The Truth About Long Distance Relationships: What Science Says

If you're dating, do everything that you can in your power to date locally. But if you find yourself in a long distance relationship, which can sometimes happen, even if you're being intentional with your love life, be very intentional about your communication and how it is that you go about it. Because if you aren't, it's going to fall apart. Real quick.

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy.

All right, Gary, today we're going to be talking about long distance relationships. And I'm pretty sure you were on one of the masterminds recently with our clients. And I'm gonna talk about a client openly. I'm certainly not gonna say him name, but she was on, she was relatively new and her strategy was because she's a traveling nurse, she's like, what I'm gonna do is date guys in many different parts of the country and just kind of see which one sticks. And if it does stick, I'm willing to move, I'm willing to be with that guy. And essentially she was setting up her love life for long distance relationships. Like there was. She wasn't thinking locally. And it brought me us to a topic just talking about long distance relationships. So we thought it was probably a good topic for today. Needless to say, long story short, I was not a fan of this strategy. I think we'll get into it today as to why I feel that way. But Gary, what do you think about long distance relationships? What's your thoughts prior to being a coach at Love Strategies? Like what, what was your thoughts on long distance?

I mean, so most of the. My context with long distance relationships is just looking at the research on basically everyone wants to know like, is this a good thing or is it a bad thing for. For long term relationships and generally people make the assumption that it's got to be worse because you're not physically together. And it's one of those things where like once you start digging into the data on it for long term, established relationships, long distance relationships aren't that bad. And in many ways they're even Better than what the researchers would call proximal relationships or basically just like the normal relationships where people kind of like live together. So generally speaking, you know, for long term relationship, long distance can work. You're right though. I was, I was on that mastermind call and you know, in those coaching sessions, you know, we are coaching people about finding love and dating. Long distance means it's something very different, particularly in the world of online dating. And so I'm wondering if you can kind of shed a little light on kind of your perspective from the dating side of things.

Yeah, well, zooming out on and dating, I mean, dating has changed a lot over the past many hundreds of years. And most importantly over the last 30 years, ever since the Internet has been formed and since we've now been able to tap into this pool, this dating pool of people from anywhere around the country or even world, suddenly we're finding ourselves in so many long distance potential relationships. Because the Internet connects us in that way. And it's causing a lot of challenges for people because what they're finding is that, yeah, they're getting all these matches and they're talking to these guys like, oh, I live in la, you live in New York, you seem great. But what it does is it creates an unrealistic expectation of who that person really is. And what can happen pre. Like what can. What I've seen happen over and over and over again is people are developing relationships with people that they don't even really know. They haven't really met, where they only met a couple times and then once, if it's a big if, they find themselves actually in a relationship, in a proximal relationship, suddenly they're like, holy crap, who is this person? What if I didn't know anything about. I don't actually know you because we had this kind of fantasy relationship. So when it comes to dating itself, I'm very adamant about keeping it local when possible. Of course, there are obviously exceptions, right? If you live in. We had a client who lived in Alaska and she happened to be a flight attendant or maybe a pilot, I don't remember which. And so she was always traveling to San Francisco and a few other places and she lived in a very remote place. I'm talking about 500 people. So in that case that's an exception to the rule. Of course, I would obviously be exploring those areas. But in most cases, if you live in a city or an area that has a population of over 20,000 people, or you're within a, a 30 minute drive to a city, with of course, many more. I would highly recommend keeping your sites local because it's just going to set you up for just much less pain and heartache.

Your love list. Yeah. And I think, you know, what you're describing is that you know, they're living this fantasy relationship and then they, they don't have that IRL relationship like in real life experience of like actually like doing dishes with somebody and paying more. It's just it, you get to fill in the blanks in a long distance relationship with a lot of best case scenarios. And that's just not how real life relationships are. Oddly enough that what you're portraying. I knew you were going to kind of go that direction, but I actually, I think that. Which isn't a great case.

Right.

