113 - Women & Sex

Foreign.

You're listening to the Pure Desire podcast. Your safe place to find hope, healing and freedom from sexual addiction, betrayal and relationship issues. What's up, guys? Just wanted to let you know about our upcoming Pure desire Men's Conference, September 14th, Troutdale, Oregon at Harvest Christian Church. This is a one day event that's going to be a great time together. We're going to have food, we're going to have fellowship, and we're going to have some great sessions and teachings on sexual integrity. How to create a. Create it, how to maintain it, how to live in community the best way we know how. Our featured speaker is Jay Stringer. We also have a sit down with Dr. Ted and other sessions that you guys are going to love. Make sure to register and check out all the info on our website, PureDesire.org pdman we'll see you guys there.

Surprise. I'm your host, Ashley Jamison and you are listening to episode 113 of the Pure Desire podcast. Here with me is my co host, Heather Kolb.

Hi. I'm so glad we get to do a girl episode without the boys.

No boys allowed. Definitely no boys allowed. But we do want boys to listen to this episode.

Okay.

Right?

That's okay.

Because men need to know. Why do men need to know these things about sex?

They do need to know because one thing is that women have a hard time talking about it. And if men know that women are struggling talking about it, then maybe they'll be brave enough to start the conversation themselves.

Yeah. I think that's so good. I can't remember what blog it was I wrote, but it was definitely about sex. My favorite topic.

Yes.

And one of the men, like, we're friends and so our, we're friends with the couple and the husband came up and said, I loved your blog. That was women, something, sex. You know, he's like, I told my wife to read it.

Good.

And it was so good. Like we talked about it and it was good. And he said more, more guys need to read stuff like that. And my husband says the same thing too. But I think the reason why sometimes we're hesitant is because we don't want to be a trigger to anybody. You know, we're worried. But at the same time, both people need to understand sexuality. Men need to understand women's sexuality, women need to understand men's because how else are we going to learn? And we feel like we're a good, safe place to talk about that and teach.

Right. And sometimes the things that really are inhibiting women from having Sex with their husbands or from even engaging in the conversation is not always what men think. It's not even about them or how they look or any of those things. It could be just that they have other things going on emotionally, or they feel overwhelmed by housework or kids or all of these different things. And so just starting that conversation is super helpful in a marriage.

Oh, yeah, I know. It was mind blowing for me when I realized that men actually care about women during sex. That totally changed the way I thought about men and sex. So anyways, we're gonna talk about all these fun things today and we'll just dive right in.

That sounds great.

Heather. It's you and me, not Trevor and Nick.

Nice.

The women have taken over. Let's jump into our questions. We have a lot of them. I'm just gonna go ahead and start. So this one says, when it comes to sex, what is okay and what's not okay. I think that's a good one to start with, since we get it so much. And I do want to point out that we have this question every time we go to a women's conference. And it really isn't about a list of what's okay and what's not okay. It's more about what feels comfortable for both people in the room that are participating, that it has to be something that's not degrading, it's not shaming, that it doesn't make you feel convicted in any way. And we have some really good charts in our resources that will say healthy sexuality and unhealthy sexuality. I think that's in Betrayal and Beyond and Eight Pillars and Unraveled. So if you're working in any of those resources, you should be able to look at that. And if anything falls on the list of unhealthy for either person, then that would be something that you don't want to do. And that's part of the sacrifice when it comes to sex and relationship is that we don't always get to do everything we want to do if the other person's not comfortable.

Right. And it really comes down to having that conversation, which we're going to talk about what that looks like. But having that conversation to say. To say, not only that this makes me. When we do this, it makes me uncomfortable, but also being able to have that conversation and say, when we've done this in the past, I like that. And I feel more sexually connected to you when we do that. Investigate that a little bit further. And so it really is, again, that idea of it's not. There's not going to be a list that says, only ever do these when you have sex in your marriage or never do this. It doesn't look like that, but it really has to do more with, you know, as a couple, what do you want to see your sexual relationship look like and what is going to be comfortable for both people?

Yeah, I mean, and there are some things I would say go on the no list. Like multiple people involved in pornography.

Okay. There maybe is a no list.

