Why Your Relationships Only Last 3 Months: The Friendship Phenomenon

I call it the three by three rule. Three weeks to three months. It goes from this, like, just incredible connection. You guys just have so much in common. You want to spend every second together. You're. You're having amazing sex. Everything is just perfect. And then it's just like, wait, what's happening? And you feel like slipping from your fingers. So I think you're going to get a lot from this today. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. Why do all of your relationships last only three months, Gary? That is the topic of. Of today. And I have a solution to this. I learned about this service about a month ago. My buddy Jason, who happens to be gay, He's. He's hilarious. This guy is amazing. And he was telling me about this service where you can pay someone $400 and they will act as your therapist, a couple's therapist, but that couple's therapist will always side with you. What do you think about that? I think we.

Who doesn't like to feel right all the time.

Yeah. I was like, he's really funny. He's in and out of relationships. He's like, hooking up with all these guys. And he's telling me about it. He's like, you know what? I think I'm just going to get this service that you can just pay this therapist. They'll always agree with you. I'm like, is that a legit certified therapist? He's like, no, they're like, based out of, like, the Philippines or something. It's a total scam, but it's an amazing service. If you're in a fight with your partner, just hire them and oh, man, they'll. They'll side with you. And I found that so funny. I'm like, I have to bring that up to Gary.

Isn't that the thing, though, with relationships, too, is like, how many people come to us struggling with relationships, but then, you know, part of the struggle they have, at least at first, is kind of getting over the way they've always been doing things. It's like, because you Just want to be told that, like, everything you're doing is right, and if you keep doing this, think good things are going to happen, but the fact of the matter is, if what you were doing worked, it would have worked by now. And you have to figure out what patterns you're falling into that's causing things not to work out the way you want.

Yeah. I do believe that's why Love Strategies has grown so much over the past three years, is there are so many coaches out there who will always be like, you're doing so great. You're amazing. You deserve love. Don't change a single thing about your perfect self, and the right man will just manifest into your life. And then they come to us and we're like, has that worked? How's that going for you? How's that manifestation going? Let's get to work. And it's not to say that there's, of course, challenges with men, there's challenges with the man that you might be dating, and so on and so forth, but a lot of what we're going to be talking about today is the one variable that we can always control, and that's us. And so I think that that's been a huge, huge part of our growth and our success is. It's like. It's a lot of that love and encouragement, but also little bit of that tough love as well. Right, Right.

Yeah. And so, you know, what we're really going to talk about today is what I think is one of the most frustrating experiences people can have in the dating world, which is you get into a relationship, things are amazing. Like, everything's perfect. Like, he's perfect, we're perfect. Everything's. It's. Every time we hang out, it's. It's just, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Amazing. And this lasts for two, really, three months. Three months seems to be this weird, magical cutoff. And then all of a sudden, around three months, it all just kind of crashes down to earth, and you're like, what the heck is going on? And now it's super frustrating because things were going so well, and you just kind of expect, like, the way things are now, it's just going to be like that forever. Like, this is just gravy the rest of the way. But now things start falling apart, and it's like, now you got to think, I got to go back to online dating. I've got to go back out there. You know, I don't want to have to start all over. And so, you know, we're here today. To kind of unpack this weird phenomenon and explain kind of what's going on.

Yeah, Yeah. I think it's so important. I call it the three by three rule. Three weeks to three months. It goes from this, like, just incredible connection. You guys just have so much in common. You want to spend every second together. You're. You're having amazing sex. Everything is just perfect. And then it's just like, wait, what's happening? And you feel like slipping from your fingers. So I think you're going to get a lot from this today.

Yeah. Like, so many of the topics that we pick on the, on the podcast, this one comes directly from our clients. And, and like, the clients, when they're enrolling, kind of like they come to us with certain problems and it's, you know, what can we do to help? And this problem is, and this is a direct quote, like, why do my relationships always fall apart after a few dates or months? Right? And you hear other people say things like, why can't I get over the hump? Why are these guys all so awful? Like, no guy out there wants anything real anymore, like, what's going on? And so all valid feelings, all things that, you know, tons and tons of people come to us with. Um, we, we totally get it. Um, and, and we get it. Like, when relationships fizzle out, it's devastating. Like, that's a terrible experience. But we want to, like, slow down just a little bit and not make it so much about blaming the guys. Because as much as, like, it's the guy at three months who, like, seems to lose interest and all that stuff, it's easy. That makes it easy to blame him exclusively. But that's counterproductive. Right? That's not going to get you where you ultimately want to go. And so let's show them how. Let's show them. What's the first thing that the women need to do to kind of break this pattern.

