The One That Got Away: Get Him Back or Let Him Go?

Hey there everyone. Before we start the podcast, as you all know, there's a lot of bad dating and love advice out there and we want to put a stop to that. So if you're enjoying this podcast, you enjoy the content that we're putting out, please can you leave a review? Wherever it is that you're listening to this podcast, it spreads a lot of love and it really helps get this message out there so we can help more women just like you attract the love that they truly deserve. Go ahead and leave that review and let's jump into the podcast. You're just so excited. You love those first couple months of being with someone because it feels so good. You have just like so many love chemicals flowing through your body, but realizing, and especially in hindsight, just realizing none of that was actually that special. What's special is once you get to the three to six month mark and you become best friends and you really care about the person, not just you care about the, the dopamine and norepinephrine and all that stuff going through your body, you actually care about the person that's special. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy the one who got away. Gary. That's what we're gonna be talking about. Do we try to get him back or do we let him go and fly little bird and be free on in his life? That's what we're gonna be talking about today. You excited about this?

I'm pumped. This is like one of the most common questions that we get.

It really is. And when I thought about this topic, I think back to one of my really close friends. This is a guy going after a girl. So you're gonna have to just change it for your specific situation. But I think many people can relate to this. All right, so one of my good friends, I lived with him in like my early 20s and he was basically casually dating this girl for about five years. It was actually like pretty mind boggling. And he was, they were always in and out, this like chaotic kind of relationship. It was never Really a thing. He wasn't that into her. She wasn't that into him. But they. You. You get the drift. All right. But been. I. I've moved on. I. You know, we. We were no longer roommates, but about five years later, he calls me and he's like, guess who I'm seeing this weekend? I'm like, who? He's like, janelle. I'm like, no way. You're reconnecting with Janelle. He's like, actually, I decided to get a hotel for us in Newport, Rhode Island.

So he's really reconnecting.

He's like, we haven't seen each other in five years. I am so excited. And I was like, this is the worst idea you've ever had in your life. You are so dumb. I, like, I went off for, like, 10 minutes. I'm like, what are you thinking? You haven't seen her in five years. He's like, yeah, but she was so great. It's gonna be amazing. I'm so excited. So I'm like, all right, let's see what goes down for this weekend. Enjoy. He's like, the hotel's booked. Like, we're doing it. We're doing it.

I cannot wait. I just gotta tell you, I cannot wait to see how this turns out. Either they're married with, like, three kids now, or, like, he ended up in a jail cell or something. Like, how did. This had to go one of two ways.

It's neither. It's actually neither. So he gets there, and she walks in the room, and within one second, he's like, what did I do? And it wasn't even her physical appearance. It was. She looked great. And it was just one of those moments where he's like, oh, no. And he had to do dinner with her. You just spend the night with her. And the entire time, they, like, were, like, catching. It was like, literally two strangers basically having to get a hotel room together for the night.

Yeah. Because five years of their life, they change. So. People change so much, right? You lose track. And these kind of, like, rendezvous or, like, reconnections. You play it up in your mind like, you've seen enough Hallmark movies, right? And it's like, you. You know, it's gonna go so amazing. There's gonna be all this connection, and it's. We're gonna pick up right where we left off, and it's like, probably not.

No, no. So, needless to say, that did not happen. And now he is happily engaged with a. Another woman, just to end that story. But that was a Lot of pain. And honestly, like, from an outside perspective, I. I think we can see things that people can't see when they're in it. And that's a lot of what our job is. And. And I don't really coach my friends very often. I'm sure you don't really either. Usually they don't want to hear it. But this was a perfect mom. Have to get involved because I was so intimately involved in this. So for anyone who can relate to that story, that's what we're going to be discussing today, is whether or not we should lean in or let that person go. So, Gary, you want to walk us through a little bit?

Yeah. I think, you know, one of the. We said at the top, like, this is one of the most common questions we get, because when you're dating in a modern dating type of setting, it's hectic. There's a lot going on. There's lots of apps, lots of messages. You're. You're texting some people, you're meeting some people, you're, you know, and there's just so much going on. Like, sometimes guys fall through the cracks for whatever reason, and maybe you just. It was a misconnection. Maybe it was, you know, you did meet up and have a great date, and then you just stopped hearing from each other. And so it's. You just. You get plagued with, like, the world's worst most vexing and beguiling two words, which is, what if?

