092 - Escape Plan

Welcome to the Pure Desire podcast where we partner with you to bring hope and freedom on your journey to purity.

Have you ever wondered why relationships are so hard? Why you've never had the relationship you've always dreamed about? Whether we know it or not, our negative sexual experiences and mistakes are holding us hostage and keeping us stuck in unhealthy relationship patterns. Enter Unraveled, Pure Desire's newest women's resource. Through personal stories, strategic tools, weekly self care lessons, and so much more, Unraveled will become your guide to managing love, sex and relationships. Visit PureDesire.org unravel to pre order and start to see how God wants to transform your relationships and redeem your story.

Hey there. I'm your host, Trevor Windsor. And we're so thankful you're taking time out of your day to hang out with us. I'm here with my co host as always, Nick Stumbo.

Zippity doo dah Zippity ay my oh my, what a wonderful day.

Oh man.

You should just be thankful I didn't choose my other Disneyland theme song.

Disneyland?

It's a Small World.

Okay, you. Thank you. I'm very appreciative that we didn't use that one.

Do you know what ride that's the theme song from though? Zippity doo dah.

I don't think I do.

Splash Mountain and the briar Rabbit.

You know what's funny is that ruins.

Splash mound, especially when you're on it like the fourth time.

Oh my gosh.

Just plays on a loop.

I don't like that. Well, we're gonna move on. Okay. Are you okay with that? Okay, Cool with us today is our friend Robert, AKA Bobby, AKA Bob, AKA Roberto Vandermeer. We'll just call him Bob today. Bob is one of our clinicians. He's a pastor, a business owner and a member of our speaking team that travels around the country. We're excited to have you with us in the flesh, Bob.

Welcome.

Hey, thank you. I'm just trying to work past the song of the south over there.

It's good to see you, Bob. Yeah.

Okay. I just. Some of them start with the train wreck, but we're just gonna keep going. Alright. So today I'm not talking about you. Bob's looking at me like I said something.

I'm not a train. Well, I mean, sometimes.

What are you saying about my intro, Trevor?

Today we are talking through one of our recovery tools and it is called the escape plan. We'll talk through what the tool is, how to use it, how it Helps on the journey to recovery from sexual addiction. So, Bob, let's just jump in right away. Let's start with what is the escape plan?

It is a plan to help you escape, quite literally.

I just am thinking escape to which mountain right now is what I'm thinking.

Yeah, we're stuck on Disney.

Yeah. Young Dwayne the Rock Johnson.

Yeah, well, you know, he's forever young. In our hearts. The escape plan is a resource. It's a tool that we have that not only is it available on our website, but we use it specifically within our addiction recovery group. So the, the seven pillars or the eight pillars. And it's helpful in helping recovering addicts prepare for what is the inevitable. And that inevitable is them being faced with the challenges of purity and sobriety.

Yeah. Because the way I've viewed it or seen it is really is a plan for when something bad happens. I think a lot of us, we tend to just think, I'll get to the moment and be able to make those decisions and be clear thinking, clear minded and be able to move forward. But the escape plan is actually doing the work beforehand so that I'm prepared for those moments when they do come. Because they are going to come. Those moments are going to happen where I'm triggered or something bad happens in life.

Yeah, I like it. It reminds us that purity is not about perfection. That purity is about having a plan. And life is going to put us in a place where we're really challenged to maintain our purity. Whether it's because of choices we've made, kind of to fall into an old pattern, or sometimes just the world around us. Suddenly we might be exposed to something we were not anticipating. And there are some crucial decisions. And I think for me, in the past, the goal was just, well, I'll try harder not to respond to it next time. And as we all know, that's not much of a plan. So the escape plan is really a way to lay out. Here's some concrete, specific steps we can be ready for when we're in a moment of real temptation to return to those old behaviors.

Yeah, I think about when I was a kid. When I was a kid and in elementary school and we used to do like the shelter in place drills. And this is back in Las Vegas. And there's no natural disasters in Las Vegas.

It's too hot.

