Why 'The Notebook' Sets You Up for Relationship Failure

This movie is really fun to watch, but it's dangerous, dangerous to follow in terms of kind of taking your cues about relationships and what's ideal and what a good relationship is and isn't and how you know if you're in love. There's just so many things that are bad.

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship or, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. All right, Garrett, today we're going to be talking about why the Notebook sets you up for relationship. Relationship failure. Now, I should say going into this, do you know the easiest way to make Jessica cry? My wife cry? What do you think I'm gonna say? That's a horrible way to start a podcast. I mean the good type of cry, not the bad cry.

Okay, good cry. Leaving the cabinet doors open in your kitchen.

Well, we know she will cry with anger because of that. No, the answer is, the easiest way to get my wife to cry is to tell her that when we get old, I'm going to lose my memory and she's got to tell me about my life because I have. It's just like the Notebook. And then we're going to get into bed and we're going to both die together in each other's arms. It gets her every time, man. Like, it's just without fail, it's. It's a sweet cry. It's a very nice cry. It also gets me get a little tear. Am I going to cry on this podcast because I am such a SAP with this stuff. I want to get my.

You might. I. I am going to be honest. I rewatched the movie last night in preparation for today's podcast. I. I didn't just cry once. I cried a solid two times. And the second one a little, actually, I'm telling you this, a little bit of an ugly. It was like.

This. This announcement is for everybody and I love Strategies. The team's growing quite a bit. So we all do end of what we call end of day reports. And you kind of just say, like, what did you do for work that day? Just so we're all on the Same page in Gary's end of day report. He goes, I watched the Notebook. I'm like, dude, that's not work.

You know what? It's the best kind of work. It's the kind of work that I get to do where I get to watch romantic comedy movies and sadly for some people listening today, tear them apart a little.

Well, that segues us into this topic that may or may not get us hated on the Internet or from the Love Strategies community, but I think it's actually a really fun topic and it's actually really important. There's a lot of really good lessons to be learned from that. That movie. And just going into this, Gary, I think we can both say that. I'm going to say it's my top 10 favorite movie of all time. It really is. Maybe even top five.

I. I agree. I mean, it's. It's. I don't know about top 10 of all the movies in the world, but.

Of all time.

All the movies of all time. I don't know. But, like, when it comes to, like, purposefully sappy romantic movies that I like watching with my wife, this is right up there. It's like this and Sleepless in Seattle. Like, it. It's. It's one and two.

All right, so with that said, Gary, tee this up for today.

Yeah. So, you know, funny enough you said about, you know, me watching this last night, and so I. I get the DVD out because we have it from back when it first came out, the dvd. And my wife's like, what are you doing? Said, I'm watching a Notebook. She's like, you're watching the Notebook? This is literally my wife's favorite movie. And she said, well, why are you watching the Notebook? And I said, well, you know, I'm doing a podcast with Adam, and we're going to talk about. And I paused. She goes, what? I'm like, I don't want to tell you. She's like, no, no, tell me. I don't want to. And it was like, well, we're actually going to show how the Notebook has some pretty harmful views and how it romanticizes toxic behavior. And she goes, that's ridiculous. I'm like, no, I get it. But that's why we need to do this podcast, because so many people watch this movie, myself included. And we came up with this idea because you and I were hanging out together. Two guys were at a lake house hanging out, and we both started talking about the Notebook. And it's like, it's such, like, it's such a Prominent movie when it comes to relationships and romance that, I don't know, like, they're just. We need to set the record straight on it a little bit. And so that's what we're going to do today.

Yeah, I agree. I agree. Just a couple of guys at the lake house talking about the Notebook. Oh, man. My, My buddies are going to really make fun of me for this podcast. All right.

Yeah, it's, it's, you know, it's an occupational hazard. As somebody that, you know, studies relationships, I'll speak for myself. But, you know, and so you're gonna. I think you'll see by the end of this, you know where I'm gonna land on this and, and I can start it off this way, too, is this movie is really fun to watch, but it's dangerous, dangerous to follow in terms of kind of taking your cues about relationships and what's ideal and what, what a good relationship is and isn't and how, you know, if you're in love, there's just so many things that are. That are bad.

All right, so let's jump into it. I want to hear. I want to hear your thoughts on what, that, what it got wrong.

My wife will never hear this, but here goes. So the first thing I think gets wrong is this idea that, like, your first love is your true love. Like, that is the defining love of your experience is that very first love. And so Al, you know, her, her Noah, like, it was their first time coming together and that, that was it, like, that became the relationship. And so at one point in the movie, this is where my, my in depth research comes in handy. She says allie to her mom, you don't look at Daddy the way I look at Noah. You don't touch or laugh. You don't play. You don't know anything about love. And, like, isn't that exactly how it feels early on?