What if what?

Like, what if he really wanted to text me but lost my number? What if he really. He was going to be my guy, but he's on some secret military mission now, and that's why I haven't heard from him. Right. There's just all these things that, like, play into this idea of, like, should I win him back? Should I let him go? Because you just don't know. And that drives people crazy not knowing what's going on. And so that's really what we're talking about, is like, you know, you don't know what's going on. And so how do you resolve this? And are there good ways of doing this and there are bad ways of doing it. And so we're going to talk a little bit about both and just kind of see, you know, which. Because sometimes you should hang on, and sometimes you definitely need to let go. And so we're going to talk about both.

Yeah, definitely. It can be very plaguing. And I think the big one that I hear from a lot of women is, like, what if he didn't know that I really liked him, that's a big one. I hear a lot. Moto. He really just didn't know, and he flaked off. And then you dive into it and he's like, oh, yeah, he knew that you liked him. He did, you know, usually. So let's kind of go through this thinking process. I'd love to hear what you think.

And so, you know, I think there's something really romantic about this whole notion because, you know, it didn't work out the first time. Like, it didn't work out with Janelle the first time. And there's this, like, what if life gives you a second chance? Should you take it? And I feel like there should be, like, sparkles and, like, candles and, like, all kinds of, like, things that. Because this whole idea of a second chance, like, this guy played it up in his mind that this was going to be amazing. And I think that's really important because what are you actually missing? The fact is, you don't know. But when you don't have that other person around and they're not there to fact check you, it's a projection screen in the sense that, like, we've talked about this in a previous podcast about the fill in the blank effect where you essentially fibbing to yourself. And so this. What's going on, like, you can play any direction, any angle in your mind to make that other person seem amazing. And so when they're coming back, of course it's going to work out, probably actually isn't going to work out. And so you don't know and just have to be cognizant of this. This propensity to fill in the blanks with the most hopeful, wishful thinking types of information possible.

Yeah, because it's.

It's. It's unrealistic, unfortunately.

I mean, maybe you could fill in the psychology on this, but. And I don't know if I am unique in this, but all the memories I have of people and my history tends to be extremely positive. Like, I look back on most now, there's some obviously exceptions there where it was, like, so toxic and so horrible that I'm like, dear God, never again. Why let that human being be in my life? But the vast majority of people, I think back and I'm like, wow. I think back to all the good times I've had with that person. And is there. Is there, like, a psychological phenomenon going on there? Is there a name for it?

I. I'm gonna call it the Adam La Dolce Positivity bias? No, no, because I think, I think that's something that's happening for you because you're generally a pretty, you're a positive guy, right? Like you're an optimist. Like you're, you're growth oriented. Like you're just, you're positive. I don't think that happens for everybody. In fact, you know, a lot of times people have a negativity bias now when it comes to like looking back on things. I think nostalgia and reminiscing factor in quite a bit, but I don't, I don't think, I think that's like one of those times where you're AN N OF 1 and you know, anecdotes aren't data necessarily, but it's. I think it's too way to be.

It's my truth and it's the truth. Okay. No, but I mean, I do think if that's not the case for a lot of people in other areas, I do think it is many times the case in ex relationships where you look back and you remember only the good times and you just seemingly forget all those moments where he was DMing other girls on Instagram or he was not actually available for you except once every two weeks. But those when I was with him, oh, so good. Oh my God, the sex was so great. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I do think that there is a way of just looking back at these moments when enough time has passed and thinking, wow, it was actually really good. I may have missed something.

Yeah, I mean, there's definitely a rose colored glasses type of phenomenon that can play into this as well. Where. And it's all motivational in the sense that if you want there to be a connection, if you're hoping for there to be a reconnection, you're definitely going to see things more rosier than they otherwise may have been.

So, yeah, if you're like starting with the end in mind, which is like, I want to be with this person, then you just work your way backwards and find the path that makes most sense.

How's this going to work? How's this going to work?

Yeah, right.

