someone, especially once you're months into a relationship. In seven months. I've, you know, I've been doing this for a long time and I've never heard of anything that extreme. And to experience that and he, he doesn't respond, he just doesn't show up. God, it's like the most annoying advice or the most annoying wisdom in the world, which is just you dodged a bullet at least. Yeah. Right. Because what a low character move on.

That guy, you know, and there, there was nothing. If everything was really going so well for so long, it wasn't anything you were doing. Like, it's like something changed in his, you know, there's. Who knows? Right. And that's, that's the frustrating thing about ghosting is that it feels personal, but at the same time it's hard for it to be that personal. But yeah, you just don't know because there's absolutely no closure. And so I think, you know, the fact of the matter is as much as ghosting always seems like it's completely out of nowhere, there probably were some signs or some groundwork that was laid that made ghosting more likely. And that's what we're going to talk a little bit about today, is like, why does this happen? And just some of the things you can kind of do to be on the lookout for it and some things you can do to prevent.

Yeah. And I. And I think I would move that probably to definitely signs of ghosting. I mean, it's just when we're in that stage of a new relationship, we have a way of overlooking the signs and the risks that are involved in getting involved with a person, because we're in that just early honeymoon stage of a relationship where, oh, my God, this person is perfect. He's incredible. And we just are. It's like our brain doesn't register those signs, those small signs that we see along the way. And it's. I. I would be willing to bet my life, I would be willing to bet my trip going on a cruise this weekend that there were signs there that we may have overlooked. And that's not coming from a place of. Of lack of compassion of what she's going through. But what we can do at least is bring these learnings forward to the new relationship that she will eventually find.

Yeah. Because I. I think it's like anything else. Like, once you learn more about any topic. Right. And so, like, for both of us, and then I say this to clients all the time, is like, because I know you know so much about relationships, you see things. You don't just see the first layer. You see several layers back as well. And you kind of see, like, where things are going and where things from. And so, you know, that's the whole point of, you know, people listening to a podcast like, this is just learn more about relationships so you see more of the nuance. You kind of get to peek around corners a little bit and see what's coming in a way that most people just can't because they don't have this information.

Right.

And so, you know, with ghosting, before we start talking about what it is, I think it's super important to talk about what's not going on when someone ghosts because you get into the problem of ghosting. And like we just said about, like, missing some of the signs because of wishful thinking. And so some. Every once in a while we'll get clients when somebody ghosts and they start coming up with a bunch of reasons what's going on, like, they don't want to believe he ghosted, so they think other things are going on.

Should we define what ghosting is even before we get into that? For those who don't know?

Could you do that for us?

Yeah, of course. I mean, ghosting is just simply when you are dating someone in real life. Not online dating, not chatting. You've gone on. I would say we consider it more than three dates with a person and then you just never hear from the game from them again. They don't respond to your texts. They just seem to literally disappear. Kind of like a ghost. Now I, I lay that down because some people will go on a first date with someone and they never hear from that person again. Be like, oh, he ghosted me. Yeah, there's, there's an argument for that being ghosting, but that's kind of part of the 21st century dating world. I'm not excusing it, but like, from where we stand, from in love strategies, how we teach it, it's really once you start to develop a real connection with a person and then they just disappear out of nowhere. Hey there, ladies. As you can see, we're just getting this podcast off the ground. And since we don't run any ads, I only have one quick favorite ask in return. Can you just take a quick second right now, pause this episode and just leave us a review wherever it is that you're listening to. The podcast really help us out a lot and it really does spread the love and I think the world needs a little bit more of that. So I appreciate you. Now let's get back to the show.

Yeah, And I think, you know, we, people miss the signs, like we were saying, because of wishful thinking and just ignoring obvious things. Right. And so, you know, when ghosting happens, there's this like, other form of wishful thinking that kicks in where it's like, he didn't ghost me. He just lost my number, his phone broke, his battery died. You know, he just got really, really busy at work for the last week and a half. Right, Right. He just is so scared by how much he's in love with me that it's overwhelming for him and he's giving himself a two week break.

