129 - The Greatest Gift You'll Give

You're listening to the Pure Desire Podcast, your safe place to find hope, healing, and freedom from sexual addiction, betrayal, and relationship issues. Merry Christmas. I'm your host, Trevor Windsor, and you are listening to episode 129 of the Pure Desire podcast. Here with me, as always, the South Pole elf, Nick Stumbo.

Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas.

So original. I love it.

Well, it is Christmas Eve, and after all, I am Saint Nick, so there you go.

Oh, Saint Nick. That's good. Is that because, you know, you're now a redeemed follower of Jesus? Is that where we're.

No, it's just because my first name is Nick. I've heard that a lot in the past, so.

Great. Well, look, we've got a good. A quick episode for you on this Christmas Eve. But first, couple things.

Quality over Quantity today.

Yeah, 100% for that. Yeah. So a couple quick things. If you are not subscribed to the podcast, please do it.

Don't wait.

You can find us on all the major platforms and give us a review. If you give us a review, it helps people find the podcast. It helps people know the podcast doesn't suck if you like it. So help more people see it means a lot to us. And then also follow us on social media, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, earedesirepdmi, and then if you like to consume video content, we have all these interviews and podcasts up on YouTube as well. Nick, what would you just tell people Christmas is tomorrow for listening to this, when this episode comes out. Got anything for them? What do you have to say?

You know, it's exciting to me the way that the podcast has become a kind of community. People find encouragement and hope and a reminder that they're not alone. And my hope as people gather around Christmas, for a lot of people, particularly when we were stuck in our addiction, it's a time where we don't feel like we belong. There's old voices or there's family dynamic issues where we just feel that somehow we're not a part of things. And so I hope that not only in this podcast, but in wherever you're gathering around the holiday season, whoever you are or aren't getting to see that there is a growing sense in your life that you're a part of family, both with the podcast team here, but also with the people in your life, that God is really creating healthy relationships for you. And the. That's, in my mind, the outcome of Christmas, the outcome of Christ coming, is to bring us into his family. And hopefully that also translates into family with one Another. And so Merry Christmas to everyone. And I hope and pray that it's a time where you're really sensing growth and joy in your relationships.

Yeah. So in that theme, we had Heather Kolb, our content manager and speaker and all around genius on staff on with us to talk about giving the gift of our health to other people.

Yeah. And so crucial, because like we've been saying already, this is a time of year when, frankly, a lot of us aren't very healthy. Whether it's how much we eat, how much we drink, the change of rhythms. We've. We've talked about it around here that it. It's trigger season, affectionately or not affectionately called the season of relapse. Because of all those changes, there are doors that get open to old behaviors that sometimes surprise us. So we wanted to give people some thoughts today about how can we move towards health and how do we make self care a prior in a way that isn't withdrawing from people, but making us more available to them?

Yeah. So I think this is going to be a nice quick one for you. And we do hope that this is a gift to you this Christmas, that your health is important and that other people benefit from it. So it's a good one. Enjoy. Heather, thanks for being here.

Thank you for having me back. Merry Christmas to you both.

Yes. Yes. So if you are listening to this on the day it comes out, it is Christmas Eve, which is, for me, the normal time that you start listening to Christmas music. But let's not get into that.

But other people, they're escaping their family craziness.

Oh, my gosh.

I better listen to a podcast before I go crazy. We are here to help you.

You need it. Okay, so let's just dive into what we want to talk about today. We at Pure Desire are often quoted saying, and a lot of it usually comes off one of your sessions in one of our Pure Desire conferences, the idea that your health is the greatest gift that you can give someone else. So we say that a lot. We kind of want to talk about that today. So let's just start with what do we mean by that?

So I think that that's one of the things that as we pursue health, that it naturally is going to spill out into, you know, how we live life, we don't necessarily think of it as a gift that we're giving other people, but honestly, the more that we, you know, get healthy, whatever that looks like through our thought processes, through our behaviors, it really is something that we, of course, are giving a gift to ourselves. But there's no way that it can't change, you know, how we live life and that living out that health is really the gift that we end up giving others. Whether it's, you know, our spouse or, or the way that we parent or, you know, any of those things. When we change and grow, you know it's going to impact others.

