What Attracts a Man Vs. What Keeps a Man for Life

If anybody knows what a best friend really is, like, women are the ones that know. And so when you start applying that same standard to your partner, all of a sudden you're wondering, like, why am I letting him get away with this stuff? I would never let my best friend talk to me like this. And so it should be the exact same standard for both your female best friend and your romantic partner. It's the same type of relationship.

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationship. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship Coach here at LoveStrategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. All right, so, Gary, the topic of this week's podcast is what gets you together versus what keeps you together. So let's kick this thing off, dude, and tell me what. What got you together with your wife? Let's just get personal, baby.

All right, well, you know, as someone who has studied relationships as long as I have and has done a bunch of science on relationships, I should have a really, really profound answer. Secret to success, right? I don't have that. What I have is the honest answer, which is just simply, my wife's hot. And so I kind of knew who she was. I found out she was, you know, about to move in upstairs. I saw her kind of moving her stuff in. I was like, yeah, I should go talk to her. And then, you know, that's really all it took. And one thing led to another, and here we are today, 20 years later.

Are you sure you're a professor and not, like a college student calling your wife hot? Just starting that off that way. I love it. Do you say that to your students?

I don't call them hot, but I use that exact term. And I will tell them this is a very technical term.

Yeah, just hot. I love it. I love it.

So how about you? How did you and Jess get together? What was the secret sauce?

Oh, well, it was New Year's Day, 2015, after a pretty wild night at this. This bar. So I stayed there all night that night with my friend. I was in a pretty wild time in my life. And then I woke up the next morning. He's like, you know, it's better than New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, and I got these girls that I want to meet there. I'm, like, done and done. And the moment I saw her at 9am with just, like, dark, baggy, you know, dark eyes, I was like, oh, my God. And, yes. Was. Is she incredibly attractive? I. Yes, absolutely. And certainly to me. But it was also her energy. There was definitely just, like, a level of chemistry, and it definitely goes in that bucket of attraction. Right. Initially, it wasn't like, I didn't get to know who the essence of who she was at that time, that day, necessarily. I just got a feel for her vibe and who she was, and we had great chemistry, and that's definitely what drew me to her the first day.

So. Yeah, and I see a lot of that stuff. You know, there's very little, you know, how somebody looks is, like, the one thing you can know when you know nothing about them.

Right.

And, like, in those early stages, you know so little about the person. And so it's just kind of like you're going on instinct, you're going on gut, you're going on just that emotional energy. And so it's that excitement, it's the adrenaline, and it's. It's a very different process than, you know, what happens 10, 15 years later, right?

Yeah, absolutely. And I think it can be. It's the most exciting thing in the world when you meet someone that you're incredibly attracted to and you're interested in and you want to know more about them. But I think it can also be kind of dangerous if that's all you rely on. And with, like, what we do in love Accelerate. I want to hear what you guys do and talk about relationship synergy as well about this. But, you know, we talk about this concept. I call it the lasting love formula. And there's really three things, ultimately we want in our lifelong partner. The first is, of course, attraction. And that's usually pretty easy for people. Like, when I saw Jessica, I was attracted to her. Oh, my God. That's an easy one.

Bags under the eyes, right?

Yeah, with the bags under the eyes. I don't think she was attracted to me. No, actually, I know for a fact she wasn't. She was just like, who is this guy? This guy's, like, easy. And I was. I was. I probably just didn't get enough sleep. So there's attraction, there is fear, friendship. I think that's a cornerstone that encompasses kind of, like, a lot of different things we can talk about if you want. And the third is Just compatibility. And do you want the same things? Are your lives compatible with one another? Are you on the same page? And that could be religious ideas, your personal values, and so on and so forth. And I think when the point of all this. I'm not trying to get into teacher mode, but the point of all this is I think too many people, especially when we're younger, rely on attraction as our sole kind of force for who we're gonna end up with. And they don't think about friendship. Is he respectful? Is he kind? Do we like each other? Or compatibility? Like, do our lives even make sense? Or does he live 2,000 miles away? And it's like a long distance relationship? And so I think it can get a lot of people in trouble if that's all they rely on.

