107 – Summer Sobriety 2

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You're listening to the Pure Desire Podcast. Your safe place to find hope, healing and freedom from sexual addiction, betrayal and relationship issues. Hey, PD Nation, I am your host, Trevor Windsor, and you are listening to episode 107 of the Pure Desire podcast. I am here with my co host as always, Nick Stumbo.

Mock Ying. Yeah. Bird. Yeah. Mocking bird. Say, have you heard? Okay, I'll stop. That's actually all I can remember. You sold a dead bird to a blanket.

Okay, so we are quoting. Please don't judge us for this. We are quoting Dumb and Dumber, probably one of the most incredible comedies ever. Ever, Ever.

Do you know what year that came out?

I'm gonna guess like 90, like 3 94.

1994. That means 25 years ago, which means we have listeners that weren't even born. Yeah, that movie came out and so we talk about it like a classic and, and maybe, just maybe that's a little part of our struggle that I'm guessing when my parents talked about like their 25 year old movies that really impacted their life. It was like, you know, it's a Wonderful Life or, you know, these epic kind of movies. For us, it's Dumb and Dumber.

Yeah, see, Anchorman is mine. The Dumb and Dumber is still up there either way.

So blame the media. That's put it on them.

Totally. All right, so today's episode, it was just you and me, we sat down and we had a conversation about summer sobriety.

Yeah, well, and Dumb and Dumber was a great reference because in that movie they go on a big road trip and travel the country. And I think that's what we're trying to look at in this episode is just summer's unique. Whether it's the barbecues we go to, the trips we take, the people that come to see us, it's kind of a change of our routine. And for many people, that's where they run into challenges. So we want to help think that through and make it a great summer rather than one we have anything to regret.

Yeah, well, we gave five tips on how to sustain and keep up your sobriety through the summer. So we hope that you enjoy the episode. Nick, let's talk summer sobriety. Today we've got five tips for really sustaining sobriety over what a lot of us at Pure Desire have talked about, like trigger season. Summer can be such a difficult season. So today we're going to talk about that. Let's just jump into the first one.

We've got five tips.

Yeah.

So important. Let's do it.

Okay, so the first one is plan out your days. Don't be idle. Let's talk about that.

Yeah. I think it's so important to look ahead and recognize this can be a season of opportunity or a season of struggle, because there are unique things that come out as part of summer. You know, I recently heard another counseling ministry that talked about this, and they said that they feel in their experience that 80% of the relapses they see come during either summer or holidays or a trip of some kind. And so there are significant challenges that we face. And part of it might be that we haven't really looked ahead and made that plan proactively about our health. Because one of the things I think we stress a lot at Pure Desire is that it's not about what you're avoiding, only that's only half the equation. It's just as much about what you're filling your life with. And so I think having a plan means to look proactively at how am I building health into my life. That might be, how does the summer afford me opportunities to develop a hobby that I've been looking forward to doing more of, or leaning into friendships in a new way, or just developing habits, you know, in group. Group members make a weekly commitment to change. It's maybe thinking about your summer and this timeframe as having a summer commitment to something like, you know, I hope this summer to at least three nights a week go for a walk with my wife because the weather's beautiful and that creates relationship to hold her. Exercise. Yeah. Or maybe it's. I'm going to go bike riding with my kids on at least two of the days. Or I'm going to, you know, finally learn a little bit about carpentry, and I'm going to go to Home Depot and take a couple of their classes and all those things that can provide a sense of purpose that I'm even with my free time, or maybe the flexibility I have, I'm filling it up with good things that provide life and hope and energy. Those become, I think, as powerful in helping us prevent relapse as having all these boundaries and guardrails will be.

