The Emotionally Unavailable Man Checklist (And Why You Keep Choosing Him)

In today's podcast, we're going to be discussing how to avoid emotionally unavailable men. And Gary and I put together a little bit of a checklist to avoid these guys like the plague. Gary, this is going to be a good one, man. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy.

I have a love language and it's checklists. It's to do lists. It's checklists. It's maybe spreadsheets as well, and maybe some PowerPoint thrown in there, but like a good checklist. A good, like, little. Give me a list of things I need to look out for and check, check, check, check, check, check. I'm all for it. I'm in.

Yeah. Well, our clients, if there's anything they all have in common is that they're all type A, but they all have checklists. They have grocery lists on their refrigerator with a checklist every time they order something. I mean, it is absolutely the case with all of our clients and I totally understand that in other areas of our life, we want to have checklists, won't have to do lists. But in our love life, suddenly we kind of fall into, I'm just gonna go with the way I feel. I'm just gonna see if he feels right to me. And guess what? We wake up five years later going through the worst divorce of our life. If only we had a checklist from the start, we could have heard.

Adam, do you ever go to the. The supermarket without a shopping list?

Yeah, Right.

And what happens? What happens?

Order if I'm hungry. Especially. Oh, my God. Dear God, Jessica. Because, like, what did you buy? Why did you buy Froot Loops? Dude, we don't even like Fruit Loops. Like, I don't know. It sounds fun. It's nostalgic.

I had to go to, literally last night, I had to go to the store. I had to grab stuff from my class. And I went at like 9 o', clock, right before Trader Joe's closed. And I was a little tired, had a long day. I bought so many carbs, which is something I would normally not Do I get back? And Colleen's like, what is all this stuff? I'm like, oh, some of it's for our daughter. Like, it's. She's like, are you sure all of it's really for her because we're going to see my daughters. And it's like, no, but it's just like, I didn't have a list. I just kind of went in there, went. Went on feel, went on vibes, and it didn't work out so good.

Definitely. I could see that. That fall into that same thing. And I think, you know, it's a very good analogy, because when we're single and sometimes feeling a little bit lonely, it's kind of like going to the grocery store hungry, without a checklist. Like, you're hungry for love and you want it. And the moment that someone kind of appear out of nowhere, it's the same as that Froot Loops being like, come on, let's just buy me, buy me. And then you eat the Fruit Loops and you get a belly ache, and you're like, why did I do that? You start gaining weight, and you're like, come on. Same thing in our love life. So today we are going to reveal what an emotionally unavailable guy really looks like, how to spot him, and why it is that we keep choosing him. If that's become a pattern in your love life, this would be a great one.

Yeah. And so when you can identify what this guy looks like, you know exactly what to avoid. And so the first one on our checklist to identify this emotionally unavailable guy is here. Because it is, I think, one of the hardest ones to notice, which is he's a master of what I'm calling counterfeit closeness, which means he talks a lot. He's chatty, he's telling you a lot of stories. He's taking up a lot of space. He's not quiet, he's not reserved. He's not being withholding of information in any way. He talks a lot. Talks about work, he has funny stories, little anecdotes. Some of it, actually, most of it, is pretty darn amusing. You like it. You're having a good time when you're around him. This all feels like we're getting closer, but really all you're doing is having a good time. And so, you know, this is a little bit of junk food conversation, right? There's other junk food conversation, which is like negativity, Right. And you know, you can talk a lot with somebody about how busy they are, how crazy life is, how stressed they are, they're dealing with this and that and the other thing. And traffic, weather, you. You name it. You know, dating. And the apps like. And you can have four dates full of conversation about this. You might even get junk food texts. The good mornings, the good nights, the how's your day going? And it all feels like you're building something. But there's. If you really look back at it, it's not a lot there. Right?

