The Real Reasons Why You're Still Single

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The number one reason that I think that this happens is it's like when people say their picker's broken, it's actually they're not using a picker at all. What they're doing to pick or select guys is waiting just to see which guy likes them. And that's a really bad way to go about it because it's non discerning. Like you're, you're offering no kind of ability to put onto that thought process what it is you really want. It's all based on what he really wants. And you seeing like, can I make this work? Yeah, I guess I can.

All right, today's podcast is all about the real reasons why you are still single. And Gary, you created this headline and I gotta say, like, I could imagine how many women have heard those words come from someone's lips like, oh, this is the real reason why you're still single. And they're just like, shut up, just shut up. Right? I don't want to hear anything else you have to say. But luckily in podcast land, we can, we can say that because we're not just directing it towards you, we're directing it towards a lot of the women that we worked with and seen in the past. So hopefully you can all get something from this, from all the patterns that we've seen in the past.

I think women, when, when you hear this, it's usually from like your sister, a well intentioned co worker, maybe worst case scenario, it's your mom, right? They say, you know why you're single. Here's the difference. We're, we're going to explain some of those reasons, but actually gave you some strategies to help with it to make it better. And you know, just by better understanding some of these reasons, it's going to help you no longer be single. So we're not just going to like complain and nag you, we're actually going to help.

Well, we're here to solve a problem. I mean, if you're single and you're listening right now, you probably don't want to be single for the foreseeable future. It's not to say that there's nothing, that there's something wrong with being single, but, you know, if you're listening to this, you're really focused on your love life and there is an end goal of being in that healthy, long lasting relationship. But maybe you're really trying, you're trying to get out there and it's just not quite working. And maybe you're just starting to feel like you're out of options or worse. Right, Gary, we've heard this. You feel like you'll be single for the rest of your life, like you're going to die alone and no one will be there with you and take your final breath on this earth all alone. So we certainly don't want to get too dramatic here. We don't want you to feel that way and that's what we're going to be diving into.

Yeah, and I think there's a really important thing to say here, which is, you know, the goal of life isn't just to have any old relationship, it's to have the right relationship. So it's not necessarily to not be single, but it's to find the right person to share your amazing life with. And so that's the kind of no longer being single we're talking about here. It's not just like single sucks. It's not like single by itself is categorically wrong. It's that we are looking for something in our life, somebody in our life, to share all this amazing stuff that's going on with.

And so I like to say, like the cherry on top of life. Right? You know, it's you. You can create an amazing life by yourself. Being single, I think that's amazing, but it's just that extra. It's more like the frosting on the cake. It's like, oh, you can still have cake without frosting, but man, when there's frosting.

Love it.

I'm into holiday season right now.

Like somebody's been hitting the holiday dessert tray, huh?

Oh, absolutely. All right, so lead us into it, Gary.

Yeah. So what I think is really important about when you say the real reasons why you're still single is there's a lot of issues that go on in our dating life that seem like that's the problem, but aren't actually the problem. And so I'm calling these are shadow or decoy issues. It's the things that we're identifying as the problem that actually aren't. And so really, at the end of the day, what this is, it's misplaced blame that's redirecting your attention away from the real problem and giving you like, fake, false, superficial problems to deal with. And how does this happen? So this, we end up on these shadow decoy issues because we like to be right. And so when we think something is the problem, we seek out confirmation of that. Right. We've talked about confirmation bias before on the podcast. That's a, that's a big way that that happens. Another way that it happens is you'll say, here's the problem that I think I'm having. And your friends who are also all well intentioned, like, yes, that's it, you're so right, that is absolutely the problem. And then you walk away thinking like, yep, I'm correct. And now you become more and more entrenched in these mistaken beliefs. And so these things can be sticky, they can be stubborn. And so we're here to help help you get rid of those.

