054 – Nightly Routines

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Hey there.

I'm your host, Trevor Windsor. And we're so thankful you're taking time out of your day to hang out with us. I'm here with my co host as always, Nick Stumbo.

What be happening?

What is happening?

What is that?

Is the question. Do you have an answer to your question or are we just starting that way?

What's happening is podcast 54. 54? When did we do 53, man, they're just coming one after the other.

That's right.

I was gonna say it's the start of a new year of podcast, but that would have been the last episode. Now I've missed it.

So now we're gonna overlook that. Today we have one of our regulars on the podcast, our content editor, a speaker, an all round. I think utility player is probably a great way to summarize your role. It's Heather Kolb. Welcome back, Heather.

Thank you. Happy to be here.

Yeah, so, so, I mean, is that a good description, utility player? I mean, you do a lot of stuff around here.

I do a lot of stuff. I'll go with that.

Okay, cool. So on today's episode, we're going to be talking through nightly routines. So in the realm of sexual addiction, nighttime, especially into the late hours, can be a very difficult time to maintain sexual integrity. So this episode is going to focus not only on how to avoid those tempting hours, but also how to reclaim and restore your nightly routines to bring about really greater overall health. So today we're not just going to be talking about sexual addiction, though these things will be addressing those, but we're just talking about your overall health. So we're going to offer a number of options for nightly routines. Let's just make this disclaimer up front. Don't feel the need to implement all of these. Just know that these are some of the ones we found success in and have helped us. So you guys ready to go?

Ready?

Yeah. Let's do it.

Alright, so the first one, our first routine is no tech, 30 minutes before bed. Let's talk about that.

Yeah, I think it's a great Rule of thumb, Trevor, as we look at just the way our brain and our bodies run so much off routines and rhythm. And I know in a little bit Heather can chime in with some of the actual brain data. I'm not real familiar with that, but I just know the more regular we are about how we prepare for sleep and the time we go to bed, that that's so important for getting good restful sleep. And it really enables us to disengage from these devices that we're interacting with that really do have a way of engaging not only our brain and our thinking, but also can engage us emotionally because we're checking email, we're on Facebook, we're on social media, and we're oftentimes still engaged in work or feeling things about what other people are up to. And just all those things then can become on our mind as we're headed towards bed. And so if we're on a device or interacting like that right up until we try to go to sleep, well, it's not going to be a surprise if our brain is struggling to quiet down. So we really want to facilitate and aid our brain and body in finding a restful place. I think something else to be aware of is something I've heard called sunset fatigue. This idea that you have to get everything done in one day and so we can stay up later and later. And so if we're emailing, trying to accomplish things later and later into the night, we're really working against ourselves. And this 30 minute deadline of putting down your tech and devices really can be a way of resting in God and just saying, you know, I've done what I can do for today, this day has come to completion and maybe I don't feel like I got everything done, but I'm gonna let it go. And then we're able to enter into a time of sleep. And I just think it's a valuable practice.

Well, and if you did get everything done, then congratulations, you're the first person in history to accomplish everything in one day.

So really the other thing that impacts us with technology is the blue light that comes from your cell phone and from your computer and even from your television that really inhibits the production of melatonin in our brain. And melatonin is the chemical that pretty much tells your brain when it's time to go to sleep. And so when that's not working right, then it our brain alert and it doesn't, our brain doesn't think that it's time to go to sleep. And so that's one of the things, too, that giving your brain 30 minutes of. Without that technology, without that blue light, then the melatonin can pick back up and say, okay, I'm ready for sleep now.

Well, and, you know, another thing, too, is just think about, you know, if you're married and you're laying in bed with your spouse, that's a lot of time. You can have great conversations. You can talk through your day, you can talk through what the rest of your week will look like. You know, it just. It's one of those times where you can really invest in the intimacy of your marriage. And that just doesn't mean sex. That means really anything. Just connecting at a heart level, mind level with your spouse. And so it's one of those things where if you're on your phone, you basically have kind of put up this invisible wall a little bit where, no, no, you. You get to do your thing, I'm gonna do my thing and just kind of numb out. And so what it can do is that can cause kind of a. It won't be the main reason, but can cause a little bit of a break or a fracture or drifting in your relationship if you don't protect that time.

