074 - 4 Ways To Renew Your Mind

Welcome to the Pure Desire podcast where we partner with you to bring hope and freedom on your journey to purity. Hey there. I'm your host, Trevor Windsor, and we're so thankful you're taking time out of your day to hang out with us. I'm here as always with my co host, Nick Stumbo.

The truth. Wow, that crackled. We might have to do that again. The truth. Why'd it crackle? That was weird.

This is the worst intro he's ever had.

We need to record that again because I had this great intro, but it crackled.

I don't want to.

I was gonna say you can't handle the truth and then I was gonna point out how apropos that is when we're talking about sexually compulsive behavior, because often the reason we run to those behaviors is because we can't handle the truth of our lives. And so we substitute things that make us feel good.

I'm super glad that the mic cracked.

I feel really let down now.

That's okay. All right, so we're gonn. That was for you listeners. I want you to see a little bit behind the screen a little bit. Just know that nothing is perfect in life, even this podcast.

And that was only about a third of what we've already been through this morning.

Yes, but we are not going to release that. That's the hidden footage. Okay. So back with us today is one of our favorite people, Heather Cole. Heather is our content manager, speaker, author, and an all time utility player here at PureDesire. We're glad to have her back with us. Welcome back, Heather.

Happy to be here again.

So today's episode, we're going to be talking through four ways to practically renew your mind. So Romans 12, 1, 2, they say, do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind. So today we're going to talk through four ways to do just that. Heather teaches this stuff at our Pure Desire conferences around the country. And so we're excited to have you here and talking us through these. So you ready to jump in?

Totally.

All right.

Yeah. And it's such an important topic because I think we see the need for change. We. There's the awareness of how destructive sexual behaviors are and pornography and all of that. But so many people are then in that place of saying, but what do I actually do? Like, how do I change all this? Because it feels like it's just there, you know? And society even sends that message of, well, that's just the way we are. We're Sexual beings. We can't help it. Everybody's that way. And to think that the change involves thinking differently, well, how do we get there? And I think that's what this podcast is all about. And so I'm super excited as well.

Yeah. So let's start with the first. The first question is this. Where do these practices. So before we even get into them, where do these ones come from? Where do we get these four ways to renew our minds?

So these are part of a model that's called cognitive behavioral therapy. And really, it looks at the way that we think contributes to the way that we feel, which contributes to the way that we behave. And really just how connected those are and intertwined that our thinking and our feeling and our behaviors, they all work together, either for us or against us. And this is a model that's used both in the secular arena and in the Christian arena to really try and help us understand why it is that we do what we do and how we then can move forward into healing and change our future behaviors.

Very good.

Well, and I know, Heather, for some of our listeners that maybe hear the phrase cognitive behavioral therapy, and there's a part of them that wants to check out and be like, ah, this is a lot of psychotherapy or just some counseling mumbo jumbo, you know, by the end of this podcast, we're really going to talk about how cognitive behavioral therapy can be deeply biblical. It depends on how we approach it. So just an encouragement to listeners that maybe that threw them a little bit. I think you're going to see completely how this ties into everything that we talk about in our faith. But for now, we want to jump into what are the four practices and think through really, what do they look like in our lives? So let's start with the first one. The first way of renewing our mind is goal setting. So, Heather, talk us through. What does goal setting look like in terms of changing our ways of thinking?

So goal setting is really unique in that our attempt to move toward health is always going to be a forward motion. And so as we create goals, that is one of the things that's going to propel us forward. And there's three basic rules when it comes to goal setting. The first one is to really keep a short list. So never set more than three goals for yourself at a time, because we have a tendency that when we want to change our behavior, we become really excited and motivated, and then we.

47 things. I'm gonna change this year.

Exactly. And so then we become overwhelmed and we fizzle out before we even get started. And then we go back to our old coping behaviors. And so if we keep that list short but really reasonable and practical, then we also feel the sense of achievement when we can actually cross something off our list and add new. So that's a great rule. The second one is really to focus on short term goals. So again, trying not to be so future oriented, but really focus on the present. What can I do today, what can I accomplish today to again keep myself in that forward motion? And then the third one is to set positive goals. We have a tendency to focus more on the things that we don't want to do instead of focusing on what we want to do. And so again being really intentional about setting positive goals for ourselves, again keeping that momentum and forward motion toward healing.

