The 5 THINGS about Modern Dating that EVERYONE Gets Wrong

Gary, it's hard to believe that over the last decade, we have reached over 100 million beautiful souls all across social media. And one thing I have to say is that nearly every single one of those beautiful souls is getting these five things wrong about modern dating. I know that that is a big statement, but back when I was single, I used to get these things wrong as well. So today we're going to be talking about some of these things that people get wrong when it comes to modern dating. How to reframe it and recalibrate your strategies to set you up for success. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy.

I like that we're talking about this because I think this, like, quote, unquote, modern dating is a concept that really gets in people's heads. And what I like about what we're going to do today is really show people how it's a lot like other dating in a lot of ways, and they're overcompensating in many of the things that they're trying to do.

Yeah, that's a big part. Those are the kind of cliff notes of this whole podcast is you hear a lot. I mean, we hear this all the time. Dating isn't what it. Like what it used to be. Right. Everything has changed. I mean, just constantly we're hearing this. And yeah, definitely the technology has changed and number of. There are a number of factors that have changed, but homo sapiens have been around for anywhere from 100,000, 300,000 years, and we, generally speaking, fall in love the same ways. So let's get back to some of that and let's really recalibrate our strategy for the modern dating scene.

Yeah, I mean, with all of the apps and like interacting with guys through your phone, it's really easy to feel like everything is completely different, particularly if you haven't been dating recently. And that can make it super intimidating. It's just also the wrong way to think about it. And so, you know, we're going to talk about the five things that people need to get right.

Yeah, Absolutely. Let's just jump into this one today, Gary. This is a fun one, and I made a bold statement to kick this one off. So we got to back it up. Let's. Let's go. Why don't you jump into the first one? All right.

So the first one is very much this theme of the technology is different, but the psychology is the same. And I think the best way to show this is with something a client recently said to me on one of our sessions. She said, I'm going to make sure I get this quote right. She said, I only talked to a guy briefly online, but I know I'm not interested. I don't want to be rude and ghost him. It's like, great. That is actually a really nice impulse because it's good to not want to ghost people. Right? We talk all the time about building good dating cars, karma, and just being kind and authentic and true yourself. So that's great. But here's the thing. That's not ghosting. It's not ghosting. It just doesn't count. And here's how you can tell. And this is how I want people to start thinking about online dating as much as possible. It's like, take the world of online dating and imagine it as if it's a real life room full of single people and you're just kind of like mulling around and mixing around and chatting to some people and ignoring others and just kind of going through this process just like you would have done in the 1900s. Okay. And so in this case, we were talking to somebody. You're not interested. This is like going up, talking, have a nice little conversation and just deciding like, this isn't going anywhere. But what you don't do is circle back to them after five minutes and be like, hey, pal. Hey, Brad. Just so you know, I don't like you and I don't want to talk to you anymore. And I'm doing this because I don't want to ghost you and I don't want to be mean.

Yeah, I think you're a great guy. Oh, my God, that five minute conversation we had, it was fantastic. I'm sure you're going to find a wonderful woman, but I'm just not the right one for you. Brad would be like, what?

By trying to do the nice thing, it's like weird and rude and it's super awkward and you're actually going to hurt Brad's feelings worse. Because after talking for a little bit and you walking away and him doing his message received. Yeah, exactly. He Understands well.

And that's the thing is we have so many wonderful women in this community who tend to gravitate towards being a people pleaser and they don't want to hurt feelings. And we talk a lot about the importance of having great dating karma because truly the energy you put out there to the world is what you get back in return. But the reality is that he's going to be okay. If you have a quick conversation with him online and he's not a fit for you, just move on. It's not ghosting. If you go out with him three, four, five times and then disappear and don't respond to any of his texts, now you are a ghost.

That's it.

Pretty simple, straightforward. Notice the difference between online chatting versus meeting someone in real life. There's a huge difference there. And that's the key point here, I think.

Yeah. And so I think, you know, very much in the same vein of, you know, going back to that imaginary room. Something that people really have to do in this modern dating is stay in your league. Like, who are the people that you're trying to date? And so again, if you go back to that imaginary room, who are you going to talk to? If that room's full of a hundred people, are you always going to go up and talk to the people in that room who are a 10 out of 10, the supermodels? Is that the first, second, third, or 10th person you're going to try to talk to? Let's be honest, probably not. Because you recognize in a real life setting, they're a little bit out of your league, unless you're a supermodel yourself. Then talk away. But what we know from the research is that when people are in online dating settings, they somehow lose their calibration of who they should talk to and not because the people don't seem real. And so it's really easy to constantly just reach for the top of the top. And the thing is, everyone's trying to talk to them. And so you're shooting your shot, as the kids say, but you're shooting those shots at people who are receiving all kinds of attention. And you keep getting the same message back, which is they're not. They don't reciprocate, they're not responding. And so you start thinking, oh, gosh, it's me. Nobody likes me. Yeah, I'm terrible at this, and you're sending yourself the wrong message.