Yeah, yeah.

But so, and I think, you know, this portrayal of it being the first show up, it's, I'm just going to say flat out ridiculous, because it's like, why would your first love be your true love? It's literally when you know the least about love and life loss, it's like saying your first job is your real, true job.

Yes, that is the job that. Oh, my God, I am going to be this Amazon driver for the rest of my life. Because it's great. I got a 401k. It's great. No, and look, obviously some people, and I would venture to say it's in the single digits. The first person that they fall in love with, that is their person and they grow together in the same direction and oh my God, they are just meant for each other. That is, I would venture to say, a single digit situation for those who fall in love early on in life. But for the vast majority of us, like the person you are today is a completely different human being than the person certainly I was back in my teenage years. I mean, if I met that dude today, I would not like him. I'd be like, you're a brat, shut up. You think you know everything. You know nothing, kid and you know nothing about love. So don't marry the first girl that you end up with. And so I just think it's such an unrealistic expectation to think that just because you have these incredibly radical moments that everyone has in their teenage year, not ever, most people have in their teenage years of this infatuation, so on and so forth, that somehow that's indicative of a long lasting relationship and a healthy long lasting relationship.

Yeah, I think you're 100% right about it being a single digit. Although I would say it's a single digit digit with a decimal, like it's like a 01. Like it's, it's one of those things. Your first love, your true love. Is it possible? It is possible. Just like it's possible to win the lottery. It's just not likely. And so to kind of bank on that and giving that first relationship way too much credit can have, you know, trickle down effects later in life, which, which isn't great.

So I also think just on top of that, like societally we praise those who met each other when they're 15 and they're still together at 90. And I get that, like that is a very sweet thing to hear that someone's been together for 75 years. I'm pretty sure my grandparents were in that similar situation. And it's so sweet and it's so nice. But we should also praise those who get married at 60 years old and finally find the person who's right for them because they finally settled in their life, they understand what it is that they really want in a person and now they have this incredible partner that is, is in sync with them, with the person they are now. So we should, I not to say like, I get it, we should praise those who have been in 75 year relationships. But also it, just because you're getting married in your 60s or 50s or 40s or 70s, whatever, doesn't degrade that relationship compared to someone's Been together for their entire life, I think.

Yeah. No, 100%. And. And not to take this on too far of a tangent, but I. I think you bring up this idea that. That I think is really, really important. This idea, like the 75 years, the 50 years, all that stuff. We have to remember, longevity isn't the goal, it's the byproduct. Right. The goal of your relationship is fulfillment with someone who's your best friend, who accepts you, respects you and help as a person and helps you grow. That's the goal. The longevity is the byproduct of that. It's not like I'll be getting in this relationship so I can be with the same person for decades. And, like, you shouldn't think that way. And so we just have to be careful sometimes about overemphasizing or over congratulating longevity, because we all know, like, there's plenty of people who stay in a really long relationship that's not a great one. And so staying life. Yeah.

For the entire life. I think that that's the beauty. And I'm gonna continue on this tangent because why the f not? That's why, like, when people, like, that's why I think it's really healthy that women can get married later in life now and don't have, like, when people glorify, like the 50s or the 20s, and they say, oh, dating so terrible now. Oh, it used to be so good back then. Like, not really, dude. Like, if you're a female back then, you better be married by time you're 18, or else you are a blank. All right, I'm not going to get into that. You are not a good woman. All right? And now, luckily, we're in a position where you can grow as a person, you can get to know yourself a little bit, and you can leave a relationship. And if you got divorced in the 50s, God help you. Like, good luck finding another person and actually having any semblance of a good life. And I think that this is all very positive that people can get married later and then they can leave relationships and get divorced and be out of those relationships if they don't work out. And we should really celebrate those who do get out of relationships that are not healthy, even if it's not even toxic. It's just like, they don't like each other. They're not good for each other. Celebrate that as well. So I don't know. There's my rant for the day. That is a big tangent on what we're talking about. But I Think it's. I think it's a really important lesson and something no one talks about. No one talks about this stuff.

Yeah, we. Fulfillment focused relationships need to be the norm. And luckily it's something that the newer generations are, are getting right. I mean, it is something that they're focusing more on rather than just being practical. It's actually like, are we going to grow together and help each other, you know, evolve as humans? And that, that's. That. That's kind of the point.