Well, and I love that that's the third part of it. Because growing up as an athlete and playing through college, specifically with baseball, what you hear a lot is when you get up to the plate and you're getting into an at bat, if you go up to the plate thinking don't strike out, don't strike out more often than not, that's a self fulfilling process prophecy, you're actually going to strike out, you have a higher percentage where if you go up thinking I'm just going to have this approach or I'm going to focus on hitting the ball this direction so it's a goal moving forward rather than a goal looking back, trying to avoid those can always be so much more beneficial because my momentum is heading towards health rather than. I mean, even if you just think about it, if you're moving forward towards a goal, but you decide to turn around and walk backwards toward that, while you're viewing the stuff you're trying to avoid, you're not going to get there at a good pace.

That's excellent.

Well, what I love about goal setting is it's really defining for us what is our destination or where are we trying to go. And something we know like in driving is you tend to head towards whatever you're looking at. And so that's why they say, you know, aim high and kind of have that perspective that keeps you really going in the right direction. Because when you start looking down at the radio, well, guess where you tend to pull the wheel towards the right because you're looking right. And so those goals kind of create that place on the horizon to say that's where I'm headed. And the more we look at them, we find ways to move towards what we're looking at. So having that destination in mind, I think is really helpful in creating change over the long haul.

Yeah.

So important.

Okay, so the second way to renew your mind is mental rehearsal or visualization. Talk us through this one. What do we mean?

So this is really when you are imagining yourself doing something, and especially if it's something that is going to be challenging or something difficult a lot of the time. The example I'll use is, you know, when people get into groups, into pure desire groups, that can be just a scary event in and of itself, something that they don't want to do. But yet, if you visualize yourself going to group, what is that going to look like? That I'm going to leave my house at this time, and then I'm going to stop and get coffee, and then I'm going to listen to this music on the drive, and then I'm going to get out of my car and I'm going to go into this building and even be really intentional about visualizing yourself going through that process. The secret to using this tool is that your brain doesn't know the difference. So it doesn't know the difference between when we're visualizing ourselves doing something and then when we go to actually do it. Because if we work toward visualizing that, then when we go to do it, then our brain says, hey, I've already been here. I know where we're going. And it makes that process so much more easy for us to be successful.

Well, and we've seen this be true in athletics. I mean, throughout the sporting world, teams are using that mental rehearsal visualization to improve. I heard a story from, I believe it was the Vietnam War. And maybe one of our listeners will know the source and can send it to me that a guy who was a prisoner of war every day rehearsed playing golf at his favorite course. And when he was released and got home from the war, his score had dropped immensely just from playing every day mentally. And so we do apply it to the sporting world. But think about it just in our everyday life, that if we know where are those spots where we're tempted to act out or maybe return to old behavior, and we can actually mentally rehearse. Well, I'm going to be home for two hours alone this evening. I'm going to think through and rehearse what's that time going to look like and imagine myself being restful and purposeful and maybe accomplishing some tasks or doing something enjoyable calling. And I'm just, even ahead of time, working through my plan. I'm More likely to actually execute that plan versus getting to that time where I'm alone and then I'm just vegging out and starting to watch things that put my mind in an unhealthy place and I'm going back down to old patterns. So taking what we know to be true in the sporting world and applying it just to everyday life, I think can be incredibly powerful.

Yeah, it's. It really is something that you're being proactive. And not only proactive to what I want to do, but proactive in the sense that when you start thinking about what is it that I need to do when this time or this season or this situation comes up, you also are quicker to like what Nick is talking about, identify those trip ups that you've had in the past. It's like, okay, when I go home and I know I've got alone time for a while, this is usually what I do. But because I'm being proactive in mental rehearsal or visualization, I'm quicker to pick up those things and be able to make the changes necessary.

And one thing I want to point out, I hear this question often at the conferences where somebody will ask, what's the difference between mental rehearsal or visualization and fantasy? And just a simple descriptor is that when we visualize ourselves doing something that's something real, that's something that's going to happen in our reality, whereas fantasy is typically not something that's going to ever be part of our reality. And so that's a good way for us to really reflect on what it is that we're doing in our mind. Are we practicing visualization or are we creating something that really is more of fantasy and we need to not go there.

