The Year of Deb: A Client's Journey to Self-Love

So I stop. I said, let's just get a tree. It's the 13th. It's about that time. So I get the tree and I come back home to find him shoving garbage bags of clothes into the trunk of his car.

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast. So glad you decided to spend a little bit of your day here with us. I'm Dr. Gary Lewandowski. I'm the chief love scientist here at Love Strategies. Today we're going to do something just a little bit different. It's actually something I have been looking forward to since, since 2025 began. And it's something I know, I know you're going to enjoy this. You're going to love this. You're going to love who I'm talking to. And so one of the things I get to do in my role as the chief love scientist at Love Strategies is I'm responsible for making sure our clients get top notch science based relationship dating curriculum. The courses, the masterminds, any of the content that we send out is kind of my responsibility. And it's all to help make sure our clients are making progress towards their goals. And the way I look at it is I'm mainly a teacher. I'm also a university professor. And so in that role as a teacher, I know there's this weird phenomenon where if I, as the teacher tell somebody, blank is a good idea, you should do X, Y and Z. They'll kind of look at me and be like, okay, they want to believe me, like I'm credible and everything. Like, they want to believe me. But then if somebody else, like a fellow student or a fellow client says, you know what, he's right, you should absolutely do that. That worked for me. The light bulb goes off. It's like the sky opens up, sun, it's a sunny day. Now everything seems possible, everything seems amazing. And literally this just happened this week on A Mastermind. Somebody was feeling bad. They mentioned that they were crying because something with the app wasn't working out. And then afterwards on the Mastermind, I looked at in the comments and our guest today, I think I'm pretty sure it was you. Deb guest said, I was right where you were a couple months ago. Don't worry, you got this. And then they respond like, okay, because I don't know if they fully believed it when I said it, but when our guest today said it, they started to believe. And so what I thought was, let's bring just a little bit of that Mastermind magic to the podcast. And so in today's Special episode. What we're doing for the first time ever is I get. I'm interviewing one of our current clients. She's amazing. I'm not allowed to have favorites, but she's one of my favorites. Don't tell. And so, Deb, without further ado, our client, Deb.

Hi everyone. I'm Deb K. In the community. And I've been a member of the Love Strategies community for a little over two years now. And I continue with it because it just brings me so much joy and peace. It's something I look forward to and it's really made a huge change in my life as a teacher myself. I'm happy to do this because like Gary said, we, we like to help others and that's what I do. I'm retiring in June, so got us keep teaching somehow.

Well, we really, really appreciate it. So you feeling good? Ready to go?

I'm ready to go.

Can I ask you like, just like a weird person, like, you are so calm. Like I, I see you all the time and do you ever get nervous?

All the time.

But you have like, you're just like, I love like you have, you have lately, you have just like this calm to you.

Yeah. So I used to be really anxious. That was my attachment style, which I learned through the coursework. And I asked Gary all the time, how do I get more secure? I, I used to be secure. How do I get more secure? And what was Gary's answer? Everyone who's in the program is going to repeat this with me. What would a secure person do in every situation? Stop. Before you react, take a minute, think. What would a secure person do? And do that. And in the beginning it's not comfortable because you're not a secure person. And then eventually it, you don't even have to think. And that's just your natural way of doing, doing it.

Yeah, it's all about, it's all, it's all about building habits. Right. And it's, it's like you just said, it's tough at first because you've, you've start having like these well worn ruts almost that you're kind of getting stuck in it. But you're used to doing things a certain way. And so the first step is just kind of catching yourself and like, oh, I can feel it. I can feel the anxiety and the avoidance kind of bubbling up. What would a secure person doing? And then you just, after a while you stop needing to prompt yourself to do that and you just start doing it. Right.

And truthfully, in the Masterminds. When I hear women who are not in the program as long as I am, which is most of them, and I. I can actually hear myself in their voices, and I'm like, oh, my gosh, that was DEB 2022. Or that was DEB 2023, but it certainly wasn't DEB 2024, because we know what that was. The year of Deb.

The year of Deb. Oh, we are going to get to the year of Deb. But what I like that you just brought up that I would like to get to is kind of Deb from the past, because I've. I've been with Love Strategies for just about as long as you have. I think we almost started around the same time, and so I know quite a bit of your backstory, and there's a certain part of your backstory that has always just struck me as just like one of those epic kind of backstory moments in life that is one of those things that some people would take this experience and just completely go down a dark path, and other people would take this experience and rally from a place of strength. And I think, you know, probably it's clear to everybody that you did the latter. But can you take us back to your Christmas tree experience?