Which I think something is a total tangent, but it's super fascinating and totally relevant. I was just listening to a podcast, they were talking about this research where they're talking about job interviews. And job interviews are notoriously bad at predicting who's going to be the best worker. And this recent research was showing that the, one of the main reasons why it's so bad is that people, when they start Interviewing somebody, they form a conclusion really fast, and then they basically spend the whole interview trying to make this person fit their initial conclusion. And so it's exactly what you just said about, like, you kind of start with the end, and then you just try to force it to fit. And I think that is something everybody needs to be really cautious about.

That's so funny on that tangent. We do a lot. We're growing a lot right now, as you know. I love strategies. And one thing I used to do a lot on interviews is try and build a lot of rapport at the beginning because I'm like, oh, I love meeting someone new. Like, oh, no way. You know, boss. Before you know it, you like them. So now I like to start out as a hard ass and, like, purposely not like them. And I know that might give them. And me as a hard ass is. Not that I was gonna say that's.

Gonna be hard for you.

Well, it's just coming on and being like, okay, like, blah, blah, blah. Tell me about why you motivated you to want to work with us. And so anyways, the point is, like, I don't want to like the person right off the bat. Actually kind of try to withhold judgment a little bit. And that's something new. But that's interesting research. It's good to know about.

Look at you using strategy. That's really good.

Trying, man. But it is a total cluster, man. It really is the same. Like, hey, when it comes to hiring, it's the same thing as dating. Pace. Like, pace, pace, space. Get to know the real person. It takes about three to six months before you know the real person. And don't get too excited. And, you know, don't. Don't give them half your company or whatever, you know, whatever it is that you want to do. When you really like someone from the beginning, it's just. It's. You gotta pace, right?

Yes. Keep, keep, keep it slow. So, you know, when it comes to, you know, winning them back, letting them go, that kind of thing. I think there's two common comeback stories that happen in dating, and then there's a different way to deal with each of them. And so the first one, and I think I'm starting with this one first because I think this is the hardest one for. For women, and we definitely hear this from our clients, is the instant chemistry cliffhanger. So this is. Oh, I know, right? Sounds, like, sparkly.

I like that.

You meet somebody, the sparks are flying. Immediate attraction. Everything is going amazing. Chemistry off the charts. Lots of texting, lots of connecting. Like. Like this is the one. He is it. This is like the rest of our relationship is going to be exactly like this forever and ever and ever perfect. And then you don't hear from him.

You don't hear from him, or things change. He starts to pull away. A million different things can happen because we know that those first few months or so are not an indicator of future success of the relationship. Right? Yeah.

I mean, things can be going great, and then poof, just like that, he's gone. Or it's like kind of a slow fade where it's like you're getting text all the time, and all of a sudden now it's every three days, and then you're just getting an emoji back every once in a while. Right. And then it just. He's. He just kind of dwindles off and goes away.

Dr. Gary, I want closure. I want closure. He's ghosted on me. Give me some closure, man. What do I do? Should I text him? Should I call him just to see what he really thinks? What do you think?

I mean, of course you want closure, Adam. Of course you do, but because everybody does, everyone wants to know. Everyone to know what is going on with him, what happened, what happened. And I always say it doesn't matter because you want closure. Him not responding, him disappearing, him not texting. That's an answer, right? It's not the one you want, right? And that's what makes it hard.

Are you tired of committing your heart to a man who only just pulls away? Well, if so, we have a very special presentation that's available to our podcast listeners. It's at a special link. It's called he commits dot com. And it's going to walk you through the five secret strategies that make men commit. Head on over to he commits dot com. It's only available for a short period of time, I think. Going to like it a lot. All right, back to the podcast. I've had that happen to me a couple times back when I was single, when you'd be talking to a woman and you liked her, you thought it was going well, and then it just fizzles or fades or. I don't know if it's ever been a straight ghost. Probably a straight ghost. I've got to go way back into the. The time machine here. I'm sure that that's happened to me, but honestly, for me, I made a shift where I found it. Like I used to chase in that moment, even emotionally chasing my mind back. Oh, my God. What if and go after it. But then I just made a shift. I think it was right around when I was going through my own kind of, like, personal transformation in the dating area, and which is what led me to be a coach. I made this shift where I'm like, the moment she ghosts or is unengaged, I'm actually less attracted to her. Like, I don't even care about closure at that point. I'm like, whatever. She's not into me, and that's not hot to me like that. It's actually it. It doesn't even require discipline to be set apart from that person. Like, for a lot of people, like, oh, just be disciplined. Don't talk to them. Like, remove them from your phone. I'm like, she could be my phone all she wants. She control my Facebook feed all she wants. I'm not interested in her because why would I be attracted to someone who's not attracted to me? I think that that's a healthy shift. And it took me. That's what. Something that's worked for me. It took me a long time to kind of develop that. But once you have it, oh, my God. It's like a superpower. Because no longer do you have to just, like, be so, like. Like seeking this closure. That is the closure.

