046 - Summer Sobriety

Welcome to the Pure Desire podcast, where we partner with you to bring hope and freedom on your journey to purity. Before we start the podcast today, we wanted to let you know about a new resource we have, our Stories for Women book study. This study will take you through 20 stories of women who have been impacted by sexual brokenness. This study can be completed individually or with a small group. Whether you find yourself on a healing journey from the impact of sexual brokenness or simply want to become more aware of this growing issue, this book study is for you. As you study their stories and step into the lives of these women, may you discover encouragement and lasting hope. To order your copy of our new Stories for Women book study, visit PureDesire.org enjoy the podcast. Hey there. I'm your host, Trevor Windsor, and we're so thankful you're taking time out of your day to hang out with us. I'm here as always with my co host, Nick Stumbo.

It's getting hot.

It is getting hot. It is. That's not a reference to a Nelly song. That's not a reference to anything. That is just, it is getting warm outside in Oregon right now. We're excited, and today we have one of our regulars, Ashley Jamison. Welcome back, Ashley.

Hi. Glad to be here again.

So today we want to talk about maintaining sobriety through the summer months. Summer can be a really challenging time for men and women who are working through sexual brokenness. Whether it's because of less clothing or triggers from your past, many of us struggle to maintain sexual purity during the summer. So today we want to talk through that and help create a plan to staying the course of sexual integrity during this really potentially difficult time.

Yeah, and this episode might have some similarities to one we did a while back, heading into Christmas and holidays. And there's just definitely things that when people's routines change and the calendar is different, that a lot of the things that keep us in a healthy place suddenly go out the door. And so we want to just try to help people process. How do I be prepared for that? You know, we hope a lot of people are listening to this in May or early June and kind of thinking through their summer. But even if someone's, you know, catching this podcast, you know, a long time after we do it, and they're in the middle of the fall and maybe wondering, what's the point of this? I hope what every listener will take out of it is, in any season of my life, there can come unique challenges, and I just want to be equipped to think through how do I Face those challenges and, and not find myself in a place I never meant to go simply because I wasn't thinking ahead about what a different season would bring my way. And so hope it's helpful on a lot of levels.

Yeah. So let's just start with that. Why is summer sobriety a thing?

Oh, summer sobriety. I, you know, when our priorities change, then it's easy to let go of our routine. And I think the summer just naturally brings that out in a lot of areas. One, because the sun shining and most of us in the Northwest, we've been cooped up with rain or winter, and so we get excited about wanting to be out. But also school schedules change, church calendars change. If you have a work environment that has a lull in summer, it's just really easy to kind of let go of routine and to continue those groups that need to keep going. Even if other people take a break, there's more temptations with men and women wearing less clothing, more joggers out, more barbecues, more picnics, boating. So maybe more drinking, staying out longer, days in the sun, and then you're getting in late and realizing, hey, it's 9 o', clock. We haven't even started putting the kids to bed yet, so there's less sleep. It just, it really can cause a shift in our daily life and so we have to be really intentional about keeping healthy during that time.

Well, a lot of people are taking vacations and we know from research and just experientially here in our counseling office that vacations can be a major struggle for people. Whether it's towards relapsing or arguments with their spouses. Maybe they're going to visit a family of origin and it triggers all kinds of old stuff. Or maybe the vacation is to somewhere, you know, warm and beautiful. And so we kind of feel like, hey, I'm, you know, I'm in Florida. When you're in Florida, you go to the beach and we, we just don't expect or think through what all we're going to be confronted with because, well, hey, it's Florida. Isn't that what everybody does? And so there's that side of going on vacation. But I also think there's the flip side of what you're seeing other people do begins to change. So maybe all your friends have gone off on vacations and you're stuck in a job where you don't get that time off and you're seeing everybody's beautiful beach pictures on Facebook and feeling, you know, this woe is me. And the way that that sense of I'm missing out or I'm not as fortunate as others can create pain and frustrations that then, you know, we look to medicate in ways that are unhealthy. And, and what Ashley said about routines, you know, I. I've talked to people who, in the summer, you know, they work in small offices, and suddenly there's a week they're the only person in the office. And the challenges that can be when you're used to having regular interaction and people that just are, you know, there to keep you accountable, whether intentionally or just their presence keeps you focused. And now you've got to have new ways to stay focused and make sure you're on task. And so we just want to think through. There's a whole host of things that can happen, whether we're the ones going on vacation and our routine is changing, or it's other people's routines that are affecting how we. How we do life well.