And honestly, I think one step even further on that. I'm thinking a lot about the future 2024, where all of this, and one thing with confirmation bias in particular comes in, is with the Internet. So if you have this belief system, and we'll get to this one, that men are all the problem. Just Google men are the problem. I've never done it, but you could just imagine what confirmation and just like, oh my God, you're so great. Everything is great. Men are the issue, all the statistics, whatever it is that you want, whatever it is that you want to find that confirms your existing belief. Oh, it exists on the Internet. And let's get ready for an upcoming election season where people are having that type of thing in other areas as well. So I think the Internet also really leads people astray. And we just need to be super cautious of allowing ourselves to go down that rabbit hole and only seek information that confirms our preexisting beliefs. Because it feels good. It feels good when you're confirmed, like, oh, I'm right. Yeah. So that's what I think we're going to do, is maybe make people feel a little bit differently coming out of this, but it'll actually be useful. Yeah.

And that's what happens. Right. I mean, we talk all the time about how growth happens, you know, just outside of your comfort zone. And so these beliefs are wrong, but they're stubborn. And they're stubborn because they make us feel good in the sense that we feel as if we're really disentangling what's going on. We get to play little armchair psychologist. A lot of times, the beliefs that are decoy or shadow issues put the blame elsewhere, and we externalize the blame. And so we, you know, like you kind of alluded to, we can blame all men. Men are all the problem. It's like, maybe they are, maybe they aren't. But you don't control all men. You do have some control over yourself. And so that's the strategy behind a lot of this mindset shifting is let's get out with those decoy things and see what's really going on.

Well, I'll tell you why all men aren't the problem is because anytime you. Anytime in anything in life, you say all blank are the problem, you're wrong.

Yep.

Because it just. It simplifies something to a degree that could not possibly exist in this very complex universe. And clearly, all men are not. I don't think we're the problem, are we, Gary? You're the problem, dude.

I might be. I know you're not. I may, in fact be the singular problem.

Definitely. Definitely not. You are the solution. So let's dive into some of these decoy issues.

Okay, so the first one, and I start off with this one intentionally, is that the first decoy or shadow issue that I think is out there is dating. Success is all about looks. Guys only want to date models. Okay. Right. It feels like that. It's superficial. We get to see appearance, and it's an oversimplification because not all guys are like this. There are certainly other things going on. And here's the way that I always kind of disabuse people of this one, is that if you walk into a room full of 100 guys, all who are like nine or tens of, you're not going to be attracted to every single one of them, are you? It's impossible. So clearly, there's more than just physical appearance that drives attraction, and that's the side you have to lean into. That's the side you can't just say, oh, well, I was born with brown hair. You know, guys just don't like brown hair. It's like it's wrong and it's counterproductive because it's something you can't easily change.

Yeah. Well, I'll tell you this. God, this is almost 15 years ago, but before I started Love Strategies, I was actually a dating coach for men, helping men get out there and track love. And we would host these kind of like, Group sessions. And we would all go out together as a group, like five or six guys. They would hire me for a weekend and I would help them on their body language and how to meet men with confidence. And no, we weren't like picking up women. It wasn't anything like that. I was taking guys, the good guys, and helping them meet women. And what I will say is some of these guys were very attractive. Some of these guys, not so physically attractive. But when we would walk into a room, I would say, who are you interested in? And it was wild. Like, the short guy would be looking at like the tall six foot blonde woman, be like, I like her. And then like the big burly guy would look at like some other woman who might be, you know, slightly overweight back. Oh, I want that. And then another guy would be like, oh, I really like older women. I want that. It was crazy. Like there was almost no overlap. It there really, it was, it was actually mind boggling because to me, when I walked into him, I would scan the room because I was single at the time. I'm like, oh, everyone's gonna want that. I like her. It just, it just never worked out that way. It's, it's wild. So, you know, there's just this idea I think a lot of women have that like there are these even tens, nines, eights. It doesn't even exist. It really doesn't when you actually break it down guy by guy, you know.