Hey there, ladies. As you can see, we're just getting this podcast off the ground. And since we don't run any ads, I only have one quick favor to ask in return. Can you just take a quick second right now, pause this episode and just leave us a review Wherever it is that you're listening to, the podcast really help us out a lot. And it really does spread the love. Love. And I think the world needs a little bit more of that. So I appreciate you. Now, let's get back to the show.

Which brings us back to the terrible Notebook, which is the idea, you know, so we're talking about first love is true love and how that's wrong. And you brought up a really key concept in there, which is this idea of infatuation. And the Notebook doesn't just show infatuation between two people, it completely glorifies it. That, you know, we are so madly, fully, deeply in love and that this is the key sign of a fantastic relationship for the future. And so infatuation like that is possible early on when you don't really know the person, you don't know that much about them. And what it eventually kind of like shakes out to in terms of like, the Notebook. And my thinking about the Notebook is like, something for people to realize is like, Noah as a character isn't a real person. I mean, obviously he's on a movie. That's not what I mean. But it's like that guy does not exist in real life. This. What? The portrayal of Noah in this movie is an idea. It's an idea that's not a real person. It's this idea that love can be magical and perfect. And it's like there's ups and downs, but we always come back together and it's just wonderful all the time. And that's just. It's just not realistic. And this idea of this perfect relationship, I mean, if you hold out this ideal of perfection in your relationship, you're going to be disappointed. And worse, you know, a lot of times, if you think your true love has to be perfect. You might end up leaving a relationship way too soon because you're like, oh my gosh, this guy doesn't load the dishwasher properly. This can't be my perfect partner.

And so that's the kicker right there. That's, that's such an important point, is leaving relationships too quickly because they are not the Noah. And that's a big one. When I hear, like we hear this a lot with new clients that come in and they're like, oh, I'm not here to ever lower my standards. I'm not going to lower it for anybody. Not you, not anybody. And I'm like, okay, I'm not here to lower your standards, but I am here to adjust your standards to set you up for long term success. Because your standards right now are optimizing for short term fulfillment. If my standards for life was all about just like short term pleasure and feeling infatuation, what would I be eating every day? Gary? Sour Patch Kids. I love my Sour Patch Kids. Okay. Gary on our retreat brought me Sour Patch Kids when we met up on our, at the lake house. And I was very offended by this because I'm like, don't eat that. But instead, what do we optimize for? We optimize for long term fulfillment. And like long term, when it comes to my analogy with health, like good food, that makes you feel good in the long term. And so I think that that is so important to be optimizing for. And sometimes those first few times that you get to know someone, you go out with them or even you're in a new relationship and you're like, ah, he's really great and I'm really getting along with him, but I just don't feel that like, know a level of infatuation. There must be something wrong. Well, maybe there isn't something wrong. And in fact, by not feeling that it actually might be a good sign in some ways that the relationship can grow in a healthy way. It's such annoying advice that no one's going to listen to this and be like, I agree, but try everybody when you're listening to this, because this can really be the difference maker for you for a long term, healthy relationship.

Yeah, I mean we talk a lot about strategies and like this is one of those strategies where it's not a lowering of standards, it's a calibration. And like you use a perfect word there, which is optimize. And it's like so many people kind of negate a potential partner because it's like you know, I can't make out with this guy in the rain, right? Like, he's not going to paddle me around with a. In a pond full of swans and, you know, all this kind of stuff. But it's like, okay, like that's. It goes back to this idea that's unrealistic. That's Noah is an idea. It's, it's. It's an idea from a sappy romance novel that's looks really good on screen, but it's not real life. And you, you need stability, reliability, predictability, and like, those kinds of things, those don't get on tv. Right. It's just not.

It's not hot. It's just not hot. Wait, we'd be terrible movie producers if we create our own movie of like a relationship that has days where it's great. You know, you go out for dinner, you have sex and that's nice. And then you wake up the next morning and you're like, why didn't you do the effing dishes? Okay, why are all the cabinets open? You're like, I don't know. Why don't you just wake up earlier? And it's like, that's what a real relationship is like. It's, it's not like this. And I know they try to depict that a little bit in the Notebook, but it's very extreme and it's very, it's just, it's just totally unrealistic. And that, yeah, sure, the first couple months of relationship might have a level of that honeymoon infatuation, and there's some really good research about that. But just know, especially for those who are single and dating, and you're going to get into a new relationship that always. With a capital A, that always fades, that will not remain. Yeah, it won't remain the same, but it actually gets better. I think, I think that's the key point that is worth mentioning. It's not like your relationship gets worse. It actually becomes more real. And so if there's a transition. Perspective. Yeah, there's a transition.

