Why So Many Celebrities Cheat on Their Wives

Yeah. And I think that being faithful with someone does require some degree of discipline to not allow yourself to be put in a situation where you could be compromised. To make sure that if you are in a situation like that, you remove yourself from a situation because you're. I think we're all. Whether you're man or female or female. If you have a situation that presents itself and you're really attracted to someone and they're coming on to you, you gotta. You cannot stay in that situation for very long. You're playing with fire, no matter what.

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All right, today we are going to be talking about why are celebrities always cheating? And what can you learn from that? Gary, before we get into this, I need to tell you a deep confession. I am so bad when it comes to celebrities or famous people, so please don't ask me questions about, like, any of these people. And while you're getting examples, I can tell you about Kanye West. That's pretty much it. That's all I know. But that is our topic today.

I mean, that's your deep, dark confession. I thought that was going a whole nother direction, but, like, that's. That's. That's actually a redeeming quality to not know too much about celebrity.

Well, maybe I'll share something else later in this podcast.

I don't know.

I'll be thinking about it. So why are celebrities always cheating? And what can we learn from this? What do you think? I have some thoughts on this as well, but I want to get your thoughts.

Well, I mean, I think, you know, the first thing you can learn is don't. Don't be famous for the good of your relationship. Like, don't get famous.

Because, Gary, I don't know if you know this. You're getting famous right now through this podcast.

No, no, I refuse to believe that. I refuse to believe it. You're infinitely more famous than me, so look out, pal.

Dear God. Now.

But it's like, you know what happens when you start getting famous is like Things change in your world that you can't help you have no control over really. Like, you know, like once the cat's out of the bag, it just kind of takes on this life of its own and like all these factors start conspiring against your relationship and one of the big ones is just your world of other potential partners just explodes like all of a sudden. Now, just because you're a little bit famous, maybe you have a little bit of money, a little bit of notoriety, more and more people are going to be willing to date you. And when there's more people willing to date you, there's just simply more opportunity to be unfaithful in your relationship.

What if you're like unattractive and famous? What do you think? I'm trying to think of like a really neat.

I think there's something about fame. I mean, there's ugly. I mean, I mean, let's hope he doesn't watch this, but like Jay Z, he's ugly.

Dude. Jay Z's are like number one subscriber, so I don't know. Sorry, Jay.

Well, look, look for that in the comments and I'm sure it'll be well versed, eloquent in rhyming.

It will be. It's really true though.

Jay Z's got his hundreds problem. Way to go.

Oh, so much so it is that old adage, like people are only as faithful as they have options. And do you believe that? Is that, Is that kind of the, the, the core of this?

Yeah, I mean there's, there's basic science to that in terms of, you know, the more opportunities you have, the, the more chances there are to be unfaithful. And I, I think it was like an old Chris Rock bit actually. It's like, you know, everybody's a cheater. They just. Most people don't have any options. And so, you know, if you have no one who's willing to kind of be with you and like be willing to have a relationship with you, it's super easy to be faithful. But it's really hard to be faithful when you have a lot of people kind of, kind of asking or, you know, not just actively willing to date you, but actually like coming after you. Like, I mean, they're, they're propositioning you a lot of times. And so it just, it becomes very, very hard.

Yeah. And I think that being faithful with someone does require some degree of discipline to not allow yourself to be put in a situation where you could be compromised. To make sure that, um, if you are in A situation like that, you remove yourself from a situation because you're, I think we're all. Whether you're man or female or female. If you have a situation that presents itself and you're really attracted to someone and they're coming on to you, you got to, you cannot stay in that situation for very long. You're playing with fire no matter what.

Absolutely right. I mean, there's that old saying, you know, just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu, right? And it's like, no, no, that's actually, I mean, why would you do that to yourself, right? If you're on a diet, you don't look at the menu, you don't go hanging out in bakeries and you don't visit the buffet. Like, you just don't do those things. Right. I mean, so there's a little bit of discipline, you know, in both of those situations. And so like you got to watch, you know, putting yourself in those situations. Now celebrities, it's even more heightened because I mean, you take garden variety celebrity, like a Brad Pitt, he could walk into literally any room on the planet and just point to anybody and be like, I want you. And they're gonna be like, cool, right? And so it's just so easy for celebrities of any kind won't just pick on him, but it's like for, for them to have access to all these fantastic partners.

