The Truth About Dating Divorced Men: Do's, Don'ts, and Dealbreakers

Gary, I don't know if this is kind of a pet peeve of yours, but I have a little bit of a pet peeve.

Oh, do tell.

Whenever a new client starts working with us and they use the phrase, I don't date, insert blank. Guys, it could be anything. Police officers, it could be. I've heard it all.

Farm fire is named Dave.

What's that guy's name?

Dave.

Guy's name. Oh, I've dated Dave. I don't do that. But the one that kind of gets me the most is when they're like, I don't date divorced guys. And then I'm like, oh, okay, so you've never been divorced? Oh, no. I've been divorced two times. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam lodolce, and professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. Let's just get this straight. How would you feel if you heard a guy say, I don't date divorced women? Oh, what? He's so. What a pig. How could he ever say it? Truly, it is kind of that ridiculous sometimes. Wait, wait, do you hear yourself talking? And obviously, all of this happens in a loving, caring way. We love our clients, and I love my clients, but I will call them out in these moments because that's what we're here for. That's why we get paid the big bucks. Right, Gary?

Yeah. And I think people always say those exact kinds of things in a very smart way. Right? It feels smart. Yeah. It's like, it's a full chested, like, guess what I figured out. I should not date divorce guys. And it's. It is smart. And it sounds smart because you're saying something that is intentionally designed to help you avoid problems.

Right.

And it will do that. You know what else will avoid problems? Never talking to men. Right. And it's like, you have to be careful that you're not overdoing this well intentioned but potentially backfiring type of strategy. And I think that's what we're here to talk about today. And just the sense that, you know, I get it, divorce is hard. Right? A lot of baggage, a Lot of wounds, a lot of scars. It is also not a singular moment. Kind of hard once you're divorced, you have months and years potentially of hard of trying, working, fighting, making up, breaking up, hoping some more, ultimately realizing it's finalized, realizing that that person that you once loved really isn't the person for you. And then here's the fun bonus. They're still around the person you're divorcing. Like a lot of times they're still involved in your life. And so you know, when you're dating a divorced guy, it's not just dating a divorce guy, it's debating dating him and his ex wife who's potentially batshit insane.

Yes, more often than not, I would say. So we're going to be getting this is, this could be a long one. But I think we'll get to the heart of this pretty quickly. But we're going to be getting to the truth about dating divorce guys. The don'ts, the do's and the deal breakers. We'll end with a two key deal breakers when it comes to. It's not like we're just going to willy nilly date anyone. Obviously we need to have some principles, some guiding principles, but we do not just. I'm going to hit you with the punchline here. Don't rule out all divorce guys. There can actually be a lot of benefits there that are might be a little bit hidden and surprising. So Gary, why don't you walk us through this a little bit?

Yeah. And so I think, you know, it's all about just not overdoing. Not overdoing it. Right. And so I think one of the major don'ts that leads to the I don't date divorce guys is number one, don't. Is don't make assumptions about his readiness. Right. And so it's not up to you to decide if he's ready to date. And so, you know, you might have seen that he's been divorced four months and you're thinking, ah, that's not nearly long enough for him to be over that relationship and all. But here's the thing, he might have a considerable head start. Four months might be the time since he's been actually officially, legally divorced. But that relationship has probably been dying for a long time. And often what the research shows, people have thought about their divorce for months and months and months, more than a year before they actually get divorced. So it's not like the divorce comes out of nowhere and it's been four months and you know, five months ago everything was fantastic. That's just not how it works. And so the strategy we really encourage our clients to use is just be curious. Don't make assumptions. Be curious. Ask questions. There is one caveat, though, with this, about making assumptions about his readiness. If he says. If he says he's not ready, you have to believe him.

Listen, listen. Yeah.

There's no good reason for a guy to tell you he's not ready. There's no trick. There's no nothing. It's. It's not. Oh, he's not saying, I'm not ready to have you help him fix him. Anything like that. And there's. That's the. That's the bait. That's the temptation. He says he's not ready, but he will be for me.

Right.