He likes me so much that he doesn't want to be near me because when he's with me, he just feels so much. So now he's going to dis year. I've heard that.

And I was gonna say, I'll admit, I never, I did not think of that one on my own. Like That's. I've. But I've heard that, like, almost word for word. It's like exactly how you just said, like, he loves me so much.

Yeah, I've heard guys say that too, about women. You're like, oh, dude, she was so into me that, like, she just needed a little bit of a break for me because she couldn't handle it. I'm like, okay, guy. Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly what happens. Okay. She was so into you, bro. The other big one was saying this.

Yeah. Right. It's like someone just doesn't know any better. And I think the other one that kind of falls under that too, is like, you know, they were in it. They were in a bad car accident. And you start, like, spinning out on these, like, fictionalized stories. Like, there was a car accident or a kidnapping or someone died or this kind of stuff. Or, like, maybe he's dead. Maybe I gotta call the police. Maybe I gotta track him down. It's like, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah.

And all of these things. He's stupid. Like, the thing that I. I remind people of all the time is like, a text takes seconds.

Yeah.

And you're not getting a text.

Right.

And so no answer is an answer. Like, everyone's like, but I don't have closure. I don't have closure. I don't have closure. You do, because texting takes three seconds, and he hasn't been bothered enough to do that. So that's closure.

That is the closure. No response is response. And I wouldn't truly close the book on anything until it's been a week, if it's a week of nothingness now, like, look, I've had clients come on. Or I've worked with people, men and women, who will be like, I haven't heard back in four hours. I haven't heard back in a day. He's ghosting me. Ah, let's lower the temperature here a little bit, okay? Like, who knows? But if it's been a week, and I mean, everyone has their phone attached to their hip. Now we're getting to the ghosting territory. And that's when I would be closing that book for good. Quick side tangent, I gotta ask because I want to make this a little bit personal. Gary, have you ever been ghosted on before?

I have not.

You've never been ghosted?

No. I mean, I've been married for 20 plus years, so it's. It's tough.

Yeah, fair enough. I once. I. I once got ghosted. I was ghosted on, but I completely deserved it. I was like dating this, this girl who I really liked, but I was, I think I was like 26 at the time. And I was going through the phase. I was like, so confused about what I wanted. And I really liked her, though. And I remember she, she asked me, she's like, so what are you looking for? I'm like, I just really want to, like, keep things exactly the way they are. Like, I don't really want to make this very serious right now, but I really want to keep seeing you. Basically, I'm saying like, I want the girlfriend experience without the, the commitment and all that stuff. All the stuff we tell you women to avoid like the plague. And then I remember leaving and feeling good and then she just never responded to me ever again. Like, that was it. She completely goes something. And we were seeing each other for like three months. And I gotta say, I was like, you go, girl. Like, I literally came out of this being like, good for you. You just dodged a bullet, like thinking back on it. But yeah, and then I like looked her up, seriously. Like a year later, she was like engaged to another guy and she moved back to, I think Florida or something like that. I was like, good for you. I mean, she should have probably said something, but whatever, maybe not. She goes to. She got out of the situation and so.

Well, you know, she. She did what was best for her at the moment and, you know, like you said, maybe dodged a 26 year old Adam bullet.

Yeah. Yeah. And.

And she did.

She definitely dodged a bullet. Stay away. I wasn't really ready for anything serious like marriage until I was about 30.

Right.

But with that said, I should say, like, when it comes to dating. And I know I'm going off script here, Gary, so bear with me. But there is no problem with ending it with someone where you don't see a future. Like, everyone needs to realize that men, women, whoever, whatever relationship you're in, if you're not feeling it, that's okay. And to have an honest conversation with someone that is okay. What's not okay is just completely disappearing. And that is a coward move. Like, when a man does that to a woman, he is being a coward. He really is. Like, just step up to the plate. Give her a call. I mean, I remember one, one woman in particular I was talking to and dating and we only went out in like three or four dates, but it just wasn't right. Like I wasn't feeling it. And the old me probably would have, I don't know, texted her or something like that, but I'm like, you know what? I'm gonna live by, like, kind of a I want to give good dating karma. We talk a lot about that in our coaching. Like, good dating vibes, good dating karma. And I called her and I was like, hey, I just don't see this being a fit, you know, whatever, yada, yada, yada. And she's like, thank you. Thank you for just calling and letting me know that. I really appreciate that. And so I think it's a lesson for all of us to try. It's like the classic, the golden rule. I just treat people the way you want to be treated. And for all of us out there, if you want to get the good dating vibes, good karma out there, just be upfront with people and expect the same from others. So I just. I have no time for men who do that to women, and I have no time for women who do that to men. It's just. It's so rude.

