086 - Stories Of Healing: Rick Bulman

Welcome to the Pure Desire Podcast, where we partner with you to bring hope and freedom on your journey to purity. Hey, ladies. I wanted to let you know about an upcoming event, the Pure Desire Women's Conference. This two day conference is designed to help all women find grace and peace in their daily lives. Doesn't that sound nice? Regardless of where you've been in your life, through this event you'll get a break from the daily grind. You get a fresh dose of encouragement and look. You'll also get practical tools to help you find emotional, spiritual, and sexual health. This conference is from April 5th through 6th at the Sheraton Portland Airport Hotel. I'm excited for you to hear from Heather Kolb, Ashley Jamison, and our featured speaker, Patty Moreno. Come gather with other women looking to find ways to be healthier people in today's world. To register and get more info on the speakers on the schedule and more, visit PureDesire.org PDWomen Again, that's PureDesire.org PDWomen that's all I got for now. Enjoy the podcast. Hey there. I'm your host, Trevor Windsor, and we're so thankful you're taking time out of your day to hang out with us. I'm here, as always, with my co host, Nick Stumbo.

Yahtzee.

Okay, so this is where we're at with this Yahtzee. Grew up playing it. Love it. It's awesome. Used to use a pencil, right? But now there are apps that you can play Yahtzee.

But did you ever play triple Yahtzee?

No. Is that like a triple shot coffee?

Well, it was a bit of a letdown because they really advertised it like this awesome new thing. And it turns out you were just playing three games of Yahtzee at once, and it wasn't any different than the original Yahtzee.

That's interesting. Come back next episode.

It's one of my letdowns of my childhood.

Yeah. So come back next episode. We'll be playing triple Yahtzee during the episode. That's great. Okay, so today's episode is another story of healing. These episodes are where we get to talk with people who've had firsthand experience with addiction or the effects of addiction and have found hope in healing. It would be one thing if Nick and I just sat here and talked each week about how all this pure desire stuff works. But honestly, we want to be able to give those who've experienced healing to be able to share their stories. And it's done, really, in an attempt to encourage other people and give Them hope with anybody who might be struggling. So our guest today is Rick Bolman. Rick is the director of business development for propaq Logistics. Try to say that a few times fast. He's an ordained foursquare pastor and is the co author of our newest Pure Desire book, One Couple's Journey from Betrayal to Imperfect Beauty. He and his wife Tiffany wrote our book, this new book. We're really excited about it and, and we're excited to hear Rick's story and talk a little bit more about the book. Rick, welcome to the PD podcast.

Hey, thanks, Trevor and Nick, thanks for having me. It really is a pleasure to be here with you both.

And what's really sad for you listeners is Rick's a really attractive guy. You don't get to see him on this. So just know good looking sharp dude. We're really excited.

So he doesn't say that to everybody either. Rick, I don't take it as a compliment.

I'm gonna go back and listen to other people podcast to see if this is you.

Sure it is true. I don't think I've ever said that before. And now we're getting judged by everybody. Okay, so let's just jump in. Rick, a lot of Pure Desire people probably have no idea who you are. Mended is brand new for a lot of them. So can you start and just give us a little bit of background on your upbringing, your story?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Well, I was a Southern California kid. I was born and raised in Southern Cal. I was born in Long Beach, California. And just we. At five years old, I ended up moving. My family moved to the desert. So I traded the ocean to becoming a desert rat in Atalanto, Victorville, California. Some people may know where that is, but some of the dynamics that are unique to my story, or actually maybe even common for some people is that when I was three years old, my parents got a divorce. And so I'm just gonna kind of jump right in if that's okay with all this. Three years old parents got a divorce when I was five. My mom married a gentleman by the name of Rick. And then my dad also remarried a lady when I was. My biological father married someone when I was five. And so I ended up getting two different families. And it was, I remember it being kind of strange for me, but nonetheless, you know, I was kind of a statistic in that way. So right after about, I don't know, when I was 6 years old or so, we moved to the high desert and I lived there until I graduated high school when I was 7. My dad, my stepdad, Rick, he wanted to adopt me. And so he. I remember him and my mom coming to me, hey, Rick would like to adopt you. What do you think about that? This is what it means, all that sort of thing. And. And I was all for it. And we actually get into some of the fun backstory in our book mended around this adoption. But so that was really unique. I actually had my name changed when I was born. It was Anthony Alfred Drago. And when I got adopted, they changed my name from Anthony Alfred Drago to Glenn Richmond Bowman iii. I didn't like Glenn, so I went by Rick or Ricky. And so in the book, how we came to that name, it's kind of a fun story, but my dad, Tony, my original, My biological father, my original, my biological father, I've been blessed. He stayed in my life the entire time. Still in my life today. That spoke to him on the phone earlier this morning. So I've been fortunate in that regard. But I lived primarily with my mom and now my new real dad, if you will. I was an active kid, played organized sports, football, baseball and basketball. Grew up in a Christian home. My parents got saved when I was five. And, you know, from then on, it was going to church. I went to church camps, church plays. I was in them, Christian clubs, youth group, all of that. When I was 15 years old, preached my first sermon.

