The Gender Myth: How 'Men vs. Women' Thinking Destroys Intimacy

Guys are logical. Women are emotional. Men need space in relationships. Women need closeness. You've all heard this a million times, right? Sounds really obvious. But here's the problem. It's all wrong. Gary, tell them why.

Research, baby. It's all wrong because of research. And so there's a lot of research. There's one study in particular, and it's like a huge study, which is why I like to reference this one. Analyzed over 13,000 people across 100 plus traits that impact relationships. Their conclusion, and I quote, I don't quote often, but this quote is so good. It's. It just. I had to quote, it is untrue that men and women think about their relationships in qualitatively different ways. Mic drop. Boom. Research shows this, that men and women don't think about relationships differently. Here's the bigger problem. Almost nobody believes what I just said. Almost nobody believes that men and women are actually quite similar in how they approach relationships. And so today on a podcast, what we're gonna do is gonna bust the myths. You're gonna see why men and women are far more alike than what you've been led to believe. Why focusing on those differences hurts dating and relationships, and how focusing on the similarities will actually build closeness, passion, and real partnership.

Love this idea, because I think we've all heard of the book, or many of us. I certainly have read the book, Men are from Mars, Women are From, and it kind of convinces us that men and women are just so different that they might as well be from different planets. And look, I'm not a PhD. I'm not a researcher, so I got you here for Gary.

You're. You're.

You're the. The book smart guy around here. But what I will tell you is my personal experience of being a love coach for men over 15 years ago and then switching over to women. And I had so many preconceived notions about what that switch might be like and how different it might be and the deepest desires of the genders and all of that stuff. And, yeah, certainly there's some differences, and there are differences in my approach, but what it is that they're looking for in relationships and how they generally approach relationships are much, much more similar than I ever anticipated. It was pretty wild, I gotta say. And in many ways, so much of what I was teaching men, I actually was just able to reconfigure a little bit. So it resonated with women, and then it became super effective for women. It was. It was way less work than I thought it was going to be honestly, at the time, I was like, wow.

This is great when you have the benefit of direct, lived experience with large groups of people. And that's the thing that I think just most people don't have. And it's why the men are from Mars women from Venus mentality really stuck because that book basically said men and women are completely, absolutely, totally different. Right. One of the. One of the quotes from that book is like, men and women, they think, feel, perceive, react, respond, love, need, and appreciate differently, to which most of the world kind of reads. That is like, yeah, they do. They are very different. And I think it's not just like this harmless academic thought where it's like, yeah, it's a little bit of an exaggeration, but it's not a big deal. It is a huge deal if you are a woman trying to have a relationship with a man or vice versa. These beliefs are toxic. They are holding you back. They are limiting your intimacy. They're holding back the full potential of your relationship. I don't know if you can tell Adam. I get fired up about this because it is such one of those. It's one of the biggest myths out there, and it does so much harm that people don't even realize. So I'm glad we get a chance to talk about it today.

And I think on a personal level, you know, I don't want to speak on behalf of you, but I believe this is also true for you, like, romantically, my marriage, like, I'm like the romantic SAP. Like, my wife is. Is very affectionate, and it's great, all that stuff. But, like, I am a true SAP. I don't know. Like, I cry during certain movies when it's, like, romantic, and, like, I'm. I'm just that guy. And I'm like, I. I love the little gifts and flowers and all this stuff. And our gender roles. Yeah. I mean, I certainly try and step into my masculine during certain moments. We want to build attraction. My wife step more in the feminine, yada, yada, yada. But, like, generally speaking, if you read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, like, I would be on the opposite planet, I guess, like, hello, hello. Maybe that's the move, though. If you're a single guy, just go to the other planet, you get all the women.

You went over to Venus with your penis, and that's. And then there you were, Gary.

All right, that's not bad. That's not bad. Now, that's a good book, right? That's a dating book for men. Go to Venus with your penis and you'll get a wife. There you go.