So for me, I'll take the more negative. You're thinking about things you can do. For me, it's things that I should avoid. For me, boredom has always been a trigger. Like, if I find myself alone not doing anything, I'm bored. What am I going to fill my time with? Well, let's just start perusing on the Internet and see what I can find that's exciting or will keep me, you know, I don't know, not bored. Like, there's so many different reasons to go to the Internet. But I find out that boredom is one of those things that if I can avoid it or plan for the times or pockets of my day that I know are gonna be that way, then it's not just. Then it's not just me. We talk about this a lot. Basically, don't prepare the ship when it's in the middle of the storm. Don't you talk about, don't repair it in the middle of the storm, but do the work before you go out, before you even leave the dock. And this really, for me, is one of those ways, like, I'm preparing for boredom right now when I'm not bored and when I'm being intentional, rather than just hoping and praying and fingers crossed that I do okay without a plan if I find myself being bored.

Yeah. You know, as Benjamin Franklin famously said, if we fail to plan, we plan to fail. And I think that may be just a sobering question to ask ourselves right now to say, do I have a proactive plan of how I'm going to build on my sobriety, how I'm going to do better this summer? Because if I can't really identify a plan that I have, I may need to be honest and say I'm essentially planning to fail. And we don't like to think about it that way. But sometimes it's that kind of reality and truth that makes us say, okay, I can't just try to kind of walk my way or, you know, slough my way through another summer. I've got to have a plan. And what's that going to look like?

Yeah, absolutely. It's good.

Yeah. So that's a great tip of planning out your days. The second one may be particularly important if someone has been in a conquer group or Seven Pillars, Betrayal and beyond, something that maybe came to an end in the spring, or they've chosen to take a few weeks off because of people's summer schedules. Our second tip is to spend time with your group, even if your group isn't meeting.

Right.

So what do we mean by that?

So for me, I can just speak practically from my experience, my group is ending. And this is today will be the second to last meeting of Seven Pillars. And so for me, I'm already thinking through what are ways that I can spend time with these guys. And a couple things came to mind. One is, like, hang out with the people that are in your group, and it doesn't have to be meeting at the church, it doesn't have to be a Bible study. Like my group a few weeks ago just went golfing together and enjoyed the time. And of course we did check ins and talked about recovery and all that stuff. But I think one of the things that's really important is to just continue doing life together. Maybe you're not doing recovery work and that's not the end of the world, but still continue to work out your recovery, work out really your salvation, your sanctification, all of it. Just do life together. And then two, what that'll do. Whether it's phone calls like we use, my group just started using Marco Polo. Basically it's a video messaging app that you just send videos to each other and just doing a check in. And we've talked about, even with phone calls, that if you have to leave a voicemail, at least you've talked yourself through kind of what's going on and that ends up helping you. So things like that, that really help you just stay open and honest. I think that's the biggest thing too is if you're spending time with your group, even outside of group, continue doing those check ins, continue being honest about your recovery and honestly just enjoy each other's company. Because after nine months or 12 months of doing group with these people, they're, they're gonna be some of your best friends. And so really just continue to pour into it.

Yeah, there's something significant about spending just downtime, leisure time, fun time with people that really know all your stuff and just enjoy being around you. And I think maybe if we've never really done that, we've not really spent time with our group outside of group. I mean, we maybe have a great connection and friendship in group, but kind of crossing that hurdle of realizing in real life, these people are fun to be around and they like me. And the way that can develop friendship, I think is really. And you know, the other thing we've talked about on this podcast before is how addiction and temptation and struggles, they don't take a break. And so our recovery doesn't take a break either. And that connection we have to one another, even if we're the one who's on vacation, like for me, I've got a big vacation coming up. And I've said to the, and I'm actually in two groups right now, but I've said to both those groups like, hey, just because I'm out of town doesn't mean I'm out of touch. And I'm Going to do my best to make the phone calls because I need it and I'm going to have a lot of downtime and there's possible temptation there for me. So I need that regular connection. And I want you to know you're welcome to call me. And you know, if I'm in the middle of a fun family event, I'm not going to answer. But that's okay, right? You call, you leave me a message, I'll get back to you. Or at a very minimum, I'll text you to say thanks for calling, praying for you, hope you have a good day. And for both of us, that keeps that connection going. And so I think that'd be my encouragement along these lines in meeting with your group is just that making that connection regular, no matter where you are, whether you're at work or on vacation, finding where there is a little bit of downtime to make a five minute phone call because of how much that could encourage you and how much that could encourage the person you reach out to.