That's the best case scenario. Because the other thing that happens with these long distance relationships, particularly in the world of online dating, is you get a lot, you meet a lot of people, people who aren't real people at all. Like they're fake, they're scammers. Right. And it's like they're, they're from a whole other state, they're from a whole other country. In some cases they're sending you pictures that aren't them, they're sending you information that aren't them. And it's just like, you know, I know that's one of the pieces of advice and love strategies, little love steps is to meet people in, in real life as soon as possible because that way you get to make sure that it's actually like a real, like it's a real person you can like touch and interact with.

Yeah, yeah. It's, it's amazing the scams that exist out there and how effective they are on very rational, rational people. And it seems like as an outside person person, it seems crazy to think that someone like a woman would give some random person online a hundred thousand dollars. Okay, that's like, it's not even comprehensible. But that story exists many, many times over again. I've heard it over and over again. And when you get into it, you actually hear how it started and how it continued from there. It actually makes sense in some ways. You know, obviously it still takes a certain type of person to, to fall for that. But they're very, very sneaky. And these, these people who are in different countries, they'll be usually traveling men who are just like, they're away a lot of times it's a military is a big one. So if he say, hey, I'm on military leave, I'll be back in six months. And then, oh, he just found out that he's getting deployed, but he just, just needs $500 to get his gear for his deployment. Now it's like. And they get you a little. Yes. And maybe it's 25 bucks just to like send. I'll send you $25, then you send me this, and before you know it, you get a little bit of compliance and then that turns into big, big money. So back to all of this with online dating. It is simply a tool to meeting people offline. And if we think of it as a tool and not a way to actually date, it's just a tool to get to meet people, then why would we even be messing with someone who's not local? The proper, the way that we highly recommend using online data, which is why I think our methods are so successful, is that we get offline as quickly as humanly possible so that we can actually bet this person and see what is the deal.

Right? Because you don't want to lose sight of the thing that you're really looking for, which is a real life relationship. Right? And if you want to have a Internet relationship, you can go to any chat room. There's a million other ways to do that, but that's not actually what people are looking for. And so, you know, it's, it's so, it's so simple, but it's such an important reminder, like, keep in mind what you're actually looking for and make sure that you're optimizing your behaviors for exactly that thing. And like, keeping these things online is not what you want. And so you'd have to wonder, like, why does this other person want to keep it online for so long or keep it this weird long distance? And so, you know, we talked about the scammers. You know, just the most classic scam of, in history of relationships is just cheaters. You know, like you're meeting a guy, it's. He's not trying to take your money or anything, but it's like he's, he's away, he's a distance and it's like, what's he doing? Like, I mean, for all you know, he's got a full other family or two or three at different parts of the country, and it's just like he travels. And so again, is that the kind of relationship you want? I mean, does, you know, one of you talk about the little love steps is, you know, do. Does the person you're interested in have the type of lifestyle that is Conducive and fits the long term relationship you're looking for. And so these people that are like all over the place and now I'm here and now here and I'm here and I'm not going to see you for three months because I'm doing.

God does.

What is that? Is that your, is that what you want? Is that your love vision? Is that, is that how you see your relationship feature? And the answer is probably not. Right?

That was actually, I think the most important point you made when we were speaking to the nurse on the coaching session. Sorry, after watching this, right now we're not picking on you, but you know.

We have to talk about this because.

It'S just so relevant to this. And you were, you said, I think something along the lines of what kind of guy would travel all the. Like she was like, oh, they're coming to me for the first date. And you're like, what kind of guy would travel all the way from LA to, to wherever she lives for a first date? It would likely be a man got something to hide. Like that's not a normal thing for a guy to hop on a plane for basically a first date either was looking for a weekend fling and a lot of fun, which you know, I would imagine a single guy like if a woman in Texas is like super cute, is like, hey, you want to come here for a weekend? For just like whenever thing. I'm like, it sounds kind of fun.

But that's not a serious.

I'm not actually looking for something real or there's that or I'm married, I keep pumping. I got to see the wrong different ways if possible and go at the perfect. Is it not like real commitment? It's not like high value commitment. Focused men who have options are not just jumping on a flight to travel across the country to go on a first date.