Wow.

And yeah, it was to my Sunday school class. It was on sin. And. But then I didn't do it again for about four years.

You mean you didn't sin again or you didn't preach again?

I went on sinning before I didn't. Was a typical teenager in that regard.

Really, really important to clarify that. Yeah, yeah.

Yes, yes. So no. But at 19, I did get another opportunity. And that was when the Lord arrested my heart and said, young man, this is something for you. And so I felt the press for ministry, I went to pursue it. Me and a couple childhood friends, we moved down south around Life Bible College, our four squares college to attend. There I became a youth pastor. And. And that's where I met my wife, Tiffany. She grew up in Washington. And again, let me just say this. I'm really sorry that Tiffany couldn't be with us today. She just couldn't make it. She really wanted to, but she sends her blessing. Tiffany lived in Washington and wanted to go to Life Bible College, and so moved down to San Dimas, California, and that's where we got connected. And then we got married. And then the reality set in that this is not going to be a happily ever after scenario. And real life happened. And that's kind of the abridged version of my childhood.

Well, Rick, we're really excited that you are on the podcast. I've read the book, read a lot of the story, and I know listeners will appreciate hearing the full story in the book. So I already kind of preview that and say, hey, go out and grab it, read the story. It all really pieces together. But you came to Pure Desire a different route than most men, not because of addiction issues in your own life, although I know you're going to share about issues that you faced, but really because a few years ago your marriage hit a real speed bump. So tell us a little bit more about the background of your marriage and then what were the events that led up to your eventual connection with Pure Desire?