Yeah, I think about if you're giving someone a gift, like you're giving it to them for their benefit or their enjoyment. And so if your health is something that other people will benefit from or other people will find jo or purpose or like anything, if it adds value to their life, then it is a gift to them.

Definitely one particularly. Wow, that's. I didn't know how hard that word was going to be to say, particularly if we're talking about like emotional.

That's staying in the episode, by the way. All of us will know.

Never, never using that.

This is the gift listener for you.

That'll be my new attempt for 2020. I just came up with my resolution. But no, when we're talking about like emotional, mental, spiritual health, I think about how important self awareness is. That growth in self awareness and a quote that I've used before by Peter Scazzero in his emotionally healthy books about that. Most people, particularly most Christians, are very self conscious, but very few are actually self aware. And I think about how important self awareness is in relationships, that my ability to understand how I'm feeling, why I'm feeling it, where it's coming from, and to start to have relationships where I'm able to respond appropriately, I'm able to be aware of maybe what they're going through, what I'm feeling versus in so many relationships we just react, just bang, bang. I just, you say something that makes me feel triggered by something and I react. And now we're in these kind of death spirals of well, he always says this and then she always does that. And so I think about what a gift it is in relationships. If I can respond knowing what I'm feeling, knowing whether or not you had any part in creating it, or I'm just being triggered or responding to something else. So that to me is a way to really think about the gift I give of am I enjoyable person to be around? Am I someone that's safe to talk to, that is safe to process with? Because if I am, then my presence or my relationship can be a gift versus like, okay, don't say anything that might trigger them. So I mean, that's just one dynamic of our health that if I'm more self aware, that's going to be a gift I give to every relationship that I'm a part of.

Yeah, absolutely. And I mean the whole reason why we're talking about this right now is because of the holiday season. We are just in this perspective or this mindset of generosity, of giving. And far too often it is a receiving type of holiday too. But I think a lot of people, especially in the church, are looking to how do we give away benefit and value to other people? And this is obviously a great way to do it.

Yeah, I mean, we often just think of what can we tangibly or physically give someone. Right. But recognize that toy or that gift card, you know, it's maybe enjoyed, but it's soon forgotten versus who we are carries over all year long. It's really the long game in terms of you want to give someone something that lasts, give them a healthier version of yourself. And so that, that leads into the next question that I think for a lot of people, they can struggle with feeling that anything focused on themselves is inherently selfish. And particularly. Dang it, I said it again. I just promised I would never use the word again.

You could say in particular, is that a different. That's like a shorthand. Yeah.

Well, now I totally lost my train of thought. No, if we grew up in a Christian home, that's where I was headed. If we grew up in a Christian home that really values selflessness, focusing on the good of others, we can feel like anything I do for myself is selfish. So how do we make that distinction between am I focusing on myself in a way that is healthy and good for others, or am I just being selfish in how I'm using my time and energy?

Yeah, I think it's actually interesting. Last night, had dinner, coffee and dinner with a new friend and his wife and then had coffee this morning with another friend. And this conversation came up multiple times, which is just perfect timing. Thank you Lord for that. But the idea of something for me like this is just kind of the rule of thumb we've talked a lot about. Like if this activity makes me a better person in community or pushes me toward other people, that's healthy. But if it's something that I'm using to isolate and move away from. And the way I worded it this morning, and I'm not really even sure why I did, but I think that for me, my personality, I like to probably, like most people, avoid pain. And so for me, if I am pursuing self care or health, but really it's Just to avoid pain, then that is not self care. That's not caring for myself and then in turn giving the gift of my health to someone else. But if I'm going over here and like, let's say working out is a really healthy thing to do, if I come back and I'm fresher, my perspective is like, is clean and is right. If I feel like I'm ready to now have this difficult conversation and working out gives me that ability or gets me to that place where okay, I'm ready to sit down with my wife or my friend and have this hard conversation and lean into it, then that is for me the barometer of where you at as far as being healthy. So is it pushing me into community and the difficult conversations I need to have or is it pulling me away? And I think that will help us decide, is it selfish or is it self care?