So there are some. I guess there are some, like black and white. No, we don't do those things. But the other stuff that's going to be, you know, according to each relationship.

Yeah, definitely. Okay, so here's another question that we hear a lot. Is masturbation wrong? And this really comes from all. From women who are single and married. And this is really sometimes in the context of masturbation with porn or without porn. And so. And again, this is for women. And so when we talk about masturbation, is it wrong? I think that one of the best things to look at is really God's design for sex and what he intended sex to be. And really it comes down to sex between a husband and a wife. That is going to be a mutually satisfying experience. And so when you look about. When you look at masturbation, masturbation is all about the individual. It's all about one person being sexually satisfied and not that satisfaction that comes between a man and a wife.

Yeah. Are you going to talk about a little bit of what it does to your brain?

So masturbation is. Yes, I will talk about that.

Can you please elaborate?

Yes. So masturbation is one of those things that creates dopamine in the brain. And the more that we behave in a way that creates dopamine in our brain, the more we want to do that. But masturbation is definitely one of those activities that stimulates the production of dopamine and causes us to want to pursue that feeling. The unfortunate thing that happens is the more that we do something to create dopamine in our brain, the less effect it has on our brain. And so it really not only affects what we're doing, but it also affects the way that we're bonding with our spouse. And so, and this is really important not only for married couples, but for individuals who hope to be. Who are single, who hope to be married someday, is that if you're using pornography or fantasy and masturbating, then at some point you might find that you can achieve orgasm without these rituals in place so without masturbation, that when you go to have sex with another person, then you won't be able to achieve orgasm, which will then again disrupt that bonding that takes place.

Yeah, and that's such a good talking point for me with my teenagers, because sometimes they want to know the facts, and it's like, well, if God put it there, why can't I play with it? And I mean, you know, the normal questions that teenagers and, and even some singles have, and when you can, when you can talk about that, it's going to change your brain and that you may then end up going into a relationship with somebody and not feel comfortable or not even be able to function fully because you've, you've programmed your brain to respond all these different ways. It's, it's, it just takes all the argument out of it and it's like, okay, that's your choice. You know. You know, you may set yourself up for some difficulties there. Okay, number three, this one, I know we've gotten so many times at the conferences, I want to enjoy sex with my husband, but I don't know how to go about bringing it up. And that one usually comes after we're talking to women about how important sex is, how important orgasm is, how, you know, they're learning all this stuff at the conference. And then they come up to us and say, okay, okay, I want to do these things. But I'm. We've never talked about sex before. How do I even start? And, and I can probably guarantee that most men, if you, you know, if you go to them and say, I want to talk about sex and how we can make it better and how we can do more things, they're going to like that conversation. And so it really is about overcoming some fear. And, and maybe you start by joining a group where you get more comfortable talking about sex. Because I found that when women go through group, they come out and they're just, they're more comfortable because maybe they've never had an environment where they can talk about sex. And then just maybe approaching your spouse and saying, hey, I learned all these things, and I learned how important. Having good sexes and reaching orgasm and, and that it should be something that's really exciting for both of us. Would you mind just practicing and take the whole I have to come in knowing what I'm doing and look like everything I've seen and be a rock star off the table and just have fun with it and be playful and, and goofy and if, if things don't work or you don't do it right, then try something different and just make it more light hearted, I think will be the best way to go about it.

Yeah, and that's one of the things too about being in group is that it gives you that safe space to talk with other women and talk about these things of how do I have this conversation with my husband or how do I start this conversation? And especially if you have women, I can't tell you the amount of women that come to us at a conference and they've been married 25, 30 years and they can count on one hand the amount of times that they've achieved orgasm in their marriage. And that's not anybody's fault. It's just that they didn't know what it could look like. And so to just be willing to risk having that conversation with your husband and say, I would really like to explore this and experiment a little bit and see if we couldn't cause this to be a more enjoyable experience for both of us. It's definitely worth the conversation for sure.

And you guys have heard me talk about that even with like kissing, not liking kissing and that it's something that you have to practice and talk about. And, and one of the things that I think of when you're saying that, you know, the women that talk to us and they've never been able to have orgasm or whatever, it's some of those women think that they're stuck or think they have a low libido when really if you've been able to have an orgasm before ever, then it's probably more brain thing, a stimulus thing, trauma thing. And, and we're going to go into that in the next question. But it's so much more a brain thing than anything and women feel stuck that they just don't. Their bodies just can't do it. And that's so wrong that you can retrain your brain to like that and enjoy it.