Totally. You know, another little thing that I just realized as you were saying that is that if we go through group and we talk every single week for nine months, 12 months, and then the group ends and then we don't talk anymore, it's very easy as an individual to start feeling shame. Like, were they just being gracious because we were in group, but they know all of my mess. Like, they know all of like the deep dark corner pockets of my soul and are they now like judging me? Is it different? So like shame and fear, I think in a lot of ways can creep in. And I mean, that's not like a primary reason to continue, but continue in conversation and contact. But it sure helps those pockets that you're like, oh, they do know all my stuff and they still want to be my friend. That's really cool.

Well, and something that's worth saying to add to that, and it's. It's not discussed enough in recovery circles is that the first year or two, I think is when people do see change, transformation, they would say, I'm free, I'm the person I've always wanted to be. God's done a great work. But there is definitely a window of time that, and I kind of put it in that three year timeframe where this has become the new normal. But it's maybe kind of slid off your radar, it's not as important as it once was. And many people find new challenges spring back up. And so if you're someone listening, that's in that Season, or you've been in recovery a while, but you're finding new challenges spring back up. I think keeping in connection with people that know you well is really key to those ongoing years where maybe we even feel like, I don't need the weekly group. But you're seeing. What we all see is that we need connection. Even if we don't have weekly group, we need people that know us at that level and that we can go to at any time.

Cool. So especially when you do move out of group. And summer tends to be the time that a lot of people do take a break from group groups. Definitely go through the summer, but oftentimes it usually starts in the fall, kind of ends up in the summer because of that. There's another thing that really we think that you should do in recovery is invite your spouse into your healing. So those. Those two. These two can kind of tie together. So let's talk about that one.

Yeah, And I think that's a good point to make. Even if your spouse has never been in group or if they have been, that either way, there are opportunities there because longer days and schedules that change. You know, for some spouses, it may be, this is a summer we're going to develop a habit and a routine of an us night, a date night. And maybe that is just what we talked about earlier, taking a walk and enjoying each other's company and just being friends. In a sense, that routine connection is inviting them into your recovery. Maybe the change of pace gives you more freedom to do something like going through the connected workbook and taking your relationship to a deeper level. Or. Or I was even thinking about how it may be those opportunities we have if we have extended time together to have conversations we don't normally have. And we were talking about this the other day with some guys that came to visit us. How we were talking how key it is for couples to connect about their sexuality and where they feel a sense of pleasure and joy and where they maybe feel they're just being used. And. And they kind of commented like, I don't know if my wife and I have ever had a conversation like that. And that can be a significant way to invite a spouse into your healing journey, is just to open up those doors at a time when there's no pressure. You're not in the middle of all the chaos of kids and jobs because there's maybe that downtime, or you're out of town just like, hey, how are we doing? You know, what do we do in our intimacy that really you enjoy what builds you up? What makes you feel that it's all about me? How could we work on those kind of conversations? Because ultimately, as that strengthens your relationship and your bond as a couple, that's inviting them into your healing journey and I think also helping them see that you are prioritizing the relationship. Because that's, in my mind, one of the most significant outcomes of our healing journey and the process we're on is that we see our spouse and our families are worth our investment of time and energy. And maybe the very energy we used to put into our addiction, we're now putting into them. And. And that can encourage them to take steps towards their own health as well.