Yeah. He's not getting into the deep, vulnerable side of himself. And by the way, you might not be either. You might also be falling into the junk food side of conversation because perhaps you're just mirroring his energy and you're just trying to keep the fun work stories going or whatever it is else that's going on in your life and keeping it very superficial. But if he. If you find that he's not going deeper, it almost feels like you're talking to a robot, an emotional robot. It's like you talk to Chat GPT. You're not necessarily going deeper. It could be, although they're getting kind of weird these days with ChatGPT. Please don't do that in your love life. As side note, but if it just feels like you're talking to someone without a soul, then it's likely he's doing that as a strategy to create that emotional space. And I will say, like, when I look back to myself back when I was 24, I was single, I was dating, and I wasn't interested in anything serious. I would avoid certain topics, like the plague. For example, talking about relationships. What does that mean to me? What do I think a healthy relationship looks like if the R word came out? I treated it like it was a curse word at church. Oh, no. And by the way, if I could go back in time and slap that kid across the face, I totally would. Because, you know, I've grown a little bit more wisdom since then. But you'll. You'll see it with some of these guys who just. They don't want to go deeper. They don't want to do that because they want to keep this, a sexual relationship without the emotional side. That is what an emotionally unavailable guy will do. Avoid like the plague. Yeah.

I would also say, I think when I talk about counterfeit closeness and you hear like, oh, guys will do this. I think some of our listeners will. Yeah, that's a typical guy move. Guys absolutely do this all the time. They won't talk about anything deep and meaningful. But here's a little tough love. You might be doing the exact same thing and so if you're not going deeper emotionally, he's unlikely to be the first one to go deep emotionally. But there is a certain natural reciprocity in conversation. There's whole theories about self disclosure and how it's mutually transformative and so how you disclose more, you build more closeness. As you feel closer, you disclose more. And around and around it goes. And so if you're staying counterfeit, closeness level, and then he is, it doesn't go anywhere. But if you start sharing just a little bit more, it becomes weird and awkward. If he doesn't share more, you almost compel him to share and reveal a little bit more. And so it's just something to think about is like we have to remember in conversation it's a two way street, right? It's not just what he's doing and not doing what he should be doing differently and better and all what are we doing? Because that's the easier part to control.

I will say I'm such a nerd myself. And when I decided that I was looking for something more meaningful, getting into like age 26, 27, pretty standard for most people. Before I would go on a date and it would be different depending on what date it was, first, second, third date, I would intentionally think to myself, what's one thing that I want to reveal that's a little more vulnerable about myself? And really think that through before the date and when I'm on a date, kind of direct the conversation towards that topic. So I could talk about something, maybe something have to do with my childhood, my relationship with my parents, my relationship with my brother, something that I was insecure about growing up or something I'm currently a little insecure about. Probably save that for date three or four. But it, you know, it does really force you to just have that courage in that moment where you're sharing an imperfection about yourself on that date. But what I learned and what, what forced me to do this is that by sharing these vulnerabilities, I'm actually building a deeper connection with that person. Because as humans we build connection based on imperfection, not perfection. The old Adam would try and come on, have the perfect things to say, all the perfect one liners, keep it fun, keep it playful, keep it fresh, all that stuff. And that was fine in my early 20s. But when I was really looking a wife and a lifelong partner, that's where I really shifted to the imperfection side of things.

Yeah, all that perfection stuff, that's all about performance. And you don't want a performance, you Want actual authentic connection. And there's a very big difference. Right? And I love what you said. It's. You sneak up on this a little bit and you do it little by little. We're not saying go from zero to a hundred and start just opening up your soul to somebody on date one or two. It's little by little. And let's see, let's see how they react. Let's see how it goes.

Right? And if he's not reacting and he's out reciprocating, you have your answer. Emotionally unavailable. Check, check, check. I think leads us to the second one quite well, which is that he has no real follow through. And this is the classic, words don't match actions. Talk is so cheap. Oh, my God, the things I've heard guys say to women and then not actually do the thing. It just blows my mind. He might say all the right things. He might say how much he likes you, how much he cares about you, how you're the only person for him. But then none of his behaviors will actually follow through on those words. He might say, oh, I would love to meet your family. I would love to build a connection. But anytime you have a family event coming up, guess what? He's actually got a fishing trip with his buddies. And, oh, what do you know? He's got. He's really busy at work. You know, this is where you can really tell if how he feels on the inside. Because again, especially with texting now, I think people are so loose with words and with AI now they can just go on ChatGPT and think, what is a great response to, you know, this person's text? And God help our soul. And what, what. What really matters, especially in this day and age, is what is he actually doing? What is he actually doing to follow through?

