Unlock Your Attraction Archetype: What It Says About You and How You Date

All right, in today's podcast, we are going to be discussing what we call your attraction archetype. And once you understand your attraction archetype, you're going to finally understand why it is you continue to repeat patterns over and over and over in your love life. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else back by science, psychology and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. Gary, we've been talking before this podcast started a lot about how it is that we're going to approach this and I would love for you to kick things off, man, lead us through it.

All right, so you're listening to this podcast because you love two things, psychology and relationships, right? And so we do too. And so if you're like us, when you see those quizzes that are Online, they're on TikTok or they're Instagram Cosmo quizzes about, hey, fill out these couple of questions and see what you're like. You fill them out. But you also kind of know that some of those quizzes. And I am, I will admit the Cosmo quizzes I find kind of terrible. They're not the best, but it's.

Come on, dude, you're such a Cosmo quizzer. I can see you doing it.

You do it right. But it could like you're just kind of cure like everyone likes to learn a little something about themselves, right? And so I like to know which.

Type of Harry Potter character I am.

You're such a Gryffindor. I and I say that I know nothing about Harry Potter, but I just, I always. That word sounds funny to me. So it sticks out as a Gryffindor, I don't know. So I think it's. We also there's something like this in relationships that pseudo scientific which is love languages. And that's what we were actually talking about before this is a while back we did a podcast about love languages and what the science says and a couple people who are really big fans of love languages didn't like that. We said the science wasn't quite there to support it. And so this was a while ago and then it was after that, we started talking between the two of us, of like, what if we could do something sort of like that, but data based. Right. And it's like I said, Adam, like, do we have data that we could use to help figure out what are some of the patterns that people like our listeners, our clients, like, what, what are the common issues? And maybe they fall into groupings that make sense. And I was like, yeah, we got data, buddy.

Dude, I got data for you. What's crazy is because we have been an executive love coaching company for well over 12, 13 years now, we have application data from everyone who's ever wanted to work with us over the past decade. So we looked, we have 46,000 women outlining their biggest fears, desires, what they really want in relationships and where they're really struggling. And so we were able to take a real hard look at it. This, run a hard data analysis with Gary. He put on those glasses and he made things happen with his data nerd side. And we were able to really develop these four different attraction archetypes. And it has really become somewhat of a cornerstone here at Love Strategies. And we'd love to share with you these four different attraction archetypes. And you're really going to fall into one of these four archetypes. And of course, we recommend taking the quiz. You can take that at Attraction type. Com. We'll also leave a link in the description. But by understanding each of the four, there's actually a key lesson that you can learn from each of these. That regardless if it's not your attraction archetype, there's still a lesson to be learned. So we wanted to be able to share this all with you.

Yeah. And so, you know what I love about this is this gives us a tremendous, unfair, fair advantage over these Cosmo quizzes. Because what we are basing this on are actual real life people. And not just a handful, not just a couple people. We know when he took, when Adam said he had 46,000 of these, like, the data nerd in me was a little too excited perhaps. It's like, that's a lot of data. And so, you know, you can really start finding some of these patterns. And I think patterns in dating are super important because you can start falling into this sense of, is it me? Am I the problem here? Why do I keep having all these certain types of experiences? Like, why am I stuck? And so with all this data and these four attraction archetypes, you're going to learn you're one of these patterns. You're not alone. Like everyone's got a type. And it's. So it helps you understand kind of where you're coming from. And that's important because I think what a lot of what we see with our clients in particular is when they come to us is you feel a little stuck, you feel a little lost, you feel a little confused and chaotic and adrift and all that kind of stuff. And the first step always, when you feel that way, is to build a little foundation with a little bit of information. And so the good news is we've got lots of information, and so we're going to share just a little bit about what each of these attraction archetypes are. A little bit of, you know, some clients that, you know, fit into these types to give you a little bit of a flavor for it. But, you know, we also recognize we're not going to beat this to death, because we know that until you take it yourself, it's like you're. You're just going to sit here wondering what, what your type is. So maybe you could, you want to do that right away, Hit pause on this. Go take, figure out what your type is. But we're going to launch into it nonetheless.