Right. Because, you know, you're. We humans are designed to habituate. We adapt to everything. We're like one of the world's most adaptable creatures. And so you can't. Whatever you feel is this high level of chemistry, excitement, etc. Over time, that same level just gets more and more normalized. So you need even higher level. And so you're, you're fighting a losing battle if you're really optimizing for those traits.

Right.

Um, ironically, what, what the notebook does in terms of kind of triggering a lot of those kinds of feelings is it takes. And this is where we're getting into the real, like, here's the real awful. Like the dark underbelly of the Notebook is the level of toxicity in there in the relationship between Noah and Ali is like off the charts.

Right.

It starts with Noah being basically stalking her, forcing her to go out with him. Like, he's obsessive. He follows her up the Ferris wheel. He just like hangs and says, you know, you will go out with me. You will go out, like, basically like bullying her to force her to go on a date with him. And then it's just like, big gesture, big gesture. Let's go lay down in the road and let's, like, do all these, like super romantic things. And it's like, it's. It's boring. Borderline. Like, people, like, talk about love bombing these days. It's borderline love bombing with some of the stuff that he's doing, which is like this almost like emotional psychological level of like, borderline abuse, where it's like, you're just so over the top early in a relationship, well before it's warranted, by the way. Like, you don't really know this person yet. And he's just like, you're the one. I was stopped by you. And she even says one time to know me. She's like, oh, you're good, you're good. Yeah.

Here's. Here's the litmus test. I think if it's like love bombing and inappropriate, just replace Ryan Gosling with a really ugly person. Same behavior, same characteristics.

Yep.

Would that be like psychopath dude written all over it? Would you be running for the hills? Would you be like, calling the cops?

Probably.

Yep. Imagine if he was just like, had no teeth and whatever. Like, just think of the least physically attractive person saying and doing the exact same things. Yeah, then. And that. That would be totally inappropriate. There you go. I mean, it was totally toxic and totally obsessive. He, like, wasn't getting the hint at first. He was just pushing and pushing and pushing. Now he can get away with it because he's Ryan gosling. He's got six pack ABs and he's got a smile that whatever. I mean, yeah.

Lights up a room.

He lights up a room, but he was actually a pretty toxic dude. If you really just look at it from that lens, just replace it. Like, you know how they do AI now, and they can, like, replace the face with an ugly person. That'd be so fun. If we could do that. Maybe our editor or producer Jamila can actually do that. Probably not, but, like, yeah, get the Ferris wheel moment where it's not instead of Ryan Gosling, it's. I don't know. Who's a really ugly person, Gary? We shouldn't be mean on this. I'm thinking of, like, someone famous.

No idea.

No, like. Like Donald Trump's face or something like that. Not trying to make this political, but. Or Biden. I don't know. Either one.

I don't.

I'm not trying to get political here. Just.

This is one of those things. And like, I will talk about the Notebook, and I. I don't have time, like I do on this podcast that goes so in depth about the Notebook, but I bring this up when I'm giving talks or in class and I say, oh, the Notebook's actually not that great. And then people like, viscerally like, what are you talking about? It's the world's greatest. And I say this exact point. What if Ryan Gosling wasn't Ryan Gosling? If he wasn't attractive? All those things that are romantic go to creepy same behaviors, and that's a real eye opener for people. And so it goes to show that, again, this is optimizing on those wrong traits. Right? It's optimizing on the short term things because, you know, physical beauty is all about that short term, immediate, you know, feeling. You know, those endorphins from that, that dopamine hit from that. The ugly version of this guy gets a restraining order.

Yeah.

Right. So, you know, the other part that's really toxic in their relationship is conflict. And conflict in and of itself is. Is part of relationships for sure. Right. But it's like how they handle conflict is really, really bad. So they argue a lot, right? And about pretty much everything. And when they argue, it's quite physical. Like, there's a lot of, like, pushing and, like, hand fight. Like, just a lot of back and forth. When they break up, Ali's pushing him against his truck. It's just like she's like, literally physically assaulting Noah. They tell each other that they hate each other. Like, I hate you. You know I hate you. And there's like one line in there about, like, you know, Noah says, well, that's what we do, we fight. You tell me when I'm being an arrogant son of a. And I tell you when you're a pain in the ass, which you are 99% of the time, I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. I'm like, oh, Isn't that touching?

That's so sweet.

But I'm adorable. Just the sweetest picturesque. That's how it goes. And so this is what I talk about when it's like, this movie really romanticizes toxicity, right?

Yeah.