Totally. I really don't have much to add. I felt like, I mean, maybe the only thing is just that if both spouses are in healing or in recovery or in the process of it, this is something that really is dynamic when it's done together. It's something that just consider this too, that the people on the outside who aren't in the day to day of your marriage, they're gonna see changes and they're gonna want to know what's going on. Like, how are you guys doing that? How are these conversations becoming normal? Like, how is your intimacy increasing? And one of the things that if spouses and couples work together on this stuff becomes very, very inviting for other people to get that as well. And so I think part of inviting your spouse into your own healing also creates this vulnerability or authenticity to the process you. You two are in and then being able to share that with other people and invite people into the same thing.

Yeah, well, I've heard from a number of groups that if, you know, particularly when both spouses have been in a group, going back to the previous question, they'll do group barbecues together and spouses and families. And it's one of those things. We've said that at the beginning of your healing journey, the need for confidentiality and not wanting to know who's in what group is really, really important. But I also find on the other end of it, when men and women are finding freedom and there's growth in a relationship, that it's like, hey, let's get our spouses together. And if everyone is aware of the situation can actually be really powerful times. Just there's a sense of we're celebrating together, that our marriages are in different places and. And there's new health. And so that can be an opportunity to look for as well.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. So that's the third tip. Inviting our spouse into our healing and looking for ways to engage with them. The fourth one would be to continue using the journal and the tools. What kind of thoughts do you have there, Trevor?

Yeah, so you mentioned it earlier that. That sexual addiction doesn't take a break. And I think that, you know, that what I wrote down, what I've been thinking about is the positive spin on that is that self awareness and sexual health don't have an off season. And growing up as an athlete, this is just my mind frame, you know, going into a lot of things. But the best athletes in the world really take minimal breaks and continue working even in the off season. That's actually where most of the improvement happens as an athlete. And I think that you can take the same approach in recovery that if you have summer months off, continuing to use the self awareness tools that we have, continue to, you know, whether it's using the faster scale on a daily basis and doing it with your spouse like the last tip that we had, maybe it's continuing to beef up your three circles, the relapse prevention tool. Maybe it's really just doing the devotionals. Like there's so many different tools that we have that we can use. And I think it's just important that you continue to develop yourself even if you're not in group and even if you're not spending a large chunk of your time every single week pouring into the homework or doing the recovery work, still continuing in self awareness and understanding who you are, how you can grow, how to develop. I just think that you're going to be a better person in general. And recovery, I think is sustained when that sort of stuff happens.

Yeah. Yeah.

Your phone's blowing up.

Sorry, my phone was on. Better turn that silent.

The executive director, Nick Stumbo is popular.

I'm just very important. Yeah. It's ironic how little that actually happens. No, you know, it came to mind from you. And you talk about the athletes that they don't take a break. I would say not to argue with that, but they do take purposeful breaks like for physically to let their body rest and to gain new health and a renewed energy for what they're doing. But even that quote unquote break is purposeful. And that's what I think of for us is we want to take purposeful times for renewal. And what comes to mind for me is that difference we've talked about before between isolation and solitude. That isolation is about me escaping, doing what I want, pushing others away or unwanted things away and just kind of numbing out to do what feels good. Whereas solitude is an intentional, purposeful drawing away to do things that refresh me. To journal, to meditate, to read, to pray, to dialogue with God, dialogue with a spouse, if they're part of, you know, solitude as a couple is possible, too. But to think through where I have those opportunities for out of the ordinary things, how could it be refreshing and renewing so that it pours into all the things I've been working on? I know one of those tools for me over the summer that just always becomes an important one is using the five gratitudes. There's something about when I'm out of my work routine, you know, when I'm on a little vacation, that gratitude's just become an important part of finding peace and contentment right where I'm at. So that's one of those tools I'd encourage. Like, hey, if you haven't used that much, just make that part of your summer routine. Because I think it's easy during the season to see things we can be grateful for.