Yeah. And, you know, I mean, you're talking about three different ingredients, and those three ingredients are more important at different times of your relationship. Right. The attraction is unavoidable early on. Right. I mean, to get you together, you need that attraction element. You're not going to have friendship in the first week, month, whatever. I mean, that takes some time to develop. And so you're right. I mean, the mistake people make is they try to have that one component, the attraction component, carrying them through for the whole relationship and rely solely on that. The problem is we're all, we're all getting less attractive over time.

I don't know about you, man, but I've gotten like 10 times less attractive in the past, like three months. Just like it's exponential for me right now. I don't know.

Pandemic did some damage.

Exactly.

For sure.

But it's like podcast, because the YouTube, like, people don't want to see me on video anymore. So we're just going on audio and that's gonna really help things out.

All audio, all pictures, you know, from about here up. Then we're good.

Oh, yeah. They don't see the beer belly. I love it. Yeah.

So, you know, what we talk about in relation to science is we talk about the difference between passionate and companion love. And, you know, passionate love is that, you know, you're preoccupied with them. They're perfect. There's this strong attraction. It's all that high energy, the physical component, and that's great. That's what gets you together. But what keeps you together is companion and love. You know what you're talking about. A friendship is like your partner should be your best friend. You need to have things in common. You need to laugh about the same things and enjoy some of the same activities, and you can't switch them out. Like you want the passion to continue. Sure. But, like, there is a transformation that just naturally hope happens over time. And you just have to realize they're different processes.

Yeah, it's true. I mean, and I agree. I've read a lot of literature on companion love versus passionate love, and I love your stuff. And I think the reason why, at least I call, I talk about friendship and compatibility. I kind of break it out a little bit differently. I like the word friendship. Just because everyone has had, or most people have had a really close friend before. And so we kind of know what that feels like. When you have a friend, you can rely on that, you can connect with that. You don't feel like you're hiding your true self, that you feel like there's just, like, there's just that spark between the two of you. There's trust. Right. And when you can start. I've seen a lot of women who are in bad relationships where they're super attracted to the guy, he's a bad boy, and all that stuff. And even in the early phases, a couple months in, whatever. But I'd be like, would you ever consider him to be friend or display qualities of your closest friends? And they're like, dear God, no. He's terrible to me. Right? He's not a nice. He's like, not a nice person to me. And it can kind of help people get hopefully through that a little bit and fight that force of attraction that can take hold over us. And it really is a very addictive feeling. I mean, that. That this first couple months, I mean, our brain chemistry gets literally rewired, doesn't it? I mean, you tell me, you're the science guy. But, like, my understanding is that it can be as addictive as drugs. I mean, hard drugs.

Like, yeah, it does some of the same exact stuff, right? You get that dopamine rush and, you know, it really is overpowering. And that's why, you know, we just get flooded with all these feelings. And it's easy to kind of let that take over and feel like you're falling out of love when it starts to subside a little bit. But, you know, going back to that friendship thing, I think it's a particularly good question for women to consider, because, frankly, when it comes to friendships, women are much better at it than guys are females. Their best friends are, like, legit best friends. Like, they know everything. They're close. It is all the key components. So if anybody knows what a best friend really is. Like, women are the ones that know. And so when you start applying that same standard to your partner, all of a sudden you're wondering, like, why am I letting him get away with this stuff? I would never let my best friend talk to me like this. And so it should be the exact same standard for both your female best friends and your romantic partner. It's the same type of relationship. Your romantic partner just also is best friend plus passion. Right? You still have that passion, attraction element as well, Right?

Right. So there's attraction, there's friendship. And then I think of the compatibility piece is kind of our brain coming along with our heart, right? It's like, yeah, you can have attraction and you can also have friendship with a person. But, like, are you a devout Jew and he is Christian, and both of you, it's very important for you to marry within your faith. Like, and to me, I'm not religious, so to me, I'd be like, you know what? Just get married anyways. Come on. That's not a thing. But for other people, that is very, very important. And I think there's the compatibility piece, which I think most people will love usually prevails. I'd be curious on your thought. Do you feel like love prevails in those situations and do people overlook a lot of those pieces just to kind of go along with those emotions that they feel when they first fall in love?