Yeah, it'll benefit both of you, definitely. Well, and that does then bring us to our next question. The question is I have no desire to have sex with my husband. Why is this. And this is a really broad question. And so we're going to just tackle it from a few different advantages or advantage points because it really has to do with, you know, are you a woman who has experienced betrayal in your marriage? Are you a woman who. Or betrayal in any relationship? Are you a woman who has shame and trauma from your past sexual experiences or you know, it, or really is it a lack of orgasm? And these are just taking three Very basic things that, that we talk about with women. But that first one, if you've experienced betrayal your marriage, it's going to take you time, it's definitely going to take time to really build that trust back into the relationship. And, and for some couples this may include taking sex completely off the table if there's been a betrayal. And, and really just trying to relate on a, on an emotional level before then bringing sex back into the marriage. And sometimes that can be a really good thing for women when, especially in that. When betrayal happens.

Yeah. Yeah. And I, we do have a podcast that even goes deeper on that. Isn't it Sex Dream Recovery? Yes, I think that would be a good one for somebody if they need more on that one to go back and listen. Because each one of these things, we could probably spend 15 minutes talking about each one of these things and obviously we don't have time to do that. But whatever category you fall in. So Heather addressed betrayal. It could be from shame or trauma. And I see this on both sides, leading the unraveled groups and, and talking with women even in the betrayal groups that sometimes it's, it's self inflicted shame or trauma that they have a negative self talk of their body, of themselves or they, they grew up in an environment where, where sex was talked about in a really shaming way or maybe not at all. And so it just feels uncomfortable.

Right.

They get nervous as soon as they're talking about it or doing it. And then other times it could be like abuse or sexual abuse or, or your own sexual addictions where you had all these patterns that then are kind of stuck with you in your marriage. And that I think is like where my kissing thing came from. That's how that happened was there was, it was always negative, it was always in a like a shaming way. And so now I have this healthy marriage that had been in for 10 years and it's, it's a trigger for me. Right. And so I have to work hard to go back in and retrain those areas. So same with the betrayal that if you have some shame or trauma, getting into group processing that, learning how to talk about it, learning where some of these things come from so then you can talk to your brain in a new way. Like, okay, my husband's safe, he's attracted to me. This is okay. God made this. It's all okay. That's a really good place to start.

Yeah. And also to give yourself some grace and know that this is going to take time. It's not something that you're going to hear this podcast and you're going to think, oh, my gosh, I can fix this. And next week we're going to have the greatest sex ever. It's probably. I mean, it could happen, and yay you if it happens. But it's also one of those things that realistically, it's going to take time and just give yourself that permission to say, okay, I'm just going to work toward having great sex with my husband over the next even six months. And it just gives you a goal. But. But also be patient because it's going to take a little bit of time. Oh, yeah, definitely.

For sure.

Well, and then the other one, too is that whole idea of a lack of orgasm. Because God intentionally designed our brain, designed our brain to respond to sex between a husband and a wife so that it would cause us to bond with each other, because that is by far one of the most unique relationships that we will have in our whole entire lives. And God designed it so that. That we would have a relationship with our spouse that we don't have with anybody else, with no one else. And so that's why I think that orgasm is so important in a marriage relationship, not just for the guy, but that women are achieving orgasm when they're having sex with their husbands because their brain is going to produce these bonding chemicals that are going to cause them to feel emotionally and physically closer to their husband, but also that is going to do other things with their. In their relationship. Like for women, if they're achieving orgasm when they're having sex with their husband, it really stimulates this nesting hormone in them that makes them want to stay put, you know, whereas. And even with men, when they're achieving orgasm, it makes them want to protect their spouse. And so again, God's design for sex in marriage was so good and so important. But women, if you're not achieving orgasm in your. In sex with your husband, then that would be something that you definitely want to address and figure out why. Whether it's a physical issue or whether it's a mental issue or an emotional issue. But it's so important that women are achieving orgasm. I mean, God designed sex to be mutually satisfying experience.