And the reason why the struggle comes with a routine changing is because this area, this. This addiction really is ritualistic. You get into this rhythm of your addiction and how it really plays out day to day. And so when you get into a rhythm of healing and then that gets thrown off, that's the thing. We need structure. We're so used to a rhythm, we're so used to a ritual. And then we replace that ritual of addiction with a ritual of healing. But then when a schedule change or stress comes in, that wasn't, you know, isn't normal. Because, Ashley, as you're talking about the summer, that's just extra stress. Like, vacation is great, but the older you get, it becomes more stressful. When you have kids, it becomes more of a thing and less relaxing. And so what it does is it ruins the rhythm of healing that we've done. And so I think that at the core of this question that's why is because this is just a ritualistic type of thing.

Well, it could be good, too, for someone to consider that maybe they feel like their struggles or addiction, their battles with lust, pornography, acting out, whatever that is, or the arguments they have with their spouse that they feel like it's very low level, but they may be able to look back and hearing this episode realize, wow, every summer I've had this issue, and maybe it's one of the only times they have the issue. So they think, oh, I don't really battle with that. But if it's happening every summer vacation or around the time you see your family, then it is a Pattern. It is a habit that we could address and say, what would make this year different? So we know that hiding inside all summer is not an option. We're probably not going to move to the North Pole and live in an igloo. We want to be able to embrace summer and enjoy what it has to offer. So, guys, how is it possible to maintain sobriety during a time that can be overwhelming and filled with temptation?

I think one of the biggest things is using the self awareness tools that we have. I think that they're set up for really emotional health and emotional growth in that sense, where I'm getting to know myself better, getting to understand my rhythms of life, my rituals, of my addiction, but also just how I react to certain situations and stimulus. And so I think using things like the faster scale or the three circles or the arousal template, which are all tools we have in all of our materials, is really a practical way for you to maintain sobriety. It's something where if you're staying on top of your own self awareness, when you get into a situation, maybe you go to a barbecue and there aren't a lot of clothes, there's, you know, not a lot of clothing, there's alcohol. If you go in with self awareness, knowing that some of these things may trigger. May trigger me, then I'll walk in with a better sense, a better. Maybe I ask my spouse or family member to hold me accountable or to help me in this situation, or if you have got self awareness, just avoiding those type of situations. And so if you use those tools even during the summer, or if you're not in group or something like that, it really is going to help you have a better sense of what healing looks like for you and maintaining sobriety during the summer.

Yeah. And I really think that just always having some kind of commitment or routine that at any point somebody could ask, you know, what you're working on is just great to think about because we tend to think of, like what Trevor said, it's very ritualistic, our addictions and even our healing. So then when we step outside of that protective little box and friendships, you know, that we've built for ourselves, it can feel kind of chaotic. But if each step you're making in the summer, whether it's vacation or working or like what you said, Nick, your work environment change, there's nobody there. Anytime something changes in your environment to adjust your goals and your commitments and your routine a little bit to fit that and just to always know where you're at and what it is you're working on. And then of course, you know, good communication. If you are married or have a spouse that's, you know, walking alongside you in your recovery and they're, they're healing in their own trauma and betrayal just to be gracious towards each other. I remember early on in our recovery during summer, you know, living somewhere where there's a beach, there's lots of temptations and John would just regularly ask me, you know, how you doing? Are you doing okay? And if I was struggling, then we would go find another area to hang out or, you know, we just offered each other that grace during that time. So being really open, that's good.

Yeah. I think it's really important to stay in relationship with people that know your story. We get, we have to have that connection and it has to stay regular.

Right.