For sure, right. I mean, I see that compatibility stuff as someone just the pragmatics of relationships, right? Like, yeah, am I a morning person? You're a night person. Right. It's, do we eat the same kinds of food or do I like steak? And you're a vegan. Like, I mean, we. That's an issue. Right? And so a lot of that stuff gets revealed over time. Particularly, you know, first time you start living together, you start figuring out a lot quick, oh, my God.

Dear God. Yeah.

Like, and it's a lot of stuff you did you wish you didn't know.

Right?

But by then, all of that brain chemical stuff has already taken hold, right? And so we put a lot of emphasis on the emotional feelings. And then we don't. Like you mentioned it as a brain thing. And I think that's a really great way to think about it because it's very practical. And we're like, no, love, love finds a way. Love, love is all that matters. And so a lot of that compatibility stuff we do kind of, you know, let go. Right? It's a standard we might have had and wished for, but it's like, nah, we have the other parts that. That are more important, and sometimes that can get us in trouble.

Hey there, ladies. As you can see, we're just getting this podcast off the ground, and since we don't run any ads, I only have one quick favor to ask in return. Can you just take a quick second right now, pause this episode, and just leave us a review wherever it is that you're listening to. The podcast really help us out a lot, and it really does spread the love, and I think the world needs a little bit more of that. So I appreciate you. Now let's get back to the show.

All right, so we spent a lot of time talking about, you know, what attracted us to our lives, like, what got us together. So now I'm curious, Adam, what has kept you together over the years?

A lot of things. I mean, I think the key things are having. Wanting to spend your days together and do the same types of things. I think is really, really important. Actually liking the person, not just loving them is. Is incredibly important. I also think that there's so many things about Jessica that I couldn't have known. I just feel like I got so lucky about, and she's this incredible counterbalance to me. And I don't know if it's me just backward rationalizing, like, because I love her, because I'm in it, I'm caught in this relationship. But, like, to me, it's like, she's very, like, financially well thought. Like, she's, She's. We're on the same page financially, which I know is incredibly important in relationships. It's an absolute deal breaker for a lot of people. And she's just very fun to be around and a very pleasant person to be around. But I didn't know all that necessarily was going to be that way. So I don't know if I'm backward rationalizing. What do you think?

Yeah, I mean, I think we luck into some things, and like, you, you. You know, love is about discovery, right. And sometimes you discover that, you know, they clap when a plane lands, and sometimes you discover that they're really great person to talk to. Right. And it's like you take the good with the bad.

Right.

You know, at least in my case. I mean, what has kept me together with my wife, Colleen? I mean, it's been 20 years. It's. She. I admire her so much. Like, she is literally the nicest, kindest person that I've ever met.

Right.

Like, she is positive pretty much all the time. She's. She's happy all the time. Like, it's not. There's no drama. There's not a lot of. There's not an emotional roller coaster thing. Like, she knows how to argue the right way. Right. Like, it's. We. We have arguments and things. We have disagreements because we're human. But, like, she's not crazy about it, right? Yeah. You know, it's like she can let things go. Right. At some point. Like, you get to a point, you just got to let things go and kind of move on. And, like, we both kind of are very emotionally of the same, kind of even keel. And so that's super helpful, too. And it's. It's like you said, there's nothing. I didn't know any of that. When I saw the first time, I was like, this girl's hot. And it just kind of worked out that she was also a wonderful relationship partner. And we've improved together. We've grown together, and we both kind of have that as a value where we want to grow and improve together. And so we definitely feel like the two of us together are better than the two of us by ourselves. And that's a big part of it, too.

Yeah. So I found that there's some people who are more disciplined than others when it comes to dating. Like, for me, when I think back to my dating life, there were just some women I dated that I found very attractive, but I just didn't like them as a human being. After a while, it didn't take me long to realize that. Right. And I don't know if it's discipline, but I just didn't want to be around them. But I know so many of my clients who will reach that same point with a guy, but they cannot leave him. Like, they just. They're just so caught up in this. Do you have any sense as to why some people. And I'd be curious, even in your situation, like, do you feel like if you found something out about your wife, maybe she was a little bit emotionally volatile? Right. Like, would you have the discipline to have walked away? Or were you just, like, in it. So in it that you couldn't. I don't know. I mean, there. And I find this word of discipline to be an important part of at least why we're, you know, why we're so successful with our clients. Because that's what we push really hard.

