034 - Healthy Habits

Welcome to the Pure Desire podcast where we partner with you to bring hope and freedom on your journey to purity. Hey there. I'm your host, Trevor Windsor, and we're so thankful you're taking time out of your day to hang out with us. I'm here as always with my co host, Nick Stumbo.

Going for the gold today, Trevor.

And joining us today is Heather Kolb. She's a regular guest, so not that you're not special, but you are a regular guest. So thanks for hanging out with us, Heather.

Thanks, Trevor.

So today we are going to talk about healthy habits and really creating them on the road to sexual freedom. So we're going to unpack what makes a habit a healthy one and talk through practically what it looks like to identify, create and maintain healthy habits in life. So are you guys ready to get into this?

Yeah, let's do it.

Very.

Okay, well, let's start with this, guys. What is a healthy habit? What makes a habit a healthy one?

Well, that's a great question, Trevor, and I'm really glad we're doing this podcast because I think it really flies against what has been some of the primary teaching in the church that when it comes to our sexual habits, the pressures, temptations, lust, whatever we're talking about, traditionally, the message of the church has simply been, no, no, no, no, don't do that, don't go there, don't look at this, don't think about that. Which can be accurate. I mean, we want to avoid sin, we want to avoid things that are unhealthy. But, but if there isn't also a yes, if there isn't an idea of what does it look like to be healthy, we're not going to be successful for very long. And so I hope this podcast really gives listeners a clear sense of what does health look like in their life. So when I think of a healthy habit, what I think of is any habit in my life that promotes greater faith, hope and love. You know, First Corinthians 13. These three things remain, faith, hope and love. And when we talk about our sexual brokenness and addiction in particular, it's primarily a self centered and self promoting activity. It's something about what I need, what makes me feel good. And so a healthy habit really is about turning away from self and turning towards God and others and looking at things that create in me a greater sense of joy, of purpose, of hopefulness and connectedness to God and others. And sometimes those activities can be the very same things. We talk about this in my group quite a bit that the difference between isolation and solitude is really just about our perspective. Because you can do the exact same two things and for one person it can be isolating and for another person it's solitude. The difference being that isolation is about running from things, avoiding things, being alone so that I don't have to deal with other people's mess or something that's painful. Whereas solitude is about running to something. It's about running to a place where I can be renewed, refueled, re energized, and that being good for others and good for the things God has called me to. And so that's when we think about what's a healthy habit. It's not necessarily about just a certain set of habits and defining those as healthy, but it's really about what does it do in my heart and my mind and does it make me more self centered and self focused or does it lead me into the lives of others and fill me with more faith in God?

And I feel like it just. If it's something that moves me to community, then it's something that's healthy for me, you know, like working out or being physical or like eating healthy. Those habits are things that are gonna prolong my life and allow me more opportunity to connect, to be with people. And I think that that's like really for me personally, that's what it's been. Is this thing causing me to isolate and go into the corner of my room by myself or is this pushing me to be in relationship with other people?

Well, and I think that there's also an aspect to healthy habits that look at having an awareness of self care really. Because a lot of people who struggle with addictive behaviors, really their brain is on the go 24 7, it's go, go, go, go, go. And they really don't take the time or make the time to invest in self care and really even understanding what does their body need, what does their brain need for really Longevity.

Yeah. And you realize that self care is a part of creation itself, that God made human beings with limits, that limits are not a result of the fall or of sin. Limits are God's good creation. So he made Adam and Eve and told them on the seventh day to rest. He made Adam and Eve to need sleep and to need to eat and did not have the ability to fly and you know, things.

That's so sad. I wish he would have given us.

That if we could only be limitless. But I think unfortunately, sometimes as humans we think of limits as bad things when really many limits, many Issues of self care or saying, I need to take a break, I need to rest, I need to eat well, that those limits are a part of God's goodness to us. And so we want to see how can healthy habits really enable me and empower me to live the kind of life God created me to live. So, guys, as we, as we think about these healthy habits, why is creating healthy habits so important? And is it possible to find freedom from sexual addiction without creating healthy habits?