Preparing for earthquakes. Yeah. Preparing for the swamp cooler to stop working. I mean, and so for as kids, it was always kind of a joke because it's like there's. We don't expect any of these natural disasters to be happening to us. And so the escape plan, so to speak, for those drills was something that we never really paid much attention to, even though we always had to do them at school.

Right.

But the reality for the recovering addict is, is that this is a drill that they need to know. Because those natural disasters in that sense will happen for them in their recovery. They will be tempted. They will find themselves in an environment that they weren't expecting or prepared for or the nuances of life as it's dynamic. They'll find themselves in a spot that they need to have that escape plan already in their mind and already rehearsed.

Yeah, that's good.

So, Bob, in the escape plan that pure desire often uses, there's three vital elements that are needed in order for it to be effective. The first one that we want to talk about is this A clear understanding of the alarms in your life. Will you talk us through this first piece? What does that mean, to have a clear understanding of the alarms in your life?

Yeah, those alarms come from a couple different places. Some of them are what we're feeling. So like actually what's going on in our heart as we're going through the day and we begin to notice those, some of those alarms are finding ourselves in a location. So let's just say at home alone or in the office late at night or, you know, things like that. And so the alarms are really a combination of things that we know in the past are, you know, danger. Danger that we need to just keep an eye out for. And so really they're thoughts, feelings, actions, locations, or scenarios that have been problematic for somebody in the past.

Yeah. And you can't do this without self awareness, without paying attention. This last week, my commitment to change was to keep a limbic journal. So like, what triggers me? What? And I remember my group looking at me like, are you sure you want to do that this week? And I'm like, yeah, I do. But what I found, and this is just interesting, you're getting, I guess, a front row seat in my recovery when people cut me off on the road. That is one of the things, honestly. I have six of them right now in my journal from this last week. And there are eight times that I've gone limbic and six of them are when I'm in the car. And so I'm learning there's an alarm there, that there's something going on emotionally that I gotta, I gotta, number one, identify, which I think I have. But now I have to process through what's really going on. Why is that happening? And then be aware that that can affect the rest of my day if I continue to carry. So that's when I think of alarm. That's just a practical thing I've found over the last week.

Yeah, you guys can't tell, but Trevor's face actually got red when he was talking about it.

Yep.

He's gonna be picturing him.

Well, and I think, like any alarm, you know, if you think about them in, like, an airplane or in a vehicle, there are points at which if your fuel, let's say, goes below a certain point, it triggers the alarm. If the oil pressure goes above a certain point, someone in a thoughtful kind of wisdom sort of place made a decision about what that threshold would be to trigger the alarm. And I think in our lives, we have to do the same thing, is to say, what are those places or thoughts or patterns that they need to trigger an alarm in my life? So we encourage people maybe to look back at, like, the last six months or year, however far back they need to go, when they could identify. Here are some places I crossed lines or I made decisions that I regret. What were the commonalities there? What were things that they could start to say when I feel this, like, when I start to feel the temptation just to isolate online by doing fantasy sports or whatever, maybe isolating on Facebook for someone that might be, oh, that's my threshold. That's an alarm that says I'm probably not in a healthy place. And so just to think through what are those places, I can say, here's a threshold that when I feel this or when I think this, there needs to be a little alarm that goes off that would say, oh, I need to take some steps and implement my escape plan.

Yeah, I think a good. A good place to find some of those is from the three Circles exercise. So in the middle circle, you're gonna find things that we use the phrase tripwires or guardrails or. But really they're alarms for us to say, okay, like, I'm, you know, at the mall by myself, or I'm, you know, whatever those things that you put into that middle circle, if you haven't done that exercise, recommend you go and do that exercise. Yeah, it's in the Seven Pillars book.

Yeah.

But to be able to find the things that you know already that are not morally right or wrong, but that kind of begin the cascade of moving towards relapse, and then also to go back and look at your crash site analysis, if you had any relapses or acting out to go back and look at those and see what the scenarios were, because there's probably a pattern in those.