Sure. Yeah. Because I think, you know, this discipline, it's a thoughtful, purposeful, intentional approach. Right. And so when you ask, would I have been? I mean, I would like to, you know, go back and think, yeah, of course I would have been disciplined enough to get out of that relationship. And, you know, I think to a previous relationship when I was disciplined enough, I kind of realized it wasn't going to work out, and I was the one to get out. But it's that, you know, I say that it's not that easy, right? I mean, we know it's a struggle, but it's. That's why it's important to kind of realize that getting together with somebody is nice. Like, we want to have a partner, but that's not the special part. In fact, it's. It's in many ways the easy part, particularly for women. Women want a relationship partner, they're gonna have no problem finding somebody. The key is you want a good partner. And so to find that good partner, it's. It's gonna take a little bit more, right? It's gonna take some more of that discipline to really make sure that you're maintaining your. Your standards. Like, you're. You're sticking to your love vision and, you know, you're able to follow through in this thoughtful, intentional way that, that we talk about.

Right. I really do think, like, community is such an important part of being disciplined and having guardrails throughout the process, because I know for a fact myself, like, I do have those guardrails in my life through friends and family. And I. And I. I can point back to certain people in my life, certainly when I was dating a lot, who would just be like, hey, man, just want to give you a second thought on this. And I think that that's why being a part of any community is really, really important for those women out there who are especially very lonely and trying to do this alone. And whether it's our community or any community out there, truly finding your people who can give you that real feedback to make you kind of think twice. If you're getting involved with a guy that you're so overwhelmed with this, like, excitement and what is it? Norepinephrine, dopamine, you know, serotonin, and everything that's flowing through your veins, it's really hard to make the right decisions in relationships. And just having someone who can, like, kind of second guess you a little bit, you know, with the right intentions, I think can be extremely helpful.

Yeah, I mean, you need that objectivity because when you're in it, you want it to work.

Yeah, you do.

We're geared to be in relationships. I mean, we're, you know, we're brain geared towards wanting to be in Relationships and making those connections, particularly as women. Like, you've been socialized your whole life to be good at relationships and for that to be a big part of your identity. And so you want relationships to work, and so you're motivated to make them work at any cost. One of the ways you do that, particularly early on, is you start thinking about and pointing out all the things that are going well. And that's just natural. It's like, oh, look at, you know, everybody likes to be right. It's like, oh, I'm in a great relationship. And here, here's XYZ reasons why. Here's the problem, though. It's like early in a relationship, the fact that you can point out some good things. I mean, this sounds like a jerky thing to say, but it's not special, right? Early in relationships, all that good stuff is easy. That's the easy part. It's easy to have a bunch of good stuff early on. And so if you're really banking on all those easy things, that this is what makes my relationship so amazing, that's going to be tough. And so that's where, like, you really have to do some things to give your relationship some legs, give it some staying power, to turn that thing that's all about excitement into something that's about stability and dependability.

Yeah.

And that's not always the easiest transition.

So the real question I have for you, here's the hundred billion, trillion dollar question, is, is there any real way to predict the future of your relationship and predict where a person's going? Because, like, you know, people have been using astrology, anything they can to be like, is he the right person for me? Is it gonna be perfect? And all this bs, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap. And I like to think, like, oh, I know where Jessica's going. I like to know, like, I think where I'm gonna end up, and it's gonna be great. But then I look at a lot of older couples who are just, like, nagging at each other and clearly are just not on the same page. I'm sure when they were in their 30s and recently married, they were probably like, oh, my God, this is the greatest thing in the world. So how do you make a real prediction? Can you, for starters, in your opinion, make that prediction? Is there any science that backs that up? And also, like, how do you navigate that when you're trying to predict any future? I don't know. I'm not convinced that there is a way to truly predict that.

I mean, What I find from a lot of hardcore science is you need two things. You need a Ouija board and crystals.

Amen. I got both of them.