You know, I think about the illustration that the time to repair the sales is not when you're in the middle of the storm. The time to repair the sails is when you are sitting calmly in port and you're fixing everything up. And what I take out of that is you need to maintain regular phone calls to group members. You need to have regular check ins whether your group is meeting or not. Because if you get into a situation where suddenly you're being triggered and overwhelmed and really tempted to act out, if you haven't been in regular communication with group members, it's unlikely that you're going to find the courage in that moment to reach out to someone you haven't been staying in touch with. So you might feel like, I'm doing great, I'm in a great place, and you'll be tempted to let those connections and phone calls fall off. But then when you're suddenly in a place you didn't expect to really be triggered, you won't have that foundation to turn to. So keep the connection. And the other thing I would say is if you're in an addiction based group, meaning you're in group for yourself and behaviors in your life that you are trying to put to death to be fully and finally free from our advice as a ministry is you need to keep meeting if at all possible. Your group needs to continue. Even if that means some weeks there's only two of you that can make it. Because addiction doesn't take the summer off. Your desires and old habits don't take the summer off. And so we recommend your group shouldn't be taking the summer off. If you have to change the schedule a little bit, or maybe some weeks you're just doing your group check in your faster scales and a commitment to change. Even that connection for those who can make it will keep your momentum going. And so we really want to encourage, keep that connection, whether it's in group or your phone calls, because then when the unique challenges come, you'll be able to face them with much more strength because you have people with you that you know you can rely on.

Yeah. So kind of leading off of that, because I think a lot of, I think definitely in our culture we're told that we can do it ourselves, pick ourselves up from our bootstraps. We are the superhero in the story. And I think that with that mentality, we tend to think, I can walk into any situation and be fine. I've already done the work. I've already been in group for three months. I can do this. Instead of being aware of the reality, we need to avoid some things. And so in you guys opinion, what are some things that people going into the summer months should avoid?

One of the things that comes to mind for me is to really avoid thinking of yourself as being on a break. It comes to the scene from Friends with Ross yelling, we were on a break. And the humor. For those that have seen that episode, they'll appreciate it.

It's a great episode.

Is a guy in a situation that because he was on a quote unquote break from his relationship with his girlfriend, then what he did with another girl shouldn't have mattered. And there's actually some similarity to what we do in life that we mentally get into this place where we think, oh, I'm on a break. Suddenly things that have been part of our health don't matter as much. We think guardrails aren't as important while I'm on a break and group phone calls aren't. I'm on a break. And that break mindset actually opens us up to think that to things we really didn't intend to. And so I would encourage you in your healing. You might be on a break from work. That's great. I mean, the Lord calls us to take rest and to celebrate and to Sabbath and be with family. Yeah, you might be on a break from some of those pressures, but in terms of your personal health, you need to think about how do I maintain self discipline? How do I keep up the habits that are making me a better person? Because then the breaks that I do take, like if I'm on vacation or have some extra days off, those breaks are going to be far more fulfilling because I'm on the right kind of break where I'm engaged in relationships and with people, but my personal healing continues. And so that would be my main advice is just avoid that idea of I'm on break. Guardrails don't matter. Group doesn't matter. Self disciplines don't matter because you'll really find yourself heading towards places you regret.

Yeah. And I actually think, you know, before you get into summer, like, like what Nick said, don't fix the sails when you're in the storm, but before you get into the summer is kind of the time to stop and evaluate that. And it's taken me failed summer and failed holiday break after, you know, failed holiday break to realize that I get into this place where I feel like when the sun is out, it's. Every day is a holiday. Every day feels like a play day to me if the sun's out and my kids are out of school or whatever we're doing or we're at the lake. And so I need to be aware that I don't feel like being healthy in the summer. And if I just wait until I get into summer to try to make choices, I'm not going to make the best choices. So before summer is really the time to sit down and look at where have I kind of slipped up last summer and where am I vulnerable and what are the things that I do that lead me farther away from recovery? And what things can I do? Just simple things that are not overwhelming. Just to make sure that I stay healthy this summer and make those decisions while I feel like it. Instead of waiting until I'm in the moment and having too much fun to sit down and make changes.

And in those times, to be really honest about what's tripped you up in the past. You know, for me, a couple things, especially during the summer, like track meets, for some reason, that just was one of those things that I always, even if I didn't necessarily act out afterwards, I remember, like, actively struggling to remain pure. Like, I'm sitting there thinking I can't even look up. I can't look anywhere. Like I'm surrounded. So being honest about that and being honest with your spouse or with people around you in your community, because if you are, then they can help you avoid that. And if, you know, they're more aware of it, they're not going to say, hey, we should go to a track meet today. It's like, no, no, no, no, no, I don't want to go. But then, like, you know, other things for me, like going to the mall alone or putting myself in situations that if I. If I even growing up, I learned this idea, like, if I have to ask if it's right or wrong, I probably already know the answer. And so if in my mind there's a check, like maybe, maybe, maybe I can go to the mall alone. And if I'm asking that question just in isolation by myself, that's probably a problem. Like, make sure I'm asking other people, do you think that where I'm at in my journey, that this is a good, a good thing for me to do? And I feel like I've told this story a couple times on the podcast, but I had a family friend who I remember hearing he would never go to Blockbuster Video because he would always stumble. And I remember thinking, that's so ridiculous. Why would you do that? But he was self aware. He knew that that was a place he consistently was triggered and consistently caused him to go down a road he didn't want to go down. And so he just avoided it. So being really honest about where you're at and the things that, that you probably need to avoid or you definitely need to avoid in order to stay sober, then you need to be honest about those things.