Do you think it's just not blaming men? I mean, if we externalize our problems rather than taking ownership of it, it's actually very disempowering. Because if. If in every situation your relationship ends or something isn't working out, we are putting it on someone else that actually makes it so you can't fix the problem. Right? If the problem is all men, all men are the problem in the planet. Like, where does that leave us? And that is like the first mindset that we have to shift with all of this. I mean, I want you all for the women right now are hearing this who are like, Oh, I hate you, Adam. Gary, what are you talking about? I want you to flip the script and imagine a man who's going out there and dating and the connections were only lasting three weeks to three months. And he's just going around saying it's all women. Women are the problem these days. And trust me, plenty of guys are saying that. What, what advice would you have for that guy? You'd be like, hey, dude, yes, women may have changed a bit, but let's take a look, a little bit of look in the mirror.

Yeah. I mean, as much as things, there are a few things that are different. Most things are exactly the same. And so, you know, when it comes to any kind of relationship situation, you know, when it comes to like kind of parsing out blame, and it's never just one person, and if it's convenient to blame just the guy, because that kind of absolves you of all responsibility. But the fact is, you have some responsibility. Here's the thing, and here's what I advocate for when I talk to clients is this idea of like radical ownership. Own it all. Even though it's not all. There's no way it's 100% your fault. But own the whole thing because at the end of the day, there's only one person in the relationship that you have control over, and that's you. So control the controllables and take ownership yourself. Right? And so instead of saying, why are these guys all so awful? Instead start thinking, what am I doing to make these guys want to leave this relationship at the three month mark? Like, what is my role in this? And so hopefully you can see just already that feels different. Different. It feels a bit more strategic. It's no longer passive, it's no longer having things done to you. It's what can I do? Like you said, empowered to take control of this situation.

I think the nuance to this that's really important to mention is you, when you start then putting that, that kind of, that focus on you, that lens on you, you, you have to only look at the things that you can control. Right. Perhaps you're in a certain age group, maybe you're in your 60s. It's not helpful for you to say, or even true likely for you to say that, oh, it's because I'm 65, or it's not even helpful for you to say, oh, all my dating problems are because I live in rural Kansas, or that I have a disability or that, or that I have hair loss, whatever it is, those aren't helpful. And Likely aren't even necessarily at the core of this. What we want to put focus on are the things that you can actually control. Your behaviors, your response to him and his actions, how you show up in a relationship, your emotional volatility or stability. I mean, all of these things are actually within your control. And, and so anytime I'm trying to look at an area of my life where I'm struggling, even outside of relationships, I look at the controllables versus the uncontrollables. If there's something I can't control, I step it aside. I don't even think about it because I can't control it. Why would I focus on things that are just going to make me anxious? Focus on the things that you can control. And then suddenly now you're totally within. You have all the power at that stage. You know, it's crazy to me, the people that actually want to play the victim card in any area of their life and just say, well, woe is me, I can't do anything. It's like, well, now you've just set yourself up for a life of sadness. Who wants to live that that way?

You know, and that's exactly how people get stuck. And how many people in the relationship, love life and dating life feel stuck and that, and that's a prescription for feeling stuck, playing the victim all the time. And so, you know, I also think it's important, you know, as you said, a caveat is with this radical ownership idea. This is not to just start piling on yourself and blaming yourself and like, whoa, is me. And it, no, it's like, where are the things in my life that I have some control over? What can I change and what am I going to do to make that change? And so with that in mind, I think the big thing you have to realize is that what gets you together in a relationship isn't what keeps you together in a relationship. And so when you wonder about like, why can I keep finding guys that have a hard time holding onto them? Why can't I make these relationships go the distance? And it's what gets you together isn't what keeps you together. And the things that you flaunt to get into a relationship are things like what? What do people usually do to get themselves into a relationship? What do they emphasize?

Flirting, meeting lots of new men, their physical looks getting into shape, feeling good about themselves. I mean, there are some things that are overlap that are important for long lasting relationships. Stepping into your feminine confidence, creating love vision, basically the little love steps.

Yeah. And all that stuff is going to be super successful with finding guys, right? And now what else, though, is there's other pieces that lead to maintaining relationships and having those relationships thrive. And that's the second half of the little love steps. It's about growth. It's about empowerment. It's about change and doing exciting activities. And, you know, the second thing about, you know, getting together, staying together, the second thing that makes it different is getting together is relatively easy. Like, if you just want any old partner. I bet anybody listening to this within the next 24 hours. If you just wanted to date anybody, you could go find anybody.