Well, Gary, before we get death threats and I get letters to my house telling us that, oh my God, what are you doing. You're telling me to lower my standards. Let's be clear about what it means to date within your league because a lot of your friends, everyone in your circle will always say, you got to raise your standards. You got to raise your standards. And I think that there's a difference between standards versus dating with or within, outside of your league. League. Based on what you're saying, I think I don't want to put words in your mouth, is about the physical part of it, how he looks, how good his profile pictures are, his height, a lot of the superficial characteristics. Raising your standards, at least the way we defined it, define it, is raising your standards as to how a partner shows up in a relationship, how kind he is, how respectful he is, how good of a partner he is. And those two things are completely separate. And what we are constantly reassuring our clients to do is to look for the nuggets of gold. The guys who online might not have the perfect profile, might not be that guy with the perfect chiseled jawline and oh my God, he's got that picture by his sailboat. He looks so cute. Not getting tricked by that stuff and focusing on finding the guys who seem to be kind, who seem to be warm, who seems, who are likely getting overlooked because they don't have the perfect profile. But when you meet them in real life, you were like, damn, this guy is sexy and he's a good guy. And he's a good guy and he cares and he's pursuing me and he's interested. So that. Gary, I don't want to put words in your mouth. Is that fair to say, in somewhat summation of.

Yeah, absolutely. Right. And it's a really important clarification because all the traits that really matter for long term fulfilling relationships, you can pick those up from across the room.

Right.

You also can't pick them up from profile pictures. You just can't. Like, you'll try to like, you know, play detective and see some of the signs and, and wish and imagine and hope and dream, but it's just really not possible. Like, you actually have to go and talk to people. And again, going back to that room, you're not necessarily just going to go talk to the most attractive people in that room because you're also going to realize maybe they don't have all the great characteristics. They might be a little vain, they might be a little materialistic, they may not be as smart as I would hope. Like, there's some real life things that happen in a live room. And that's why I Think it's so useful to just kind of take that online dating space and imagine it in a big room where you're actually seeing people and interacting with people in real life, and it starts to make this modern dating seem just like regular old dating.

Yeah, and. And I agree with that completely. And just to add to this point, for. Since Our audience is 99.9% female, women are far pickier online daters than men. Everyone let that sink in. Women are far pickier than men when it comes to who they'll actually swipe right on. Isn't that crazy? Like men, the data shows, like, guys physically. Let's just use numbers to be kind of, like, rough about this. If a guy's a five, he'll message threes and fours, fives, sixes and sevens. If a woman is a five, she'll be going for eights, nines, and tens. And guess what? Everyone's going for eights, nines, and tens. And the thing is, the number I just gave you isn't a real number because it's not even in line with what they're going to be like in real life. So it's crazy town. The way online date, and this is the one area that can have such a leverage point for our clients is just to expand their scope of who they're willing to meet in real life. It's not who they're willing to date. It's just expanding your scope of who you're actually willing to meet and not using just some random picture and some random texts on an app to be the deciding factor of whether a guy is even an 8, 9, or a 10. Go meet him in real life. See what the deal is. That's.

And.

And because for women especially, attraction, so much of it is emotional. So it's like you're almost optimizing for something that won't matter once you meet a person in real life.

So, yeah, you're just focusing on the wrong things. Right. And I think, you know, what I like about that first one about, you know, technology and people are just people, is it's focus on, you know, kind of what you're looking for. This next one is who's looking for you. And so the second mistake that we see people make in modern dating is they're trying to optimize to have as many people as possible find them interesting, as many possible guys as they can get that want to message them, talk to them, date them, et cetera. And it's a modern solution to a problem that just. It's solving the wrong thing, right? And so back in the day, there was an issue where you just had a limited pool of potential mates, right? You had a numbers problem. You were limited by who lived near you, who went to your high school, what college they went to. Even in a college, like if you're in the same class or not, were they at your gym, at your store? Like, everything was very hyper local. And you are very much restricted to the people you actually got to see in real life walking around where you lived. We don't have that problem anymore. And so that old problem was limited numbers. The old solution was let's maximize the amount of people that are interested because you were solving before for a lack of interest in many ways no longer the problem. Right? We have the opposite problem now. Online dating, especially, just gives you access to all kinds of people. So much so that you actually experience what we call choice overload. You have so many options, it basically makes you paralyzed to pick any one. Because now you can second guess every last decision you make. You end up in this situation of analysis paralysis.

