The Science of Flirting: 7 Ways to Flirt With Confidence

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Showing sincere interest, being responsive, being a good listener. Partners are going to find that very attractive. So you don't often think of just being a good listener and having a good conversation as being a form of flirting, but it's definitely part of the flirting experience where it's like, if you're going to generate this interest in the other person, you're going to want to have a conversation. And so you want that to go well, right? It's not just about attracting the interest. It's like, what do you do once you capture the interest to really bring it home.

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy.

Hi, everybody. Welcome to another episode of the Love Strategies podcast. I'm your host for today, Dr. Gary Lewandowski. I'm the chief love scientist at Love Strategies and we get to talk some serious science today because we are going to talk today about the science of flirting. Not, you know, and it's going to be a lot of science in there, but it's not going to be so crazy, ridiculous science. It's going to be the kind of science you can use. Specifically, we're going to talk about seven ways to help you flirt more confidently and more successfully. And of course, all of it backed by science. And so, as you all know, if you're single, meeting people can, can be really hard. We hope that the super attractive people that we want to talk to will just find their way to us. Those, they'll come over, they'll, they're just going to find us amazing. And you're Going to have just this super simple, enthralling, deep conversation with just the cutest, cutest guy you've ever met, right? If only it was that easy, right? It's really not that easy all the time because I think for a lot of people, and I know a lot of our clients feel it, feel this way is you just feel like you're not very good at this. You're not just, you're not a natural flirt. Now some people are, some people are, but it's just not you naturally. At least not all the time, right? Because when you go to flirt, it can be a little bit awkward. You may not know what to say, you may not know how to act. You're constantly thinking in your mind like, they're going to reject me, they're going to reject me. Do they, do they like me? Do they like this? Or what are they thinking? They probably want to stop talking to me. It's like all of these thoughts just start overwhelming you and then more than anything, you're just worried about being like horribly embarrassed that you know, somehow you're going to do. You're going to flirt with somebody and they're not going to be interested. And then people are going to tell the tale of just what a terrible, terrible job you did. You're going to be branded for life. You know, you get a T shirt, worst flirter ever. And of course, of course all this is, you know, very much in our head and not realistic, but here, and here's good news. And you're thinking like, out of all that, how could, how can there possibly be good news? Flirting and your ability to flirt, it's not an inborn trait. It's not something you're born with. It's not that some people are born just better at flirting and some people are born worse at flirting. What research finds, and here's your first little bit of science. Research finds that it's a skill, it's a skill you can develop, it's a skill you can learn, it's a skill you can get better at. And we get better at all things through practice. And actually we're gonna have a little bonus thing at the end to help you get started with flirting. Little flirty five step flirting challenge, which was fun to put together. And so what we're going to do today on the podcast is go through a bunch of research backed suggestions, tips, tricks, tactics, strategies, however you want to think about it. To help you flirt better. We're going to answer questions like should you be subtle or should you Be direct. Are there different styles of flirting? What's the best overall tactic for, for women? Like, what's the best flirty expression you can have? There's a lot of different ways you could go with that, but there is one flirty expression that guys do like the best. What's the best way to position your body? What to say once you get the conversation going? And then, like I said, we're gonna have a little bonus at the end, a little flirty challenge for you. Okay, so let's get into it. So the first, and I think one of the most. It's a broad question and it's a, it's a very common question with flirting because it gets to the heart of how people flirt is is it better to be subtle or is it better to be more obvious? Now the research shows that people who are being flirted with only accurately detect that they are in fact being flirted with 28% of the time. So roughly. So 28%. So what that means is roughly three out of four times they have no idea the other