178 - Present For The Holidays: Emotional Awareness

You're listening to the Pure Desire Podcast. Your safe place to find hope, healing, and freedom from sexual addiction, betrayal, and relationship issues. Happy day to you. I am your host, Trevor Windsor, and you're listening to episode 178 of the Pure Desire podcast. Here joining me as always is my co host, Nick Stumbo.

Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty.

Okay, so for the longest time, I think his name is Limu. Emu.

Lemu. The Emu.

Yeah. And Doug. Right, And Doug. Right. Like, those commercials are so good. But here's the problem. I feel like I see the same one for like six months and it just goes and goes and goes. And it's like, you know, the one.

With the male model recorded new commercials.

For like six months, but the one.

Just kept hitting replay.

But it's all green screen. Right. Like, but the one, the. The one with the male model who, like Bibbidi Mutual. Like that guy who always messes up.

That's my favorite line.

Yeah. Okay, few things. First, subscribe to the podcast. If you are not, please do it, don't wait. You can find us on all the major platforms and if you'd be so kind, give us a review. It helps other people see the podcast. I have listened to I don't know how many podcasts in my life, and I will tell you that everyone says that and they mean it. When you write a review, it does actually help other people find the podcast. Second, follow us on social media, Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. All things I no longer have earedesirepdmi. If you'd like to consume video content, you can find clips of these episodes on YouTube. Just search Pure Desire Ministries. The last thing, Nick, we have started this campaign and I'm just gonna say what it's called and I'm gonna let you talk about it. So we have started a giving campaign called Stories of Healing.

Yeah. And hopefully by now some of our listeners have seen these on our Facebook page or social media or maybe even received a video through. And we appreciate everyone being in touch with us that way. And what we're trying to share is the impact this has on people's lives. I think many people even listening to the podcast are listening because in some way, Pure Desire has shaped their life or their marriage or their faith journey. And we're just so excited to be a part of that. And we also recognize that what is happening currently is still only a small, small step towards the much bigger cultural change we want to see. And the number of people we know that need the kind of hope, healing, and freedom that Pure desire gets to be a part of. And so the invitation of this campaign is just to say to all of us whose lives have been impacted, to say we can be a part of other people's stories of healing. I mean, you mentioned the podcast. Even this year, I've had a number of couples say I was recommended to listen to the podcast. And when I heard so and so share or heard Rodney's story or listen to Dan and Jen's story, it made me realize that I could be free, that hope was possible. And now I'm in a group and we hear that all the time. And so much of that is possible because people jump on board and they're a part of what we do. And one of those ways is by partnering with us financially. And we want to remind people the difference they can make. The whole point of this campaign is really about becoming a monthly partner because to me, that's so much more powerful than just one time. Here's 50 bucks. I like what you do, but to say even with my $10 a month or 25 or whatever God puts on our heart that we're able to do, to say I'm investing in the stories of healing of others. And as we do that month in and month out, I love the way Andy Stanley used to say it that you know, where our wallet goes, our heart follows. And so when I invest even a little bit of money in something, it's amazing how much more in tune I am, thinking about it, praying for it, wondering how it's going. And that's our hope in encouraging people to become more a monthly donor is to say not just that we want your money, but we want you to feel like you're a part of this. We want you to pray with us and to walk with us and to get those updates and to hear more stories of healing. So as you're seeing those videos and updates, I hope people will jump on board and consider even in a small amount or large, if God puts it on your heart. But even in a small amount, say I am a part of other people's stories of healing. And that would be awesome to know that a part of it.

Yeah. The question we want to ask you is, the question we want you to ask yourself is what story of healing could my financial contribution create? So if you want to give, go to PureDesire.org stories you can give as a recurring donor or a one time gift if you would like. All right, so we started a new series today on the podcast as we're now into December and the series is called Present for the Holidays, which, I mean, I'm sort of proud of because I thought it was fun and creative, but also a very challenging thing to do to be present for the holidays. So today we talked about being present and being emotionally aware.

Yeah. And to speak about liberty for a lot of us, we can feel that we're kind of prisoners or slaves to our emotions, that we become driven by anger or depression. Depression is a major issue in our society during the holidays. We might be driven by loneliness or all kinds of things that can just surface at this time of year. And we really believe that we can experience liberty, that we don't have to be a slave to our emotions, but we can learn to allow our emotions to be a teaching tool and a training tool and something that draws us towards God and faith and towards others. And so I really hope that's what people get out of today's episode is to think through, number one, where am I at in my emotional awareness? And then number two, how can I grow? Because like we say multiple times in this episode, there's room for growth for all of us, no matter where we feel like we're at on this spectrum.