Yeah, it's wild. When we first started developing this is about eight months ago, maybe even a year ago, when we first started talking about this, I was so curious, what was my attraction archetype? And Gary, it turns out we are actually both the same attraction archetype. Ain't that true, brother?

It is true. And, you know, we're not ladies. We're, you know, and we, we base.

This.

For the record, but it's like, you know, all this information was based on female clients. And so. But we took it anyway, and we did both end up to be the exact same thing. Before we get into that, can I, can I, like, nerd out for just a minute? Like a, like a 60 second kind of thing?

Yeah, 60 second nerd out. So we'll lift you up here.

All right. All right. So get your, get your nerd glasses out. So we had this huge data set, right? We had 46,000 plus people from 10 years. So what we were asking people, what Adam was asking people this entire time are like, what are your challenges? What are your concerns? What do you need to work on? And also, what are your fears? Now this was all anonymous, completely anonymous data, all in this huge spreadsheet, which is amazing. And so we did a little data analysis. Now, the official name for this is basically, it's a content analysis where you put a bunch of things together. And you let the computer kind of do its computer thing and find themes, and then you start to see if these themes are unique, do they overlap. And so we extracted some consistent patterns. And this is the great. No, this is. You know, I'm also in another part of my life, a professor of psychology, and I teach statistics. I textbook on statistics. But anyway, so it's like this was like my bread and butter. Like, this is like this. You take a bunch of chaotic, messy stuff, and you synthesize it, you put it all together, you use stats, and it comes out with, like, clarity. And this is what stats, at its basis is all about, is taking chaos and turning into clarity. And so that's what we were able to do. Was that too bad? I don't know if that was 60 seconds. Was that too nerdy? Is that.

All right, you still got me. I'm still with you. All right, I'm still with you. But what. What we have here is four different types. So we have the nurturer, we have the visionary, we have the romantic, and we have the phoenix. And Gary and I. Shall I share which one we are?

Go for it.

Gary and I are both the nurturer, which is the very first one we're going to discuss, because that's actually the majority. Not the majority. That is the highest percentage of people actually fall into the nurturer category. So, Gary, you want to walk us through that one and maybe some lessons we have to. We can learn?

Yeah. So the nurturer is somebody who's deeply caring, selfless, supportive. They're all about trying to make other people happy. Um, now that all that's great. Right. But then a lot of these come from, you know, these, These types are also born of the challenges. And so some of the challenges is putting other people first, prioritizing other people before yourself, having weak boundaries. And this can allow you to lose yourself a little bit in the relationship. One of our current clients. I should always think of the. The pseudonyms before I start going into a client's story. But it's. We'll call her Barbie. It's definitely not her name.

Going to say Barb.

Such an easy one to go because we don't have any clients at the moment named Barb that I can think. Right. So it's. It's an easy one. She is the. One of the most generous people I think I have ever met in my life. Right.

We.

We had a live event, and at this live event, it's. It's. People are coming. Our clients are coming to this to learn from us. And if anything, Adam and I are in a giving state where it's like we're giving information and support and, and all this stuff. And she brought stuff for us, right? She brought gifts. And not just like one or two, like a ton, A ton of. And she is the sweetest, kindest, like just like wrap your arms around her warm hug, like just amazing. But also it leaves her a little vulnerable to being taken advantage of by scammers, guys who don't have her best interests at heart, but only have their own best interests at heart. Because she is the type of person who will see the best in everybody. And so in her past, she has fallen prey to the, you know, the narcissistic types of guys, the guys who would constantly promise commitment only to actually never really intend commitment. And so once you start realizing, once she starts realizing that this is her type and we, and we have a lot more information that I'll just say we're not sharing because it, it would get tedious and boring over a podc. Once you start fully understanding everything that goes into your type, you start having you, you just can't help but saying, oh, oh. And it's like these constant light bulb aha moments and you start seeing it. And it's like once you see the pattern, you can't unsee the pattern. And that's like anything else. The first step is education. And then we help move towards implementation.