Well, one of the things that they've done extensive research on is looking at research, really the renewing the mind process and how it isn't enough that we just stop doing certain behaviors that are negative behaviors, but that we have to put in place something that's going to be positive. We have to really, for the renewal process, we have to put healthy habits in place so that again, our brain has something to do, but that we are creating new neural pathways in our brain. So really, it is one of those things that is instrumental to finding freedom.

And like you were saying, you know, just go, go, go, go, go of an addict, that it creates structure for our freedom. It creates a framework for us to work around. And really, it creates a sense of, like, for me, I need. I need to know what I'm gonna do in a day, because I don't like being really unknown. I mean, I think that that's when I tend to go into boredom or frustration or loneliness. And those are things that can trigger me down the road. And so it kind of creates this structure, this framework. You know, like, if I'm. If I'm a horse that's got all this countryside, I need to have some boundaries to understand where it's okay to go and what's going to keep me most healthy in the long run. So I just feel like it creates those kind of structures around it.

Yeah. And when we think about the patterns in our brains, that's something we want to recognize. With sexual addiction or really any addictive behavior is we continue to do it because in some way, shape or form, it works for us. Maybe it's a way that we're escaping pain. Maybe it's a way that we're feeling pleasure. Maybe it's a way that we're feeling accepted or wanted or desired. Ben Bennett said this on a podcast a couple episodes ago that sexual addictive behavior is about meeting a legitimate need in an illegitimate way. And so healthy habits are recognizing that I have legitimate needs. My need to deal with pain is real. My need to feel wanted or desired in this world. And by God, that's a real need. And so if we only try to combat our struggles and addictions with, like I said earlier, no, no, no, don't do that. Don't look at that, don't go there, then there will still be these legitimate needs that our brain doesn't know how to meet and how to find those things that we're looking for. And so sooner or later, we'll veer back to the negative actions because on some scale, they worked for us. So a healthy habit is creating places where I can have a yes, and I can go to that and find healthy ways to deal with pain and find healthy ways to feel accepted and find healthy ways to process what's going on in my life. So we need to recognize that bad habits don't stick just because we haven't tried to change them, that they stick because they're meeting some kind of need. And so in looking at healthy habits, it's looking to meet those needs in better ways and in ways that draw us towards God and others.

That's good.

So what does it look like to identify if a habit is healthy for us? Is it possible for one person's habit to be beneficial for them, but then not be beneficial for someone else?

I think that that's true. I think that there really is some. Some habits work for me that maybe don't work for someone else. You know, an example, we had a family friend growing up, and I've told this story a couple times before where he. He didn't go into a Blockbuster Video. For all of our listeners out there who don't know what Blockbuster Video is used to be a video store that you go and you rent movies and video games.

You're so young, Trevor, I'm surprised you even know about those.

Yeah, it's true. It's true. We spent Hollywood Video was ours. But so we, we had this family friend who decided to create this habit that he wasn't going to go into a Blockbuster Video because every time that he did go in, he found himself being triggered or turned on or seeing something that would eventually, you know, cause him to act out, you know, in the future. And so I think that at first when I heard that, I just thought, this is ridiculous. Like, what is going on? Why can't you just hold it together? But I realized that he created this healthy habit in order to protect himself. And I remember that. And now, like, I can go into movie stores, I can go into bookstores, and it doesn't make me more of a man than him. It doesn't make me more healthy than him. It just means that that's not something I find myself being triggered by. Doesn't mean I'm not aware of it. But there are healthy habits like that, you know, to the extreme that some people need in order to maintain freedom, that they take that maybe I don't need to personally take. And I think we need to be careful about the comparison piece.