Yes. So I was married, and I had two children. They were two years old, two and a half and six and a half. And it was December 13th.

These days, you know, the exact day.

Oh, these days. It was a Sunday.

And a day that will live in infamy.

I went to. I said to my husband, I'm going to run to the store. And he said he couldn't watch the kids. And I said, it's not watching the kids. It's not babysitting. It's parenting. They're both playing. They're fine. And he was having, like, an anxious moment, so I said, okay, fine, kids, get in the. Get in the van. So my son, he. He's amazing. He loves his little sister so much. He. She gets into her car seat, and he makes sure she's buckled. He gets into his booster, makes sure he's buckled. And. And they go. We're buckled. And off we go. And going around the corner, we literally were supposed to be going to food shopping, but I saw Boy Scouts selling Christmas trees, and I like to support the Scouts. And this is long before my daughter was a Girl Scout, but so I stop. I said, let's just get a tree. It's the 13th. It's about that time. So I get the tree, and I come Back home to find him shoving garbage bags of clothes into the trunk of his car.

Right. And this was something you were never supposed to see. Right. Because you came home before he thought you were coming home.

Then half an hour, 20 minutes of leaving. Yeah.

Oh, so you are driving up to your house, Christmas tree attached, two little kids who are no doubt thrilled they got a Christmas tree.

Yep.

To find your now ex husband packing up his stuff and taking off.

Yeah. So I knew that his anxiety was increasing. In the previous months, we talked about a trial separation. So it wasn't like completely out there.

Right.

But nothing was supposed to happen before January. And here we are 12 days before Christmas.

Like, what a terrible time of year to have, like this. And what. This sounds like, weird to say, but what I like about this story is, I think, like, this is so many people. Like, we'll hear this and be like, this is the. The worst possible experience. Like, what a horror story. And so, like, what was going through your head at the moment?

My number one prior. Like I said, I'm a teacher. I'm a person who cares for children as, like my number one. Like, if you ask me what's the most important thing of your personality, that would be it more so than even myself. So my goal was just to make sure my kids were okay. Okay. And having been the child of divorce, and although my father and I don't always see eye to eye, I think one thing he did that was super was he maintained our routines and our lifestyle. So that was my immediate response, was, I'm going to maintain normalcy as much as possible. So he. I said, what are you doing? And he goes, I gotta go. And I could hear it in the. Like, he. He was really struggling. And I have a. I have a love and compassion for people like that too, you know, like, my pattern is to find people I can fix. So it. I used to be my pattern. I should say. Used to be.

Yeah.

So it no longer is. So I said, okay, can you just get. Help me get the tree in the stand before you go. Oh, yeah, sure. Okay. So I get the stand, I set it up, and he's talking to the kids. You know, daddy loves you. Mommy loves you. And I'm like, you know what? Let's stop with the drama. Daddy's got to go. We'll see him again soon. Trees in the stand. We still have to go food shopping. Let's go. And out the door we all went like it was nothing. And when we came back, they're like, where's Daddy? Go Remember, he said he had to go, he'll be back in a couple of days. We'll see him. And then they were like, okay. And then I said, you better call them every night. So there were times when he would forget to call them. And my daughter might be crying. And nothing's worse than a little blonde baby girl crying. Little Maggie Potts. So I would call him from the phone in the basement. And I can say this because my kids know this story now. They're old. And I'd say, hey, you know, Megan's really upset. She wants to hear from Daddy. And he's like, oh, put her on. I'm like, no, I'm going to hang up. You're going to call. I'm going to be too busy to answer the phone. My two and a half year old's going to answer the phone and say, yeah, it's Daddy. He's like, oh, okay, sure. And he has, to this day, thanked me for doing that. Like, he jokes that I'm his favorite ex wife. He does have four, so it does mean something.

So I was going to say, like, where do you rank? Is that like one of two or one of ten? Like one of four. That's. I mean, that's an accomplishment.

That is. I'm also the only one that gave him kids, so. So he does, you know, he appreciates that because he does still have a relationship with her and that kind of stuff. So he would call her. So that's how that all worked out. But I invited him to come for Christmas, which he did. And I've invited him for pretty much every holiday, you know, when he got married again and again and whatever. He didn't. But I thought the most important thing was to maintain a positive attitude about their father and about his love for them. And eventually they realized his shortcomings as he was told that he has ADHD and what else? And I said, listen, he might not be the dad you want, but he's the dad you have. And he's the best version of him that he can be for you. You can't love people for what you want them to be. You have to love them for who they are. And that was the big lesson.

