077 - A Healthy Holiday

Welcome to the Pure Desire podcast where we partner with you to bring hope and freedom on your journey to purity. Hey there. I'm your host, Trevor Windsor. We're so thankful you're taking time out of your day to hang out with us. I'm here as always with my co host, Nick Stumbo.

Oh, holy night.

Oh holy night. First off, Merry Christmas, listener. Today is Christmas and Merry Christmas.

Can you believe we came into the office on Christmas day to record this episode?

We are just that dedicated to our listeners. We love you guys so much. In Christmas tradition, we have a present for you. Your gift is another podcast episode with Just Nick and I. We know you're constantly clamoring for episodes of Just Us. You've sent Santa Claus letters upon letters, maybe emails upon emails asking for another episode with no guests. Well, guess what? We're here today to give you exactly what you want. Okay, none of that is actually true.

There's going to be long return lines for this gift.

Except that you do actually get another episode with only me and Nick. Our time today is gonna be spent talking about what a healthy holiday looks like. If you're like us, holidays can be and often are very difficult. They're stressful, carry waves of different emotions. We're gonna give you three quick hitters of tips to have a real healthy holiday. You ready to jump in?

Yeah, let's do this.

Alright, so the first thing we want to talk about today is handling stress. So Nick, how do we best handle stress during the holidays?

Yeah, that's a great question. And I think it starts by just acknowledging there's probably gonna be stress around the holidays. We get kind of this picture perfect idea of from Hallmark and movies that feels like everything should just go perfectly. And when we're stressed, that's actually part of the stress, is that why am I so stressed is making me more stressed. But just to realize that's not a real view of Christmas, that around Christmas we're with family that we don't usually see that can create stress. We travel with our family, that can create stress. We spend money on gifts and then think about returning gifts and there's shopping and that can create stress. And there's just a lot of things we do that, yeah, they can be fun, they can be memorable, they make great experiences, but they do have a way of producing stress. So to just take a deep breath and let it be okay is one big thing. And the other thing that comes to mind for me would be to really slow down and ask yourself, why am I feeling this Stress, really? Because I think sometimes we just say I'm just stressed out, or we take too general approach that. For example, maybe someone who's in a broken family is, well, why are you stressed? Well, I'm stressed because I have to hand my kids off to my ex and I hate doing that. It's like, well, what is it really? And maybe underneath that you realize what's causing stress is that when I see my ex, I feel this level of judgment and insecurity. Well, that's actually less about your ex. That's something you could take to the Lord or to a close friend to say, man, I just really struggle with feeling the old pain and feeling judged and I need to let go of some of that. So if you can see the source of your stress and not say, well, it's Christmas, I'm stressed out. Is it financial stuff that's stressing you? Is it an unresolved wound in a relationship with a family member that you're going to see? Is it the credit card bill coming in January? Is it. That's a real thing? Is it driving on Wintry Road? I mean, there are just a ton of things that might be creating it if we could really identify where it's coming from and then reach out to someone in a proactive way to just say, man, here's something that's really weighing on me and creating stress and can you help me process it or could you pray for me? That really, I think equips us to deal with it when we know where it's coming from.

It's funny because most of my Christmases emotionally end up being more like the movie Die Hard, which by the way, is the greatest Christmas movie of all time. You can't argue me on this. It's a great Christmas movie, but truth.

Be told, I haven't seen it.

Okay, that's okay, we forgive you for that. But I think that it's. You go into it always expecting the best and obviously things fall apart quickly. Oh, so, so quickly. So what I would do is I would really just, I mean prepare. Like you've. If you know that going over to your parents house, there's going to be this topic talked about or there's going to be this interaction, you know, that one cousin is going to show up. We all have that one cousin, you know what I mean, who shows up. So be in preparation of that and use your spouse, use the people in your life to have those conversations beforehand and identify those things. Because if we look back at what stressed us out in the past. Unless we've actually done work on those things, they're gonna happen again. It's the same stuff that's gonna stress me out this year that did last year. So really just think through that sort of stuff and communicate that with the people around you. And look, if you have to numb out and watch Die Hard so you know your life is not an absolute train wreck and made into a movie, then do that.

Yeah. I think what I hear you saying, or maybe both of us, is in the holidays just being okay with being present in the moment that is not the moment that we think it should be or the moment we fear that it will be. If we can just appreciate what is happening. The families around us, the relationships at whatever level they're at, enter into them, engage with it, and find joy in that. I think it ends up being really good as opposed to living in the stress of what isn't or what could be and getting all worked up by it. So that leads kind of right into our second idea here about a healthy holiday. And the tip is this, to communicate our feelings. Communicating our feelings. Why is that so important during the holidays, Trevor?