So one thing you'll hear a lot on the podcast is us mentioning the seven little love steps. These are seven powerful yet simple steps that you can take in your love life to attract that man that lasts for the rest of your life. So if you don't know the seven little love steps, then I have a free training for you. It's completely free. Just head on over to thelovesteps.com you can go through that virtual training. I think you're going to really enjoy it and get a lot out of it and understand our exact framework for attracting that relationship you truly deserve. Again, that's the lovesteps.com all right, back to the pod. Yeah, yeah, I think that's a really big one. And by the way, guilty is charged of both of the things we've discussed so far, Definitely this one where such a. I don't want to say validation seeker in my mid-20s, but yeah, I think that's fair to say, like just wanting to get any woman I talk to get her to like me. Like, that was what I was optimizing for. I was going through a very important kind of breakthrough in my life where I was trying to learn all this stuff as a starting point. And what I realized is that it's so much more powerful to be my true authentic self, quirks and all, to push the envelope and focus on quality over quantity. Now, of course, you need a certain amount of quantity. Like if you're sitting at home Every Friday, Saturday night, watching Netflix, eating Ben and Jerry's. Like, that's not getting us anywhere. We got to actually get out there. And by the way, I love Ben and Jerry's and Netflix. Nothing against it, but like, it's a Friday, Saturday night. Get your beautiful behind off the couch, go meet some guys. But to a certain extent, it does get to a complete overload. I've worked with clients who, they'll be like, oh, my God, I'm going on three dates a week. These guys are all amazing. I'm working the process. Like, I don't know what to do because I'm texting with like 20 guys. I'm like, cut. Stop online dating. Get focused, Focus on the quality, cut the rest. Now, it's a good problem to have. It's a champagne problem, but albeit it's a real problem.

Yeah. And it just shows you're not being very clear about what you want, I think. Right. It's like when you see people that are applying for jobs and they're applying, they're able to apply for 50 different jobs in 50 different industries. It's like, wait a second, do you really know what you want to do? Right. It's like you start really knowing what you're looking for, then you can actually, you know, slim down your list and focus in on seven solid opportunities. And that's just going to be a better match for you eventually going forward.

Well, I think the issue in many ways is it feels good to get attention. Like, it really, it just feels good. You know, suddenly it's like I have all these options. I have these people messaging me, getting so much validation, just like this incredible rush of dopamine every time you get that message. And it becomes a little bit addictive at times, but it goes back to taking a look at what is your love vision? What is your life vision? Where do you want to be in five, 10 years? Are we optimizing for short term dopamine hits that we get from 20 guys that we're talking to, or do we really want one partner that we can spend the rest of our life with? If it's the latter, and we do want one partner, at a certain point, we need to really get focused, cut down. And I think that word is once again so important when it comes to just modern dating, which is focus and prioritize on the quality connections that you have. And let's not get too scattered, for sure.

And you know, so much of what we're talking about. We keep talking about online dating, but I think this brings us to the third issue that people get completely wrong about modern dating, which is online dating is the world's worst. It's not dating, and it shouldn't be dating. You're not actually dating online. Online dating is a tool. It's a tool for screening. It does two things. It helps us get contact with more people, and it allows us to screen out the people who we know from the start are going to complete absolute, total nos, right? And it's. That saves time. Like, there are certain things that you have in your mind, like a popular one that you see, you know, talked about a lot now, political affiliation, whatever that happens to be. Like, there might be some political affiliation or political topic that for you, is a complete, absolute, total deal breaker. You can screen that out from online screening. Notice how I didn't call it online dating. Right? It's an online screening tool. And so use it like that. It's not for dating.