Yeah, well, that brings up a good point that for a lot of people, the world of imagination has always been a negative for them because it leads them into fantasy. And so they maybe feel like they just have to squash that area of their life. But to realize God gave us the ability to imagine. I mean, that's a beautiful thing about being a human being is we can picture things. And if we leverage that for good, the power it has in our life is really incredible. Just as when we leverage it for evil, the power it has to pull us in the wrong direction is also there. But we can just really use this for our advantage because God blessed us with those imaginations.

Definitely.

So the first two we had goal setting, we had mental rehearsal or visualization. And now the third step here, positive self talk. So, Heather, tell us a little Bit. What does that look like?

So positive self talk is really where we focus on our internal messages, the messages that we tell ourselves. And one of the things that's interesting about this is that all of us, based on our past and our trauma and our experiences, we all seem to have these negative messages that play in our mind over and over again. The messages that will never be enough, or we're unlovable, or we're worthless. And really, when you look at, at the way the enemy uses those, those are lies. Those are lies playing through our mind that really keep us out of relationship with God and with others. And so the tool here or the practice is that we need to intentionally replace those messages. It's not enough that we tell ourselves, okay, stop thinking that we need to put something else in their place. If we really want to at a neurological level, create new neural connections and pathways, we need to replace it with something positive.

So there's a pastor and an author whose name is Paul Tripp, and he talks a lot about this. He actually has a book on words and the importance of them. But one of the things that I've heard him say is that we need to stop listening to ourselves and start talking to ourselves. And so stop being passive and allowing my thoughts and like my unintentional self talk to just keep, you know, pestering me. But to be proactive in that where I'm talking to myself, and then even if you're taking this even a little bit further into the spiritual realm to understand that the one person you have the most ability to preach the gospel to and preach truth to is yourself. Like you. You will. You have a 24, 7 access to yourself and your own mind. And so if you're able to fill that with that positive self talk, I mean, when we see people, their self esteem goes through the roof when this changes, it's not just something that we say is a good habit and we hope it works out. It statistically is shown that this is something that improves not just your. Not just your process and not just your habits, but I think your overall life because you learn how to process through a different filter.

It's so good.

Yeah, those are really good thoughts. You know, honestly, this is an area for me, I probably struggle with the most of these four areas. And I think it has a lot to do with allowing my feelings to drive my thinking so, particularly like early in the morning when I wake up and I'm groggy and maybe I feel stiff and I've got a full day and my Mind will just start going, I'm not going to feel. Feel good today. I'm going to be tired and it's going to be hard. It's going to be draining. And without even meaning to, I'm just mentally rehearsing all these negative things. And sometimes it takes a while for me to even catch myself. And so I bet for me, probably half of my commitments to change that I make in my group have to do with mental rehearsal about having a breath prayer that I practice or a verse that I'm meditating on so that as soon as I recognize, I'm thinking, oh, today's gonna be bad. There's nothing good that'll happen. It's all going to be draining to have that check that goes, no, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, or I'm more than a conqueror, through Christ Jesus our Lord, or overwhelming victory is mine through Christ my Lord. Things like that, that just say, no, this day is full of promise and possibility. And the way I feel right now doesn't have to determine the reality of the rest of my day. So like I said, it's hard for me because it's almost in our subconscious of just that. ELEVATOR MUSIC STARTS playing I'm grouchy and bleh. But like you said, Trevor, rather than being passive about that and just letting it happen to practice, say, wait, wait a minute, I don't have to think that way. I'm going to be in charge of my brain and tell it what to think about today. And I've heard you say things about that, Heather, that tell your brain, no, this is what we're going to think about today.

Well, and the interesting thing about this is that, is that we have to recognize that the problem and the solution cannot come from the same source. And so if we're the ones that are playing the negative messages in our head, then the positive messages, they need to come from an outside source. They need to come from our identity in Christ. They need to come from that group experience having other people in our lives that are going to pour into our lives that are going to help us to replace those negative messages.

Yeah. So all three of these have been awesome. Let's move on now to the fourth. Our fourth. And the final way to renew our mind is arousal control. You might need to define this a little bit, too, because I think that arousal can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. So what do we mean when we say arousal control?