Right. And you know, the other piece of that, you know, she had, I think she lived in Austin, right. And it was like people were coming from la, people were coming from Arizona and then other somebody else was come flying in from Florida. It was like, it was a really, it was a really complicated solution to a simple problem. And what she thought the problem was is that there were no available guys to date in Austin.

Right.

Which you know, probably just isn't the case. It just, you know, a lot of times when things don't work out with one approach, people immediately start going to like these more complicated things. And it's like now you just instead of like changing entirely and doing like flying guys In Fallover, it's like just going to change like a little bit and just shift your strategies and tactics just, just slightly and you'll start finding what you're looking for.

Yeah, I mean, and she was a brand new client, so we were, I think, being kind. Oh, I don't know. That was on a tough love, I think. We, we, we have, we have these evenings that we call them tough love Tuesdays. We have one tonight where I can get a little cranky because I'm a morning person. I've been up since 4 this morning, so they're at night, so I can.

Get a little cranky with people. So if, hey, when you say night, I mean be clear, be clear. What night is it? Is seven o' clock at night?

Night.

It's six o'. Clock. Come on, people.

Oh my God. Whatever. I'm not really happy. I don't think I'm that mean. But you're not beast. I could be a little bit cranky, but it's all good.

The thing is, so, you know, long distance relationships, in terms of dating and starting your relationship that way, I think we're kind of both on the same page and it's just not the best way to do it. Right. I mean, there's many better ways to do it. You're setting yourself up. We talk all the time about, you know, you got to set yourself up for success.

Right.

And so starting off long distance isn't the best way to do it.

Yeah. Yep, absolutely. Hey there, ladies.

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Now, like you said, there are some scenarios where long distance relationships can work. And so what, what I always say, and I was actually just talking to Jessica before this, is if you do find yourself in a long distance relationship, and they do sometimes happen, let's say, for example, you are traveling for work and you're at a conference and you live in Boston, you're in LA and meet someone who's just absolutely incredible. Well, and you just really click and you spend the night getting to know each other, everything's great. And then you kind of develop from there. Well, that's, that's a little bit different because it happened organically. It wasn't necessarily like an intention plan. Like on my dating, you just met someone. And I've actually been in a situation similar to that as Boston to New York and we tried to make it work and it really didn't work. So I think there's some situations where it makes sense to lean in if the risk is, if the reward is worth the risk. And in my case, it definitely was. Now, a few things to keep in mind. If you do find yourself that, if you do find yourself in a long distance relationship that I always suggest, number one, if you are in a committed, exclusive long distance relationship that's not yet, you're not yet married, there should be a plan within the next year for you to live near each other. And if not, then I would not consider this. I would not consider moving forward. For example, I had a client once who was in a long distance relationship with a man. She lived in Ohio. He lived in maybe somewhere on the east coast, like Atlanta or something, and he was military over there and he was not going to be leaving his post for like six years. And she had kids that were in middle school and she wasn't leaving until they were graduating and they were in this long distance relationship. And that is a relationship I would not recommend. I'm curious on your thoughts on that because I know the data suggests that you can make it work, but I think if we dove into it, that's, that's a, that's a tricky one.

Yeah, I mean, I think those kind of situations were, you know, six years, that's a long time with kids involved. I mean that's, you're, you're adding several layers of complexity to a relationship which. Yeah, it's just, that's not ideal. It's probably not what people are looking for. I, you know, thankfully though, a lot of the long distance relationships that people are involved in are kind of like what you originally described there, which is they're long distance for a period and then they have kind of a set expiration date. Like they have a plan. And that, that plan thing is really important because, you know, there was a big site, I just kind of literally like a million. They, they brought a bunch of long distance relationship stuff together. They said 1.3 million data points and 33,000 of the spotted. But essentially the number one reason why long distance relationships fail was a failure to have a plan. They just didn't have an exit strategy. They didn't have like, how do we transition from this thing to the next thing? And there's other research showing that one of the biggest danger points for a long distance relationship is when they're not at long distance anymore. Right. It's those reunions. It's when people come back together, like everything's going great and like the relationships are amazing in lots of different ways. And they, they get back together and it's like crap. And it's exactly what you said about the dating thing earlier. It's like the fantasy's gone. It's like, no, we actually have to learn how to like live as people together. And that's. That can be tough.