So the first one, then understanding of what the alarms are, and then we'll move to the second element, which is facing the reality of your addiction. Can you talk us through what that means, facing that reality?

Yeah. So there's a couple tools that. That. That either you have done or will or will do if you're working through the recovery material that we have. And one of them is a matrix of addiction. The other is the arousal template. And those ones just help people to really come to a clear idea or, I guess, face the reality of what their addiction or behavior has been. And. And the reason that it may be important to go back and look at those is because we. We don't want to have. We don't want to minimize any of the situations or scenarios that we might find ourselves in. And just to say, well, everybody's home alone sometimes. Well, sure, everybody's home alone sometimes, but not everybody's a sex addict that acts out every time they're home alone. And so to have a realistic perspective of what your. Your particular scenarios are that, you know, are challenging or lead to relapse or have been a part of relapse.

Yeah, I think it's good to get specific, to see those things. Like you're saying, Bob, that if it could be when I feel rejected, my go to has been to relapse. And seeing that pattern when I'm on a hotel or on a trip alone or in a hotel room alone, I've relapsed. When I take a road trip, I've relapsed. When it's the holidays, I've relapsed. And if we see that matrix of addiction and the steps we're taking, that's where we can implement the escape plan. Because we know if I don't get off of this pattern, that a few steps down the road is relapse. And so it's saying, instead, here are different choices I can make to redirect that pattern before it gets out of control. And really, the further up on that pattern we can set our escape plan into motion, the more successful we'll be. Because the further we get into our tempting situations or into those old patterns, the more that limbic brain is starting to take over and say, well, we know where to go with this. And then we're trying to corral something that's really starting to get away from us.

And, I mean, you need to Take this into consideration, too. It takes a lot of courage to be honest. Honest about your addiction. It takes a lot of courage to. Because I think that, you know, if you're talking about going up the line, if you will, a little bit further, maybe it is being home alone. Maybe that is. Macaulay Culkin just came to mind. Maybe, you know, being home alone, one of the things that you may have to do is make plans for the moments that you know you're gonna be home alone. And you'd think you compare yourself to other people, like, well, everyone else obviously can do that, like you said, Bob. But I think that one of the things that you really need to understand is it's gonna take courage, and it's gonna be really difficult to be honest about your addiction and be honest about the things you struggle with, because unless you're willing to be honest, no movement's ever gonna happen. And I know for me, that was something that really tripped me up, is I kept minimizing and moralizing my way out of it, when in reality, that wasn't the courageous thing. The courageous thing was to step forward and say, look, I'm an addict. I struggle with this, and I need to do what's necessary to be healthy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Everybody's got a Joe Pesci knocking on the back door. That's right.

That's right.

We need to navigate those a lot.

Yeah, we love Joe.

And just a reminder that those exercises that we talked about, the matrix of addiction and the arousal template, that's not just the seven pillars, but you can also find the arousal template in the eight pillars as well.

Yeah. Men and women need this. This isn't just a plan for men. It's for anyone that finds they go back to places they don't want to go. So, Bob, the final element is to have concrete, specific steps that you must take to escape the downward spiral. So what does this look like?

Yeah, I think some of them are just the practical steps of, like, getting up and leaving the room or making plans ahead of time. So again, we'll just. For simply a simple one, the home alone thing. So I know that on this day, at this time every week, that I'm home alone, and that that is in the past that I've acted out or relapsed at that time. And so to plan ahead, an action step would be, don't be home alone. Invite a friend over, like, go out and do some gardening or mow the lawn. You know, go into the garage and do some work. Take the kids and Go do something. So just to a practical step of, like, I can just go do something at this moment, if you know that it's at work, you know, midday after a certain meeting where you feel rejected, then at that time, okay, I'm always going to make a phone call to somebody in my group at that time. So they can be practical things like that that are simple steps, but like prophetic promises or personal promises. That's always a great go to that even before you step out of the room or before you make a call to run through things like that. But just to look at, okay, what can I do? Can I leave the room? If not, what can I do in the room? Can I leave situation? If I can, great, what am I gonna go do?