Hey there, ladies. As you can see, we're just getting this podcast off the ground. And since we don't run any ads, I only have one quick favor to ask in return. Can you just take a quick second right, right now, pause this episode and just leave us a review. Wherever it is that you're listening to, the podcast really help us out a lot, and it really does spread the love, and I think the world needs a little bit more of that. So I appreciate you. Now, let's get back to the show. If you want to meet. If you want to meet Frank, who goes to local dive bar at the V down by the corner and drinks Bud Light all day, by all means, he's there waiting for you. He will take you to your bedroom, have a great time with you, and he will suck up all your finances and be that leech on your life. It. If you want it, okay, he's there for you. But you're not coming to us for that, right? Coming for us to find that relationship that lasts and really makes you a better person as well as you're making that person a better person, right?

Like, no, you don't want to date Bobby Bud Light. Like, that's not what you want, right? Like, you want something better than that. And so that brings to the third kind of piece of this is how you date determines your relationship future. And so people are way too casual about how they date, and they're. They're just way too willing to leave things up to fate, leave things up to chance, and just not put a lot of effort into it. And what we're saying is that's. It doesn't seem like it's not a problem in that first week, that first month, but, like, why do things keep falling off at month three? It's because of how you started dating in the first place. You're not laying a proper foundation for relationship success and fulfillment. You. And frankly, the kind of relationship that you really want.

Yeah. I mean, this is really why I brought, for many reasons, Gary into the organization. Because, you know, I was a social and dating coach for 10 years, or actually much longer than that before I met Gary. 12, 12, 13 years before I met Gary. And so much of our focus was on flirting skills, social skills, all the skills that get us into a relationship which are incredibly important and do ultimately lead. Lead you into a healthy relationship if you're doing it right. But so many of our clients, once they get into a relationship, it's really. It really is a whole new set of skills that you have to learn. Communication, patience, re. Re. Configuring your expectations of what a relationship really looks like. Okay. Because when you're single, oh, my God, do we have a grand idea of what love is going to be like? And then once we're in it, we're like, oh, this. This is it. This is. This is what healthy relationships like. Oh, it's actually kind of boring. Yeah. Yeah. Healthy relationships tend to be a little bit boring. So all of those things, I think, are so important to start learning through the dating process, which is why I brought Gary in and his messaging and. And why am I talking as if you're not here? Your messaging and everything you teach about. About relationships is just so on point, and it's so realistic, and that's what I think a lot of people need to hear. And no one is talking about this stuff. No one's talking about relationships this way.

Yeah. And no one talks about this particular problem because it never seems like a problem. Like, it doesn't seem like. Like, people come to programs like this and say, like, I want to find a relationship. And then, like, if you do it a certain way, things can seem amazing for three months, and then it falls apart. And it's like, by the time it's a problem, it's, like, too far in the distance. You just don't see how the early days set you up for failure in a way you never saw coming. Like, you had no idea. And so what I really want to advocate for in this podcast especially is, like, you can't be haphazard or careless about how you pick your partners. You can't just think, oh, it's. This is just temporary. I'm just having fun. I'm not really marrying. I'm not looking to marry anybody right now. I'm just out there, just kind of seeing what's out there.

Yeah, perhaps that's a bit. That's. That's the scariest of Them all. We. We have these enrollment calls for new clients. We call them love strategy sessions, where we get on a phone call with you, figure out where it is that you want to go, and see if you're a fit for our love coaching program. This is not a plug for it. It's just giving you some context about this. And the scariest thing that we hear on these calls is when a woman gets the end of it. We open up a spot for her In Love accelerator, and she says, you know what? I'm just going to wait on this. I'm just going to kind of date around, see what happens. And, you know, we'll. We'll see. Maybe I'll come back to you in a few months or, you know, six months from now when I'm more ready, But I'm just going to date casually right now. We're like, dear God, don't do that. Like, if.

If.

If you're gonna wait on this, by all means wait, but don't date. Like, if. If you're not gonna date and you don't want to find love, don't do it. Because I guarantee, like, it's human nature, you are going to meet someone and. And you will end up in a relationship. You're gonna find someone. Someone's Frankie or Bobby Bud Light. Nothing against Bud Light here, but Bobby Bud Light's gonna pop into your life, and before you know it, you get sucked in, and it's the wrong relationship. So it's like, either don't date at all or date with intention, because somewhere in between is actually the most danger. I mean, that's. That's the most dangerous of them all, right?

