033 - Singleness & Addiction Pt. 2

Welcome to the Pure Desire podcast where we partner with you to bring hope and freedom on your journey to purity. Today's episode is part two of a two part series entitled Singleness and Addiction. Enjoy the podcast.

So, guys, as we think about young men and women struggling in this area, there are so many that say, we want to help, we want to be part of the solution. We want, we want to come alongside of them and educate them and help them see the dangers. But how can we do that in a way that's effective? How can we educate young singles about the effects of pornography or sex addiction without just turning them away? Because if you start preaching at someone or telling them why what they're doing is so wrong, you're not going to have an audience for very long. So what are ways that people can engage in educating and equipping in ways that are actually helpful?

Yeah, I think there's two different categories as we think about this. We're thinking about people in general who are outside of the church and say that they don't follow God. And then there's the category of people who are inside the church saying they want to follow God and they have a personal relationship with Jesus. I'd say for that first group that really there are people who are doing what I would say is an excellent job and that's fight the new drug. I think that science for the person outside of the church is, it has the top, it has the top voice, it's what is most listened to. And so to be able to use science, the crazy thing about science is that it has finally caught up with the truth of scripture, that sexual sin actually destroys. It destroys you. And not just at a spiritual level, but at a brain level. And there are more brain, the brain is fascinating. And there is now more research and scientific research validated study after study after study that's coming out with showing this is bad at a physical level. It is rewiring the brains of our young people and making it like, Peter, like, I have porn induced erectile dysfunction because of pornography. It's sweeping over our military right now and there's research going into that. And so at the people outside of the church, to be able to use something like science and say, like, you know what, it is bad for you and to get the scientific research out there about it is a huge doorway to the gospel because we can, we can actually say, yeah, it's bad for you and here's why, like, look at the science. But really these people are looking for something legitimate, as Ben has said. As we continue to say they're looking for intimacy and we have the ultimate satisfier who is Jesus in a personal relationship. That's what they're looking for in the midst of pornography. And so to point them to places like Fight the New Drug. And then to have to have those courageous conversations and ask them the bold questions like how is this going in your life? And maybe you're like, man, I'm an introvert. I'd never ask that question. But people want to engage in, in this and we can engage them, but it's going to take courage because we're the first generation that has to deal with pornography in this way. And I'd say for the second group inside of the church is that the church is trying, man. It is doing the best it can. But inside the church, the church, the youth leaders especially, we don't want to just help people who are continually drowning in sexual sin later on in life. We want to integrate this into the veggietales times of their lives. And I've heard Josh McDowell talk about, all of his kids were interviewed and asked when was the first time that they remember their dad talking about sex? And every one of them came up with the exact same response. I can't remember. He's always talked about it. And so making, making sex and the beauty of sex and sexuality a part of everyday conversation is something that is super needed inside the church to educate them about the beauty of God's design and what it looks like inside of marriage and what an invitation for our young families and our young leaders to be able to do that inside the church today, to give them the accurate perspective in the midst of a world that is so dark.

That's beautiful.

Yeah.

A follow up question on that is as we have people listening and they're married and they feel like, boy, I wish I'd have had this when I was a single person. But I'm not anymore. But I've got single people in my church that I'd like to help or there's a college age ministry. What would you say as two single guys that are in this journey and have found freedom? What would you say to married people who are listening that want to be an encouragement to either a single friend or maybe be a part of the college ministry in their church? How do you see them helping best?

Yeah, great question. I'd say first, we need you and young people need you and single people need you. You have much to offer and this next generation is crying out for solutions for real love In a pornified world, in a culture that doesn't know sometimes, you know, the up from the down. And I think one great thing to help young people is to cast vision for what healthy sexuality in marriage is. What that's been like for you. Why for you, what you're experiencing now in your marriage and in sexual. Why that is something to look forward to, why that is God's good design, God's good, satisfying design, and why that's better than the counterfeit of pornography. Like we said earlier, to give somebody, to give people something to fight for even now and then, to help them understand how even if they're not going to get married, how those, the needs that they're seeking out can be met and how God wants to meet them. And you have the opportunity to be that friend to somebody, to be that mentor to somebody, maybe to be the present kind of like father figure or mother figure or view of a healthy marriage that they may not have ever seen. Another great thing, and we'll talk about some resources in a minute, but is to start a support group for, for them or to start discipling them on this topic. Pick up Living Free, the workbook and the leader's guide. Pick up behind the Mask, which is the resource for young women. That's awesome. Choose to invest into this next generation and see the trajectory of where we're headed as a culture where this next generation is headed with unwanted sexual behavior and porn addiction, skyrocketing, of a, you know, this generation that's hyper connected yet lonelier than ever, where we can be connected to so many different people on social media, yet struggle to have in depth or deep relationships and conversations with other people. And we can struggle to have deep, deep connection with other people and so invest in them because they're the future leaders, future pastors, future parents. And if we, if we take a step back and think about where is this, where's our culture headed if pornography continues to intensify and this culture grows up with it and porn is the main educator of sexuality, the abuse, the aggression, the treating people as commodities, the deception, the shame that porn brings into people's lives. What if the majority of men and women, future parents, are all dealing with that and it just keeps getting worse and worse and worse. That paints a grim picture of what the world could look like. Or what if God used us to enter in to people's stories and offer them something better?