That's so good. I think that this is a topic that's really hard too for women because I think that when, especially in the church way. Yes. I think for women they have so many responsibilities of taking care of others. They're a wife or they're a mother, or maybe they're even taking care of elderly parents. And a lot of times there's realistically not enough hours in the day for them to incorporate any kind of self care. But I think that it is really important. Even if it's in a small way, even if it's something that maybe not every day but once a week I'm gonna intentionally have coffee with a friend or I'm gonna invite somebody to my house to have coffee or just like you're saying Trevor, to build relationship or whatever that looks like. And it could even mean that you wanna do something at home by yourself. And so you want your spouse or someone to take your kids for an afternoon so that you can have uninterrupted time. You looks like that it really. If it makes you a better person, a better wife, mother, friend, daughter, whatever it is, then it really isn't. It's not selfish. It's good for your mental health. It's good.

Yeah. I like what you brought up, that we only have so many hours in the day. And I remember reading an article not too long ago that talked about if we were to do everything in a day that experts in science and psychologists have recommended, we do read so much, meditate, spend time with friends like that we would need a 36 hour day that that's so to try to do everything well. But really that's what A lot of us are trying to do like, well, I got to do this, I got to do that. And we can be so just drained by our own lives that we're not aware of what does fill us up, what makes us like you both have been saying, what makes us that better person for the rest of our day. And so if, you know, if our activity or hobby drains us, you know, if we go to the gym for two hours in the morning, but then go home and we're just a sloth the rest of the day, well, that wasn't very. It may have been good for us, but that is a somewhat selfish act that. Now I'm not saying you shouldn't do that, but if that isn't a reality for you, you may need to talk with your family and say, boy, this is the day I'd really like to exercise. And I know I'll kind of be drained the rest of the day. I probably won't have energy to move that box or do those things like that should be communicated. And if the family knows, oh, we're okay with that, that day. But on the other hand, if that workout at the gym or that time having coffee with a friend or getting an extra hour of sleep will energize the rest of your day, what a blessing that is. If, you know it makes you a better parent and a better person, then we have to carve out that time. And we've talked about this before on the podcast, that there still needs to be healthy dialogue in a marriage or family to say, hey, you know that when I get a run in, I'm going to be a better dad the rest of the day. So what if tomorrow morning I got up at such and such time or what if while the kids were napping I did that? So if there's a shared plan, then the people around us can be a participant in our self care versus feeling like our self care always infringes on maybe their self care or their ability to be a healthy person. So I think that's just the dynamic we have to be aware of, is that everything we do affects other people. We're in relationship. And so even as we pursue self care, we want to be aware of how that impacts other people. But when we see that it contributes to health and better relationships the rest of the day, then we're wise to carve out that time and make it a part of our day.

And I, like, I still am working this out, I think a little bit biblically, theologically, doctrinally, but that Idea of when Jesus said, love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and love your neighbor as yourself. For me, I've heard it taught that that implies self care. That implies that as you would care for your body. And I don't think about, I guess like the fringe stuff. I think of like sleep and food and what I need in order to get through the day. So for me, I'm willing to say right now where I stand, I would say it's almost a biblical. I wouldn't say requirement, but I would say it's something that if you look at Jesus, he slept, he ate, he took care of his own body. And if Jesus isn't right, can he do everything that he needs to do and be present for the people who he needs to be present for? I think the same is true for us, that if we do want to be someone who cares for people around us and we're not taking care of ourselves, which I think goes back and this is something that I see a ton in our friend group of wives who are just like bending over backward to do all these things but not taking care of themselves. Like we're creating basically unhealth, but we're like preaching it as something we should be doing. I think the self care has to be a part of it. And I think we see that modeled in the life of Jesus.

Absolutely. So when we talk about the way that our health impacts other people, what does that really look like?

You know, what comes to mind for me is the direct connection, at least more often than not a direct connection between healthy life or healthy self care and our attitude. I know for me that when I'm engaged in good disciplines, getting good sleep, having time to exercise, I'm spending time with the Lord, my relationships are getting good time and focus, My attitude is just better. And if I come home at the end of the day and my attitude is I'm engaged, I'm happy. Like our whole family dynamic is better. And you know, the joke is out there. Happy wife, happy life. And it's only funny because of how true it is that it's true in a home, that if the mom's attitude and her demeanor is down, like the whole family's like, whoa, mom, something's up with mom. And I'm even seeing it now with our teenage daughter. And having a teenager is a trip and she's got man moments when she is like high highs and low lows and when she's on her high highs, the way that just impacts all of our Kids and our family dynamic, there's more laughter, there's joking. It's just like, man, we love being a family. But when she is kind of in this cynical, critical. Every word is kind of this, like, it just. It affects everybody. And so I look at that in my own family and just know that that's happening everywhere.