I'm different. I'll make it work. Don't do it. That's a. You're gonna. You're setting yourself up for disaster, so don't do that.

Yeah. They'll always say actions matter more than words. Don't even listen to the words. In this case, listen to their words. Whereas, on the other hand, if he does say he's ready, you know, the divorce took a year to finalize. They've been separated for a year, and then he's been divorced for, in this case, four months. And he says, look, I'm at a stage in my life where I'm looking for the next phase of my life, and. And then his actions and behaviors are supportive of those words. Listen to him. See how he falls through. And then there's no reason not to.

That's it.

I mean, those are just some data points that you have. Yeah, it's been four months. It's a little bit soon, Whatever. But does that mean that this can't be an amazing relationship and that he's learned so much from that experience, and he's coming out of this with a whole new level of energy for life and love, and he's ready to give his love to the next person. That's absolutely possible. So just avoid making these rules where you'll say, oh, if a man has. If it hasn't been a year since his divorce, and I won't consider him suddenly, before you know it, if you have this many rules and regulations in your love life, you're going to be whittling it down to a very small percentage. And that small percentage might not necessarily even be your best potential guys that you're talking to. Like, you're just whittling down to too small of a group.

Yeah. And, like, let's Be honest. Every once in a while, guys need to learn things the hard way. And sometimes the divorce is the hard way. That forces him to wake up and learn something. And so, you know, you got to create the space and give the opportunity for him to show you maybe what he's learned from that experience. Agreed. So another thing you should not do when dating divorce guys is don't speak bad about his ex. That's his job. Let him do it. And really. And really, really, he shouldn't be talking that poorly about her either. He should mostly give you, like, a weird, things were good for a while, and then things didn't work out. He shouldn't be talking about her like. Like I said earlier, batshit insane or spawn on the devil or whatever, you know, kind of phrase that she might have. Because if he's talking that badly about her, the. The problem there is like, guess what, pal? You picked her up. You stayed with her. Like, that's not great, right? Here's the one caveat. Here's a little inside the male mind, little insight. You be careful that you're not subtly encouraging him to speak badly about his ex, because guys will do it to prove to you, to make it abundantly clear that he's passed her over her. She's not a threat in any way. And so if he starts speaking badly about his ex and you're like, ooh, give me the tea. What's the drama? Let me hear about all of it. Let me hear about how terrible she is and all the ways she's terrible. He's gonna be like, okay, this is good. She likes this. And he'll just kind of keep feeding into it because it's also signaling that he's not into her, but he's more into you.

Drama's so fun. Like, until I moved in with my wife, what did we move in? Probably eight years ago, I never watched reality tv. But, oh, my God, am I, like, super into it now? Because she'll, like, throw it on on a Monday night. I'm like, yeah, let's go. Let me see that drama. Just get into it. And it's so. It's fun sometimes. Like, if I want to just watch. Nonsense. It's been a long day. Give me some of that drama. And it's addictive. And I think a lot of people get addicted to it in their love life as well, because it's fun, it's juicy. It's like, tell me more about what she did. Oh, yeah. But is that going to create a connection between the two of you it'll create some type of connection, but it could be a toxic connection, and he might leave that date thinking about more about his ex than he is even about you. So if the ex does come out, if the conversation about that comes up, where I'd be redirecting the conversation in a much more healthy way, I think is talking about what did he learn from that previous relationship that he wants to take forward into his next relationship? Now we're getting to something juicy where he's talking about his future and how he wants to show up. You'll also get really good information about the guy and whether or not he's actually learned some things and is taking some ownership. If he's like, the only thing I learned is not to date crazy ladies. Well, is that really a learning experience? But if he explains how, you know, one thing I really learned is that when something's off in a relationship, it's so important. Important to sit down in a quiet place, hold hands, look each other in the eye, and just talk about it. Ooh.

Oh, that's good.