Yeah, that's such a great point. Having that honesty and humility to just say, what am I able and capable of right now? That doesn't mean the rest of your life, you're not going to go to the mall or you're not going to do those things. But if you're in the midst of healing and recovery, you might need to just say, for right now, I can't take my kids to that pool party because I know there will be other factors there that could be a trigger. And so, you know, asking your spouse, can you take them? Or sending them with a friend, maybe it's having an honest conversation and saying, for this year we need to say no to that beach invitation. Because I know the kind of things that, and I'm just not ready now. And so that humility is so huge because a few years down the road, as there's different things in place and healing, it's like, hey, let's go back to that. But then you're doing it out of wisdom and health and not out of this foolhardiness of, I'll be fine, I can handle it. Well, yeah, every year for six years it's been a problem, but this year will be different. And like, no, that humility to say right now this won't work for me is really important.

Well, and I think we oftentimes think like, I'm really being A person who's inconvenient. I'm inconvenient. Inconveniencing people by saying, like, I can't go to the beach. Like, if my family wants to go to the beach and I don't feel like I. I can do that and maintain sobriety, I start to feel bad that now my wife and my kid can't go to the beach and they want to go. And so in that, I mean, that can be a sticky situation where you talk yourself into just, you know, putting yourself into harm's way so that you don't inconvenience or potentially hurt somebody. But you really have to be devoted to your healing first and foremost and make sure that. Because in the long run, if you end up going and acting out or doing something stupid, you're going to hurt your family a whole lot more than them being disappointed you're not going to the beach.

Yeah. Divorce is a lot more inconvenient than not going to the.

And expensive. And expensive.

Yeah. It's just getting that rigorous with yourself to say, my health is the best thing I can give to my family, and I'm fighting for it. And right now, this is what it takes. And that's, you know, back to what Ashley said, that honesty just to communicate with your spouse and talk through it, because more often than not, they're going to be supportive because they want that, too. But if you can face that reality together, even better. So we're starting to get real practical here. So let's keep going down that road of what are some of the tools or tips that you might give to someone? What are guardrails that have worked for you when entering into this summer season?

Oh, for us, we have. We've had so many that have been effective and over, you know, we've been actively working on our recovery for the last five years, John and I, and it just changes. So it's not, you know, it doesn't have to feel like this, you know, this life sentence of not ever being able to enjoy anything fun. But, like, we've all been talking about what. Where are you at now? Where's your stumbling block now? And how can you help yourself? I mean, if you're trying to get, you know, if you're trying to be healthy with your eating, you don't have meetings in a donut shop or, you know, similar. But for some reason, when it comes to sex or lust, we're not that strict or we think it's just ridiculous that somebody wouldn't go to a beach or it's just ridiculous that somebody, you know, wouldn't work out at a gym if that's a struggle for them or whatever it is. And so, you know, to think about it in the same way you would food or alcohol, that if there's a situation that triggers more temptation, then it's okay to avoid that. So for us, we try to make a plan to get enough sleep, especially in the summer, that's hard because it's light so long. The light comes out early. And so to really maintain that sleep schedule of getting enough hours to be aware where we're at on the faster scale and to be communicating weekly where we are with each other and what our goals are. So John just said, oh, I think I'm going to eat this way and go to sleep this way and make these to do lists that are reasonable. And I'm thinking, oh, okay, well, I must. I should be healthy too, I guess, since you're going to be healthy. And so it really does kind of encourage you to keep making those goals, which I feel like can be a healthy. Not addiction, but kind of a new, healthy desire that when you see that your schedule or your environment can change and you can adjust those goals and. And be successful, I think it gives you a little bit more empowerment and where you feel like you do have the ability that this addiction doesn't have to control you. We've made things an adventure where instead of going to the public beach, we'd say, let's go explore this little rocky cliff area and do our own private thing with our family and just kind of make it fun and do different things instead of just going with the flow and then everybody feeling uncomfortable and bitter inside. And so honesty, making plans, getting enough sleep. I think those are all really good things. Having some kind of accountability each week, even if it's just one person.