Yeah.

So if. If health equals attitude, I just see that's how we impact other people, that when we're healthier, our attitude is better. And that doesn't mean automatically it makes other people's attitude better also. But it sure does help, you know, it sure increases the likelihood that it'll rub off on them and they'll be like, oh, man, they're in a good mood. So I'm in a good mood. And now everyone is being kind of lifted to that place versus being drugged down to my negativity if I'm stuck there.

I think the culture, too. I mean, you just think about if you are part of a culture in a household where it's all about getting healthier, working on ourselves, improving growth, then what that does is just breeds more of that. Like, if you're in a household that's like, you know what? This is the way we do it. And we're not gonna grow, we're not gonna move, we're not gonna change growth, and change is gonna be really difficult to do in that. Like, you don't have the environmental factors that cater to growth. So I think that you're also setting the stage for not only is my health affect you directly, but also helps you and create an environment, your own health and your own growth. So I think culture, even in the household, can be affected by that.

That's a good point.

Absolutely. I think that it also includes being honest and transparent, especially if you're just trying to work on something, you know, but to let others that, you know, either a spouse or a friend help you through that. So sometimes when people start their. Their healing journey, one of the things that they'll recognize is, okay, I need some healthy boundaries in place, but I don't know how to do that or I don't know what that's going to sound like. And so, like, Nick, you had mentioned about, we have a tendency to react instead of respond, but if we want to practice a better response, then what does that look like? How do I do that, and how do I bring other people into that to help me figure out what that's supposed to look like? I think that that's really a way that it not only impacts Us, but others around us.

It comes to mind how important it is again to have the support of people around us as we're working on our health, because it's going to. And if they can feel like they're a part of it, what a difference that makes versus if they just feel like, well, there they go off doing their health thing again. Meanwhile, I'm left here. And so in the coming year, if, like for example, you're looking at you want to start gardening, well, if currently you don't have a garden plot, you're going to have to till up some soil or build garden boxes, you're going to have to put some money into it and some time. And if your spouse or family are unaware of that, a lot of it to them will feel like, well, what's mom doing? Or what's dad's new thing? But if you could go to them and have a conversation like this where you say, hey, I really feel like a healthy self care thing for me would just be to spend an hour a day working on developing a garden and here's my thoughts and ideas and would you help me and what would that look like then? If they're on board, then it kind of becomes a cool thing. Because inside I think all of us want to help others. And if you come to me with a vision or idea for something that's healthy and good for you and I can help, I'm going to want to do that. But if I just find a credit card statement where you spent $300 on, you know, some plant thing and be like, what's going on here? And even if it's all for the same reasons for you, why does dad.

Get a pedicure every other week? I don't understand.

Then I'm going to feel like I'm on the outside and I'll be bothered by it. So that communication just within relationships is so crucial even as you're pursuing health, that others can be on that journey with you.

Totally. Well, let's take a quick break in the conversation to talk about a new giving campaign that we're running right now. We're here the end of 2019. As we're moving into 2020, we wanted to encourage those of you who've experienced freedom to consider an opportunity really to give others the message of hope and freedom. And Nick, we've titled this opportunity Free People. Free People.

Yeah. We've been playing off the theme that we know to also be true, that hurt people, hurt people, that we have a way in our unhealth of passing that along, whether intentionally or unintentionally. And so as. As God brings freedom and hope and redemption into our lives, a major part of our healing is how do I pay that forward? And we hope that people are seeing ways in their families, in their churches and their community that they're paying forward their health. And we also see that contributing to the ministry might be one of those ways that God prompts them to pay it forward. And. And we really can't do what we do without the partnership of hundreds and thousands of people. And this is a huge area to bring change into the church. And we know we can't do it alone. So we just, we want to invite people to be a part of that. And particularly at the end of the year where they're looking to give, to contribute. We hope pure desire is on their radar. Because if it's impacted your life, help us impact more lives. That's really what it's about.

