131 - New Year, Renewed Rhythms

You're listening to the Pure Desire podcast. Your safe place to find hope, healing and freedom from sexual addiction, betrayal and relationship issues. And a happy new year to you. I am your host, Trevor Windsor and you are listening to episode 131 of the Pure Desire podcast. The first episode, 2020. Here joining me as always is my co host, Nicholas J. Stumbo.

I can see clearly now the rain is gone.

I love singing ones.

I. There's quite a few of them, aren't there? There are, but hey, you know, 2020, perfect vision. See clearly, right?

I just, I continue to go back to. Every pastor is going to have at least one 2020 vision. Right? Like the first sermon in 2020 is going to be setting course for a new vision of the kingdom. We make fun because we're both pastors, but that's okay. We're excited to start a brand new year of podcasts with you listener. We're super excited and we want to start really want to chat through a couple quick things before we get into the first episode of 2020. The first one, if you're not subscribed to the podcast, please do it. Don't wait. You can find us on all the major platforms.

It's 2020. I mean, who's not subscribed to our podcast?

Exactly right. So unless you have like 800 podcasts you're subscribed to, we need to be 801. The second thing, follow us on social media. We're on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, we're on YouTube. It's @ PureDesire. PDMI is our username. And then the full episodes are up on YouTube, as I mentioned. Just search Pure Desire Ministries. And then, Nick, let's talk a little bit about. We've now finished a decade, right? 2019. We have finished a decade. Let's talk about what 2019 was like for us a little bit.

Yeah, it was a really strong year for Pure Desire in some ways. You look back at a decade and say the best news is that we're still here to survive and thrive as a sex addiction and recovery ministry is not easy. And by God's grace and his goodness, there have been so many people that have been a part of what we do. God's really used the material. That's what I think of first, that there's now groups actively running in over 750 churches around the country and even around the world. And you know, we've had groups that have started meeting in Australia and Europe and South Africa. And so that's exciting. And then adding to that our new online groups platform that today I think we've got 25 groups that are up and running. And so people who have no access to a group in their local area have been able to join with a qualified leader who's taking them through the material. And the way we just see that that can catalyze groups going back into the local church. So that. And in our vision that every person would have access to a group at least within, you know, a 30 to 60 mile range of their house where they could go for healing and recovery. And so I see that as being a significant part of that, having some new resources come out with our recovery workbook for women unraveled and seeing the way that that's connecting with really a whole new generation of women who come to a safe place to be able to say, this is my story. It's not just a man's problem, this is a woman's problem too. And women, I think, have some maybe unique ways that their struggle looks or can feel compared to men, but it's just as real and just as damaging to relationships and to the kind of life they want to live. And so it's great to see that happening. And Rodney and Tracy Wright's book, how to talk with your kids about sex and really providing a resource to parents that so valuable to help them really address the culture of their home and their relationships. And those are just a few things that come to mind. You know, being able to add a couple of staff here and grow some of our counseling offerings. There's. There's a lot of good things happening. And I think it's just again, a testimony to the vision God gave Ted and Diane Roberts really over 20 years ago. But, you know, it's been the last 12 years that we've been a nonprofit. And seeing. Seeing pure desire grow to help more people has really been exciting.

Yeah. And we are really excited about 2020. There's a lot of really cool things. And so we're excited to start the year, start the year with a new podcast. And so we started the year sitting down with Heather Kolb, our content manager, neuroscience brainiac on staff. And we talked about in the new year, how to create new rhythms in our life.

Yeah, I think that's the truth of the human experience that we all want to change. Right. There's things we'd like to improve on. And that's.

It's running, which you'll hear in the episode. That's why we don't.

We use that as an illustration quite often. Not Necessarily the truth of the change you guys are making? Unfortunately, yeah. No judge, but no. The challenge I think we all face is we can't always see clearly back to the intro how to make those changes. And so that's why resolutions are popular. It feels like this year I'm going to do it. And it becomes a try harder goal that often we don't get there. So what does it really look like to develop for the long haul? A new rhythm, a new pattern in our life. And I think today's episode can really give listeners some things to wrestle with. And that, that might be the challenge of this episode is it's not 1, 2, 3, and now you're a new me. It's like this takes time and, and we try to wrestle with what does that look like to move in the direction we all want to go.

Yeah. And I, I truly believe this episode is going to help that conversation is going to move some things forward and really help us all create some more rhythms in 2020. So enjoy the episode. Heather, Happy New Year. Thanks for being here.

Happy New Year to you guys.