Yeah. And we had Heather Kolb join us, a staff member and speaker who is great. She knows a lot about this area and had a lot of really good insight. So it's a good one. Enjoy. Heather, welcome back. Thanks.

Nice to be here again.

Yeah. I still feel like people maybe are shocked. Like some things are open in Oregon. If you're watching this, we are sitting in the office. Maybe we shouldn't talk about it.

We could just say by the time this airs, the way things are looking in our state, who knows? But it's good to be here today. That's true. Good to see your smiling faces.

We recorded this in November just for everyone to understand. Okay. So at the time of the release of this episode, it will be December. The holiday season will be. I mean, at this point, it really is in full swing, the holidays. And I was thinking about this. It's often presented as this fun, family filled. There's maybe a little bit of crazy, you know, depending on what movies you watch during the holidays.

But it's a family you're a part of. Sure, but.

But like the way that culture, movies, music portrays the holidays, it's this joyous time and it actually can be extremely stressful and very emotional. And honestly, that can happen whether we know it or not. And so it's. That pushes us really to whether we know it or not to want to check out, numb out, stay away from really the unwanted emotions or experiences. And so we often talk about on the podcast being spiritually, emotionally, physically present. That that's a key to living healthy. And we want to use this four week series to really challenge us all to be present for the holidays because it's very easy to check out. So today we want to talk about how to be emotionally present for the holidays. And as I was thinking about it, we're going to start with emotionally present during one of the most stressful season in the calendar year as the first one of this series. So I just feel like it's gonna be timely. So let's just start with this first question. Talking about emotional awareness, being emotionally present. What is emotional awareness? And can we give some examples of what that is?

Yeah. And so emotional awareness really is broken up into three parts. It is being able to recognize our own emotions and the emotions of others. It also includes being able to recognize and label emotions in an appropriate way. And then really, I think the biggest part of this is being able to use all of this information to guide our thinking, feelings and behavior. So that just kind of in a nutshell is what really people think about when they're talking about emotional awareness.

Yeah.

Yeah. I think I would kind of encapsulate it as it's like the what, why and where of our feelings. Like, okay, what am I feeling and why am I feeling that way? Like what actually happened in my environment? What, what occurred around me and was it actually something someone said or did or just something I'm thinking about? And then the where of and where might that be coming from? How does it link to my past or my trauma or patterns? And so just many different ways that we can experience that, or just being aware I'm feeling something. And what I see also is having the, you know, I think a buzzword in our culture right now is mindfulness. That mindfulness of that what I feel or what I am experiencing emotionally is not the same as who I am.

Yeah.

So having some separation between what I feel and my identity, because what can happen? As an example, like we might say, I, if I'm feeling really down, I might be tempted to think I'm worthless or I'm not good enough.

Right.

And emotional health would be able to separate that and go, no, I'm right now I'm having an emotion of feeling like I'm worthless. So where might that be coming from? Why am I experiencing that? And that health comes as we recognize that's my Emotions don't define who I am. To recognize and understand them is what then can help us make good choices based on what we're experiencing and feeling.

Yeah. And that's one thing I try to do, is tie especially the unwanted behaviors that I have. And I mean, I feel like I just bare my soul on this podcast for so many people. So they know that my 3 year old Brady is triggering anger in me consistently. And we're in the, you know, the three nager stage of that. But for me, emotional awareness is being able to, if I get angry or I raise my voice or I feel like, I mean, this happens often where he'll call me into his room after he's gone to bed and I'll just be clenching my teeth in my hands as I'm walking down the hallway to go to his room. If I can tie those things to what's underneath, like what feelings, you know, what emotions are there. That, for me is emotional awareness. That's a practical way, is like seeing, I don't want to be angry anymore, but if I want to stop doing that thing, I need to figure out what is it that that's motivating it. And usually it's an emotional response. And for me, practically, we're in a season where I don't get a lot of alone time. And I don't mean sex, I just mean alone time with my wife. Like me and her without our children.

Yeah.

And all the parents who now you guys both, right. Who are in this different season, or you actually do get alone time with your spouse, you're just like, oh, we totally understand. Right. So for me, what I feel like is happening is when my son asks me to come into his room, what he's doing is not actually valuing my time with my wife the same way I am, and it makes me irritated. Don't you get it? You're asleep. This is my time. And so for me, I'm emotionally responding to a sense of loss, a sense of disrespect. And so for me, I. That I've been able to tie those things to what happens with my anger. Does that solve the problem? No, but it at least helps you identify what the problem is and then make steps to alleviate it.

Yeah, yeah. It's something that we all want to, I believe, become more aware of and look to develop in our life. And so let's think about it this way. How do we know if we have emotional awareness? How do we know if we're being emotionally aware of.

So it is a process and it's not something that we will tend to say, oh, finally, finally, I'm completely emotionally aware. Because no one's ever going to be.