Yeah. And if you are interested in, interested, feel moved, convicted, anything to give, just go to PureDesire.org FreePeople so, you guys.

We'Re talking about some really healthy stuff here, really good stuff for people to focus on, but it might feel a little theoretical, like, yes, be a healthy me and give the gift of health to others. Great, put that on a mug or a T shirt. But what does it actually look like, practically speaking? So for our listeners, let's give some practical ways or things that we could do to help give this gift of health and not just, you know, wait for people to see that we're healthy, but maybe proactively allow our health to be a gift we give others. What would that look like for people right now?

Yeah, I think practically pursuing your own health, like, I think the idea of it being a visual thing, which is what we're talking about a little bit. Like, if you're going to group, especially in this arena, if you're going to group and doing your faster scale and working on the tools and using those not in a way that is like, hey, come check out all this stuff, but in a way that is still pretty visual. You know, I think I've been trying to really work at spending time in the Word every morning. And there's something too, and I've heard people say this before, that they grew up and their parents left their Bibles in the middle of the room and they could see that it moved around, that it was in use, and even that, like, just visually communicated something. And so I think the idea of allowing what you do in Your self care to be visual, allowing it to be something that. Because I. And I love what you're talking about, Nick. Because that idea, that is really practical. If you think about as my kids get older and I start to do like for me, something that's self care for me is going to see a movie. It just, for me, it just, it's a break from life. I'm not busy for that two hours or whatever. And I'm just like enjoying something that I've enjoyed for most of my life practically. When my son gets old enough, let's go see a movie together. Like, let's go hang out and do this. And this is just something that we do to have fun and rest and relax. That's really practical, just inviting people in. I think too, a practical way is, I mean, just for me, another thing is just inviting my wife into that too. Then maybe it's not. Maybe it is a date. Maybe that's what you need, self care. It's just a date to go spend time and do whatever. But I think too, we're talking in our house about like what does it look like to establish a sabb in our house and really make some really specific boundaries around how we use our phone, what we do with media, what we do with that day. And I think that that can also be really practical. So my only answer, invite people into it.

Yeah, and that's so good. I think that it also includes some of those things that we've already mentioned, you know, like getting enough sleep every night. I mean, sleep is so good for us, our brain and our body. And yet the majority of us adults, we don't get enough sleep. And so it is being intentional about getting slee and eating right and the relationship piece even. I think sometimes for moms who stay at home and they're around kids all day, but at the same time, they need adult time. They do need adult time. Absolutely. But really, how much of that time are they spending intentionally investing in relationship with their kids? And so a good practical step would be to say that, okay, I'm gonna spend five minutes totally invested in the relationship that I have with my kid every day and see how that creates relationship. I think that those kind of really powerful tools are there for us when we are intentional.

I think another thing we can do is share some of the outcomes of our health with people around us. And I mean, this is an area Trevor, I feel like you really excel at. You're an avid reader. You've always got something new that you've heard about and you're reading and you're sharing insights with me, with others on the team. And I appreciate that a lot because a lot of those books I haven't had time to read yet or they're on my list along with 15 other books.

You're busier than I am.

Yeah, but it's those thoughts of like, oh, yeah, that's really cool. I hadn't thought about it. And, and even I could see you or others, you know, sharing about the, the movie you watch, like what stood out or what was fun. You don't want to be a plot spoiler for those that plan to see you are a terrible person if you're a plot spoiler. Yeah, but, but just allowing that to become part of what you bring into conversations. And not, not in a boastful or bragging way, obviously, but just integration. Listen to what happened while I was out running or this thought that, that came to me, that what we think about this. And I think that is a way that others feel like, you know, I should read that book or I'd like. And that's the second thought that comes to mind for me is out of a place of health in our life, being able to ask others, how could I support what you would like to do? Boy, I had a great run this morning. Are you hoping to run today or. I was so grateful.

The answer to that is no.

Just examples. Just examples. Right. But if you said, boy, this week I had a great guys night out, are you going to get. Is there any time you and your friends could go out in the near future? It's kind of seeing that what's helpful for me, and it may not be the exact same thing for you, but that I want to support that in your life. And so then I'm giving my health in a way that you feel supported to pursue your self care.