Amen. And I think as a nurturer, one of the things I will tell our clients, and I can relate to this, just maybe the wording doesn't apply to me as a heterosexual male, is never invest more in a man than he's investing in you. And that is really true, especially when you are dating so early on in relationships, if you're finding that you're the type of person who is constantly giving and hoping that the more that you give, the more you're going to receive, then it's time to take a hard look at that pattern and realize perhaps by your over giving, you're actually causing him to invest less and less in the relationship. So that's why with our clients we're always repeating that, that saying, never invest more in a man than he's investing in you. And I will say, in my relationships previous to Jessica, I will say that I was always the type who just loved to think ahead and care for the person I was with. Even way too early. Like I was just such, I don't know, man. I've always Been lover. There's a reason why I'm a dating coach. And I think the same reason for you is just like we love to give, we love to support. We're both coaches. But it can lead us to into the arms of people who definitely take advantage of that. So if that sounds like you, just remember that one saying, gary, why don't you take us to the next one, which is the visionary.

The visionary is super unique in the sense that this is a small percentage of people. But I would say I, I consider this one of our bread and butter areas in the sense that when I look at our clients, we really specialize in this type of client. This is this type of client who, strong, independent, usually very successful, maybe has put career first instead of love first. Confident, leadership, strategic thinker, very intellectual, very smart. And again, this is not a group, it's not a highly common group, but it's a very common group for us. And one of the things that folks who are visionaries struggle with is just leaving the work self at work. Right? Like you can't take your work self out. And so some of it is struggling with vulnerability, struggling with being open. It's being just a little too masculine, frankly, scaring some guys off. And the pain of this is just that these women that we work with have fallen in this category desperately are looking for someone to share. They have an amazing life. They're desperately looking for someone to share it with. But it's just been really hard to find that guy who frankly doesn't get scared off.

And so did you remember one of the first visionaries? I mean, we didn't call it a visionary back then, but one of the first visionaries I ever worked with. And let me tell you, she was terrifying. Like, she would come to our back when I was doing a lot of one on one coaching and she would tell me what I needed to coach her on and she would be running the session. And you know, it was, it was so, I guess really off putting for me because I just hadn't experienced that before. But what I learned over time is that she was very hard on the outside, but once I cracked through that shell, oh my God, was she soft and gooey and wonderful on the inside? And it was really understanding that. And I mean, look, I would say that I am a nurturer as a starting point, but a visionary as a second level if there was to be one. I kind of fall into, you know, both of those categories in some way, but I'm definitely more of a nurturer. But what I would say is that the, the key to finding success with a visionary is learning how to reveal that soft inner side that you have earlier on in the process. Learning to trust a little bit more throughout the process, Being able to recognize that success in life is driven by success in love. And we need to actually invest more in our love life so that we can be more successful in our professional lives. Like that is one refra. Always giving our visionary clients is like when they say, well, I don't have time to date. I say, well then I guess you don't want to be more successful over the next three to five years. I want to appeal to like their deepest desires, which is to be more successful. I don't understand. Adam wouldn't like focusing on love actually set me back in my career. No, in fact, actually it's an investment in your career because you have the right man, the right partnership that is going to catapult your career in ways that you've never experienced before. Because you haven't had the right partner.

Absolutely. Yeah. And I think, you know, if your secondary archetype here is visionary, I think mine's the next one. The romantic. I think I even put it in our notes that I was, I'm probably a recovering romantic. I might be a nurturer now, but it, there was definitely points in my life I was a, a romantic. And so romantic is somebody who's super devoted. This is about 19 of the, the folks in our data. But this is someone who's just like has. And I think this is kind of like how did you get into relationship stuff in the first place? It's because I was used to be very, very romantic.

Right.