Yeah, I think it's great hearing you say as a single person saying to married people, we need you, because sometimes I think as a married person, we can feel like, well, I'm not in that age group anymore. They don't want to hear from me. They think I'm out of touch because our lives are so different. But recognizing that there's value, that I could speak into someone's life out of my perspective is. It's a great encouragement, I think, for anyone who's out there who's married but does want to be a part of the solution.

Yeah.

And whether you've. A lot of people ask like, well, what if I haven't struggled? Is like, man cast a vision by the like for healthy sexuality. By the way you live your life and by the way that you parent, I guarantee you as this world, as Benny, as Ben said, like, what does pornography teach us? It teaches us that control rather than. It teaches us how to control people, how to objectify them, how to have quick relationships and how to literally crave and feel like that that craving needs to be satisfied by somebody else. Teaches us about isolation and about fantasy. What if your marriage actually showed them something different? It showed. It showed freedom rather than control, where there's. Allowing the other person to be who God created them to be and then honor rather than objectification and encourage them to have gradual relationships rather than quick relationships that were so focused on what they needed. But gradual relationships to build strong foundations and intimacy. Where there's growth, there's tears, there's laughter, and where there's the growth in love and rather than hunger like that, there's a growing, healthy desire for the whole person, not just the person as a sexual being, but as a person as God create them and to walk in communion and in community and in authenticity rather than fantasy. Like, what if you had a relationship that embodied that and you talked about that as the world is being consumed with. With pornography and with the effects of pornography, your. And the darkness of that, the light of a family like that will shine all the brighter. And we need. We need shining lights of hope. We need North Star relations. Not perfect relationships, but we need North Star relationships to be able to look at and people who are speaking honestly about this, parenting honestly about this, and engaging the younger people with the ways that they're living their lives. So please inspire us to live. Live that. That relationship that God created you to live to walk and to reveal God's glory and to enhance the glory of your spouse. Like we need people to do that.

Yeah.

And I think, dude, what you're saying about the imperfect peace, I mean, I think that that's. You Know, for me, when I was in college, I had friends I was in school with who were married. And I remember being that single friend that would go hang out with them. And just because you're married doesn't mean you've figured anything out about relationships. So don't, please don't hear us saying that, because that's not true. But I found that they also showed me that, you know, they basically gave me a real. A realistic view of what marriage is gonna be. It's gonna be hard work and it's gonna be doing stuff together. It's gonna be partnering and living life alongside another sinner. And so when I would see, like little tussles or little arguments, it's like, oh, okay. Like, once I reach marriage, if I ever do, it's not like the pinnacle and I have now arrived and no man, like, more work is coming, you know, so it's setting that example that, you know, that really relationships are tough. And then two, like, with sex going into marriage, you're not gonna have sex six times a day every day of the week. Like, you would hope so, and you'd think so. But then you realize, like, man, I'm tired. I've had a rough day at work. I just want to watch Netflix and eat some popcorn by myself. Like, you know what I mean? It's just there are these things that we set up through the culture, through pornography that teach us really what relationships are like. And that's not true. And so I think that anybody that is. That's married out there, or anybody, even that single pursue relationship with people, because that's going to be really helpful for just an understanding of what real relationship looks like and the work that it takes to make it happen. So well said, guys. You know, really what we see is that married couples can be a resource or an outlet for singles. And that really is something that's important. And so other than those relationships, what would you guys say are materials or resources that single people in this area dealing with this issue of sexual addiction or pornography could find? What's out there? What do you guys suggest?