Well, I think we need to be honest about our season of life and the kind of personality that we have. So I know that growing up in college especially, you'd hear these spiritual giants that would talk about their devotional life of being up at 4am or 5am and all this time in the word. And I would aspire to that and had limited success with it as a early married young man who had no kids. But now that I have four kids, when our kids go to bed, like that's the time my wife and I can actually connect and be adults together, talk about our days. And so we don't go to bed super early. And the idea that I'll be up at 4am in this, you know, time of devotions is just not realistic. And I found myself for a lot of years beating myself up that I wasn't doing that versus having an honest assessment of the season we were in and saying, well, what in this season could I do? Where could I bring my devotional life into my parenting? And how can I have some time in the morning but maybe some at night with my wife? And so being honest about my season of life has really helped. And then also, just what's our personality? Because for someone that's real outgoing and loves people, their healthy habits might involve a lot more community and groups and being with other people where an introvert their healthy habits might be a lot more solitude and taking a walk alone. And so just like you were saying, Trevor, we have to be careful when we're emulating or looking at others because that might be what works for them. But we need to really see what am I wired to do, what season of life am I in? And that will really determine what habits we adopt and really put into practice.

Well, and two, our ministry focuses so much on the wounds and the trauma we've experienced throughout our life. And everyone's looks different. You know, just because I wasn't abused as a kid or experienced divorce or something like that doesn't mean I don't have trauma. But I think we have to be realistic too, that the habits are going to help cater or mend Some of those wounds where if I don't. If I haven't been abused, my habits may look a lot differently from someone that does. And that's okay. I think we need to get to the point that we understand that it's okay. We just need to all be focused on trying to get our personal freedom.

And one of those things that you hear a lot in this environment is really how good it is for our bodies and for our brain to get exercise. But at the same time, somebody might be able to go to a club or to a gym to exercise, Whereas then that environment in and of itself could be a trigger for somebody else. And so it's not that the activity isn't a good thing, but really the focus should be on the environment of whether or not that's going to be a healthy environment for you to get exercise. Or you might have to find an alternative.

Yeah, well, kind of off of that, guys. When we're creating healthy habits, how do we create them to be sustainable? So if we want to maintain sexual health, what do we need to do in order to make sure that these habits will last?

I think to answer that question, Trevor, we really have to look at the flip side. And when we're talking about sexual health, be really clear on the answer to what leads me into sexual unhealth or what's led into my struggle. So one of the things that we talk about a lot in our groups is our matrix of addiction. And that sounds really fancy, but the matrix of addiction is not Neo, not the Blue pill.

Different.

You're so young. I'm surprised that movie is even common for you, Trevor. That connects a lot of our listeners, though, I'm sure. No, the matrix of addiction is all about knowing where does my process of unhealth begin. And when we're struggling with something, we're really good at knowing where it ends. I mean, the relapse is obvious or the behavior that. I can't believe I did that again. But we want to keep backtracking to say, now, where did this thought process start? And so for a lot of people, the process might start with procrastinating. We're putting off a painful behavior or something difficult or hard. And so we start procrastinating. And that leads us to wasting time online and then leading to places online that are more questionable. And then off we go further and further off the deep end. So in terms of a healthy habit, you don't want to just look at. Okay, how do I stop going off the deep end? You want to go Back to procrastination and say, what are healthy habits I can put in place around procrastination? How can I build my schedule to manage my time better? How can I have margins and healthy sleep habits and just all the things that can help us really deal with procrastination? So when we put in healthy habits that are specific to our individual matrix, what's our pattern? That's what's going to lead to sustainability. Because we're not just trying to adopt some foreign practice of, I'm going to, you know, I'm going to start eating celery and carrots only. And like, well, that might be healthy, but if that's not. If it's not really part of my unhealth, it's not probably going to have as much effect for me. So I would encourage listeners to really think through what is it you're trying to change? And then backtrack to look at where does that start for me, because some people it's procrastination. Some people it's the way they respond to boredom. Others it's about dealing with rejection or relationship stress. There are just a host of things that we would look at as the starting point. And once you've identified the starting point, then asking the question, well, what habits could I do in this particular situation? And then incorporating them into your daily and weekly rhythms.

Well, and it's one of those things, too, that you don't want to try and fix everything all at once. It's better if you can just focus on one thing, get that healthy habit in place, even if that's the only thing that you work on for a period of time. And then once you have that one in a really sustainable flow, then you work on the next thing instead of overwhelming yourself.