Right. Because people are all different. And this is the benefit that we have. And this is. Sometimes I feel like we're at a real advantage because we're not just dealing with our own views. We get to understand the views of hundreds and thousands of people. Right through research or through clients. I mean, we have such this broad experience of understanding how big picture people operate. And big picture people operate not as superficially as some may think. When you're just focusing on yourself, you just kind of think like, oh, everybody thinks like me. Everybody's going to want the same person. I want, I care about attractiveness, so everyone's going to care about that. And that's just not how the world works. What I really like about getting rid of this decoy issue is it's very empowering because if you're just locked into the guys only want this one thing and you feel like that's not you, that can be very disempowering. And this is basically saying, no, use your other facility. Like use your personality, use your charm. What I, I think is the most important thing Is be warm, be approachable, be kind, right? That is super, super attractive.

And it's all just totally within your control, right? It's like, play your best game. You got. You've got certain assets that other people don't have. Lean into those things. And I will say that, like, once you rid yourself of this belief and you truly, on a deep level, believe that you are attractive and that you deserve an incredible guy, and you look in the mirror and you're like, damn, oh, my God, my hips, they look good. Or, oh, my God, I look beautiful. At this age, even if you have to fake it a little bit, and I've had to do it over the years. You kind of fake it. You kind of. You keep reinforcing this message that I got this. It's totally within my control. Suddenly, that radiates out there to men. Like, men can sense when they meet a woman who is very insecure about their age, their looks, their body type, what you name it, their clothing. People can read that. Whereas if you're just like, own it. You're like, I got this. I'm in the best. Like, some of our older clients, like, clients who are in their 60s and 70s, and we have quite a few of them, those clients, when they reframe their belief that, like, finding love in my 60s and 70s is a bad thing, if they reframe that into, actually, this is the best time of my life to attract the relationship I deserve, because I know myself, I have radiant, radiant feminine energy. I can practice a youthful mindset. If they can reframe it that way, they are at the top of their game. They are the most attractive of anyone in that particular cohort. It's just incredible. So that ownership is so empowering. And I just think the people who try to be like, oh, you need to lose weight or all these things, or you need to look different. Men don't like that. Screw them. They don't know what they're talking about. They don't know what they're talking about, and they're wrong. And it's hurting. Your confidence, is killing you. Are you tired of committing your heart to a man who only just pulls away? Well, if so, we have a very special presentation that's available to our podcast listeners. It's at a special link. It's called he commits.com and it's going to walk you through the five secret strategies that make men commit. Head on over to he commits.com. it's only available for short period of time. I think you're going to like it a lot. All right, back to the podcast.

Well, what it all boils down to is attractiveness isn't just one trait. Some. And that's the mistake people think, oh, attractiveness is either you have it or you don't. It's not that simple. It's not an on or off switch. Attractiveness is a constellation of hundreds of factors all combined into one. So newsflash, we're all not going to have all 100 plus of those things going in our favor at all times. I certainly do not. But there are certain things that every one of us has that are really, really outstanding. And you have to learn to identify and lean into those traits. I would just, you know, one last thing to say about this. We talked a lot about physical attractiveness. All the same things we just said about physical attractiveness all apply to age as well. Right? And you kind of alluded to it. Sometimes people get stuck in this mindset of like, you know, I'm just too old, I'm just too old, and that.

My time has gone, it's over.

And you and I both know that that sentence, I'm just too old, we. I've heard it from a 29 year old, I've heard it from a 41 year old. I've heard it from an 82 year old. But I've also heard everybody of those exact same ages say, I'm not old. I like, I am so full of energy. I need to find guys who aren't as old as me. Like, it's completely how you look at the world and your mindset that I.

Bet there are seniors in college because you're a professor who will say, oh, I'm too old. Oh, all the guys just want the freshman girls. It's like, oh, please, 100% true. 100%. Yeah, it's all relative. I, I, and I will just say on the age thing, I once spoke to a woman who's in her mid-90s who wanted to be a part of Love Accelerator. And she was telling me about World War II, like growing up, issues from London, the bombings. And I will tell you, she, she didn't join because I didn't recommend it for her because she didn't want a relationship. She just wanted to have lots of casual sex. And I was like, you go girl. And she was doing that. She was getting all of these guys. She's like, it's the best time of my life. And it was like I stayed on the conversation for like an hour because I was so fascinated by this. She was teaching me. But, like. Like, oh, my God. Just like a fling she had when she was, like, 15 and the bombs were dropping and all this stuff. I'm like, this is crazy. Just to say. Just to say random, weird story I didn't plan on telling during this, that at any age, with the right mindset, you can absolutely attract the right type of relationship. It's just amazing.