Absolutely. Well, and I think that your pushback, or whatever you want to call it, I don't feel like you're arguing with me at all. I think that you're just fleshing it out even more, that maybe you take time off of the physical stuff and you're working more on the mental or emotional side of this, where it's, you know, especially if you have, you know, progressed in your recovery, it's not just the acting out now that you're working on. We've kind of got maybe got a hold on that or have found some sobriety there. And then now we're working on the emotional triggers. And so maybe you're having more conversations than you are doing the actual recovery work, which it all ends up being recovery work. But I just think that you're. You're right on. I just am thinking, like, you know, there was a golf tournament on TV this weekend, and I was watching it and just understanding that there's so much that goes into certain. Certain parts of life, and it's not just the physical act. It's also the mental. And it's also, like, how are you handling it emotionally? Are you able to, like, curb those difficult times in life or, you know, whether you're playing 18 holes or not? Like, so I feel like I'm beating up the sports analogy, but I just think that there's. There's so much dynamic to it. So I like what you're saying there.

You know, another tool I'd encourage people to think about that. We haven't utilized in Pure Desires resources, but I've just found so fruitful personally throughout, you know, spirituality and Christian history. It's a tool called the examine. And the examine is a. Usually a nightly routine, but could also be first thing in the morning where you look back at your previous day and say what. What brought me the greatest joy and what caused me the greatest fear or anxiety and. And just kind of noting what in my heart and soul, what turns me on to life and joy and health and what creates those moments of. And dissatisfaction and journaling that sort of thing. Because it really can put us in touch with what's driving us and then can become a very proactive way to see that and work on adjusting it. Like if we realize day in and day out what causes us fear is thinking about going back to work or thinking. Or it's our. The future of our kids or it's the reactions of our spouse. It's not. And then not focusing on those things exactly. But on why does that cause me anxiety, why does that cause me fear? What's underneath of what I feel that when my spouse is reactive, it's maybe realizing I have this expectation of the perfect marriage and a fear that people will judge us. And if we could expose that, wow, that's really what's going on, man. The ability we have then to work on transformation in that area is huge. And so using something like that to just say what's bringing me joy, what's creating my fear, and then allowing God to lead us into some steps for growth and change could be really significant.

Yeah. Alright, well, let's close this out. Let's finish the loop here. The fifth tip or step, I guess, to summer sobriety is close the loopholes early. So those areas that are weak in your plan, let's talk about that.

Yeah, that's such a great tip. Because I think if we're anywhere over the age of, I mean, let's put it at 25, if you're under 25, you're maybe so young you haven't seen enough routines.

Not so young. Don't hear we're saying you're young, but you're just younger in life.

But any of us that are getting beyond that age, we can look at a lot of our summer routines. And if we're being honest with ourselves, with others, we know where there's some loopholes. We know a family's house maybe that we visit on vacation, that their Internet is not protected or there's a device we can use there. Right. We know we're going to stay in a hotel and maybe we've seen a routine of how hotels are struggles, whether going to the workout room and watching a TV there that no one else can see or the TV in our room. Maybe it's even just knowing that we're going to be at an in laws house or another relative where no one really pays attention to us and we spend a ton of time on our phone and historically we can look back and go, yeah, maybe I didn't always relapse, but we know it's always been a struggle. There's always been issues. So the encouragement here is be honest with yourself, look ahead at those loopholes and then have some proactive ideas to deal with it before it even becomes an issue. And so if you and your spouse are in recovery together, I think that's part of it. It's going to them and saying, hey, I want to be a man of integrity, I want to be a woman of integrity. And here's a place in our vacation or our summer trips that has always caused me problems. And here's what I'm going to do differently. And I want you to know I'm doing it so you can support me. And if there's any ways I can support you, let me know. But. And if we're not able to do that with our spouse, that's a great activity with our group or a group member on a phone call to say, every time I go to such and such house, this seems to happen. And here's my plan this year, and we talked about this, that the brain just, if you really ask, honestly, if I was going to relapse the summer, when's it most likely to happen? 99% of us could name something pretty quickly because it's there. So rather than trying to ignore it and be like, ah, this time it won't happen, you know, voice it and then create a plan around it so that it doesn't become that same old pattern.