It's a myth that these. Like, you have, like, some people have this myth or this. This idea of relationship. You have to go through these fights and these arguments to really have a strong relationship. And it's like, no, no, you. You can have relationships without telling each other that you hate them or pushing them or slapping them or smashing ice cream in their face, all which you see in the movie. The movie also does. And this is, like, gets into, like, cinematography stuff, which is why I watch this. They. When they're fighting, the music's, like, all upbeat. Like, this is a happy, happy, fun time.

Yeah, just change the music to, like.

Yeah, like, it should be like, you know, Jaws or something. Like this. This is bad. But it's like, oh, it's like, all, like, light and sweet. It's like, oh, they're fighting. And it's like, oh, okay. You know, even like, the. The. I don't want to Spoiler alert. But, like, Noah in old age, Duke, he's, like, narrating the thing, and he's, like, kind of going back, and he says they didn't agree on much. In fact, they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time, and they challenged each other every day. It's like, again, aw. Like, who doesn't want that?

Well, it's like, why. Why did they put that in the movie, then? Well, it. It conveys passion, and it conveys that they care emotionally to fight with each other, I suppose. And it just conveys this tension. Like, people love tension. And that's why we teach a lot of, like, our pacing principles and, like, Little Love step five, to move slow. I mean, we teach to move very slow for a reason. To maintain tension as well as to just not jump into a relationship such as this too quickly that burns up. But they, I feel, like, create this amazing amount of tension where goes from just, like, hating each other to loving each other. There's nothing in between. When the reality is that a healthy relationship is typically quite boring. Like, it's typically quite in the center when you're in a toxic, horrible relationship. Usually it's like being bipolar. And I have some experience with people in my life who are bipolar, and I believe you do as well. And it's just, you know, the highs are so high, but the lows are so low. And you Know, it's tricky because you can talk to a bipolar person. Sometimes they say, well, the highs are so good that I'm willing to take the lows. And I would argue that life is better through stoicism in the middle with a healthy relationship, which is 99% of the time honestly, quite boring. Are you going to fight? Of course. You're going to have disagreements, you're going to have conflict. Are you going to have incredibly romantic moments that come when you go on date night or go travel somewhere? Yeah, of course. But 99% of it is kind of just waking up. Ask them how their day is, give them a nice kiss, doing something sweet and then going about your business.

Yeah, I mean, you're going to have.

Discussions, type of, you're going to have.

Arguments, but they're not going to be fights and pushing and I hate you and all. Like, it's just not going to be that level of a discourse between you and your long term partner.

Ideally, yeah, the physicality part is definitely a deal breaker. Like that should be a 100 deal breaker. Just alone. If they're pushing each other around, that's not cool. That's just not acceptable. That's like one of those moments that like, if she was in this situation and he like put the ice cream cone in her face or whatever, or you know, they push each other around. It's just one of those moments that you're like, cut, cut, wait, hold on, this is not okay. And if you do that again and you push me, this is over. Or you just walk and you're like, wow, if I accept this now, imagine what this could turn into.

Right.

Which, you know, not as good, not as good of a movie.

Right, Right. But an important lesson for real life is that, you know, not to overlook these things in favor be because like, I think sometimes and particularly the way the movie portrays it is like there's all this like fighting and stuff, but then there's also like these amazing grand gestures. And like those grand gestures are nice, but it creates unrealistic expectations. If you want, you know, guys to build you houses all the time to show their love. Right. I mean like that, that's obvious, but it's like, it just kind of made me think in rewatching again last night is like, you know, what kind of guy needs to use grand gestures? Guys who most of the time are not great. Right. It's only the guy who's generally not that great of a partner that thinks, I got, I'm gonna, you know, I gotta pull out this big thing. This. I gotta save this thing because it's not going well. I need this big moment. The stable guy doesn't need those big moments. Right. And so it kind of. The other thing that I found really interesting, and this is. This is something I didn't really remember, which is why I'm glad I rewatched it, was Ali's new husband, this guy, Lon. Good guy, actually, legitimately good guy. The. The war hero was all banged up like he. And he's wealthy and all that kind of stuff. He's their relationship ally. And his relationship is good. They're very, very similar. They're. They respect each other for the most.

You were gonna get torn apart on the comments on this. I know. So the boring guy was good.

I'm all in.

Got it. I'm even like, I'm viscerally reacting to this. Like, oh, God, Gary.

They were compatible. They were fond with each other. They had mutual admiration. He trusts her. Even when he found out that she cheated on. He didn't yell, he didn't scream. He didn't say, I hate you. He didn't. He was just like, okay, we're going to work through this. Is this something we can overcome? It was very rational, very reasonable.

And.