So arousal, if you were to just simply look at that word alone, arousal, means change. And a lot of times what we're looking at is that when we have a change, typically in our emotional state because of what's happening in our environment, and the way that we use this as part of the tools in most of our curriculum and is we're talking about being able to calm our mind, calm ourselves in a time where we're feeling stressed or we're feeling aroused by what's happening in our environment. So something is happening typically out of our control. And how is it that we're going to bring everything back into an area of focus? And we do that through breathing and biblical meditation. And it's important to recognize, too, that we're talking about biblical meditation.

So.

So we're not talking about clearing our mind. We're talking about filling our mind with God's word and with his attributes that really comes from scripture, that we're commanded to meditate on the Lord and on his Word both day and night. And so this is really what we're talking about, how this physiologically is going to change the way we think and change the way we feel. And it's going to happen through really just breathing and focusing our thinking.

So, Heather, let's say someone recognizes they're becoming aroused by anger. They get an email, say, from their boss, that really just triggers them. They feel. I mean, no one in this room would ever have that experience.

I was gonna say this morning, I got like three of those.

So let's say hypothetically that you're feeling that. Man, I'm getting angry and all that's going in my brain and that negative thinking. How long should we attempt to practice, like, some deep breathing and meditation to really see some change in our thinking?

So if I. And your hypothetical situation, quote unquote, I would definitely stop looking at the email, for one thing, because that's only going to trigger you more.

Delete it. Don't reply. Sorry. Keep going.

But really, it's going to take just stepping out of that situation, even moving away and walking away from that email, and then find a place where you can sit and you can just relax and start breathing. I mean, really breathe in to the count of four. Pause, breathe out to the count of four. But you have to be super intentional with that. So you're talking about slowing down your breathing and dropping your shoulders and just really trying to relax your entire body and relax your mind and bring it all into focus. And again, not focusing on the email that you just received, but focusing on, okay, this is who I am. In Christ, you God knew I was going to get this email. I don't have to be panicked. Lord, give me the words to say, but at that time, you're working really hard to just breathe and meditate and calm your mind and calm your body at a physiological level.

So I should do that like two times or for half an hour or just as long as it takes any kind of barometer of what should I expect in terms of time to engage in that.

I would give yourself probably five minutes. But really the goal in this one is not to react or train yourself to be more proactive with your emails that you receive, but really it is that you plan every day in your day that I'm going to take three times out of my day, I'm going to breathe and relax and meditate on the Lord for five to 15 minutes. So that then if that becomes part of your daily practice, then when you get an email like that, then you're not going to react. It's not going to trigger your arousal, freak out Trevor, or, you know, any of those things, but that you can totally handle it right there in the moment because you're already in that state of calmness and, and breathing and relaxed state. Does that make sense?

Yeah. So it's not just waiting until I feel triggered by anger or sex or depression or, you know, whatever feeling is really starting to overwhelm me to then start to meditate. But just have that be a regular part of my day so that my mindset for whatever comes, I'm able to handle it.

Exactly. Yeah. So good.

All right, Heather, those are the four ways that we can renew our minds. We've talked about goal setting, mental rehearsal, positive self talk, and now arousal control. These are all great. They're very powerful tools. But for someone listening, they might feel this is difficult to try to implement all at once. So what kind of encouragement will you give to someone when trying to live these out? How could they start to implement these four ways of renewing their mind?

That is a great question. And again, we can't do everything at once. We can't fix everything at once. And so I always recommend that people just pick one. Pick one of these things that you're gonna try and implement into your everyday life and do that one thing for a month. Give yourself one month to try and implement one of these tools. And then after you're successful with that one, then try adding the next one. And so realistically, it could take you four months to develop all of these practices as part of your routine or Maybe even longer. If, you know, positive self talk is not high on your list, that might take a little bit longer. But still, it's that forward motion, adding one thing at a time. Gain success in that area and then add another one.

And for any of those perfectionists out there who really can't choose, they feel like they have to have, like, one or, like. So people that are just like, it's either four or it's none of, Let me just tell you right now, positive self talk. There you go. Decision is made. Just pick positive self talk. Practice that for a month, and then email me. I'll put my email on it, and I'll tell you which one you should try next.