Well, I mean, good. Good for her. Good for.

Good for her. That's what I was saying. I'm like, I don't want to change. She was giving me, like, life advice. I'm like, what should I do with my life? What should I think about? What am I missing? So, all right, lead us to number two, Gary.

All right, so the second decoy issue is this belief that a lot of people have. This is, there are no men where I live. There are no men what I do for my job in my career. There are no men in my whole area, in my country and whatever. Like, there's just no men anywhere. And obviously, this can feel very, very true, but isn't actually true. And I always kind of draw this parallel to. It's as if, you know, when your wife says, go look for. Go grab this jar of tomato sauce from the kitchen. And you go in there, and you're like, it's not here. She's like, it's absolutely there. And you're like, it's not here. She's like, it's absolutely there. Where are you looking? And you're just looking in the wrong cabinet. You're looking in the wrong place, or you're looking in the wrong way. And it's the same for anything you're looking for, including the men in your life. You're just not following a great strategy.

Or maybe you think the tomato sauce would have a red label, but it turns out it actually has a black label or a green label or whatever the label. And you're just like, I don't see it. Quick scan. Nothing's here. Moving on. You know what I'm saying?

And it's right in front of you.

It's literally right in front of you. And so I. I do think that this one in particular, a lot of people are going to tune out at this very moment because they're like, no, they're truly. In my scenario, there are no. No good men. And I will just say, we've done this for a long time. I've had clients who want to move, and if they want to move for other reasons, that's great, that's fine. But I've had clients who live in San Francisco who are like, oh, I'm moving to LA because that's where all the men are. I've had clients who are in LA who are like, I'm moving to San Francisco because that's where all the men are. And I have one in San Francisco is like, I'm going to Austin. And it's just like, stop the madness here. Stop the madness. And then they will have the Gyles to then tell me about two or three guys that they're talking to who are amazing, amazing guys, but for whatever reason hasn't yet worked out. And. And then we work on those situations. Obviously, I dive in at that point. I'm like, well, you've clearly met some good guys, so there's more of them. When there's one, there's many, you know, And. And so it's just, we cannot allow this to be the point or the reason why we stay at home on a Saturday night eating that delicious Ben and Jerry's, watching Netflix. We just can't. It can't be that we can't allow that to exist. It's just completely debilitating. Yeah.

And so this is such a big decoy issue that I wanted to give three very specific solutions to dealing with this, which is when you feel like there's no men. Number one, you got to look in different places, wherever you're looking. If it would have worked, it would have worked by now. Stop looking in those same places. Like it's the definition of insanity to keep doing the same thing and hoping for a different outcome.

Right?

So you got to look in different places. Number two, you have to widen your filter. It's like you just said about the red label and the black label and like, what you think you're looking for, like, you have a picture of it in your mind and maybe you're picturing the wrong thing.

Right?

So be more open minded, purposefully. Everybody has a type, right? If you're sitting here listening to this, you have a certain type that you've been going for. Go. Go against type. Just give it a try. What's the worst that could happen? You end up right back where you.

Two dates. Yeah, give it two dates. Not just one date. Give it two dates. All right.

Yeah, just a little bit, right? That. That's just why we're not saying, go date somebody who would never. It's like, no, no, branch out. Right? We just said at the top of this, outside of your comfort zone. That's where growth happens. Step outside of your comfort zone a little bit. You're going to be. I promise. You're going to be surprised. Promise. The last thing is use your resources. So, you know, maybe this is a friend, maybe it's a family member. One of the things we offer our clients is what we call an online profile makeover. And we just had a client last week when I. When I wrote this script up, which made me think of this, she was complaining, live in the middle of nowhere. No guys who. Hopeless, helpless. This is terrible. What am I going to do? She said, you know what I did? I took your advice. And through our. Through love accelerator, we offer people a chance to submit their profile, their online dating profile to our coaches. And they basically go through it and fix all the mistakes and, like, liven it up and show you certain ways to craft that profile, adjust your pictures. And, you know, she said, oh, my gosh, Gary, I've been bombarded. It was like someone turned on a fire hose, and it's now, is that going to happen 100 of the time? And, like, maybe, maybe not. But it's. It just goes to show, if you want something different, you have to do something different. And that's the key.