person's flirting with them. No idea. Right. And that, Reese, that same research finds that females are especially bad at accurately detecting male flirting. Females only accurately Detect male flirtation 18% of the time. One out of five, basically. Right? Not good. Here's the thing, observers are even worse, right? So when someone's on the outside trying to determine if other people are flirting on, they're even worse at it. So it's not, you know, one of those things where like the outside observer in this case has an advantage. They don't. Here's, here's what it boils down to. Direct versus subtle. A lot of times we flirt because we want to be subtle. We basically want to have an out that if the other person doesn't pick up on our flirtations or isn't interested, we can very easily pretend like we weren't flirting at all, right? It's like we're not being vulnerable at all. And so people are overly subtle when they flirt because they want to protect their self esteem. They don't want the horrible rejection. They don't want that worst flirter ever T shirt. But if someone, if on the receiving end, some guy doesn't know you're flirting with them, what's the point? Like, what do you like? Why even bother? And so if you're gonna flirt, go for it. Be a little vulnerable. Make your flirtations more obvious. And here's the thing, all that rejection that people are worried about, it virtually never happens. Guys like Women talking to them. People are going to be flattered. No one's going to be mean. It's not all those worst case scenarios that are playing out in your head just frankly aren't going to happen. So when flirting, if it's between subtle and direct, direct is absolutely the best. All right, so the second question. Do people have different flirting styles? Right. And it turns out, yes, there are many flavors of flirting. And so research from the University of Kansas, they identified five flirting styles. And so the first one is physical, which relies on body language, right? Like a little bit of touch, that kind of thing. Playful flirting. You, it's very like game playing. Like, you know, it's like, oh, you don't know what I, I bet you don't know what I like. It's just a bunch of things that's just, you're trying to be like a little, it's like a little teasing almost. There are people who are polite flirts where they're very cautious and it's, it's, it's almost very proper, right? There's sincere flirting, which is a form where someone's trying to establish a very authentic connection. Right. And so a sincere flirt is much more focused on saying clever things and trying to really understand the person that they're flirting with. But you know, in a way that shows that you're a little bit interested. And then lastly, the traditional flirt, these are people that rely on typical gender roles and where women aren't forward at all, right. And they just kind of hang back and they rely on the male, the guys to basically do all of the big flirting moves and to approach and all that kind of stuff. Which, you know, the way we, we think about it at Love Strategies is like that, that works up to a point, but there are certain guys that just are going to need a little bit more of a, a Runway. Like, you know, we talk about the big welcome mat every once in a while. Like you're just gonna hang back and wait all the time for the guys to do all the work. You're gonna miss a lot of really great guys out there. Right? And so what these researchers found, not only did they say, you know, there's these five styles, some styles were better at certain times. And so the playful teasing kind of messing around almost, it's really, it's really the tea and just kind of teasing and picking on the other person that was really effective for short term, short term relationships, right? And so things that were just going to be like a more casual, short term, playful stuff is best. Men are more likely to use playful kinds of flirting than women are. Women tend to be more traditional, right? And remember, traditional is that kind of hanging back. But overall, those that use physical, playful and sincere had more overall dating success. Now remember we said playful was better for short term. That sincere flirting where you're really trying to get to know somebody and just, you know, talking to them, making that emotional connection, that's going to be a little bit better for long term relationships. And so I think the big takeaway from this is it's not that you have to be one style or only use one style. I think it's just knowing that there's lots of different things that you can work in. Cause sometimes people think of flirting only as that playful style. There's lots of things you can do. So if you don't want to be playful, you know, you be polite, be physical, be, you know, be sincere, the traditional one, I would advocate for you being a little bit more active and a little less passive. Right.