Yeah, Tiffany and I are going to be married 26 years this February 20th, and we've got four amazing kids, three boys and a girl. And because of Pure Desire, I believe sincerely, that's why we're able to celebrate 26 years. Pure desire has been astronomically instrumental in my personal healing, in Tiffany's personal healing, as well as just healing in our marriage and family in totality. So thank you guys for what you're doing. Some background information that led to the speed bump, let's call it that from the beginning. Tiffany and I, we had a little bit of intensity to our marriage from the get go. Both of us were firstborns. We had to be right. We were very strong willed. We were used to getting the last word in. And typically it was a sarcastic last word, just to be honest. And there was always this kind of edginess to how we relate to each other. But in the midst of all of that, we did laugh a lot. And in the beginning, we got along great. Now, early on in the marriage, as things just start to progress and whatnot, Tiffany began to emotionally disconnect from me. But I didn't know it, I just didn't realize it. And here's the reason why. And actually there was a couple reason, and I'll try to be brief with this, but the reason was I was not doing the things she had envisioned her husband doing. So in other words, her dad. Her dad, Jerry, Phenomenal guy. Love him. And her parents are still married today. She didn't go through a divorced home or anything. Her dad, Jerry is her hero or growing up especially. And she as a little girl would pick up on things that he would do that she that made her feel so Secure and valued. He would lock up the house every night. He would lock the windows, he'd lock the back door, the front door, the garage door, and it just battened down the hatches. It made Tiffany feel safe and she recognized this secure feeling as a little girl. Well, then he would do stuff like that. But he would also, like every week he'd be checking the oils in the car, all the oil, and washing the windshield. He's constantly cleaning. He's a guy that just can't sit down. He's doing yard work, all these things. And Tiffany's dad, by doing all of this growing up, made her feel loved, safe, cared for and valued. So when we got married, she just thought I'd do what her dad did. But the problem was I didn't grow up like that. I grew up in Victorville. At the time, it was kind of a safe place to live. We didn't lock our house, we didn't lock our doors. In fact, if you go to my parents house right now in Gig Harbor, Washington, the front door is unlocked. I guarantee it. We just didn't do it. And my dad would keep the key in the ignition of the car that was parked out front. So locking up the house at night was never on my radar. We never did any routine car upkeep, Just never saw it outside of getting your oil changed every 3,000 miles. And yard work. I hated it. I mean, Jerry always did yard work, kept the house nice. For me, it was a punishment. I lived out in the desert. My parents would say, you're pulling weeds for the day. So you know, so I didn't do the things that her dad did. And I'm only throwing out a few scenarios here, but over the following years, she actually began to create a false narrative about my love or my lack of love for her. She didn't feel loved, safe, cared for, or valued. So you have all of that feeling let down. I was a workaholic. I was always working at home when I technically didn't need to be working. I was on my phone, on my computer. I would take business calls during dinner time while I'm playing with my kids. I'd interrupt it and go off and take a business call. And. And Tiffany really felt like my work was my mistress. And so to kind of boil it all down, what led to the speed bump that you called it, Nick? That. I mean, over the years, Tiffany was emotionally away from me because it was 15 plus years of sarcasm and verbal abuse. Because sarcasm is a slippery slope. Once you get comfortable with that you just kind of push the boundary and suddenly you find yourself verbally abusing each other. I wasn't taking care of the husband duties around the house, if you will, work before family. And for 15 plus years this broke Tiffany and a friend of the family was attracted to my wife and he picked up on the issues that Tiffany was having with me because we would hang out with him and his wife all the time and he kind of started picking up on things and he would actually start doing things around our house behind my back and he then he would go to Tiffany and say, hey, you know, if I was your husband, I would do these things for you. I don't know why Rick doesn't do it. And so basically he's kind of throwing me underneath the bus in his pursuit of my wife. And he was basically scratching Tiffany where she emotionally itched. And so that led into an emotional connection with him and then it led into a three year long affair. But I have to say this real quick because I know I'm rambling. I was not a good husband a lot of the time. But that did not make it okay for Tiffany to act out in this way. And she would be the first to tell you that. So I'm not making excuses, I'm just being honest with how I contributed to the downfall of our marriage. And so that's kind of how it all happened, Nick, in a nutshell.

Yeah, well that's one of the things I really appreciate about your guys story. And just again to kind of allude to the book that we're going to talk about more later, the way that you guys are both able to process, here's what happened, here's the choices I made without blaming the other person. I mean, you do that well telling your story and Tiffany as well for her to share her choices and decisions but not saying, well, it's all because of Rick. And I think that's so refreshing in a day and age where blame is the standard, like if I can blame someone else for it, it really puts me in a happier place. And so your willingness to just own your story, own your part, is really incredible. And I think it's something our listeners really need to pay attention to and make note of.

Yeah.

Thank you.

So as you look back, like let's be honest, not the greatest time of your life, the affair comes out, things are just, I'm sure, just exploded. In those moments we get kind of, especially as men, we are fixers. Right. It's like, okay, now I just need to figure out a Way to make this all okay. So on your end and really just as you guys were working together as a couple, trying to figure all this out, what were some things that happened or choices that you made that weren't helpful? And if someone finds themselves in this situation, what kinds of things should they avoid?