They just sent my degree in the mail and I now have it.

Yes, exactly. And so, because we're all going to have situations that are still going to cause us to overreact or underreact, but I think that that is a key right there. Is to just be able to look at our behaviors. And even what you were saying of understanding the why and the where and the who is really become kind of a little bit of an investigator of your own emotional state and be able to say, okay, if I'm feeling. If I'm overreacting or if I'm even underreacting, where is this coming from? And even kind of doing that analysis in your own head for a few minutes or even just to sit with this for a while, especially if it's something that is a bigger issue. But just be able to say, why am I feeling this way? Or even what am I feeling? Exactly. Because sometimes that can be harder to identify. Especially if our initial response, like you were saying, Trevor, is to be angry. But really, what is that? Because anger is going to cover how I'm really feeling. Right. And so just being able to then say, okay, what am I feeling? Why am I feeling this way? You know, is this a pattern? Do I feel this way often? Is it. You know what I mean? What is it in maybe my identity that is being kind of poked at right now that I'm feeling afraid or threatened or disappointed? You know, it's kind of this process.

Yeah.

For.

For me. And again, this idea of being present emotionally, if I am not aware or if I'm not actually sitting in and feeling the feelings that I have, I will never be emotionally aware. And so for me, seven on the Enneagram all over the place, tend to do all these different things. It's very like, I could tell you 15 ways right now. I can run away from my emotions, and I could do probably all 15 and 15 minutes and be fine. Right. Like, it's done, it's over, but that emotion will come back up again. And unless I'm able to. And this is what I've been learning in my own recovery right now, If I'm not allowing myself to feel how I feel and think the thoughts that come into my head and just run away and escape, then the manifestations of those feelings are actually never gonna go away. And it might not look like anger at my kid, but it may come out in a sideways direction in another area. And so I think, how do we know if we have emotional awareness? I think for me, the question is becoming, am I allowing myself to feel the feelings that come up in my day to day? And if not, then emotional awareness isn't there.

Yeah, I think I want to underscore what you guys have already mentioned, that everyone can be emotionally aware. It's not something you do or don't have. And we need to mention that because for some, they may have almost accepted this as an excuse or I would even say a lie about themselves. Just like, well, I'm just not good at emotions or I just, I can't recognize it. It's truly an area that all of us could grow and develop and learn in. And that to me, kind of leads to what? How do we know if we have emotional awareness? It's the amount of time that transpires between when we feel an emotion and when we become aware that we have felt that emotion.

That's good.

You know, I think as we grow in emotional awareness, it's happening within moments like, wow, I just got really triggered by some anger and the ability to kind of notice it and reflect on it. And even with the people we love and that we know love us, the ability to say that, like, I'm really being triggered by some fear right now. And I think it's because when you said this, it made me feel like maybe my job is in jeopardy. And being able to talk it like that would be a really good example of strong emotional awareness versus if someone three days later goes, I think I got really angry on Tuesday and is looking back, okay, maybe we could pause.

And we're all like, you think a little more.

And so if you do feel like you're on the end of the spectrum, that the distance, the amount of time between when you feel an emotion and when you recognize it is really, really long. That's where there's some habits you could practice of. Is it every morning or evening journaling just some of what did I experience today? Is it taking that five minute break at lunch or in your afternoon to just go for a walk and take some deep breaths and say, what have I been feeling? I know I'm feeling something, but I haven't stopped long enough to ask, what is it? And I think the more we do that, we can shorten that distance of time and we start to become aware. And it's also where I just will mention that the tool that pretty much all of our groups use, that faster scale really Is an emotional awareness tool that every week. And as you've mentioned, Trevor, you could use it every day if you want to sit down and think through what were the stages that I've been through today? And maybe some days I only got out of the F into anxiety, but other days I hit all the way to exhausted. The more we see our patterns, I think that also helps us shorten that timeframe because we become familiar with what we react to that. If I know I react strongly to disrespect, I can feel that disrespect trigger a lot quicker. Quicker. And be able to then try to manage, okay, what am I going to do with this? Because I'm seeing it and can respond differently.

Yeah. So again, you know, this idea where. And I think emotional intelligence, emotional awareness, that has been a pretty popular terminology for, I think, probably the last five to 10 years. But I think that sometimes it can often just become this ethereal thing that's just like, oh, we just kind of aspire to emotional awareness. But I think it's important to identify what's at stake if we don't have it. So how would you guys respond to that? What is at stake if we are not emotionally aware?