Yeah, yeah. I, that and my, I had a friend, a female friend, and she was dating a guy in England for like seven years, something like that. But now following his principals and then they moved in together, he moved to Boston and I think they broke up with my two months. It was so quick. It was, it was shockingly quick. But I get it. Like they, they're now, you know, farting next to each other. Whatever, whatever happens once you live with someone and you know, you're just living your normal life and sorry to be vulgar here, I couldn't think of a background. What happens when it's no longer these weekend exciting vacations and now you're just living together, you're fighting, you're like, and put the toilet seat down. And it's like, can you just put it down? You know, whatever it is when you have pee. Oh God. So, yeah, have a plan.

I think one of the things.

I.

Was going to say, yeah, have a plan. But I think one of the things that's a reality about long distance relationship is like sometimes people want to be in long distance relationships and there's almost like a darker motivation to it in the sense that they have attachment issues, they're highly anxious, they're fearful about living with a partner. They're not comfortable sharing their space with somebody else that, you know, they live apart just to deal with the fact that they're really picky, they're really fussy. They, you know, they don't want to deal with someone who leaves cabinets open like, I know you do. You know, there's a bunch of things that people like. It's like a weird self preservation thing in it, or it's like, you know, they were hurt ones before and so now they're just not willing to cross over and have that living together arrangement. And so if you have some of those kind of reasons behind your long Distance, it's not a practical thing. It's more of like, like you said, like a self preservation comfort thing. When you then do have to or, or choose to move in together, that's going to be a tough transition.

Yeah, yeah, I agree. So definitely have a plan, be on the same page. And this is a time where, where we don't need to be subtle at all about our needs when it comes to commitment and where we see our life going. If you're in a committed, exclusive relationship with a man who lives further than I would say three hours from you, however it takes to get to one another, I would say it's time to be extremely clear about what it is that you want, where you see your life going and what level of commitment you're really looking for. This is not a time to play coy, like to see if he kind of comes around, let's be real with each other and get on the same page. And if that's uncomfortable him and he's not interested in that or vice versa, you're not interested in that, then I would not recommend getting involved because the distance not make the heart grow fonder actually requires much more work to keep it going, keep it alive. Which leads me to another. I'm sorry we're going to say.

I was going to. Because you just mentioned it, you said three hours. Is that like so I know one of the most common questions I get at least about this is like how, how far is too far? Like is that what you think is about three hours?

It, in my opinion, it depends on where you live. And so within Love Accelerator we are in with the little love steps. I'm pretty monstrous on this. I always say keep it within 60 minutes. Like if you're online dating and you can be intentional about your distance and then 60 minutes maximum or miles, however you want to put it, depends on where you live. And if you're in a major city, keep within 30, I mean really keep it as close as humanly possible. Now obviously again, there are certain scenarios. We had a client the other day, I think it was in Philadelphia maybe where you grew up, near the Amish or whatever. And it was a pretty far. It's a pretty far trip to any major area. Okay, fine, if it's got to be two, two hours, then it's got to be two hours of that situation. But usually the I've been doing this for long enough as a view to note is that most people live within a major city and they are creating these long distance situations because they don't believe that there are high value men locally. And so they're starting to look externally as if that's the solution to all their problems. And it tends to not be. It really does. It tends to not be. And so that's where we really recommend leaning into this process. And if for whatever reason we dive into it and find out, yes, it really is your location. Let's say you live in Eastern Kentucky and you happen to be just like this liberal intellectual who only wants to talk about, you know, the late the New York Times and the latest thing you read. Sorry, I'm really brushing with a Bryce stroke here. But let's say that's the case, then maybe it's time to consider moving. But I wouldn't recommend getting in a long distance relationship. I consider honestly just packing up and moving. And I've also had that conversation with some clients where it's like, okay, if you really feel this way and you really don't think that there are any men in your environment whatsoever that you can meet, then let's actually talk about relocating. Because what are we doing here?