We've now entered the year 2020. Insert whatever sound effect you would like, whether that's ominous or exciting or happy. And we're in a new season. New year, people. New Year, New me. Change is all around New Year's resolutions, New rhythms. They're super fresh. And so today that's what we want to talk about.

Sounds good.

Sounds like a good plan to me too. Wasn't there a movie called 2020? Is this the movie the year when.

Yeah, the Mayan. I thought it was.

No, a movie with Nicolas Cage where they set off inadvertently some cataclysmic weather event and they have to load four gigantic ships and Am I okay now? I'm gonna have to look this one up. But anyway, that's great. Let's dive into what we're here to talk about, which is all about developing healthy rhythms. Now, a lot of people around the new year are thinking of goals and resolutions. And as we all know, those tend to be short lived. But we want to talk more about a rhythm. And by the way, is there any more difficult word in the English language to spell than rhythm? I seriously was 40 years old before I could spell rhythm without spellcheck. But what is the difference between having a healthy rhythm and working to develop that into our life versus setting goals or having a resolution for change?

So I've been spending some time listening to a couple guys. John Mark Comer and Jeff Bethke are two guys that I've been listening to, reading through a lot, and Jeff Bethke in his had this, this quote, and I really liked it. He making this differentiation between rhythms and goals. And he said that one is about the end, the other is about the present. One is about doing, the other is about being. One is about results, and the other is about process. And so for me, goals are the black and white. Those are the things that, like, you know, one example I've heard, it's like, I want to be a runner. And so you can go out tomorrow and run, and that day you have reached your goal, but then if you go out the next day and decide to not run, then that day you are not a runner. So in that sense, you have failed. And so that's like a goal where rhythm is like, I want to become a runner, which I personally don't. We've talked about this.

This is a surprise.

Yes, I'm a little hurt by that, but it's going to be okay. The idea, though, is it's about what am I becoming? Right. What is that process? What is that? Like, rhythms are ongoing, and I really like that. I think a goal is like, what do I want to accomplish? And a rhythm is who do I want to become? And so I'm excited about talking about this just because of that, because I feel like I'm finally. That switch is being flipped in my brain where it's no longer what can I accomplish or what achievement can I surpass this year? It's what type of person do I want to become? And then placing rhythms in. In place to be able to have that happen.

Yeah, that's a great way to think about that. I agree that a goal tends to be something that I want to achieve, but it has an end mark. Like, I want to lose 20 pounds, something like that, which is a great goal. It is a great goal. But I think that, like you're saying a rhythm is something that is going to be like a new pattern or something that's going to be reoccurring in my behavior, that is going to not just be something that, okay, I finally reached it, I'm done, but something that, okay, this becomes part of my lifestyle. So, you know, even just something like, okay, I'm going to. I'm going to eat healthier, that becomes a rhythm, not necessarily a goal.

Yeah. I think what we're looking at is the hope would be that goals become rhythms. In the losing 20 pounds, if I develop a new rhythm of how I eat or exercise or the kind of foods I Eat or the frequency or amount, all those things. If that becomes my new normal or rhythm, then it's going to have an ongoing effect versus if I just accomplish that goal and then, you know, celebrate I did it. You know, we go out to Haagen Dazs ice cream and celebrate that we lost £20 and in the next month put it all back on. And that's honestly what we see commonly happening, particularly in our Western culture. That does tend to be very goal driven. You know, we're very three oriented on the enneagram as a society. It's about achievement and success and posting on Facebook, our accomplishments. But if it's not an ongoing rhythm, we'll just be often back where we started. And so I, I think the purpose of this episode is really looking at how do we get. Goals are about having motivation for a season, where I think rhythms are about having a value system in place that just supports a lifestyle. And how do we get there? Because in some ways it is harder. It's one thing for me to have a goal for a great month of health or exercise or whatever, but to have the motivation day in and day out just for a lifestyle has to go deeper. And so where does that come from? How do we get there? I think that's what we're trying to get at today.

Yeah. So what we see at the beginning of this is you usually have to identify an area that needs change. And that's usually the reason why we want to implement a new rhythm. You know, like, I don't implement a new rhythm wanting to do drugs because I know it's bad for me. Like, I know I want to implement a new rhythm for health, for me to grow as a person. But first we have to identify what areas of change are needed in our life. And I'll be honest, I struggle with this. And so let's talk about that. How do we identify those areas in our life that need changes, that then we could implement rhythms to change? How do we. How do we identify those?