Right?

And not just say, I'm gonna leave the house. Great. Well, you're gonna leave the house and go where? Because you leave the house and go to some other place that's triggering, obviously doesn't work.

I think being. Because one of the things I found success in is scheduling out my day. If I know I'm gonna be home alone, actually scheduling it out and including somebody, whether it's my wife or it's a group member saying, hey, my wife's gonna be gone with my kid at this point, from this time to that time. And here's my plan. I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do that. And even if you have to schedule in, you know, a nap time, that's great, like, go for it. But I think that one of the. I guess the ways that I have messed up in this is I just assume that I'll only get triggered if a random woman walks in front of me naked and then I want to act out sexually. It's like, no. It could be an array of things. It could be watching TV and seeing a commercial. It can be listening to a song and you know what I mean? Being really, really aware of those things. Because sexual addiction doesn't just walk in the door and say, hey, I'm here. It kind of just creeps up on you in a lot of ways. And so does acting out. So being really specific and understanding that you have to have a plan going into the day, because if you don't, then for me, when I was bored and when I'm lonely and I have no real direction for the day, that was a huge place. I always found myself relapsing and acting out. So being really specific and having a plan for the actual day is helpful. Yeah.

And I think to those adjectives of Being concrete and specific. You could also add that it should be written because when we're feeling temptation or we're feeling triggered, it's really easy to forget or to kind of fudge on an idea and be like, well, I'm not really sure what I was going to say. Just like with our guardrails in general, that if we don't write them down, commit to them, you know, share them with a group member or with our spouse, to say, here are the guardrails I'm following, we're much, much less likely to follow them because in our own minds, we start to rationalize or excuse why we're doing something differently. So just like with an escape plan, we need to have them in writing so that we can see for ourselves. No, here's what I've said I will do when I begin to feel triggered, when I hear those alarms going off. Because if you can't identify quickly what you've said, we tend to forget. The other thing that comes to mind is the brain has an amazing ability to forget pain. So shortly after a relapse, we're super committed to having an escape plan for next time. And here's how I'm going to do it differently. But we get a month or maybe even a week away from that relapse, and we feel like I'm doing better and things are going pretty well and I probably won't ever relapse again, and I don't really need those steps. So the things that were really, really clear right after a relapse can become really fuzzy unless we make them specific and write them down. So that's just a huge encouragement I'd make as people are putting together this escape plan.

Yeah. Yeah.

One other thought with it is, you know, we were talking about some of the scenarios that we can. That we can know are going to happen. So we know every day at this time, or, you know, every once a month at this time, we do this thing, we go to town or whatever. But really with the escape plan, we also want to be able to use this for things that we don't know are happening. Like most disasters, most time that you need an escape plan. And so the mental rehearsal of, hey, when I start to feel flooded, that this is what I do.

Yep.

And to have that written down, so. So it doesn't matter what the situation, what the scenario, or what the setting is, but if you start to feel flooded, then in your escape plan, then you know you're going to get up, leave the room, make a call.

Right.

And to actually mentally rehearse that because otherwise when that natural quote unquote disaster happens, we're going to be panicked and full of shame and tunnel vision and well, I can't admit that I'm feeling this way. Well, that's the whole purpose of this, is to mentally rehearse this ahead of time in our prayer and our meditation time, writing it down on paper, things like that.

Well, and Heather on staff, Heather Kolb says this, that your brain doesn't know the difference between mental rehearsal and what's actually happening. And so you're actually preparing yourself and your body is responding, your brain is responding as if you're in that situation. So mental rehearsal could be huge.

So one of the things that we know is crucial in recovery is we're better together that that in this whole arena, isolation, being alone, battling with no help is really a no win situation. And so because of that, Bob, who should be involved as we put together our escape plan? Who do we communicate it to? How do we involve others in this process?