Because, you know, physics applies to relationships, too. Like, there's momentum to dating. There's momentum to relationships. Like, things go well in week one. It always goes well in week one. So that leads to week two, and then so on and so on and so on. It's like, it happens little by little. And I say this all the time, but, like, no one ever raises their hand and says, give me the bad partner. Give me the bad relationship. It just. It builds little by little in these subtle ways that you don't really see. And then you end up in these bad situations, right? And the thing is, like, we let this happen. Not only we just let it happen, we let it happen happily because it feels like the relationship is progressing. It feels like things are going well, right? Remember those first three months? That's the honeymoon stage. Like, things are amazing, but we don't see how what we're doing then sets us up for failure later. And so that's what we're here to talk about today is like, how do you break out of that self defeating pattern? Because you have to realize when you date wrong, it sets you up to be in the wrong relationships. And this is the disconnect. And like you said, you know, this is kind of why I'm here at Love Strategies. Like no one else makes this connection. They're like, date, find a partner. Date, find a partner. Date, find a partner. But it's like, no, no. Date, find a partner. Two relationship figure. You gotta that second half is the most important half, right? And it's the part people just don't talk about enough. And so.

Well, Gary, I want to tell them briefly before we get into the meat of it, because I know we've been leading up to this a lot, so we'll jump in right in a second. But I want to tell everyone about the kind of debate we had when you first started here where I was like, okay, I'm the dating guy, you're the relationship guy. And you're like, adam, shut up. No, you're much kinder about it. But this is essentially what you're saying is like, no, you can't look at it from the lens of they're two separate things. Like, the way to end up in a healthy relationship is to date in a certain way. And, and so, Gary, help me with maybe the conversation we had. Actually, I don't want to put words in your mouth.

Yeah. I think I said, to be fair, I politely disagree, not shut up.

But it was like, you're stupid is what I heard, like what I said.

You know, people think of everything in terms of categories as like, there's dating and there's relationships and those things are separate. And it's like, no, no, no. It's a continuum. And how you set things up leads to future success. And so if you're dating improperly, you're going to end up in shaky relationships. If you date smarter, you're going to end up in better relationships. And so with dating smarter, part of it is you're not going to date as quickly and you're not going to have as many guys available, but you're going to find it's about finding the right guy. It's quality over quantity, really. And then that's going to set you up for success.

Amen. All right, let's, let's give them the goods here. Let's jump into it.

Okay, so in terms of like tactical, practical, Strategies, like, what do you actually need to do? You keep saying date better, date better, day better. Like so what do you actually mean by that? And so early on when you're dating, focus less on how the other person makes you feel. Right. And so what I mean by that is like we get soaked into like this. Like we want to have like, want to feel like a little sizzle. We want to feel the chemistry, want to like feel those like tingly feelings and like, you know, the nervousness in our stomachs. And like we use all of those as shortcuts to decide how we feel about somebody right now.

And that's how we're designed. I mean, humans are designed that way. That's how we feel. We feel a connection. But are we designed as humans for long term, healthy relationships? That's kind of a question. We're designed to procreate.

Right? And that's the thing. Yeah, and that's. It's exactly right. Like the research shows, like all those chemistry feelings like that, the attraction, the looking at like how curvy somebody is and the broadness of shoulders and the resources and all that stuff. It's attractive, but it's attractive in a short term mating context. Like it's designed to have, you know, you have a great five minutes or five hours and then move on, procreate and like on to the next. And that's probably not what you're looking for for relationship success in your future. Right. And so you have to short circuit that a little bit. The other thing that happens if you focus too much on feelings, all the worst guys out there, right. And you know exactly what I'm talking about. Like the narcissist, the bad guy. Like they all know and they're all feelings forward. Right. They put the feeling stuff first. Right. The love bombing types of things. And they, they withhold substance.

Yeah.

And so if your feelings focused, you're going to end up with. With those wrong guys. And so instead of focusing on feelings, you got to focus on what's consistent, what's long lasting, what's genuine, what's sincere. Right. And shift your focus. Not about five minutes or even five hours. Like, what do you really want five months from now? What do you want five years from now? Dare I say L. What do you want five decades from now? What qualities are going to matter to you in five years?

Yeah.

And then optimize for those things.