So let's bust some of these myths. So we got seven ways to bust gender myths. And that's going to help you build a real connection. And so the number one is what you think you know for sure might actually be wrong. And so the three words I love you. And so who says that first? Men or women? And so researchers have studied this, and most people believe just kind of walk out, go, go to the mall, go to your local Walmart, whatever. And you just ask people who says I love you first, Men or women? And 75% of people believe that it's women. But in reality, it's not that high. It's actually men who say it more. They're more likely to say it first. 64% of the time. It's men who are falling in love easier, faster, saying it more. They're more likely to believe things like, love conquers all. Women, on the other hand, they're the pragmatic ones. They are very logical. They ask things like, you know, we might. I have feelings for him, but does he have a job? Is he reliable? Is he a nice person? Like, women focus much more on practical, pragmatic things. And so not only are. Is what you know, wrong, the stereotypes that we have about how men and women operate in relationships are actually flipped. Women's approach, caring about job prospects and, you know, personality things, that sounds pretty rational and logical. Sounds pretty smart. Actually. Men's love conquers all approach sounds pretty darn emotional. Sounds like teenager love. And so not only what we think is wrong, but it's like, we have it in many ways very backwards. And it just makes it. You know, how many times you hear women say, like, I just don't understand men, and men say, like, I just don't understand women. It's like, no wonder we don't understand each other. We're operating with a bunch of flawed assumptions.

100. And to me, the most important part of this metric that when I first read about this a long time ago, the one that really surprised me is that men fall in love faster and report falling in love faster. I'm not surprised that men will say it first because maybe that's more of, like a social and cultural norm. But men will report much more quickly than women that they're falling in love. And that was my experience when I was coaching men. Like, a man would meet a woman, going out and go on like the second date and be like, I am so in love with her. Like, this Is it? I am so in. Oh, my God, she's so perfect. Yada, yada, yada. And like, the blinders were on so hard with women. That's a pretty rare. Just like, look, we've. We've worked with tens of thousands of women over the past decade. That's a pretty rare circumstance. And maybe because of the culture we have here, love strategies where people don't do that around here, but I still think that that is just not very common for women. They're much more intentional, thinking it through. Like you said, logical. Like trying to weigh all the different kind of pieces and parts of the guy. Is he worth my time? Is he worth my effort? Is he making the effort, so on, so forth. Does he have a job? Does he meet my love vision? All of that stuff. It's just. Just. Yeah, it's kind of swapped in that sense.

Women spend a lot more time thinking about dating, relationships and love than men do. And so, you know that when you start thinking about things that much, it does lend itself to more of a rational, logical approach. And so, you know, it's like we say all the time, it's like, follow your heart, but take a little strategy with you. And so it's a very natural combination, which guys are more. Just follow your heart. But we're in love. As long as we're in love, babe, we can make it work out. Like any. It doesn't matter. Like, I don't have a job and haven't had a job for 10 years. Like, we're in love. Like, no, no, I guess that's. No, I mean, it's just not. That's not how the best relationships are born.

And so just to support the initial thesis that men and women really aren't that different, it's such a broad spectrum on both sides. There are some men who are very logical, and there are some women who do fall in love more quickly. Like, it really is across the board. There is definitely. I find it's more swapped, if anything, if I had to make a choice. Like, women tend to be more logical, men tend to be more emotional. But generally speaking, at the end of the day, it's kind of all the same thing, kind of all dealing with the same thing.

It is. And, you know, and that's the thing. There's a lot of similarity. But, you know, I think something that often comes up in these discussions is, are men and women different in some ways? It's like, well, absolutely, they're different in some ways, but we have to be. And this is number Two is like, don't confuse different with meaningful, because, yeah, men and women are different. And you can think of tons of ways they're different. Body shape, strength, height, like, musculature, hobbies. Right. If I say someone's into scrapbooking, you know, I'm talking about a woman.

Right.

Like, it's just like, no, you know.

You'Re saying men can't do scrapbooking, not.

Saying they can't, Adam. So you can embrace your, you know, painter, your inner scrapbooker, but it's just like, there's so many obvious differences that we see all the time. It makes us kind of extrapolate and assume they're different in all ways. And researchers, again, have looked at this, and it looked at, like, deeper psychological variables. Personality, relationship, relevant things related to self esteem, et cetera. And basically, big, again, huge studies. Men and women, they're the same. Like, they're. They're virtually the same on most, if not all, psychological variables. And so when there are differences, they're small. And so small differences can be real differences. And without getting into all the stat stuff behind it, because I know I don't want to lose everybody, but it's like, I would always explain it as is. Like, this research finds men and women are different on certain things, let's say, like, verbal fluency. The difference that you find, it's real. Much like the difference between vanilla ice cream and French vanilla ice cream. Those are different flavors, but those. Like, how much of a real difference is that? To me, it's unnoticeable. It's.