That's good. Yeah, I totally agree. And now you're talking about relationships in general and actually what a healthy relationship looks like, boom, there's the connection. That's how you can actually build something forward, not looking backward. So one thing you'll hear a lot on the podcast is us mentioning the seven little love steps. These are seven powerful yet simple steps that you can take in your love life to attract that man that lasts for the rest of your life. So if you don't know the seven little love steps, then I have a free training for you. It's completely free. Just head on over to the lovesteps.com you can go through that virtual training. I think you're going to really enjoy it and get a lot out of it and understand our exact framework for attracting that relationship you truly deserve. Again, that's the lovesteps.com. all right, back to the pod.

Yeah. And, you know, don't worry. All the drama stuff, you'll hear it eventually.

Yeah, it's coming out.

It'll come out like you're gonna get there. Like, you just don't need to get there all at once because you. Your number one strategy in these is make it clear that you're not threatened at all by the ex. You don't even. You don't even pay her any mind. That's why you don't care about the drawing, because it just doesn't matter who she is, because you're so much better. And that's the vibe you want to go with in, in those interactions. Yeah, I. I think the third thing to make sure you don't do when dating a divorce guy is don't get involved at all. Parenting children issues while you're dating early on and for a long time. I will say the kids, the parenting of the kids, anything about the kids is completely none of your business. Yeah. Yes. You're not going to be able to help it. You will have opinions. Those are for you and your friends, not him. He's even going to ask, what do you think I should do with young. I don't know, Charlie. I don't know. What should I do with young Charles? I don't know. I don't know. Your job is solely and only to support them. Support them in their decisions, support them in just dealing with stress. Whatever the emotional, whatever it is, support. And here's the thing. Do not punish him forever, any, in any way for being a good dad. Right. And so if he needs to spend. If he needs to cancel something with you because something with his kids came up. Okay.

Right.

That is a sign of his character. That is a good thing. You don't want to date a guy who's a bad dad's.

This has come up a few times with clients recently. And my visceral reaction is so different than the room. And it's really interesting. And I think yours is the same as mine. But I want to confirm because I don't think we've talked about it aside from the clients, but it's come up a few times with clients where they say, I'm. And we're talking about guys you're just starting to date. We're not talking about men that you are with for years or you're, of course, married to. So we're talking about new guys. So new guy that you're dating and all he cares about his kids are his kids. His kids are his number one priority. And we even had a client say, oh, I don't know. This guy just keeps talking about how his kids are his number one priority. His top priority in life. Everyone's like, oh, dump him, dump him. He's the worst. And I'm like, right, what? So you want his kids to not be top priority. You want his new girlfriend, which is what you are. Sorry, you're his new girlfriend. You want. Sorry, kid, I got this new girlfriend I gotta spend time with. You're not my top priority anymore. Imagine if he said that to his kid. Oh, that's what you want. This is a fun rant because I. I can't be this strong with clients, but I can just, like, release this on podcasts. And I'm just, like, thinking to myself, what kind of world are you living in? His kids should be his top priority. If they're not, it shows a lack of character. Do you really want to get involved? Now? I get it. When you're married, there's a balancing act, and that needs to be addressed with communication. And as a relationship progresses, of course there's a balance. But at the end of the day, until the day you die with him, you should be number two in my eyes. Mic drop.

100%. Yes. Yes. This is my dead Poet Society moment. I'm standing on a desk. CHEERING yes, go, like, complete 100%. It's. And I. I don't know if we might even talk about. I had the same kind of experience with a client and I said, well, you have kids. How would you feel if he asked you to put your kids aside to spend time with him? Well, I wouldn't do that. Exactly. Exactly. Nor should you. Kids are important. He should be more loyal to his kids than you. You're new. He should be more loyal to his kids than you. Probably forever. Probably definitely forever.

Gary, I'm just imagining, God forbid if you were ever single. KNOCKING why? I shouldn't even say that. But if you were single and dating and you told a woman that your daughter's your priority, and they're like, oh, you're done, that would be the biggest mistake of that woman's life to, like, ruin it with you. You'd be like, bye, bye, never talking to you again. You're out. And she'd be like. She would probably justify and be like, oh, well, you know, he just cared about his kid or whatever. Worst decision of that woman's life, just knowing you and how great of a partner you would be. I can say this about you, you can't say this about yourself, but I know you'd be like the guy that if I had a daughter married, she'd have to grow up really quickly for it to work. But, you know, like, that would be the biggest mistake of her life. And it's not to say you would make her a priority, the. The girlfriend a priority, but, God, your daughter's gonna be number one till the day.