I feel like I'm really. I have a unique perspective on this, just having coached so many men because I used to coach men the Types of guys that a woman would go on a first date with and be like, hell, no. Never going out with this guy again. I got no warm and fuzzies. He's a nice guy, but, you know, I just don't feel it with him. And I'd work with this dude for, like, a month, and every date he goes on, the woman's coming out of that. Be like, oh, my God. I just feel like he's the perfect guy for me. So that tells me that the man hasn't changed, really. He's just changed his approach and the way that he's showing up on the date. He's knowing how to flirt, how to be able to build a little bit of tension in the connection. And, you know, I. I could get into a lot of the stuff we. We would teach, but, like, he could learn some basic skills and then suddenly be able to give that feeling to a woman that quickly. And that tells me that it actually doesn't mean that much. You know what I'm saying? So, like, when a woman would come to me and she'd be like, oh, my God, I went out with this one. I've gone out with, like, five guys. Nothing is there. And then I went out with this one man. Oh, my God. I sat down, and within two minutes, he was having me laughing. I just felt so connected to him. He was touching me. He was whispering in my ear. I'm like, oh, I know what that guy's doing. Like, I know what I. I know what he's doing. So why are we going to base our next five decades based on that guy's skill set that he might have on basically how to build attraction with you? We're not going to do that. That would be crazy time. This is crazy talk. So really, we need to give those other guys an opportunity to show up. And it doesn't mean we want you to be with someone you're not attracted to. Very important. Want you to be with someone you're attracted to. It's just that that first five, 10 minutes, even that first date, maybe even that second date, you might be not. You might not be knocked off your feet and just, like, dreaming about them every two seconds. But that attraction can grow. And it grows actually, in many cases, much stronger than it does with the guy who shows up, knocks you off your feed, but turns out he's a sociopath narcissist that just sucks your emotions dry. And your bank account, I don't know.

Yeah, we don't want that guy. Right? It's like if you can. To be clear, if you can fake feelings, like, obviously that they're not substantial, like, that's not really what we want. And so what, you can't fake character substance, right? Real character strengths that a person has, you can't fake that stuff. Now, the problem is you don't.

I don't mean to interrupt you, but I just want to be sure, just. Just to save reputation here, this guys, I would coach. We weren't faking, you know, it was mostly just leveling up their skill set. So it wasn't like manipulative tactics and all this stuff just to get a woman into bed. I just want to make that clear to all the new, new listeners listening in. So you don't think that I was like, that guy was actually helping the good guys be the type of guy who can attract a woman. So. Sorry. Continue, Gary.

Yeah, like, they're like, kind of flipping that switch and just kind of bringing it out like that easily. Right? It's it. And all they need was a little bit of coaching. Right. And. And that's.

Yeah.

You know, to focus on those. Those things that matter. For the long term, though, it's hard to know all that stuff right away. Like, you don't necessarily get that from a picture on an online dating app. Sometimes you don't even get it from the profile. And so we have to realize how little we know about the people we're dating. And so to date properly, you date what we say all the time. You date slow. Like, not just slow. Really, really slow. Because you're going to want. Your. Your chemistry is going to want, like, go, go, go. I love spending time with him. Let me spend eight hours. Like, let's go, go, go, go. And he's like, no, no, no. You need more information. And the only way to find more information in a way that you can actually process, make sense of, maybe have a little healthy skepticism about to see is give it some time, right? When you strip away all that superficial stuff, all the amazing things that he's doing to. To kind of bolster those feelings, like, what's left, what's there, what's consistent about this person? What's the true person? Like, what is all that stuff?

Yeah, it's sometimes helpful to look at it from the opposite lens, which is what does it look like to move fast? Let's say you meet a guy, you go on a first date with him. It's really good. It's a Thursday. He's like, hey, you know what? You're amazing. Let's let's meet up tomorrow. Let's. Let's go on a real date. Let's go on a date. Let's go for dinner. I want to take you to this place. Friday comes along, you go on that date. By Sunday, you're at his place, you waking up, making him breakfast. By the next weekend, you're practically living at his place. And within a month, you've met his entire family, all of his friends, you've introduced him to your children. And two months in, you're practically living together. Don't be surprised by month 3 if this blows up in your face. Don't be surprised. In fact, I would be surprised if it didn't.

Right.

And so looking at those behaviors, moving. Moving slow enables you to not only move slow from a behavior perspective, like as far as how often you're seeing him, how often you're connecting, but also emotionally pacing. So we have a little love step. We call it little love step number five. If you want to learn all little love steps, just go to lovestrategies.com or whatever. Just so I don't have to talk about all of them. Right now, we have a training on the front end of the website. But little love step five is all about when you're talking to a couple of guys, two, three guys. That's at the very moment that we actually slow it down even further to build that friendship, to really get to know a person on an emotional level so that we don't just jump in based on the chemistry, all the feelings that we're feeling, and. And make decisions that sometimes you can't even go back on. And many times that is, once again, kind of just telling yourself, hey, I need to lower the temperature of my emotions a little bit. I don't yet know this guy. I'll say things to our clients such as, he's a stranger. We don't know him yet. Let's give it some time. And that's been very, very helpful for our clients just to have that message reinforced.