Yeah, I mean, I think anybody that is in our group, so you know, whether it's the seven pillars or eight pillars, I mean whoever's in that group with us, these are people that, that should just know the plan. Reason being because they might be able to identify some of these things that should be setting off an alarm for us. And maybe we haven't noticed the alarm yet or heard the alarm yet. So those people for sure. And then I think if you've been working in recovery for a little while with your spouse and you've at least made it past say a formal disclosure, then I think that this escape plan would be a great thing to incorporate into your health with them. Because now hopefully you're working together towards health as opposed to just trying to hang on for dear life to get through a disclosure or something like that. Because then again you can, you can begin to help each other in a, in a helpful way as opposed to like hey idiot, didn't you notice this right kind of way.

Yeah.

And so I think that those would be, would be really helpful if you've given out like cards to anybody in your group to let them know about your faster scale and things to look out for, then those might be helpful people as well.

Yeah, yeah. I think too if, if you work in a, you know, a church or a ministry or place where your co workers are people who supportive of this journey just because we spend so much time at work, I think it's good if you can involve people or if you Travel a lot for business and someone you travel with knows what are the kind of scenarios or situations that you are actively trying to avoid and why? Because otherwise it can. It can become kind of awkward at times. You know, one of the, I think biggest things that is a part of most people's escape plan is some form of fleeing a situation that if something is triggering, going to a different room, going, you know, going somewhere else. And if you haven't communicated to people why you might need to leave a room, like, where are they going? What's going on here? So if you're able to clue people in that you're around regularly, it just can be helpful so that they know to be supportive and not questioning, you know, what's going on in that moment.

Yeah. So what are major pitfalls then? So when men and women are filling out this escape plan, they're putting something actually down on paper, putting a plan in place. What are the major pitfalls that you've seen, Bob, with people, with people doing this, this plan and preparing for it?

Yeah, I think some of it is not being precise. So with the action steps, not having something that, you know, is actually a precise plan that they're going to work through. So not having that written out, not having talked through it with people, I think the other one is having something that isn't specific to them. So not actually thinking through this and saying what's going to help me? So sometimes they'll do something that somebody else did because it's just easier to do that, but to say, all right, what is my life like in reality and how can I respond to this? And so I think one of the ways that it can be helpful is to throw back the natural disasters, but to think through, like, okay, what type of scenario is this? Is this like a tsunami scenario for me where I just need to find higher ground? And so what is higher ground? So it's like, okay, maybe that's actually like going and putting on some worship or like going and finding a group of people that I can run through my prophetic promises with. Or is this like a tornado and I need to find the shelter? And so in that it's like, okay, I need to maybe step aside, get to someplace that's quiet and with some other people that I feel safe because maybe I'm feeling super, like hyper vigilant or something. And being around a bunch of people right now is really scary to me. So I need to get someplace that's safe and small and that's fine. Just think through. But again, Think through what is specific to you and what's gonna be helpful for you. Don't use somebody else's plan.

I think one of the things for me has been, and this is just something I would say for really a lot of the tools that we have is don't include people too early in the sense where they're the ones doing it for you. I think that you need to be, because you know what's going on, especially if you've started any self awareness and really pushing into it, because you honestly may have some people fooled that you're really not that way and they maybe aren't as drastic or severe. I know for me, I've got some guys in my group right now who are doing a recovery action plan. They're putting those together. And for me, I'm trying to take that backseat a little bit and wait until they invite me in and ask questions because I don't want to write it for them. They know the depth of their addiction way better than I do. Even though they've shared, even though I know what's going on, their full disclosure and all, they still know more what's going on under the surface. And so I think that involving people too soon can be detrimental. I'm not saying that you have to wait like a week or three weeks. It's just make sure that you start it, you ride it out, and then start to include some people and they will help you see those. Maybe those spots that it's too weak and you really need to work on the foundation in different areas.