It's.

You know, we assume it's a chocolate vanilla difference, and it's not. It's a vanilla, French vanilla difference. And that's the thing. And that's what I mean by is like, is that really meaningful in an everyday way? And oftentimes the answer to that is, no, it's not that meaningful. And so that's how I always encourage students and everyone to think about these things. Like, you can have real differences, but often they're small and not terribly meaningful.

Even if it's chocolate and vanilla, it's still ice cream. It's not ice cream compared to pasta. You know, it's.

And that's how ice convert to broccoli. Yeah.

You know, like, look, it's where you're putting your focus and your energy, which I think leads us, well, to the third point, which is if we are constantly focusing on the differences between men and women, then suddenly we can fall for what Gary loves to call as the tyranny of low expectations. If you have the belief that all men are just bad communicators or you know, men think women are just way too sensitive. If we constantly think that, then we can fall into this tyranny of low expectations. These are not harmless beliefs. These are very harmful because they create a toxic cycle. You might start to expect certain negative gender related behaviors and these type of qualities. You might expect that, oh yeah, he's a really bad communicator. So all guys are bad communicators. So, so what? You know, those are just the expectations I have to deal with. Or you know, when they do that thing, you know, you're not surprised. It's expected. And it's like, this is just how it is. Like, or all women are just kind of like that. And you tolerate this because, well, he's from a different planet, so this is how it's got to be. Or she's just being another woman who is emotionally volatile. And that's just what I got to deal with. And you get stuck just tolerating these behaviors that are just so far from ideal. And what we do here at Love Strategies with all of our clients is we raise the right type of standards and expectations. Because if you have only low expectations, you will get low results in your love life. If you have low expectations in anything in life, you're going to get low results. So let's not expect the worst and get the worst. Let's expect the right type of behavior from men that you would expect from anyone in your life.

100 and I think, you know, very much related to this and you mentioned this is like, stop hiding behind this all men or all women type of excuse. Like sometimes you get, you see clients and they're, they're talking about some, some guy they're with and it's like, oh, you know, it's, it's this, that's how men are. Boys will be boys. And sometimes you'll hear men say things like, oh, she's just being a girl. And it's like, no, no, no, no, no. That's not how all men are. All men are not emotionally closed off, you know, people who are not willing to connect with you. That's not true. And so you're letting people off the hook. And you're more than anything disappointing yourself because you're not, you know, getting what you actually deserve. And if you make it about, if you make his bad behavior about him being a guy, guess what's not going to change him being a guy. And so you then Become stuck. And if all guys are the same, right, and he's not a great communicator, and you think, like, well, maybe I could do better. Maybe I do want a different partner. Oh, but I'm going to be with another guy. All guys are bad. Communicate, like. Then it becomes like, what's the point? What's the point of switching relationships? What's it, what's the point of find. Trying to find somebody better if all guys are like this? And so not only is this all men mentality an excuse for bad behavior, it's also a trap that you're putting yourself in.

Definitely. And I want to give you all a special gift. This is something I put together recently based on my experience having coached men and a lot of kind of the learnings from having worked with men. We're getting out there and trying to meet women just like you. I call it the male mind map. And I kind of dive deep into some of the experiences that men might be going through when it comes to dating. And it can set you up for success. While you're getting out there, it's going to really reconfigure your mindset about men and about relationships in ways that you might not have previously thought. So you can find that seminar@mailmindmap.com and that's going to really walk you through this whole process. I'm going to talk about some red flags to watch out for when you're meeting guys, as well as some of the myths that might be sabotaging your love life. So again, I would highly recommend it's brand new. Mail mindmap.com and you can check that out. It's a free gift for those who are watching the podcast or listening to the podcast.