Yeah, there's some really good stuff that you can find out there. I'd say the top two articles, the best article for men. That's just short to kind of get the conversation started. This is an in depth stuff. This is Just get the Conversation Started is one by a guy named Jay Stringer. Anything that he puts out, Jay Stringer is really, really excellent. He's cutting edge. And he has an article called what Sexual Fantasies Might Say. About you. And that's a Covenant Eyes article. So you can just google that and find that another one for women is another one that he's done that is absolutely excellent. And it's called Silence the Sound of Female Sexual Shame. And he's coming out with the book later on in this year so you can, you can look him up@jstringer.com and j-stringer.com and then backslash book and you can find some of his information there. And it is absolutely excellent. And I would say beyond that are some resources that actually to go more in depth are ones that Ben did with Dr. Ted and another guy named Brett Butcher. And it's for college age men or young men who are single or even married. But it's called Living Free and it's a workbook that works through all the wounds like we've talked about and dives in to the core beliefs and how God really all in all this book is just a great workbook to really go in depth and find healing to the wounds, to know God as he is and to be able to have a leader of that group. There's a leader's guide and a journal that comes with that. So that's the whole package and that's actually fit perfectly into the semester system that a lot of the college age guys can go through with somebody from the local church or from a local ministry like Crew or Young Life or something like that. And another in depth or in depth book we always push and say is really good for women is another one that you guys have way to go. It's called behind the Mask and it's a version for women to be able to do the same, to dive into those wounds, to be able to figure out what are the driving factors and how to find healing in the midst of community. And of course pure desire is an absolute staple. We always push people for counseling and for ongoing in depth counseling treatment to you guys because you guys are the best and we appreciate that work that you guys do.

Yeah, and I would say too couple websites. First is our good friend Jessica Harris. Her website is beggars daughter.com or you can just google Jessica Harris. She's a speaker and a great writer and she has a story of freedom to porn addiction and a lot of insightful articles on singleness, pornography, sex on her website, my Website I'm living free.com I've got a lot of articles on there. Next steps to work through wounds to implement different accountability tools into your life. Some recommended resources on there and Then lastly, one thing I try to do is with my own personal Instagram account, my handle is Benvenet. So Ben V as in Victor and then Bennett B E N N E T T. What I try and do is every day read an article from a different ministry about what's going on in the world as far as porn addiction. Any kind of news coming out linked to pop culture. As I continue to read new resources and books and have speaking engagements with Jake, we kind of filter some of those things out and then promote them as a way to serve other ministries and to continue, continue pressing into the conversation of this topic some of the news and the new discoveries and new research that's coming out. So feel free to follow me if you're on Instagram there. So yeah.

We really appreciate you guys, just the insights you bring, the things that you're in touch with and that you do recognize the work that Pure Desire has done and you're getting to be an ambassador for us in the world where you touch and we're able to help you guys have a voice to the generation that you're in and other singles. And so we appreciate so much being on this podcast and what we always like to do at the end is just give you kind of one final opportunity. Like what do you want to leave our listeners with? And maybe in particular thinking of others who are in a similar place in life, that they're single and now they're trying to find freedom. What words of encouragement would you like to give to them as we wrap up here today?

Yeah, I would say that you can walk in freedom, you can walk in sexual integrity amidst this over sexualized culture. And that's God's desire for you. And if God can do that in, in our lives, despite the things we've struggled with, me personally, lots of mental health issues, lots of hurt, lots of sin and a porn addiction. If God can, can do that in my life, he can definitely do that in, in your life also, that God is more committed to you, your healing and your sanctification than you are. Philippians 1:6 says, I'm sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. He is for you. This is as much as it may seem to be an obstacle or something that's destroying your life or shame inducing. And while some of those things may be going on, this is really one of the greatest opportunity and invitations of God right now for you to come forward to get healing, to begin processing what's really going on. And I know Jake and I would both say life is so much better as a result of engaging our stories and walking through these things. And we experience God in a way and his love and through his people in a way that we may not have experienced had we not ever struggled, had we not ever been wounded. And so it really is an opportunity to grow so much deeper into experience true satisfaction as we experience God healing our brokenness in his true satisfying design for us.