And the movie portray this solid guy, this good guy, as the bad guy. And that's a problem.

Yeah, that's why I think that movie was so good. Because I don't think they. I, no, I didn't rewatch the movie as my homer. I should have watched the Notebook last night, but I didn't. But I've watched it about 55 times in my life, so I think I can remember that they didn't portray him necessarily as a bad guy. That was like. The nuance of it is that he was actually a good. A relatively good guy. He was just boring. I think that's what I got from it is he's just. He didn't spark her fan. Like, he just didn't have the same level of spark and excitement.

He didn't have the same spark. It wasn't the same passion. Right. So she says something in there, like, I'm a different person when I'm with him than I'm with you or. Or something like that. It's like. Yeah, it's like the person she was with, Lon, was stable, happy, content. The person she was with, Noah, even from, like, their reunion, which was supposed to be had, was still, like, up and down. And it's just.

It's.

It's kind of all over the place. It's like, can you sustain the roller coaster ride for a year, five years, ten years? Right. No, it's just. It seems. It seems unlikely.

Well, that's, that's the interesting point, I think. I didn't mean to cut you off, but like, I think that right there sums this up in that it. Noah is the up and Noah is Ryan Gosling. Being with Noah is this up and down, intense infatuation and then severe down. But the thing is, those types of relationships within anywhere from three to six months just become down. The ups don't exist anymore because that level of up doesn't typically stay there. No, it doesn't. It's not even typical. It doesn't stay there. So now you're just left with the down. You're definitely. You're left with the fighting, with the negativity, with the grand gestures. Do you know, fun fact, Ryan Gosling actually wanted to burn down the house in the movie. He thought that that would be a great grand gesture. I found that another grand gesture, I guess, of burning down the house to show his love and infatuation for her or something like that. And can you imagine being with a guy who burns down your house? I'm glad they didn't put that in it. And whereas the other guy is not going to have necessarily the downs. He. He won't have the ups in the first three, six months. But you're with someone ideally for the rest of your life. So let's be realistic here.

Yeah. And this is where, like, there's a little bit of movie magic that takes place with. I mean, there's a lot of it, but the movie magic that I'm talking about with this is like what we see in the beginning of that movie is Ryan Gosling, the Noah character, his wooing game, like his game of like drawing her in is top notch. Right? And then they, they cut out the entire length of. Of decades of their relationship together. And then you see the end, which is, you know, they have a. There's a. They had a family together. There's like the. Him telling her the story in the nursing home kind of thing. And it's like it leaves out all that middle is like, how did that really go? I mean, because he's cut and set up, it's like we just led to believe, like it was all perfect and funky door. Now in a movie you can kind.

Of pull that off.

But in real life, the Noah guy, that roller coaster initial kind of experience guy, like, it's like you said, a couple Months in, that gets old. And if you do get married, it's like, is it really going, like, those fights that I hate you fights? And then, like, all that turmoil, Turmoil. Is that really gonna produce 30, 40 years of marital bliss? Like, it's unlikely. It's just. It's just very, very unlikely.

All right, you got one more point completely on the Notebook, and then we're gonna give you some things about the Notebook that they actually get right. So for those who are Notebook lovers who stuck with us, stick for one more negative point, and then we're gonna go positive.

The only other. It's only one more small negative point, and this is more like a context thing, is like, the guy who wrote this, you would think, like, this is like, all the. The best of how to do relationships. He'd have the world's best relationship. He's divorced. He himself divorced.

Yeah.

So that's. It's just not a. It's just not a positive. So, you know, I. As much as I'd like to destroy the Notebook, and it is enjoyable, and, like, this is like, you know, the wheelhouse of every, like, scientist to kind of, like, show how Hollywood gets things wrong. To be fair, there's plenty that the Notebook gets right, and I think it's important. Like, let's. Let's talk about some of those things.

Yeah.

So I kind of mentioned the long term outcome and the movie magic part. They show, like, all the stuff of Noah and Ally in the nursing home when he's reading the story. Like, all that's perfect. Like, it's all exactly what I. It's like you said, you know, we want to make Jess cry. Perfect. This is what makes my wife Colleen cry. This is when I was sobbing like a blithering idiot last night. I'm gonna give you the exact. I'm gonna see if I could. I'm already getting a little choked up. Okay?

So, Noah, just let it go, man. Just let it go.

He says, oh, my gosh, I am such a baby. Okay? He says, look, guys, that's my sweetheart in there. I'm not leaving her. This is my home now. Your mother is my home. I just gave myself goosebumps.

Oh, that just gave me the chills.