Mm, definitely.

Yeah. This whole area of protecting our sleep is just so important about the routines and rhythms we have. And that leads us right into the second tip for nightly routines is along those lines to protect your sleep. So what do we mean by that when we say protect your sleep?

So this is one of the areas where you often hear people, especially when a weekend is coming, and they think, oh, I'm going to catch up on my sleep. Well, there's really no such thing as catching up on your sleep, and your brain and your body needs consistent sleep. So I was researching this recently and found out that if you're between the ages of 26 and 60, which I know that's a huge range of sleep, but it's important that you get seven to nine hours of sleep every night. And here's the other thing, is that you shouldn't get less than six hours and you shouldn't get more than 10 hours. And so if you're saving your weekend to get all your sleep, then you're obviously sleeping more than 10 hours, which is not going to benefit you as much as just getting a consistency of 8 hours of sleep every night, making it a priority.

Now I'm just, like, counting in my head, how many did I get last night? You know, one of the things I've seen in just in my Life is that if I slip on my sleep, what I end up doing is I slip on my really my self care. So food tends to get worse and worse the more tired I am. And then what I've seen is that when food and that for me almost seems to be the front door, once food starts to slip, the then really my boundaries start to slip. And then really all the guardrails that I've put in place to help maintain sobriety, those things start to slip. And so if I'm not mentally on my game and I haven't gotten enough rest, I find myself very quickly going down the faster scale and then also really getting into potential places that I shouldn't because I'm not protecting my sleep.

Yeah. And if we're running on low sleep, then we tend to rely more and more on outside stimulus to keep us going. So now we're overdoing the caffeine, we're overdoing energy drinks, and it becomes, you know, rather than allowing a healthy rhythm of sleep and work to guide our lives, it's now about how many cups of coffee have I had because I have to keep going. And that creates dependency as well.

Right. And all of those things really do then contribute to sleeplessness. And so that brings us then into our third nightly routine, which is what do you do when you can't sleep at nighttime? What's your plan for sleeplessness?

Yeah, I think this is such a good point to make because in the stories we hear from so many people, their struggles with sexual addiction or online behaviors that they then feel guilt and shame about happen in those, you know, those wee hours of the night when they just were restless, they didn't really know what to do. And when you're, when you're kind of groggy but you can't sleep. Honestly, for most people I know, for myself, nothing sounds enjoyable. It's just all like, yeah, whatever. And so we end up zoning out in front of a TV or a computer screen and, and taking little steps further and further away from where we intended to go. That doesn't benefit us. So for me personally, one of the boundaries I have in place is just that once everyone else is in bed, I don't turn on a device. Because I know historically for me, when I was struggling, that was just the outlet. If I turned on a phone or a computer, even if my motive to begin with was I'm just going to check some sports scores or read an article, you're not sleeping well, everyone else is asleep. And now it's this Outlet for things that you didn't intend. So I just. I have a rule personally not to do that. But I have other things in place. Place. So I'm always working on a good book. I can pull that out. Maybe just kind of walking around the house and picking stuff up. As odd as that sounds, it like kind of occupies me. I feel like I accomplished something. And then maybe I've reset my thinking and can go back to bed or. We do have some of the movies that we own. So I know this is a little bit defying what I just said, that I do turn on a screen if it's to watch one of these movies that we own, where I've watched it 100 times and I know it's safe content, but it can engage me in just something I'm really not thinking about because I know where the whole plot goes. But usually I find in 20 minutes of that I'm sleepy and can go to bed. And so that has been so helpful for me because I do have periods where I've really struggled with sleeping well. And rather than just kind of drifting towards what's easiest and finding myself getting into trouble, I go to those things that have become part of the plan and they actually, I think, can cue, oh, it is time to sleep. Because now I'm doing these things that I often do when I can't sleep.