And that's a great question. I think that for many of us, we could see things like, again, looking at something as a goal that I want to do, something that's for me that's personal, that is something for my own edification. And I think that those are easier things for us to establish a rhythm of that I want to spend more time reading or writing or something like that. I think that it becomes a little bit harder when someone else brings to your attention an area that might need. That you might need to develop A new rhythm. And even though it could be really good, and because this person loves you and wants you to be the best version of you, but I think that those are a little bit harder. And so for me personally, and you guys know this about me, that exercising on purpose is not for me at all. But I know that, that even in something like that, that's going to be a new rhythm that is going to draw me into relationship with others instead of looking at, okay, what is it that sometimes we develop rhythms that keep us away from others, you know what I mean? And I think that that sometimes can be a good indication of maybe what we need to be developing.

One of the things that comes to mind for me that's in a lot of our Pure Desire workbooks is that cycle of addiction. Or we could even just call it the cycle of relapse. And that doesn't even necessarily have to be sexual because I know we have listener. They listen in because they're more on the betrayed spouse. And they don't feel like they have an addiction. But I'm guessing they could look into their life and say there are negative relapses, whether it's anger or binge eating or whatever it is that they would say, yeah, I've got kind of a pattern. And so I think when we're looking at developing healthy rhythms, we've got to be willing to pause and really address where are my unhealthy rhythms? Because that's probably why we want to change to a healthy rhythm, because we can see I'm in a negative rhythm. And maybe so, for example, if our rhythm is that we routinely stay up too late at night, maybe binge watching TV or just on social media or, you know, we just don't feel like going to bed. And so we're going to bed 1, 2 in the morning and not getting enough sleep. And then we wake up tired and groggy. And maybe then we're more prone to procrastination or being angry at our kids. And that creates a lot of relational dynamics that are negative all day long. And so then at night that need to stay up late because that's a place where everyone else is in bed and we get kind of this free space. But now we're just in the cycle that's happening over and over. So if you can see what those patterns are, then you say, well, where do I need to change? How can I adjust to a healthier bedtime rhythm and what time I get up and then how I treat my kids? And so it's really taking kind of that holistic look at your life to say, where am I? Stuck in negative patterns. And really, to be honest, about what are the rhythms that are keeping that pattern in place. Because then that can give us some real insight into what would a healthy rhythm look like.

I think that at least on the front end of recovery, if you're listening and you feel like you don't even know where to start, how to even identify that, I think a really simple and easy way is find somebody in your life that you respect, that you see is growing and is maturing, becoming healthier. That holistic healing, not just one area, but ask that person, what do you see in my life that you could change? You would change right now. What are some new rhythms? And so instead of waiting for someone to come to you and be like, hey, you're super unhealthy, and like, you really need to start practicing, you know, doing exercise on purpose. Right. Like, instead of waiting for that, because that's going to be a difficult one. In the act of asking somebody, there is like a posture of humility where you're placing yourself underneath that person's, you know, authority that basically you're giving them in that moment, saying, hey, what would you suggest I do? And I think that that could really kickstart some self awareness. And then you start to get some traction, like, oh, okay, sleeping patterns. Got it. Nick mentioned that to me. That makes total sense. And it's like, oh, you know, I get up and then I'm immediately on my phone like, okay, maybe I need to pull. So I think that that idea can start kickstarting some of that stuff.

Yeah. And I think it comes back to the relationships we have that we want to do some honest self assessment of our lives. But that can be tough to do without the help of others because we all have blind spots. We have things we're stuck in. And if you've got trusted friends or a family member, a spouse that you can go to as part of this to say, hey, I'm. I'm really on a journey. I want to be a healthier person. What are patterns or rhythms you see in my life that work against health? Because they probably, if they're close to you, they can see, well, you know, that that daily Coca Cola you're drinking at lunch doesn't seem to be a part of your health. Or they may see things that, to us, and that's what Pat makes patterns and rhythms. Rhythms is that we just begin to do them without having to consciously put a Lot of thought or effort into it. So if we keep that in mind on the negative side, we may not be able to see what needs to change.

Right.

Others can help be a part of identifying and helping us move towards. What does that healthy rhythm look like?

I love those commercials, those Snickers commercials. Like, you're not you when you're hungry. And those friends who are willing to reach out to be like, bro, eat a Snickers. You really need to start acting like yourself again. And so I think that surrounding ourselves with those kind of people is going to be super helpful in that.

That's a good friend.

We're going to take a quick break and talk to you about our online groups. We are now in a new decade. Crazy, right? Crazy. And with this fresh start, this fresh year brings a lot of new opportunities for growth and health in our lives. And, Nick, one of the best ways we've both grown in our own sexual health is through group, right?

Yeah.