Well, yeah, and I think too, you guys have kind of both talked about it already. Is that being simple and making sure it fits into your schedule, not trying to be like a superhero to be able to accomplish all these things. I mean, I think, you know, we talked to Bob Vandermeer on the podcast, you know, early on about some of those things. And, you know, he said that an example is that he'll never sweep his porch. And so he just decided, I'm gonna put my broom out on the porch, because if I'm there, then I'll see it and I'll pick it up, but if it's not out there, I'm not gonna see it. I'm not gonna think that I need to do this. And I remember kind of thinking through that and for me, I found, you know, we encouraged to do phone calls, right? At least three phone calls a week in groups. And for me, I have a half an hour to and from work. And so what I found is that it fits into my schedule to call during that time when I'm on the road, I've got my headset in, I've got nothing else going on. I can just have a conversation instead of trying to get up, you know, more early than I do, or trying to stay up later, or try to create space when I get home, try to find those pockets where I can already fit those healthy habits into. And that has been really, really helpful for me.

And that brings up another way that we sustain our healthy habits. When you talk about groups and phone calls is a habit is going to be sustained when we've made it part of our commitment to a group. So every group, we end with a commitment to change that says, here's what I'm working on this week and here's who I'm going to call and tell them how I'm doing in this area. So when we're practicing healthy habits, if it's just between God and us, that might be great. But it's probably not going to get real far because when it's only something I've committed to, it's easy for me to change it. But if at my group and with my family, I've said, hey, here's something I'm working on, and here are specific, tangible steps I'm taking that you can. You'll be able to observe and ask me about, then we're more likely to be successful because we've got that sense of community and accountability. And I'm not just doing it for myself. I'm doing it because others know too, and they care. So when we talk about sustainability, it's so key that you've made it part of a community and not just something you're trying to accomplish on your own. So we've talked a little bit about some of the tools we can use, the matrix of addiction. But what other tools do we have that are built into some of our groups that help encourage healthy habits? What do we find in our resources and materials?

Yeah, so I mean, the one you're talking about really is one of the main ones. It's a commitment to change. So it's a. It really is just a one sheet that you go through and you decide, is there something this week that I want to change or I want to improve or I want to work specifically on, you know, you know, for me, that's been a couple different things. One is to talk to my wife every day, make sure I'm connecting with her. Another is make sure before I start reading Harry Potter that I actually read the Bible first for 15 minutes. It's like little. It can be, you know, really simple, can be more complicated. But you're creating a plan for your week, and you're setting up, you know, here are the questions I need my group members to ask me in order to hold me accountable and to check in. This morning, had a conversation with a group member, and we. That's what we did. We talked about our commitment to change, where we were at. So that's the first one, and that's really a big one. Another one that we see, too, in the journals of our. Of our workbooks also is the sword drill. And so it really is. It's an activity. It's something that you do with scripture.

So you take.

Usually it's a lot of proverbs that we have in our journals. And what you do is you interact with it. So it walks you through some steps on how to really sit and think and really dive into and chew on what God's word says. And so this is another just healthy habit that we encourage in our groups during the week, because really, everything needs to be wrapped around scripture. It can't just. Just be something that we do on our own without the help of the Lord and without his wisdom and his insight. And so I think that that's what I love about the sword drill is it really makes sure that you're tied to scripture each week as you're working through your sexual struggles.

One of the other tools that I really appreciate is found in some of the women's resources where you're developing an attitude of gratitude. Because for all of us, that's an easy task to do when life is great and things are going well, but it's more challenging when life is difficult and when you really don't feel like being thankful. But this exercise then just really promotes this idea of even if you don't feel like it, you're going to write things out in your journal that you can be thankful for. Because sometimes we have to do, you know, we have to do the task before we start to feel it. And even just writing it out is really, really beneficial in the long run.

Well, and research has shown, even secular research, that that practice of gratitude makes a difference in our health, in our thinking. And so it's been so encouraging to find that what scripture has been teaching for thousands of years. Actually, medical research now is backing up and saying, this affects your brain. So that practice of gratitude is a big one. Another tool that is in almost all the group material is something we call the three circles, or the relapse prevention tool. And it's where you're really getting a snapshot of what your battle is. In the three circles in the middle circle, you're looking at, what would a relapse be?

