Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist

You know, unfortunately, the narcissist in your life isn't going to be like, hey, I'm a narcissist. You should know this. So you're going to look for other signs, right? And so the other signs are things like feeling like you can't be yourself, like you can't be authentic around this person because they like you to be some other way. Right? They have control over you. They don't like you spending time with your friends. They don't like it when you watch certain shows and only when you eat certain things and just forcing you into just living your life how they want you to live your life without you having your own choices about that.

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences, your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. All right, Gary, we're going to be talking about a really important topic which is all about narcissism. And I swear to God, about 90% of clients who join any of my programs, my program, Love Accelerator, they. They come in and they say, I've had just constant strings of narcissists in my life. I always d narcissist. So is it true that they're all dating narcissists or are they exaggerating? I, you know, I never really know. So let's just start there. I'm curious, what are your thoughts on that? Where so many women are like, every guy I date is a narcissist. Like, is that even possible?

It's probably not possible, but it's definitely people's perception. I mean, I have the exact same experience. It's like, you know, you ask a room full of women or people and you just say, like, hey, how many of you think at some point you've dated a narcissist? Every hand goes up. It's one of those things like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's. And you. You want to get people fired up. You want to get women fired up about a topic about dating and the experiences that they've had is. You mentioned narcissism. I just, I had it this semester in my class, and it's like they're also like, oh, well, mine. And it's like everyone, it's such a shared common experience. Here. Here's the thing. We throw around the term narcissist. Like you're dating that narcissism is actually like a clinical diagnosis. Like you actually, you know, you would need to get out your DSM 5 and kind of go through and start checking things off. And so factually, how many of those people are actually dating a narcissist? Maybe one in 20, maybe in terms of a clinical diagnosis. So I think one of the things we have to be careful with are just labels. Like this is a serious label.

Yeah.

And it's something where, you know, you might take someone who's a little self centered, a little too confident, a little too cocky, you know, just kind of a little bit of an ass. Right. And it's like, oh, he's a narcissist. He's just a guy with some behaviors.

That are not ideal.

And so, you know, and I think it's important.

Yeah.

If you really do have full blown narcissism, it's, it's going to be. Personality disorders are really hard to change. They're really hard to, to untangle and, and get people to, you know, kind of overcome a personality disorder. So just, you know, just as a general thing, you want to be careful with labeling people just a little too quickly.

Yeah. Right. Okay. So a lot of people have been in relationships with self centered jerks or potentially narcissists. What are some signs that a person really is a narcissist and that they should absolutely run for the hills? I mean it's, and it can be so hard when you're in it. And I think narcissists too can actually be very attractive to some women. Because what are the types of guys that are narcissistic? They're the types of guys who have a lot of bravado. They tend to have a lot of confidence, they tend to be pretty self assured. Right. And that those qualities tend to be very attractive to a woman. So maybe women are attracted to a lot narcissists on a certain level. But anyways, I digress. What are some signs that someone is narcissistic?

Well, I, I'll first say there's no maybe about it. Women are absolutely attracted to narcissistic traits. Right. So you're talking about confidence, you're talking about charisma, you're talking about somebody who can command a room, who, who likes, who's the center of attention and Other people kind of gravitate towards them. They're. They're socially engaging, they're magnetic. Like, they're amazing. Like, who doesn't want to be with a partner like that? And the research shows that that's true. Like women are attracted to people with these narcissistic types of characteristics. And I say narcissistic types of things because it's not, it's not full blown narcissism necessarily. Full blown narcissism is someone who's preoccupied with fantasies of success, of their own brilliance, of their own beauty. They're self important, they're entitled, they must be the center of attention. They demand to be the center of attention. They're arrogant, they're kind of haughty and just like, like just excessive need for constant admiration. Like everyone has to just like bow down to them and like, just show how amazing they are. That taken to that extreme. I don't think women are going to be attracted to that per se now.

Right.

The thing is, early on, we're all on our best behavior. So the person who likes all that, you know, excessive admiration, everything, like, they're not gonna go full blown narcissistic idiot. Right. They're just, they're gonna go with the, the mild version, which is quite attractive. Right. And so that's. That, that's the trick, right?

Yeah, it's like, who's the guy from American Psycho? Who's the actor?

Tish?