In the sense of like you're highly emotionally expressive. It's like this soulful long term connection. It's almost like a little woo woo. But it's like you're empathetic, you're emotionally intelligent and you're all about deeply supporting your partner. Now the problem with this, and we have a current client right now who I'll call Jennifer. So sweet, speaks in just the calmest, most soothing tones and is so expressive. You could listen to her describe almost anything she's doing and you would just get like a little emotional charge out of it because it's just so soothing and expressive all at the same time. And she is the sweetest, kindest person. And I tell her all the time, we have to work on that because you can't save every wounded man that you come across. Because part of the problem with the Romantic side is you're like a professional red flag ignorer. And it's like, oh, red flag. I can fix that red flag. Oh, I feel bad for him. Let me be the one to love him through his red flagginess. And it's like, no, no. Like, we're not rehabilitation centers for broken men. And so it can be tough because I think if you fall too much into the romantic side of things, you love very deeply, which is amazing. But you often though, and I definitely fell prey to this at points in my life, love too deeply, too quickly. And when you start doing things too quickly, it's almost always for the wrong person because you end up falling in love with the thing thought of what somebody is or could be instead of who they actually are. And that becomes a major issue going forward.

You know, what's wild about romantics is romantics tend to have the most friction with love strategies in general. I mean, just think of the name love strategies. It's like the antithesis of romance. Like having a strategy in your love life. And I remember one time with a romantic. Again, this is before we had the assessment, but I will. She was 100% a romantic. I remember when I had a client who came on. She was only working with us for like a week at this point, but she kept saying how she wants to find the one. And of course, I had to speak up at that moment because I said, have you considered the idea that there is no one for you? There is just the right path for the right time? Have you considered that there is no, like, soulmate out there for you? And. And she said, no, there definitely is. We get into this whole debate in front of everybody and I'm just like, oh, God. But I'm not going to let this go because other people are listening and I don't want to send the wrong message. And so I asked her, well, you've been divorced, right? You've been married before? She said, yes, actually, twice. I'm like, when you marry that person, did you think that that person was the one? And she said, yes, I did. So can we agree that perhaps that idea of the one could be putting us into the arms of the wrong person? Because if we believe wholeheartedly that someone is the one, leaving that person becomes almost impossible. It's almost a religion at that point where we're just like, oh, my God, I have to do everything possible to keep this going because he's the one for me. And if we can just chip away at that little idea where, look, I'm all about romance. I'm all about love. And I want you to be in the greatest relationship of your life. But we also need to approach this with not only just our heart, but our head throughout the process. And so having a realistic version and vision of what love really looks like and choosing. Just choosing the right partner, I always think of it as, like, there is no one perfect career for you. There's just. There's a set of different career paths you can go on, and there are better careers, and then there are really bad careers. Right. And it's sometimes it's easier to know when you're in a really bad career than it is to know if you're in the most perfect possible career for you in your life. And I think love follows that same kind of trajectory where it's like, there are many different paths you can go on. And we know what bad looks like, and we also can feel what great looks like and what good looks like. And just don't allow yourself to fall into this. This idea where there's only one perfect path for you in your love life. And once you're on that path, you're stuck on that path because. And so, just with all that said, I do find the romantics are some of the most challenging to work with. Frankly, I always thought it would be the visionaries, but the Romantics, I'm really breaking through a lot of these, what I'd consider to be false beliefs about love and romance that is just destroying their love life.