No. So, you know, Ouija boards and crystals is not the answer. You know, I was just saying a second ago about how, like, you know, all that stuff early on, all that positive things that are going is not special. Like, every relationship starts off with good things. One of the things we know from the research is that while it's true that relationships all start off with good things, the relationships that stay together start off with fewer costs, fewer bad things. Right? And so costs are generally kind of minimal early on. They should be very minimal early on. But, like, those relationships that stay together are really minimal. There's virtually no costs. There's virtually no bad sides early on. The ones that have a hard time staying together, they have a couple of costs right from the beginning. And what we know from the divorce literature is that the things that end up getting you divorced don't pop up out of nowhere over time. They were there from the beginning, and you just kind of let it go. And like, that brain chemistry, dopamine stuff just kind of like, was like, no, don't look at that. Ignore that. That's not a problem. And turns out when you start ignoring problems, they don't go away. They just grow and get bigger. Right?

Yeah, so.

So that's. That's definitely a problem.

Right. His narcissistic tendencies turn into just full blown narcissism. And, you know, a few years, once, like, it all kind of, like wears off. You're like, oh, my God, this is who I'm left with. Oh, dear God, help me.

Yeah, and sort of like, you know, this is the person you agreed to be with. And, you know, this is the rules of your game. And, you know, you can only tolerate things for so long before you're like, okay, enough, enough, pals. I can't deal with this anymore. Yeah. You know, so, you know, you asked the other thing that's kind of, what's the key ingredient? Like, how do you end up in that old, bitter couple? Or how do you avoid being that old couple who fights all the time and things? And I think, you know, the one mechanism that underlies everything for relationship success. And this is kind of a cheating answer because it's not like a one simple thing, right? It's like, effort. You have to be willing to put in the effort. Like, too many times we take this approach to our relationships where it's like, once we find the right person, you Know it's a set it and forget it. And we just kind of like, assume like, we're done now.

Jersey off. You put the jersey on for dating. You get out there, do your whole thing, and then it's like in a relationship, and you just get that, you know, whatever it is, it has nothing to do with physical. You just let it go and you stop caring. I totally get that. Yeah.

Yeah. And it's. It's like one of those sayings that, you know, applies to relationships. Like, your actions reveal your priorities. And so if your relationship is a priority, you got to take action. Like, you have to be willing to do some things. You got to get to learn new information, learn new skills, be able to, like, manage your expectations and how you're thinking about your relationship. And that's all stuff that, you know, many people aren't willing or able to pull off in a reasonable way. And so, you know, sadly, we know the happiest you are in this. This sounds awful, but this is what the research shows, that it just. It is what it is, I guess. But it's like, people say, like, the happiest your relationship is ever going to be is when you walk down the aisle, and then from that moment on, it just. It's constantly going down. And it's like, that's true. And when I give talks and I talk to my students, I tell them that's all true, but that's all true for people who haven't spent the time to learn more about how to do better at this. And so there's a little bit of hope in there, too.

Does the. Does the literature say it's more. I could see that it'd be more exciting, more joyful, more. Like the word happy is different than fulfilling. So, like, do I feel happy if I am, I don't know, doing a line of cocaine or whatever? Okay, probably. I don't know. I'm not, you know, whatever. I'm not into that stuff. But, like, let's say, yeah, that would make me happy. But is it fulfilling? And I think that maybe there is. And I'd be curious. You probably know, you know the literature better than I, which is like, does it. Maybe it's exciting and it's. It's happy. It's all that stuff. But when you grow older together, it's deeper and more fulfilling and more trust, especially if you're doing the right work.

Sure. It has to be. And this is, you know, another one of those things that this is the difference between, you know, what gets you together and what keeps you together, getting. When you're getting together, it's about happiness. Right. Because it's very, it's right there in the moment. Like, I want to be happy. I enjoy spending time with you. You're exciting, you're mysterious, you're interesting. Like happy, happy, happy, happy. Great happiness is still great later on. But it's not nearly as important as fulfillment. Fulfillment is something that, it's about meaning, it's about growth. It's about something tangible and long lasting. It's like we all want to be part of something bigger than ourselves. And fulfillment is about being part of something bigger than yourself. And a lot of times that's you and your relationship. It's like, are you making a difference? And you can do that in lots of different ways. Sometimes it's through having kids or doing things in your community or just the kinds of things that you guys do together. It's. They're different goals and fulfillment is definitely the better goal.