Yeah, I love that so much. In fact, I stole that from you on my coaching call last night. I called it online screening. That's it. It is simply a tool to meet people offline. And while I'm discussing this, I kind of went on a rant last night. I figure I'll kind of do it again. When it comes to online dating, sometimes people will say, adam, online dating doesn't even work. It doesn't work. And I compared it to. They're like, the algorithms are broken. You can't meet guys there. All the guys I'm meeting are just the worst guys. And of course, I'll just ask two questions like, have you met them in real life? Or anything like that. And the answer is usually no. So put that aside for a second. What it reminded me of is I went to a conference recently and I met someone and I was talking about Instagram. Like, we're just talking about social media. And I'm like, yeah, I don't use Instagram for, like, my own personal life, but we use it for, you know, outreach, like connecting with clients. We put a lot of content out there, and I think it's a great tool for that. And this person was like, oh, Instagram doesn't work anymore. They change the algorithm. I'm like, they changed the algorithm. So Instagram doesn't work anymore. So it doesn't work for anyone, you're saying? No, it works for some people, but it's just not working for me because they changed the algorithm. Or perhaps is it something you're doing with your Instagram account? Like, it was just like, don't blame the tool. Don't blame. It's just a tool. And like this person actually got a little annoyed at me because, I mean, I was being kind of a jerk. And I get it and I'm being a jerk right now. But like, don't look at online dating as being the problem. It's just a tool for meeting people offline. Yeah. Are there some things you can do with your profile picture and your messaging and things like that? Of course. Focus on optimizing the tool. But online dating in itself is just connecting you with other people. That's all it is. And so think of it that way and really avoid making broad statements like, oh, online dating doesn't work or won't work for me because it's just not true. It's a tool designed for meeting people offline.

Yeah. And you have to adapt. Right. And so if you're trying to really get to know somebody, build emotional connections through online dating. Yeah, it's going to suck. It's a terrible way to get to know people online through texting, messaging. It's terrible. And so if that's the problem, you know, use it for what it's good at. What I think online dating is really good at is to give you a sense, in a snapshot kind of way of what's out there and how guys are describing themselves. Because you probably haven't met many guys, that many guys in a dating context. And you get to do it very fast and just read profiles, 20, 30, 50 people. And then what I would suggest doing, read all those and then sit and think after you looked at all that, of all that information, what are the things that are actually most important to you? Is it that he's wearing a flannel shirt in his profile picture or that he took a selfie in a bathroom? Is that really the most important thing to you or is it that he's conscientious, that he volunteers, that he, you know, is very family focused and you can start to really like what bubbles to the top. And so online dating is amazing at providing you a lot of information, giving you a lot to think about and helping you screen on your own prioritized list.

Yeah, I love that. Which kind of leads us to the next one that I would say a lot of people get wrong is using online dating or modern dating as relation shopping. Shopping for men. The thing is, when you see so many options of so many different types of guys, it's so easy, easy to get into this like hyper customization mindset. You're like, well, I really like that this guy likes to play tennis. I like that this guy went to Harvard. I also like that this guy has long hair. Now, what I need to do is find a combination of those three things and build my perfect man. That's it. And by the way, that's probably coming with AI let's not do that. It's not going to lead us to a good place with artificial intelligence. You know, if you want to have your man robot, I don't think that that's going to set you up for a lifetime full of success. So we want to avoid that and comparing and contrasting potential partners down to every single trait.

And I hear women do this in two really important ways. One is they'll say, blank, blank, blank. All this stuff is great. He's a great listener. He's fun to hang out with, but. And then they'll give some. But that is nowhere near as important as all the other great things she just shared. But he doesn't like the same kind of music as I do. He's amazing. He's. He's like. We connect on this deep emotional level, but he doesn't like the kind of music I like. Is that a deal breaker? No, no, that's not. There's no such thing as a perfect partner. So I think that's part of it is like, if you start creating this. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. But. And then you can always find one thing, and it's right there on the screen. You can see it a lot of times in online dating. But he likes country music. I can't have that. Right. And that seems to be a problem. The other thing is you'll see women who are. They met the guy online. They met him in real life. He's amazing. Everything's going great. But then it's this sense of, huh, he's amazing. Could I do a little better? Can I just do just a little bit better? Because, like, there's this. And then I just happened to look at the app again, and I found a guy who has all the same great qualities as this guy I'm with, but he has traveled to two more places than the current guy I'm with. And, you know, Gary, I like to travel. Yeah. And it's like, what are you doing? And so the answer to that is actually researchers, we call this maximization. And there's a myth of maximization. Maximization is this idea that if you get just a little bit better, a little bit better, a little bit better, it's going to make you happier. More fulfilled and better off. And that's a myth. Because if you get in this maximization mindset, oh, he traveled two more places, oh, he does listen to the right music. Oh, he does drive the right kind of car. You think that's going to make you happier. But all this mindset does is constantly has you scanning the environment for opportunities to find just a little bit better. And there's always something out there that's a little bit better.