How many times do people say they can. They just want the other person to communicate, right? I mean, that's what we always want. And, you know, how many times do people who are dating just, you know, it's an adult thing to do, right? And it's like, you. You have to be an adult in date. In the dating world, you have to be willing and able to have tough conversations, right? Whether you're giving that tough conversation to somebody else or being on the receiving end of a tough conversation. You know, we always say we want open and honest communication, and you have to be willing to hear the tough news, and you have to be willing to give the tough news. And it's just something that you get better and better at as. As you get older, and you just kind of real. Like, we're all adults here. You know, we all actually want the same thing. And it's better that I'm telling you this now on day seven instead of a year seven, right? I mean, like, that's important. And so we want to make sure we're doing that. And I think, you know, part of being an adult in all this is taking a little bit of responsibility and not blaming all men. Like, I mean, that's one thing you'll hear from. From folks is all men are like this. All men ghosts all the time. I'm gonna. You know, guys are terrible. Especially guys on the apps. They're terrible. It's like, no, that's. It's. That's not true. That's not all of them. Some of them. Some guys, some of the times, but not all guys. All the time. And so, you know, it's counterproductive. We've talked about this in other podcasts, so we won't belabor this, but it's just counterproductive to play the victim. Like, this is always happening to you. It's like it's not your fault entirely, but it's not. You're not completely blameless either. And so you just kind of have to accept some part of it as, you know, what part of this are you controlling and what part do you play in this? And so that's really what we're going to talk about today. And we're talking about, you know, three. Three of the reasons why guys ghost.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I think with anything that happens in our life, taking ownership is, like, first step. Like, the winners I've met in life are the ones who, like, something bad happens to them and they look for ways to take ownership.

They don't.

And then the people who always struggle in life look for ways to blame others and. And play the victim card. It's just crazy. And I've, like, I've just noticed this a lot with people. And, yeah, if you're taking ownership, sometimes you're taking ownership of stuff that isn't even your fault, but you're like, hey, I can only control myself. I can only control the way I show up on these dates. I can only control the guys that I choose to go out with. Even if that one decision is what led ultimately to the ghosting that is still on you. Like, you did make that decision.

So. Right.

I think it's just so powerful and empowering. This is the biggest thing. I know we belabor this many times, but I think it's worth mentioning again, it's empowering to take ownership, because if you don't take ownership, then guess what? Men are the problem. I can't change men. So screw it. I'm not going to date anymore. So, all right, let's jump into these. These three things. Let's do it.

So one of the reasons why men are ghosting, and this is something women can take some responsibility over, is you're. And this is you're doing this without realizing you're sending the wrong signals or the signals you're sending to guys are confusing. They're not clear enough. And sometimes it's as simple as you're just not as emotionally available as you think you are. Right. You're not being as vulnerable, perhaps, as.

You think you are. Are.

And that's, you know, maybe because you don't want to get hurt. And so you're holding back. And so the guy could possibly read that as, huh, she's just not that into me. And you have to remember guys, they don't want to get rejected either. And so if he's kind of reading like a hesitation on your part, he may not be thinking it's about vulnerability or anything like that. He might just feeling like, huh, she doesn't really like me. And so he is going to play the odds for himself and just think like, huh, this woman isn't really into me. So I'm going to focus my attention elsewhere.