Yeah. So women should go home tonight and tell their husband, I want a bond. But honestly, the orgasm thing, it's. It really. You know, there's so many women that say, oh, I just like the. I just like the closeness. I don't really need an orgasm. But you really do. I mean, it's part. God wouldn't have even made It. If it wasn't, like, important.

Right.

And. And you. And you almost probably don't even know what you're missing. And so work toward that. And. And some of that is just environment. I mean, we're moms and we're busy. Or maybe it's trauma or. I mean, I. You. You might have to go through a whole ritual of taking a shower and, like, calming down and having some transition period. And that may be, you know, something that you can realize. Like, what gets me to the point where my brain is turned off? Because a woman's brain is always on. It's always multitasking. And it's going to be very hard to achieve orgasm if you have all these, you know, windows open in your head that you have to do this and that and this. And so I know that you always share, you know, let's do laundry and then have sex. Like, that's a good, you know. Yeah, let's close that box. And then. And John, too, he'll be like, what can I do to help you close all the windows in your head? So figure out what you need to do to be able to relax and to get in the mood. It's really important. It's not like TV where you're, like, doing dishes and then your husband comes up. You're like, I'm ready. No, you're like, excuse me, I just wiped that counter down. Help me finish the dishes, and then we can head up to the room.

TV is not real.

Okay, next question. Moving on before we get in trouble and our bosses cut everything out. Okay, so sex has always been taboo and dirty. It's been a taboo, dirty topic growing up. How do I get over the shame? And I think I kind of already probably jumped to this, but we both think that the more you can be around people who can talk about it in a healthy way in group or even just if you have some friends that you guys, you know, can work through some materials together or. Or talk about things and maybe. Maybe not dive in, you know, feet first, but just talk a little bit with your spouse, and then as it gets more comfortable, then maybe you could talk about more. And. And it's kind of something that the more you do it, the less awkward it will feel.

Yeah. And it is one of those things that if you've been raised in an environment where it was shameful to talk about or. Or people never talked about sex or our sexuality, it can feel. Even if you're 35 years old, it can feel really uncomfortable. And so if you have a Group or some other women that you can even just start that conversation with first. If it makes you more comfortable and it makes you feel safe that talking with women is easier, and then have that conversation with your spouse, then sometimes it just really does take practicing that. But it can feel super awkward. Even if your brain says, well, I'm an adult now and I should be able to talk about this, there's still a part of you, that kid inside you that says, wait, this is bad. If I talk about it, it makes me feel bad. And God didn't design sex for us to feel bad about it. It was a really great gift from God. And so. But it might take time again to feel comfortable.

Yeah. How many conferences are we at and we're talking about orgasm or sex or, you know, and we see adult women, like, blushing and hiding their faces, and it's like. And they'll tell us, I've never heard that word spoken, and especially not in church. I just don't hear that word. And, you know, and. And for parents, you've got to start using the language normally in your house so that your kids can grow up knowing this is just normal language. This is just part of, you know, part of how. How, like, even this morning when we were working on this and Ayla comes up and sees our screen and it's got sex on it, she's like, why are you guys talking about sex? And it's like, well, because we're teachers and we're teaching women how to, you know, how to handle that in a healthy way.

Exactly.

So she kind of rolls her eyes and walks away. But that's the kind of stuff where just a little bit just. It's normal conversation. It's not a one big talk.

Yep.

Yeah.

That is so good. So another question that we hear often is, I have a very unhealthy sexual history. How do I redeem this and make it something beautiful and exciting with my husband? And I think that we have addressed this a little bit, but it's one of those things that. And anybody here at Pure Desire, when you talk to us, we will say to you, get in group, get counseling if you need it, get healthy. And so a lot of times we have something that is an unhealthy sexual history. And really, we're always the worst judge of our past than other people. But when you're in group, you're going to be with other people who know exactly what you feel like, and they've been there. And because they think that they have the worst sexual history too but what you find is that you create community and this, you bond with the other people in your group and it helps you to realize that, okay, I'm not this horrible evil person, that, yeah, I have a past, but everybody has a past. And so how can I find healing? My own healing first, before then, I can allow healing to come into my marriage.