Yeah, you got to isolate the problem. And online dating, you got to think of it as marketing a product. You, my beautiful ladies, are the product. If the marketing sucks, even if the product's good, it ain't happening. So a lot of this is really that positioning. And it's pretty wild how, you know, companies see this all the time. They might have the best product in the world, but they're not getting any customers. You change the marketing angle, they blow up. And so that's definitely one amazing strategy. But, you know, again, speaking broadly, you just need to identify where the problem really exists. Where are you actually spending your time? A lot of times, you're spending your time at home, right, Reading a book, doing nothing, or watching videos like this, which I welcome. But I would much more welcome you getting out there and actually talking to guys very, very rarely. I would say it's about 3% of the time do we hear it from clients where they actually follow all of our strategies. They actually make these changes, get out there, and then realize that there are no good guys. The only time I can actually think of would be this one woman who lived in Alaska. And I'm telling you, it was like population 100. And I still had her do these things. And she did end up finding love. She just really had to expand her geographic area. Barring that for the 99% of you who don't live in Alaska guaranteed they exist. And fight that urge right now where you're like, oh, no, in my area there are. It really is different. Just fight that urge. Accept it. Just accept it. Receive it right now well.

And if you're really stuck in this idea of saying, you know, my situation is different, okay, maybe it is. But how is it the same as all the other people in the world who are successful? And that's the question. A lot of times people just don't bother asking themselves because that second question is a lot more intimidating because now it starts to make it that, wow, I really do have to make some changes because you will have different things in your situation. But there's a ton that's similar to other people that are having success. So how can you leverage their success in your current situation? Because you can. You just have to be willing to open your mind and think about those things right now.

The third one I think is especially troubling because it is weirdly taking ownership of the problem, but kind of in a toxic way. And that is when people say, my picker is broken. My pick, my. My guy picker. Oh my God, it's just completely broken. As if it's like this actual thing. Like as if there is literally a tool where we're picking people and it like leads you. Like you have no control. No, it's broken crack. For those of you watching on YouTube, you get it. But it, this one is particular, particularly troubling. What do you think, G?

Yeah, it can feel like this, right? And it's perfectly understandable. Like you're constantly ending up with the wrong guy, mistake after mistake. And after a little while, you start to feel like you almost can't trust yourself. It's. You don't know what you're doing wrong and you just keep ending up in these bad relationships. And so the real issue here is we talk about strategy a lot. Most often the issue with having a bad picker, so to speak, is that you're just not using any strategy. The number one reason that I think that this happens is it's like one, when people say their picker's broken, it's actually they're not using a picker at all. What they're doing to pick or select guys is waiting just to see which guy likes them. And that's a really bad way to go about it because it's non discerning, like you're, you're offering no kind of ability to put onto that thought process what it is you really want. It's all based on what he really wants. And you seeing like, can I make this work? Yeah, I guess I can.

Yeah.

We need to stop leaving things to fate like that.