And so I think what we see is that there are. There are a lot of men and women who have the desire to jump into group and start their healing right now, but they don't have groups in their area. They don't have people at their church who maybe are ready to lead or are willing to even jump in. And so that's why we have created this online platform for people to jump into groups.

Yeah, that's right. You know, my experience in group for the first eight years was as a leader in a local church, and then we moved to the Portland area and there weren't groups in our local church. And so I started leading an online group. And I would say at first I was skeptical because it was like, you know, meeting over the Internet and video. This is going to be awkward. It's going to be weird. And there's always the technology side of it that you got to make sure everyone's videos are working in audio, and inevitably there's going to be someone's Internet's not working. And. But once you get through that and you're actually all in a video hangout together, I was amazed at how quickly it felt personal. There was connection, and I was able to share my story with other people who understood what I was working on and could share theirs with me. And so that is really my encouragement for anyone listening who hasn't had a group experience yet. There's probably a lot of reasons that you've given or come up with why not to. But I think you will find a healing community beyond what you expected. And so here we are at January and many of us are motivated to change. We've called the holidays the season of relapse because there are all kinds of challenges with vacations and family of origin and being out of our rhythm that maybe right now someone listening is in a place of vulnerability and humility that they haven't always been, that they're looking at their life going, something's got to give, something's got to change. And I think our encouragement would be to say the best thing you could do rather than just buying more books and more, you know, self effort. I'm going to try harder. This is the year I change. If you're not doing it with other people, the likelihood of success is just. It's really, really slim. And so that's why we have these online groups now. I'd love for them to first look and see, could I engage with something nearby and go in person. But for a lot of people the answer to that will be there's nothing around me. So that's why we have the online groups and it's a great place to go and really dive into your healing in a new way.

And we have certified pure desire group leaders that will lead you through this roadmap to your healing. They are charged with groups for that reason. We're charging 49amonth for people who are struggling and $29 a month for betrayal groups. And we do we just encourage you to explore this option because this could be the thing that really sets a new trajectory in your life. If you're interested in looking at these online groups, go to groups.puredesire.org now back to the episode.

So once we've identified areas that we need to establish new rhythms, how do we really go about doing that so that we're seeing growth in these areas?

Yeah, several things that came to mind in thinking about how we actually begin implementing new rhythms. Once we've done that honest self assessment, I think we need to be realistic about how quickly we can change something. Back to my illustration of if you're a night owl who's been staying up way too late 1 2am you're like, well, I'm going to bed at 9pm Every night and that's my new rhythm. Like, well, good luck. Your body's probably not even going to know how to do that. Like you're going to have to work your way towards that time. So being realistic and putting a focus on progress, not perfection. And I think that's again a difference between a goal and a rhythm that in a Goal. You're really measuring my perfection. Did I do it or not? It's like, did I achieve this mark? Did I get there? Where a rhythm is about a progress towards that and, and learning to be gracious to ourself when we don't do something perfectly or maybe something isn't changing as quickly as we'd like because that's going to be a reality. Rhythms take time to get to that place where it just is part of our natural way of doing life that will be a journey. And so focusing on progress, not perfection. And then what came to mind is really thinking about the holistic nature of life that we all tend to make goals or try to look at rhythms in one area, whether it's our spiritual life or some are real focused on the physical and losing weight or getting healthier, others it's, you know, mental and taking classes or it's the relational, emotional side of friendship. And I think when we look at rhythms, we want to see how do all of these things work together. And if, if all the rhythms I'm looking to develop are only about like my physical body, but I'm not aware of unhealthy patterns in my relationships or my thinking, I'm likely not going to make much progress physically because that's only one aspect of my being and my thinking. So really looking at rhythms to say how do all of these work together rhythms do I need to have mentally and relationally if I'm looking to change something physically? And what comes to mind for me too when you're talking about a new rhythm is to look at what will be the support I need around that change of life. Because to go back what we've been joking about, like if you were going to become a runner, let's say in 2020, and I do love to run, it's one thing to say, well, I'm going to start running X number of miles a day or a week. Well, that's actually only one component of running. There's the, the diet that you choose to have during the day, there's the amount of sleep you're getting, there's the kind of shoes that you're wearing because if you go out and are wearing your, you know, your an old pair of Converse, that's going to feel very different than if you've got a brand new pair of Hoka Hoka 1 ones and how those will feel. That's Hokas are the new running shoes.

That's a new character in the Mandalorian. Him too. Yeah, right.