And I think that like even taking outside of celebrities, just on this idea of options, I'll always say like the types of guys to avoid, generally speaking, painting with a very broad stroke. Here are men who are in the nightlife industry who like, let's say they're a bar manager or certainly a nightclub owner, even musicians in general, if they're traveling a lot. It's just they are going to be presented with situations where they're going to have to be extremely disciplined, extremely intentional. And cheating can happen with slip ups, right. And, and if a guy is not being intentional about it or a female is not being intentional about it, they can find themselves in that situation. So I don't know what is said the science about. I would love to learn more about the science of, of cheating in general. I know this is kind of a specialty with you at least breakups and cheating. So what can we learn from all of this?

Yeah, I mean I've done some, some research on cheating and you know, it's some of the, some of the basic things like, you know, and something celebrities have a lot of Is, Is kind of like you said, a lot of opportunity, time away from home, other zip codes, or I mean, you're, you're. You're out of hotels and you're not around all the people that might find out. Right? So if, if you think you're not going to get caught, those situational types of factors make it less risky. Right. And so people, Some people don't do bad things because they don't want to do bad things, and some people don't do bad things because they're, they're afraid of the punishment and the downsides. Right? So if you start having time away from your home and friends and people that might know better for you, the consequences start not to be as strict. Right. One of the things we know about cheating, that. That's related to the relationship is that satisfaction doesn't necessarily relate to cheating as strictly as we think. Right. And what I mean by that is satisfaction and commitment, they're related, right? So generally, the more satisfied you are, the happier you are, the more you're committed to your relationship. But they're not perfectly related. So there's plenty of people that cheat when they're still quite satisfied in their relationship. And those people are usually our men. Right. That tends to be a guy kind of thing to do where, you know, you're still satisfied. But, you know, and we talked about this in one of the other podcasts, it's like, guys separate sex and love and sex and relationships in a way that, you know, you can still be very satisfied in your relationship and still be willing to have a sexual affair with somebody else.

Yeah. Yeah. I think in many ways, obviously, that's a character flaw. The type of guy who will. I mean, there are some guys out there that I h. Have known in my world, they're not friends of mine who. But I've heard of these guys who are actively trying to cheat. And that to me is so crazy. To me, it's. It's a character flaw in many ways. And because, And I found that, like, my thinking on all of this is cheating is lying. And if you can remove lying from your relationship as a. At a foundational level, even the smallest little lies, suddenly the thought of cheating on someone goes out the window. If you commit yourself to never lying in the relationship, no matter what, no matter how hard it is to. No matter how bad she wants you to tell her that dress looks beautiful, and you got to tell her that dress honey isn't working on her right like that. Even those lies, suddenly now the idea of cheating is just. It's just not even a possibility. And I think that for those of you who have been cheated on, I think holding a really strong. Being really strong about being with guys who don't lie, who. Who are not even, you know, not even white lies. I'm talking any lies. You know, we want to avoid those types of men. I think that's. That's a key component of all this.

Yeah. And it's not just lies to you, right? I mean, like, you. You almost want to do, like, a character test. Like, is this a guy who's willing to lie to anybody about anything? Right. It could be the convenience store person. It could be a. A waiter, a waitress. Like. No, I didn't get that. You know, there's a million different ways that people can be dishonest. And so, you know, of course, one line, one department. Not. It doesn't mean that you're going to be cheating, but it's like, these are all, like, little indicators, right? And so if you start to see, like, some questionable character issues with your guy and you think, oh, he's just like that with everybody else, he's not like that with me.

Oof.

I mean, I think you're going to be in for a big surprise.