Oh yeah. And I always think about this because this was my story. I had a very unhealthy sexual history, self inflicted and others inflicted on my trauma. And so you can feel like you got, you know, plan B. And sometimes it's not somebody's fault. You know, if you were raped and it totally wasn't your fault, you feel like, okay, now forever I'm gonna have this worse relationship because of what happened. And, and I just think about that, you know, even, you know, when God gave us Jesus, you know, course following his rules and everything would have been so right and perfect, but it wasn't like, oh, you messed up. I guess you have plan B. Jesus, he, you know, he's all right, you know, second class or whatever. That's totally not how it is. It's. God has a plan for us. It's so good, and if we would obey it, then we'd benefit so much. But he also knows, he's prepared for our sins. He's prepared to cover us, and he's prepared that when we want to turn around and repent and give him these areas to redeem, that he can make it so good because he's God and he can redo all of that for us.

Yeah, absolutely. And that's why we always tell people, call us, you know, if this, if this podcast speaks to you and you think, okay, maybe I want to address this, then call us. If you think that you might benefit from even just a consultation with one of our, someone on our clinical staff, call us, you know, because we're always here and this is what we do.

And we see it every day. Every day, people's lives totally transformed. Yeah, really cool. Okay, so I don't want my kids to know I made sexual mistakes. They believe I'm a virgin. I was a virgin until marrying their dad. Is it okay to keep this history from them? Ooh, this one's.

So this is a good one.

This is a tricky one. I get this a lot from moms, and it's a tough one because you don't want to overexpose your kids. But at the same time, for me, when I've seen that with parents, it actually creates a lot of shame. In the parents. And so then they start getting all weird around certain topics because anybody who's carrying a secret starts to act a certain way when you get too close to that topic. And so you may end up avoiding talking about it altogether because you're afraid your kids are going to ask you, well, were you a virgin when you married dad? Or, you know, and then you. You lose out on even that conversation. And. And I found that it's been really redemptive, and it gives me some authority and some credibility when I'm talking to my boys, especially, you know, they're almost 16, that they know I didn't wait. I mean, they know, like, I was a teen mom and that I didn't make the right choices, but they also saw how hard that was for me. And then when you do it right, and when you allow God to be the, you know, the ruler of how your life goes or your sex life goes, that it can be so good. And so I am on the side of you. Be honest with your kids at their level.

Right.

You don't have to give them all the details. But saying that you. You made some mistakes. And even in telling them where that went wrong, like, I started hanging out with the wrong people, and I started hanging out with kids that were doing that, it was really hard to hold my convictions while I was in that group of friends. And so looking back, I would have been better off. That's really teachable stuff for your kids.

Yeah, Well, I know that my sons, who are all adults now, but I know that they used to joke that said, you know, because they never think that we were kids ever. They never think that. Yeah, exactly. I know. And so I think that it's good for our kids to know that I was human. I was a high school student. I was. You know what I mean? I had these opportunities and. And I didn't choose well. And I was suspended from school, and you know what I mean, I was suspended from. Okay, I was suspended. So. But you know what I mean, it's like we all have our things, and I think that our kids need to know that we all make mistakes. And I think that it is, I don't know, a mistake that parents make sometimes when they want to, you know, I don't know, make their kids think that they were perfect, because I think that then they are not approachable. And so I think once my kids knew that I had made mistakes, I had crossed lines, I was not perfect, that it gave them kind of some freedom to be able to tell me when they messed up. And so we could, you know, talk it out and then help them to make better choices in the future. And it just really is doing relationship together and doing life together. And it's so much better for your kids.

Yeah. Because when your kids, if and when they find out anything you've done, they do not trust you. They think you're a liar, and it's such a huge betrayal that they feel like you're being hypocritical. You raised them in this Christian environment. You gave the illusion that you waited till marriage. You gave them the illusion you never made any mistakes. And then if they find that out, it really is damaging for their trust in you. I've seen it over and over and over. And so being able to be honest and be real with them is really important for kids.