Well, and here's the dirty, dark secret of online dating. And that is the apps want to keep you on forever. They are totally optimized to keep you online dating. They don't have relationship coaching. Once in a relationship, they don't have, I mean, I know Bumble has like Bumble bff, Bumblebees and all that stuff. That's a small part of their business. It's all. And by the way, I support Bumble, I support Hinge and I'm. This is non paid, like promotion here. I think that these are great apps. I think they can be absolutely used to find love, but in many ways you're using them in a way that it's not intended for. They are designed to keep sucking you back in and to keep looking forever. Even if they say, yeah, this is the dating app that's designed to be deleted. Great marketing, I get it. But they're still a business and that's how they make money. And so we have to use the tool for what it is, which is meeting someone in real life, working the little love steps, which is talking to a few different guys at the same time, qualifying that. And then once we find a guy that meets our love vision and we can't even think about, we don't even want to even consider the other two guys that we might be talking to. Once we get to that point, we go exclusive. And then we focus 100% of our energy on that human being and building a connection with him. Because that's where the real good stuff begins. That's where you get to see is he actually going to be a good potential partner? Is he truly respectful to you? How does he respond in stressful moments? How does he communicate? Not in the first place. Couple months of a relationship where everything's rosy. I'm talking about six months in, when shit hits the fan. How does he respond in those situations? All of that stuff, it takes time and it requires both of you to focus on one another. So let's not get lost. And this is so funny for me saying all this because I was like the prototypical person who would be optimizing having the myth of maximization. I totally understand this, I totally get it. But this would be like the first piece of advice I would give myself if I could go back and talk to myself 14 years ago when I was dating a lot and be like, dude, you're over maximizing. You're looking at the wrong thing and none of these things really matter.

I think there's also another important point here that actually I just thought about this as you were talking is that, you know, you were saying you're guilty of this. And I can think of times in my life when I'm very guilty of this maximization mentality. But I think it's something that to the extent you're successful, you're a pusher. Like, you push and you want better and you're constantly growing and you're constantly trying to achieve more and do more. And this can feel a little bit like that. It's like, oh, can I do better? Of course I can do better. I can do better if I work harder and if I work harder and if I look longer and I try and I scan the apps more, I can do better. I can do better. I can do better. And on some level that does help you in other contexts. But it's not the way to approach personal relationships. We are not trying to extract value from our personal relationships that way. Our, our relationships are not accomplishments. And I think that's a really important way to look at it because sometimes those things that make so many of our listeners successful in their careers or day to day life, those same rules don't apply very well to relationships. And it's important to point that out.

Yeah, I think that's, that's a really interesting point. I think for the really successful clients that we have, this is a real sticking point because we're so used to every single day trying to do better in all areas of our life. Professionally, physically, how can I get a little bit stronger? How can I do better at work? How can I make more money? Go, go, go, go, go. And I get that energy. That's how I am. That's probably what's led me here as a love coach. Cause I was going out and meeting a lot of women and coaching men at the time, and I get that mentality. But there's a certain point where you meet someone and you just need to take the risk, let's just call it a risk, which is focusing all of your attention on them, and then that's where you get the Real information, like if you're really ready for a relationship, if you really want that outcome, like it requires you to give up some of that short term dopamine hit and excitement for a certain period of time to see if it's a fit. And by the way, if it's not a fit, you go back to dating. That's okay. But it requires that, that real focus.

Yeah. And I think, you know, I, when you're focused, that's helpful. But I, I do think that it brings us nicely to the last thing that people get wrong about modern dating is sometimes they're so focused on finding a partner that the mistake that they make is they have this like, once I find somebody, then I can forget the rest. Finding the partner becomes the end all, be all, goal. And so I think the problem, I call this the find and forget mentality where it's, we put all of our time, energy and effort into finding a partner because it cures a problem. It cures something that scares us, which is spending our life alone. And so there's all kinds of tools, tips, apps, hacks, services, training, everything. It's like, we're going to find you something, we're going to get you somebody. And that's great because that is what people want. But the big mistake that people make in modern dating is thinking that once you find your partner now you can just forget it. It's like, okay, I've arrived and now the rest takes care of itself. And it just doesn't. It's not about just finding anybody. It's about finding the right person for you. The right person that you're going to want to share your life with. The right person that you and them together form this synergistic relationship where everybody grows and improves together. And so it's not just finding a person, it's what do you do once you find that person? How do you cultivate and grow and sustain that relationship?