And also the Kind of clothes you wear if you're out in an old pair of sweatpants versus actual running pants, There are things that really support and enable that rhythm. And we kind of all make the joke when someone goes, they buy all new running clothes and running shoes, then they never run. There's definitely that side of life. But there's something to be said for if I'm developing a new rhythm, what else will I need around that rhythm to support. Support it.

Yeah.

So I'm not just trying in isolation to make this one change without seeing how maybe the rest of my life is set up not to support that. So creating the rhythm may involve a whole bunch of smaller changes that could support the rhythm you're looking to develop.

Yeah, that's super good. I was thinking like an example of that is like how I'm eating dictates how I feel. And so if I know that I'm going to, which I'm not, right. This is hypothetical in quotation marks. If you're not watching this, right? If I want to become a runner and I know that eating, I feel lethargic when I don't eat well, then that's a small change, is like, what am I eating before I go on a run? Or maybe I'm not eating before I go on a run and eating after. Something like that. Another thing that I just was thinking through, and this is something that I'm doing. I know that I just tend to be a better version of myself when I get some quiet time to myself in the morning, Whether that's reading, praying, like reading just a book, like spending time listening to podcasts, whatever it is. And for me, I found success in scheduling that, like putting it into my daily ritual when I start the day, and this is my example, I get up at 5i. This is specific time just for everyone who's out there, right. I get up at five, shower, get ready, eat breakfast, make coffee, and then at 5:30 I sit down. I've scheduled out an hour and I leave the house at 6:30. So I schedule out an hour to read, to pray, to do whatever, however I want to fill that devotional time, that me time to start the day. And if I only go 15 minutes and I'm done and I feel like I'm okay, then great, I go to work and that's fine, I can move on early. But I still have created that time to where I now wake up. And that's just my. It is the rhythm now in my life to get up and at 5:30, sitting down on the couch with my coffee, a glass of water, pen, and my Bible and journal and all that. So, like, for me, it's become a rhythm because I put it into my schedule and was intentional where if I didn't have it in my schedule to start, it wouldn't have become a rhythm. It's like, well, I can just fill my time with whatever I want. When I look at my calendar the next day and I see, okay, 5:30 to 6:30, this is the time each day that I have this in that just helps me get into that mindset when I wake up.

That is so good. I think that, Nick, you also mentioned this a few minutes ago about our automatic processes. And I think that that's really when you start to see change that is happening in your brain, that you're developing new rhythms that your brain is adapting to. And, and it becomes not a negative part of your thinking. But this new rhythm is now something that is a positive thing because you're changing the neural pathways in your brain to support that new rhythm that you're doing. I think that that's really important.

Yeah. Another thing that comes to mind as you guys are sharing is how vital in my life over the last 10 years, being in a group has been particularly the end piece in making a commitment to change. Because the big rhythm change there for me early on and for many people starting their Pure desire group is they don't want to be stuck in this pattern of pornography or masturbation or lust or fantasy. And that's a big change. And you can't just make that your commitment every week. Well, I'm not going to do this. I mean, we know that, yeah, that's what we're trying to change. But the commitment each week is to say what is your most significant challenge this week in working towards that new rhythm. And so week in and week out, I began to identify, you know, maybe this week it's a really heavy time at work, and I know it's going to be emotional, it's going to be draining, and I'm going to be looking to seek out entertainment or things that make me feel good. So this week I need to have a healthy plan of what's appropriate entertainment or appropriate ways to kind of get that, that, that, that let down and, and be able to relax and recover after a heavy week. So. And then the next week, maybe it's vacation and so there's no work pressure, there's no stress, but there's a lot of free time. Well, that week I'm gonna Have to have a plan to deal with free time. And when you look back over the course of six months or a year, as I found in my first experience with the Pure Desire group, you look back and see it's been six months or it's been a year and there's been no relapses. That's great. But to ask the question, how did I get here? It wasn't that I just determined not to look at pornography anymore.

He's tried harder.

It's that week in and week out I looked at what were the little pieces of the rhyth them that needed to adjust and change. And having that just continually in mind, I think was a game changer. So I would encourage anyone listening whether you're in a group or not. I think if you're trying to develop a whole new rhythm, because this is for the long haul, it's to break it into chunks and say, well, what's going to need to be my focus this week? And then really going after it for that week and then next week look at another commitment.

I used to make fun of him all the time. My old principal at the private middle school I went to used to always ask the question, how do you eat an elephant? And we're just like, oh my God, here we go again. Like he's gonna say it, but then he'd be like, one bite at a time, right? And it's like, it's cheesy and it's stupid, but that's exactly what you're talking about. Bite sized chunks. Like you don't take a whole pot roast and shove it in your mouth at once because you probably would die and suffocate, like that's not a good idea. But if you want to savor it, enjoy it, and that hunger to have it, you know, taken care of, it's one bite at a time. So that's so good.