And. And this is the thing. And this. And, you know, I have very much the same reaction, and I always take it as an opportunity to be like, wait a second, what is actually most important here? And you're Losing sight of what's most important. The most important thing is his character as a man. And no guy can have character as a man if he's not willing and able to prioritize his kids.

Right.

I feel like that's. You can't even debate that. And so what are you doing if you're questioning his desire and willingness to be a good dad? And so we should move on before we keep going.

I feel. I feel. I feel better. I feel good.

I feel good.

It's released. All right, good.

It gets me a little fired up, though. So I could kind of keep going. But we won't. Yeah, we won't.

So let's move on to the next.

So let's not let in the don'ts of dating divorce, guys. Let's not let jealousy ruin the relationship. Talked about this already a little bit, but it's like when you get divorced, the ex doesn't go away. And the ex generally is going to be a pain. Generally they are. I mean, it's. Every once in a while they. They have good relationships, but it's a lot of times the divorce was a divorce for a reason. And so the ex and the partner, they don't get along. And so random texts, they're not going to end. And some of the ex partners are going to be intentionally a pain in the butt. Remember, the ex isn't a threat unless you make her one.

Yeah.

If you keep bringing it up, if you keep turning it into more and more drama, remember, the facts are the facts. Your act, you're the person you're dating is not with their ex. They're with you. Don't lose sight of the most obvious thing and just leave it at that.

And it's a pretty important relationship to try and be cordial with the ex, as this is going to require you to be the biggest of the big person in the room many times. Because very likely the ex is not going to like you. You're the new girlfriend. But be the bigger person and just be as cordial, as kind as possible. Be so kind that there's no way for them to not like you and that's it. And then you move on.

Yeah. Friendly, friendly. You don't have to be friends. Just be friendly.

No, you don't have to be friends. No, she's not your friend. But cordial, don't fall for the drama which is going to calm because then that makes sense. The ex will try and create drama because it makes her relevant again.

Right.

She wants to be relevant in the relationship. She Gets joy from knowing that she's creating the drama. Don't let her win. She is just a little peanut in your world. She doesn't matter. It's not important. You'll be kind to that little peanut. You know, I don't know. Now I'm losing the whole script here. I'll be really kind to the peanut. I'll pet the peanut, but then I'll put it away and realize it doesn't exist. I don't know. I don't know why I said a peanut.

Sir, well done. I'm hungry.

I don't know.

One last thing about jealousy is that sometimes people have a good divorce and sometimes they have a bad divorce. But even in a bad divorce, it doesn't mean their entire marriage was a train wreck, right? And so when you're dating someone who's been divorced or it's been in a long term past relationship of any kind, there's going to be times and moments where they bring up memories that are positive. Don't let those threaten you. That's just a sign that your partner knows how to have a good relationship at times. Like they have those good moments too. That's not threatening because again, they're not with them. And you got to look at the relationship in its totality. And so, yeah, were there like little glimpses of positive things? Of course there were, but they're divorced and there's a good reason why they're divorced. And so don't let those little glimpses into some of the positive aspects threaten you. It's like, well, okay, that's why they were together for 15, 20 years. Okay, that makes some sense. And there's always gonna be some positive things. Don't, don't let it throw you.