Yeah. And what comes to mind for me as a pitfall is having a plan that is too complex or too many steps involved. You know, you think about what we learned as kids. If you were to catch on fire, the classic stop, drop and roll. Three words like you could do it immediately and they didn't teach us. Well, first determine if you're wearing cotton or rayon. And if it's cotton, do these three things. And if the fire is only burning this hot, then you should. It's like no one would do that. You would forget. And I think the same kind of thing happens when people are making their escape plan is they might put on there things like go and meet with my counselor. Well, that's a great idea for health in general, but an escape plan needs to be right now. In this moment. I'm feeling triggered and I've got to have something I can do quickly and simply to get to a healthier place. Whereas a counselor usually involves making a phone call, setting an appointment, driving across town, having a free out, like. And in the moment of intense temptation, you'll just go, I can't do that. And now your escape plan becomes worthless, or it might be. Well, my escape plan is to go meditate on my favorite bench in the park. It's like, well, if you're not anywhere near that park, you're not going to do that either. So it really needs to be things that are almost like a stop, drop and roll. Like, make a call, quote a verse. Another one that I think is really helpful for a lot of men and women is anything to do with gratitude. So, like pulling out a picture of your kids, because usually that's in your wallet or on your phone and just remembering things in your life you're grateful for. So anything to do with gratitude can be a quick, simple thing to take your mind away from what you don't have and wish you could. You know, that's lust what I don't have. And instead looking at what I do have, that's gratitude. And so avoiding that pitfall of if it's too complex or too many steps in the heat of the moment, either you'll forget or you'll just decide it's too hard, you can't do it. So look to keep them simple, basic, straightforward. And I think we'd be more successful.

Unless your counselor has like the bat signal or the bat phone. You probably, you know. So, I mean, I know. Yeah, you do, Bob, right?

You have the bat phone Bat.

So you're a counselor.

Yeah. Bob. Wayne.

That's great.

Well, that's a good point, that sometimes we are looking for someone to be the superhero that saves us. And we've got, you know, if. Again, back to the illustration of being on fire. You can't wait for someone to come save you if you're catching on fire. Like, you've got to take action, right? And that's really what we're talking about here.

The interesting thing about that, too, I found, and I know we want to get to the next question, but something I found too, is that when we set stuff up like that, and if we relapse, we can blame those people that if I called my counselor and he's not there, or if I somehow someone else let me down or wasn't there when I needed them, then we start to blame our relapse, our lack of sobriety on them.

You weren't there to pray for me.

Right. And that's not on them, that's on you. Like, you have to put stuff in Place that you can do right away. And yeah, you want to include other people, but their responsibility is not to make sure you stay sober. Their responsibility is to call you back if they miss your call.

Yeah, yeah. And for all of the spouses of addicts, group leader, facilitators, all that out there, like, I hope you heard what Trevor just said. Also to be encouraged that when people in your life are relapsing, it's not your fault. Ultimately, their sobriety and health is theirs. We can play a healthy role in that.

Totally.

But we can't make somebody sober.

Yeah. And that may be a good reminder of what a role is for us if we're the spouse or an accountability partner. When someone's confessed or relapsed or gotten honest. To say, do you have an escape plan in place and what is it? And maybe you find they don't have one or they've forgotten it or the one they have is unrealistic. And how could you encourage them or work with them to develop one that they could execute better next time? So, Bob, to think about it that way, what are some suggestions you would give listeners for putting together a successful and effective escape plan? Where would. Where would you encourage them to start? What would make it really good?

Yeah, I think some of the steps leading up to this we mentioned, like the three circles exercise, that's really important to see. Okay. To have a bottom line, what is acting out for me, but then also have a middle circle to understand what are things that could be alarms. If you've never thought through that, you need to think through that because that's an important part of this. If you haven't taken a realistic look at what your behavior has been historically, what your addiction includes, then it's important that you sit down and go through that, because you're not going to have an idea about what you're escaping from and how this whole thing plays out. So there's a little bit of work ahead of time that needs to happen to be able to really put together a good escape plan. But I think ultimately it's just to say, let's. Let's just have a realistic look at your life, about the challenges that you have, and incorporate other people into that. Allow other people to know the areas that you're struggling with. The times, the scenarios, the situations, the feelings. And the more that you're doing that, the more you're going to be able to know what it is that you're escaping from and the effective ways to do that. Another kind of a practical Point besides that, Nick, you had mentioned, like having a picture of your kids. Pull that out. In the escape plan that we have online, we mentioned momentos of change. And in there it's like pictures of your family or medallion or coin or something that reminds you of some significant spots in your healing process. A letter or cards of encouragement that you've gotten from other people, some scriptures like we had mentioned, even a letter to yourself just saying, hey, this is what I want for me, this is my goal, this is what's important to me. And so those are some things that you can have just laying around in your car, in your wallet, on your phone, whatever.