And what a great lesson, right? And. And just what a great lesson it is just in terms of what you modeled for your kids in those moments, right? I mean, these are the kinds of experiences that somebody could justifiably get angry and it just, like it could. It could manifest itself in so many ugly ways. And instead you chose kindness and Compassion and, you know, for my kids.

Right.

And I was going to say, like, for the good of your kids, but it's like, how many people don't or aren't able to choose that path, right? It, It's. You got to give yourself a ton of credit because it's a, It's a tough thing to do. But wow, what a, What a gift to give your kids.

And I realized that my lack of reaction was kind of my childhood trauma response, you know, of just like, disregarding my feelings and trying to, you know, just keep everybody happy. My. My peacekeeper personality style and all that kind of stuff. So. But I'm. I realized also that I'm strong enough to do this on my own. I'm strong enough to raise two children to adulthood. I'm strong enough to get things done, you know, And, And I think a lot of the women in the program really are strong enough to do all that. But that would be better. Are strong enough to. To. To do all these things. But we, we just need to remember that we have the strength we have, like, because we're boss bitches and we're boss babes. How about that?

We got.

We're boss babes at the office. We get stuff done. My paperwork's almost always on time. You know, like I say almost because this year has not been good. And then, you know, like, we also, we manage behaviors at school or at their jobs or some of them are high profile positions in companies and whatnot. So we know how to get stuff done and we can do that on the home front, too. And that's what brings us to one of the problems most of us have, which is feminine energy and reminding ourselves that being feminine and letting someone care for us is actually stronger than trying to run the story. That was probably one of the biggest things I learned from Love Strategies.

So what do you, in your opinion? Because I always feel. Adam and I always talk about this is like, we feel weird as guys talking about feminine energy. Like, what is your take as a strong woman? Like, what is your cons? Like, how do you consider feminine energy?

Oh, I just think it's like remembering that you don't have to run the show. Right. And you know, like my grandmother, oh my gosh. She used to say, yeah, grandpa runs the house the way I tell him to.

There's a lot of grandpas out there that can empathize with those feelings, and.

That is an older generation. But those marriages lasted.

Sure.

Like, she would be home raising the kids. He'd be working. He'd give her his paycheck. I remember my father saying that after the divorce, he had to go into the bank. He had a problem. They wouldn't cash checks because it wasn't his signature. Because my mother had signed his signature so many times, they didn't recognize his.

Oh, my gosh. My grandmom with my grandpa is the exact same thing. And you want to, like, really, like, ironic. Yeah. So how it was, and what's ironic about it is like, men in those contexts are actually using their feminine energy, like they were stepping back to let the wise take control of certain areas of the household. And it's. I think that's what gets kind of mixed up sometimes with masculine feminine energy. It's like, because we label it by gender, it's really just a give and take.

Yes, right.

It's really. That's really what it comes down to is there's a give and a take. And, you know, when you spend your whole day and career being super successful, successful, and you're like, go, go, go. You're in charge of everything you're doing for everything, for everybody. It's like, well, there should be a moment where you get to be like, well, what. What about me? Like, when do. When does someone get to take care of me? Like, that's fair, right?

Yeah. Yeah. So for most of my adulthood, I would say up until about a year and a half ago, not even the full two years, I never had anyone take care of me. Like, I had surgery and my husband was in the car and they couldn't find him. And he's like, I'm on a work call. I'll get her when I'm done. Like, that was husband number two, not husband number one.

By the way, I adore your husband number two voice. That was great.

Thank you.

That's awesome.

You know, like, I'm so much more important than you, but, like, even still, like, I. I had friends that would come and bring food to my kids because we weren't. We didn't know if he'd come back from work to cook dinner, you know, just get me through. But that's why, you know, your network of girlfriends are so important. And I think even after you're in a relationship, the problem that you have when you have the lifestyle I had was you're used to making all the plans. Women are definitely planners, more so more often than men. I'm not going to say in general, but, you know, some men are very, you know, like, they're just more organized in general. Some are a total Mess. Don't get me wrong, we do have Hot Mess Express nights on the Mastermind after parties. And this I'm Hot Mess Express tonight. All right, we got you. What do you need? You know, and we're all, however many of us are there, all pitching and giving our perspective, and we're all saying the same thing from a different way. And it really helps.

I love it.