For me, the crash zone?

What's my crash? Where have I committed to others? I'm not going here anymore. And that list needs to be well defined, and it needs to be clear, and that's usually the most obvious for people. And then the second circle is identifying, where are my guardrails, where are the places I choose not to go? Because I know it has a tendency to lead me to my crash or to my zone of relapse. And so it's establishing all kinds of boundaries about how I use the Internet and TV and social media and my interaction with the opposite sex. And that middle circle tends to be a lot of no's. What we can't do, I won't do that. But then the third circle, which is, I think, the key to the whole picture and the success, is where can I go instead? That when I feel triggered, rather than going to my old places, what are the things that I practice? And so it's writing all that out. And so it's very clear when I'm starting to feel those things, I don't just sit going, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I have this picture and I can look at my three circles and see my options. Oh, yeah, I've said I'd go for a walk. Or I call this friend. I read this favorite book. I listen to this worship music. I engage in this activity in my community. I can go and serve here. I do this hobby of mine that's really fulfilling. And so it gives you that clear picture of where I don't go, where I choose not to go, and where I can go instead. And when people really have that clearly defined and we hear from people that they'll put it on their walls or it's in a place where they can see it, and they say, this is how I'm choosing to live. And that really can create success.

So as we're putting these healthy habits into place, what are some things that we need to avoid?

The first thing that really comes to mind for me is just the comparison Game. I think that we as humans, it's kind of just built in that we. We really do compare ourselves. Nick, you're talking earlier about these spiritual giants who read the Bible and have these great devotional lives. And it's easy for us to fall into a comparison where we look at their life and say, I must be somehow less of a believer than they are, less mature, not where they are. There's something wrong with me. And I think the comparison leads to that thought. And so practically, we'll unpack a little bit more of what our personal ones are. But for me, I've just decided not to be on Twitter. That's something that ends up being a crash zone for me every time. And so it's in the middle of the three circles. And I've learned that I have friends who are on Twitter and they're fine. They don't have a problem with it. And I've learned to not compare myself to that because then that leads really to shame. It's odd, but I start to feel shame about a healthy habit I have put in place to protect myself. But when you compare yourself to other people, I just never think that that's beneficial.

When I think of things to avoid, it would be to look at our healthy habits and make sure they include other people. If you can accomplish all of your healthy habits by yourself, you're missing something. So if it's all about, I'm going to exercise more, I'm going to eat healthier, I'm going to read my Bible more, well, it's still all about you. So what about if you're married? What about your spouse? What about if you have children? How are you going to engage with them? How will you serve others? How will you be more intentional about community involvement and being in a small group? All those kind of things that life is about the relationships we have with God and others. And so healthy habits have to include things outside of ourselves. And that'd be the other thing to avoid is I think, depending on our personality and background, we might find that all of our healthy habits fall into one stream of life. Either they're all physical changes, or they're all relational changes, or they're all spiritual changes, or they're all mental. And really, I think to be effective, we need to see healthy habits in all those areas. Yeah, that I need to practice physical health, relational and emotional health, mental health, and spiritual health. And so I would encourage people, whether they're using the three circles, or maybe they're just creating a list of healthy Habits to look through and ask that question, is this a holistic approach to change or is it just about one of those streams? And if they find that boy, everything I wrote down is physical, then specifically think through how could I add some spiritual steps, relational steps, mental steps? Because then we're going to have sustained health and not just be healthy in one area of our life.

And I think that it's also important to remember, really, that you don't set yourself up to fail. So again, really just taking it slow. Slow and steady is good. And especially because it's not only going to take you. Like Nick was saying, if it's going to be a holistic approach, it's not just about, you know, physical endurance or mental endurance or spiritual endurance, but it's going to be all of those things. And so really, if we're just doing our developing our habits one at a time, we're going to be far more successful than overwhelming ourselves and then really promoting failure more than success.

Yeah, it's just being realistic.

Right?

Okay, guys, so we've talked really about just healthy habits and what they are, but let's get a little bit more specific. What are some healthy habits that you guys have in your life?