Yeah, I think sometimes we think about follow through in all those ways. Right. It's about being consistent. I think there's another way that guys are inconsistent. That's a lot harder to see through. And that's the guy who's punctuates just inconsistency with amazing dates. Like, he's amazing in short little bursts. You go on these, like, bachelor, like, dates where it's like, all this fun and it's emotionally involved. It feels really, really great. But the rest of the time he's absent, not around, not doing anything. And like, that's inconsistent too. Like, that's not follow through and it's. We have to remember that as much as those d. Those short little bursts can be really fun. That's very different than fulfillment. And really what we're looking for is long term fulfillment. And so I think the consistency on a regular basis, not just little bits of amazing with lots of, wait, where is this guy? Because you hear that from our clients a lot where it's like you see them get attached to these guys. Who. There's. There's one client recently was talking about a guy, she sees him every 20 days or so, and they have amazing dates every time. But then he's crickets for weeks. And he's like, what's going on? What's going on? He's like, well, I. He might have another family. I mean, that's entirely possible. What's going on? It's like, you don't know. Like, that's not a relationship. And it's very clear this should not be. This is not the kind of relationship she's looking for. And so she's ending it with him. But it's tough. Like, those kinds of unavailable guys can be really appealing. And that's why, you know, it's good to have a checklist like this to be on the lookout for certain behaviors.

Yeah. And when. And if she has already or when she does end it with that guy, it's very important to tell him why and explain that, look, I'm at a stage in my life where I'm looking for something real. I'm ready for a relationship. And based on your behavior, it kind of tells me that you're not ready for that. So I don't see this being a good fit. Now there's one of two responses. One is, you know, I think you're right. I think I'm not really in the right place and I wish you the best of luck. Or the second response is that he fights for you. He starts coming in strong, and he shows up in consistent ways from that point forward, in ways you've never experienced before. Because now he's realized that he's with a woman that he can't just date. He's with a woman he needs to marry. And when you do things like that, it really sets the tone for your dating life. It says that I'm not the type of woman you can just kind of mess around with. I'm the type of woman you really commit to, and that's what this is all about.

Yeah. And I think, you know, part of that commitment piece is really involving your partner with your existing life. And so the other part of the checklist that we have here, number three, is a guy who's emotionally Unavailable, he's going to keep you on his outer circle. He's not going to let you in. And so he might say, you need to meet my friends, you need to meet my family, you need to see this and you need to see that. And you actually won't follow through. And so he will spend time with your family, he might spend time with your friends, but you're not getting to see his inner world. And that sometimes, and you have to be careful about this can feel special. And sometimes guys will even say, you know, I just want to keep you to myself. Like, this is so amazing. I don't want to ruin this amazing thing that we have. I want to keep you all to myself. And that can feel like a little like, oh, like me. Like, that's amazing. But why is it a secret? Like, that's the other way to look at it is like, why is this such a secret? Because it shouldn't be. Right? Our partnership, this amazing thing that we have, is something we should be proud of. And people share things in their life that they're proud of. And so if you truly feel left out of his world, you have to ask why? Because that's a way to stay emotionally unavailable. Even though some guys will dress it up in seemingly nice ways.

Yeah. I mean, at a minimum, if you've just started dating him, you've gone on four, five, six dates, at a minimum, you should be at least meeting some of his friends. Right. And then once you're in an exclusive relationship, certainly starting to meet the family. And then, you know, social media, I think is, is a double edged sword. Depends how active he is on social media. But if you're in what we call little love step number seven, exclusive, committed, loving relationship, and he's active on social media and he's not posting anything with you, major, major red flags. And while I'm talking about the little love steps, we have seven little love steps that help our clients go from feeling single, lost, confused and lonely, all the way to attracting the love of their life. And I just mentioned little love step number seven. But if you want to learn all the little love steps, I Recommend going to thelovesteps.com that walks you through a free step by step training that really walks you through this process and allows you to attract the love that you truly deserve.