Yeah. And I think that that's really important. Right. No response is a response. Dwindling texts is a response. Like, those are forms of closure. If you're willing to see it for what it is. And seeing it for what is exactly what you just said. And that's the strategy, which is let it go.

Right.

Be a chooser, not a chaser. Avoid having that pick me energy. That pick me energy is like, I need everybody to like me. I need to. I need to be the one to break things off. Right. And it's. We will have clients that will say, I just had one last week. She didn't like this guy. She had a couple reasons why she didn't like him, but then he stopped talking to her. She didn't get a chance to let it. She was like, I don't. He's a nice guy. I don't want to next him. I don't want to tell him I'm not interested. I like. No, it's okay. It's fine. He must have picked up on this on some level. And he just stopped responding to her. And now guess what? She wants him. Him.

Totally him. That's just the sickness of the human mind. We just want what we can't have. And it's just like, I, I, I understand that, that like, we can all appreciate that moment where it's like you don't even want the thing until you can't have it. Then you're like, oh, give me that.

He was never more appealing than in that moment when he stopped talking to her.

Yeah.

Which that's what we're trying to help listeners to avoid. We want to empower you to do exactly what Adam just said, which is when someone gives you that closure of not responding or seeming not interested, it's not attract that makes somebody less attractive. You let it go. And so as you alluded to earlier, the research is very clear. Like, we get excited because the early part of that relationship was so amazing. But the thing is, the early part of relationships isn't special. Relationships that do well in the long term start off great. Relationships do horribly in the long term also start off great. So if you're going by those first few dates and how like you're just projecting like, oh, from here on out, it's going to be amazing. And it's just, it doesn't work that way. And so you just have to realize that that early stuff just isn't that special. And when someone stops responding, it just means they're not your person. They're not, that's not your guy, they don't appreciate you, they're not attractive. Don't chase them around.

I love that. Gary, this is what I love about you, man. This is like, this is what's drawn me to your way of thinking as well. I think this is why we're two just kindled souls. It's like I, I totally agree. Like, and, and the reason why I agree so much is because I think I used to be a chemistry chaser myself. New, new term chemistry chasers. Like, you're just so excited. You love those first couple months of being with someone because it feels so good. You have just like so many love chemicals flowing through your body. But realizing, and especially in hindsight, just realizing none of that was actually that special. What's special is once you get to the three to six month mark and you become best friends and you really care about the person, not just you care about the, the dopamine and norepinephrine and all that stuff going through your body, you know, you actually care about the person that's special. Right. And so just being able to delineate between the, the two, I think is, is so important. I have a feeling we have a lot of chemistry chasers that are listening. And as an ex chemistry Chaser. I totally get it. I think online dating apps really hit those kind of neural centers to just make us constantly chase and chase and chase and chase. So.

And I think a lot of it, you know, the chemistry chaser. 100%. And I think it's just sometimes people are in love with the idea of falling in love.

Yeah, right.

It's just like, you like that feeling. It's a great feeling. I mean, it's not surprising, but it's, you know, it's something else we say a lot is, you know, what gets you together isn't what keeps you together. And like, those initial chemistry feelings are great and those help long term, but it's not actually what helps you go from the first three months to the next 30 years. And it's just different things.

I think that they're in love with the idea of falling in lust. They might call it love, sure. But, like, love requires challenge. Like, love requires seeing someone's deep imperfections and being like, like, I still love that person. I'm gonna show up for them. Like, I don't. I actually think it is. It's much more of a speaking from personal side. And it's not about the sex necessarily. It's just that excitement you have of being with a new person. And your brain is like, if you put an MRI on it, it looks like you are literally on cocaine. It is just such a high. And I think that that is really what people are chasing because, you know, and people might say they're chasing love, but it's really, really lust.