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I don't know if I've shared this with you, but when I was in my 20s, I maybe. Tell me if I've talked about this on the podcast already, but I guess I'm going to tell it again. Anyways, I was going out with this girl, and I found out later that she had a boyfriend, and we were, like, dating. I was like, my early 20s. Okay? So I was just dope, and I was like, yeah, whatever, whatever. You know, I'm going to go about my life. But then it was so interesting to me because she started seeing me and she told me she had a boyfriend. Like, oh, my God, what am I getting involved in? You know? And shortly thereafter, she tells me that she's falling in love with me, and then she wants to leave her boyfriend for me. But I thought to myself, no way in the hell would I ever get involved with someone with, like, you. Not only because you're already cheating, but you just have this fundamental character flaw that, like, it just becomes a complete deal breaker. And I think that a lot of us, when we are in the earliest stages of dating and falling for someone or liking someone, we look past these moments where he's lying to get out of some small little situation, and he's lying really well. And you think to yourself, well, he would never do that to me. He probably will and probably does. And I just think, like, when you can bring that to your relationship, which is, look, no matter what, we don't lie to each other. And that is a fundamental boundary you kind of set with each of you in the relationship. I think that's. That's the core of it all, man. And I think that that is ultimately why a lot of these. These people do cheat. I mean, are there examples. There's got to be plenty of examples of people who are famous and celebrities who don't cheat, right?

Oh, there's plenty more, right? I mean, it's like one of those things where, like, all the. All the bad ones definitely stick out and it's easy. You know, we know every time a celebrity cheats, right? Because we have, like, the good folks at, you know, TMZ to let. To let us know. You know, certainly most people don't cheat, but, you know, I think, you know, a corollary to your, you know, look for the liar kind of thing is it's not just about not lying. It's about just being honest, right? And so being honest means being honest with your partner about where things are going well and where things are falling short. Because, you know, some of my own research shows that a big motivator, a big driver for cheating is not getting your needs fulfilled, right? And so there's all kinds of different needs you can, you know, need to fulfill in a relationship. And it's like, emotional and sexual. And one of the big ones that I've researched is the need for self growth, right? This need for expansion of the self. And so we really look to our relationship partners to help us become better people. And so our romantic partner is one of the main people in our life that we look to to help us improve. And so if our partner isn't helping us become a better person, then we're kind of stuck or what happens. And what my research shows is, like, you start looking to other people to perform that role for You. And so what we find is that when people consider their relationship to be low in self development, they're not getting the amount of self growth that they really want and need. It's insufficient for them. They, they feel more susceptible to cheating. You know, we have research showing that those people actually do cheat more. And it's. So it's not even just how much fulfill self fulfillment you're getting now. It's also if you think going forward in the future your partner is not going to help you grow in the future, that also makes you more inclined to cheat because fundamentally you want to be with somebody. Like, you want to have that relationship synergy. Like you want to have you and your partner coming together, both helping each other become better people so you have a better relationship. If you don't think that's where your relationship is going, you're getting out of there. So one way to get out of there, the soft like, you know, kind of the easy back burner way to get out of there is you test it out with a cheating relationship first and then you kind of segue on out.

Yeah, I could definitely see that. Especially for people who get married early on in life. Like, I feel like when you're first getting together with someone, you're trying to predict their trajectory and it's kind of hard to do, especially if you're in your 20s, I think especially because, you know, if you meet a guy and he seems great, he's got a good job, but like you don't really know he's smart, how are we going to project out what he's going to be like when you're 50, right? And he's 50 and let's say you're the type person who's growing every single year and you're making things happen, but he's just not on that level. I could see how this massive disconnect starts to happen. In fact, I'm part of this business mastermind of other kind of coaches and, and people in the, in the space that we're in, in the educational space and a lot of these guys are in. Women are very, very successful. And actually someone brought this up in the mastermind. They were like, I feel like the woman that I married because I'm going through all this growth right now is just not on the same level as me. And it was a tricky moment because it was like, this is not a, it never looked at me. I'm like, keep me out of this one. Okay, I'm not, I'm not commenting. We need Gary to come in as our relationship, but I'm sure that that just happens a lot. And he was young, you know, I could. He was, like, probably in his, like, late 20s or something like that. He probably married early, and now he's seeing, like, holy crap. My trajectory is this way, and her trajectory is not on that level.