Yeah. And I think, too, that if your kids come to you with a question and you're not ready to give that answer, or maybe you haven't even had that conversation with your spouse, it's okay for you to say, you know what? That is a great question, and I need to think about that for a little bit. And. But how about if we, you know, we'll talk about that in however amount of time so that then you can have that conversation with your spouse so that you can, you know, be on the same page and then address that and really address it in a way that would be more age appropriate. But also, you're. You're being intentional about it. It's not a reaction like, oh, my gosh, I can't believe you asked me that. But it's more of, okay, let's have this conversation in a way that's going to benefit both of us, and it's going to benefit our relationship.

I think that's really good advice because I've talked with some moms whose kids are out of control, and they want to help them, but they have all these secrets in their own past that they haven't shared with their kids.

Yeah.

And so they're trying to parent from this, like, pedestal down, and they're not, you know, parenting across, which is how a lot of our resources were even designed. And so being able to have the freedom to say, take eight months and go through, unravel, take nine months and go through betrayal and beyond, and then plan to have that sit down, talk with your daughter and process things and be able to tell her what you've been through is really good.

Yeah. It's so good. So here's another one that we hear a lot is that how do I stop fantasizing during sex? And this is something that both men and women struggle with. And there's a lot of women who struggle in this area, either fantasizing that they're with a different person, not their spouse, or also fantasizing about a different spouse scenario or fantasizing just really, it can be anything. But it is one of those things that ends up being more harmful to the relationship and definitely more harmful to the sexual relationship. Because if you're fantasizing, then you're not being present, then you're not really focusing on your spouse and you're not taking the opportunity to really just invest in that relationship. Instead you're losing yourself in an unreal world that then again is also going to cause it to be more difficult to achieve orgasm if you're always having to fantasize or even increase your fantasy in order to achieve orgasm with your spouse.

Right.

Yeah. It can be kind of dangerous.

Yeah. And I think that's a trap that a lot of married women are in is I cannot tell you how many people, including myself, don't realize that they're fantasy, you know, they're fantasizing, they're escaping because it is about their spouse.

Right.

And what was a real wake up call for me was when John was like, had this big fantasy, you know, played out and it was me and I'm like, rude. That is not even me. I don't have that job. I don't wear those clothes. I'm in yoga pants with oatmeal and fuzzy hair. That is not me. That's somebody else with my head, you know, so where did you even see that? And, and that's when it was an eye opener to me that I do the same thing. And so it took things like starting with a little candle, little baby, baby, baby, tiny candle, you know, a little lighting, being able to look at each other, you know, being in, in scenarios where you can see face to face. And so maybe that means that you take certain things off the table for a while until you retrain your brain to be stimulated and aroused by your spouse.

Yep. Yeah. And that's so good. And sometimes it's, it isn't an all or nothing process. It really is just saying, okay, what would help me in this environment to be able to be present with my husband and just figure out what's going to work for you as a couple?

Yeah. And when you can retrain your brain to be aroused by your spouse, then you're going to reach orgasm a lot better. And Faster. So it's a win, win, win, win, win, win, win.

Definitely win, win.

Okay, I just had a baby. By the time I get the kids settled, the last thing I need is another person touching me. How do I maintain intimacy when all I want to do is sleep? And I feel like every mom knows this. Like, I'm leaking from everywhere everyone's touching me. People keep saying my name like, I just want to be in a. That sounds really happy. So, yes, we know this one. And you wrote a really good blog on this a while back. Was Sexist for Moms. What was that one called? Oh, it was so good.

I forget what it was called, but.

Yeah, it's in our blogs.

Yes.

And it was really, really good about what happens to the mom brain during pregnancy and afterward and how important getting back to having orgasm is.

Yes.

For you. Yeah. And your spouse. So read that. It's on our blogs. But this is a good one. And what I found is, after babies, you have to be so intentional. And the whole spontaneous thing, again, tv, that is not real. And so it may be something where you, you know, you text your spouse. You're like, I have 20 minutes right now, you know, between the time I put my kid down and the time I pass out on, you know, my bed. Or maybe it's during nap time, but you might have to find a different time where you're not tired. And also, we're not giving your very, like, haggard leftovers at the end of the day to your spouse, who you really need to maintain that connection even more. So when a new baby comes in and disrupts that and you have all these mom, you know, pathways now devoted. I think that was in your blog right now, devoted to this new baby.