Yeah, good idea. Well, I think what you're pointing out, Heather, is that even in the attempt to apply these four ways, we can fall into the very trap we're trying to avoid that we feel like, I can't accomplish my goals. What's wrong with me? And I forgot to meditate today, and I. So we want to make sure in trying to practice health, we don't inadvertently create more unhealth by beating ourselves up or shaming ourselves if we're not practicing these things perfectly. Because just as you brought up Trevor, it's not an all or none thing. It's about progress. It's about stepping forward. And if right now you have no goals, what's one simple goal you could set for the week? Well, that's going to be progress in the right direction. And what's one phrase you could start meditating on or just saying to yourself when you hear yourself getting negative? I mean, just a couple of things like that that you could start today would move you in the right direction. And then over time, as we keep implementing them and adding more, we can look back and see, wow, I've made a lot of progress. But it came because step by step, I was moving in this direction, not because I figured it all out in one day.

Yeah, absolutely. And again, the goal of these is to not create more stress in your life, but to minimize stress in your life. And so, again, whatever it takes to keep you in that forward motion moving in a healthy direction is going to benefit you in the long run.

Yeah. So how often. And Nick has kind of gone into this a little bit already, but how often should we do these? Like, how often should these practices be a part of our everyday life if we really want them to be effective?

Every day. This is something that really, when it comes to renewing our mind and changing our brain, this is a Lifelong process. This is something that, that we need to be intentional, that we're moving toward health. Because, you know, it's one of those things where when life is great, it's easy for us to practice all of these things. But when life goes sideways, I'll tell you right now, you're going to throw all of these tools out the window, and you're going to immediately want to go back to your old behaviors. And the goal here is that really, you're setting yourself up for what's coming next, that the more that every single day you, you can focus on, what can I do today to keep my mind healthy, to move in a direction toward health, to renew my mind, then when that hard day comes, then you're going to have the tools that you need to be more successful. Not that it's not going to be hard, but that you're going to be more prepared and more proactive instead of reactive when the time comes.

Yeah, and what I like about these practices is if you even only have one minute, you can engage with them. You could take one minute to start thinking positive. You could take one minute to have some mental rehearsal or visualize something going well in your day. Unlike exercise, where we think about, okay, I could get my clothes and get in the car and drive to the gym. And if I have a minute, I really can't do a whole lot, but if I have a minute, I can practice some mental health. I could think through a goal for my week. So it is one of those things where anytime during the day we recognize, man, I've fallen into some real negative patterns here. Just take that minute to make progress in the other direction and not feel like, well, unless I've got 20 minutes, I can't do anything. So just in those small increments, getting back into those healthy practices, and this.

Is something that you can do not only for yourself, but for your family, for your kids. I mean, this could be something that creates real life change for your entire family and for those that are around you. And so, I mean, don't hesitate to get your kids involved in this and start talking this language to them because it'll make a difference in their lives, too.

Well, and it's definitely true. The more we communicate these things to people around us, whether in our group or our spouse or in our family, that, hey, here's something I'm working on, that when we say something out loud to others, it has more power in our life because we know others are aware versus when I'm the only one that knows about a goal, it's pretty easy to change it. We had this experience on a trip a couple weeks ago where I had communicated to our team, hey, here's a one of my goals for this trip. And it had to do with meal times. And so of course we're all together at meals and they're reminding me at every meal, which was a little bit humorous. But also there was no way I was going to forget that goal versus if I had never told anyone. It would have been so easy to just rationalize and go, oh, this little bit doesn't mind this extra dessert, this extra whatever. And so that's the nature of all of us, that when we only know it ourselves, it's easy to forget or minimize or rationalize it. But when we bring it into the group, into the marriage, into the family, you know, doing it with our kids, practicing, you know, healthy phrases of positive affirmation, like, it sticks and it works. So find ways to communicate it and say out loud what you're thinking about.

You know, something I've heard too, and it's been discussed on this podcast, is don't try to recreate times for these things. Find the pockets that are already in your day to do these things. You know, people are like, I'm gonna get up at 5am and I'm gonna meditate and read the Bible. Well, it's like, bro, have you ever been up at 5am in your life and the answer is no. What do you expect? Like, you're gonna be groggy, you're gonna hate life, you haven't had your coffee yet. So like, build it into the times that you know that you have where for me, like, I've got a 30 minute drive to work and a 30 minute drive back. I can claim that time for positive self talk or goal setting or maybe, you know, maybe I need some meditation, but I. And I'm listening to scripture in order to fill my brain. So it's finding those pockets of time. And maybe you don't have a half an hour drive, but find those pockets, find those areas and fill them rather than trying to recreate something new.