Gail, have you seen that movie American Psycho? Christian Bale? Yeah. Like, you go on a first date with Christian Bale, who's obviously a psycho killer and obviously narcissist. Full blown narcissist as well. Very attractive guy. I mean, obviously physically, but also just like his confidence and his is just his energy that he brings. Oh my God. Like, I'm sure a lot of women would be really drawn in. Before you know it, he's chopping your head off. So, you know, we need to be cautious when we're going on these dates to not get sucked in too quickly until we've really had an opportunity to see what they're like when they take that dating mask off. So what are some things as a, as a woman gets to know a guy they should really be looking for that shows that he is maybe not a full blown clinical narcissist, but he's narcissistic enough that they should be cautious and maybe look in other directions. What do you find are some like just core traits and characteristics that they should look for?

Yeah. And I think that's an important point, like on some level, this whole thing about like clinical narcissism versus narcissistic behaviors, it's kind of splitting hairs because it all is going to impact you as the person in the relationship, right? And so, you know, unfortunately, the narcissist in your life isn't going to be like, hey, I'm a narcissist. You should know this. So you're going to have to look for other signs, right? And so the other signs are things like feeling like you can't be yourself, like you can't be authentic around this person because they like you to be some other way. Right? They have control over you. They don't like you spending time with your friends. They don't like it when you watch certain shows, they don't like it when you eat certain things and just forcing you into just living your life how they want you to live your life without you having your own choices about that. Um, and this might lead you to feel a little less confident, lower your self esteem. You might feel like you have to walk on eggshells around them. Like you have to be like you're conflict avoidant because you don't want to get into it with them because they have such strong opinions that if you kind of confront them in any way, it's going to lead to lead to a blow up. You start feeling bad for advocating for yourself. You feel bad that you maybe aren't sharing enough time with them or giving them enough attention. They kind of feel make you feel guilty about all the things you're not doing for them. You're, you become accommodating, you become super submissive. And so, you know, like some combination constellation of, of those behaviors is a pretty good indication you're with a narcissist. And even if you're not with a narcissist, any of those behaviors taken together, you're definitely not with a great partner.

It's a bad partner. Yeah. And it's hard because it can suck you in. Right? It's like when you're dating especially and you go out with someone and they do have all these really attractive qualities and you're like, oh, I'm, I'm into all this before you know, you're, you have all those kind of like love chemicals flowing through your body and you're starting to bond with that person, maybe start sleeping with, with this guy and then it's like, boom, before you know it, you're sucked in, you're really emotional, you're attached to this guy emotionally but then you're noticing, wait a second, he's telling you that you can't go out with your girlfriend that night because you're wearing a dress. Right. Or like, whatever it is. And before you know, you're like, okay, I. I can change into jeans. That's okay. Before you know it, the next time he says, oh, well, you know what? I don't want you going out with your girlfriend. She's bad news, all right? You're staying here with me or whatever it is. And before you know it, you're just, like, completely in it. I think that can be really, really challenging to get out of those situations.

Yeah. And, you know, these narcissistic. Narcissistic partners, I mean, not only are they going to be upset about you going out and doing your own thing, it's almost like they're going to want to go do their own thing and leave you at home on reserve so that you're fully available for them when they come back. Right. And so when you start filling your relationship like you're. You're more the supporting act, like you're. You're your partner's personal assistant. I mean, that's a problem just in terms of an imbalance of power, but it's also a sign that your partner is expecting a little too much from you, and it's just not fair. Right. I mean, you want an equitable, balanced relationship, and your partner treating you like this, in this narcissistic way just isn't fair. Now, here's the one thing that I also think women are really careful of it. It's hard not to recognize some of these things. You know, it's like, why do so many women raise their hand and say, yup, I've been with a narcissist? Because they do figure it out. But they start falling into this pattern, I think, where they start feeling like, I'm a good person. I have a lot of empathy. I feel bad for them. I know that they need help, and this isn't something they necessarily. They're. They're better than this. I know they're better than this. And they kind of feel like this start taking on this, like, you know, rescuer phenomenon where it's like, I can fix them. I'm going to make them better, and good luck.

Yeah. I mean, is there any evidence that that's possible to change someone like that? I mean, it's. I think that two people can get more aligned. And I do think people change in some ways on the edges. But when it comes to Their core foundation of who they are. If someone is completely self involved and they can't see outside of their own wants and needs, then I've never known anyone to change who is like that. And that is a, that is a tough one.

Yeah. I mean, it's not, it's personality. Things are tough to change, right? I mean, you got to think wherever, whenever you meet this person, they've had a 20, 30, 40 year head start on you in terms of being this way. And so here you are showing up at year 25, 35, and you're like, I'm gonna fix that. No, you're not.

Yeah, you're not.