Yeah, it's. It's kind of. It's one of the things you say in the program. That's one of the clients actually brought up last night. It's like the. All this lust in the chemistry stuff. It's like relationship junk food. Right. And like every once in a while, like, you just have to eat some kale. Long term relationships requires eating some kale. Right. Like, you have to be put some healthy things in there. Yeah, I. I think one of the other pieces to just, to close out this idea of like, early part isn't special is that the guys that are really good at making the early part of relationships special, they didn't get good at that by accident. It's a practice thing. Like that charisma, that ability to like, just woo you in exactly the right way and work the conversation and have all that confidence. They're good at it because they've done it a lot and a lot of times they're good at it. It's a practice thing. They're motivated to be good at it because it's a lot more about getting you to the bedroom than down the aisle. Right. And so their focus is just a little bit different.

I agree. And I think that might be a tough pill for a lot of listeners to. To hear. So let's invert it as well in that the guys who show up on a first date and might be a little bit awkward might not make you laugh within the first five minutes. Those guys just might be a little bit out of practice. And if you actually get to know them as the relationship progresses or if you spend a little bit more time together, he gets more comfortable. Nine times out of 10, you're going to explore something about. You're going to find something about that guy that you're like, wow, I didn't see this. Just because their first impression might not be the strongest. And so just if you find yourself on a date with a shy guy or a guy who seems like he's out of practice, maybe he was married for 20 years, and he's divorced, and he's just on a date again. It's been a year. Give him a second date. That's it. Did I just jump? I think we have a part about that in this.

I was going to say you are setting up the second one perfectly perfect.

All right. Lead us. Lead us to it.

So they get them back. Let them go. The second way to do that is the sparkless. Good guy. Everything that Adam just described, right?

It's. It's.

It's okay. Like, you know, you go out with them, everything's fine. There's nothing wrong. It's just not exciting. It's just, you know, you had a nice time. You didn't have amazing time. It was nice.

He kept telling me he likes me. Ew. Ew. Ew.

He, like, mentioned he has feelings and, you know, he cries at commercials and like.

Or whatever.

Like, he just. There's certain qualities about him that's just like, I don't know, it's not exciting. He's not mysterious. He was very open with his feelings. Like, I know what he's thinking. Right? Or it's even the guy who just talks way too much. Right?

Right.

The guy talks way too much. And it's easy to be like, he's. He's too into himself. It's also, you know, just nervous. So he's just filling the air with his, you know, the topic he knows the best, which is himself. So he's just talking a lot because he's terrified of what the silence means. Right. And so those guys, they have some other things going for them that you may not recognize at first, particularly if you're a chemistry chaser, which is they have stability, they have reliability, they're dependable, they're. Yeah, they're a little boring. But for long term, some of those qualities are going to be really, really important. Right. And you have to remember, like, slow burns last longer. Right. Like these real quick exciting things, they, they tend to fizzle out. And so when you're thinking long term, you're thinking predictability, you're thinking stability, reliability, transparency, trust, respect, like all those things. And those qualities don't necessarily show up in the most exciting way early on. And so it's possible you had a date or two with somebody like that and you just, you moved on because it was like, I'm not feeling it, I'm not feeling that, like that connection. Those are the, those are the guys you give a second chance to. Not third.

All of them. Yeah. And not all of them, but like the guys that you think that there's an opportunity with. Yeah. Give them a second date, see where it goes, see what happens. Because I will tell you, when I used to coach men, I went deep into this topic and I learned everything I could possibly learn over like a five year period on how to build attraction with women, how to build desire. Because I was trying to coach these guys who weren't getting any results in their love life and they should have been because they're good guys and they're, they were actually, some of them were actually attractive, actually a decent majority and successful as well. And the crazy thing about building attraction with a woman is one of the most potent ways to do it is to be mysterious. To not, actually to not. I don't want to go so far as to say hot and cold because that's a little bit manipulative. I never taught that. But if I were to like teach manipulative tactics, it would definitely be be hot and cold because that is going to draw on a woman like crazy. And so knowing that, that the trigger that, and that may not be true for everyone, but generally speaking, my experience has shown in reality, one of the most potent ways to build attraction with a woman is to actually push and pull, like give a little bit, then take a little bit, not kind of keep her on her toes, knowing that as a woman perhaps we can recognize that the types of guys that do that are not going to be good for us. And so we have to almost in Some way think about overriding that initial intuition that we have about being just attracted to that mysterious guy who's really exciting that we're not really sure. And even open heart to the guys that, hey, they show up, they just are who they are. They might be a little bit boring, but on the first date. But on the second date, then he might say something kind of funny or like, oh, there's something there. And then he might touch you on your arm and be like, oh, I kind of felt something there. Before you know it, you're married. That's my speech.