Yeah, I think that exactly what you're saying, those weekly phone calls, even if you're in group or not, is really. Because what it is, is it's surrounding yourself with people who know you know your story and know your struggle. And if you surround yourself with those type of people, like, especially if you are hanging out with your group members, like, they know you, you're not gonna fool anybody. Like, if you're like, oh, I know that going to the beach by myself is a struggle, and I'm just. I'm gonna go, guys, how do you feel about that? They're gonna be like, no, you're not going to the beach. Like, stop. You're being ridiculous. So if you surround yourself with people like, they're not being mean. They're not trying to, you know, rain on your summer parade. They're trying to help you stay pure and help you stay healthy. And so if you surround yourself with people who know you and who are also pursuing their own health, I feel like that can be one of the best guardrails that, that you could put up.

Yeah, I think when it comes to practical guardrails, you want to be proactive. So if you know you're going somewhere, that could be triggering. You know, whether it's the beach or whatever, that you call someone before you go, say, hey, I'm. I'm going to be at the beach today with my family. My commitment is, you know, not to let my eyes linger where they shouldn't. I've got ways I can engage with my kids. And at the end of the day, I'm going to call you back and tell you how I did. So now you're entering into that day with your radar up. You're, you know, you're. You're prepared for it with that sense of community. So be proactive, not to wait, but just know, hey, we're going somewhere. That could be an issue. I'm going to call someone now. Another real practical thing is when you're going somewhere, take a book with you. If you're at the beach, track meet a party somewhere, because it's that moment where you've got nothing to do, you're just sitting, looking around, that. That can be a problem. So if you have something to engage with, to stay focused in a healthy way, that's a real positive. And then something that I try to talk about at our seminars is when you're really finding those thoughts that are triggering and moving you towards lust, you really need to have some different images in mind that you pick. And here's what I mean by that. That when you're, you know, at the beach or something, you see someone from a ways off and notice they're dressed in a certain way or something about them is triggering. And what does your brain do? Well, your brain immediately creates an image of someone that you would find attractive, be aroused by. And now you're fighting that. But the reality is, if you know, if they're a block away or down the beach ways, you don't actually know what they look like. Your brain has created something tempting that if you were right there and knew them, you'd be like, I'm not even drawn to this person at all. So your history, your past, is actually Working against you. And if we're aware of that, when we catch a glimpse of something and realize a thought is starting, if we can say to ourselves, oh, that's my sister at the beach, or that's my mother, that's my daughter. And it doesn't matter if they're actually there or not, because the thought that's popping into your head isn't actually there. That's not true either. So have a fantasy of a real person and not fantasy in a sexual way. But just imagine that's my sister that's here at the beach too. And now I'm thinking of her. I'm praying for my sister. And I'm not going to look lustfully back at my sister. I'm going to have a different thought because now it's a person and not an object. And so any ways that you can keep people as people, that will really help your thought life wherever you're going. So those are just some real practical things I think that might keep your mind where you want it to be.

Yeah. Okay, so we've already talked a little bit about the fact that some groups don't meet during the summer or that it's a possibility that some groups take a break. As Nick said, really at the beginning that we don't suggest that you take a break during the summer. We think it's something that's really important to still maintain that community and that work together each week. But if groups do go on break, whether it's for vacation or for a few weeks or they take the summer off, how does one person in that group, how do you maintain healthy accountability without that weekly group meeting?