Well, Trevor, I'd want to start with some that might be easy to overlook and just encourage listeners to think through what are basic things about the way I do life that could sustain health more than I realize. So a couple of those that come to mind for me. One is having dinner with my family. That that's a regular part of life. It's a priority, that I'm home for that. And it's the kind of thing that can be easy to dismiss, but it values my family, it values my children. It forces me to stop work or other things that I'm doing and be a part of that. And then also I would say the regular commitment to attend church, that it's not really optional. Do we feel like it? Do we want to. That that's a part of spiritual community. It's a part of engaging with God and others and taking my family to church and making that just a regular part of our week. It does something for me the rest of the week. And so I'm not trying to say just showing up at church once a week is the difference maker, but don't underestimate the value some of those simple things can have in sustained health. Another thing I practice real regularly is journaling. I really don't like to write by hand like most men, because I can type so much faster. But that's why it's so good for me. It forces me to slow down. It forces me to really engage that right side of your brain that is responsible for handwriting and to think about my prayers, to think about my anxieties. And as I do that, it's just really a time I invite God into that process. And so that's a regular part of my week. And then one other thing I know that's been a real staple of my life is getting regular exercise. It's a way to deal with stress, it's a way to rebuild some of those good endorphins. And there's real significant evidence out there that does suggest at certain heart rates your brain does function differently. And I find that I'm able to problem solve differently, I'm able to pray differently. So it really has become a way that I'm able to engage life. And I can see a difference in a week where I haven't exercised at all versus when I'm getting that regular three or four times a week of exercise. So those are the things that come to mind immediately for me.

For me, one of my key healthy habits is making sure that I get enough sleep. Because I know that when I'm sleep deprived and something happens that could be potentially stressful, if I don't have enough sleep, then my reaction is going to be really out of balance, that I'm going to overreact because my brain has not been prepared for that event. And so regular sleep for me is one that is really important. And the other one I think is really following through with my commitments. So for me to make sure that in my mind that it's almost non negotiable to not go to group because it would be really easy to come up with all these excuses to not go to group. Especially because most of us don't necessarily feel like going to group. But I'm so every single time, especially if I even have a bad attitude about going to group, I am so blessed when I go. And so it's one of those things that I've just decided that I'm not going to miss group. I mean, if something, an emergency happens, that's a different conversation. But making that commitment and following through.

Yeah, for me, you know, one of them that's been really big and really helpful for me is a couple years ago I implemented a fixed calendar. And so that means that when I go throughout my day, I have my time slots allotted for everything. You know, some people hear that and they're like, oh, okay, you're just, you know, this like time Nazi. And it's not true. I create open time. I create creative time in my schedule. But I've learned that when I get bored, I start to get fidgety. And then when that happens, I tend to go to places I don't want to. So on one end, that habit helps me really just to stay focused and to stay going in the right direction. But then two, what I found over time is that I'm finding more health. I'm not just avoiding unhealth in that where I'm finding I'm more productive, I am more creative, I am more alert when I know, okay, I've got this idea right now, or I've got something I need to work on. Look at my calendar. Oh, okay, I've got that in two hours. I can just write that down to make a note. I'll work on it in two hours. So it helps me kind of remain focused. So for me that's just really helped because then I put in exercise, I put in time with my family and maybe to some people that seems like overboard, but for me it's just been really, really helpful.

And this is an area I really encourage people that are in a group to listen when your group goes through these exercises. Because if you're in a peer desire group of any kind, sooner or later you're going to be talking about healthy habits and it can be easier just to share ours and then kind of let others. Yeah, go, okay, blah, blah, blah. But really listen and hear what's working for others. Because we do get in our ruts of, well, this is what I've always done and I keep trying it. But when we're in that community and we can hear someone else's idea about health that might connect with us and we go, I never even thought of that being sustainable for me. So really learn from others and I think you'll find you can grow in this area a lot.

Yeah, it's huge.

So as we talk about these healthy habits, we also want to be aware that there can be potential dangers. And one of those dangers, as in any good thing, there are ways that we can take it to an extreme that a good thing becomes excessive or becomes a bad thing. And so how do we know if a healthy habit has potentially become another addiction in our lives?