Yeah, I mean, it's, it's tricky with, I think, being a female and that's why we, we coach women in dating is that showing interest, like a lot of women are told to not show interest in a guy when you're dating. Don't come off as needy. Don't, don't come give him any compliments. Don't tell him how you feel or that you like him or that he's a really special person. Because if you do that, then you're going to push him away. And that's why we teach in the little love steps. And everything we do is like, move slowly and intentionally while at the same time give him lots of green light signals. Show him that you like him, tell him that he's a very special guy. Tell him how much you respect him, that he's really funny, that he's interesting. Wow. You're like one of the most interesting people I've met in a really long time. And only say that if you actually mean it. But give that love. Because I think I've certainly dated women where you just don't feel it. Like, you feel like there's something there. She's very guarded, she's not really interested in me. And like, I don't know, I'm not going to waste my time with this situation if she's just not into it. So the beautiful thing is if you move slow and you pace the way we teach, you can actually show a lot of interest and be very open and be very vulnerable throughout the dating process. It's kind of like a weird, counterintuitive approach to dating, but it's very effective and it's, it's really important.

Yeah, because I mean, one of the other things that's going on with sending confusing or, you know, maybe too subtle of a signal is he doesn't think you're into them or he thinks you might be into them, but he worries about whether he can actually Keep you interested, like, is he good enough? He's worried about rejection that way. And so there might be a low confidence thing on his side. And so as Adam was just kind of pointing out there, it's like sending a bunch of green light signals. You know, laying out the welcome mat is going to help make it much more clear to him where you actually stand. Because I think the important thing here is the guys that don't need those green lights are those cocky, charismatic, perhaps narcissistic guys who just don't need. There's like, I'm sure she wants me. But then like those other guys, like, they need a little bit of, you know, assurance. Like they, it's like kind of he wants to make sure he's not just going to get flat out rejected. And so in those cases, you know, the whole thing's about, why do guys ghost if they're not getting clear enough signals? He might just ghost to let himself down easier. Like, he's doing it to protect his own feelings because he doesn't want to have the conversation with you because that's just going to extend the amount of pain he's going to have because he's like, this girl's really not into me, so why do I want to talk to her about this? And so it's just much easier to like cold turkey, cut it off completely and just walk away. And he's doing it in a self preservation way.

Never underestimate the male ego. Never underestimate it. Okay. You know, look, if he just gets that feeling, he's not getting a lot of love or maybe you're going to end it with him or whatever it is, you're just not getting it. He'll run for the hills, you know, and they. We just need that constant, like, affirmation that you're into us. Because I'm telling you, like, it's, it's so crazy. Like when, when I started coaching men and I switched to women, I really realized how much women don't realize that men need that, that love and that praise. And like, we just, we have this ego that just needs to be filled. It's kind of crazy. If we're not getting it, we're going to run out of fear. And women don't think that men have that fear, but we definitely do. So it's really important to keep that in mind. I love that. Cool.

Yeah. And so, you know, I think, I think in that case, you know, like I said, the guys are ghost. And again, ghosting is the wrong way to do It. But the reason why they're ghosting is to kind of save themselves. This next one is a guy's ghosting. And this time it's to save you, to let you down a little bit easier. And that's in the case of missile, what I'm calling misaligned enthusiasm. Essentially, you're coming on too strong, you're too open, you're sharing a lot, too emotional, you're planning too much time together, monopolizing a lot of time, too much talk of the future. It's just too much, too soon, too quick. And it's overwhelming. And he's realizing, like, he's into you, he's getting there, but he's not fully in. But like, you're super fully into him and he starts to wonder if he's ever going to get to where you want him to go. And so he gets out of that relationship to let you down easy.

Yeah. And like, men will tell themselves stories that ghosting you is the best thing to do here because actually breaking up with you would be worse than just, like letting you be. And she'll find her guy. I'm not the right guy for her. And I've heard guys tell this weird internal. It's not even internal. They'll externalize their internal dialogue and they'll say, yeah, you know what? Like, she just needs to go find her person. She's clearly at a different stage in life. She wants more than I do, and they ghosts. And my advice to all those guys is, hey, man, just call her and let her know that. At least let her off the hook once you do. It's all good. Now she also has that kind of feedback. She's aware of that and can maybe move forward on her next relationship and not move too fast. And by the way, guys do the same thing to women, and women ghost on guys, same type of stuff. There's plenty of guys who come on too strong, too quick, too early, become that needy Ned. And like, I don't know, I'm just not that attracted to him. I'm just not that into him. I don't know. There's the spark's not there. He's just too available. And it's just part of the dating game. And so all of that is okay up until the point of ghosting. But that is a core reason for a lot of guys. Ghosting is to many ways save you from your feelings, which is ridiculous because of course you're going to feel even worse being ghosted on.