So one thing you'll hear a lot on the podcast is us mentioning the seven little love steps. These are seven powerful yet simple steps that you can take in your love life to attract that man that last for the rest of your life. So if you don't know the seven little love steps, then I have a free training for you. It's completely free. Just head on over to the lovesteps.com you can go through that virtual training. I think you're going to really enjoy it and get a lot out of it and understand our exact framework for attracting that relationship you truly deserve. Again, that's the lovesteps.com all right, back to the pod.

Okay, next one. Is there one kind of best overall tactic when flirting? Like, what is the one thing you should do? Like, so there might be a bit different styles, but what's the one thing you should do? So a very large scale study that was conducted both in the US And Norway, they wanted to see what was the single best tactic. And what they found was if there's one thing that's going to make it clear that, you know, in flirting, remember it's there to generate sexual interest, right? Number one thing, find the other person funny. Laugh at their jokes, giggle at things that they're gonna say, right? But like, just find them funny because you're gonna, if you find them funny, if you're gonna enjoy yourself, finding them funny means that you're smiling, that means that you're laughing, that means that you're having a good time, that means that you're exuding positivity. We like being around positive people. If you're flirting with a guy, and chances are that you are, right, guys like for women to find them funny. A lot of times guys are talking in a way that's meant to almost perform, to try to get girls to like them, obviously, but also to find them funny. I'm a guy, you know. We like people to think we're funny. We like to be humorous and so super, super effective. It's actually effective for men and women. But, you know, women remember, like, this is something really important, you know, make sure you find the guys funny. Women were more effective with specific tactics when they used physical contact. Having that little, you know, we talk about it in At Love Strategies in terms of breaking the touch barrier. Just slight little physical contact, little light touch on the arm, like touch on the hand. But when it comes to physical contact, women don't use hugs. Hugs send a message of we're friends. Like, oh, come in for a hug. Like, no. No other. Other forms of contact, right? Oh, you know, just like those. Those little touches. But hugs send more of a friend friendship vibe. So you want to. You want to shy away from the hugs. Men were more effective flirting when they're focusing on conversation, right? Giving compliments, using humor. So all. Which is that, you know, there's not a lot of, you know, this is a podcast for women. But what this shows is men, when they're flirting, they're going to be focusing on conversational skills, compliments and humor. So if a guy's trying to have a conversation with you, he's trying to be a little funny, and he's paying you compliments, he just might be flirting with you, which is important because going back to the first one, people aren't very good at detecting flirting. So if he's being humorous, right, Having that conversation, paying you some compliments, he's probably flirting with you. He's probably into you, which is important. Like, you gotta. You gotta recognize it when he's doing it, too, right? All right, so number four is what's the best flirty expression for women to attract men? So researchers have looked at this too, right? So this was a study at University of Kansas and University of California, Davis. And what they found was there was an expression. They did a. Basically a, you know, without getting into the details, a trial and error kind of process. And they found 77% of men, that's a big number, right? To get that much agreement on something, 77% of men found a specific expression as Flirtatious. And I don't know if this is going to be good or bad for the people that are on the video. I'm going to try to do this. I'm not a woman, so who knows if this is going to, this is probably going to look horrifying. But the expression that they found was head tilted to the side, slightly downward, eyes forward with a smile. Hey everybody, that had to see that on the video. I apologize if you didn't have to see that on a video. Don't seek it out. Just the audio is better. So head tilted to the side, slightly downward, eyes forward with a slight smile. Right. And when you're trying to do this, you want to avoid smiling too big or too small. Because if you're, if it's like a big toothy grin, that can be a little weird. But it also, that comes off as friendly. That's something you do. Like, hey, how's it going? Like, it seems more of a friendly thing. And if it's too small of a smile, it seems like you're not interested. So there's like that kind of happy medium middle ground where it's like a slight like hey. Right? And I think that's the way to think about it because I think even when you say hey, like that puts your smile at the right level. It's not high, it's hey. And not like, huh, Right. So some. Somewhere in between. Right? That slight smile. So again, head tilted to the side, slightly forward, eyes forward. So like looking, looking up, up and out and then with a slight smile. That's. That is the go to flirty expression that guys recognize as being flirty. And that's important. Right? Because again, the subtle flirting guys don't always pick up on. Right. We're not so good at picking up on that stuff. So that particular expression we, we know that is, is effective. Okay, so that's the flirty expression. What about a. How do you hold your body? Like, what's the way to do that? And so research has looked at this as well. So is there a certain body position that's more effective? There is. And so this, they did this one at a speed dating event and what they found was expansive body posture is very flirtatious. And so expansive body pressure is like taking up physical space. It's kind of having a wide stance and having your arms open and out to the side. Think of expansive as the opposite of, you know, just being kind of like all closed up really tightly, you know, timid, almost like not. It looks unconfident. Right. And that's what the researchers suggested too, is that by being more expansive, it shows a level of confidence and dominance. And so that signals to other people high status. You know, we talk a lot about being high value, high status, high character. And so if you're, you know, kind of out there and you know, you're, you're gesturing and you're, you're not all kind of tightly wound, it just shows a comfort level with being around other people. It shows a confidence and it shows that you are good at this, which all suggests high status, which again is something that men find very appealing. So all these things, right? We're talking about flirting, right? We talked about direct, we talked about facial expressions, we talked about body posture. So like some of flirting is the conversation itself. So number six is once that conversation gets going, what do you do then? Right? Like what are the key. And so a lot of times people say, you know, give you specific things, you have to say this or don't say this. That's frankly, that's overwhelming. What I like is just a broader philosophy about things. And so research again shows that everybody wants a partner who's going to be there for us. We want somebody who's going to be responsive to our needs, our