That is good.

So we've already talked about how most New year's resolutions by February 1st have come to an end. They fall off the table. They're just not sustainable. So when we're looking to develop rhythms, how do we ensure that we're creating long term change and not just going after something that we Forget about by February 1st.

Yeah, I like that one because it's so true. I think that I. Even the last few years, I don't even set a resolution because I know myself so well. I know I'm a terrible person. I know. But I think that so often when we set something, a resolution or a Goal, it's based on our feelings. And I don't think that that's necessarily a good place to start when we're wanting to create new rhythms. And I think that it needs to be based more on a practical plan. What can I be successful with? And I think that the way that we decide that, okay, if I'm gonna start exercising an hour every day when I haven't been exercising at all, that's not gonna work. But if I create a practical plan, something that definitely I can achieve, then I think I'm gonna be more successful. Something that's like, okay, let's start with 20 minutes, three times a week, you know? And I think that it's important too, that to recognize that our brain likes routine. Our brain really does adapt quickly to things that we put in place, healthy patterns that I think reinforce what we're trying to accomplish. And that's another thing, I think to keep in mind that when we're setting up a practical plan is to recognize how at some point we're going to be doing these new rhythms and our brain is going to release dopamine. That's going to make us feel good. That's going to make us want to continue these same rhythms.

Yeah, I think you said it a lot. Picking no more than three goals or things that we're pushing for at a time. Practically, our brain can't handle more than that. And so I think that that's a really easy one. Is just like I just wrote down, pick one or two. Like one or two. And maybe it's more of those small things where it's. And they're related. It's not just, I want to eat better and I want to write a book. It's like, okay, like, maybe let's focus on one area. I want to eat better and spend 10 minutes a day exercising. Something like that, where maybe they're together and then another one. And we'll kind of get into this more in another question. But inviting other people into the process is always going to be helpful. There's built in accountability for that. But then there's also. There's just camaraderie. Like, if you decide you want to exercise on purpose, I'm probably not the person that you want to invite into that, but Which I should. I'm. Now. Now I feel like I'm getting convicted. Thanks a lot, everybody. Transformation's happening right in front of your ears. But I think that inviting other people is good because. And that's why group is so important, is it's not Something you're doing alone, right on this journey to sexual integrity or if you're healing from betrayal. It's not, I'm doing this alone. And then I get to have a conversation with people about it. You know, once a week. It's no, no, no, we're doing it together, all of us. That's what group time is for. That's what phone calls are for. That's what, that's what the whole group experience is for, is camaraderie, to do things together. Because I think that that's how things stick is when it's a community thing, not just a you thing.

The thing that comes to mind for me with long term change is we've got to be willing to look at what our priorities are and be honest about what we have time for. I remember hearing a stat somewhere that if we did everything in a day that sociologists and psychologists say we should do for health, you would need like a 34 or 36 hour day. There's not time in the day to get together with friends, have time to meditate, to exercise, do self care, do something we can't. We're people. And especially if you've got kids at home and you've got responsibilities there, you've got to, even on a piece of paper, write out and say, okay, my priorities are God and my faith and then my spouse and my kids, my family and my work. And then to start to say, and after that, what else do I have room for? Because if we realize that coaching our kids, sports team and maybe some community involvement and getting to watch football every Sunday afternoon and getting to sleep until 11am on a Saturday, like if we're honest, those are priorities. And we might have to look at the list. List and say, what on this list am I willing to change? Because if you look at your list and say, well, nothing really, then that'd be an honest place to be to say, well, this is what I have time for in this season of life. Now, if we're looking to become a runner or to add devotional or exercise, I get it.

Holy Spirit, I get it.

We're going to have to look on that list and say, you know what? I'm going to be willing to put exercise or eating healthy above these other things. Because even eating healthy, that requires a plan. It requires going to the store a certain day week and making sure you have foods in place. And that's a time commitment. And so if you look at your priority list and say, I'm not willing to change anything, you May have to say, I can't right now. Develop this rhythm. I'd like to. Or if you say, well, after God, family and work, I'm willing to put my healthy eating or exercise. And you actually structure your week that way. It can happen. But I just think how important that is that we're honest about what our values and priorities are, because that's what will ultimately have to shift. Something will take a lower place. And if it's something you really enjoy, like watching football for four hours Sunday afternoon, like I do, I have to either decide I'm going to make exercise a priority before that, or I'm just not going to get to it because this is a higher priority for me.