Right? But it comes down to this idea like, from his perspective, you're looking for more than he's willing to give. Right. And so he knows there's a gap in expectations, and so he's like, I want to do her a favor and just get out of here. And it seems awful and horrible from your side of the thing, but it's like, on some level. And there's one of our clients that says this all the time, and she says, just kind of casually, sometimes the guys just next themselves, like, they just kind of get out of there themselves. Right? Yeah. And it's. It's true. And here's the thing. And this. And this is like a completely different way of thinking about this. This is a huge win. Like, the ghosting part feels terrible, but it's like you have misaligned enthusiasm, expectations, hopes for the future. And he sees it and knows he's not going to get where you want him to go. And he ghosts. That is a big, big win for you because you just saved yourself weeks, definitely months, perhaps possibly years of him trying. You dragging him along, trying to convince him that this is what he wants. And it's just like, all that, you save yourself months and months and months of turmoil. And so from that perspective, it's a really nice way to look at this as, like, okay, he left. That's closure. That's an answer that saved me some trouble down the road.

Yeah. And honestly, like, as we're talking about this more and more, like, I feel like humans tend to overestimate how good closure really feels anyways. It's kind of like we think that suddenly we'll get closure, we'll have a conversation, and it's like, I feel so much better sometimes. You do. But really, like, a lot of times it's just going through a painful experience anyways. Like, it's not going to be fun when he's breaking up with you. And so if someone does ghost on you, in some ways, there's a reframe here. Okay. In some ways, it can be better to be ghosted on because he's just shown such a low level of character that, screw that guy. He can go live his life. This thing is done. I wouldn't even want anything to do with someone who would ever do that to another human being. It's like, it just shows such a low level of likeness. Excuse my language, but, like, the fact that someone would do that, like, in many ways, should immediately have you think to yourself, wow, I must have missed something. And I'm so happy to not be dating him anymore. That's amazing. Like you could literally be think to yourself that way. I know it'd be painful, but you'd be like, wow, I'm kind of glad that that happened. So now I just go live my life and find someone better.

Yeah. And, you know, this also speaks to something else that we, we say to women all the time when we coach them is like, your job is to have such a full, complete, amazing life that a guy is lucky to be part of it. And so ghosting becomes much, much less problematic if you do have this complete, amazing life. The guy ghost, it's like, ah, tough, tough luck for him. Now he doesn't get to be part of this. Now I have all this other stuff going on. If you kind of put too much of your life into your relationship and it gets ghosted, that's when it, frankly, it becomes more devastating. And so that's a problem of how you're approaching things in the first place and not necessarily the ghosting.

Right, right. And I think that there's like one thing that you can do when you first start dating someone is see how they handle other relationships in their lives. Are they the type of person who can have direct conversations with other people or do they cower away from difficult conversations? If they're the type of person who, like, they have a friend who's going through some challenges or they have a conflict with a friend, are they the type of person who just pushes under the rug or kind of like leaves that person be and doesn't talk to that person? Well, that's more likely to be the type of guy who's going to ghost on you versus someone who's like the no BS type of person will just tell you how it is and be open with you. And so like I, I personally, I've always been much more attracted to people who are just upfront, who are not afraid of tough conversations, who can actually open up. And those types of people don't ghost. They just don't. Because why would they. They're comfortable doing. The type of people who do ghost are again, the type of people who have just this massive amount of fear of any level of conflict. Because a breakup by definition is conflict. It's just, it's like a heavy level of conflict. It's you want one thing, they want something else, and this is over and it's not going to be pretty. And so you can really notice this, I think early on in a connection with just how he deals with things, not only with you and him, but also with other people. In his life. So keep an eye out for that stuff.