You know, and I think as you're, you know, some other options, some other things to think about. Like for me, I do have books that are on my nightstand always. But then I also do have my Bible there. And sometimes that really can be helpful. And I'm not trying to sound over spiritual or anything, but this time can also be a time for prayer. You know, I've had some mentors of mine say that maybe God doesn't want you to go to sleep. Maybe you, you know, you and him need to work some stuff out. And that isn't necessarily always true, but it can be a time where I've. I've really spent a lot of time just wrestling with stuff with the lor. And I don't wake up feeling like, wow, that was incredible. But I did take advantage of that time when I was sleepless. So I wasn't just being idle and allowing myself to get into things that I want to. I'm trying to be more intentional about spending time with the Lord. So this can be also a great time for that.

Absolutely. And the other thing too to keep in mind is if you fall asleep and then you wake up in the night, and you lay there, don't lay there for more than 20 minutes. So if you have this restlessness in between sleeping and then get up, do something even it's for. Even if it is for 10 minutes, 15 minutes, something to just get that energy out and then try to go back to sleep. But don't just lay in bed awake. That's not good for you.

And don't just run to Taco Bell either, because that fourth meal is a real thing, you know? So don't take care of yourself. Do something healthy. Do something that's helpful. Okay, so kind of along the same lines of what we're talking about, the idea of taking advantage of, of maybe opportunities that you have of sleeplessness. One of the tips we have or the nightly routines that we really have pushed a lot in our material as well, is breathing and meditation. So what do we mean by that? What does that look like?

So breathing and meditation is again, just focusing on your breathing, relaxing your mind. But also it is meditation is biblical meditation, not clearing your mind, but the act of filling your mind with scripture, with God's Word, with anything that's going to bring your mind into focus on one thing. And it's also one of those things that once you practice, you really are intentional about how you're breathing, that you're slowing down your breathing, that you are just really calming yourself, relaxing your entire body, and really taking into the context of Psalms 127:2, that tells us that sleep is a blessing from God. And so that's one of the things too, that when you can't sleep and your mind is racing, that breathing and meditation is really good for your brain.

Well, and as I think about meditation at night, it's this process of really kind of focusing in on what's going on in my own heart and mind and becoming aware of my thoughts and surrendering them to the Lord, laying them down, remembering he's in control. And that's one of the reasons I really encourage people not to have their phone in their bedroom if they can avoid it at all. Because the phone is that opportunity to always have something new from the outside coming in, whether it's on silent or not. Even the temptation to reach over and see if there's a new text or message or whatever notifications you get now you're continually in this, like, alert awareness of what's going on everywhere else versus sleep is really about kind of that drawing into just you and the Lord and letting all those things go. And I found it tremendously helpful to have a Playlist of very either very calm worship songs or some instrumental music. I know that our counseling team really recommends something called bilateral sounds that have been intentionally recorded in a way that the sound is going back and forth right ear to left ear, because of how that engages your brain and creates these rhythms. And so, as I listen to that, what I try to do in meditating is just maybe picture myself with the Lord in heaven. What would that be like? Try to imagine some of the great things that he's done in the past. Just to engage my thinking in a way that's outside of the stressors of my life. But meditation, meditating on him in ways that can just kind of let my mind drift off into that without any worry about, you know, what do I have to get done tomorrow?

Well, and I think, too, in the church, I know this has been my experience growing up, I was taught, you know, get up in the morning, read your Bible before you start your day, and get going. And I think that, you know, if you're a morning person, then that's awesome, like, continue to do that. But what I found is, for me, if it's not something that already fits into my schedule, if it's not something I've already put in place, then it's hard for me to create a new habit. And so I get up pretty early anyways. But I'm not in the mood to wake up at 5am and spend a half an hour reading the Bible When I'm not even mentally ready to go or when I'm getting ready for bed, I am a little bit more alert. And so I've found that it's actually more fruitful when I spend time on, you know, on meditation or on breathing or spending time with the Lord, because I find myself waking up thinking about the things I went to bed thinking about. And so I've technically started my next day with a healthy perspective and a scriptural perspective just because I started it the night before. So it's not just something that you have to. I mean, it just for me, I see it as something you're reclaiming that time to help you at. You know, why not prepare for the next day? It makes total sense.

Yeah, that's really good.

All right, well, jumping into our next. One tip for a nightly routine is daily gratitudes. What do we mean by that?