Yeah, you know, it's kind of weird and kind of hard to explain, but if you happen to find yourself in my position, being the offendee, if you will, wanting to know everything does not serve you well. And I wanted to know everything, but it was weird. And why I say it's weird is because I didn't want to know. But then I felt I couldn't help it. I had to ask, and what about this? Or did you do that? Or, you know, and I would. And Dr. Ted and Diane, who, with pure desire, coached us, you know, into health, he had to coach me. And he would say, rick, Rick, time out. There are going to be things that you are going to want to know, but some of those things, they do not help the healing and recovery process. In fact, they actually cause more harm and will work against you so that, you know, to try to avoid, you know, certain things in your situation, try to only understand and know what you need to know. And Dr. Ted was great at being in my ear and saying, okay, these are the things that you do need to know. And he would kind of help me navigate that. You know, what was this a one time thing? Did this go on for our entire marriage? Was it just a couple years? Was it just one person? Was it emotional? Was it sexual? Was it both? I mean, those are kind of some things that are helpful to kind of get a grip on the state of what's going on. But when you start really getting into the personal stuff, that is morbid. Although you kind of want to know, but you don't want to know, that's when it starts to harm me. So having a good counselor in your ear, coaching you what to ask and what to stay away from, that's huge.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I just feel like it's. Especially in this realm, it's really, really hard to know what to do. And not. Because the church isn't, isn't in a position where they want to help. More often than not, the church just doesn't have the resources available or the education or the background in order to help. And so, and again, again, in the Christian culture, like, counseling is like a buzzword, right? It's like something you try to avoid. And so I just love that you're you're pushing really people trying to find a professional that can help them process through this.

Because.

Because if you didn't have Ted back then, you would have asked all those questions and you would have been more hurt in the long run if you knew all that stuff. And so I think that what you're saying is so key, is having someone, even a professional, be able to help you maneuver through the situation.

Absolutely. And on that note, Trevor, I was doing a Hope for Men kind of support group through Pure Desire. And I had a good buddy of mine, well, he became a good buddy through the support group. I didn't know him before. He lives on the east coast and he went to his pastor when he found out about his wife and his pastor didn't know what to do. He said, Ricky just kind of like looked at me and was empathetic. But you're right, I mean, pastors, I'm a pastor, you know, we have very limited knowledge. Going to a seasoned professional who's dedicated their life around getting people to health, to me, it's a non negotiable. You got to do it.

So, Rick, as all this came to light and you guys have to begin dealing with it, what are some of the early obstacles or roadblocks that you guys had to face as you began to pursue healing and the restoration of your relationship?

Triggers, Triggers, triggers, triggers, man. Whenever a trigger was pulled in the beginning, it was like an elephant gun going off. I would get triggers from watching TV commercials. Never thought that would happen. I mean, and I would actually. And Tiffany could attest to this. I would yell at the TV and basically a commercial would come on and it would have some sort of sexual innuendo or immorality or somebody's flirting with somebody they shouldn't be. And instantly my stomach is churning. And I would go, don't do it, don't do it. Don't. Stop, stop. And Tiffany's like, what? And I'm like, I can't watch this. And I would have to get up. And so I would get triggers watching tv. I'd get triggers thinking about the pain that my kids were going through as they were processing healing and restoration with their own mother. I was mad. I'd get a trigger. When I would think about how some other man experienced something with my wife that no other man should. And so triggers were huge for me. And they were, they were huge for Tiffany. Because I remember one time, Dr. Ted and Diane multiple times would tell Tiffany, you got to be patient with Rick. He's changing. He's not the old Rick. He's making great strides to be the new Rick. So just because Rick does something that smells or resembles old patterns, behaviors, thinking, that doesn't mean he's going there. So just, you know, and they gave us some tools on how to deal with some triggers. So we were able to kind of take some deep breaths and extend grace and patience and to one another as we worked toward healing.

So, yeah, that's good. So, I mean, it sounds like Ted and Diane played a pretty pivotal role in you guys story. And kind of as you. As you guys were maneuvering through this and figuring it out, when did it finally click and make sense and things start to line up with why things were the way that they were, that how this situation kind of came to a head.