Well, I think that this happens as well when people follow their heart a little too much. When like, look, if I followed my heart and followed my emotional impulses when it came to the food I eat, my picker would be like Sour Patch Kids pasta pizza every single night. That is my picker and it's broken. Okay? Now the good news is I can change that picker with a little bit of logic, right? I can look at that if my picker goes to that Sour Patch Kids when I'm at cvs, like this morning I was at the convenience store and I'm like, oh my God, that would be so good right now. But then I'm like, no, I have a podcast with Gary. I gotta, I gotta feel good. I'll come on and I'll be like, yeah, hey, Gary. Yeah, my insulin is spiked. This podcast sucks. My life sucks. My picker is broken. No, I just like look at that and be like, no, that's bad for me. That's not going to be good for me. That's not good for my long term results. And so a lot of what we do is help people think 10, 20, 30 years down line with what we call a love vision. That's a little love. Step number two. And start thinking about what actually serves them, not just in the short term, by following your heart. And it feels so right, feels so good. He's so sexy, so good in bed. No, the real ultimate, healthy picker is thinking pick is choosing someone who's going to serve you 30 years down the line or beyond.

Yeah, I mean, leaving your relationship to fate sounds really, really romantic. But realistically, when you're doing that, what you're leaving it to is the guy. You're leaving it to the guy to decide if he likes you. You're leaving to the guidance to like motivate things and move things forward. And when you leave it up to the guy, it's going to be based more on physical intimacy and less on emotional intimacy likely. So it might be amazing for the short term, but it's not going to have that long lasting, fulfilling nature that you're really looking for. And so you can't. If you, if you, the only time you get to say your picker is broken is if you have really sat down and thought intentionally, strategically, objectively about what it is you're looking for and mapped out a plan about how you're going to get there. If you've done all those things and you're ending up with a bad result, maybe your picker is flawed. We'll say. We'll say broken. We'll say flawed and needs a revision, and that's fine. But, like, that's the only time that this part, this. This thing is true. Because most of the time, it's really just that you're not using any strategy at all.

I. I don't want to say that because pickers aren't a thing. I don't even want to, like, lean into that. We both know there is no picker other than you. What's that?

Other than yourself. You are the picker.

I guess you are the chooser. Yeah, I. I guess I just. The idea that you could be broken, and I know you. You corrected yourself. It's just such a silly thing to me. It's just like, we need to be looking for different things. And when people. I've just heard people say, oh, my picker's broke. And that's why I keep doing all this. It's like, talk about just such a disempowering way of thinking. Oh, because if your picker is broken, it's broken. Excuse my language. Like, there's no. It's no coming back from there. And so, yeah, let's remove that from our vocabulary, because our vocabulary is what defines our reality and it defines our thinking, and that is a mental model that we all need to break.

Speaking of mental model, I can't help myself. The. The mental model of saying a picker. The. The thing that rubs me really the wrong way is it's very deterministic. It's as if you're born with a good one or a bad one, and you're just like, this is my life now. I either have this good one or bad one. And that's not how almost anything works in life. It's. Relationships are a skill, a highly underdeveloped skill for most people. But everything about relationships, it's a skill you can build, you can learn, you can improve, and that's the right way to think about things.

Yeah. I mean, think about your picker. When you're in middle school, that probably was broken. Okay. But I was like, oh, my God, she also likes to skateboard. That's cool. And like, I don't know. My picker was like, oh, my God, she laughed at one of my jokes. Like, that's your picker. Back then, clearly the picker has changed if we're still working on this picker thing. So it's something that you can change, something you can grow. And. Yeah, I. I love that. So, Gary, take us to the next one, man.

So the next shadow or decoy issue that isn't actually really the issue is this belief that a lot of people have, which is guys are all emotionally unavailable.

Yeah. Yeah.

And the problem with thinking like this is it's not all or nothing. It's a matter of degree. And a lot of it is some guys are emotionally available. Absolutely. All guys. Again, like you said earlier, every time you say all, you're wrong. But if you want your guy, somebody you're dating, someone you're just starting to talk to, to be more emotionally available, and that's how you really want to think about it is how emotionally available are you being? Because a lot of times guys will take their cues in these exchanges from you. And it's something I say a lot in our relationship Synergy program, which is give what you want to get. And so you, as the woman in the exchange, can very easily take the lead and show some emotional vulnerability, have some emotional exposure, and encourage him to reciprocate it in kind.