Awesome. Thanks, Adam. So number five on how to debunk these myths is this idea that you see gender like you see male femaleness, but you're missing the real story. And so there's research that shows when it comes to dating, women are pickier than men. Right? And I think, like, you hear that, it's like, okay, that makes sense. That kind of resonates with a lot of our lived experience. But is it biological or situational? Now, my background, my PhD is in Social psychology. And social psychology is all about, in the most general sense, the power of the situation. And so in dating, we have scripts where traditionally men approach and women choose. And so there's research looking at speed dating studies. And speed dating is like, you get to meet lots of people in rapid succession. You kind of like women Sit in one spot and, you know, every four minutes, five minutes, whatever, ring a bell, men switch, and you kind of get to know different people. Now, in those traditional settings, that's how most speed dating events are done. What the research finds is that women are, in fact, pickier. They're. They're more discerning, right? They're, they're. They're saying yes to fewer men. Men are saying yes to more women. It's like, oh, well, there it is. You know, women. Women are pickier. But here's the great thing about research. Sometimes is like, we try just different things. And so those researchers flipped the script. They did a scenario where men stayed in one spot and women circulated. Well, guess what happened? All of a sudden, women weren't pickier. It was the guys who were pickier. And so I, I call this kind of colloquially the Sadie Hawkins effect, because it's like Sadie Hawkins is when the women have to ask the men out traditionally for a special dance. And it's like what I think this shows is what we think sometimes are purely biological forces. There's a lot of situational factors and power differentials that come into play. And so when you sit in one spot in a speed dating event, you feel a sense of abundance. You're sitting there, people are coming to you. It makes you more select, it makes everyone more selective, not just women. And so I think it's just important to recognize that what we're seeing as gender effects a lot of time is really power effects, because if you change a situation, the behaviors change. And I think it's. It's actually one of those, like, for those of you listeners who love psychology and love thinking about human behavior, it's like one of those little lessons that just, I hope you take from this episode is just like the power of the situation and the power dynamics explains a lot of gender dynamics.

Right? Well, about three years ago or two years ago, I should say, we launched a very special event where only select few clients would fly here to Boston in. They would work with us for a weekend, Dr. Dari and I, the Love Strategies team, and we would really go deep and, and really help them not only break some of the patterns in their love life, but also be able to have a strategy moving forward coming out of the event. And before the first event, I had a little bit of an idea where I was like, you know, I want to try something I used to do with my male clients back when I used to coach men, because I used to have large groups of men, you know, all Come together and we would go out together and work on our flirtation skills and so on and so forth. And what I used do with men is have what I call the social score challenge. A social score challenge is how many new people can you meet in a given night? And whoever meets the most number of people gets a silly little like, trophy prize. And the point of it is to just encourage people to go out and meet new people and just start conversations. So that's all you got to do is just start a conversation. And before our event with women, I remember telling Gary and the rest of the team about this, and I'm like, I kind of want to try this with, with our, our women, with the women clients, and let's see how this goes. And I honest to God did not know how it was going to go because our clients are very, very like affluent, elegant. They're not the type of women who will go to, to a bar and just like go and approach a guy. You know, they tend to be in their 40s, 50s, and beyond a little bit later in life. It's just not kind of. It's not a socially normal thing to do. And so we tried it and the first event and Gary, I don't know about you, but my mind was blown.

Where's amazing, Amazing to say they went.

Out of that room and went. There was like a, a bar at this really high end hotel here in Boston. And it was like this amazing bar scene. And there's like a lot of different people. There were men there who were 21, all the way to 61. You know, it's just a huge range of different types of guys. And these women, I'm telling you, like lawyers, doctors, politicians, you name it, we're running around the room, starting conversations with everyone, anywhere, anytime, to compete for this social score just to get this darn trophy that we created for this silly event. And now this is stuck. Every event that we do, we do the same social score challenge. And it's super fun. It's a really exciting event. And the point of this is once again backing up this idea that it really was the same thing that I did with men. And it worked exactly the same way. It was like, I did not expect that at all.