And that letter to Self I think is really helpful when you're able to look ahead and know what are the situations that just tend to create that issue. So for a lot of people traveling or being home alone, that they just kind of think through, hey, when I get to my hotel room in that city, I'm going to pull out that letter to myself and I'm not going to wait till I'm triggered. I'm just going to remind my healthy self what it feels like to be the old self and that I don't want to go back there. And that can put you in a healthy mindset. A couple of suggestions I would have we've kind of already mentioned, but I would really encourage listeners to have four or five very simple basic steps that they have written down and hopefully written somewhere where they can keep it with them as much as possible. That it's, it's in a note on their phone or in a 3 by 5 card in their wallet or purse that it's quickly accessible. And there are things you're able to do right away. I think of what's been my most common escape plan through the nine years of recovery has been basically flee, get up and leave whatever room or situation I'm in. If possible, pray to just in some way connect with God, call, call someone from my group and just share where I'm at and then worship, whether that's gratitude or listening to worship song. And so if I have those four steps in mind, I'm much more likely to go for it rather than avoid it when I'm feeling tempted. And then as we've also alluded to, I think rehearsing that hopefully for me and others to get up from my desk to go for a little walk, to pray, to call one of my accountability partners, just for a weekly phone call is part of my routine. And so now that I'm used to doing it just as a practice, then when I really need it, it's not foreign. It's like, well, these are things I do for health anyway. Now I'm just doing them for a very specific reason. So any way you can actually practice these steps will make it much more likely that when you need them, you'll actually do it.

I think another thing, too, that I would just suggest is viewing this as a living document, not as something that's static once you finished it, once it's done. Just like really anything in recovery. The more. And this has just been my. You know, I'm in seven pillars now for the third time, and the onion keeps getting peeled further and further back. I'm starting to see more and more things that are underneath the surface. And in that, my escape plan, my recovery action plan, my three circles, they're all growing in my understanding because I think that what can happen is if it's just a one and done, if you do this one time, and then that's it for me with this. I think one of the things that I tend to feel shame if I know that the escape plan has worked for a certain season of my life. And then relapse happens. I'm like, hold on a second. Like, what happened? I thought I had a great plan in place, and then I start to feel more shame. And it's like, no, take that as an opportunity to learn, understand more about myself, and then make my escape plan different, Allow it to change, because as it changes, I'm gonna be changing. I mean, that's just the reality of it. So viewed as a living document, I think would be one of the things I'd say. So kind of in that same vein. I mean, just suggestions on how to do this better. What would just be. I mean, think about where people are at right now as they're listening to this episode. Maybe they're in on the front end of recovery. Maybe they've been in recovery for a while. Maybe they don't even realize recovery is possible. What kind of encouragement would you guys give to them?

You're doing this not because you're horrible or you're disgusting or you're a failure. You're doing this because you want to be healthy. And that's the whole reason that, like, in a building, there is a plan on the wall with the fire escape, like, how to get out of the building. Why there's tsunami, like, escape plans in cities that are on the coast. It's because we want to be alive and we want to be healthy, and we Want to enjoy our breakfast tomorrow. And so the reason that this is important is because we just want to ensure that the health, that your health, the health of your family is there. So don't approach this as something that, well, I have to do this because I'm going to fail. No, we want you to do this because we want you to be healthy and enjoy your breakfast tomorrow.