Speaking of positive, let's go to the positive, which is the do's of dating divorce guys. And the first one I think is probably the most important, I would say, of all these and real, and that is realizing that divorce is often a positive sign. It shows that he wanted something better in his life. And, you know, divorce can be done in a very mature and reasonable way. And, you know, I think that someone who is later in life and they're still dating, the fact that their divorce shows a lot about them in a very positive light. It means that they've experienced what marriage really means. Not to say, like, if you're not divorced, it doesn't mean that's. If you've never been married, that's not the worst thing either. It's just saying in this context If a person is divorced, it's not necessarily a failure. It can be a massive learning experience in their life. Like, some of the best people you work with have probably been fired at some point in their life. And guess what? You learn a lot when you get fired from a job. It's not an exact, like, equivalent, obviously, but, you know, these moments in life where things don't work out can many times be the very thing that teaches you the lesson you needed to learn. And then you move forward with a whole new way of approaching things. And many times the second or even third marriage, that's the one where it's like, okay, I've. I've finally learned the lessons I need to learn, and this is the one that clicks. So don't write it off as being such a negative thing.

I'm sure there are people listening to this right now who are divorced and consider their divorce and that experience as a catalyst for growth.

Right, right.

It's. That's. And that's a very, very healthy way of looking at things. I also just think a guy who's been married for 20 years, successfully raised his kids and got divorced, that's not a failure. That's not a bad thing. Like, that's life. And sometimes the person you are when you're 52 is in the person you were when you were 32 and got married. Okay, good. You. You were able to see that you weren't growing together, and so now it's time to more healthily grow apart. Okay, that's not. Not a problem. Which I think brings us to the second one, which is before we go on. Oh, yeah.

I just propose a societal norm that I really want to happen, and that is when a person gets divorced, everyone celebrates with a massive party. Like, not just a wedding, but like a bachelor's party style. Everyone gets together. I mean, go out societally, and when someone gets divorced, it's a good thing. Like, this is a wonderful thing. It's not a. Oh, my God. You come over and it's like someone died and you need to drink wine and just, like, all cry together. No, celebrate. Celebrate what happened. Celebrate the. Obviously, there's certain circumstances. We're not celebrating. I get that. But now you can at least celebrate your new life you're starting. It is many ways a celebration. It is not the same as a death. It's not. I mean, and some people do celebrate death, some cultures celebrate death, and it can be a wonderful thing. So maybe it is a similar thing, but celebrate it. It's a new phase It's a new stage of life. It doesn't mean you're a failure. Divorced people can thrive in new relationships. Don't forget it. So I'm going to start that trend. Well, I don't want to start that trend, but I'm not getting divorced. I don't want to ever get divorced. But the next person I know who gets divorced, I'm throwing a party for them. This is a divorce party.

What I always say is, divorce isn't sad to me. No, it's actually a happy thing. You know what's sad to me is people staying in relationships that aren't fulfilling.

Way worse.

So much more like people don't end relationships that are great. Just doesn't happen. Right. And so if people are getting divorced, they needed a divorce, and that's. That's okay. Right. So the second thing to do, which we've already hit on, so we'll linger on this too much, is just be patiently curious. Like we said, all the details that you want, and you want details. Like you want to know what happened, who said what, who was at fault, who did it. Right. All those details you're dying for, they'll come out eventually. You don't need to figure those out on the first date, the second date, or even the third. Like, give it time, don't rush it. If he's unwilling to talk about it, that's maybe something else. But you know, don't. You don't have to get all the information right away. And while you're waiting and you're being curious, be patient. Don't jump to conclusions.

Good luck with that one.

Yes. Yes, Guilty. Easy to say, harder to implement. But, like, don't. Like, I have seen so many people ruin early stage things by just jumping right into deep, deep waters. And it's. There's a time and a place and it's like you want to build a little rapport first.

Yeah. I mean, unpacking a 20 year marriage. It's 20 years. Like, there's a lot there. There's a lot going on of what may have led to it. Oh, she cheated on him. Okay. But that's one part of it. There's 20 years of relationship that goes into that. It's very complicated. Is that really the road we want to go down in the first two months of building a new relationship with a person? I mean, bits and pieces again, focusing on what he's learned and how he's grown from that experience. But other than that, not really. Trust me, you got. If this works out and the connection's right and he's the right person for you. You'll have 20 years to learn the details slowly but surely.