Well, I think that even like you were saying, Nick, that how long it takes us to even process those feelings is one thing, but then there is a piece to it of how much are those feelings gonna control us, you know, what are we gonna let happen basically in our behaviors or our thoughts and our feelings. And I remember a couple years ago, and it was around Christmas, and I was really excited because my two military sons, they were gonna be home for Christmas, and I was super excited. And then, of course, like, military things happen all the time. Then they were saying, oh, no, we won't be home for Christmas, but we can be home in January. And I was so disappointed that. And this was probably in early November when I learned that. That I didn't want to do anything. I was just, like, done with Christmas. I was. I was so disappointed that it then was so. It controlled me. I was not vested, and I love Christmas, but it was just. I think that I couldn't even wrap my brain around this level of disappointment. And so I just avoided it. I didn't even. I mean, I didn't get decorations out. I didn't put up a Christmas tree. And it wasn't until, I don't know, maybe even two weeks before Christmas, I was. I was. Because I was so sad and disappointed. And. And then my younger son, who is still at home, he's like, okay, we need to get a tree. We need to do these things. Don't you want to do this? And then I realized that, okay, my disappointment is now affecting my son and it's affecting my, my home and my husband and, you know, which was really helpful for me to snap out of it. But I was really having this disappointing party by myself of just, you know, of this feeling that I could not even do anything with.

So yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking about, Heather, that it, it robs us of the joy that is present in this moment. Because no matter what we're feeling, anger, disrespect, loss, loneliness, there are still good things. You know, we talk about the five gratitudes each day that we could look at and see. Well, in spite of what happened here, I've still got a lot of joy that I can find. So it can rob us of that present moment, but then also the way it can wash over onto those relationships and people around us. And I was thinking of a couple of examples like if you're going to your in laws and you're not aware that you have a trigger about the job that you have, and maybe your father in law is kind of insinuated that what you do is a lame job or he doesn't respect you and then you're there with your family and your father in law says something like, well, how's that job? And the way he says job has just a little barb in it. If you're not emotionally aware, you may immediately be triggered to anger, respond in a very negative way, cause some kind of conflict that now either he shuts down or you do or people have to leave the room. Well, now the whole gathering is impacted because you allowed a moment that you weren't really prepared for to take away from what maybe was going to be an enjoyable night with the rest of the family. So the awareness could say as you're heading towards that party, like, you know, I'm aware that it seems like my father in law doesn't think highly of my job and he may say something, but even if he does, I'm going to do my best to take a deep breath. I'm being present with the rest of the family, with my wife supporting her, and that moment could be navigated much differently. Or I think of another situation I've heard of where kids opening their Christmas gifts and maybe they're disappointed and how that can trigger for parents a sense of like, you're so ungrateful and why don't you care about what I do for you? And just what you were saying, Heather, now they get kind of lost in Christmas morning is quote unquote ruined because their kids weren't grateful.

Right.

Well, that doesn't have to be the case. Like, as a parent, we could be emotionally aware and go, okay, maybe that was a miss. Maybe there was some expectations they had that because their kids weren't realistic. And I'm going to take a deep breath and move on and we're going to enjoy the rest of what this morning has to offer. So I, I think in both those examples, that's what I would point out is just the way we can allow moments that really could be small. They could be just, okay, it happened, I'm aware of it. Let's move on and really blow them out of proportion and rob a lot of joy from what could be the rest of that time.

Yeah, I think just, I mean, the phrase that keeps coming to my mind is that you're actually perpetuating the issue by avoiding it. And so there aren't a ton of examples. I know this to be true. I think I'll try to kind of put one together. But I can see that if I get triggered by. Because this is what happens with me and my 3 year old. If I get angry, he also does. If I get big, he gets big. And when I get big, what I'm doing is I'm reacting out of a negative emotion and unwanted emotion, which is actually showing a very limited amount of emotional awareness. In that, in that moment, all I know is I want control and I want to mask what I'm feeling. So I get angry and then he gets angry. And so if I'm not able to identify my emotions and then get angry, what I'm doing is I'm modeling to him that that's what you do. You get angry and you don't actually figure out what's going on. And so if I continue to do that, I'm just, I'm actually not dealing with what's happening in my life. So I'll continue to get angry. And then as I continue to get angry, my son will continue to get angry and not actually look at what's going on. And so I can't come up to him, let's say we do this for like a year. And then I come to him like, so what was motivating that anger? And he's just like, I don't know, dad, you were mad at me. So I got mad. Like, for me, that's like legacy that I'm creating in a negative way. I'm creating a negative legacy of a lack of emotional awareness and just reactive. And I think maybe that's what it is, is that I continue to be reactive instead of intentional and proactive with making healthy decisions for my life.