Right? Just like, it's like, that's my sweetheart in there. She's my home. Like, oh, chef, kiss per. Like, that is what people want. Long term. 100 agree. The notebook nails. That gets it right. I just don't think some of the early parts are really necessarily how you get there.

Yeah.

How you do get there. And this is another part they, they kind of get right. The context was a little off the movie.

But.

But this, I use this quote a lot. And so this is the idea of, like, relationships are going to take some work. They're not going to be easy because even the very best relationships, they take some work. And so the quote from the movie is Noah's saying, ally, so it's not going to be easy. It's going to be really hard. We're going to have to work at this every day. But I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you forever, you and me, every day. And it's like, to the extent a romantic comedy kind of movie can make me want to like, run through a wall. Like that was it.

It's good. It's a good, it's a good moment. Now. The only thing is, what if she took that same attitude and, and used that towards boring guy? The other guy's like, you know, this is going to be hard and we're going to go through some challenges, but I want to work at it. I want to make this happen. Let's go do some, what we call emotional experiences together. Let's go connect. Let me communicate. Like what. And try to really spark things up with each other. And what if she just put some of that effort towards the guy who wasn't pushing her around and burning down houses in the.

Which, you know, my, my honest opinion is they'd have a much better relationship. Like, the odds are like, you know, you can't perfectly predict the future in any case in your own life or movies or whatever. But it's like that situation where she puts that effort and that work into lawn. She's more likely setting herself up for success in that situation.

Yeah.

So, I mean, that's.

And relationships do, they do require work. I mean, it's. I, I think it's just, especially the first. I don't know. Yeah, I think it's. It's just such an important point that when you're single, you just don't think of it that way because you have this mindset that what's really hard is when being single and finding someone and then suddenly once I find someone, all of my problems, not just romantic, but personal life, everything will suddenly get so much easier and it's just not the case. I mean, it's just not reality in any relationship. I mean, it's different. I think having. Being in a healthy relationship is much more fulfilling. And there are problems that no longer exist, but there are Also new problems that didn't exist before that you have to work through. And just going into your dating life with that true understanding is, I think, very empowering. And it kind of sets you up for the reality of love, honestly. And you'll. You'll focus your attention on the right type of people if you keep that in mind, rather than getting distracted by shiny objects, which are the Noahs of the world, Right?

No, absolutely. So I only have one. One last thing. There's some other, like, small things that. That the Notebook gets right about, like how your parents being against your relationship will actually make you like that person more. The difficulties with, you know, you and your partner not being of the same class, like, you know, he's making 40 cents an hour, she was wealthy. All that stuff. I think that stuff's kind of obvious. So it's not that. I mean, the Notebook gets all that stuff, right? Here's one other thing that it gets right that might be a good thing, might be a bad thing. And this is just like a, you know, we talk about strategy and mindset and just having better insights into relationships. Here. Here's an important one. So in the movie, they. They talk about, you know, her saying yes to marrying Lance. And so in the narration, it says, you know, she agreed to marry Lon essentially with all of her heart, but couldn't understand why at that very moment she said yes, Noah's face came to her mind. And so it's like this very poignant moment where it's like, she said yes to marrying Lon, but immediately, like, snapped and went Noah. And so I bring this up because I think it's accurate in the sense that that kind of stuff will happen. What's inaccurate and how I think people mess this up in real life is they infer way too much meaning into that moment. Right. Because, like, what do you. What do you think women typically think? Like, you know, I. You're falling in love with somebody else, and then a past partner's image flashes in your mind. They come to mind, like, what's the mistake that. That women typically make?

They go back to the other guy.

Yeah.

They start to be with the other guy.

Yeah, this flashed my mind because that's the real thing. That's the thing that's really important. But, like, the reality is your brain is just associating the two things and saying, like, hey, these are similar experiences, and it's matching them up. Like your brain. We talk about this a lot, too, is like your. Your brain is a pattern recognition machine. And so Your brain is just saying, hey, this situation is a lot like this situation. It doesn't mean that there's other situations better or, like, the real thing. And so I think there's a tendency in life to kind of take these moments as more meaningful than they are. And so it's like, it's mythical, it's. It's magical.

It's fate.

It's fate. But it's like, it can be mythical and magical, but it doesn't mean it's meaningful. Like, it's like your brains kind of flash in, like, these pictures, and it's like, you know, I had a dream about my past partner. I was like, okay, you know, you can have dreams about lots of things, and it doesn't always mean something, right? And so I think that's important is, like, you're gonna. People that you've had a meaningful connection with in the past, they're gonna flash to mind and come to mind at all different times in the future because those memories haven't gone away. Your brain just kind of. Something triggers it, and it's like, oh, it just. But it doesn't necessarily mean that you're making a mistake or with the wrong person or any of that stuff. So, you know, this is like, one of those times where, like, don't overthink it.