I love that. I think that that's amazing. And to draft off your. Your first point as well, it is such a spectrum for men, like the vat, when it comes to being emotionally available and ready for a relationship. You know, I'm going to use those kind of similarly, because most guys, vast majority of them date in a way, which is, I want to get out there, meet the right type of girl, and when she comes around, of course I'm open to a relationship. Like, there were certain stages in my life where I would be on the spectrum, like a zero, like a one out of a hundred on emotionally available. But even still, if the right person came around, that changes pretty quickly. You know what I'm saying? It's not this thing that you get like a tattoo on your body that goes away after three years where you're like, I am completely emotionally shut down now. Do people. Do people. Some people have actual emotional ability, a lack of ability to emotionally connect? Are some guys even on the spectrum? Of course, like, there. That does exist, but when it comes to guys being ready for a relationship, it's not like this binary 0 or 1 thing at all.

And.

And honestly, the craziest thing of all this is when guys are a hundred out of a hundred on wanting a relationship. Usually that's a turnoff to a lot of women because Then they're like, oh, he's just needy.

He shares too much. He talked for hours about his life and all of his feelings, and it's.

Like, ew, I'm not interested. And, like, it's so funny when, as a guy, like, when you do get to a point where, like, yeah, God, I'm so sick of this whole dating thing. I. I want a girlfriend. I'm ready for a girlfriend. You kind of go out with, like, this just, like, a little bit extra neediness that actually turns off a lot of women. So actually, as a guy, you kind of want to get back to about a 60% of the spectrum. Honestly, that is what does keep women. Like. It's. It's. It's the right type of engage. If I had to put a number on it, which. These numbers don't really exist. You know, hopefully I'm explaining that point correctly.

So, you know, I would just kind of sum that up to say, if you're looking for men to be more emotionally available, be a little bit emotionally available yourself. You obviously don't. Not being a complete open book.

Right.

You got to pace yourself on how much you're sharing, all that kind of thing. Okay. Of course, the other side, which Adam brought up, too, is be a safe place for him to share. And it's like, when guys feel safe, they feel like they're going to be heard, and they feel like they're going to be validated and not judged for being vulnerable, and that's important. They're much more likely to open up.

Yeah, I agree. I agree. Nothing else to be said there. So why don't we go to the final one, which is the ultimate thing that we're. I think we're going to be talking a lot about in 2024, is that so many guys, if not all guys, are complete narcissists. What do you think, G. Yeah.

2024, year of the narcissist. What do you think? Right. Like, it seems like it's shaping up that way. I. I think, first of all, careful with the quick diagnoses. Right?

Like, we.

We call a lot of very innocent behavior narcissistic these days. And I. That's definitely counterproductive. So, you know, I've heard from clients say, you know, they had a first meetup with a guy and they were talking, and, you know, he talked a lot about himself, so he's probably a narcissist. I'm like, well, no, he probably just met you, and he thinks that that's what he's supposed to Be doing right. And so you want to be careful not to be so quick to be like, this guy's a narcissist. He showed up looking really good for the first date. He's probably too into his appearance. He might be a narcissist. It's like, wait a second. That's the role. Like, that's what you're supposed to do on first dates. Like, you're supposed to look good and you're supposed to talk about yourself, get to know each other. Right. If he never asks you a question now, we can start thinking maybe he might be a little into himself too much. But be careful about over diagnosing this.

The label in particular is the one that really kills me, you know? And look, there are a certain percentage of people who are clinical narcissists. I. Last time I looked, I think it's like 3 to 5%, you know, depending on what scale you're looking at. Vast majority of people are not. Now is like, society becoming more narcissistic with social media and stuff like that. Yeah, I actually just joined a gym. Like a. I've been doing CrossFit for 10 years. I'm like, I'm gonna join, like, a normal gym and see how this goes. And, you know, it's the weirdest thing. This is a side tangent, but one thing I'm really noticing a lot of is how many people take pictures of themselves. Guys in the. Women as well, out in the gym area, they take pictures of themselves flexing. And then in the locker room, this happened, like, four different guys, shirts off, taking pictures of themselves flexing. I'm like, what world am I? How is this normal? And no shame. Like, not trying to hide. Like, if I was trying to do that, I would be hiding so much. It was. It kind of like, blew my mind.