Well, the silver lining though, in the story you just told is you can likely see as a dad that your approach there didn't work, that I got angry, they got angry, and it got worse. And our brain can kind of go, okay, I need to figure out a different strategy here. I think the problem for a lot of us is our emotional triggers work, that we get big and someone else gets small and can be controlled or manipulated. And so it maybe has a long term damaging effect. But in that moment our brain goes, well, that worked. That pushed away what was uncomfortable or what I didn't like. And that's part of what we have to have the awareness to look into and say, where am I choosing to give into an emotion to win the moment, but I'm kind of losing the journey or the relationship long term.

Yeah. Because my brain is literally taking notes like, oh, we'll use that next time. And it's hard because in that moment there is this feeling like I've somehow accomplished parenting because he has submitted. But then at the same time, I also have this, like, Dr. Ted, you know, on my shoulder saying, like, you're hurting the relationship, you're not actually helping it. And I think what's funny is when those two things also collide in my mind, that actually makes me angry too, because then there's shame that's built into that. And so for me, I've had to identify almost a second layer of emotion or maybe a reactive layer where I have that first level of anger and masking unwanted emotions. And then because I have that, then shame kind of gets dumped on. Like I'm literally dumping shame on top. And so for me, it's just this, you can enter in whatever word or description you want. It sucks, basically. It just makes it worse.

So we're already kind of leading into this just the impact that our emotional awareness has on others. But let's talk a little bit more about that and maybe even getting into more the positive side of who does emotional awareness affect and how does it affect them.

So I would say that emotional awareness affects all of us because we all have emotions. And so that part to me is a no brainer that the how part is a little bit interesting. So even Trevor, what you were explaining about how you get angry and you get big with your son and then he reflects that back to you. That is actually called reciprocal interaction. And it is a very natural thing for us to respond to what we look at. So if somebody smiles at us, we naturally are gonna smile. Oh, they're nice even. Yeah. But it just seems to be this, this innate ability of ours. Whereas if somebody's angry or is perceived as threatening, then we become alarmed. And the issue with that, I think with the how when it comes to emotional awareness, is that if we're more aware and we know that, I mean, like for Trevor, if you know that your 3 year old is going to not go to bed and he's gonna disrupt you and has these, all of these beh for you, then to be emotionally aware means that you need to behave differently. You know what I mean? Because really, I know, I'm sorry. But if we though, are going to break this cycle, then we have to be really emotionally aware enough to recognize that this is really about having healthy control over my emotions. You know, and I've been there, done that with having three kids and you know, all of that. But it's. Yes, dozens of stories, but it really is a, that, okay, what can I do to change this pattern? And I think that that's key in really, I don't know, changing the way that we respond and building or growing in that level of emotional awareness.

Yeah, the thing for me, it's a culture thing that the culture in the home. I have a friend, a pastor friend of mine, who has said it really clearly that anger is the only acceptable emotion that men are taught, at least culturally. That's, that's what we see. I think it's changing a little bit. I don't know if I could say it's changing in the church, but I think it definitely is changing outside the church. That having this wide array of emotions isn't negative per se, but I think that that's what's modeled a lot. And what's funny is in that example I'm giving, I am modeling anger. But I think that that's what's cool is that if you start to address and become more aware of all like the spectrum of emotions that you experience and are able to create a culture where that's okay to dialogue about them and you're using language in descriptions of why you do what you do that are tied to emotions. I think what that does is create a culture. And then that culture becomes, you know, for me, then I'm raising two sons that grow up being Aware that emotions are very central to the way that they act and what they do and how they treat other people. And to know that if you're having issues in the way that you act or you treat people, okay, it's because of emotions. Let's go back here and look at it. So for me, it's creating a trajectory for the people in my house and creating a culture that I hope would be sustained over the long haul.

Yeah. What comes to mind for me is how it sets the tone. There's so much marriage material out there that talks about the importance of those first minutes when you get home and reconnect with your family or your spouse. And I think a lot of that is we. What you were saying about reciprocating those emotions, we tend to reflect what we're given. And so if I get home grumpy and moody from a long day, and I just kind of walk in burdened and distracted and a little, you know, on edge, it doesn't take long before it feels like that tone has permeated my whole family versus if I, you know, I get home in my car, if I'm emotionally aware, to know, okay, this is where I'm at. But a recognition that I have a choice.

Right.

I don't have to act on my emotions. I can choose to act differently. And some might say, are you faking it? Faking it till you make it? Is it just a performance? I get maybe those concerns because we don't want to be in a habit where we're just always faking. Oh, I'm happy if inside were hurt. But on the other hand, there's some health to. I don't have to act out of this place of my emotions because, yes, I had a long day at work, maybe I'm drained, but I can make a choice before I go in that front door to say, when I get in the house, I'm going to greet my kids, give them hugs. I'm going to ask my wife how her day was and when it's appropriate. I may need to download some of my work day, but. But the tone I set is a choice I can make. And it's just choosing to look at what kind of emotions do I want to pass on to the people I'm seeing. So that's. That's where awareness, I think, impacts everyone around us because we are tone setters in whatever environment we're in.