So I've been the Hot Mess Express myself. So for feminine energy, like some people think it means, like being flirty or feigning lack of ability and things like that. It's not that at all to me. To me, it's allowing the man to step up. So, like, in my dating life, you know, I would the. The guy, I would reach out on the apps, as they teach us, and then when it comes time to trade phone numbers, the guy's like, oh, well, here's my number. And I say, oh, thank you so much. Here's mine. I'm a little old fashioned. I prefer that the gentleman initiate the conversations. Oh, sure. And I stepped into my feminine energy and what I really did was kind of masculine in a backward way.

Yeah.

Like I was controlling the situation in a degree to. I feel more comfortable if you reach out to me. And part of the reason I did that is because Adam was pretty clear about it. And part of it is because I know my history.

Right.

And I would be that anxious person that had to reach out or I might become that person that reached out too much and be that annoying girl that they never call back, that they ghost or whatever because she was being a pest. So in order to not be a pest, I pulled myself out of it. And once you say something, you're going to do something out loud to somebody else, you're kind of more accountable to doing it. So I really, I still to that to this day do that.

Yeah. And a big part of that too is being comfortable with a boundary in the sense that, you know, it's like, oh, you know, I've heard clients say, I don't want to say that to him. I don't want to force him to have to call me. It's like, you're not forcing him to do anything. You're just being clear that you're not going to call him. And so if he wants this to continue, he needs to, as in your words, step up, do. Do what he needs to do to show interest. Because if you don't do, if you don't give guys enough space to step up, you can start this pattern. In relationships where you're just constantly dragging this guy through the relationship and he'll come along because he doesn't have anything else to do, but you don't know if he really wants to be along. Like, you want to volunteer. You don't want a hostage in your relationship.

Right? I love when you say that. I want to volunteer, not a hostage.

Yes. Like, you know, he's got to willingly be in this. And. And how do you know he's willing to be in it? Because he steps up. Like, he actually does some things. So.

And as you guys both say, they have to earn a spot in your life. Not in a disrespectful way, but women are so quick to like, well, he didn't call yet. What does that mean? It means he didn't call.

Right.

Stop making meaning about things that don't have any meaning. For starters and for seconds. If he wants to, he will.

Right.

I literally put that in a post it note on my mirror in the bathroom. If he wants to, he will. Right. And so if a guy I was talking to on the app, I gave him my number, he never called me. I didn't worry about it because if he wanted to, he would. If he doesn't want to, then he's not my guy.

Right. Well, because on some level, why. Why is he not calling? Well, I mean, it could be a million things, and most of the time it has absolutely nothing to do with you. But if it does have something to do with you, really, the. All it means is he did a little assessment. He decided you two weren't compatible, and so he stopped calling. And you know what?

Great.

It's a. Right. Right.

Because you saved me time.

Who wants to be with somebody who they're not compatible with? Literally no one. And so it takes two people to be compatible. So if he doesn't think you're compatible, perfect. You just saved months, maybe years of a whole bunch of drama and anxiety. And so thank you.

And I think one of my little love sisters said, and I want to say it was Tracy, but I'm not certain rejection is protection. When they reject you, you are protected from their BS and playing this cat and mouse, push me, pull me game. The game is over.

Yeah. And I. What I think is interesting about rejection is everyone kind of takes it in this negative connotation.

Right.

This guy stopped texting me or whatever. He didn't contact me after a date I thought was great. And it's like, oh, I was rejected. Well, no, because it's entirely possible. It's particularly if you're out there dating. How we suggest to our clients to date is if you're being clear about who you are and you're clear about what you're looking for. He could have just decided, like, oh, my gosh, she's looking for something real.

She's way more than I want.

Yeah. More. Yeah. She's looking for something real. That's not what I want. So he just kind of like shrinks back into the shadows and disappears himself. And it's like, talk about a gift. Like, that's. You let those guys next to themselves, like, bye.

I remember the first time I said, oh, so this guy, he just never called back. And then this one, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, he just nexted himself. And you were like, I love that.

And it's like they next themselves. And it's perfect because again, we. We just. We want to spend our time with people who want to spend their time with us. And let's not, let's not force it, because even if you convince somebody to stick around, you're not actually really going to be happy with that because you're always going to wonder, are they here.

Because they want to?

Right.

Are they here because it's easier than doing nothing? It's. It's like doing nothing.

Right, Right. And that's what I mean. You don't want to drag them through it.

Yeah. And doing nothing is still a choice if they choose to stick around and just be with you. And it's, you know, they're, they're just being lazy and you're running the. Driving the bus, like that's, that's not fulfilling to me.

Yeah. And that's certainly not the kind of relationship I think most people want. Most people settle for that kind of relationship, but it's. It's not what they want a lot. So. Speaking of settling in back a little bit, you mentioned your second marriage. So can you. You comfortable sharing? I. I know we already heard his voice. We heard that piece. So, like, how did, how did you find yourself in that? And then out of that.