Well. And it flips the script because. And the women, before we send them out, they all kind of have like the same look. It's like, well, wait a second, I'm gonna go up and talk to men. Like, that's not what I normally do. And we're like, yeah, we know and like, guys are not going to be expecting this. We're like, yeah, yeah, we know. And it's like, wow, what a difference this makes. Sometimes just getting a little out of your comfort zone and just trying things. And you know, it's. By the end, they're the first person they go up to. I'm sure they're, they're all kind of terrified and scared. They're not sure how it's going to go, but it goes, it goes amazing every time. And then it's like anything else, you practice, you get better at it and better at it and better at it and works. You know, what, what is human connection is human connection at the end. And I think, you know, that's, that's the number six point here about, you know, gender myths. It's like we just need to focus on the similarities more. We've spent all this time focusing on differences and when you look for differences, you're going to find them. And instead of, you know, being adversaries, men versus women, like, what if your teammates, what if you were on the same side? Like, turn your arch rival into an ally and like, let's just be on the same side with things. Because I think ultimately, you know, and the number seven point about how to bust these gender myths is just start focusing on human qualities. Like just the fact like, like you were saying about, you know, even chocolate and vanilla, like it's still all ice cream. It's like, yeah, it's the same thing with people. It's like we are all humans. My, my daughter now she, she's old enough, she's in college. But when she was little, one of the things in like little, little like three and four, she was taught from a very early age that, you know, there's not boy stuff and girl stuff, there's just stuff. And we like really made that like a family thing in our house. So before she even went to preschool, she just always knew there's not boy stuff and girl stuff. There's just stuff. So that, you know, when family members would come over and say things like, oh, well, you know, that's for girls. My little daughter would like kind of like look at my mother in law and be like, no nanny. There's not boy stuff in girl. There's just stuff. And it's like, this is. There's not men and women, but it's like, no, no, we're just people. We're just people. And at the end of it, like, we all want to be seen, heard, understood, validated. We all want to be ourselves. And it's like we all want someone to connect with and share our amazing life with together. And it's like, let's not lose sight of this. This is what relationships are about. And as I say to my students all the time, you know, this way of thinking about, like, we're all humans at the core. As Montel Jordan says, this is how we do it. This is how we do it.

Oh, God, I did not think you were gonna send. And that was. I know. This is how we do it. He would sing too. Wow, Gary. I had a whole thought that I think I just lost. I know. I got it. All right. You know what's interesting about that is my visceral reaction when you told that story and I, I love that story. Was, yeah, but women, little girls tend to gravitate to different things than little boys. And I think, like, generally true, sure. It doesn't take away from the point that they're just kids, right? And we can focus on, okay, you're a boy, therefore you do this. You're a girl, therefore you do this. Or we can just acknowledge, yeah, sure, they might have different tendencies or whatever, but they're just kids and they just want to play with stuff and they're just like, oh, cool, a doll. Like, oh, cool, a ball, whatever it is. And it's such a healthier way to go about life is to just focus on what we all have in common. And ultimately, if and your partner have the same life goals, which is being in a committed, healthy relationship and you want to build something incredible together, all these little differences can actually turn into minutia when you're just focusing on this long term goal. And I know what many of you are thinking, well, men don't want commitment nowadays. That's also not true. Look at the data on that one. Not true. In fact, it's starting to skew a little bit where women are starting to want less commitment than men these days. So let's just take a look at all of this. Hopefully, like you can take away from this idea where men and women really aren't from different planets and we're much more alike and way better off focusing on the common ground.

Right, Gary, it's like you said, we're all ice cream.

We're all just delicious, dairy free ice cream for the belly. You know, I'm a, I'm a dairy free guy, but that's all we are. So, you know, one thing that we really pride ourselves in here at Love Strategies to really help this kind of idea Live out in reality with our coaching is we like to have a coaching staff of both men and women because this allows the same messaging to get through to our clients. Sometimes you need to hear it from a fellow woman who's a similar age group as you. Maybe you need to hear from a couple of guys like us. Whatever it is, ultimately it's very similar messaging because we know what we do works, and that's great. But that's something that's really core part of our value system is having different coaches from different experiences, different background, all teaching and aligned with the same process that we call the seven little love steps. And for those of you who are sick and tired of getting advice just from men or getting advice just from women, that's how we do things a little bit differently around here. And so if you want some guidance in your love life, a more holistic approach that's going to guide you on your path to finding love and finding the right person, the right partner, then what I recommend you do is head on over to loveapply.com you can apply for a complimentary love strategy session. Jump on a session with someone on my team who's going to understand where does you've been struggling, where does you want to go and guide you on that path forward in your love life. And we can see whether or not our coaching is right for you. We're here for you regardless. But again, I would head on over to loveapply.com apply for that session. If you get a session, jump on it. Make sure you show up because we don't have many available and we'll walk with you every single step of the way. Gary, this was a great one. I appreciate you so much. We'll talk soon.

All right. Thanks, Adam. Take care.