I'm so excited for this one because I feel like I know some things that I can sound really smart and sound like Dr. Ted. So what we found with gratitude is that it releases two things in your Brain, it releases dopamine and serotonin. And, you know, one of my favorite quotes of Dr. Ted is, can you explain that for me? And you say, yeah, makes you feel real good and real calm. So it makes you feel really, really good, really, really calm when you are grateful. And scripture does tell us to be grateful, to continually have that. And so I think it's natural for us to focus on the negatives. What we didn't accomplish that day, maybe difficult situations, we had, difficult conversations, things that didn't go our way. And when we are grateful, what we're doing is we're reclaiming our day in a way that we're really looking at it from. What did God give me today? What blessings did I encounter today? What are things that I saw the Lord's hand in? And so not only chemically does it help, but I think that being grateful really helps you put a new spin on your day where you're able to walk away like, it's not what I didn't accomplish, but look what I did get done. Look what I did invest in. Look how, you know, my life did benefit from some things that happened today.

Well, and one other thing about even practicing having this attitude of gratitude is really that a lot of times, especially like you're saying, Trevor, that we tend to focus on the negative, that if we don't feel thankful, even just forcing ourselves to think of things that we're thankful for that we're grateful for.

Fake it till you make it.

Exactly.

That's a good philosophy. So it is just that prayer practice, because the more that you practice even just saying things out loud and thinking things that you have gratitude for, that then you will eventually start to feel those things.

Well, and it definitely is a real thing. I mean, writers throughout the centuries have brought up that at night, those terrors, those anxieties, those fears pop into our mind. And a lot of times it is because during the day we're going, we're focused, we've got a lot happening. And we don't necessarily put our attention on maybe some nagging fear or worry, but then we lay down and everything else is quieted. And then suddenly that thought is there because it wants to be dealt with. And we can either deal with it by getting worried and worked up and thinking it through and, oh, my goodness, I have to do that tomorrow. Or we can allow those to be in our conscience, like, oh, yeah, that's something I've got to tackle. But then leaning back into the gratitudes to say, but here's the Good things in my life and let's focus on those. And something else to add to that that I also learned from Dr. Ted is just to think through different layers or levels of gratitude. So because we tend to think maybe on one level just, well, Lord, thank you for. Thank you for my house, thank you for my kids, thank you for my wife, thank you for. And those are great. I mean, I think that's a big part of it. I would encourage someone even at that level, when you're thanking God for something, don't just say thank you for my spouse, think about what about my spouse today was I truly thankful for. You know, and maybe that morning they took the time to write a note just even to remind you to do something like, lord, thanks for a spouse that cares enough to remind me of something that was helpful or the way they treated me when I was in a rough mood, or just look into the situation a little deeper and find that maybe even in a rough day there were things you could really appreciate if you paused to think about them. And so that's kind of first level of gratitude is just lord, thank you for. And then a second layer or level of gratitude is lord, thank you in spite of, or thank you that. Even though. And that's a practice of looking at the hard things in our life and seeing that even in the difficult things there's often something to be thankful for. So we might say, you know, Lord, even though we're in a kind of lean time or a tough patch financially as a family, that we're in a really great position compared to 95% of the world, that they would wish to have the financial problems we have, they would wish to have the ability to be in debt because of some nice purchase they made or yeah, you know, that's just an example of so many things where maybe we're sick or things in our kids school are going poorly. There's places in those challenges we can find something to be grateful for. God, thank you that we have people supporting us, thank you that you know, that even though this happened, someone said they're praying for us. So that's a second layer or level. And then the third layer or level is being able to say God, thank you, that no matter what, that no matter what's going on, good or bad, thank you that you're in control, thank you that you're good, thank you that you can be trusted. Thank you that. And so those are things that are unchanging. And so it's a process of just calling those to mind. That along with the momentary things of what happened that day that was good or bad, it's also reminding ourselves there's eternal things that won't ever change and just thanking God for that. Because then in all those things, I think we're able to look at our life and say, in all these places, I can be grateful not just on a good day or a happy day, but no matter what. I'm thankful for having God in my life and his support. And that's just really been, for me, been a healthy practice to think through those three categories and just in each one to try to come up with a couple of things that I can be grateful for. And, you know, sometimes one other thing just to point out on this, when you come to gratitudes, it can be tremendously helpful if you've turned off your screens a half an hour before bedtime and you're doing a little bit of meditating, if you can pull out a journal and write these out, that action of engaging with your body and the biomechanics of writing something out, how that engages more of your brain, that can be tremendously helpful. But I know for me, I don't really like writing in bed and usually by then I am laying in bed and I mean, that's really awkward. How do you hold the journal and the pen? And I'm self critical of my penmanship and so I don't like to look messy.