So this is a great question, especially for people who tend to struggle with addictive behaviors or have an addictive prone personality, is that they will often find themselves overdoing something. And when we look at addictive Behaviors, we kind of follow those three rules. You know, is it something that is an addiction? Is it something that you have dealt with for a long time, that you've tried to quit at some time, at some point, and have been unsuccessful, or that really your behavior is hurting yourself or hurting others? And so sometimes when it comes to trying to implement healthy habits, replacing addictive behaviors, and we get caught up in the same addictive cycle. I had one woman ask one time if reading could become an addiction. And really you have to check your own behaviors and look at, well, does that mean that first thing when you wake up in the morning that you start reading and you don't get dressed or you neglect your family or other responsibilities are falling by the wayside because you're reading? And so it really does take an awareness of looking at why you're doing what you're doing and. And whether or not it's falling into those three general rules.

Well, and it's interesting because reading is one of the things I wanted to share with this, is that you need to pay attention to how the people around you respond when you say you're going to go do that. So, you know, for me, I recently, this year have just been just devouring books. It's just I'm getting into the season where I'm enjoying it more and more. And there are times that I have said, hey, you know, to my wife, hey, babe, I'm going to go back and I'm going to read. And if she stops and looks at me and rolls her eyes and is like, she doesn't even have to say anything, if she responds emotionally to that, okay, maybe I need to rethink. Like, maybe I need to step back. Am I doing this too much? And what I found, too, is that if I start to feel any sense of shame for what I'm doing, then for me, what I found is that usually means I'm isolating or avoiding things. And if I'm avoiding things, then I think that that's unhealthy. So if I'm starting to feel shame about going into my room and reading Harry Potter, then listen, that may be something I need to address, that maybe needs to be something I look at and say, okay, is that something that's pulling me away from community? And if. Do I need to. Do I feel the need to hide this from somebody? Because if that's true, if I need to hide my reading from other people, then I think at that point it's. You need to really consider if it's become something that's unhealthy.

Yeah. I think the underlying motive is really the key, that if we realize I'm actually doing this so that people will like me, or I'm doing this so that I'll look good, that people will approve, that's a real dangerous area. So even something good like regular exercise or lifting weights, if it's becoming about, look at me and look at my times or look at my records, that's probably veering towards unhealth. But it could also be things like someone who loves to blog and journal their thoughts. But you begin to realize I'm more concerned about how many reads and reposts I'm getting than actually helping people or even an activity like serving that, something as healthy as that. If we realize that's where I get all my strokes and people think I'm so wonderful, and that's why I do it. Boy, maybe we need to analyze why I'm being driven that way. Because the same kind of motives that drive us into addictive behavior can be driving us in a healthy habit. And that doesn't mean we should quit it. That doesn't mean, okay, never run again because you're worried about your times. Because that's something I can struggle with. Like, I want to be faster, and I want people to think I'm fast. And the solution isn't to quit running, but for me, it's something as simple as when I'm going out for a run to remind myself I don't have to be fast today. The goal of this run is not to impress anybody else. And the funny thing is, I don't even tell people about the vast majority of my runs. But in my head, it can still be that feeling of I'm fast. And so I'll just mentally say, the point of this run is to be able to let loose a little bit, to think, to clear my mind. And it doesn't matter what pace I run. And I find it's a much more enjoyable activity when I do that. And some days I run fast and some days I don't. And so I would encourage anybody thinking through, boy, is this leading towards unhealth? You can keep doing the activity, but it's maybe at the start of that activity, what messages are you listening to about why am I doing this? And if you remind yourself this is about my health and being healthy for others, then I think you'll do the activity with the right spirit.

Well, what you're speaking to is identity. So if you're finding your identity or your worth in your habits or your activities, then that's where the problem then becomes. This should be an outflowing of the identity we already have in Christ. But if it's starting to pull, you know, and it's starting to turn a little bit towards that, that's where the problem starts. Okay, guys, so this has been great so far. I mean, I think that this has been really practical and really helpful. And I hope that all the listeners out there are really taking just from our experience with healthy habits. And so usually, guys, we end every episode with this question, just really, what are the final tips or encouragements that you'd give to someone? So someone who's out there who maybe already has some healthy habits or are thinking about implementing some healthy habits, or maybe someone even who doesn't really understand what it means to have a healthy habit in their life. What are just some encouragements you'd give to those people?