Yeah. Okay. So I think we're talking about some really good things, and this is maybe kind of a turn back toward what we were talking about earlier a little bit. But when we're developing these rhythms and these things that we want to be a part of our daily life, what role do other people play in the development of it? Let's start with that. And then going into the long term, how do people play out in that for us?

Yeah. This is such a great question. And I think we maybe even talked about it a little bit last week on our year end podcast about if I make a plan or a goal and don't involve other people that are around me, it's going to be hard to sustain because they. I think this is what we talked about last time, that if I'm going to start eating differently and I'm in charge of shopping for my family and I come home with a whole new set of foods and meal plans that they've never heard of or eaten. You know, now I'm serving kale. Yeah, kale and rutabaga. And your kids are complaining and your spouse is growing. Like, well, suddenly your motivation to do that is going to really wane because you're like, no one cares. And yeah, but if. If up front you sat down with your family and said, hey, this is a priority of mine this year, I'm going to eat differently. And here's some ideas and foods, and here are meals, I might eat a different meal than you do, and are we okay with that? And if everyone's like, hey, that's awesome. And you know, we hear stories about kids being your cheerleader, and they're like, man, mom lost this weight or Dad's running and they're on your side, the way that just bolsters your own motivation. Like, I'm not alone. And I'm supported. I think it's night and day difference. So on the front end, I think we need those that are closest to us, that are a part of our rhythms now. Because that's the truth is whatever rhythms you have, the culture or the context of your family is perfectly suited to continue that rhythm, right? Like, that's why it's a rhythm now, because your family has accommodated it and made room for it. So if you're going to change, you're really changing the whole system. And if you have their support up front, it's more likely. And then the accountability side that we talk about so often, people that we've committed to, to say, here's what I'm working on now, and I'm going to follow up and let you know how I'm doing. And there's just something about human nature. If it's only up to me and only my commitment, then I have a lot of freedom to change it whenever I feel like it. Like, hey, today I don't feel like it and I'm in charge, so I just don't do it. But if I know I've committed to you or to a group about something I'm doing and I'm gonna have to go to you tomorrow and say I didn't do it, that's a little harder. It's a little more difficult to let myself off the hook. And I think it's just being willing to recognize the reason I'm stuck in some of the negative patterns I am is because I'm calling the shots. I'm doing what feels comfort, is easy, convenient. And if I'm going to change that, I'm going to need some help outside of that voice of control in my life. And that's the role that you or a group or a spouse can play, is knowing that I'm bringing that back.

To someone else that is so important. I think the way that you describe, you know, telling people of your plan, that is really important. Because if I just say to my husband, I think I'm going to exercise more. You know, he has kind of this approach of go big or go home when it comes to exercise. And my approach is far more slow and steady. And so just to be really specific that this is my plan, and when this changes, then I'll let you know. But here's how you could best support me in this area.

I had a group member in my first Pillars group who did this thing with his commitment to change every week. And it's interesting how profound it was at the Time I was like, you're just being lazy, I don't understand. But he would, you know, we'd process the week, we'd go through the work and he would share where he's at. And then there were most weeks he would just ask, what do you guys think should be my commitment to change? Like, based on what you've heard, what do you think I should be doing? And it's not that he wouldn't have conversation and give thought and input to it, but he asked others opinions and of course we're just like, well, you should change this, change this. No, we were like, well, it sounds like this is an area that you've been, you know, pressing into a little bit more, maybe do something around this arena or this area of life, or maybe you should have that conversation with your wife or that co worker or something like that. So I think that asking other people really is helpful in recovery, in living life in a healthy way holistically. And then also I think that idea you guys have already talked about just asking for accountability because you ask other people, it naturally is just a built in, I think, intention there that like, hey, I'm asking you, I'm including you, I want you to be with me, be on this journey with me. So I think that asking other people for what they think, maybe it's what's worked for them or what they think you should work on. And look, you don't have to take that like, you don't have to take what they're saying to be like, oh, you think that I need to go running Nick? Well, the answer is now I think I'm fat. Right, Exactly. But including other people like that, what works for you? And then also the accountability piece is huge. Yeah.

So wrapping up, what suggestions for new rhythms do we have for our listeners?