Yeah, I remember this was shocking. I remember going into counseling thinking, great, we're gonna do counseling. We're gonna get Tiffany fixed. This is gonna work. I literally was excited about this because now it was like, game on. All right, you're the one that sinned. Let's deal with this. So prior to coming to Pure Desire, we. We had to take a few assessments. And I remember getting into the office there in Gresham, Oregon, and sitting down with Dr. Ted and Diane, and Dr. Ted looked at me and said, none in these exact words. But this was kind of the gist of it. Son, you have no clue about your marriage and your wife based on these assessments. You are on completely two different playing fields, two different pages. You're not even in the same universe. And I didn't think. I thought, well, wait, I think I know my marriage. And he's like, no, you don't. And they began to walk us through. So I began to have epiphany after epiphany of the true state of our marriage. And I remember after that, right before we took the six hour drive back up to Bellingham, Washington, we stopped at a fast food restaurant. And I get out of the car and I see this vehicle that was probably one of the ugliest vehicles I had ever seen. I mean, it was tattered. I mean, the outside it looked like it was rusted. The paint was faded, the tires were bald. The window was cracked. It just was dirty. And I felt like the Lord said to me, and it was a real quick thing. God has an amazing ability to, within a millisecond, give you a whole word picture. And he said, rick, that's the state of your marriage. But the problem is you're on the inside thinking you're driving a Nice, pristine Cadillac.

That's good.

And I'm like, whoa. So I had all these aha moments through the counseling process. And it started with that first one of coming to grips with our marriage is in shambles. And then as we went through the counseling, Dr. Ted and Diane were great at helping us connect the dots from past trauma to present irritations. And, you know, he would often say, rick, okay, don't you see it? You're not mad at Tiffany. You're mad at your dad, and he's not even here. Like, I was reacting to an unresolved child issue, but taking it out on Tiffany. And so those were aha moments. And so I. Moving forward, I had to really be on guard for this type of dynamic working in me so that I wasn't taking things out on Tiff. And so I can go on forever on aha moments and when things clicked. But that's kind of the way I'm answering that. So.

Yeah, and that's such a vital insight because when something like an affair is exposed or someone's pornography use or, you know, other things related to sexual brokenness, we can tend to get focused on the event. You know, let's call it that. Why did this happen and why would you do that and why what happened? As opposed to looking at all the things that led to the event and what's going on behind the scenes. And that's essentially. It sounds like what you guys were invited into is not just focus on the affair, but really discover the environment of your marriage that led to the affair. And. And so often we find that that's really where healing is at. It's not just healing from the event. It's about healing the patterns that have been developed in our lives or in our marriage. And so, you know, Rick, as you look back, what would you say are. What were some of the key elements for you guys in finding freedom from this brokenness and moving towards restoration through.

Counseling and walking through the whole experience of being redeemed with Tiffany, I've learned that there have been many elements that would foster healing, freedom, intimacy in a relationship which could help with sexual brokenness on multiple levels. I want to italicize the words in addition to. So because I want to say, in addition to great counseling, the implementation of many resources that have great content to help create healing, freedom, intimacy and. And get you. I was going to say fixed, but healed from sexual brokenness. Those are very important. I think you have to have those. But I'd like to answer this question, Nick, from more of a Foundational perspective, if you will. I believe couples have a greater chance at long lasting intimacy that does provide freedom from sexual brokenness when the individuals work on their vertical intimacy with God. So in other words, healthy spiritual intimacy with the Lord drives healthy marital intimacy. So if our spiritual intimacy with God is on point, we're doing well spiritually with the Lord. It sets us up from. Or excuse me, it sets us up for creating and maintaining a healthy physical, emotional, sexual and spiritual intimacy with our spouse. So if a husband and a wife are vertically intimate with Jesus as individuals, as well as a couple together, they have a spiritual life together. It will drive horizontal intimacy between them, which will allow them to connect at a deeper level. It will allow them to bless each other with the love of God and less bitterness and just nastiness. It opens the door for healthy communication and it powers the marriage. It draws out more love for one another. So I would say our spiritual intimacy with the Lord is paramount and it sets the individual and the couple up for freedom in many areas, one of which would be freedom from sexual bondage. But again, I want to go back to it also, in addition to the great counseling implementation of resources, you know, it's all of that.

Yeah. Such a good reminder.

So for some of our listeners who maybe are like, okay, I'm ready, like, let's. I want to do some of those things. Give me like two things that have helped you with vertical intimacy with the Lord that then you've seen play out in the horizontal with your wife.

Oh, yeah, buddy. You said two, right, Trevor?

Just only two, Rick. That's all I needed.

Okay. All right. You're talking to a pastor, so I'll obey.