Yeah. I think it's especially difficult, you know, when you're in your 20s and getting together early, because at that point, you really don't know who you are. And that's still a work in progress. Right. And so it's definitely gonna be more difficult then, but I think it's also gonna be difficult forever in some ways, because we're really bad at predicting the future. So we have a hard time kind of predicting our own trajectory.

Right.

Like, I don't know about you, but, like, you five years ago, would you have really predicted this is kind of who you are and what you'd be doing? And, like, I. Not at all.

I have a purple wall behind me. No, I don't think.

No behind me back then. So we're bad at kind of predicting the future. And so being able to predict our future with our partner going parallel with us alongside is. Is tough. And so it's easy to start feeling those paths diverging and it becoming problematic for having your needs fulfilled. Which is why that honesty piece is so important.

Don't you think, though, as well? When it comes to celebrities and people who just reach a certain level of fame, I feel like you get to a point where you just start to legitimately think you're better than everyone. And I would have a feeling a lot of these celebrities go through that process where they're like, I don't need her. Like, oh, my God, I'm now famous. I have all these people, like, she's not on my level. And it's like, dude, she is on your level, man. Just like, take a step down here. Do you feel like that's a part of this?

Yeah, I think we call those people in psychology narcissists.

Yes.

Right. Like, it's. It's like. And maybe. And this is what I was saying earlier about, you know, kind of jokingly saying, well, don't become famous, because a lot of things are going to be out of your control. You may not be a narcissist, but, like, the celebrity world, I feel like there's so many things, again, conspiring against you. They're going to help kind of inflate and promote that narcissism that might be latent inside of you. Right. But we do know the research shows that narcissists are more likely to cheat. People that have those dark triad traits are more likely to cheat. And so, you know, do celebrities, are they narcissists and that's how they end up as celebrities, or does the celebrity make them more narcissistic? I, for, frankly, for this, it doesn't really matter. Right. But it's definitely something, you know, so many of the, the people listening to this probably aren't. Aren't dating celebrities, but, you know, that's the kind of thing you can look for. Right. So we've already talked about, you know, not, not having enough self fulfillment in your relationship. That's a problem. Available alternatives. That's a problem. This other thing is like looking for those narcissistic kinds of, like, I'm the, I'm the man. I'm the best. I'm on this great stuff. Like, you need to honor, like, you need to like, bow down to me and, you know, that partner always needs a spotlight kind of thing. That can be tough.

Yeah, it can be tricky. I luckily haven't coached a lot of celebrities, only like a couple over the years and some really successful people. But I do remember when I was on this horrible, horrible reality TV show called K plus Date, and I don't know if you've ever seen that show, but don't watch it. It's with Kate Gosselin. She had eight kids and was famous for whatever reason, and my job was to help her find love. I was a matchmaker on the show. And that like, was. Oh, my God, that was me blowing up my brains on that show. But every date that we set her up on throughout this process, she just felt like she was better than every single one of them. Like, you don't even know this person. Who do you think you are? And a lot of it was me just honestly knocking her down a peg. And she did not like that. And it was not helpful at all.

And it's just you not.

Yeah, but can fame make you a narcissist? Is. Is narcissism something that is within us? Or can it be based on our environment that creates that narcissism?

I think this is like one of those great, like, grand questions of life. Like, is it. Is it nature or nurture? Like, were you born a narcissist? Or like, can it be cultivated? I mean, personally, I'm a, I'm a social psychologist, right? So social psychologists, it's all about the power of the situation and the power of this. Of the context. Right. The world around you. So, yeah, the social psych perspective would be, you know, however narcissistic you are, if you surround yourself with the right, or in this case, wrong people. Right. And have the wrong kinds of experiences, you can become more narcissistic, even though you don't necessarily want to.

In some ways, yeah.

The aft it can go the other way. Right. I mean, it can also be. And this is why I said, you know, maybe don't be famous to help your relationship. But, like, you know, the good news about that whole situation thing is, like, who the person you're born as isn't destiny. Like, you're not stuck as whoever you are. And so, you know, as much as it seems like, oh, my gosh, people can become more narcissistic by hanging out with the wrong people and having these experiences. That sounds horrible, right? But then that just also tells you, well, hang out with the right people and have the better experiences, like, and you're going to be fine.