Yeah. And I think that actually segues really nicely into the third reason why guys ghost, which is there's something about the relationship just. Just feels too complicated. Right. Like, everybody wants, like, dating and relationships should be fun, it should be easy, it should be uncomplicated. And guys really want things to be simple. Most people do. Right. And so if it starts to feel too complicated, this is where it's like, what are you. Is there something you're doing possibly that's making it this whole thing more complicated? And, you know, we talk about tough love, and it's like, here's some tough love. Like, sometimes in relationships, you're being annoying. It can be annoying, too.

Whoa. It can be annoying too, Gary. You're. You're preparing us up for some gnarly reviews for that one. But it's true. But this is true.

Like, people like, come on, people. I love people, but sometimes people are annoying. Like, I was just at the beach yesterday on Labor Day. Let me tell you, People are annoying. But, like, you can be in some. And you might be annoying in ways. You're not really, like, complaining a lot, just kind of being high maintenance, self centered, shallow, talking to, like, being negative and needy, being, like, emotionally high and low, being a little unpredictable, playing games or seeming like you're playing games. Like, these are all things that people just consider normal dating behaviors because they've gotten a lot of bad guidance. Sure. But it's like, on the other side of it, guys see this as like, gosh, this is complicated. Gosh, this is hard. Like, maybe you're asking a bunch of questions because you're not trusting him and he's not giving a bunch of information, but you're, like, constantly, like, asking, like, who are you going with? Where are you going? What bachelor party was? Who are all the people that are going, like, what exactly are you doing? Every possible moment of that time? And it's just like, from his perspective, it's like, oh, God, okay. It becomes one more extra thing. And maybe it's baggage, maybe it's past relations, but it's like, the more complications we bring into a relationship, the less it feels like something the other person, whether it's a male or a female, like, it just. The other person just doesn't feel like they want to take on that much extra stuff. And so just pulling the rip cord and getting out of there, that seems like a viable solution sometimes.

Yeah. Yeah, I agree. And I think that advice very much so is for both genders where I'm sure you've dated guys who are extremely complicated, when it doesn't need to be extremely jealous, extremely difficult with just like basic things like, hey, I'm gonna grab drinks with my friend on Thursday night. Why? Where are you gonna go? What are you doing? What's happening? And just complicating making problems when they don't need to exist. And so, you know, I think being aware of that while you're dating, I mean, is so important because if you're dating a guy who is successful, attractive, who has other options, which is likely the type of guy you want to be with, that's the type of guy all of our clients are dating or looking for, then you're competing with that guy. Being single and having options, that's what you're competing against. So the relationship needs to be more fulfilling and more and easier honestly than being single. Like, I know that's like a very non romantic way of thinking about it, but that is your competition. And once again, ghosting is not acceptable. It's not okay, just like bailing out on it. But that is ultimately your company. That's what you're going against. So the relationship itself, I think a lot of people make relationships complicated once things get into a good flow and it almost becomes a little bit boring. Like it's like, oh, wow, things are good, we're seven months in, it's going really well. And then it's like, I don't know, some people just want to create problems where they don't even exist and then are confused when the relationship ends. It's like just, just roll with it, enjoy it.

Yeah. I mean, to me, single is simpler. Right? Like, I'm sure many people listening to this have had like busy stretches of time at work or in their family life. And it's like if you're single, it's just, it's a little, it feels a little bit simpler. You don't have other things to worry about, like trying to date while like work's hectic and life is hectic is tough. And so you're, you're competing with that simplicity. Right. The other thing that I think is important because we're looking at like, why do guys ghost? And from a guy's perspective, if you're in a relationship that's already complicated. Right. It's annoying. There's just like a lot of extra stuff and drama and fictitious made up problems and things you're going to be motivated to ghost because having the conversation that maybe you want to have, maybe you know, you need to have in your head going into that conversation to end it. You're like, this isn't going to be simple. This is just going to turn into a whole big thing. And chances are the guy in those conversations isn't as verbally adept as his female partner. And so guys, a lot of times know in relationship discussions, they're going into that at a disadvantage because you're much better at this than he is. And so if things are already complicated and he knows he's about to walk into a conversation or a conflict that he's probably going to lose anyway, he's like, why bother? And so just kind of, just kind of gets out.