Yeah, I think my encouragement, Trevor, would be to say, make sure that you spend as much time and energy investing in and developing your healthy habits as you ever did in investing in or developing your unhealthy ones. Because I think that's a reality we have to face, is that many of us spent years or even decades developing unhealthy habits and addictions where we would spend hours in a day with our mind preoccupied by something healthy and then we unhealthy and then we look at our healthy habits and think it should just happen overnight or hey, this was my resolution. It's going to change. It might be an investment of months and even years to get to some of those healthy places and to be willing to invest that time and energy. Because I'm guessing that for some people out there listening this podcast, even the title of it was a little bit ho hum, like, oh yeah, healthy habits, we should all be healthy. But maybe we've downplayed how important those things are to living the kind of lives God wants us to live. And so if you're finding you really struggle with motive, because that can be one of our challenges, that unhealthy habits have kind of this intrinsic reward. And even if it's short lived and then followed by a mountain of guilt and shame, that intrinsic reward drives us to pretty extreme measures. But when we're talking about healthy habits, there's not always the quick hit, the thing that makes us feel good right away. Sometimes it's the long slow game that we're after. And so we've got to look for those extrinsic motivators, whether it's community, our family, our faith in God, the person we want to be writing down a vision for our lives, who I'm going to be in five years, that can keep us motivated. And so we've. We've really got to find whatever it takes to be willing to invest that time and energy so that these healthy habits will take place. So that. That would just be my encouragement is. Don't. Don't downplay this as. Yeah, yeah. One. It's one of those things I should work on, but really see how significant this can be in taking you into the life that God's given you.

Well, and I would say, too, to just really work on developing that awareness, you know, of yourself and. And why you're doing what you're doing.

And.

And also, I think, encouraging people to give themselves some grace, because it's one of those things that when we start implementing new healthy habits, I don't know how many people have ever tried to eat healthy, but it seems like you're going well for a while and staying on course, and then the Oreos then sneak up on you. And so it's one of those things that stupid Oreos, you just have to give yourself some grace, let that settle for a minute, and then start over again and not beat yourself up for it.

Yeah, I just think it's. Be practical, you know, be practical. And, you know, I remember hearing Harry Flanagan say this, that you really. It's. It's courageous. You have to be courageous when it comes to these things because it takes courage to take the steps necessary to get healthy. And especially if we compare ourselves like we do in our culture, it's easy to feel bad about the things that I need to put in place in order to remain healthy. And so to be very practical, know where you're at, as Heather was saying, and really just put in simple things. You don't have to completely change your life top to bottom, but just try these simple, practical things at first and take the courageous steps that it takes to really make these things be a part of your life. So, Heather, thank you for hanging out with us and talking through this habit stuff. We definitely appreciate your insight.

Yeah, thanks. This has been fun.

Yeah. And we hope that really our conversation today has sparked some ideas. You know, you may be in a place where you're thinking about implementing some habits and wanting to know if they're healthy, or maybe you're in a place where, you know, you have some healthy habits in place, but you're wanting to maintain them. We just hope that this was helpful wherever you may be. And really the truth is we all need healthy habits in our life in order to maintain sexual and emotional health. So just make sure that you really cannot get healthy without really creating habits and structure for you to attain that health. So Nick, Heather, thanks again for just sharing your insight and your experience.

Glad to be here.

Thanks Trevor and thank you for listening to the Pure Desire Podcast. If you like what you're hearing and want to keep up with the podcast, please subscribe. You can also rate and review our podcast and let us know how we're doing. For more information, check out our website PureDesire.org and you can also follow us on social media. EaredesirePDMI. Once again, that's EaredesirePDMI. We'll see you next time. Thanks for listening to the Pure Desire Podcast. For more information, check out our website www.puredesire.org. check in each week for new content on the podcast and we pray that it will help you find hope and freedom on your journey.

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