Well, and so much of what you see on television that portrays anything about love and relationships really appeals to the romantics, right? Real, like, really, really, like, pursuing guys who are kind of off limits. But you're the one with the secret key to unlock his heart. Like, I even in just saying that, I feel, like, a little icky. Like, but it's like, that is the story. And I'll admit, like, my wife loves watching all that stuff. You know, the. The Hallmark Channel, the. The books, the summer books that she's reading. Like, we're. She's in full summer reading mode. And it's like every book, it's this. I'm like, oh, that one again. She's like, it's not the same thing. Like, but it is kind of. But it. You know, it's. If you start believing these tropes, you can start trying to live them out in your own life. And this is where, like, romantics get really vulnerable to the sweet talker guy, the guy who comes in and sweeps you off your feet, says, all the right things, maybe even a little love bombing, because it feels just so magical. And it's like, this is what the one feels like. It's amazing. And it's like, no, this is what a well practiced, potentially narcissistic guy feels like. And so we have to be. But again, this. This. What I think is. Is the beauty of these archetypes is once. Because there's gonna be certain things as you're listening to this, you're hearing, it's like, oh, that's. That's kind of me. But if you start to see the full picture of what this represents, you're going to have, again, so many of those aha. Moments where it's like, oh, my gosh, that's me too. And then how do I deal with that specifically? And it's. We. We have ways to deal with each of these things, which I think is what makes this really helpful. Absolutely.

Which leads us to the fourth and final archetype, which is the Phoenix. This is the person who. Who's been through a lot of challenges in life. Right? You've been through breakup, you've been through heartbreak. And again, many of you who are visionaries or nurturers or romantics also have gone through that. But the. The Phoenix is a little bit different. You know, these. What is a. Comes as a result of a lot of this heartbreak is just a deep, inherent mis. Distrust of others or even herself. Right. The Phoenix is the person who's just really hesitant even to open up because they have so much past pain. And we. We have many clients who struggle with. Because they find that they just. They've gone through such hardships, they've gone through such like a cheating husband for 20 years, where the thought of even considering going on a date again, it just opens up this wound that they're like, no, I'm good. I can't. I cannot do it right. You know? Gary, have you. Have you seen a lot of Phoenixes recently with our clients?

Yeah. And it. I find these, like, the most heartbreaking of types because, you know, while a lot of people. You know, a lot of people in the other types will have gone through a breakup and. And all that with a Phoenix, It. It hits different in the sense that their breakup or dissolution of their former relationship became like a defining experience. You had a client divorced after 20 years. This guy was not in the marriage the entire time. And she'll admit that she figured that out about three years in, but then stuck around. She stuck around for the kids, and she said it was Miserable. It was hard, but she just felt that this was what she had to do. Now, here's. Here's what. It gives me goosebumps just talking about this, but, like, to me, here's. Here's what the hardest part of that whole experience was. She got constant credit from everybody around her for how amazing and strong she was during that whole entire relationship. And during. She was actually going through hell, but she's getting all the. This recognition. Like, wow, you're just. Everything's so amazing. Like, you guys have this great relationship. Your kids are wonderful. And then when they finally. She ended it, thank God. Thank goodness, right? Even then, people were like, wow, you're so strong. You're so capable. And, yeah, from the outside, when people don't really know, it looks a lot like that. But I can tell you she did not feel strong and capable. And it takes a long time, particularly when everyone around you is telling you how amazing and strong and capable you are when you don't feel that way, when you feel lost and confused and hurt and you're beating yourself up a little bit for, like, why did I do this? And that's. It starts to then build this really hard exterior in this wall that other people are calling strong. And you're just thinking, no, this is to protect myself. And so there's just a lot. There's a lot of undercurrences. I'm probably not even fully doing this justice, but there's just a lot going on with the Phoenix archetype. That take takes a little bit of breaking through.