So I was just going to say, if you're going to ask anything, just ask what led to things falling apart. Big, broad general question. It's not about details. It's not you taking guesses. It's a chance for him to share what he learned, what he realized, all that kind of stuff. It's. It's the most innocuous form of asking, why'd you get divorced?

But okay, here's a rule. Never do that on a first date.

Yeah. Date three or four at most.

Yeah. Just wait.

Build rapport first.

It's the, this classic quote. People don't remember what you say. They remember how you make them feel. And that question, if it's discussed on a first date, he's gonna walk away from that with the feelings of his divorce. Not a positive feeling towards you. It's just not an attraction building conversation. It's just gonna build more drama. So let's move on. And I think the other do, which is similar to the don't. So we can go through this one quickly, which is just encouraging him to put his kids first. Right. Divorce is, it's very challenging on kids, even if they're in their 20s, even if they're a little bit older. And he should want to put them first, take care of them. And even knowing that this might somewhat get in the way of your relationship and spending time together, it is a great sign long term for you to show up in that way where you want to him to put his family first because you realize that this is just a new connection. You're new to all of this and you're just slowly kind of penetrating the family in the situation. So we just don't want to go into this again with that kind of like, me, me, me situation. Nor would you want to ever date a guy who has that energy towards you. So just move slowly on that front.

Just show him that you support him in putting his family and his kids first. In the sense that there's going to be guys who know that he wants to spend time with you, but he also needs to spend time with his kids. And he's like, he's trying to fill multiple roles at the same time and he's in conflict. And most guys most of the time are just going to be like, I can do this. I'm going to make this happen. I'm going to make this work. And so he will still try to make it work. But you just kind of saying like, I understand, I understand what you're going through. Just know I support you. Do what you need to do. I'm here how you need me to be here. He's going to so appreciate that. And going, it would be huge for a guy who cares about his kids for you to authentically say, I support you. Let me know what I can do. How can I make your life easier with this? I get you. I gotta go. Huge, huge, huge, huge. And again, it's about long term because a lot of this stuff with the kids that it's, you know, they're running to all these 16 different activities that's for now, that's not gonna be forever. And so if you're planning on a forever kind of relationship with somebody, you have to think long term. Not I didn't get to see him for as much as I wanted to this weekend. And so support, think long term.

Amen. Why don't you take us through the final do?

Final do, I think is important because we're talking about you and what you can do because it's women that listen to this podcast. But we want to make it super clear and we say this a lot, but it's important. You have to maintain your standards and your boundaries and you have to maintain your own balance. This is not us saying with the do's and the don'ts that you need to be carrying the weight of the relationship. You need to propel everything forward. And it's all about him.

Right?

Because even that last one, I just said that you want to show that you support him with his kids and that's true. But this isn't to say that it's all about him. Yes, he's divorced, but no, the relationship is not all about him. We're not saying you need to compromise everything. What we're saying is be fully informed. You're going to have to give in some areas. Kids dealing with the other family around the holidays especially like that's just the time you're going to have to, you're going to have to give a little. You have to compromise there. But that doesn't mean every area, right? Him being kind, supportive, respectful, making you feel seen, understood and known, you don't compromise on any of that. That's got to be 100 all the time. Don't make the relationship one sided. It's not all about him. If it starts to be one sided, that's not fair. That's not good for you. That doesn't match Your love vision. And it's okay to speak up. Be like, hey, I need. I need some. Some me time in this, too. Yeah.

Amen. All right, we're going to end it with the two deal breakers. And these are as close to rules as I could come up with when it comes to dating divorce men. The first one, and this is a pretty hard rule, and that is, if the divorce is not finalized, do not move forward dating this guy. I have had way too many scenarios over my more than decade experience of coaching women where they'll get involved with a guy who's just separated. I've. I've known situations where he's still living with his. His ex, but it's not finalized, but they can't afford two different places. But this is just a patch for right now, and they're going to be getting divorced once he gets his new job. No way. No way in hell are we going to get involved with that person.

Yeah, he sounds married.

He's married. Until the paper is signed, you are dating a married guy.

That's it.