So he and I became friends. And we would talk on the phone for hours and hours and hours. And I thought that just meant the world. We could only really meet once a week, which is odd because that was back in the late 90s, early 2000s, and, you know, I didn't know anything about love strategies and their way of, you know, place pacing things, but because my kids only went with their father like once every other week for the day, I had them 99% of the time. So I said, well, I could see without my kids or whatever, we felt like we were really good friends. But as I look back, because I journal a lot, and that's helped me a lot through all of my growth, he was kind of bulldozing, I think is the phrase. We talked a lot, but actually, I listened a lot. He was mostly talking. And I know a lot of women say, oh, men, they don't talk. They don't talk. Beware of the man who talks too much because he doesn't care what you have to say. Right. You need a balance. Everything in life has to be balanced. And I just fell right into that because I was like, oh, cool, I won't be alone. I went. I had that scarcity mindset, which is the most dangerous mindset I've ever experienced, and I experienced it for years, so.

And so what is that?

That scarcity mindset? Like, if I don't marry this guy, I'll have nobody, and I'll be a single mom forever.

Oh, yeah, right. Like, there's just.

I don't want to end up there alone. Like, I'll take anything. Yeah, I'll just take anything. Like, ending up alone is, like, the worst thing right now. I'm like, oh, whatever. If I do, I do.

Right?

Because quite honestly, I have some great friends. My kids are awesome. I have a great life. I have tons of hobbies. I have my love strategy sisters, and you, Gary. So, yeah, so it's just like that whole scarcity. Like, I don't want to be left alone. Like, you're. As an adult, it's harder to meet people. Like, you know, I met people in high school. I met people in college. Like, how do you meet people now as an adult? Like, this is hard, and. And it's scary and all these other things, and there's fears of all these different things that don't necessarily matter. Like, the more you become good with just being you, the less scary it gets. Because if I'm alone, I'm alone, right? And I can walk into the gym and smile at people when I was over £200, and when I'm what I weigh now, and I was still getting smiles back. So it's not a matter of how you look. It's a matter of your mindset. Where is your head at? Are you realizing that you, as Adam says, are the prize? Right? Yeah. Learning that was huge. Hearing it every time we have a mastermind is so important. And people like, oh, he always says the same thing at the end. And. Yeah. Because if you hear it enough times, you'll believe it. It's like telling your kids that they're wonderful. Eventually they're going to believe they're wonderful. It's going to build their self esteem. So keep telling us that we're the prize because the more you hear it, the more you believe it.

Well, it's like in a really, in a long term relationship, like you don't stop telling your partner you love them.

Right, Right.

It's just like there's just something affirming about a lot of these things. You know, the important stuff is worth repeating in life. Right. Like it's like we don't have to be stingy about certain things. And telling people you love them, telling, remembering that you're the prize. Those are certainly two of those things.

And so no one's, no one's ever, you know, been on their deathbed and said, oh, I said I love you too much.

Right.

And I wish I said it more.

Right.

So say your feelings, get it out there.

What I like about what you just shared is this idea of mindset and confidence. And you kind of said a couple times, like, I'd be perfectly fine on my own. And I know to some people listening are like, well, wait a second, I don't, I don't want to be alone. And so I know that that from you comes from this place. And it very much ties into something you mentioned earlier, which is the year of Deb. So can you tell us like what was it was is the year of Deb.

It's always going to be.

I love it. So what is this?

This is the year of Deb. Continued. Welcome to 2025. So in 2023, I was still battling that scarcity and being afraid to be alone and looking for familiar, which if you're really looking for a change, you need to stop looking at familiar as comfortable and you need to look at familiar for what it really is. And there was something extremely uncomfortable when in my second marriage, just to kind of pull you forward, I was more lonely being married than when he left. And I was literally alone with two kids in this house. I had been alone with two kids in this house before and I'll be alone with two kids in this house after and eventually I'll be alone in this house without kids. I don't know if that's ever going to happen, but eventually it might happen. So you never know. And the common denominator is always me and no one makes me happy. That's a choice I have to make. It Comes from within. After doing a lot of reading some books, one of them is yours. Stronger than you think background there. Another one was attached. There's actually. I could actually make a whole list of books. So whatever. A bunch of books. I started journaling. So I would read like one chapter of a book, and then I would journal my thoughts about it. And then the next day I'd look at it and be like, ooh, and this too. So I really, truly devoured these books and these thoughts and these concepts, which is what I also did with the Love Steps. And toward the fall of 2023, I met someone. Thought he was a great person and he truly is hot mess express, but a really nice person. And it was one of those situations where it was very exciting, very exciting, which was exhausting. But that used to be super fun. I used to think that was fun. And then I started to realize, no, this is just exhausting emotionally. And I care for this person, but I'm a mess. I'm not my best self. So when that ended, as it should. That's a Gary ism. Anyone who doesn't know what's the phrase.