You should really work on that, Nick.

Yeah, that's a different podcast for a different day down the road. So I'm not. I don't always feel like journaling and so I can just lay there as I'm trying to fall asleep and just go through those categories. Lord, what can I thank you for? That was good today. And I'll list a couple things and Lord, what can I thank you for? In spite of or even though. And think of a couple things there. And Lord, what can I thank you for? No matter what? And that just is amazing how that puts my mind into a good place where it can drift off to sleep versus laying there with your eyes closed and suddenly remembering all the things you didn't do. And then you're battling sleeplessness.

You know, here's another side of this. I think maybe I'm alone in this. I don't love being around negative people, people who are just generally pessimistic and just have a really sour outlook on life. And so if you're working on gratitude and you're creating really a heart of thankfulness to the Lord and really to Just everything that's going on in your life, you're actually going to be more attractive to people. And not just physically, but I mean, people are going to want to spend time with you. And so considering that if you're not having gratitude as a part of your day, you know, what is the experience of other people around you? And so, you know, I know that we don't naturally wake up and say, I can't wait to serve everyone around me. But this is a way where you can start to wire yourself that way where you can start to wake up and start to think my life has an impact on other people. And so if I wake up and I'm great and I'm grateful for the stuff that's going on in my life, then I'm going to have a better impact other people around me.

You know, you said something that just triggered a thought for me too, Trevor, about, you know, we don't maybe wake up ready to serve others. And I do think in our life we're trying to develop an other centeredness to everything we do right. And sleep is actually one of those areas where I try to give people permission to be selfish that, that I can struggle with. If I'm at a party or event and it's going late, like, well, I don't want to be the first one to leave or I don't want to, you know, go home or it maybe if my kids are staying up because it's a vacation, like I don't want to be the one. But I really think sometimes we have to just say, you know, I need sleep and I need to get enough rest and so I need to go or I'm headed to bed. And if, you know, even for my spouse, like one of our agreements when we got married was we really wanted to go to bed at the same time. And generally we do. But sometimes if she's got a project she's working on or she's in the middle of it, maybe she wants to stay up and I can actually feel guilty like, oh, I'd better just stay up and wait. But in an appropriate way, you have to be selfish and say, I'm headed to bed because I need my sleep and, and not feel bad about that because really in getting enough sleep, that's what will prepare and equip you to actually be other centered the rest of the day. Where if I'm tired, man, I'm not in a mood to help others when I'm tired, go to sleep.

It helps other people.

Exactly, exactly. So be selfish so that you can be other centered.

Yeah, I hope that's not the only thing someone hears. Be selfish so you can be other oriented.

Nice. So let's finish with our last nightly routine suggestion, which doesn't have so much to do with sleep, but it does have to do with our eating behaviors. So what would you have to say about our eating deadlines?

Okay, so this is an area that I've really, really focused on over the last year. It's been a major issue for me as I've been getting free from sexual addiction. I found that food is definitely an easy way to numb out. And I think it's an easy way to numb out for a lot of people ultimately because we don't shame people over it, especially in the church. This isn't seen as a major issue. But for me, what I've seen is that if I allow, if I allow myself to eat past a certain time, I'm really, what, physically my body is having to work harder to burn that stuff off. And so if you want to stay in shape and stay healthy, it is something you need to put a deadline. What I practice is what's called intermittent fasting. And so if I eat dinner at 6 and I finish at 6:30, then I don't eat breakfast until 6:30 in the next morning. And so I've seen that, you know, I've definitely developed that healthy habit. But if I eat crap before I go to bed, I'm gonna feel like crap and then I'm gonna feel sluggish. And so if I wake up the next day feeling sluggish, then my guardrails start to slip. I've actually seen this in my life where if I have that fourth meal at 10:30 or 11:00', clock, I go to bed. And maybe I go to bed later because my body's still working, but then I wake up, don't feel very good, and then it just puts me in a bad mood to start my day. So even just practically how I feel waking up the next day if I don't put a deadline on my eating can really affect me and the people around me.