So I think that one of the things especially, I know for me just as a guy, that growing up, you don't communicate your feelings like you keep them to yourselves. And one of the things too is we often tend to have certain feelings towards our family that we don't want to communicate because we're afraid of maybe breaking relationship or putting waves in the water or something like that. But I think that unless we communicate how we actually feel. And granted, that doesn't mean that you just whack someone over the face with a two by four of your feelings. Like you should communicate it gently and humbly. But honestly communicate how you're feeling, because if you don't, some of those things can go untapped and you don't really know what's going on. And until you almost like give those things some air to breathe, you put them out in the world a little bit, you find that maybe there's less going on than maybe you thought. And maybe you're also find out that the person you're talking to, if you're communicating is like, you know, I felt the same thing too. And then you start to work through that stuff where if you just leave stuff under the rug and don't communicate how you feel, and then it could be really. That's why we call it the trigger season, because it's just the same old stuff. We're going back into, and we're not addressing those things. And so I think that this is a way to get underneath the rug, find out really what could trip us up and really start to address those things.

Yeah, I think it's in a healthy way, letting your voice be heard. Because in a lot of these situations where with family or with relatives, we're maybe used to just deferring to the group or deferring to the patriarch or the matriarch, well, it's always been done this way, but nobody knows maybe that our feelings are being hurt. Nobody knows we're feeling ignored. Nobody knows the stress it's creating in our individual family. So it's to be proactive, to think about the situations you'll be in. And maybe it means a phone call the night before to say, hey, you know, when we do the family picture, and there's always this expectation that makes my kids feel this way, and it never goes well and they're going to argue. So would it be possible this year to do something different? And maybe your family won't listen to that. Maybe they're not receptive to changes, but for you to at least have had your voice heard. And I think in those environments where as we're communicating our feelings, as we're trying to be honest about what we're dealing with, if it's not being received by the people that it needs to be, that's where having a group is so valuable. Having someone you can call and say, man, I am so stressed by what my dad's doing or what happened with my kids. Can I talk about it? That's really valuable. And the other thing I know that my wife and I have had to work on around holidays, when we have a lot of family or we're with family, is make sure that somewhere in the day we're still connecting. Because it can be easy just to go into a routine where you're together for three days, but you haven't really talked in three days. Yeah. So whether it's early in the morning or when you're going to bed at night to just kind of decompress, say, how we doing? How are you doing? Have I done anything? If, you know, if I'm with her family, especially, hey, am I doing anything that's bothering you? Or, you know, let me know, let's work on it. And as you can connect as a couple, that's just going to help you so much during the day. So if you're in the middle of Christmas and you realize, I haven't really talked to My spouse in three days, even though we've been together in our house, find some time to sit down and just reconnect, and that'll help you out a lot.

Well, and let me kind of go off that, because I think it's a great point. I think that if I'm talking to my wife before we get into the stressful situation, she's going to know better how to help me and minister to me and give me the encouragement. So if I know that I'm going to walk into a situation where I don't know, let's say there's tension between me and one of my brothers and she knows about it and we've talked about it, when a situation arises where maybe that's starting to get there and I'm starting to maybe heighten a little bit and get a little bit more agitated, she can come alongside and maybe enter into the conversation and help guide in another direction or to, in between times, give me encouragement. So I think that it's helpful, too, because I know I've got an advocate walking into that stressful time because I've done the communication and the work beforehand. And so I think what we're saying is that you can communicate before, during, and after and making sure that those things are all hit. Okay, so we're only doing three. This is a short, quick episode.

So you can get back to the eggnog.

That's right, the eggnog. So the last healthy habit for the holiday that we want to talk about is identify, isolation. Talk about that a little bit.

Yeah. I think what we're saying here is we just want to be aware that even though we might be around a lot of people, it is a time we might withdraw more than we would, maybe because of some stress or maybe because of a relationship that's not quite right, or maybe we're just kind of fried being around busyness and activity all day. And so we take more time to isolate on our phone or to just disengage because everyone, all the kids are busy playing with their toys, so we just get absorbed in our gift or something that we want to do. And that's not necessarily all bad, but when it's about a way of dealing with unpleasant emotions and we're just pushing people away, that often can be the pathway into relapses or unwanted behavior. And we've talked about this, that the holidays can be a huge challenge to our sobriety and to staying in a healthy place. And so I know last year around this time, we did a podcast on how to avoid relapses during the holidays and maybe going back and listening to that, if that's a challenge, that. That there are just unique things that happen that can make us want to disengage. And so my encouragement here really is to keep in mind the difference between isolation and solitude. Isolation is being alone in a way that I'm escaping just for my own indulgence and enjoyment, whereas solitude is intentionally removing myself for health and recovery. So solitude usually will include some aspect of our faith of prayer, meditation, journaling, listening to worship music. I think either coming into or coming out of some solitude, it's a phone call to just say, hey, I'm boy, I am just zapped from being with people all day. I'm taking a night to watch movies. But we're engaging in a conversation in a healthy way because it's not wrong to be alone, but it's wrong to escape. So I can just do the things I want and push people away. And that puts me in a dangerous place. So when you realize you're getting kind of fed up with people or the busyness, make sure it's a time of solitude that actually renews you and helps you enter back into relationships, not just a way to escape and avoid responsibility or conversations.