Yeah. By taking it slow, you get a chance to learn more about him, which is important, but it also takes him more time to learn everything there is to know about you. And so pacing that out, you also help maintain some mystery. Right. And that builds even more attraction. And so it's like some people say, oh, why shouldn't I date him four days a week? Well, it's like, no, no. One day. Give it a week. Right. So then that week and then that interim period, it gives him time to miss you, to think about you. And like, that's good too, right? And so it works on, it works on both sides.

Yeah. If by the end of the first date he knows everything about your life from age 4 to 40, good luck, be the onion. It's okay. Like, that's fun. That's exciting. It's sometimes fun to be like, you know what, let's save that for next time, you know? You know, and just, just leave a little bit of that mystery, leave a little bit of that tension. Have them yearning for a little bit more and not doing it to manipulate. Just do it so that this whole process sets you up for long term.

Success and that, you know, we can't say that enough. This process sets you up for long term success. Right. And that's what's different about what we're suggesting here. And, you know, and part of that too is, you know, reprioritizing what's actually important. Right. And optimizing for those things. So one of the things we suggest that people do is create a love vision. Love vision is like the things you're looking for in a partner, but it's a prioritized list. And so up at the top of that list should be things related to your partner, like a best friend, right? Friendship. Friendship, friendship. That's what's important. That's what's important for compatibility. Not some of the things that people typically put at the top of that list. And so again, it's, you know, prioritizing your list but staying disciplined so that you actually stick to it, right? It's like, oh, he has a nice smile, but he's mean to me. He's cool. No, no, no. Like, you got to stay disciplined. Stick to your list. Be intentional about what you're putting on your list, and then be patient and demand that guys meet your standard.

Well, I think the best part about looking for a friend when it comes to dating is that most people have had friends in their life. And many people have had good friends or best friends that treat them well. And if you've never had a good friend or a best friend that treats you well, I recommend you start there. Like, start by finding that have a connection in your life where you can just rely on that person they're respectful to towards you, they're there for you when you need them, and vice versa. And just start with that so that you have this kind of like baseline of what you're looking for when you're in a relationship. Because if you've never had a good friend, if everyone in your life is chaos and they're conniving and they're backstabbing and they lie to you and they're disrespectful. Good luck. When you go find a husband, Good luck. It's just, you're just going to attract more of that. So if you, many ways, just start there and it's a great, just kind of baseline to have. And then if you have had a best friend in life who's treated you really well and everything I just described, suddenly you can pick that on your partner. You know, you're not going to know on date two if he has potential to be best friend. But you, you have, you start to get a feeling like, oh, this is similar to my relationship with my friends. And that's a good thing.

Yeah. Is he kind? Is he caring? Is he supportive? Do we laugh at the same things? Do we enjoy each other's company? Do I authentically like him as a person? And importantly, does he like me as a person? It's got to be reciprocal. And so that all sounds very, very simple and obvious, but it's there. You look at a lot of the people in your life who have failing relationships and they don't check many of those key boxes of friendship. And that's actually, you know, like we have been saying this whole time is like they've set themselves up for failure by basing their relationship on other things and not those key important. The friendship factor. You just can't under, you can't overemphasize it enough how important that is. And so a lot of these things that we're talking about is, you know, this is how you're dealing with that first month or two of the relationship, right? And now, you know, we said the three month cutoff, something happens. And so what starts happening month and a half, two months in is we start getting comfortable, things start, we stop getting at. We're out of that phase where we're like, is this real? Is this not? Like, we start, like, this is pretty much a sure thing. Like, this is turning towards relationship territory. And so the second key strategy is don't get lazy in love, right? It's tempting to just kind of take your foot off the gas and just coast and be like, I'm good, I reached my destination and now all set, don't need to do anything else. And that honeymoon phase of relationships at that first initial gives you false confidence because everything's super easy. Super easy, super awesome, right? But neglect, I say this all the time, but like, neglect is the silent relationship killer because it's not something that you think. You think, oh, this good relationship supposed to be easy? I'm not supposed to have to do anything. No, no. All the best relationships out there, people keep working at it.

Yeah, yeah. And especially for those women out there who are extremely successful and those go getters, it can be really easy when you find yourself in a new relationship to then be like, oh, great, now I'm in a relationship. I'm going to go back to my 80 hours a week, 100, focus on my career and everything else I have going, and kind of forget that this relationship really requires as much attention and effort as your dating life did. And that's kind of a tough pill to swallow. It really is. And it's. It's actually different than dating because at least with dating, you can, like, go hard for three, three weeks, then like, take your pedal off, like the foot off the pedal and so on so forth. Like, you can kind of like throttle it as you want. But like, in your love life and relationships, you. You really do have to maintain that consistency and put in the time and put in the effort. I mean, it's just, it's. It's the oldest advice out there. But it's so easy to forget, especially when you're following the little love steps you find yourself then little love step six or seven. And then you're like, great, I'm gonna go back to everything else in my life. And then you wonder why it just kind of dwindles. You got to keep it going.