Well, and you, I think I've heard you say this, that like there's this piece of it, that if I'm planning ahead like that, if I'm looking forward and identifying, okay, I know I'm going to the beach at the end of July, which, which I am. And I know that I'm gonna probably have some downtime by myself with a laptop or with a phone. There's something especially in a male brain that goes, I'm strong enough, I can do that. When I get to that moment, if I haven't done any plans. I don't need to plan. I'm strong enough. I'm far enough long in recovery that I'll be okay when that's not actually the strong thing to do. The strong thing to do, and I think this is one of the things you've said before, is what shows strength and what shows courage is the willingness to do that work before that ever happens. So, like, you're not, you know, and I think you've talked about it, that basically, health, sexual health, or sobriety is not being able to sit in front of the computer at night and say, no, I'm not going to do this. It's actually the work you did a week earlier to prepare yourself so that you don't find yourself in that situation. So, like, I just. There's so many examples that go through my head, But I just think that's such a great. A great idea, even. I mean, I love that. And I would hope that any listeners right now listening to this would do that, would think, if I was to relapse this summer, where would it be, what time of day would it be, and how would I do it? That's such a great. I don't think I've ever heard anybody say that before, but that's great. And I think really being intentional about it is going to be so helpful.

Well, and not only thinking, I mean, that's great. And then even beyond that, like, what I was processing with my group this week was just areas that I know there will be temptation, and that doesn't mean I'm immediately going to relapse, but to see where that's just a place I could struggle. And I would encourage listeners to be very, very specific. So with my group, I named a place. I said, here's a place we go every summer. And because it's not a beach, because there's not overtly sexual stuff, I can find my brain almost giving me permission, like, oh, it doesn't matter. I'm safe here. So if I'm checking people out or just watching the crowd, but then you get caught up in a mindset that just doesn't lead to health. So I just. I named the place. I talked about us going there and said, you know, I want to have an intentional plan to stay engaged with my kids and my wife because it. It's a really, really fun day. And I don't want to get to the end of the day being like, I wish I had guarded my eyes more today.

Right.

So I think those kind of things, too, of Just where are those temptation points gonna be? And be specific, because the more specific you are, I think as those moments come, you'll remember, like, okay, this is the moment I talked about. I told my group, and here's my plan. And because I was specific, now I'm ready to face this in a healthy way.

You know, as you're saying that I'm thinking too, it's not just places or things or situations. It's also, like, understanding what has triggered me in the past. Like, if you are going on. So for me, I'll just be honest. Like, I don't love living life on other people's schedule. I like being on my own schedule, my own time frame. And when I go on vacation, which we will. We'll go on vacation this summer with. With extended family, my schedule is secondary to what the group is doing. And so I know that I can very easily get emotionally triggered and want to just freak out. And so if I know that I can start planning for that now, and then when I get into that situation, I'm better prepared for it.

Yeah. Yeah. That's so good. Being aware of our emotional triggers as much as our visual ones.

Yeah.

And particularly for female listeners, that may be even more important because they might say, well, there's nothing, you know about summer that's, you know, physically or, you know, lust or. But there may be a lot of emotional things because it involves family members or in laws or their own parents. And just those emotional triggers and all of us being prone to escape or isolation is something really to be aware of.

Yeah. All right, well, listener, anybody out there who's hearing this, sobriety is always possible. And if we're intentional about the work that we put in into our sexual health, the summer months can not only be relaxing, but can be fulfilling and can actually be used to leverage more recovery and more health in so many different areas. So it is possible. Very much so. We hope that these five tips help you as you kind of go into the summer. So, Nick, thanks for your time, man.

Yeah, thank you. Hopefully, it's a summer of growth and health for everyone.

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