Welcome to my TED Talk. You're married. Yeah.

This is my monologue of the day. I have this new mug, this Love Strategies mug, and it's making me drink just too much coffee.

Very jazzed up. But everything you just said, tons of psychology behind that and some of the most foundational psychology actually, in the sense that we know that when people get intermittent reinforcement, which is unpredictable reinforcement, it keeps them persisting longer. It's like a slot machine. You don't know every time you pull that, like some. You don't know when you're going to win. You know, it's possible. It's not likely, but it's possible. And you don't know when it's going to happen. And so the problem is we can end up looking for slot machine partners. You don't want a slot machine boyfriend. Right. Like that's. It's exciting. Right. Because you never know when you're going to get like the thing that you're really after. But again, long term relationships, you don't want that. You want predictable. You want.

I love. Okay, I was going to say you.

Just want good return on investment. Like you want to be able to put in your dollar and know that your dollar is safe and that maybe it's going to gain a little interest and turn into $2 over time. Like that's what you want. You want stability. Right.

So much more important compound interest, baby. I love this analogy. So much. Slot machine versus investing in the S and P. Yep. It's just, it's like one of those things. Yeah. You're going to get what, 8 to 10% return on a good year in the S and P slot machine. Sure, you could hit it big, but then you lose big constantly and over a long period of time. You always, always want to be in the S and P. Right. I think Warren Buffett, like the reason why he's so. He made like 90% of his wealth in the final 10 years of his life or Something like that. Because of just compound interest.

You know, his secret weapon, what I've. What I've heard about is patience.

Yeah, Patience.

And that's exactly true in relationships as well.

Yeah. Who is his partner who just died?

Charlie Munger.

Charlie Munger, yes. And I was actually just reading about this, that one of his sayings, I think is actually applicable to this while we're on the financial theme is that if the deal looks too complicated, I always pass in that, like, he looks for simple and easy and understandable. And I think the same thing goes with. With dating. Like, if it's feels very complicated and unclear and like muddied water and all that stuff. Pass.

Right.

You know, sorry about that. Yeah. Just pass and find the simplicity, find the simple deals, find the simple relationships.

I think it's Warren Buffett that says, never invest in a company you don't understand.

Right.

Same thing. Same. Same exact principle. And so I think, you know, with these guys that start off a little slow, you know, maybe you next to them and, you know, maybe they come back, but every once in a while, it's okay to go back to them as well. And I literally just had this question last night on a MA on one of our masterminds, is, is it okay to go back to a guy? Because this woman joined our program in September, and she said, you know, I was making all kinds of mistakes back then, and even now, she's like, I've learned so much. And I keep thinking about this one guy who I think, like, I missed it. Like, I. There were things there that I missed at the time. Is it okay for me to go back to see if he's still around and available or is like, once he's gone, is he gone? And I was like, this is the time. This is the exact way to do it. You've grown as a person. You kind of reflect and you look back and you realize, man, I. I missed something really great there. Like, I just wasn't able to see it because I didn't know enough about what the right things were to look for, and so I missed it. And so there. That's when you circle back and see if there's some, you know, undiscovered treasure that maybe you missed along the way.