And I think that what I'm just from our conversation so far, that communication about emotions is so important because our spouses Our kids, our friends, our community, they need to know where we're at. Or we. I think it's almost this two way street where there is benefit in me sharing how I'm feeling. Because I know for me as a verbal processor, I actually hear out loud for the first time, maybe for that day. Oh, that's really where I'm at. Maybe this is why I've been thinking or feeling this way, but then also allowing that space for someone else to reciprocate that, like, thanks for sharing how you feel. Here's how I feel. And those tend to be maybe more beneficial conversations than the just like, I'm fine, I'm fine. And then you go your separate ways. So I can see how important communicating emotions is to all this.

Well, and then even I think having that level of emotional awareness that I don't have, I don't know only six emotions, but I know 50 emotions. And I know we talk about this a lot and we use the feelings wheel in our resources and in fact you can get like a three foot by three foot feelings wheel and mount it. I mean, if this is an area of struggle, it's like, let's just work on this as. Work on this as a family. You know, let's put it on the wall for six months and see what happens with that. But it really is just being able to say more than I'm feeling angry or I'm feeling sad, but mad sad, mad sad.

That's all I know.

Right. But being able to just really process and then like you're saying, Trevor, to be able to communicate, it's huge.

And watch inside out. That's what you should do. Watch inside out. Right after you listen to that.

Well, there's only five emotions in that.

Movie, so that's true. But discussion, definitely a good one. Yeah. Okay. It's funny as I was, as you're saying that, I remember there are times where I have asked Brady, why did you do that? And really what that is is like, what were you feeling? And he'll just be like, well, dad, the Flash just wasn't there for me and Batman didn't help me save the day and the Joker won. And it's like, okay, that's not real. I love you so much for living in that world. That's not real. But I'm understanding that even though it may not feel like we took this huge step forward, at least he's still kind of like, well, this is what was going on emotionally in me. Batman and Flash didn't show up. What's up, man? Like, and that even in that, I just want that to become a part of my household, that it's okay to talk, it's okay to be this way. Even if Flash and Batman won't show up, Batman will always show up. Just so everyone else, let's kind of take that. That question and more apply it to the holidays. So when walking through this season, what are the benefits? You're spending a lot of time with family in close quarters. There tend to be a lot of. From what I have experienced, there can be a lot of unsaid things that are kind of bubbling under the surface. So how do we. What are the benefits of having emotional awareness during this crazy, busy holiday season?

Well, I think that you actually may be able to achieve some level of peace during this season, which is a great goal. But I think that, like you were saying, Nick, that it really comes down to choosing it. You know, that we can't choose other people's behavior, but we definitely can choose ours. And if we're going into a situation that we know that there could be, you know, that it could be more stressful, that there may be our unspoken things that we just choose. Okay, this is gonna be my attitude. This is, you know, I'm gonna have these positive emotions, you know, in practice, even. I mean, I think you talk about.

Mental rehearsal all the time.

Yes.

How powerful that is.

Yeah, it is. And so if that's what. What you need to do, that you're even gonna go through that process of visualizing yourself at the event or whatever it is. I mean, there's more that we could do that we'll continue to talk about. But it's even just deciding or, like, having that mindset that I'm going to be emotionally aware first of my emotions, then of other people's emotions, and then really, like you're saying to be present, to not shut down if something happens or go sideways.

I'm not going to eat that whole bowl of stuffing. I'm not going to eat that whole bowl of stuffing.

Well, and I think this year in particular, 2020. So if someone's listening a couple years later, to put it in context, you.

Remember 2020 listener, don't you?

The COVID situation might radically impact people's Christmases. That. Or Thanksgiving and traditions that we have come to love may not happen.

Yeah.

You know, those concerts might not occur. That Christmas party might not happen. Those guests might not travel into town. I mean, all kinds of things. And so what will happen? I think for a lot of us, there will be some deep feelings of loss or disappointment or what you said about your sons, like, well, why even bother? And, and I think it's really important in emotional awareness that we're able to just express that. Because if we can do that, it will invite other people in our home or our friend circles to do the same. Because I. I really believe we need to be able to support one another through what will be a very unique time. And yes, I think there's wonderful opportunities for joy and celebrating, but it may all look different this year. And so to be able to ask ourselves beforehand, what are my expectations or what am I hoping? Because if what I expect or hope doesn't happen, there will be loss or disappointment or frustration. And so if I'm not prepared for that, I think there will be a lot of people maybe just upset or like you said earlier, shaming themselves of, you know, it's the happiest time of the year. But I'm a mess, and why am I so sad? And why, why can't I enjoy that I'm on vacation for Christmas? Well, it's going to be different this year. And so I think we have to give ourselves a lot of permission to feel all the feelings and to talk about them. And in that, we will be able to then, I think, focus on what are the good things, what are the places we can find joy and gratitude and maybe create a new tradition. But if we get locked into a lack of awareness of what we're feeling and the loss and disappointment, I think we could just kind of stumble through this whole holiday season and feel like, boy, I was just off the whole month and I don't think any of us want that. So just being prepared that this may be different, and that's okay. Yeah, let's all talk it through and be aware of what's going on together.