Yes.

That you really need to be intentional. So it could be changing the time. It could be. Maybe it's not as romantic, but it's like, more quickies. Right. Little notes, little, you know, things.

Don't play a stopwatch.

Don't use a stopwatch. But it may be something. Okay. Like, you get the toddlers in the bath. I'll get the baby down. I'm gonna take a quick shower to, like, transition from sticky mom to, like, cute wife. And then we're gonna go. And then I'm gonna go to sleep, and you can watch tv. I don't care.

Yes.

Like, it may be something like that. And that is realistic. Yeah.

And it is one of those things, too, that, like, Ashley, you're saying to be intentional, and sometimes that doesn't feel sexy. And we all know that after we've been pregnant for nine months and we don't have the same body even, and so we can feel so uncomfortable with what we're dealing with. But you know what? Your husband doesn't care. Okay. And so that's something that we have to get over, kind of. But it is one of those things that can be really inhibiting for women, especially their. Their post baby body is something that they don't even like the down view. And so those things where it's just like, you got to get over it, you got to build that connection again with your husband. And I know that even for women in those first six to eight weeks, you know that they've just had a baby and they're trying to figure out life with this new person, it can be really scary. But after that, women, I would really encourage you to be super intentional about making time for your husband, making emotional bonding, physical bonding, sexual bonding time specific to your husband, because it is something that you have to be super intentional about.

And just a practical piece of advice, if you're nursing, don't wear your nursing bra to bed. Put a different cute bra on, because that might help.

Yes.

Like, you really can do things to make yourself feel better.

Yes.

You know, if you're. If you're looking dumpy, you're gonna feel dumpy. So have some self care and really invest in yourself.

Yes, I know. That is so important. We really want to close this episode with encouragement. Encouragement that we have not just for women, but for men too, who might be listening to this podcast. What do you think, Ash?

Yeah, I would just say start somewhere, like, if it's. If you're listening to this and you're feeling triggered, nervous, scared, which all those things could happen, and that's totally okay. I mean, talking about sexuality and being healthy is hard. And so whatever feelings you're feeling right now, I would just sit with that while it's fresh, try to figure out, why am I feeling this way? Is it fear? Is it trauma? Do I just feel like, oh, my gosh, I hate hearing about sex. It's so disgusting? Well, if you're married, that's. That's a problem right there.

Right.

And so really try to figure out what it is you're feeling right now and then maybe make a plan for next step. If it's mental, if it's some trauma, if it's some shame, if it's. If it's physical, maybe you've let yourself go and you feel like, I need to get back in shape, maybe that's it, you know, just start making a plan, have a next step. And so I'd encourage any woman listening to this to, to make a plan of either what she can do to enhance what she already has going on, or to take a step in health. Whether that means joining a group, seeing a counselor, talking to her spouse tonight, figuring out how she can start being more open and honest with her kids, creating a dating plan, whatever that may be, wherever they're at in life.

Yeah. And it is really important to Ash, like you were saying, to start somewhere, to pick one thing and pick one thing and work on that one thing for the next month. Don't feel like you have to, you know, achieve everything that we talked about today, but just pick one thing that you think is going to be something that you can be successful in. If maybe that's just saying that, okay, I'm going to just try to schedule time to have sex with my husband once, once a week, or that we're gonna do a date night and have sex one time. You know what I mean? Because I think that that's really hard sometimes for women, especially when, you know, you get into a routine and, and life takes over and you feel like, yeah, and you're kind of neglecting your relationship and it's not on purpose, but it just is because life keeps getting in the way. Then sometimes it means just stepping out of life and saying, okay, we're gonna create time for this. That can be really beneficial for our relationship and for bonding. Yeah, it's really good.

Good, good, good. Alright. Well, being honest, real and upfront about sex as a woman is extremely important if you want to live in sexual health. We hope that our time covering these questions help you as you find sexual health in your life. If you have more questions around this topic, email infouredesire.org and use the subject line PD Podcast. We'll get your questions on one of the upcoming episodes. Please don't hesitate to reach out to us. Our emails are in the show notes and Heather, thank you for being here. This is fun.

This is really fun. Thanks, Ash. Bye.

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