goals and our wants. We, you know, that's the whole point of having a relationship. We want someone to be there for us when we need them. And so in a dating context, and actually this is called, the research on this is called responsiveness, right? And so we just, we want a responsive partner. And so in a dating context, we can pick up on responsiveness. The easiest way to see if like someone's going to be for, be there for us when we need them is to see if they're a good listener, right? If someone's being a good listener, that's appealing because it's like, okay, they're going to be responsive. So you know, make sure when you're talking to somebody, you're facing them, you're making good eye contact, you're nodding, you're giving the appropriate facial expressions like, oh, that's surprising or oh, concerning. Ask follow up questions and give some of your own thoughts, right? And so you want to make sure you're fully engaged in a conversation. Now if you're in an environment where it's really loud, try to maybe go somewhere where it's not as, not as loud. Make sure you can hear each other, obviously. And so showing sincere interest, being responsive, being a good listener, partners are going to find that very attractive. So you don't often think of just being a good listener and having a good conversation as being a form of flirting, but it's definitely part of the flirting experience, where it's like, if you're going to generate this interest in the other person, you're going to want to have a conversation. And so you want that to go well, right? It's not just about attracting the interest. It's like, what do you do once you capture the interest to really bring it home. And so being responsive, being a good listener is one easy way to do that. So we just went through, you know, a bunch of different ways and tactics and strategies to be a better flirter. And so review practice. But here's the thing. The best way to get good at anything is to actually practice, like, go out and do it. And so the bonus piece of this podcast is what I'm calling a five Step Flirting Challenge. We. I actually just did this a couple weeks ago with our clients, and the response was overwhelming. And it's super easy. A lot of times on the podcast, I can't get into the things that we do with the clients because they're a little bit more involved. This one is simple, and it's just. It was too good not to share. And so I know that a lot of flirting, particularly if you consider yourself not good at it, can be intimidating. Like, you know, do you just go out there and just start flirting with any guy that you meet that seems a little in. Not only intimidating, like a horrifying, perhaps. Like, that's really. So, like, how do you do this? Like, how. So here you can do this. A little strategy. This is what we do, right? Five steps. The next time you're in a social setting. Okay. Or it could be throughout the day. It's kind of. The context is up to you. Whatever makes the most sense. If you're going out to a party, perfect. If you're going out to a bar or restaurant or something where there's going to be a lot of people, perfect work event, even totally fine. Or, you know, this could be. Over the course of the week, I'm going to accomplish this challenge that way. You know, in. At the gym, supermarket, wherever you're going, you can do this. So step one, all you have to do is make eye contact with five guys. That's it. You do that. First, make eye contact with five guys. Next thing, smile at five guys. Right. Again, super simple. The whole idea is to get you started. Got to get started. Once you start getting the habit of making eye contact and smiling at people. You can even throw in that flirty expression we talked about. Hey, it's just going to get easier and easier, right? So make eye contact. Seven people smile. At five, say hi. Just a simple hi to at least three. See what we're doing? Getting progressively right. And as you do this, you will get more comfortable. This will get easier and easier. Number four, ask an innocent question or for help from at least two guys. Right? So the easy thing is, you know, you're standing in line in a coffee shop and you. You make eye contact, you smile, you kind of say h, guy. Then you ask the person in front of you, like, hey, what do you usually get here? You know, what's, what's. What's particularly good? What's your. What's your go to drink? You're there, shared context, super easy. And you just kind of start those conversations. I promise, the people, nine times out of 10, 90 times out of 100, even the guys you're asking these questions to, they're gonna be like, oh, my gosh, like you're. I. They're gonna be thrilled. They're gonna absolutely be thrilled that you're talking to them. And then number five, with your flirty challenge is full on, full bore. Like, do flirt. Like you're. You're definitely flirting. Like, making eye contact, smiling, saying hi, even asking a question isn't clearly flirting. Five is little. So that's a little touch. It's a little finding them funny. It's a little asking kind of playful questions, if you want. Right. It's. It's being sincere and asking them something about themselves. Right? All of those things that we talked about. So again, the five step flirting challenge. Step one, make eye contact with seven people. Step two, smile at five people. Step three, say hi to three people. Step four, ask an innocent question or ask for help from two people. Five, flirt with at least one person. Okay, simple five steps. No. No excuses not to be able to do this over the next couple of days. And so give yourself a deadline. Deadlines are super helpful. So give yourself a deadline. I'm going to accomplish the flirting challenge in. By next Monday, next Friday. I'm going to do this, you know, at. I have this social event this Saturday night. I'm going to do it there. Even give yourself a deadline if you're at a big social event like this or if you're going out to a bar or restaurant or some kind of something like that. I would even give yourself a deadline that I'm going to start my flirting challenge within the first two minutes of me being there, because, again, that's going to get you started. And so, you know, there is a science to flirting. There are a bunch of strategies you, you can use to do this more confidently and successfully. And so hopefully the little bit that we were able to discuss today, you'll find really helpful. Because, you know, like, like I said, with the flirting challenge, it's important to get started, and flirting really is going to be the start of a lot of relationships for a lot of you listeners out there. So good luck with the flirting challenge, let us know how it goes, and hope to see you on a future podcast. Thanks a lot. Bye.

So now you've reached the end of the podcast. Thank you so much for being here. And because you have proven that you are serious about attracting love, you wouldn't be listening to this podcast if you didn't feel that way. What I'd love for you to do is go to loveapply.com where you can apply for a complimentary love strategy session where a professional love strategist on my team is going to speak with you directly and be able to see whether or not our executive love coaching programs can be transformational for you and your love life. There's absolutely no fee whatsoever. All you got to do is head on over to loveapply.com schedule that session, and you could be speaking with someone on my team over the next couple days. All right, thanks so much. Talk to you soon.

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