Yeah, definitely. It's. And look, it. It is definitely about tapping into the resilience of relationships and yourself once you've gone through that, while at the same time learning how to trust. Like, when I work with clients, one of the things that I'll always say is, trust equals time multiplied times consistency. So, you know, look, when you're a Phoenix, it's going to be really hard for you to trust a guy on a first date. I get that. You probably shouldn't trust a guy on a first date, right? Maybe a little bit. If he shows up, he looks the way he is from his online dating profile. Okay. You've earned yourself just a little smidge of trust. Okay, that's fine. But the way to really build trust with the person is three to four dates, and he's consistently showing up as his true self. He's being honest, he's being respectful. He's being caring. He is who he says he is. And time has continued. You've spent more time with him. And so looking at it from this prism, once you get to the third date, you can trust him a little bit more. Once you get to the 10th date, you can trust him a little bit more. Once you're in an exclusive committed relationship with him for six months and he continues to show up as his true authentic self, being respectful, caring, and. And he, his words follow his actions. Okay? Now a deeper layer of trust continues. A year in, five years in, and honestly, I see that trust continuum continuing honestly for a lifetime, right? If you've known someone for 30 years and you've been married and that person has proven over a long period of time that they can be consistent with you, you trust that person with your life, right? It's like, Gary, we've been working together for a long time now, and I trust you more than pretty much anyone I could think of professionally, just due to consistency multiplied times time. So I just find that to be a really, really helpful mental model for people in any relationship they have. And it's especially true for phoenixes to be just using that as they're kind of navigating this. But the key thing, especially with phoenixes, is that as a person is being more consistent over a long period of time, you do actually have to trust that person. That's the key. They struggle once, it's like, okay, hey, this guy's showing up, he's there for you, he cares about you, clearly, let's trust him. That's a tall order, you know?

Yeah. You almost have to in those situations, take an observer role where it's like as a third party observer. Observe the relationship you have and how trustworthy this guy's being because he's often doing all the right things. And it can be. Excuse me. It can be hard to see that from your perspective, but you see it from a third person. It's like, oh, wow, this guy really is showing up. He's following through, he's doing what he says he was going to do, all that great stuff. And it's. That becomes. That becomes really important.

Amen.

So those are our four types. There's one thing I do kind of want to say about all of this, which is I love quizzes. I love information, I love data as much as the next person. It's important, though, anybody listening to this to recognize that a quiz isn't the end point. It's a starting point. It's a first step because transformation is a process and you need information and figuring out what your type is and all that stuff. Is great because it gives you awareness and you need awareness as that first step. But, but by itself, information isn't enough, right?

It's.

And it's, it's important to recognize that super smart people, information gathering is their procrastination method of choice. Right? It's like, oh, I can just learn a little bit more. And if I learn a little bit more and if I learn a little bit more and then I'll be ready. And it's like, but then you'll never feel ready and just keep gathering information. Nothing actually gets done. To be successful, you need that second piece. Like, you need to start implementing, you need to start doing things. And so that's what success is really all about. And so, you know, what we end up doing with our clients is you come in, you learn your type, and then we start building action plans specified to your type around your unique challenges, your growth opportunities, your keys to lasting love. We pinpoint some of the feelings that you typically have. Some of those existing mindsets limiting beliefs help you start breaking some of those things down because that's where your beliefs meet practice, because you bring those things on dates, you bring those things into first meetups, you put those things, whether you realize it or not, into your online dating profile, and it filters out some of the best possible guys and in ways you never even realize. And so, you know, information's great. Take, take this information, learn from it. But you also want to start putting it to work too.

Yeah. Yeah. And that, I mean, that's exactly what we do with our mastermind, is we work with clients. We have groups of clients that we work with. We hold them accountable and we say, yes, these are your patterns. It's time to break them. And we hold you to it. And if you've seen anything from our podcast, what we do, we try to be no BS with all of you. We don't want to pat it. We want to just give you our. We are so invested in your love life in some cases. Gary. I think with some of our clients, we're more invested in their love life than they are themselves. And I think it sometimes is just helpful to have someone in your corner. So I highly recommend heading on over to attraction type.com learn your attraction archetype. After that video, you can then book what we call a love strategy session where you get on a call with someone on my team. They're called love strategists, and they're going to understand more deeply what is going on uniquely for you, where it is that you want to go and whether or not, you know, you're the right fit for our mastermind, and we can help you out and be able to connect you on that journey to attracting love. So, Gary, that was super fun. Thanks so much, man. And we'll talk to all of you beautiful ladies very soon.

Bye. Bye. Thanks, Adam.