Yeah. Well, it reminds me, Gary, of one of our earliest conversations when I was telling you, Gary, we are blowing up right now. We are one of the, probably trying to show off to you. I'm like, we're one of the top love coaching companies in the world. You know, with what we do, we're, we're getting a lot of incredible success stories. It's amazing. And what I want to do is have a relationship part of the company where we're helping people in their relationships. And once someone's in a relationship, then suddenly they will go through this separate thing. And when they're dating they'll go through another thing. And you look at me and you're like, you're thinking about this all wrong. I'm like, what? Who are you talking to, bro? What are you talking about?

I sound like a jerk.

Yeah, but that's what I love about. You weren't being a jerk about it. You were just challenging me in a great way. I wasn't painting you as a jerk at all. It was that you're like, they're the same thing. Dating and relationship is really the same thing. And it is a continuum. It's not like once you get into a relationship, up, you won the Super Bowl. Now it's over. Go celebrate with your friends and then take, you know, seven months off until the next season begins. No, it's like that. Is this the beginning of the Super Bowl? That's where the real work begins. And you gotta date as you would be. How do you say it? Date as you would be in a relationship or.

Yeah, the way you date is the. Is the foundation of your relationship.

Yeah. And so thinking about it is being everybody, like, totally connected. And I think that that is really what sets us apart now. I'm so glad we had that conversation, is by really combining those two things, because you're right. It's not like, as a love coach, when someone gets in a relationship, Gary, we're not just like, yeah, it's good. Okay, go enjoy it. I'll see you in the next life. It's not like that. It's like, oh, no. This is where the good stuff begins. It's fun, it's exciting, it's. But it also requires a lot of courage. It requires a lot of focus, and it requires a lot of energy to make it work. So I love that mindset.

It's like anything else valuable in our life. Like, we have insurance and we have. We do maintenance on things and we just take it. Like, of course you're going to do maintenance on your car, your house, or any big investment. But for some reason with relationships, it's like, oh, once we have it, it's like, oh, now, now we're good. Now it just kind of self perpetuates and takes care of itself. And it's. If you've dated the right way, the maintenance is going to be much easier. But you still need that maintenance. You still need that protection plan for your relationship. And so by dating the right way, you're protecting it. Because what would be worse than spending all this time finding an amazing relationship partner only to have it fall apart in three Months or six months or a year. Like, gosh, I mean, that's heartbreaking. And that's, you know, a pattern that so many people fall into. But it's not because the relationship itself, it's like you probably started wrong. It was a shaky, shaky foundation to begin with. And so this was always going to happen. Right? So build it strong. Build it, you know, for the long term. And that's definitely the way to go.

Well, and not to belabor this point, but think about, like all movies out there. Movies are designed to show a few different types of relationships. They show you when you're single and dating. Then they show you when you get married. And then that's kind of like the end of the movie. And then they'll also show scenes where it's like a terrible relationship and it's clear that they need to leave and he was an awful person and it was not the right relationship. They very rarely show the truly nuanced relationship. Which is most great relationships, which is, it's great. You're on the same page, but you also have challenges and you need to work through those challenges and you're going to have conflicts and you have to work through conflict management. You have to learn how to communicate. Like, that's not a very good movie. You know, the only show is just like the best relationships, the most romantic, like they die together in the same bed, you know. Notebook make me cry anytime. Oh, actually, you know, interestingly enough, that movie the Notebook may actually show one nuance of a, of an up and down relationship, interestingly. But now I'm going on a to side tangent. Help me out here, Gary. Am I going nuts?

I just like that you brought up the Notebook because we did a whole podcast on the Notebook and how it shows a lot of terrible things. It does show some nuance. I will just say on this topic, a plug for a TV show. I think it's still on Netflix. It's a little bit older. Friday Night Lights still to this day. The very best relationship that's nuanced and shows a solid relationship between the head coach and his wife. It sounds like it's about football, that show. It's really, really not. But you want to see what a good relationship looks like. A realistic. They fight, but they fight respectfully. They care for each other, they support each other, they're kind, they're gentle, they're warm. Like it's, it's absolutely amazing. And so even just the first season alone, you'll get all those elements. Like you want to see what a good relationship. Looks like Coach Taylor and his wife Tammy. Amazing.

Done. Great place, Dan. Thanks, Gary.

Thanks, Adam.

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