All right, and so looking out for these emotionally unavailable men, two more things on our checklist. Number four is another one that feels like such a good thing, but actually isn't, which is he's evasively mysterious now, this is exactly what sappy romance novels just live on. A guy's inconsistency, his unreliability, his withholding, his vagueness, his lack of availability. He's not always around. And so this, what we would call nerdily in psychology, intermittent reinforcement makes him more appealing. There's a scarcity to him that makes it seem like he's more valuable than human. He is. And so he's going to be mysterious about the present. He's not always going to be around, but he's also going to be mysterious about the future, right? When you have this, you know, where is this relationship going? Kind of conversation, he's like, oh, babe, let's just see where it goes. Let's live in the moment. Let's just take it day by day. Like, this is amazing. And so I want you all to reframe this and recognize this for what it is. This is the precursor to what we have called in the past in a previous podcast, dopamine dating. Dopamine is that thing you feel that creates. It's like gambling, right? It's that longing. It's that thing that you're yearning for that you want. And guys will do this to create intrigue and from this hot, cold, push, pull kind of thing, you know, as a client just described it to me this week on A Mastermind, she said, you know, sometimes he's on and he's affectionate and he is just amazing. And other times it's like he's so distant, he doesn't even want to be there. And that creates this sensation. And again, intermittent reinforcement. You're just working so hard for the times that he's on because you want to be there when he's on so that you just don't miss it, right? And so, you know, you become addicted to the attention. You become addicted to him showing you attention. That and attention is not the same thing as connection. And that's important because I think the other piece of what makes you attracted to the emotionally unavailable man on the checklist is simply you feel lonely. When you feel lonely, you find these low quality guys more appealing, more tolerable. You're more willing to entertain the idea of spending time with them. It's a way of, again, allowing scarcity to dictate your feelings. You feel like there's no other guys. You feel like, you know, you don't have time or your energy. There's nobody where I live. There's a million excuses that you've created about why you need to tolerate this low Quality person. But again, this, this feeling of yearning, of wanting, of needing, that's the opposite of what we want for long term love. For long term love. We want safety, we want security, we want our nervous system to feel just a sense of calm, not a sense of, oh my gosh, what's going to happen next? And that, oh, my gosh, what's going to happen next? That's the stuff of teenage love. That's that, like I said, the, the dopamine, dating things. And so I think it's really important because so many of these emotionally unavailable men, qualities that we have in this checklist all have appeal. And that's why, you know, when, you know, you're listening to this and you know, maybe you're thinking, gosh, I, I've fallen for this, and don't beat yourself up about this like it happens, because so many of these things are at first appealing. But that's, it's exactly why a checklist is so important. You need to have a way, an easy way to recognize these things. And so just to review the checklist is, he's a master of counterfeit closeness. Number two, he has no follow through, right? His words don't match his actions. Number three, he keeps you on the outer circle. He's not introducing you to his close family or friends. Number four, he's evasively mysterious. There's not a lot of consistency, not a lot of sharing. Right. It's not reliable. And number five, you feel lonely. And so when you feel lonely and there's a sense of scarcity, you're willing to accept less than, less than what you truly deserve. And as I often will say to clients, everyone deserves a great relationship. And so if this is something that, that sounds interesting to you and you want to learn a little bit more, we do have a session that you can attend. You can find that@loveapply.com because, you know, ultimately nobody wants to feel lonely. And you know, you can help that. And you'll feel better when you have a support system around you, right? And that support system coaches, fellow community members who are going through the exact same thing that you are. And so if you're interested in that at all, working with Adam and I and our amazing team, you can check it out@loveapply.com all right, thanks, everybody.