Again, Good, great relationships seldom fail, but bad ones do. As they should.

As they should. So that one failed, as it should. And I don't even consider it a failure, actually, it ended. I'm gonna say that. As it should.

I like that, by the way.

It wasn't a failure at all. I learned so much in those three or four months that I dated that person. Like, what an absolute doll. Sweet guy, handsome gentleman, treated me very well. Like, you know, held the door for me. I don't know about you ladies, but that hand on your lower back, forget it. I'm melting. It's just the sweetest, most attractive thing a guy can do is, like, you know, act like he's taking care of you and. And in the same breath say, I know you don't need me to hold this door for you, but do you mind if I hold this door for you? Okay. So great, great person. He just wasn't my person for various reasons. So I. After that ended, I was in a quandary, and I said, you know what? I need to become the person I want to date. Gary and Adam say it all the time. Become the person you want to date. Become the best version of you. So I did a lot of things. I did a women's book group, which was on self growth. I read more books and blah, blah, blah, journaling, journaling, journaling. I redid the love steps. I don't even know how many times, but I pretty much memorized some of them. And the one that I always go back to, and I tell all of our new clients who are struggling, they're like, oh, I went through all the steps in two weeks. I'm like, yeah, you didn't digest half.

Of that, but there's a lot in there.

Yeah. I'm like, so go back to step one and do 1.1 on Monday, 1.2 on Tuesday. Really get into finding you your beliefs, your strategies, your mindsets, and your sexy confidence. Those first two weeks are so, so important because once you know you. You know what you want, we all say, we want this relationship where we do everything together. And then you have it, and you're like, oh, my God, I need a minute to myself. So then you start to really realize, okay, what do I really want? And once you start to develop that love vision and the truth of what you really, really want, not just what you want because it was in a Disney movie, but because what you really want, you know what you want. It's not. Your life is not a rom com. And Gary and I both have these conversations about now that I know so much about attachment. I can't watch a rom com without diagnosing their attachment styles. It's true. Like, you think, oh, that was the most beautiful thing. No, no, it really was horrible. It was really horrible. Like, the beast had to lock up your father so that you're going to date him and then he could become a prince. No, be the prince first. I'm not your princess. Unless you're already a prince. So these are the things. Like, you have to retrain yourself to realize Disney. And you know rom coms are not real. And I know you like the movie the Notebook, but that's a horrible movie.

Yeah, amen to that.

So many women love that movie. But that drama is that. That's the thing that we all think is fun, and it's exhausting. Pet's not fun.

And it leads down a path. It's a bad path.

It's a bad path. I want to sit on a couch with someone, say nothing for three hours, and have a great time.

Right?

That's. That's boring and it's awesome at the same time. So I forgot what the question was. I'm sorry. I got a little off.

No, you're. You're. No, no, you're. You're. You've got a dead on, which is the year of Deb. Like, what?

All right, the year of Deb. So Moving forward. I was still on an app, and then I was like, you know what? I'm not getting really good hits on this app. I'm getting, like, low hanging fruit. You know, like, they're sending stuff like, you know, you exchange phone numbers, and then they text you. The first thing they text you is an inappropriate picture, and they're like, hey, what do you think? And these. This is one of the debisms that I think you like. Well, I guess it's nice. I mean, I've seen better, but it's all right. And then they write back, well, don't you want to meet me? Well, I don't really need to meet you now. I've seen everything. There's nothing left to surprise me. But I wish you well.

It's great.

That goes with my favorite debism. Never wish a man the best because he already had it and blew it. Just wish him well.

What I love about these. These kinds of things is it's so much of what we emphasize as important, which is it comes from comfort with yourself, knowing who you are as a person and authentically liking you for you. Right? Like, that's what the year of Deb to me, was, is always about. It's like taking the time. Not. It's not about dating. Dating comes second. First thing first is becoming comfortable with yourself. Authentic, true confidence. And then, weirdly, the rest just kind of happens, right?

It does. It does.

So did it happen? It happened for you?

Do I get up to that part now?

Let's. Yeah, let's.

Let me do the love sisters first.