Pastors always have three. Trevor.

Yeah. This isn't a Baptist sermon, okay. This is a podcast. We're on a time crunch. K. Just two, Rick.

I know truly understanding my position and calling that is mandated by Jesus as the husband to love Tiffany as he loved the church. Once I realized, A, I wasn't doing that, and B, that it actually takes a strong man to do that. My approach to my wife, and I'm not always perfect and Tiffany will say, amen to that, but I'm working on it. But I will often think, whenever I start to feel like, gosh, I don't want to do that, I immediately think, did Jesus ever say that when he was serving the church? And I mean, just. Just last week with all the snow, I had something plugged in the garage that was thawing something out and I was going to leave it overnight. I know it's not wise, but I really needed it to be thought out for the next day. And Tiffany kept saying, it makes me nervous. It makes me nervous. I said, honey, it'll be fine. It'll be fine. And then I thought, you know what? If this is a big deal to Tiffany, why don't you make it a big deal for you? I went downstairs, unplugged it because I'm serving my wife. And so having that understanding is really tweaked my thinking and my approach and how I respond to Tiffany. And the second thing. So that's only one. Here's the second thing. Getting to know and understand Tiffany. Becoming more familiar with her wiring of how she processes love, affection, and value. I neglected to get to know her in that way. I didn't know how she processed that sort of thing. So now that I know through the counseling what we've learned, I'm able to meet those needs head on.

That's great. Okay, cool. So you did it. Only two. Nice work. I know you need to give pastors affirmation when they do that. And for any listener out there who thinks I'm just making fun of pastors, I was one too. Okay? I'm actually licensed right now, so get off my back. So now that kind of. That. That was the individual side. So now kind of with your marriage especially kind of reeling from what you guys experience, what were some strategies that you and Tiffany, like, found to really just help your marriage grow in a healthy way? Like, yeah, maybe it helped you guys on a personal level, but as far as solidifying your marriage, what were some things you guys found that helped?

These would be the tools that we learned from pure desire. They were very literally practical, tangible tools that they had equipped us with. And so the tools are just as. They're only as good as if you use them. So we had to learn from scratch how to communicate. So there's an actual tool through. We call it the Gottman. So through those tools, we learned how to communicate more effectively. And if we're on a disagreement or on two different pages, you know, she said it the other day, I need to do the Gottman with you. I think we're on two different pages, so we do the Gottman. So as a couple, it's improved our communication. We learned about the faster scale and recognizing when we start to slip emotionally, how to stop it before going limbic. And understanding our limbic system as a couple helped us understand each other. Like, oh, Rick's going limbic right now. So Tiffany knew where that was coming from. So therefore, she would give me some space or some grace. So really, these tools that are very tangible that we implement in our life today has really kept us safe.

Yeah, it's cool.

Well, I know a lot of those tools, just to mention another resource, are in the connected workbook for couples. That's a great place for those who are listening that want to find some of those tools. Our counseling team condensed them into that workbook so that anyone could go through them. So, Rick, this whole topic of an affair in the marriage and having it exposed and everything you walk through, it's very Processing, private. It's personal. It can feel perhaps embarrassing for others to know. And yet you guys have written a book and are obviously telling your story. So how did you find the courage to write the book and share your story with others?

I'll be honest. When everything came out, I literally thought to myself, we knew that we wanted to reconcile fairly quickly. Within a few days. It helped that Tiffany was very repentive, very, very sorry. Owning it and through some words that she had spoken, I just, in the holy spirit, really felt like we needed to move forward. But I had this thought. I want to be healed of all of this, but I don't ever want to talk about it again. I'm going to put it behind me. People don't need to know our story. Some people will know because they're in our life. But five years, 10 years, 20 years from now, it's kind of forgotten. But then through counseling, I learned that my thinking was more based out of shame, is based out of ego and caring too much about what other people thought. And then I also realized that adultery, unfortunately, in sexual addiction, is so common, and it's sad, but it's so common that I don't know what the percentage is, but I would probably say it's fairly high, that most people have either directly or indirectly have been, have dealt with or been affected by adultery or some sort of sexual sin. The thing is that the majority of the people, they just don't want to talk about it, but it is present. So we decided to not let it define us, but use our mess as our message. And we just want to help others because we know it's not unique. And so we thought, let's just do it.