Yeah. And it also just depends on where you're, where you are in your life. And like, so an ungodly amount of my time is spent trying to convince a woman because I only coach women who are dating guys that are not good for them, clearly, and they know it. Trying to appeal to the rational side that like, they need to say that magical four letter word which is next and move on to the next. That's what we always say. And it's. I find it just to be so challenging in the way that I always try to appeal to that is to ask them, what do you value in your life right now? Is it excitement? Is it being able to do whatever you want? Freedom? Is it being able to, is it just like that? Not being sure if he's there or not feeling that hot and cold feeling. If that's what you desire, go casually date, Right. But if you desire security, if you desire fulfillment, if you desire something meaningful, then we need to be looking for. We need to be first off intentional about finding that and then only accepting people who are willing to fulfill that need. And it's, it, it's, it's, it's so challenging over and over again to have this conversation. But it can be really helpful, I think, for people, especially when you're in it, to be like, yeah, you know what? I do value security. And if I'm going to have security and fulfillment, it might mean that things are a little bit less exciting. Like healthy relationships really are boring sometimes. Like the most. Rolling over in bed and just like talking about like what happened Yesterday. It's not. It's not what it was when you first start dating. And that's okay, but it's comforting and reassuring.

Right. It's a very different animal. Right. It's why you don't see too many stable relationships portrayed in the media. Because it is boring. Like, it's just. It's so standard. And so, you know, it's funny, you talk about, you know, what do people want? And, you know, thinking about it, I always ask people to think about the future. It's not what you want. It's what you want now. But it's also like, what do you think you're going to want in five years? What do you think you want in 10 years? Because that's. You're thinking about. You're in this for the long haul, right? And it's like, people are. I always equate it to jobs, right? It's like, you know, being a bartender is kind of fun.

Yeah.

Fun job, right?

I've always wanted to be a bartender. How did you know? My favorite, like, job, that's what I'm gonna do when I retire, is be a bartender.

How cool would that be? Like a little tiki bar. Like, I mean, okay, but now, is that going to be fun in 20 years?

Right?

Right. Like, is that really going to be something that you want to be doing later in life? And it's like, probably not. Like, it's. You don't want to be the old bartender. Right.

Even f fun by the second day on the job, it's like hooking up with that guy that's, like, really cute and whatever, and then you hook up with him, like, ah, what did I do? I feel dirty. You know, Funny. Funny topic on this whole bartender thing. Jessica. Her, like, she always would say this. She's like, I just want to work at a brewery, and I want to, like, be back there and do all this stuff. And we're at a brewery a couple years ago. We're sitting there having a beer at a local brewery, and I was, like, kind of teasing Jessica. I'm like, yeah. Her grace. I don't know. However, I said, I'm like, she really wants to be a bird. They're like, it's so funny. We have an open job. Like, do you want to do it? Just like, yeah, I'll do it. I'll do it. And they're like, okay, great. So you got to be here on Saturday night, Sunday night. She's like, can I do this on, like, Tuesday nights from, like, 4pm to 7pm so I'm home for dinner. They're like, right, no, like, and you also clean the keg. You got to do all this stuff. She wanted a hobby, you did a hobby. And they're like, no, you need to work a job. Okay. And right.

And like you said, you know, even that'd be, it'd be fun for a little bit, a little while, but at that time, you're like, but then in 10 years, is that still going to be the same kind of fun? It's not gonna be fulfilling.

Right.

It's gonna bring some happiness, some temporary fun, but it's not going to bring fulfillment in the same way something a little bit more substance is really gonna, gonna bring to you.

So, so how do you date? Because I'm the. I'm gonna always ask you questions about dating because this is the world I live in. But how do you date in a way that sets you up for long term fulfillment? Like that without being a wet blanket and without being boring? Right. Like you don't want. Dating should be fun and exciting, but also should set you up for long term success. I have my answer, but I'm curious on yours. More importantly, how do you do that? Because what do a lot of women do? Just as you're thinking about it, a lot of people will go into dating very serious and they'll kind of treat it like a job interview, which is also very unattractive and not very exciting, interesting as well. So we don't want to do that either.