Well, I think it's big that you ask yourself, who can I continue to make those phone calls to? Because that's a part of your routine, your weekly rhythm, just being able to check in. I encourage people keep making a new commitment to change. It doesn't have to be in the group each week. It might just be to yourself and something between you and a couple of accountability friends. So there's something that you're still working on that's a really big deal. And then another thing I would encourage is be proactive about scheduling get togethers. So if your group, maybe your group's just taking a couple weeks off because so many people are on vacation and the group leader just feels like, hey, let's, you know, we'll regather in three weeks. And you're thinking, man, three weeks is a long time for me. You know, go to someone in the group that you feel comfortable with and be proactive to say, hey, next week could we get together for coffee and pick a day and a time and actually be the one that makes it happen? Because I hear way too many people say, hey, maybe while the group isn't meeting, we should get together. The other person says, yeah, let's do it. And they leave. And like they never talk about it again because no one committed to making it happen. They just said, yeah, let's do it. So my encouragement, be the one that's proactive and say, hey, are you free on Thursday? Or hey, instead of the group meeting at this same time, let's meet for coffee, let's go out and, and just make that interaction a priority for you because then you're choosing community and it'll support your recovery.

Yeah. And I think it's wise if you're the leader, John and I just experienced this, we're both leading groups right now and it's wise to look ahead to see realistically what days you might not be able to make it so that you can make a plan. And it still keeps that feel in the group that things are planned and scheduled and we're keeping our commitments because it can be really easy even for a group leader to say, hey, my kids softball game ran long, I'm going to be a little late. And then somebody else chimes in and say, yeah, me too, I'm working on my mom's deck. And, and then somebody else trying. And it starts this chain reaction of people starting to kind of drop off. And so if the leader can do everything possible to not only make as many groups as possible, but, but to plan ahead about the ones that aren't going to be taking place and then what's your plan during that week for when you don't meet as a group to go through the workbook and to not go with any kind of last minute cancellation, I think that really starts a dangerous slope in the group when leaders cancel last minute.

Yeah, that's so good.

So if your group interaction is less frequent because of, like we said, vacation time off, what are some things that people can be working on? What are some of those things that would help you to continue progress in your own healing?

You know, I think one of the things that is a really easy and simple tool but can be really, really powerful, especially if you maintain it, is the commitment to change. And so if you are weekly making a goal of something that you want to work on or you want to get better at, or you want to see improvement in and if you're, let's say you're not meeting with your group, but you're involving your spouse. I've just started doing that where I started sharing with my wife what my commitment to change is, just so she has an awareness of it. And if she ever has an opportunity to really speak into that for me, the more aware she is, the more she can help me. And then really just maintaining. I know we're just beating this up so much, but maintaining that contact. So still making that phone call. And let me just say this too. I think we live in a world where texting is really normal and accepted. We would prefer you not to text your group members when you're communicating or when you're checking in, because there's a lot that you can hide through text messages that's a lot harder to hide when you're on the phone and someone can hear your tone and where you're at and so making those phone calls. But the commitment to change for me is just one of those things where I can share with my wife, I can share with my co workers, I could share with the group members I'm staying in contact with. Because then at that point I'm still maintaining some movement forward. Maybe I'm not working on the workbook each week, you know, if my group's taking time off, but I'm still working on something in me. I'm still moving forward. I'm not stagnant just standing in the middle of the road. There's still some forward movement.

Yeah, I think about what are positive opportunities that this change of schedule might present to me. So if your group does stop meeting, say maybe that's suddenly a time my spouse and I can go out on a date and we can go through some. A book together or just strengthen our marriage. Summer schedules might mean you've got time to go in and do some counseling together. Because during the rest of the week with kids and schedules and sports, you just, you didn't have the time. Well, now you have some flexibility to maybe get some counseling or it's a great time to start a new habit. I think we recognize that health isn't just avoiding a behavior. It's what new behaviors am I starting. So the weather's great. Well, hey, maybe that's when you get to start a new exercise routine or you start walking every morning because at 6am it's light and it's beautiful and maybe you pick up a habit of gardening or doing a project in your shop. Whatever it is. Like this becomes my focus because the extra time and flexibility I have allows me to do good things. Just like maybe in the past, that extra time and flexibility is what caused you to veer towards bad things. Let the Lord redeem it and use it for good. So where could you focus that extra time? Onto something that would create growth and health for you?

Yeah, I really like that. And then I, I always think too that when, if there is a little bit of a lull in some of the summer breaks or in some of the, in some of the weekly group meetings, that if you can do little things to just like what Trevor said, keep yourself moving forward, then you often come back to group with even, I guess, more passion to work hard because you have had that little break and you've seen that the accountability is good. And so often people come back from that break and they're even more ready to dive in. But it can be hard if they've really slowed, slipped off the radar during that time. And so just to, just to be doing anything and everything, even if it's just the smallest book you're reading, or like you said, a date with your spouse or anything to keep yourself moving forward and then be ready to jump fully back in when group's back on track.