Yeah, it's, I think, a repeated theme around pure desire that so many people feel. What you explained there, that no one needs to know. I just want to get healthy, but no one needs to know. And yet we find it's through our vulnerability and through revealing our brokenness that we have our greatest influence and our ability to help others. It's not through our expertise or our professionalism of all we've mastered this. Let us tell you how. But really, that humility to say, this is what was broken, this is where God met us, and this is what we've learned. And if it helps, helps you, then we're happy about that. And I think the attitude you guys have towards it is gonna help many, many people. So thanks for approaching it that way.

Yeah, absolutely.

Okay, man. So now that we have kind of walked through your story and walked through, obviously your healing is never done. Right. It's always a continual motion forward. But some restoration has definitely happened. So how have your relationships. So with Tiffany, what's your relationship like now? And then even parents, I mean, your kids going through that, there's no way they walked out unscathed from that. So what. In what ways have those relationships with your wife, with your kids, how have they changed?

Yeah, no, great, great question. Well, finally we have the marriage we've always wanted. Not too long ago, Tiffany was in the bathroom getting ready for bed or something, and she came out crying. And I looked at her and I'm like, you okay? What's going on? I thought maybe she got a text or something, and she said, because we're almost empty nesters, our youngest is 17. And she says through her tears, we're close to being empty nesters. And I'm realizing. And then she says this. I actually like you. And I'm like, wait, wait, are you kidding me? And she goes, no. She said, rick, you don't understand. I dreaded being married to you without the kids at home. And so I'm just reflecting on how far we've come now. We still make mistakes, you know, and we even went back to Dr. Ted and Diane after our consistent counseling to get a little tune up here and there.

Yeah.

And I've gotten counseling personally since then, and Tiffany's gotten personal counseling, so it's still very much a part of our life. But we are glad to report that we love each other. And it's been by the grace of God that he is truly and authentically healed. Our relationship, the triggers are so far and few between. I can't even tell you the last time I had one. And same for Tiffany, for our kids, they're doing well. You're right. They did not make it through this unharmed. They had to work through their pain to forgive their mom. And not a lot of time, but sometimes that residual pain Even today, because there are a few years, two or three years behind us in the healing process. Sometimes the residual pain will surface, but they have been really good at talking about it with us because we made it a priority to be open in the beginning. And when they come to us, it allows us to speak healing to their pain. So things are definitely a lot better.

Well, Rick, we've been alluding to the book Mended quite a bit throughout the episode, but take a few minutes and just tell our listeners about the book, what they'll experience, why they should read it, why you. I mean, just kind of whatever you'd like to share about the book and what people will find if they get a copy of it.

Yeah, Mended, One Couple's Journey from Betrayal to Imperfect Beauty is really our testimonial, our personal account. It starts off with both of our childhoods and continuing through when Tiffany and I met. And then we get married, and we talk about that fun little dynamic of getting to know each other under the same roof. But then it really goes into exposing our inability to get on the same page, which actually played a part in the betrayal that took place. We wanted to be very transparent with our struggles, our failures, and the betrayal that came really close to destroying us, our story. And this was intentional. It was intentionally written in a conversational manner because we wanted the reader to feel like they were literally sitting in a living room with us, listening to Tiffany. And I take turns in sharing our story in the succinct order in which it was lived out. And so it really has proven to be a very easy read. I mean, some people are reading it within three to four hours. It's quick, but there's a lot of meat and content to it at the same time. And here's the thing. I just. This is very sentimental to me. What has proven to be probably one of the most powerful chapters was the chapter written by our kids. Now this, all the Affair and Everything happened. It came out December 26, 2013. So we're talking a little over five years ago. The kids are older now, but Caleb was 19 at the time. Josh was 17, Jared 14. Faith was 11. And a year ago, when we were writing this, I asked him, would you be willing to write about your pain? Each one of you take a turn, write, like, a thousand words or so of your pain and struggle to. And how you coped with finding out about what mom did and how you processed and how you came to forgiveness and what effect, you know, what were some of the things that you were wrestling with in that season and it turned out beautifully. I don't know that there's another book that has that element, you know, in it where you truly get to hear the heart and the mind of a child. And then lastly, each chapter, it has questions at the end of each chapter. So it causes the reader to reflect on what they just read. And some people are actually using it in their home group at church. I got a text the other day that a book club's going to be starting just simply because of the question.