I think considering I just was thinking about what I tend to focus on or think about when I'm walking into a celebration, whether it's a Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, Christmas Eve celebration, something like that, I tend to walk in thinking about what I'm going to get out of it. Am I going to enjoy this? And I wonder, what if we took a shift and we thought, how can I best help others have the best time that they can? Or how can I. How can I make sure that I am a positive influence in my family's life when I walk in the door? And I think that a couple ways that come to mind for me is just working on yourself is always going to benefit other People, that's not why you do it. But it's just this beautiful fruit of working on myself and my own emotional awareness. And then kind of a practical step of that is I think that gratitude is contagious in a way that I consistently forget or underplay where if I walk in and it's not something that I'm like trying to convince you to be grateful by how grateful I'm trying to be, but it's just focusing on the things that you do have. Like, this is something that. And it's beautiful to see. And this is what I love about parenting, is there are moments where my son's praying and he's thanking God for our house and that daddy has a job and that he's got toys. And it's just like, well, shoot, I've just been missing it. Like, I've been so bitter about these things. And I'm not saying to your point, like, we should grieve and we should be communicating disappointment if it's there, or at least being aware of it, but I think at the same time, like, look at what we do have and focus on that and be grateful. And again, not as a way to, like, manipulate people, but I just think that it's. It's contagious, it's infectious, that when I'm grateful, when my three year old's grateful, it's like, oh, I should be more grateful. Like, I think that it's. Those are really practical things, working on yourself and being grateful. But I think that that could be a way to shift the perspective from what do I want out of this holiday season to how can I best be a great influence or an encourager of someone during the season?

Yeah, that's really good.

The Holy Spirit just convicted me of.

What I just said, and I'm just.

So excited about it.

Well, and I think that's the point of this episode, that we all need this, right? This isn't just for, like, those few people that need emotional awareness. Like you said at the beginning, Heather, there's room for all of us to grow and to learn and to practice these things. So as we look at this holiday season, how could we grow in emotional awareness during what could be a stressful, unique holiday season?

Well, and one of those things that, and we talk a lot about this on the podcast, but it really is, how are you going to be proactive, you know, that you're really going to not just respond in your emotions instead of reacting, but what are those other things that we need? You know, like, are we Getting enough sleep? Are we eating the way that we should be eating? Are we getting exercise? Are we, you know, focused on really good self care? You know, all of those things because you can have, you know, great emotional awareness, but if you're sleep deprived, it won't matter. Right. So. Because you're going to be more reactive instead of just responding. And, and I think also when it comes to even those little things like when somebody says something that that could be stressful to you or even a trigger that you just pause and count to five in your head and you know what I mean? Those kind of things that can go a long way when it comes to this season and communicating our emotions.

Yeah. Last night we were over at some friend's house and I was talking to two other guys who've been through group and one of them was just sharing how he hasn't been able to sleep very well for an extended period in his life. And he recently started putting his phone away and doing box breathing and was talking about how beneficial that is. And we were talking about how for some reason how difficult it is to remember or to prioritize things like that. We were talking, talking it through and it's kind of one of these things where it's like, well, people who have like anger issues and are depressed and are alcoholics, like, those are people who need to like practice breathing and like take a minute. But what we talked about is that actually is not true. The people who are the most healthy are the ones who prioritize things like that. And so I think that stopping and even though it's going to feel super weird, especially if you, even if you've done it for 10 years, stopping and just breathing for 5 minutes is still kind of weird. Like I'm a go getter. So it's like, well, what am I missing out on? What can I be doing instead? So I think that taking like you were saying, maybe five seconds, maybe five minutes just to breathe. And then I'm reading a resource right now about anger and ways to manage it and heal it. And one of the things it talks about is this has to be done in a breathing exercise where you actually envision yourself sitting on the side of a river and you're watching these petals that are on the water go past. And what is on the pedals are your emotions and your thoughts. And as you're going. And this was something I love that you said earlier. You actually identify what they are. Identify. Is that a judgmental feeling or thought toward myself or toward other people? Yes, or no. And then just once it's out of your view, it's gone and you're just moving on to the next one and you're watching, you know, and it sounds super weird, but I've tried it and it's kind of cool because it's just like you realize how much is actually going on under the surface. And the idea of actually identifying those feelings and identifying, is it a judgment toward myself or someone else helps me, I think, differentiate what are. I think, like what are negative emotions or things that I'm wanting to mask and maybe some things that I need to address later on. But it's just one of those things where they talk about being a non judgmental observer and our impartial observer of your emotions. And I think that if you can practice maybe something like that. I know there's a lot of other things out there, but practicing stuff like that can help you grow an emotional awareness because you're actually sitting on the river of your emotions and you're just watching them go by identifying them. Which again sounds weird, but I think it could be helpful.