Definitely it has something to do with too the amount of not just food intake, but caffeine. For some people where you might not have trouble falling asleep, but then at 2 o' clock in the morning, you're wide awake because you had caffeine too late or sometimes even sweets or sugar will do that. It will disrupt your sleep patterns as well.

So no Snickers bars at like 10 o', clock, not a good one. No ice cream. You're just hating me the more than I'm talking. I know.

Well, it's something where we have to be honest with ourselves, especially as we age and get along in life, you know. So I turned 40.

That's a soft way to put it.

Yeah, yeah. You know, when I was 20 and 25, there was definitely things I could get away with. I could eat, I could drink caffeine through the day and probably still sleep fine. But man, I've noticed now if I'm at a party or it's a special night and we're having ice cream kind of late at night, it's like I'm probably not going to fall asleep till after midnight sometime just because all that sugar is like, woo hoo, you know, and I'm ready to go and my brain can't handle it like it used to. And so I've had to come to that place of saying, you know, if I want to have a good night of sleep, I've got to change my eating habits. And that's hard when you, I think especially maybe for guys who grow up, you know, in college and young adulthood, eating fourth meal and ice cream all hours of the night, seventh to start to get into your 30s and 40s and realize I can't do that. And it's sometimes not even just about food. It can be about an image thing. I know you and I have talked about this, Trevor, how we can have an image like when I grew up playing football that football players eat all the time and people saying, oh, where do you put that? And it can almost become a pride thing. Like I can eat so much food and not gain weight. It's like, well, that worked at 19, it's not working as well at 40. And so it's not even just about the food. It's that mental idea, well, I can eat whatever I want and I'm, you know, it doesn't affect me. It's like, well, no, it's not true anymore. So it's been a mental shift to say eating habits matter and it's going to create health in the rest of my life if I'll follow them.

Well, and we talk about it so much in our ministry that sexuality is part of our being, it's part of how God created us. And so to assume that not taking care of myself physically isn't going to affect me sexually, then you're wrong. It is. It's a holistic thing. It's an overall health and, and again, that's why we're talking about this stuff, it's not just so you can not watch porn or act out at night, but it's so that you can actually be a healthy person and really reclaim what God's given you as far as your body, your sexuality and all that.

Yeah, that's a great point. There may be some who listen to this podcast and are kind of surprised at the content because they were expecting all kinds of tips about, you know, avoiding sexual content or lustful thinking. And we're talking about sleep and diet and caffeine and I mean, one we didn't really touch on that we could throw in there is, you know, getting regular exercise, how that promotes, oh, it's good sleep. And they're feeling like, well, how does this relate to our sexuality? But just what you said, Trevor, having a great night and resting well and being healthy people is a holistic endeavor. And it's not just about avoiding temptation. It's about all the other choices I'm making that promote my health.

Absolutely.

Well, I feel like I have got some stuff to work on after this episode. I've got a couple of these things to start implementing. So we hope that you don't, the listener, feel like you have to just take all these and throw them into your life and your routine right now. And if you already have a nightly routine routine, stick with that. If it's something that's healthy and is definitely helping you get sleep and staying on top of this, then continue to do those things. These, again, are just things we've seen through a little bit of research, but then also personal experience that these things are helpful for us. So it's important just to really be intentional about these things. It's to be. It's to reclaim and restore what maybe has been broken in your life. And so even though late at night you tend to not want to do things that are healthy, if you do those things, it will definitely you up for future success. So try some of these options out, start reclaiming your nightly routines and really think about your overall health. So, Nick, Heather, thanks, guys. Really appreciate your time.

Yeah, thanks for having me here.

Yeah, this was good. Thanks.

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