Nice.

Yeah, that's kind of that. Hopefully that answers that question for you.

No, definitely. We will have the link to it in the show notes and feel free to check it out on our website. We'll tell you a little bit more about that here at the end. But go ahead, Nick.

And I just wanted to say too, I mentioned I read the book and I've told a number of people that the chapter written by your kids, Rick, is worth the price of the book. And then I'm quick to say, and the rest of the book's really good too, but you're right, that chapter just it kind of particularly because it's towards the end, it is a culmination of everything you guys have been saying. And when you see it the way it's been lived out in your kids lives, it's just like, wow, it's powerful stuff. And so I'll say that to our listeners too, that chapter is worth the book. If you don't have it yet, pick it up. And I know you'll be really blessed by the rest of Rick and Tiffany's story as well.

Yeah, absolutely. Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, so let's just end it this way, Rick. We end every episode this way. Really just giving our guests the opportunity to share from their heart just an encouragement to anyone out there. So this could be maybe someone who is reeling from an affair, has brokenness going on in their relationship or is really just looking for ways to make their marriage more healthy. So what encouragement would you give to anybody out there?

Yeah, I would say this, especially if you're going through an affair, you're in the darkest time of your life. It's heavy. Sometimes you just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it almost feels like what you're going through is bigger than God, even though you know it's not. But I would say if both of you have a willing heart to offer to the Lord to reconcile, which means you're willing to do the tough work, you're willing to mine your own heart, even dig into your past a little bit to learn more, more about you and seek out the care of great Christian biblical counseling, like pure desire. And I am biased towards you guys because you were amazing. I would say redemption is very much a reality for you. If you do this and you stick with it, it may be painful at times, but your marriage will profit from it. And if you're not going through an affair and you're just going through a tough time, I would say get counseling. You need that third voice. You need that third person to come in. And preferably good Christian biblical counseling that can speak into your situation in a very unbiased way and actually equip you for some tools to just kind of give you the adjustment that you need to get on the right page.

That's great stuff. So really, to anybody out there who's in the midst of recovery from either sexual addiction or the effects of it, there's hope. Healing's possible. And as you've heard through the story really of Rick and Tiffany, it's not going to be easy, it's not going to be fun, but you're never going to regret your efforts to find healing and freedom from sexual addiction. If you want to begin your healing journey, you can Visit our website, PureDesire.org and reach out. And if you're interested in Rick and Tiffany's book, we suggest you go to www.puredesire.org mended and Rick, where can our listeners go to follow you and Tiffany?

Yeah, no thanks. I would say you can go to our website, mendedbook.com you can read a little bit more of the testimonials of how the. The books affecting people. We're on Instagram. You can find us at get mended. Now. I reached out to the gentleman who has mended. He hasn't gotten back to me yet.

Hopefully he'll hear this podcast.

But we're also on Facebook under my recommended. So Google us, you'll find it.

Yeah, and we'll make sure that stuff's on the show notes as well. So whether you're you join a group or begin the counseling process, don't wait any longer to find healing and freedom. It definitely is possible. And Rick, thanks man, so much for being willing to share your story, being open and honest, owning it and not just that, but sharing it with other people in this book and even on this podcast and in that, you're really being an example for so many people. So thanks, brother. We really appreciate it.

Thank you for the time appreciate it.

And thank you for listening to the Pure Desire Podcast. If you like what you're hearing and want to keep up with the podcast, please subscribe. You can also rate and review our podcast and let us know how we're doing. For more information, check out our website, PureDesire.org and you can follow us on social mediauredesirepdmi. Once again, that's earedesirepdmi. We'll see you next time. Thanks for listening to the Pure Desire Podcast. For more information, check out our website, www.puredesire.org. check in each week for new content on the podcast and we pray that it will help you find hope and freedom on your journey to purity.