Okay, Heather, we've talked about this at the beginning of the podcast, but let's come back to this idea that for some people, what we've discussed today might just feel like psychotherapy or self help. So how do these practices relate to our faith and our belief that it's God's spirit who works these changes in our mind and in our hearts?

I think that that's a great Question, because this is where we wrap all of this back to Romans 12:2, is that if Paul says that we're to be transformed by the renewing of our mind, what does that look like? I mean, and how do we do that in a practical way? And it really is through using these types of tools that we start at a physiological level, renewing our mind every single day so that we can have a mind that reflects health and reflects relationship with God and reflects healthy relationship with others.

Because, like, when I hear this question, I think of, like, Colossians 3, where it talks about putting off the old man and putting on the new. And that's what I think about goal setting. You're not just thinking about what am I taking off. You're planning to add something healthy to your life that's going to help you, especially in this. In this arena we're talking about, like the three circles tool, like, what's in your green circle. What are the healthy things that you need to be moving toward in order to sustain and maintain sobriety? But not just that, but create a healthy lifestyle. Like, how am I living my best and most intentional life? And it's when I pursue these things, when it's man, when it's like mental rehearsal. Like, Scripture talks about how important it is to memorize Scripture and have it written on our hearts. Man. We were just talking about this in our community group recently. The idea that when Jesus was tempted, the first thing he went to was scripture. All he did was throw scripture right back at the tempter. And that whole idea of being able to visualize or mentally rehearse that stuff is going to be helpful. Because when times come up where we need to react, maybe we get that email from a boss and we're about to freak out. But because we've taken time to rehearse this truth and to find our identity and who we are, then it's already in there. It's already in the chamber ready to fire when we need it.

Yeah. And I think you nailed it, that in any one of these four practices, it can be simply self help, or it can be very spiritual and biblical, depending on how we approach it. So if. If I just make goals that are based on what feels good or self help, then it is just self help. But if my goals are based on who God's calling me to be, what I hear him saying in my life, then they have a very spiritual component. Mental rehearsal. I can rehearse and visualize what I see Christ doing in my life and how he's changing me for positive self talk. I can just think, I can do it, I can do it, or I can. I can quote scripture. And for that arousal control, I can just be taking deep breaths of, I'm okay, I'm okay. Or those deep breaths can be, lord, help me to remember you. It can be prayer and meditation. And so we really have a choice in how we approach them that, as you've mentioned, these are used secularly. They're used in just cognitive behavioral therapy. That is totally apart from faith. But just because they're used that way doesn't mean we should be nervous about adopting them as practices in our faith and in following Christ. It's really how we use them. And that, you know, that's true about so much of life, that life is all spiritual if we allow it to be, if we enter into gratitude and thankfulness and bringing our whole life before God. And so I think these practices are deeply spiritual and biblical as we allow them to be.

And I think that really this is, this is a way that we learn or train ourselves to walk out our health, walk out our healing. And again, other people will notice the people that are around us, that they will be affected by it as well. So these tools are so good once we learn what to do with them.

Yeah, this, this is awesome. Like, I, it's, it's cool because I get to go and travel around at these conferences too, and I get to hear this, but I've always wanted to. Well, this is one of the episodes I really wanted to sit down and talk about and talk through because I think so many people can use these very simple and practical tools. And what's awesome is that they're simple and they're practical ways to implement stuff that's from the Lord and that can be really difficult to understand and know how to do so often. And so I love that when we can put handles on the truth and handles on what God teaches us. And so thanks for being super smart and thanks for hanging out with us today.

Yeah, pleasure to be with you guys again.

And thank you for listening to the Pure Desire podcast. If you like what you're hearing and want to keep up with the podcast, please subscribe. You can also rate and review our podcast and let us know how we're doing. For more information, check out our website, PureDesire.org and you can follow us on social mediauredesirepdmi. Once again, that's earedesirepdmi. We'll see you next time. Thanks for listening to the Pure Desire Podcast for more information, check out our website, www.puredesire.org. check in each week for new content on the podcast and we pray that it will help you find hope and freedom on your journey to purity.