Well, you know, if it's a priority, it's like, you know, what are you, what behaviors are you undertaking of optimizing for the outcome that you want? And if you, you want to find somebody and they're not, and they're really, really, really aren't where you're at, and that's got to be true.

Right.

Then, you know, you think about somewhere else that's going to make ultimately because you're first, you're pursuing fulfillment.

Right.

Do you want to find fulfillment? It may not be where you're living right now.

Right.

We've never been a more mobile society than we are right now, probably. So it's like it's a great time to consider going somewhere else.

Yeah, it's a great thing to do. And we have a few active clients right now I know for a fact who are mobile and they are. And I tell this to clients sometimes when they're considering relocating. Just don't relocate for men for certainly don't relocate for a man that you're not exclusive with. Okay. So not just a man. If you want to relocate for quality of men, I'm open to that idea, but I wouldn't move completely for that. I would get an Airbnb or a short term rental, live there for two months, you're single, like, go enjoy and try out these different places. That's assuming, of course, you are mobile, which a lot of our clients are and can do that.

Go try it out.

I, I had one client and God, it's bringing up so many different scenarios. But I remember she lived in California and she had this idea that Silicon Valley, I think it was like two hours from her. Silicon Valley is where all the guys.

Are that she wants to date.

And she's like, I can't get past it.

This is.

Those are the types of men. So I'm going to just keep traveling over there or haven't come to me. And kept getting herself in these long distance situations. I'm like, why don't you just get an Airbnb over there, see if you like it down there or wherever I should live. She's like, never thought about that. And she did it. She actually did it. And she liked it because she was wealthy, she had access. Like, I'm like, just go rent a place, check it out. You're single. What is there to lose? Start going to the local wineries or whatever it is that Silicon Valley people do, and go talk about tech and go find yourself a guy. There's probably plenty of engineers over there. And that's something I'm totally cool with.

Yeah. And I think that's smart. Right. It's like one of those things that people fall in this trap of like all or nothing thinking where it's like, I have to either live here or I have to live there. And it's like, no, no. Like there's this middle ground. It's like, go do a trial run. Like that airbnb thing is. That's, that's genius.

Yeah. Yeah. So I did that for a while. I was, I was always traveling. Like, I moved from Boston to New York. Oh, no, no. I actually did Boston to la. Discovered I did not jive with the LA style. I like la. Nothing against it, I like to visit, but it's just like, not incongruous to myself. And then I moved to New York and oh my God, that city ate me alive. Like I, you know, me and my sleep and I was not getting a lot of sleep over there and I.

Was like, I gotta go home, take.

You back to Boston. And I have elapses. So. But I, I definitely wasn't moving for a, a woman I was dating. I was just moving because I wanted to meet different types of people. I thought it was a great, great idea, which led me back to Boston. But anyways, one other, A few, I have a few other important points for those who are in long distance relationships or finding themselves situation. One important thing that I find myself talking About a lot is this idea of quality communication versus quantitative communication. Because I find that when people are long distance, we find that they're, they, the relationship doesn't exist unless they're in constant communication with each other. So that means texting every single morning throughout the day, at night, phone call right before bed or else all hell breaks loose. Many kind of touch points throughout the day. And what I tend to recommend is paring back on that because I think being on your phone in general is not a very healthy thing for many different reasons. You don't need to get into that. But also it's much healthier to have a good 30 minute FaceTime where you're actually building a connection and talking about the things that matter one time in the day than 25 touch points from social media, Snapchat, texting, yada yada yada, because you're actually getting to know that person and you're getting away from the fantasy and getting into real light and you can see if once again this thing is real or not.

I don't know.

I'm curious on your thoughts on that.

No, I, I think that's 100% right, is that you know, you have to make sure that your communication is going beyond like basic light buckbeef, like I'm in the line with the dmv, I'm stuck in another red light. Like it's gotta like, like that starts to feel like anxious and like we have to be in like you said that constant contact. And that's not how proximal relationships are.