You're not. Even if you were, even if you were to fix them, you know how.

Long that's gonna take?

It's not gonna be a week, it's not gonna be a month. It's gonna be a long damn time. And so you are not actually going to be willing to spend that much time doing it. And let's be honest, you probably don't have the requisite skills to actually enact the change that you, that you really want to see. Right. And so you just have to realize, like, it's probably not going to change and even if it were, it's going to be a long haul. And is that really, is that really what you want? Is that what you signed up for? Is that the long term relationship plan that you want for yourself? I. Probably not.

Right. Hey there, ladies. As you can see, we're just getting this podcast off the ground. And since we don't run any ads, I only have one quick favorite ask in return. Can you just take a quick second right now, pause this episode and just leave us a review wherever it is that you're listening to. The podcast really help us out a lot and it really does spread the love and I think the world needs a little bit more of that. So I appreciate you. Now let's get back to the show. Now when someone's married to a narcissist or dates a narcissist for an extended period of time, it can, it can really do a lot of damage to your self esteem. I've known a lot of women who have come out of those experiences really battered emotionally and certainly they've even had physical violence from those types of men and they found it just really hard to kind of open their heart again. Do you find, do you have any advice to women who find themselves out of those relationships? They're able to escape them and are, are just emotionally very broken down from Those experiences. I mean, what. We could talk about it and talk it through, but like, what does someone like that do to kind of pick themselves back up again?

Yeah. I mean, I think first step is realizing it's them, not you. Right. And so that pattern that you're talking about, you know, early in a relationship. Early relationships are prime for narcissists, right? Particularly narcissistic guys, because they want to be the center of attention. The female kind of feels like stereotypically like, oh, my job is to like, oh, you're the best. You're wonderful. I love everything. And. And to some extent you do, right? It's like love is deaf.

Yeah.

Dumb blind. Like, it's just. You think they're really wonderful. And so that's great. Early on. And so early on, narcissist is like, yes, this is perfect. They idolize me. I'm the center of attention. They'll do anything for me. Everything is perfect. And then life starts happening. You want to have your own life, and that's when you start having some of those problems you mentioned, right? Like the emotional abuse, potentially physical abuse, all that. And so you didn't do it. Like, so for. For the female that's in this situation, you didn't do anything, right? Like, you did what you were supposed to be doing. And so this is the guy's problem, right? And so now how to cope, you have to stand up for yourself, right? And so even if that, if you're thinking, oh, what, gosh, that's great for him to say, he's going to say, stand up for myself, but that's just going to lead to a big fight. Okay, then like, that's, That's a conversation you still are going to need to have because it's a problem, like, you can't continue like this. And so you have to be confident in yourself, sure of yourself, and willing to communicate how you feel. And part of that communication is boundaries. I'm not going to wait around for you. I'm not going to let you tell me what I can and can't do. You know, we're equals in this relationship. I'm not here to be your assistant. I'm not here to tell you all the time how wonderful you are, that this has to be a reciprocal situation where we're even, right? And so you have to establish that boundary. And then finally is like that. That idolization thing that you do with your partner early on, that's great and all, but, like, you're not required to do that long term. Like, long Term people in long term relationships, it's like you love your partner. I'm going to bet your wife doesn't idolize you.

No, it's the opposite. I. She used to like me, but now it's just like she's so bored of me. I don't know. I don't think I laugh at my jokes anymore.

My wife does not idolize. Like, if she did, it lasted like a week. But, like, it's. That's normal. Like, because, like, you start.

That was a good week. Good week?

Yeah, solid.

It's all gone. It's all gone.

My life.

She's so bored of me at this point. But that's okay.

But it's like, that's authentic. I mean, that's. You can have a lot of things for a short period of time, right. And that idolization kind of thing is one of them. It's just not realistic long term. And so that's, you know, that's not your job. Your job is not to constantly idolize your partner and think that they're perfect and tell them all the time how perfect they are. Like, we actually want people to see us authentically. Yeah.

Okay, I want to throw a left field question to you, but I've been thinking about this a lot when it comes to narcissism, and that is, do you find. Do you think that one major sign of narcissism is when a person says that every person they've ever dated is a narcissist? Because it's almost like they've been dating so many people and everyone else is focused on themselves. They're not focused on me, me, me, me, me. And I wonder if there's something to that, because some of my clients are amazing, but we have hundreds of clients, if not over a thousand clients. Like, it's, you know, we're bound to have some narcissists in our program. And I love all of my clients. They're all wonderful. But we're bound to just statistically. Speaking. And I do wonder sometimes when I have some clients say every single guy they've ever been with is like a total narcissist, it's kind of like, well, I don't know, maybe it's you that is. You're not getting enough from them. So it's. It's not. It's all about you. Maybe rethink that. What do you think, Gary? What do you think of this theory?