Well, it's like if you are an athlete and you're training and consistently staying in shape and then you take, I mean, okay, this is a perfect example. I did this all the time, every winter break because I played baseball through college. Every winter break, the coaches would always say, stay in shape, stay running, keep working out. I'd be like, okay, sounds good. And then I wouldn't do it. And then when I get back a month and a half later, I'm out of shape and I'm huffing and puffing when we're doing just wind sprints to start practice. And so what I've done is I haven't put the work in so that when I get back in, I'm actually ready to do the work when it's time to do the work. And so that's what I'm thinking of as you're saying that if I'm doing this movement forward, if I'm still progressing in my health and still trying to work on me, then when I get back into group, I am going to be more prepared, I'm in more self awareness shape, if that's what you want to call it, and I'm ready to go to work.

That's perfect.

So, okay, Nick, you mentioned just these positive opportunities that summer may present when it comes to our healing and recovery. What are some other positive ones you guys can think of? What are some other opportunities the summer presents to us?

One of the things that can happen a lot in the summer is we see people then that we might not see the rest of the year and the opportunity is there to just share your story, maybe to get real with a family member, to be honest, with a brother or brother in law. Maybe it's you're seeing your kids and you realize, boy, since the last time we saw them, there's just been a lot of growth and change in our lives and we're ready either as an individual or as a couple to open up and share some of that story with others. I think that's a really neat thing to see and to think through as you're headed out on vacation. Once again to the in laws to think where could our story impact this in a positive way? And then also just seeing where does the summer create opportunities to help others? Maybe those that aren't in a group, but someone has shared a little bit of their story with you and so you find a way to get together with them or come alongside them in their story and encourage them towards a group or their own recovery. So just seeing where do the relationships and the interactions I have create opportunities for me to share my story and maybe help someone else in their story?

Yeah. And I think one of the biggest things that I've learned that has been an encouragement to me is not to fear leaving that rigid protective structure of my group and my home environment. But being somebody who's always been an all or nothing, black or white, I'm really good at starting things, but then I quit things constantly white knuckling a recovery and then relapsing. I think it's been freeing to see that you really do have a lot of control over your own health and how you feel and how you're doing in your recovery by really simple things that these tools and pieces of advice that we're giving seem so minor. But when you can look ahead at your week, you can look ahead at your vacation, you can look ahead at different things and then just make minor adjustments. It really becomes freeing to know that you can live a fairly normal, joyful life even in recovery, without your addiction controlling you or even without your trauma, if that's what side you're on controlling you, that you can really just make little things that will make little changes that will make a big difference for you.

Something that comes up when I think of this question is you are going to have more time with your kids. Ashley, you mentioned it at the beginning. You know, that summer the kids aren't in school unless you're listening and you're in a terrible country that makes your children go to school all year long. So sorry, we'll pray for your children. But I think that with that you're going to get more time with them and you will have the opportunity to, number one, engage this, like, this topic, this conversation with them a little bit more. You're going to have more time, so there's more opportunity. But then also I think that this, like downtime, whether you're in group or not, if your kids, you know, aren't in school and you have more time with the family, that's a great time to really focus on what kind of culture do I have in my home? What kind of culture can I help foster and create? And do that by taking your kids out and going and hanging out with them, going to get, you know, coffee or dinner or see a movie or just go do stuff with your kids. It creates more relationship where you can share more of your story, you can engage this topic more. And I wish I was speaking from personal experience. My son's only one, so I'm not there yet. But there's just something that I saw that when I had that time with my parents that it was always beneficial during the summer. It was always enjoyable. I felt like I got to learn who they were more. And so that's just another thing to consider, more time with your kids over the summer.

I think that's a really. I mean, I actually just experienced that last night with one of my teenage sons. Just a couple weeks until school's out. I have been getting more relaxed on. They can stay up later and I don't really care if they go to school and they're tired. We're kind of all done with the routine, so I don't really care. Their grades are fine.

On the home stretch.

Yeah, we're on the home stretch. But he, I could tell he was upset when he came home last night and John had said, you know, Kai, what's wrong? And he said, nothing. But then right after that he went into how horrible his whole day was. And I. And normally I'd be looking at the clock going, oh my goodness, it's 10 o', clock, I gotta get up, we should be going to bed, you know. But it was this other kind of freedom of like, who cares? He can go to school tired tomorrow or, you know, or whatever. And so I can already see that Starting where there's just that kind of chill time, especially if you have even older kids, that maybe, you know, you don't always get that. That time with them to talk. So I'm looking forward to that.