Yeah, and that's a great point, that using your escape plan is not a sign of failure, it's a sign of wisdom. What came to mind for me when you asked that question, Trevor? In the very early days of my ministry, I was leading worship at a church service actually on Easter morning, and the fire alarm went off. And I remember one of our elders came down the aisle and said, we need to evacuate now, and the room is packed. And I remember my initial thought was, it's a false alarm. This is stupid. Let's just wait it out, keep going. But, you know, he was an elder and he was being quite adamant. So we evacuated several hundred people, evacuated this room. And I remember looking back on that and thinking, what if it had been a fire? Like, how foolish would I have felt encouraging people to stay? And then imagine, I mean, the chaos that could have happened if there was a real crisis. Like, it was really wise that we did that. And yet my initial thought was, it's no big deal. And I think of that when it comes to this whole journey for sexual purity, there's a little voice in our head that's like, you don't need to do that. You can handle it yourself. It's no big deal. But when I look back at my life, what I realize is there has never been a time. I wish I would have waited longer to make a phone call. There's never been a time. I wish I would have waited longer to follow my escape plan. But there have been a lot of times I think, I wish I would have made that phone call when I first thought about it. I wish I'd have implemented my escape plan when I first felt something going on. But because I didn't, then I look back on things I regret or could have done better. And so that'd be really my encouragement, is to follow your escape plan even if it turns out it was a false alarm, even if it turns out it really wasn't that big of a deal, because you'll never regret that you took steps for health. But we will always regret when we ignore those things and end up somewhere again we didn't want to go. So ignore that little voice that says you can handle it, you're fine. Better just have it be a false alarm and get into the habit of using your escape plan and you'll be glad you did.

You guys are so smart. As you guys were answering the question. I'm just thinking of the episode of the Office where Dwight Schrute is basically forcing people to adhere to our escape plan. No, I just think that one of the things I think that we can tend to do is compare escape compared.

Us to Dwight, which is awesome.

Yeah, that was a decent segue farms as a professional transition. Okay. No, but I think one of the things for me is just not comparing to another person's escape plan. So if theirs is not as specific as mine or if they have things on there that maybe seem weird to me, to not feel shame and to not judge that person, but to just understand that recovery is recovery is recovery. What my recovery looks like is not always what other people's might look like. So just be aware of that and do whatever keeps you healthy. You have to care that much about your recovery and your health.

Yeah. Because it has to work for you. Right. And I think that's the ultimate litmus test, is to say, when I'm triggered, does this work? And if it doesn't, keep coming up with new ideas. Talk to your group, talk to your counselor, talk to friends that have gone down this road, because that's what you want. And if your plan is super simple, but it works, you nailed it. Or if your plan is really, really complex, but it works, great. And you're just so right on it. You don't need to compare to others. But ask, is it working for me?

Yeah. Bob, thanks for spending time with us today, helping us talk through this needed tool. Really, having an escape plan is key to creating sobriety in your survival kit. For this and for maintaining sobriety moving forward. And I think I've heard you, Nick, say it a lot. The idea is you want to make sure that you repair the ship when it's in the harbor, not when it's out in the middle of a storm. So preparing for the battle, putting safeguards in place beforehand, just essential to living with sexual integrity. We'll have the escape plan attached to the show notes. We'd encourage you, if you haven't, to create your escape plan. Equip yourself with the best tools for your sexual health. Bob, you're awesome. Thanks for being here, man. Appreciate it.

Yep. Good to have you, Bob.

Thanks, guys. And remember, a ship in harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are built for.

Thank you for listening to the Pure Desire Podcast. If you like what you're hearing and want to keep up with the podcast, please subscribe, download and share. You can also rate and review our podcast. The more reviews we get, the easier it is for others to find the podcast. If you'd like to support the message of hope and healing in developing sexual integrity, go to PureDesire.org give for more information about the ministry, check out our website, PureDesire.org and you can follow us on social mediauredesirepdmi. Once again, that's eudesirepdmi. We'll see you next time.