Okay.

So through this program, I met some amazing, amazing women. Shout out to my little love sisters. We became friends and had been chatting over zoom for probably six months. And then we met in person in Connecticut. Tracy, Andrea, and I. And none of us had met in person before. So Tracy and I wanted to get tattoos. Andrea wasn't into it, but she sat with us, and they do a transfer. Like, so first they make the tattoo, and then they do a transfer, and then they, you know, they stencil it, so to speak, on your arm, and then they put the ink on. So trace, I did, then Tracy did, and then they just did the stencil on Andrea.

I was close enough. That was. That was as far as she was going.

And our tattoo says, believe in yourself.

I remember getting the picture when you.

Guys did this and we did this together. It was the first time we had met in person.

That's amazing.

And we. We already were sisters. Like, I actually told my therapist Tracy's like, my second self. Like, it's not a joke. We. Even our daughters, they. The drama that goes on with them is similar. My daughter's older than hers, but I'm a little older than her. Just so many things. Our parenting style, our manners, mannerisms. Like, we both can't go to sleep with a sink full of dishes. Like, silly stuff.

Sure.

So I was like, you know what? Between her and all my Boston girls, I. I almost, like, want to move to Boston because that's where all my closest friends are. But we have so much more in common because of this program. And then one day I came to me, I said, we followed the program. They're like, what do you mean? That's how we created this great relationship called our friendship. They're like, gohan. And I'm like, consistency over time. I see you ladies on zoom two to three days a week for the last six months. We text. In between, we truly care about one another. When one of us is having a difficult time, whether it's selling your house, your love sisters all come and help you pack. If you're, you know, having a medical situation, your love sisters are texting you and hopefully annoying you to send you their love and prayers. Although she said it's not annoying her. We. A daughter has a hard time. We're all there. A few of us got together and went to the botanical gardens in Boston, and we took pictures of each other and pictures together. And I'm like, oh, you should put this on your dating profile. This is a great picture. Wait. And I'm setting them up. And, like, we had such a good time. It was so much fun, but we were. We're sisters. Like, we truly are sisters in the closest meaning of the word, without blood.

And, like, how nice to have just a support network of people who are like you, who understand where you're at in life and how you're approaching life and have this perspective of personal growth and development and improvement and learning and just empowerment, right? It's like. It's a weird thing to say, but not everybody is pro quiet growth and empowerment.

And so the second time I met Andrea, I stayed at her house, right?

And it's like. It's like a weird thing. Like, once you find your people, you find, you know, your tribe is your vibe kind of thing, right?

Yeah. Oh, I like that vibe. I'm gonna use that now. I'm gonna steal a Garyism and be another tattoo, maybe. So I. Yeah, there you go. So I stayed at Andrea's, and we went to Botanical Gardens. Tracy was there. And that's when I got to meet Lana. I had already met Darlene, I think, once before at a comedy event that she and Andrea were doing because they are now comedians. Sherry. I met Sherry. Oh, the botanical garden actually was when we went to stay with. I stayed with Tracy that time.

Okay.

And the time. The time at the botanical garden was also when we went to the Cheers place. Tracy, I mean, Andrea, Darlene and I, that was fun. But we went to. I stayed at Tracy's. We were helping her pack. And when Billy from Canada heard that I was coming down, she's like, I'm going to get in the car and come. And she drove down. And I had never met Billy in person, but I woke up next to her because we were sharing the spare bedroom.

That's awesome.

Size bed. But we wake up and she goes, morning tap. I'm like, good morning, so nice to meet you in person. And it just. It was just. It was so comfortable and even just like three women sharing Tracy's house with her daughter and the bathroom. And our routines just fit together. Like, that's when you know you have your people. And Andrea came over and we did paint night, and Darlene came over and we. It was just like, so good. And then when we went to the botanical garden, we, Lana and Sherry were there too. So all of us were there. And Sherry ran the marathon, the Boston Marathon, and all the girls were there. And I couldn't because I was. I had to work because I think it was a Sunday, and there's no way I would have made it back with the ferry and whatnot. So they had me on FaceTime so I could be there.

That's awesome.

Those friendships really got me ready. So at this time, we're at Tracy's house preparing to help her pack, which we didn't do a lot of, but we had a lot of fun. I packed a lot of wine in my belly, and Andrea asked me, what do you mean no guys live near you? And that's one of those limiting beliefs that held us back. And I said, well, it. It's just like the guys I match with on these dating sites all live in Connecticut. I have to take a ferry, and I don't want to do a ferry or a bridge or a tunnel or whatnot.