Yeah, thanks for sharing that, Ben. I would say if you're sitting there at the end and you're like, man, you guys still don't get it. You guys still don't get it. Like, you don't have any idea what was done to me when I was little. You don't have any idea what I've done to other people and what I've done to myself. And I can't answer this question, but I would leave you to ponder this. Is that how much beauty was there such that God authored into your story that the devil was so bent on breaking you before you could blossom? Like, how much beauty was there such that the devil was so bent at targeting you, a youngster, to break your beauty before it could blossom? I can't answer that question, but I would leave you to ponder that and to realize that God's power, His sovereignty is not always seen. His power is not always seen in what he prevents, but in the ways that he takes the broken and the tattered pieces of our lives make something beautiful out of them. And I believe that because that's my story. God has taken so many broken pieces of my life of self contempt, of hating myself, pouring out my innocence as a child and all this different sin that I've. And woundedness that I've dealt with that has come out and really hurt other people myself. And he has made something beautiful out of that. Now that I get to share with the world the hope that there's freedom and God is more committed to me and he is more committed to you then than you are and he will make something beautiful. Trust him. Trust him.

That's so good, you guys. I appreciate your insights. And Trevor, if I were to offer some final thoughts. You mentioned earlier that in marriage we marry another sinner. My encouragement, don't ever call your wife a sinner. Preach that doesn't go real well. But the other encouragement I'd give to those listening is to say, defy culture. Don't buy into the lies that you have to be this way. Don't buy into the garbage that everyone's going to struggle, and it is what it is, and if you're not having sex, you're missing out, so you better go for it. And we are being fed a line of junk that we have to just call it for what it is and see that God has something better for us. And what if more and more people were standing up and declaring that better way and culture would. Would take notice? And so my encouragement to particularly our single listeners that are out there, say, be a part of that revolution. Be a part of a new message that really will make a difference for God and his kingdom and. And be a part of it, because it really is possible.

Yeah, well. And, you know, the thing that I would add, I mean, you guys killed it, so I feel like I don't have tons to add, but I just. I would say that if you really do want to change the tide and change the culture, that you have to start with you. You know, now that I'm a dad, I've learned that, man, my responsibility is now this little guy. Like, my responsibility, my calling, my stewardship is around raising this kid to love Jesus, to love other people, and to be healthy. And so I think that that's not going to change. Like, nothing in this world will change if we just stay the same. And I think that's true spiritually, I think that's true emotionally, I think that's true sexually, that if you are caught in the midst of addiction, if you're caught in this struggle and you're thinking, man, I'm not really sure what to do. Do whatever you can. Like, we've given you tons of resources. We've given you all these ideas of ways to get healthy. But if you really want to be a part of the solution and to get rid of this problem, you got to change yourself. And so I think that it's. It's something I've experienced in my life. I'm so thankful I found this stuff and I found freedom before I had a kid, because I'm already gonna screw him up, you know, so much. I really don't want to be a part of the problem. I want to be a part of the solution. So I would just offer to anybody who's single out there that these guys right here who are sitting with us are living proof that you can find freedom and to really dig in. It's gonna be hard work, but it's worth it.

Amen.

Cool.

Well, Ben, Jake, I mean, I think it's safe to say you guys are awesome. It's just it's super encouraging. You know, I'm right around your age gauge bracket too, man. So I. It's just cool when you see young guys who are focused on Jesus and focused on being healthy in every sense of the word. And guys, you are standing on the front lines of this crazy topic and this crazy issue that's both in our culture and in the church. And you're acting as a beacon of hope for young men and women. And so, guys, we're just thankful for you, your ministry and for sitting down and talking with us today.

Yeah, thanks so much for having us.

Thanks, guys.

Yeah, thanks guys. Been a pleasure.

Sweet. Well, to keep up with what Ben and Jake are up to with Josh McDowell Ministry, just visit www.josh.org. and again, you can check out Ben's resource, talked about for college age men living Free. You can check that out@puredesire.org living free and then also go on our website and check out behind the Mask. And they mentioned that a couple times as well. So again, Ben, Jake, thanks so much, guys.

Thank you.

And thank you for listening to the Pure Desire podcast. If you like what you're hearing and want to keep up with the podcast, please subscribe. You can also rate and review our podcast and let us know how we're doing for for more information, check out our website, PureDesire.org and you can follow us on social mediauredesirepdmi. Once again, that's earedesirepdmi. We'll see you next time. Thanks for listening to the Pure Desire Podcast. For more information, check out our website, www.puredesire.org. check in each week for new content on the podcast and we pray that it will help you find hope and freedom on your journey to purity.