All right, well, this has been really good information as we wrap up this podcast, as we like to do so often, want to pass it off to Trevor and Ashley and ask you guys, what is some final encouragements that you would want to give to people as they enter into the summer season.

The thing that comes to mind for me, and I've heard Heather Kolb talk about this a lot, is that your brain doesn't know the difference between ment rehearsal and the actual doing of that thing. And so if you're mentally rehearsing a situation or a conversation or something in life, your body, your brain doesn't know it's not real. And so it still is very real to your body. And so I think that the key for the summer for me is mental rehearsal is just to make sure that I'm preparing myself and walking through before I walk in the door, before I walk, you know, anywhere near a track field, like, wherever, whatever I'm doing, I need to make sure that I'm rehearsing what is going on or what could go on. And that's going to help prepare me, prepare my brain, prepare my heart, and really just help me understand myself better in the situations that I'm walking into. So just mental rehearsal, I think, is really helpful.

I think that is a great idea. This last Mother's Day, I told myself before Mother's Day that when holidays or vacations or anything like that comes up, I tend to feel very easily triggered. And it's almost like I can't control it. Just something happens and I feel shut down. I feel unappreciated. I feel out of control. And so to even just go into that holiday saying, I know that that's how I get on those holidays, it ended up being my best Mother's Day ever. And I did nothing but paint my front door. I mean, there was, like, no gifts. There was no. It was just really casual. But I think that was what it was, is that I told myself, I get into a funk on holidays and vacations. I just know I do. So if I can know that ahead of time and just plan to keep doing the next right thing or just plan to have a plan and plan to schedule accountability in the summer, especially in the summer, it's important for me to plan communication with John that we say on Monday night or Tomorrow, hey, let's. Let's sit down and do our faster scale together before we go off and do our own things out in the yard or whatever, because it just seems like the weeks get away from you really fast. So to always have a plan and just to be aware of where you're at.

Yeah. My final encouragement would be to say that being intentional matters. And I think of what the apostle Paul says in Ephesians 5, verse 15, and I'll read that he says, so be careful then how you live. Don't live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Don't act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. So what does the Lord want us to do? He wants us to live in freedom. He wants us to be healthy human beings that have great relationships with our spouses, if we have one, with our kids, with our families. And in order to do that, we have to make the most of the opportunities we have to not live thoughtlessly, but be prepared to think in advance. And so if anyone has been listening and feeling like, ah, yeah, this all just seems kind of minor. I think Scripture tells us these things matter. To be intentional and think through our days so that we're making the most of them. That's how we're really able then to enter into a life of doing what the Lord wants. So don't fall into that temptation of thinking, oh, I can handle it. It's no big deal. I'll figure it out. No, make every effort, be thoughtful, don't be foolish, and see how the Lord uses that in your life and in your family. We just hope it's a really awesome and blessed summer for you.

Yeah, guys, this has been great. We know that really summer is not an easy time. And I think that we're speaking from personal experience. We're not just telling you as the listener that summer is going to be difficult for you. We've experienced that summer can be a really tough time. And we know that maintaining purity through it and staying up on your sexual integrity is possible. It really is possible, but it is going to take some work. So we hope that through our conversation, it becomes really clear that self awareness is the key, really to start and then being really honest, because you have to keep alert and you have to keep aware of your surroundings. And that will help you create and maintain a plan for sexual integrity. So hopefully our conversation helped you start thinking through your own plan for sobriety over the summer and some tips and some tools to help you. So guys, thanks again for the conversation. Appreciate it.

Yeah. Glad to be here.

Yeah, absolutely.

And thank you for listening to the Pure Desire Podcast. If you like what you're hearing and want to keep up with the podcast, please subscribe. You can also rate and review our podcast and let us know how we're doing. For more information, check out our website, PureDesire.org. you can follow us on social mediauredesirepdmi. Once again, that's earedesirepdmi. We'll see you next time. Thanks for listening to the Pure Desire Podcast. For more information, check out our website, www.puredesire.org. check in each week for new content on the podcast and we pray that it will help you find hope and freedom on your journey to purity.