So welcome to the world of gyms. Adam. This is. It's been like this for a little while.

CrossFit doesn't even have mirrors. Like, they. They're like, anti that stuff. That's like, okay, the whole thing with CrossFit, but I want to get big arms, so does that call me?

See, I thought this whole time maybe it was just a New Jersey thing, but, yeah, there's a lot of video. There's a lot of picture taking, and there's a lot of videoing. It's like taking video of yourself doing, like, all your reps. I. I've always wondered exactly what that's for.

Well, I think people in CrossFit, people do that for better form. I don't know if they're doing that to post on social media, but I don't know, man. Long story short, it's, it's. There's just no shame these days from men or from women. And so that was a total side tangent, if anything, that actually kind of like goes against our point, but to our original point, a very small percentage of people are actually true narcissists. And when you do go on a date, if a guy's talking a lot about himself on a first date, just remember most guys don't know what they're doing. Vast majority of them, if he's been, if he's been married for 10 years, he's back on the dating scene trying to figure things out. Or worse. He was married for 30 years, now he's a, you know, a widower. Like, he's gonna be clueless. He's gonna go on a date, just talk about himself and so give a little bit of latitude there, you know.

Yeah. The one thing I would say about this, and as a decoy issue, you can think and actually see a lot of narcissists in the world, particularly if. And the research shows that this is true if you're narcissistic yourself or you have narcissistic tendencies. Right. And this kind of blew my mind and you know, I actually have a student doing a thesis on this this semester is this idea that people who have more narcissistic tendencies tend to be more attracted to narcissists. And so it makes a lot of sense when you think about it. It's like if you're in a status and how people look at you and just kind of like having being part of that power couple, so to speak, then you're going to want someone else who has some of those same qualities and some of those same values. And so it's one of those check in with yourself moments where if you're noticing like, oh man, all these guys, they're all so narcissistic, like, well, how are they the ones that are ending up continually in your orbit? Like, how are those the ones that are kind of getting into your field of vision? And is there something about how you're prioritizing certain traits over others that's leading to this outcome?

Dude, that just blew my mind. I feel like we need to just end there because that is like a mic drop moment for I bet a decent amount of people. Not to say everyone is. If you are finding yourself with a lot of narcissists, it doesn't make you a narcissist but perhaps we are drawn to that narcissistic behavior because it appeals to a certain part of. We all have narcissistic tendencies in some way, shape or form. Form. I mean, all of us have egos. And so just taking a look at what is it that we're actually drawn to about these types of guys, man, I got nothing to add on that. That is a mic drop moment.

I would just. One last thing is that I think what's really important about these shadow decoy issues is that they really are things that are all in your head that are holding you back. Right? There's like, this meme that goes around from time to time where it's like a horse or an elephant with, like, a string tied to a lawn chair, and they're just sitting there like, gosh, I'm stuck, right? And it says, you know, the caption is something along the lines of, like, sometimes the thing that's holding you back is all in your head. And that's exactly, to me, what these shadow and decoy issues are. It's. You're. You're tied to nothing, and, like, you're holding yourself back for absolutely no reason. So step one's identifying the issue. So hopefully this podcast helped a little bit with that and then some of the strategies we shared to overcome these, and hopefully you can get out there and get moving.

Thank you, Gary. That was awesome, man. Appreciate it.

Thanks, Adam.

All right, so now we're at the end of the podcast, and hopefully you got a lot of really great information from this podcast. But as we know, information can only take you so far. It's time to take some action. So what I recommend you do now is head on over to loveapply.com it's going to walk you through a series of questions, and then you'll be able to book what we call a complimentary love strategy session. Yes, you've heard it. Someone on my team is going to get on a phone call with you, be able to understand your situation, what it is that you're struggling with in your love life, and create that strategy to help you attract that man, that relationship you truly deserve. So take that action. Go make it happen. We cannot wait to speak with you, Love apply dot com. And yeah, let's help you create that love life you truly deserve. All right, speak soon. Bye. Bye.