Yeah, it's like a geographical quirk of Long Island.

Yes. But literally, if you live in certain parts of Connecticut, you're exactly 30 miles from my house. Right, but it's a two hour drive. By the time you drive, get on the ferry and then drive. It's. I mean, it's wonderful trip. Like, the ferry is beautiful. They have a bar on there. It's relaxing, but it's not exactly, you know, built for long term relationships from my perspective. Right.

Yeah.

So I open up my. Can I say the name of the app?

Sure.

I open up my eharmony app. And I didn't get a lot of hits on eharmony, but the ones I got were quality. They better matched than other sites. And I said, see, there's a. Oh, look, it says new here. And I see this guy. I'm like, oh, let me check him out. And we liked each other's pictures right there. And. And Andrew's like, I thought he said no one lives online. I'm like, I know this guy lives on Long Island.

Who knew?

So I am now, four months later, still dating him.

That's awesome.

But it was all because Andrea said, show me, show me. And I showed her all the others and they all were like, you know, Stonington, I think it's called. And all these other, you know, lime and whatever.

Sometimes that's all you need, right? You just need somebody that's close enough to you to push you and say, like, no, really, like, look, like, try. Right.

Just wanted to see, like, what is it? Like, let me see your profile. Is it something like. I'm like, no, it's. The app is matching us and they all live in Connecticut. I literally thought this one town in Connecticut was full of single men my age. Like, that I should just move there and walk around, go to Dunkin Donuts, go to Starbucks. And I couldn't walk two steps without bumping into a guy because that's how many of them I got from this one town.

It's just like this amazing place full of just single guys they're just dying to date. Right?

It's like, exactly.

That's awesome.

Well.

Well, Deb, this has been amazing. And I know, like, we have. We had a few things we. We said we were going to talk about that. We just don't have time to talk about this time. But I think this just means we're gonna have to have you back.

I would love to.

Like, this is. I just. I want everyone to just appreciate. And there's. There's one point I do want to make in here that just to kind of follow up on a piece of your story that I think is important. The guy that you were talking about, the hand on the lower back guy, that was like, amazing. I remember when you went through that. And at the time, like, now you're reflecting on it, very positive, exactly the right way to reflect back. But I, I think you'd be comfortable with me sharing that when it happened, you, it was not that clear and it was a little upsetting and it was like, because I think sometimes when we retell stories, it sounds like, oh, it was always clear that it was a good thing. And it's like, and I think it's so important for people listening to this to know, like, if you're going through the dark times, right. For lack of a better term, when it's like, it's something you thought was going to work, didn't work and like, you start like doubting yourself and blaming yourself and thinking, oh my gosh, I'm going to be single forever, I'm going to die alone. Like, there's all these like thoughts that come into your head. It's hard to remember when those things are happening that, no, no, this is, this is a stop, it's not a stay. Right? And this is just one part of the journey and there's, there's much more to come. And I think debate with all of you share from the Christmas tree to everything else, I think that really is the take home lesson I would love for everyone to take from this is it can be rough at times, but it's like, what do you do when things get tough? And you know, the year of Deb, it's clear you leaned into learning, connecting with other people and just doing whatever it took to find your path. And with the help of your little love sisters, it sounds like you did so.

You too, Gary.

Well, thank you.

I did the old control alt delete on life in general and I did recluse myself a little bit to just focus on myself and I wasn't going out and you know, it wasn't that awful when you realized you're pretty cool to hang out with.

And, and so much of that is the key. And Deb, I just got to say, you are pretty cool to hang out with. I've immensely enjoyed hanging out with you for this podcast. We're gonna have you back because I know there are more debisms, there is more knowledge and experience and things that.

I think our listeners even get to the debrief book.

I know there's so much. We'll leave, we'll leave it as a cliffhanger. But thank you, Deb.

Until next time, everyone.

Yeah, thank you. It was a pleasure hanging out with you and let's do this again. Soon. Okay.

Okay. Thanks so much.

So now you've reached the end of the podcast. Thank you so much for being here. And because you have proven that you are serious about attracting love, you wouldn't be listening to this podcast if you didn't feel that way. What I'd love for you to do is go to loveapply.com where you can apply for a complimentary love strategy session, where a professional love strategist on my team is going to speak with you directly and be able to see whether or not our executive love coaching program programs can be transformational for you and your love life. There's absolutely no fee whatsoever. All you got to do is head on over to loveapply.com schedule that session, and you could be speaking with someone on my team over the next couple days. All right, thanks so much. Talk to you soon.

Bye. Bye.