Yeah. And I think an easy litmus test for this always, because I, I can sense the people that need to hear this the most are basically flipping the bird at both of us and hating us for this piece. So I want to give a little bit of a test to those who are listening and pushing back on this. And the litmus test is, is look at all of the relationships you have, not just your romantic relationships. What are your familial relationships like? What are your platonic relationships like? What are your professional relationships like? Are they all riddled with complexity? And if every relationship or the vast majority of them are extremely complex, there's always a massive amount of conflict. There's all these issues. Well, we need to take a look at that because you're at the center of that chaos. Okay. Whereas if everything else in life is actually really good, you have open communication, you have healthy relationships everywhere, but the guy you're with right now, everything is complex. Well, that's probably a guy problem. You need a new guy. You know what I'm saying? So, like, I think it's just really helpful to compare your romantic relationships, everything else you got going on. It just gives you kind of a sense of like, where you stand in the ownership part of all of this stuff.

Yeah. And particularly, I think that's a really good test because when you think about what people really want, which is long term, fulfilling, committed relationships, those types of relationships are generally lower maintenance. They're easy, they're a little more carefree. There's not a lot of extra drama. Like, you know, like after you've been married for a while, like, life throws stress and strain and drama your way. Like, you don't need to manufacture extra. Right. And so it's important to keep things as simple as possible, because simple is, is better. It's more desirable. And that's, you know, what's Going to probably be best for both partners long term anyway.

Yeah.

So, yeah, I mean, I think to just kind of wrap all this up, like, ghosting sucks. There's no good reason. There's no good excuse. Like, guys should not do it. The worst part, I think, and you know, for people listening to this, is we want to make sure that it doesn't come out of nowhere, because that's, I think, one of the worst parts of this experience. And so, you know, hopefully, you know, the three different things we talked about today, um, allow you to better see some of the signs so you don't get surprised. And, you know, I'll. I'll just kind of wrap up. And one last thought, kind of dovetailing off of what I said at the beginning is if you kind of go back through this and think of everything we said today, these things really are a lot more about them, the other person, than they are about you. Right. Like, so in one case, the guy's trying to save his own feelings. The one case, he's trying to save your feelings on your behalf and that you didn't ask him to do that. He's doing that as an excuse, really, but he is trying to be noble about it. And the last one, he's just like, forget it. I don't want to deal with this complication. And he's just bailing for that reason. So, you know, in all three of these reasons, it's like the person doing the ghost and the guy doing the ghosting is really his problem and has less to do with you.

And long story short, don't get involved with flaky people. This is a flakiness problem. Flaky people who can't deal with conflict, you're going to be able to notice that throughout a relationship. And if you notice if they're flaky at the beginning, they're going to be flaky later. It only gets worse. And I just think that there's some people who can't deal with conflict. They can't deal with difficult conversations. You know, we do a lot of personality tests here at Love Strategies. We're hiring a lot. And just like, as a side note, I. There's actually, like, ways to measure people's ability to have direct conversations and not. And. Or people who literally avoid it like the plague. And I guarantee the people who avoid conflict like the plague are the ones who ghost because they just can't handle the heat. Like, they just got to stay away from the fire. So, you know, get getting involved with the right person and being able to choose the right person is a huge part of this. And if you are going through this right now, we're here for you at any time. And I know this can be extremely painful. But just remember once again, there's nothing ruder in the world than a guy who ghosts. So if it happens, good riddance. Next, next, next, next. Move on and we're here for you anytime. Hopefully you got a lot out of this and thanks Gary. That was great. All right, so now you've reached the end of the show. Please make sure you follow and subscribe to the Love Strategies podcast wherever it is that you're listening so that you never feel alone again on your journey to love. As always, if you want to unlock all of our Love Strategies and begin your love life transformation, head over to lovestrategies.com to get started. Stay beautiful and speak to you next week.