I just think if you have the belief system that there's only one person for you, then, like, the one this person, like my soulmate, is out there, and there's only one person that I could potentially be with for rest of my life. If you have that belief system, then you're going to attach a lot of meaning to that moment where that person kind of pops into your mind, because then you'll be thinking, well, maybe this isn't the one. That is the one. But if you can reconfigure your mindset to what Gary and I both believe is the truth, and I think there's a lot of science to back this up, is that there isn't just one person. It's a decision of multiple. There are multiple different roads you could go on, just like there are multiple professions you could have in a different universe. I'm, like, doing management consulting, because that was my first career. It's just like. It's just a different path. And yes, some are better than others, and you use the information you have at the time to make the best decision you possibly can. If you decide that that decision was wrong, you revert and so on, so forth. But, like, there is no just one person. There Isn't like there's many different paths you could go down, and you, at some point, just. It is a decision, it's a choice. And that's like the least effing romantic thing you can say about love. But if these movies didn't exist, I think that that mindset could be a lot easier to actually, like, internalize for people when they're dating. So I think it's perfectly natural for people to think about their exes. Although, Jess, if you're watching this right now, I've never thought about an ex girlfriend ever. I promise. Right, Gary, you've never done that, right?

What exes? I don't know.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You know, so I. I think to just kind of wrap this up, you know, it's something that we say a lot around here is, you know, know, follow your heart, but take some strategy with you. And so I. I think when it comes to the Notebook, like, to. To kind of like, put this all in proper context, like, follow your heart. Like, watch the movie. Like, it's enjoyable. There's some really great romantic moments. It's a great movie because it gets you to talk about relationships with your partner, right? It's. It's a great conversation starter. So, like, please, we're not saying don't watch the Notebook. Follow your heart. Like, that's totally fine, but keep this conversation in mind so that, like, you can see some of the bad patterns, you have some strategies for how to deal with those things, and you basically don't fall into the traps that that movie is setting for you in terms of, you know, glorifying the toxicity and unexpected, you know, too high expectations and all that garbage?

Yeah, we. We say it all the time. I mean, we want you to find a partner that you are massively attracted to, who you're compatible with, who's your best friend.

That.

That's. That is the standard we set around here. Now, the way that we adjust and calibrate that standard is that you don't have to be massively head over heels attracted to that person the moment you meet them because he's hanging off a Ferris wheel and doing grand gestures. That can actually. The attraction piece can grow. Now if it doesn't grow, move on. We're. We do not. Look, do you know how often we are telling clients to move on from guys that they are just. They're trying to make the attraction work, but it's just not there. The spark isn't there. Next. But you got to give it A shot. And you got to go into it with an open mind and an open heart, and then you got to be willing to move on and actually move next and then continue the process. I feel like Gary and I are like kind of like the romantic killers, but in many ways we are there to maybe kill the romance a little bit in the short term so that you can have that moment at the end of your life where you are staring into that man's eyes who is your best friend. And then you die together in a beautiful, romantic way in bed. And then the birds fly away in the ending scene. And it's just a beautiful movie. That's what I'm going for for all of you.

It's. Yeah, it's a little bit of romance killing, but it's really like killing. It's optimizing for the long term. Romance where you're talking about, look, that's my sweetheart in there. She's my home. That's romantic, right? So we're optimizing for that kind of romance and really not for the over the top gestures, the toxicity, the yelling, the pushing and all that high energy passion stuff. Not optimizing for that. So it's just. It's a different kind of romance, I think.

Yeah. All right, so I'll leave it at this. If you guys enjoy this, this type of content and you've been digging this kind of breakdown of this movie. If you want us to do this for other movies, other, I don't know, celebrities, other things, let us know in the comments because I really enjoyed this. This is a fun new piece of content. I've never created anything like this before. And I mean, Gary, Gary did a lot of this research watching the movie with his wife last night. Tough, tough night of research. But I'm happy to do more research on anything else that you all want to hear about because this could be really fun and spice things up. So just let us know in the comments on YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, wherever you're watching this or listening to this, just let us know. We'd love to hear from you. All right, so now you've reached the end of the show. Please make sure you follow and subscribe to the Love Strategies podcast, where wherever it is that you're listening so that you never feel alone again on your journey to love. As always, if you want to unlock all of our love strategies and begin your love life transformation, head over to lovestrategies.com to get started. Stay beautiful and speak to you next week.