Yeah, absolutely. Adam, can I nerd out a little bit?

Yeah.

Permission to. To nerd out.

So, baby, give me that stats. Give me that research. You know, I love it.

I feel like I need like, gl that, like, tuck in my butt. So it turns out that there are. There's research that fits it directly into this. And not only not just research in numbers, but it's like some ideas that help make this idea, like putting in more effort, more concrete. And so researchers talk about something that happens in relationships in terms of, like, why relationships start to. To flounder as erosion theory. Erosion theory is. It's actually a great metaphor because what starts wearing away at our relationship are things that are small, they're subtle, but they're persistent, and they keep kind of wearing away and taking away satisfaction and well, being and things in such a way that, like, we just don't really notice it. And we. Not only do we not notice it, we also, because we don't see it, we let it happen and we just don't. It doesn't raise any alarms. It's just there. And it's the stresses and strains of life. And this is why people like when, when the relationship ends at three months, it's. It seems like it came out of nowhere. Cause they had no idea what was happening. Right. And so the key to counteract that is other research that. That talks about your relationship as having a relationship bank account. Now this is a metaphor as well. And it's this idea that, like, all of the good energy about your relationship and your partner all go into this account that you can draw upon later. Now, early on when you're dating, it's all good stuff all the time. And you're constantly making deposits in that bank account all the time. Yeah, but what happens is people start getting lazy. They get complacent. Complacent is really. It's not about laziness as much as just like comfort. Right. And so they just start neglecting their relationship. And those little things are still wearing away at you. Right. There's like work, life stuff. Maybe it's kids, maybe it's in laws, maybe it's bills. There's all these things. And so what you really have to do is continue to build what we call emotional capital. And so that's other things you can do to continue to make deposits into your relationship bank account. And so, so many people just put a ton in early on in their early dating life and then never really focus on it that much again. Like, maybe every anniversary they'll, they'll do something, but it's not enough. The best relationships are constantly doing things together. Date night, spending time together, affirmations, I love you. Surprising your partner with gifts or flowers or support. I mean, there's a whole bunch, but it's like you have to have this mentality of like, what am I doing today to make my relationship just a little bit better? And if you have that mindset, you're going to be okay.

Yeah. And it can be like the smallest things in the world. You know, me in my cabinets. I leave my cabinets open all the time. And Jessica hates it. You know what? The other day, she looks at me and just says, I really appreciate how much effort you've been putting into the cabinets. I go, you have just filled up my relationship capital bank. So high. Thank you for appreciating that. You do whatever you want for the next two weeks. It is so funny that you call this like you call or. It's called relationship cap bank account. Mark and I, my brother Mark, we have always called it Relationship capital. I'll be like, hey, man, can you go golfing this weekend? He's like, I'm pretty low on relationship capital right now. He's like, you know, I already went kite surfing a couple days. Like, I got to take care of the kid. Relationship Capital bank is low. I think I got to. So we're like thinking like, oh, all right, so here's we're going to do. Do a little date night on Saturday night, get a babysitter, do this thing and this thing. And we're like literally navigating how to fill up his or my relationship capital bank. And the fact that there's like a psychological involved in this is going to make him very happy. I can't wait to tell him about this because we've jokingly about this for a long. We call it rc. We're like, oh, how's your RC doing? He's like, oh, it's Relationship capital.

Yeah, it's.

It's actually pretty good right now. Let's go kite surfing. Awesome. Let's.

Such a useful way to think about it because it makes it. It makes something very abstract, very much more concrete, right? And so the great thing about building up your bank account is sometimes it's about doing things like having a date night. Sometimes it's just simply about sitting back and cherishing the great stuff you already have, like taking a little time to show a little gratitude and appreciation for what you have, right? And like, the key with this is you have to do this all the time. So some. Some people will just kind of like, things are going great. I don't have to worry about this. But the whole idea with the bank account, it's like a savings account. Like, savings accounts, sometimes people call them rainy day accounts. And it's like, you may not be having a rainy day in your relationship today, right? Maybe not even next week. But those rainy days, they're coming, right? Like, it's going to be something with work, it's going to be something with family. There's just. It's something with your house. Like, there's always something coming. And so you want to make sure you have enough capital buildup so that you can weather those storms.