Yeah, I think with that a couple of things that we can really make this a major part of our prayer life. Because believing that God's Holy Spirit lives in us, just having the prayer to say, lord, would you help me to see what I'm not able to see about myself, about what I react to, like give me new eyes to interpret my circumstances and what I'm feeling so that I can learn to respond better. And prayerfully journaling your thoughts and believing that God really wants to help us grow our emotional awareness because then we'll be more able to connect with him and others. And God made us for relationships, so we know he wants to answer a prayer that would help us increase in relationship with him and others. So I think throughout these weeks, just making that a daily prayer of Lord, make me aware of what I'm feeling and what's driving me. The second thing, and it kind of relates to what you said, Heather, that I would encourage is trying to look ahead and be predictive about what am I likely to experience. Like, I can tell you at some point in this holidays I will feel not good enough, that I'm not doing enough to either put lights on my house, create traditions for my kids. I mean, whatever it is, like, because you'll see it on a movie or social media and be like, well, darn it, I'm pathetic compared to that. And I can get lost in all the comparison of what more I should have Done. And I knew I should have bought more lights, and I should have. When the sun was out, I should have put up those and not waited. Now it's rainy. If I can be aware that's something I'll probably feel, then I can also think ahead to say, okay, what will I do with that emotion when it comes? Are there a couple of things that I can control that I am going to choose to do and then let the rest of it go? Or am I going to choose to be off social media more thinking through that? I also know it. At some point, I will probably feel like I don't have much energy and I've beat myself up over that. Like, well, here I am on a break. I shove all this energy for my family and I feel kind of low. What's wrong with me? And okay, so thinking ahead again, if I have a day, I just feel low energy. How will I respond to that? How could I help my wife? Just be aware. That's how I'm feeling. And so I think for all of us, if we took some time or even talked with our family, like, what's likely to come up this month, that could create strong emotions. And then let's have a plan for what to do about it. You know, if you're going to see relatives or fan, you probably know already the argument you and your whatever relative are going to have. And I would just ask the question, do you want it to go the same way and have the same outcome? It always has. Or could you say, this year I'm going to believe in faith and through prayer that it can have a different outcome because I'm going to be aware that I don't have to be triggered by the anger or the fear or the sense of disrespect. I can choose a different route. And then, you know, believing God will help you in that moment. So I think for all of us, and we won't see everything coming and we shouldn't beat ourselves up if an emotion hits us blindsided. I mean, that's part of emotions. But I think there are some probably common ones that we'll see coming a mile away and just taking the time to think through them, talk through them, and be ready to have a better response when they come.

Yeah.

Yeah. That is so good. It's funny that you mentioned about praying for our, you know, even that the Holy Spirit would help us, because I remember having a relationship that was such a strain for me every time I had to see this other person and. But my prayer in my IMMATURITY was, you know, lord, help that person not to irritate me, you know, instead, change them. Exactly. And so. But then when I started praying for my behavior, you know, that. That I would love this person despite this strain that we have, and, you know what I mean, those kind of things, that's when I saw change in me, you know, and. Which was amazing. And so it. It works. Be sure that you know how you're praying for one thing, you know, but absolutely.

And our relationship has always. Has just never been the same.

Exactly.

It might be me.

I don't know. Okay, so. Though this season can be difficult, being present for the holidays is one of the best ways to move forward in our health. In the area of emotional health, as we talked about, it's not possible to maintain or create it without emotional awareness. So don't numb out or avoid this part of the equation, because whether you want it to or not, it has a significant impact in our recovery and our healing and how your family functions. Go. So whether it's sexual, relational, emotional, or physical health, being present for the holidays is essential, underlined three times to maintain our health for the long haul. Heav, thanks for spending time with us and being here.

Yeah, this was great.

Wherever you're at on your journey, pure desire is here to help create a roadmap for your healing. You or someone you know is looking for help. Go to PureDesire.org and start your healing journey today. If you haven't subscribed to the podcast, do it. If you've already subscribed, please write a review. It helps others find the podcast. And lastly, never stop being healthy.