I had never thought of it, but, I mean, I think you're onto something because, you know, who's Going to be really sensitive to their partner not spending enough time paying attention to them. A narcissist. Right. And like to a narcissist, like if you're actually having a good conversation and it's pretty 50, 50 normal people, like you'd be thrilled. But in our system you're like, what the hell? Like why are you, you clearly are dominating like you're, it's actually 50. 50.

You.

The narcissist sees that 50 as them dominating the conversation. Right. So I, I think you're onto something. Yeah. Adam's theory of narcissist. There's a future.

Yeah. Also this is like I do have to remind people with narcissism that it, it's in the single digits. As far as clinical narcissism. Now we can talk about more philosophically. Are we getting more narciss becoming more narcissistic as a society, as just people in general with social media and yada yada yada. I think that there's arguments for all of that. I, I probably would tend to agree. I think people are becoming, with their phones just like total, totally. We're just becoming a little bit more self centered as a species. But if you feel like every single person you've ever dated is a total narcissist and it's all about them and you've been married three times, I don't know. Or if you go out with a guy and he says oh, all my ex wives, total narcissists or it's all about them, yada yada yada. I think you can learn a lot about a person based on how it is that they talk about their exes and like, look, of course if you've had a really awful experience, I'm not going to shut that person down if it's, you know, one, maybe two. But if it's like every person that you've ever been with is a certain way and is toxic, every person you've ever dated is a total toxic piece of crap. Then I don't know, maybe it's time to look in the mirror a little bit about. Maybe you're also adding to that, that little chemistry a bit.

I mean one of the issues is your narcissism detection is just way too fine tuned that you're way too sensitive. You're looking for these characteristics and if you look for them, you're going to find them. Right. Because there's always little hints of that stuff there. The other issue is that you are having a problem with your narcissism attraction system. Right. And so why are you attracting all these guys who are so narcissistic? And so there's actually a pretty good explanation for this potentially, and that's this idea from psychology, this theory known as self verification. Now, self verification says we look for people that see us as we see ourselves. And so in this particular instance, we're going to look for romantic partners that see us as we see ourselves. And so we see ourselves as low self esteem, not very confident, a little unsure, a little submissive. If we see ourselves that way, kind of timid, and it's just not so confident, guess who's going to more than easily welcome the opportunity to see us that exact same way? A narcissistic partner. Right. That's exactly what a narcissistic partner wants, is someone who's a little unsure, a little, A little submissive, not, not too confident, not too high self esteem so that they can be the center of attention. And so we might just constantly attract those kind of people and feel quite normal when we find them because they are seeing us and they're validating, they're verifying the view of ourselves that we already have.

Wow, that's very profound. I haven't heard too much about that concept. I really appreciate you sharing that with us. That's fascinating. So, I mean, a lot of this really does reinforce the message of building your own confidence, realizing your own self worth, and moving slow throughout the dating process. Right. Giving it some time to see who it is that you are really getting involved with before going all in. Because a narcissist is very, very good at hiding these signs when you first meet them. So thank you, Gary. This is super enlightening for me as well. I've never dated a narcissist and frankly, if I have anyone in my life who tends to have overtly narcissist tendencies, I stay away from them like the plague. It's just, it's an unattractive quality to me. But I know a lot of our clients struggle with that. Have you ever dated a narcissist yourself?

I, I have not. Um, and I, and I think it just like yourself, it's very intentional. Like, I, I just try to avoid people that like to be the center of attention. I, I am not one of them. Like, I, I'm perfectly happy being in the background and, you know, just not ever being the center of attention. So it's really easy for me to notice in other people. I'm like, geez, thanks.

Right, right. Oh, gosh. All right, Well, I appreciate that, Gary. We can end it with that. Any advice to those who are find themselves consistently dating narcissists over and over and over again?

Yeah, I think it's the same old, you know, little, little, little time yourself, little insight. Like what? You're the common denominator. Why is this happening? And just know like you want a great relationship, you don't want a terrible relationship. So partners with these kinds of qualities, whether they're full blown narcissist or not, that's not the great relationship you're looking for. So keep looking. There are better partners out there.

Amen.

Thank you, Gary. All right, thanks, Adam.

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