Right? And I should just say I feel like a lot of the women listening to this, lot of people listening to this will naturally say, that's all well and good, but the guys that I've been dating haven't been doing this in return, okay? They haven't been investing. They haven't been putting in the effort. I've Been putting in all of the effort. And I have one of two things to say back to that. Number one is either we're choosing the number one is we're probably choosing the wrong people. Okay? We're like, go back to the first part of this podcast. Rinse, wash, and repeat. Find people with the character traits who would be that type of a person. Okay? Now, the second thing I should mention is, let's say you have found a guy with good character traits who is just getting complacent. Communication is the key to this. And sometimes. I hate to say this, but men need to be taught more about relationships. Like, imagine sitting down with a guy and be like, look, I've really enjoyed being together. It's been amazing. Three months. I'm really excited to see where this goes. But I just want to tell you what it is that I really need in a relationship, because I want to see this thing thrive. And what would make me. Would kind of fill my tank. It's just like one night a week where it's just you and I and we're doing something special. And I actually really like it when you kind of surprise me sometimes. It doesn't have to be every time, but I really like it when you surprise me and just talk to us like we are second graders.

Like, you know, who loves that? What's that, guys? You know who does that? Being. We love it. Tell me. Tell me what I need to do. Give me the instruction manual. Tell me what to do.

Got it? Okay, so just do that. Okay, great. Now we run into problems if you have that direct conversation. Not like a passive aggressive. Like, you never spend time with me. Like, not that I'm talking, like, this is. This is my need. It seems reasonable based on, you know, what I've been learning and I've been learning. I've been trying to grow myself. This is. These are some of my needs. Now we run into challenges if there's no change at that point. But if you found a guy with good character who really wants to be with you and he has proven himself up to this point, sometimes he just needs to be spoken to with basic language. And at that point, it's great. And he might have some needs that you're not meeting. Great. Work on it. You both work on it. And it's not going to happen immediately. You're not going to just instantly be on perfect, same page. Like, a relationship alignment takes time. Took Jessica and I probably five years till. And it's. It's an ongoing process. But, like, I just think of the first year is a lot of friction points because it's like, it's two imperfect humans kind of coming together, trying to find their way. And the only way to make it work is through. You have conflict, then you kind of figure it out, and then you have a little bit of conflict, and you kind of figure it out, and you adjust and you get to know what triggers them, and you know what triggers you, and. And then you, it. It just starts to smooth out. And so, yeah, I don't know. That's kind of my rant. But I think it's really important to keep that in mind for those who are getting that visceral reaction to this conversation.

I also think it's really important to, you know, if you're, if you're listening to this podcast and you've. You've made it through this in this episode with us, you now have relationship insight that I want to say 80, 90% of the world doesn't have. Like, how many people are operating in their relationship based on faulty assumptions? And so many people think, like, once you find your person, that's all you need, then it's a set it and forget it and relationship fate kind of takes over, and that's not what happens. And so remember, your guy, he's probably operating on the wrong set of principles or expectations or assumptions as well. And so kind of saying, hey, this is. There's a better way to do this that's going to set us up for success. Then I want to make sure that we have a future. He's on that same page, too, and so welcomes that information or should. And also, you know, you being explicit about it, like, guys, sometimes, like, explicit is good. Explicit, direct, helpful, beating around the bush, not ever going to land that message that way. Right. And so, you know, just to kind of, to wrap this whole thing up in conclusion, like, remember, how you date needs to be intentional, because how you date sets you up for your relationship, future success or failure. And the other piece is you can't just. Once you have that relationship, it's not find the right person and then forget it. It's don't leave things to fate. Keep putting things into your relationship bank account. Build that emotional capital so that the erosion doesn't tear away your relationship.

Yeah. And just find your friend. Find your best friend. And just like any friendship, you got to build capital there. You got to build capital in a relationship, you got to invest in friendships, you got to invest in relationships. So hopefully that's really helpful for all of you. And I just, I really welcome. I this is, this is the type of stuff that I didn't know in my 20s and I wish that I had known. And I think it's just so helpful for those, even if you're single right now, really lean into thinking about your dating life in the way that you, with the end result in mind, date the way that you, you want the end result to be. So I don't know. Thank you so much, Gary. That was fantastic. I appreciate it, man.

Thanks, Adam.

All right, so now you've reached the end of the show. Please make sure you follow and subscribe to the Like Love Strategies podcast wherever it is that you're listening so that you never feel alone again on your journey to love. As always, if you want to unlock all of our love strategies and begin your love life transformation, head over to lovestrategies.com to get started. Stay beautiful and speak to you next week.