You know, I mean, I think, I think it always starts with knowing yourself and knowing what you want, right? You have to be really clear about what you want. And so, you know, you definitely don't want to treat it like a job interview, but you also, in the back of your mind, you have to kind of know why you're there and like, you know, be able to keep your eye on the prize, so to speak. Right? Like, you got to go out there and have fun because it all starts that way. But then you have to kind of date with some intentionality as well in terms of conversations and just kind of gauge where the other person's at. Because without that intentionality, there's a really strong pull of inertia, right? Like, so you can have like the super fun happy guy, right? You're dating him for a while and it's like after you're dating him for six months, then you start getting like the, well, we've been six months. Like, what else am I going to do? So you kind of, you just start Staying for the wrong reasons. And so if you don't have that intentionality.

I don't know.

So what do you think? You said you have an answer. What do you think? Let's see. Let's hear your answer, pal. You're the dating guy. Sorry.

Let me put you on the spot. I'm very like, what we teach is. And the synergy steps with what you do is very in line with this. Like, having a love vision. And that's what we call little love. Step number two. So we get very clear about what are our absolute deal breakers and what are our needs. And our needs can't be a list that is 300 pages long with a hundred different responses, Right. No one can date like that because no one is ever going to meet that. But there can be a few critical things that our absolute needs. And we write that in a love vision, and we connect with it on an emotional level, and we actually put it down, post it to the community, post it to everyone. And that is our discipline. That is our North Star. And whenever I'm working with clients and they start dating and they inevitably meet guys, they'll go out there flirting, having fun, meeting lots of guys. Low emotional investment early on, because they haven't really met anyone. But they have this love vision. And what happens is, boom. When they meet a guy that they really like, that's when the entire process kicks into gear. And I'm always like, do they meet your love vision? Go back to your love vision right now. Like, pull it up. And they're like, I got to pull my love. Is. Does he. Does he actually meet that? And sometimes he might not, but that's okay. Sometimes there's something that maybe is just, like, not now important, and you've realized that it's not meant to, like, be this, you know, tattoo on your arm that is there in blood and scar tissue, Right. It's just there to kind of keep that brain along with us. And it should make it harder.

It should make it easier, Right?

Yeah, that's the point. That's the point.

You kind of like this. You have this idea ahead of time before you go in, right? So then you actually, like, with, you know, that was like, your clear, thoughtful way to approach it so that you don't let some of these other things override.

Right?

So it's like, I really do want him to have a job. Like, that really is Right.

Sitting on the couch, living on the couch. Yeah, exactly.

Working with his band. Right. Like, I mean, you have to, like, you want to make sure. That there are certain, like you said, deal breakers, these absolute must haves. And having that clear, like you said, North Star, I think is really smart.

Yeah. And it can be a moving document. I mean, I came across my. My personal love vision from like, seriously, this is from like 12 years ago. I didn't call it one vision back then. I probably, when I was coaching men had a. Probably a different term. Love vision is probably not as, like, geared for men, you know, but I had, I had that type of thing. And I remember one of them was when I was reading it a couple years ago. But it was like, I want to be with someone who's very spiritual, and I don't. I'm not even spiritual. Like, and I think back to that time, I think I was in like a big yoga phase and just into that whole scene. And like, it's so funny looking back on that, I was probably getting into that scene. I do, I do remember vaguely dating in that group. And I found that the type of women I was connecting with that were in that group actually I wasn't getting along with at all, like, because that's not me. So just remember it's. It's not like, again, it's not a tattoo on your arm. It's. It's a North Star. And it can be a changing document. And honestly, so long as you have something there that you're thinking this through and the fact that you're even listening to a podcast right now shows that you're already in the 99.9% of people who are being intentional about this stuff. You're bringing your brain along with it. And just realize that attraction doesn't necessarily mean love. It's lust. There's passion love, and there's companion love. And I think that can be really helpful. So, yeah, I mean, that's. That's what I think is, is can really guide you towards something that is healthier for you long term. Yeah.

And you said, you know, it could change. I would say it should change. Right? It should change because you should change. Like, you should be evolving and changing and growing. And so you know what you want. Your expectations, your love vision. I mean, that's got to change along with you as well.