I'll go back to what I mentioned earlier. I just think that scheduling stuff is so important. I think schedule time in for self care and you know, as our staff's been pressing into the enneagram, I'm a seven, I've got no problem with self care. I can self care all day. Like that's just easy for me. And Nick's not even laughing because he knows it's true. But I think that it's important that self care becomes a priority in 2020. I think that if you want health holistically, I think that self care is a huge part of recovery, of healing, and then of setting that trajectory for future health. I think it's really, really important. And then I personally have Been pressing into soul care. What does it look like to really take care of my soul? What am I exposing it to? What formations or rhythms am I creating that's making me into the person I'd like to become? The husband, the dad, the sexual being. Like, what? What am I becoming? So I think that scheduling time for that is for me has been the most practical way to make sure that it's becoming a rhythm and becoming a part of who I am becoming. So schedule.

That's good.

Yeah. I think one that's very important for me this year, and so that's why I'll talk about it is the deep connection between feeling and thinking that we tend to think in line with what we feel. And I'm just noticing, like in particular early in the morning when I wake up, my thoughts tend to be very negative and often condemning. And I'm recognizing it's because I don't feel good. I feel a little groggy, I feel a little tired. And being a three who's very performance and success oriented, it's all about feeling good, looking good, you know, being successful. And when you don't feel good, it's like, well, I'm not successful. I'm not good at what I do. It just can get into a very dark cycle. And so thinking about for. For anyone who's looking to make new rhythms, I think addressing our inner thought. Life is. Is a huge part of life. And maybe it's. What do we think about at night when we're laying in bed trying to fall asleep? What do we think about first thing in the morning? What are we thinking about when we get in the middle of a busy day? And how could we make some adjustments by practicing the five gratitudes, the things that we're grateful for, taking some time in the middle of the day for centering prayer and just to breathe deeply and focus on a scripture verse, reviewing our personal promises about who God says we are and scriptures that really mean something to us so that our internal dialogue isn't just being driven by how we feel. Because if we can renew our thinking, then those external goals or rhythms that we're trying to change, I think will come much more naturally. And the other thing I'd encourage, you know, going back to what you were saying, Trevor. I think it would be very brave if we could go to people in our lives that we trust, that we know, care about us, and be willing to ask them the question this way, to say, what would make me a better friend in 2020? Because that's really going to give them permission to speak into our lives. What maybe they know is a little off about how we treat them or how we act around them. And what would make me a better spouse in 2020? What would make me a better employee? What would make me a better boss? Like, wherever we have responsibilities and we trust the people we're with to ask that question because they're going to observe some things that we could. And like you said, Trevor, doesn't mean we're going to do this wholesale change just because they said something. But I think that's the kind of input that can really be eye opening to say, oh, here's what I need to make a priority this year because I'm starting to hear it from a few people and I kind of saw it as a minor thing, but boy, now that I hear it from others, I'm going to go after this one. And knowing that they've said it, they're likely to be a person that would really support you in that change.

Yeah, I think with that, too. It's funny, I think we get fearful when we approach somebody thinking, oh, they're just going to have a laundry list of my stuff. And it's like the people who are closest to you, there's something about humility that when you come to someone in humility and say, hey, what do you think I should be working on? They're not just going to be like, oh, I've been waiting for you to ask me that question. They're going to, they're going to think about it and they're going to be thoughtful and say, look, this is, this is maybe an area that I see some growth and potential for you because if they care about you, that's what they're focused on, you and your health and your progression as a holistic person. Right. Like, that's the whole point. So I think that overcoming that fear on the front end is going to actually be pretty fruitful.

I think too, and you mentioned this already, that I tend to think that if we want lasting change, then we do really need to pick one thing. You know, just to pick one thing at a time, work on that for 30 days or longer to just see what kind of benefits we gain from that. And I think, especially when it comes to developing new rhythms, that if you don't know where to start, start with some of those basic things like I need to get more sleep or I need to be eating better or I need to get some form of exercise, because those not only benefit us, but it's amazing how getting the right amount of sleep every night benefits how we behave in relationship. You know what I mean? And so it really then is going to affect all areas of our lives, which is amazing.

Yeah. So 2020 can be and will be a great year if we're intentional. It can be and it will be. I just think of that idea. It's like a trampoline. We're launching off into a new trajectory of health and growth. So thanks for you guys time. Appreciate it.

Yeah. Here we go.

Yep. So much fun.

So new rhythms and new practices in our daily lives can bring about huge change and growth. We've all experienced that. We hope that today's conversation will help inspire you to put those new rhythms into your daily life and bring about the growth that really God has for you. We hope that you or anyone you know understands that pure desire is here to help create a road map for your healing. If you or someone you know is looking for help, go to our website, PureDesire.org, start your healing journey. And look, if you haven't subscribed to the podcast, do it. It would make me feel so much better. All of us, it's free forever. We promise. Just subscribe. It'll be worth it. And if you could, write a review that helps others find the podcast. And lastly, never stop being.