Yeah, no, I agree with that. And I think the same with your partner in some ways, like, I don't know, I am in no way, shape or form famous. But when we first started dating, Jess and I, like, the YouTube channel was breaking up, blowing up. It was going and doing really well. And sometimes we would, like, run into people who knew me, and I'd be like, have this big chest out, and I'd be in this. She's like, dude, you're not a big deal. And she's like, make fun of me. She still makes fun of me in front of people all the time in some ways. Like, I kind of like that. I'm like, yeah, knock me down. Like, if I'm saying big things or, like, I'm. And now I know kind of not to do that. I like it. It humbles you. And I think that that is. Is also just kind of a part of all this. So I don't know if you're dating a celebrity, maybe just knock them down a peg. What do you think?

Yeah, well, I think that goes back to something you said earlier, which is it's. It's. There's a discipline to this, right? There's a discipline. You know, it's. Commitment is a discipline. Commitment is a choice, right? And it's a commitment is a choice to your relationship you make every single day. And so part of that discipline is if you're starting to feel like, oh, I'm a little bit too good for them, like, no, maybe your partner's not knocking Down a peg. But like, you can do that for yourself too. Like, you know, you can be, you know, humility is useful in many contexts, right? And I think the other piece particularly, you know, as it relates to celebrities, they have a lot of alternatives. There's not a lot they can do about it. And you know, maybe you or your partner in your relationship has a lot of alternatives too, for whatever reason.

But what we do, no options, zero options, no options.

But the thing is like, even with, when there's a lot of options, it doesn't necessarily mean you have to act on those options. And what the research shows is people in highly committed relationships, right? That they're making that decision to be in that relationship every day. They have that discipline. What they do with those alternatives is something that the researchers call fancily derogating alternatives. Which basically means you just find faults, right? Anybody that seems like a potential alternative, you find reasons why they're not a potential alternative, they're not smart enough, they have an annoying personality, their laugh is annoying. Like they're, you just find like. And that's the thing is like you can find really good things in anybody. And you can also find reasons not to date people. And so in this case, when an alternative presents itself, you basically just start picking at them and finding all the reasons why this would never work out.

Like, yeah, you know, we don't, we.

Don'T like the same types of food. You're a vegan, I like meat, you know, whatever it happens to be. And you're just like, oh, that's a deal breaker, can't even consider it, right.

And I think that celebrities, to your point earlier as well, are the type who always want more, they're always pushing for more. Highly successful people, it's just related to that are tend to be like that. And I, that it's tricky because women are, tend to be attracted to highly successful and motivated and financially well off men. But at the same token, those are the types of people who are always looking for more and more and more. And so I will remind my clients who are looking for something more stable and they're looking for a man who will really lean into a committed relationship that they need to start looking outside of that archetype of a guy. Because there's just some guys out there who are always looking for the next best thing. And those guys happen to be the most, sometimes many times the most charming, the most like just ambitious. The guys who are like always want more, more, more, more. And those are the guys who will use you abuse you and not talk to you again. And so just got to be really cautious about that. Those types of men, and get really clear about what it is that you're looking for in a relationship as you're kind of getting out there meeting people.

Yeah, no. You know what we call that in relationship science is this idea of fatal attraction. Like, sometimes the thing that you are actually attracted to most initially, like that confidence, that ambition, that success later becomes a thing you don't like and causes you problems. Right. So as much as you want this certain type of guy, perhaps that has exhibits all these traits. Okay, well, like, you got to look behind the curtain a little bit, and it's like, what goes along with that? Like, what's actually driving some of those behaviors? And like, how does that translate? And how does that not only translate, you know, with this person, but, like, how does it translate over time? Right. Like, so is they might be into the throw of the chase, but not necessarily the keeping of what they're acquiring along the way. And so, yeah, you know, you got to look at the big picture.

Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah. It just brings to mind I've had a number of clients who are in Manhattan. Nothing against people who in Manhattan. I was actually in Manhattan this past weekend, saw Hamilton, which is really cool, but another side story. But I'm thinking back to one client in particular, and she's really ready to start a family. She really. She was very successful herself, and she was always drawn to guys who are in finance. And that was like her thing. And she wanted to meet a guy who was in finance, but she also wanted to have a family, and she wanted to settle down, and she wanted a man who was always there and was really ready to be a dad. I'm like, just trying to speak to her rational side of her brain. I'm like, have you met a finance guy who doesn't work a lot of hours in New York City, who doesn't do a lot of cocaine and who is probably like, it just doesn't. Good luck. Good luck. So we gotta, like, we gotta look in a different direction. Sorry. If anyone here is a finance person in New York, you're probably on drugs right now anyways.

Have you seen the Wolf of Wall Street? That's all.

Yeah. What do they have in Wolf of Wall Street? The. The. The pills that they take. Is that Wolf Wall Street?

I don't know.

I don't know. All right, I'm gonna. I'm gonna Google it while you, While you're talking. Wolf of Wall street drug. What is it?

But, you know, it is something that Quaalude.

Okay. They might be all throwing Quaaludes as well.

Just, just things to look out for. People look out for cocaine. Quaaludes help with this.

All right, so let's, let's get this train back on the track. All right, so what is the under underlying lesson here? What do you think for, for women who are getting out there and dating, obviously, 99 of people who are listening are not actually trying to date celebrities. Is there an underlying lesson to keep in mind?

Yeah, I mean, I would say, you know, first, don't date celebrities. Don't become famous. But also, you know, look for some of those, you know, you have to monitor the alternatives in your life. Like, you can't control whether your partner cheats necessarily. Right. I mean, that's always going to be up to them. But for you, you have to control the alternatives. Right. And so, like, sometimes that's going to be about not putting yourself in bad situations. It's that, you know, if you're on the, like, don't. Don't visit the buffet if you're on a diet. Right. Kind of thing. So don't put yourself out there if alternatives present themselves to you. Don't kind of like, make it more tempting than it needs to be like that. Harmless flirting is very rarely harmless. And so, you know, rather than doing some harmless flirting, start doing some active derogating of those alternatives and finding things that might not be quite right with them and, you know, reasons why you should be, you know, faithful to your partner and reasons why that person's not so great for you. And the last one, I think, is, you know, just make sure you're being really honest with your partner about, you know, your needs and what's going well, what's not going well, and, you know, where you feel like things are falling short. So that rather than kind of shopping outside of your relationship to get those needs fulfilled, you know, you, you, your partner can do all those things and probably really wants to do all those things. They just may not know that you're lacking at the moment.

Yeah, well, I, I love that. Let's. Let's end this on 18. Famous people have cheated on their partners and straight up admitted it. All right, we got Kevin Hart, Mario Lopez, that guy. Talk about options. That guy looks like he's 20 and he's like 50. I don't know how that's possible. Jessica Simpson. Okay. Jude Law. Who is this? Kris Jenner. Interesting. Okay. Arnold Schwarzenegger. They all do. They. Maybe they all don't, but. Well, I don't know. I. This. This is me, Jay Z. You're right.

Jay Z for sure.

They're still together, though, aren't they?

Yeah. I mean, she made a whole album about it. Her whole album. Lemonade was all about him cheating on her.

All right, all right.

Maybe very recently, like, adam Lavine from Maroon 5 was sending. I. I don't know, the whole. I don't get tmz, but it's like that. That was a big one lately. Like, Adam Levine was. Was doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing.

This is just two guys talking about, like, celebrities, and we clearly don't know anything about celebrities, but we know the underlying science and psychology of relationships and dating, so. Oh, man. All right, why don't you guys leave a comment if you can and let us know your favorite celebrity who's cheated. How about we end it with that? Gary, this was a fun one. We didn't talk about what we're going to do next week, so we'll just kind of leave this. Oh, one thing I wanted to do, actually, if you're open to it, is how to make a man miss you. I know it's a little outside of your thing, but I want to talk about creating space in a relationship in a healthy way. What do you think? That.

Love it.

I don't think we've talked about that yet.

Yeah, that. There's actually a lot of great research on that, so I would love to let. Let's do it.

All right, until next time. Thanks, Gary. That was fun.

All right, take care.

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