Yeah, that's good. I mean, I think that's the idea of you're creating space for others to pursue it and creating that culture. And I think that if you do that in your marriage, your kids are going to pick up on that and see, oh, this is something that not only should I be doing for myself, but how can I help other people grow as well? Which I mean, I think is the vision of discipleship is helping other people grow and to be more like Jesus. And if we're growing holistically in our health, then that's what's happening. So. All right, so let's end this. It is Christmas tomorrow. And that can be super triggering and super Exciting all at the same time. And so what encouragement will we give people just in this holiday season as we're going into a day full of family and just probably craziness? What would we encourage them with in this episode with?

I think it's to be intentional and to really take the opportunity to do something that's new, choose one thing that you want to do. And really that's so unique. It's based on our environment and what's going on around us sometimes. I was recently talking to my son who is in the military and he's on deployment during the holidays, which is super hard. But he was feeling convicted about really how negative his attitude was and how negative the people around him were. So he just decided to, you know what? I'm gonna practice a positive attitude and I'm not gonna let my circumstances get the best of me. And which it is. It's so cool. But then he, in sharing that with me, he invited me into that and I thought, oh, that's a great one. So I'm gonna work on that one too. But it's just one of those things that, like you said, does it create relationship? Are you inviting other people into what you're doing? And then that is also helpful with the accountability piece because, you know, it's one day at a time, one step at a time for all of us. But yeah, it's great.

Yeah. What comes to mind for me is how important it is to recognize and then manage expectations. I think in particular around the holidays.

We crushed that one. That was so just clap it up for me.

Some self care there. I lost my train of thought again. No, in particular around the holidays, how we do have expectations that we're not always really consciously aware of, that we think it's going to be the perfect family gathering or the perfect meal where everybody just is so polite and laughs and tells stories and helps clean up afterwards. And when that doesn't happen, we can become very triggered or emotional or frustrated or angry. And it's really not about the people around us. It's somewhat a lack of self care, of not even managing or understanding my own expectations of that moment. And so the voices I'm hearing, and I'm speaking from experience and in my own life, the need to do this, I become shameful of what I'm not living up to or what others aren't. And so then the negative messages are stirring up of what's wrong with me or what's wrong with our family or how come this isn't met. And a Lot of it comes back to unrealistic expectations that myself or others will always be perfect and we're not. And I think one of the greatest ways we overcome those expectations that really can defeat us is just to look at how we walk in gratitude. And we've talked about it some today and on a lot of podcasts in the past, just how important it is to recognize the good, even if it's a really small thing of man, the mashed potatoes turned out great today. And even if everything else is a wreck. Like, what was good? That one conversation I had with my uncle. I don't think we've ever talked like that. Or was it the beauty of a sunset? Was it snow that fell? Whatever it is to notice those things and appreciate them, and for the things that don't go perfectly, that don't meet our expectations, to be able to hold those loosely and just let go of those expectations so that we can enjoy and appreciate what is actually happening. Yep.

I think one of the really practical ways to enjoy what's happening is to just put your phone down and be present like that. That's literally my goal tomorrow when I'm sitting with family and trying to just enjoy the stressful season. Right. Like, whatever. Like, I think just be present. I think that there's this. We don't have a schedule, so it's okay for me to just roam free. And I'm not even talking about, like, sexual addiction. I'm just talking about being present in general. Like, are you on your phone, scrolling through everyone else's. You know, look what they got or what they're doing for Christmas. Or are you present in the moment with the people you love the most, in this moment with them, just enjoying each other. So my practical advice, Holiday season, just put your phone down. You know what? Turn it off. Turn your phone off.

See what happens after you listen to the podcast.

Well, I mean, if you are listening to this on Christmas Eve, then, yes, tomorrow, turn your phone off. Or as soon as you're done with this, turn it off. Guys, this was good. Short, quick, well done, and Merry Christmas to you both.

Merry Christmas.

Yeah. Thank you very much.

We hope that you or anyone you know understands that pure desire really is here to help create a roadmap for your healing. If you or someone you know is looking for help, you can go to our website, PureDesire.org and start your healing journey. And if you haven't subscribed to the podcast, please do keep the conversation going, write a review, help others find it, and never stop being healthy.