Yeah. And even just leading with what you just said, like, being honest about it, be like, look, I've grown a lot. When you go back, like, obviously you wouldn't say this in your text message to them, but when you see them the next time, be like, look, you know, I've grown a lot over the last few months and really explored what it is I want. I feel like I really miss an opportunity here and I would love to just see where this goes and just kind of lead with honesty there and that, that happens a lot when our clients join and they get to what we call little love step number two, where they create a love vision. And this love vision is a process of kind of really taking our needs and our wants are basically checklists of what we want in a guy and whittling it down to a very clear vision for your life. And what happens is people go through that process. They very quickly. Next a lot of guys and are like, whoa, getting these guys out of my life. They also will go back into their, their history and back. Hmm. There was actually a couple guys there that I were really stand up guys that I just overlooked because they weren't giving me, you know, the warm and fuzzies right off the bat. But I think that there's actually something there and that happens a lot. And then they'll re engage and they'll be in a relationship with that guy and it's great.

Yeah. And I mean that's definitely the one way that, that's like the textbook best way to go back. Right. We keep talking about, you know, should you just kind of let it go or, or try to get them back. I mean, I think that's a time when it's, you know, I've grown, I've learned, I might have overlooked some really good things. And I'm going to missed it the first time, but I'm not going to miss it the second time. And I think that's a really nice.

Way to do it.

I have one other bonus thing. I don't know. Do we have time? You want to? You want to?

Let's do it, baby. I'm not going to. I'm not going to take away a bonus from everybody. Let's do it.

I wasn't sure where this fit, but it seems like it fits in here somewhere. And it's just like, I think it's really, really important. And this came up with, you know, holidays and special events and things. It's like, I think you have to beware of the boomerang boyfriend. And the boomerang boyfriend is the guy that like, you got rid of him for a good reason. Like things weren't going. You didn't see a future. Things weren't going very well. You established a boundary. Like, hey, I'm not going to give you the girlfriend experience unless we're actually committed. Like, I'm not going to have sex with you unless we're actually a committed couple. And he was like, yeah, sorry, I'm not interested. And then he goes away. Now, these boomerang boyfriend guys, for whatever reason you let them go, they tend to come back. They come back. You give it like a couple weeks, couple months, they come back. And they especially come back, turns out around the new year, apparently, major holidays, they'll come back. But really, those guys, when they come back, nothing's changed. Chances are. Chances are nothing changed. What they're trying to do is. Is wait you out to see if you've lowered your standards.

Yep.

And don't. Definitely don't. Don't lower your standards. Say this all the time. Don't lower your standards. Increase your patience.

Ooh, I like that. The boomerang boyfriend. They always come back. And that happens a lot for our new clients. One crazy thing is, I swear, it's like I could. You can almost set your watch to it, but it's usually about three weeks into working with us when there's a lot of boomerang boyfriends because they have these, like, spidey senses that they're going to lose you for good. It's like, it. It's like these little things that just go off and like, oh, my God, I'm going to lose her if I don't actually get her back right now. Because she seems to be moving on with her life, and she seems to be doing really well. I gotta hit her with a boomerang. Let's do it. Let's get her back. And so that is a. A common theme. And luckily, our clients at that point are well equipped enough to know that these guys are not in their best interests. No, no, no.

And when they come back, the attitude is, too bad. So sad. You missed your chance.

Yeah.

Like, they're not coming back for the right reasons. And so you have to see for what is. And the problem is they might have. You might have gotten rid of them. They might have ghosted you. And so maybe you spent time trying to get over them and wondering, like, and hoping and all this stuff. So when they come back, there's lots like, is this it? Is this the ch. No. Because again, remember, they gave you closure before when they left. They gave you closure when they ghosted. And so that's. That holds. Nothing has changed. Right. And so stay strong. Stay away. Too bad. So sad.

That was fun, Gary. Thank you so much. Hope you all enjoyed that. And yeah, Janelle, I hope you found someone yourself as well. If you're listening to this, um, so if you haven't, shoot me a text. I got your back. All right, so now we're at the end of the podcast, and hopefully you got a lot of really great information from this podcast. But as we know, information can only take you so far. It's time to take some action. So what I recommend you do now is head on over to loveapply.com it's going to walk you through a series of questions, and then you'll be able to book what we call a complimentary love strategy session. Yes, you've heard it. Someone on my team is going to get on a phone call with you, be able to understand your situation, what it is that you're struggling with in your love life, and create that strategy to help you attract that man, that relationship you truly deserve. So take that action. Go make it happen. We cannot wait to speak with you, Love apply dot com. And yeah, let's help you create that love life you truly deserve. All right, speak soon.

Bye. Bye.