Like, he needs to be divorced because there are so many situations. This is coming straight from Ann lodolce, who is a divorce attorney, and my.

Mother pulling the mom card.

I'm pulling a mom card right up because let me tell you, there are plenty of her clients who will spend tens of thousands of dollars on divorce proceedings and then get back together. And then they get back together and they realize right before they sign the paper, baby, I love you so much. We should really be together. Oh, my God, you're so great. What are we doing? We shouldn't do this. Let's not do this. Our kids are going to be so sad, and then they get back together. No, I want paper signed, signed, sealed, delivered, and ideally a few months after that.

Yes. Don't date these guys that are divorced. Ish.

No. Dear God. And. And look, for those who are listening who are going through a divorce and your divorce isn't final yet, focus on getting that done. Focus on getting that done and focus on yourself. Yeah, I mean, you're going to go with girlfriends. You're going to have some fun. Maybe you're going to do your thing. That. That's fine, but that's all well and good, but I wouldn't recommend dating in a serious capacity where you're trying to find your next forever person until that is resolved because it's such an emotional process signing that document. Luckily, I've never gone through it, nor have you, Gary, but we've been around it so Much with what we do where just the final process of going to court or going to the mediator, it can just create a whole new level of volatility in the relationship that you don't want to get involved with. So if he is finalizing his divorce going to happen next month, say, great, call me then.

Right.

Looking forward to it. We can talk then. But I think it's really important for you to finalize that chapter of your life before you can move on to the next one. Yeah, so that's my first deal breaker. Second one is if he has an unwillingness to learn from the divorce. And we've already said this a number of times throughout this, but I just want to lay this point home. There are victims in life and then there are people who take ownership. A victim will tell you that it was all his wife's fault. She's the worst. She's the crazy person. She did this wrong. She did that wrong. Oh, I was a perfect husband. She was the worst. That is a concern now. Are there some situations where that is. It was 90% her, still 10% him. Yeah, definitely. But there's still the 10%. It took two to tango. And at the bare minimum, the most important thing to have learned from that, because this is always a decision, is he either stayed with her for too long when he knew it wasn't the right fit and he learned from that experience, or he learned that how important it is to choose the right person. You can always learn that. So that's still ownership of the situation. But don't get involved with someone who just deflects all ownership of that past relationship and puts it all on their ex. Massive red flag, massive concern. Because that person in relationships moving forward is not going to take ownership of their own. They're not going to. They're going to be a terrible partner. So that's what I'd leave you with, 100%.

I'm so happy that we end with this because this idea of victim versus ownership is huge. The only way to improve anything in life is to find the part that you have some control over. And like you said, sometimes it can be 90%, sometimes it's 10%. But there's no situation in life where there's nothing you can do. Like, there's always something you can do. And successful people find the part that they have some impact on and they work on it. And so if you want somebody to learn from their mistakes, they have to see their role in it. And that's hugely important because divorce, not, not anybody's top 10 life experiences that are. That are fantastic. But, you know, we know that there's a lot of post traumatic growth that can take place from not so great events, but it requires you to want to work on it, have that growth mindset, and like Adam said, take a little ownership.

So, ladies, get out there, go date some divorce guys, go date some cops, go date some Daves. All of them are great, great people, firefighters, whatever, you name it. Keep an open mind because I promise you, especially when it comes to divorce guys, many of these guys are little nuggets of gold because so many people are looking past them and they're like, I want someone who's never been divorced. Give them a shot. You'd be pleasantly surprised. Thanks, Gary. That was fun.

Thanks, Adam.

All right, thank you so much for being a part of the Love Strategies community. By getting to the end of the podcast, you have proven that you are a high value woman who deserves a long lasting relationship, and we would love to help you get there. So what I recommend you do is go to loveapply.com and you can claim a free love strategy session where someone on my team is going to get on a call with you on a zoom session, be able to understand your challenges and see whether or not we can help you make that a reality this year. So head on over to loveapply.com apply for that free love strategy session, and we cannot wait to help you attract that man you truly deserve. All right, thanks for being here.