Right?

And so like that's not the good parts of relationships. The good parts of relationships are like, maybe after the end of a long day you do have that quality 30 minute FaceTime and you ask, you know, how was your day? And you kind of like meet each other through those moments and, and so that way you get the best of both worlds, you have quality communication and you also get like a real life glimpse into what it would be like when you're living with that person in the same state. And generally speaking, and the research shows that the people who are in long distance relationships, and again they're in a long distance relationship, so obviously on some level they're making it work if we're in that relationship. Those relationships actually have better communication in many ways than people who are living in proximal relationships. Mainly because they have to like, you have to be a really good communicator if you're going to sustain a long distance relationship. Because we know like for weeks on time on end, like that's, that's what you have. Like you don't have those physical connection. It's something like an average data set. It was like an average of 20 days between times that people. Long distance relationship actually saw each other physically. So that's a lot of space. I mean that's, that's 19 days at a time. Stretches. Like it's just us over FaceTime or Zoom or what have you. And so you got to find other ways to make it work.

Yeah. Whereas like if you work at home with your wife and you see each other every single day at all times today.

Yeah.

Yes. Where you know, you're just like, all right, just go to go about your day. So that's interesting.

Yeah. Like we, we kind of think, you know, you have to be together. You have to be together and like there's pluses and minuses of everything. And so, you know, a couple of the other. Just real quick, some of the, the strength aspects of long distance relationships is that when you're in a long distance relationship, you have to prioritize emotional intimacy over physical intimacy. And so we know for long term, happy, fulfilling relationships, emotional intimacy is the bread and butter. That's the sustaining life force. And so if you're in a long distance relationship, you have, you have to prioritize through no real fault of your own. You just have to do it this way. Emotional intimacy that goes along.

Emotional intimacy like what do you define.

Social industry is like being able to share. It's like, you know, we're gonna have good communication and not be near each other. It can't just be like dumb stuff we did. It's gotta be like hopes and dreams and vulnerability and it's gotta be comfort and support and sacrifice. It's like all of those really we need like relationship things that we know are important, that those have to be there because, you know, when you live with somebody, you can just get by on the day to day of like, you know, Whole Foods was out of, you know, the organic bananas again. And like you can have 10 minute conversations about inane stuff that just kind of like gets you through the day and never actually talk about anything before.

Gary, I'm going to get into that.

With you from invulnerable. Is it about organic bananas?

I miss you. When are we getting together next? I want to hang out in person, have some man to man time. All right, so I'm calling you out. That's my, my vulnerable mind. When are we going to make it happen? All right, I'm Getting you to New York City sometime. I'm going to go there, you're going to come out for a night. It's going to be wild.

Perfect.

Bring your wife.

It'll be wild till about 7pm no, no, no, no.

I will stay out if it's New York City. Don't, don't you worry this weekend. I'll stay out. I'll stay out. If my sleep schedule gets so out of whack, like if I stay up to like three in the morning, then I can sleep really far in. The problem is if I go to bed at like 11, that's a bad one because then I'll still wake up at five and then I'm all messed up. So it's like either I go to bed at 9, I wake up to 5, or 4, 4, I live.

All right. I thought you were, I thought you were inviting me to New York for a wild Boston 7pm night that I just. We're not going to be able to handle.

That could be fun too. We could also just, hey, maybe, maybe go date picking. That's fine too.

I'm good for any time.

Oh my gosh. Any other good, good tidbits you get from your, from the research that you found?