One of the things I've heard you say about this, and I think it might have been on the podcast, but it's the whole idea between isolation and self care. Like what is like selfishness and self care. And I think one of the things that you've said before, and I've really adopted this into my life, is that the question is, what type of man am I? What type of person am I after I get back from doing that? So if I am a better person, if I'm a better brother, and if I'm a better son, husband, father, friend, after I do something, then that has been more self care. It's on the side of I'm intentionally taking time, maybe that solitude to really re energize and come back ready to be engaged fully in my life where isolation is the opposite. I come back, man, wanting more isolation, wanting to avoid more. And so I think that asking that question has been super helpful for me, especially in the holidays, because. Because what's kind of funny about isolation is you can isolate in an entire. Like in a room full of people, you can still isolate, you can still sit down and you can be on your phone or you could be watching the game or something like that. But I think that it's really important that you identify and create pockets for self care, but then also ask that question, what is it creating in you? Is it creating a better you? Is it creating a lesser you? And if it's lesser, then I think that that's when you've identified. Maybe that's isolation.

Yeah, yeah, good point. Well, Trevor, I know we're keeping it short because we want people to not escape their Christmas traditions for too long and engage with family, but let's end today as we often do. What's some final encouragement you would give to listeners here during the holidays?

Yeah, I think a couple things come to mind. One is we tend to feel shame around the holidays because we know we've struggled. And I think that understanding that we've struggled doesn't. It shouldn't cause shame. Understanding that we struggled is actually self awareness. And we should understand that that is steps into recovery, that steps into health. That I've identified this season is difficult for me. And maybe here are some of the reasons. So not to feel shame that you feel this way during the holidays, but to actually feel empowerment knowing, you know, what God has helped reveal. This is a struggle for me. So that's the first thing. And the second thing is. And this is something, man, I did, man, I did this week, just in preparation for the holiday, was calling people in my group and saying, you know, this was an interaction I had. This was some like. And even there may be the small things that I wouldn't call somebody before, maybe when it's not a holiday week, but understanding that it's a holiday week is kind of like an amplification of everything. And so if someone cut me off, you know, on my way to work and it just really got under my skin, maybe make the call. Even though normally you haven't made that phone call to a group member to say, hey, man, someone just cut me off. And they're like, oh, it's not a big deal. Where during the holidays it definitely can be. So be proactive and really go above and beyond if you want to maintain sobriety.

Yeah. And I think my final encouragement kind of along those lines is to remember that holiday is a shortened form of Holy Day. Not a break from every kind of discipline in my life, which sometimes we do with holidays, that these are sacred days where we're celebrating meaningful things and they can be very renewing, they can be memorable if we allow it to be a holy day of meaningful interaction. And that's not to say we don't also do fun things, splurge and eat too much once in a while, make those fun memories. But I know in my life I've struggled with holiday. Well, hey, I'm on a break. And that's a break from healthy eating habits, healthy sleeping habits, no exercise, no time with the Lord. It just becomes a break from everything that actually supports the kind of life I want to live. So I would just encourage someone, as you're walking through this time between Christmas and New Year's and you're maybe getting some extra time, let these be holy days. Use the extra time for good, for relationship with your family, with God, you know, to spend that extra time maybe walking and praying. That really does fill you up. As opposed to just thinking, if I abandon all healthy habits, somehow that will help me. Because when I've done that, you know, I can get into a new year and just feel like, man, I kind of wasted a week there of just doing a lot of nothing, some of it good. But there wasn't enough health that made it renewing. So remember that word. It's a holy day. And how can God make this time meaningful for you and for your family? And then, as you said, Trevor, you know, when it doesn't go perfect, take a deep breath, say it's okay, and let it be what it is.

Yeah. So, listener, Merry Christmas. We hope that you have an awesome day. Just know that having a healthy and sober holiday is not always an easy accomplishment. More often than not, it is not easy, but it is very possible. Can't go through the holidays on cruise control without intentionality. We really just have to be proactive. So we hope that these three simple tips are helpful for you today as you move to surviving the holidays. Maybe we're catching you between the cinnamon rolls and presents. Wherever we're catching you, just know that health during the holidays is possible. So, Nick, Merry Christmas, man. Thanks for hanging out.

Yeah. Enjoy these moments, everyone.

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