We've talked a lot about a lot today. I want to ask you, what do you think in the end? What's most important? What gets you together versus what keeps you together? What's most important?

Okay, so this is maybe not fair. They're both important, Right? So they're clearly both important. But if I had to pick one that's more important. I'm definitely going to pick the staying together, like what keeps you together? That's going to be more important because I think it's the harder part. I think it's the part that takes a little bit more effort. And I think it's the part for whatever reason that people just don't put as much effort into. Right. I mean, we kind of spend so much time thinking about who we're going to be with and can we find the special person. We almost have this overly romantic ideal about how relationships are going to go. Like, as long as I find the Mr. Right, then everything else is going to take care of itself and we just kind of let the relationship piece actually just go. So I think that part's more important.

Yeah, I mean, I agree it's such a tricky one to answer. I mean, attraction is cheap. I will say that, like people, I'm attracted to people all the time. I mean, just walk down the street, I'm attracted to women. It doesn't go away the moment you got a ring on your finger. And so attraction is cheap. Chemistry is cheap, flirting is cheap. Going on a couple dates with someone, you have a great connection. That's, that's easy stuff. So I will agree with you that the real effort and work comes in later on. However, I will say, because I'm the dating guy and that's what I do. When you date with the strategy in the right way, I think it can really set you up for long term success. The way that you date is ultimately how you're gonna end up in a relationship and the quality of the person you end up with. And especially when you don't date with the mentality that you're looking for the one or there's that one soul, your soul. Maple. It's more, let's go out there, let's talk to lots and lots of people. Let's flirt. Learn how to flirt. Learn how to connect, learn how to ask questions, learn how to slow down before we commit our hearts and so on and so forth. Learn how to set boundaries. If you can do that, man, I think, I think they're the same. Can I answer that way?

Yeah. No, that's kind of how I started is like, I think they're obviously both important. It's like, you know, computer programmers have this saying, garbage in, garbage out. Right?

Yeah.

And so it's really going to be hard to have a really great long lasting relationship if you don't. If you're not with the Right Person. Right. It's like trying to make this really great meal with horrible ingredients. It's just not going to work. Right. So you got to have the good ingredients to start with also, I think.

And I'd be curious on your thoughts. And we can end with this is. I think some people have. Are better at dating, and some people are better in relationships. And so I know for myself, for example, when I came out of college, I was probably better at relationships. I wasn't great at dating, so that was like, my big gaping hole that I needed to fix. And then I work with a lot of people who I help with their dating life, but then they need. They don't know how to do relationships. I think they're very different skills. So it also just depends on what are your deficiencies. What do you think?

Yeah, I think, you know, you're right. Some people are gonna be better at certain things. I mean, I'm thinking between those two, I'm definitely better at relationships than dating, for sure. But, you know, there can. They go hand in hand, right? It's like, you know, if you're not good at dating, then you're. You're just gonna kind of find anybody and then try to make it work with anybody, and that's not gonna be so helpful. So, you know, but if you get better at dating, it's a skill like anything else, so you can learn and get better. You find better partners. Now, once you spend all that time and effort and energy to find that better partner, if you're not so good at relationships, right, you got to build that skill, too, so that you can carry that through. And so all that time and energy isn't wasted. And, you know, you're right back to where you started.

So, long story short, both matters. Be intentional about both. And just, you know, again, for those who are listening, just by being here right now, you are already so far ahead of so many people. So, Gary, any final thoughts? That's it for me.

Just, you know, I keep saying, you know, the effort is important, and just remember, like, the work you put into your relationship is always going to be worth it. And so like Adam just said, you know, if you're one of the people watching this, you know, you're already somebody who's already willing to put in the work, and just know that that is going to be worthwhile and result in the kind of relationship you. You've always wanted.

Amen. All right, we'll leave it on that. Thanks, Gary.

Bye.

All right, so now you've reached the end of the show, please make sure you follow and subscribe to the the Love Strategies podcast wherever it is that you're listening so that you never feel alone again on your journey to love. As always, if you want to unlock all of our Love Strategies and begin your love life transformation, head over to lovestrategies.com to get started. Stay beautiful and speak to you next week.