Sure, yeah. I mean, I think just some, some practical things because some people, you know, you're going to find yourself in long distance relationships either for an extended period of time or maybe you know, just for a summer, you know, be a three month period. There, there are very practical ways to help make it work. The one thing is regular contact. And like we said, regular contact doesn't mean like every moment of every day. And it's not like 10,000 texts a day. But it's just you need, like you said, have a plan. Like have some regular schedule like oh, every night between 7 and 8, we're going to talk, we're going to do and that kind of thing. Make your long distance partner a part of your regular life. So they should know who your friends are. They should know who the people are. You know, if your friends are over, you know, introduce them. Like, hey everybody, like check out this is so and so like kind of bring them in, into your life as much as possible. Plan ahead, right? Like so something we know about experiences. Like, and experiences are so much more important than material things. But one of the things you really get out of a benefit of experience experience is you plan a trip for two weeks from now or you get to see your partner two weeks from now. You now have two weeks of anticipation leading up to it. So make sure you're doing those kinds of things like you should have planned. When you do see each other, try to have all of your mundane stuff done and out of the way so that the time when your partner and you are together, you're just actually enjoying each other. That's one of the big benefits of long distance relationship that you get to constantly date. And it's not like, sorry, I gotta do laundry. It's like, no, no, do laundry on Thursday if your partner's coming on Saturday. Um, and the last thing is there's a, a ton of. In preparation for this, I started doing like just a little bit of digging around about, like there's gotta be technology that helps with this stuff. And they're not a sponsor of this podcast though they absolutely should be and maybe will be soon. But there's this app called between that is essentially just a one to one conversation with you and your partner. Like videos, it's got a building countdown. It's texting and it's all the crap that you see people put on social media about their relationship that everyone just kind of like hates. No, but it's just between you and your part and it's like, hey babe, check out this thing. Or like this is us. Or like you can send like a goofy little thing and it's like, it's just you and your Carter and no one ever, no one has to be involved. I'm like, that's genius. So that's, that's at least one of them and there's a couple others, but they.

Oh, sorry, there's just one more.

Raid is this thing where you and your partner can watch like Netflix and other shows together. So like you can be like hundreds of miles apart, but like you can both sit down and like watch Ted Lasso together or whatever other show you're watching. Like that. It was big during the pandemic, but like it's. That's huge for long distance couple, for sure.

Yeah, we were recommending that during the pandemic, let me tell you, when we were coaching for that, however long that went on during the quarantine, that was one of the strategies we had for our clients when they go on first dates. Because there's all facetime, it's all zoom. We would have them watch a movie and it we got. Didn't really work very well. It was a tough time to date, let me tell you. Tough top time. But sure, we're past that.

You know how many like, you know in a long. Go ahead.

Sorry.

I was just gonna say, in a long term, established relationship, I, I think some of those things can work. Like there's other ones too, that it's like Gottman has a card deck where it's like you and your partner share. Like it's a bunch of prompts and activities that couples do together. Yeah, I think all that stuff's really, really weird with dating, but for long term relationships, you know, it's like we talk about all the time is like, what, what gets you together isn't what keeps you together and you kind of have to be good at both. And so, you know, there's different rules for dating and long term when it comes to long distance relationships.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, as always, it's nuanced and we're all over the map clearly on this. But I think, you know, to sum it up, my stance is if you're dating, do everything that you can in your power to date locally. But if you find yourself in a long distance relationship, which is. Can sometimes happen, even if you're being tension with your love life, be very intentional about your communication and how it is that you go about it, because if you aren't, it's going to fall apart real quick. I don't know. That's. Does that sum it up? What do you think?

Yeah, I think so. I think, you know, it's not a great way to start, but if it happens, there are definitely techniques and strategies to help you navigate that time. And in many ways it can be like, rather than a setback, it can be a secret to success for long term relationships. Um, again, because you're building a lot of emotional intimacy, which is what keeps you together long term.

Yeah. Amen. All right. I think we'll leave it at that. Gary, I'm gonna see you in New York City as soon as possible. We're gonna hang out and party. Or maybe I'll just come to the Dirty Jers.

I don't know.

You get wild. Yeah.

You come, come out to Central Jersey.

Do they call it the Dirty Jersey in Central Jersey or no?

They, they.

Do they call the Dirty Jersey anywhere or does that just make other people?

Probably do. But I, I'm actually not from Jersey, so I'm comfortable with it. But I, I know a lot of people that live here would not be comfortable with that.

I see. So that's offensive. Got it. Okay. A little crap probably. Well, on that note, thank you all so much. This is super fun. And we're here for in 10. All right, thanks, Gary. Bye. Bye.

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