182 - 2020: In Review

You're listening to the Pure Desire podcast, your safe place to find hope, healing, and freedom from sexual addiction, betrayal, and relationship issues. Welcome to the last episode of 20 20. I'm your host, Trevor Windsor, and you're listening to episode 182 of the Pure Desire podcast Here, joining me as always, my co host, Nick Stumbo.

Son of a Nutcracker.

I don't know what it's from, but Christmas movie.

Oh, you know what it's from?

Son of a nutcracker. Is it from Elf?

Yes.

Okay. That's just the safe bet, right?

It's like the classic. You know, I don't think in any of my intros in December I did a Christmas theme, so we needed to end with one. And I'll make the tie into the episode in just a little bit here.

Okay, so we have a needed episode for today. I really do believe this. But real quick, subscribe to the podcast. Just do it. Don't wait. 2021 is the perfect time to catch up on all 182 of our episodes and do it in one week before 183. It helps other people see the podcast if you write a review. So if you could do that, it means a lot to us also. We would so appreciate all of you who listen, and we want to know you better. And that's one of the things that we, as we put on this podcast. We don't know who listens. And so we want to get to know you sometimes. Sure. But we want to to know you a little bit. We have a listener survey for you. And so it's like how you found the podcast, how long you've been listening, what types of content you want us putting out. And so if you could fill this survey out, go to PureDesire.org podsurvey that's P O D the word survey. And I'm feeling generous. I'm gonna give out three of our podcast mugs to people who fill this out. So go fill out the survey. Pure. PureDesire.org podsurvey lastly, follow us on social media. You can follow us on Facebook, Twitter, instagramuredesirepdmi. And guess what, people? We're finally putting full episodes back up on YouTube. So you're welcome.

Okay.

Actually, this is. Lastly, lastly, we have been doing a campaign called Stories of Healing. Nick, why don't you talk to the people about it?

Yeah, hopefully a lot of people have seen one or more of those testimonies that are up on YouTube and on our Facebook page. And it's just couples sitting down talking about how God redeemed their story and created healing. And man, I got to be a part of the interviews and I still kind of tear up when I watch them because it's amazing to hear how God worked and those stories were possible because at just the right time, someone heard about pure desire could help them. And that's made possible by the generosity of so many people that are a part of what we do. And so I want to first say for many, many people who've maybe watched the videos or throughout the year, you've already been a giver, you've made a donation that means a ton to us because we do rely on that in order to see the growth and expansion. Yeah, we charge for our products, but that covers the products we produce and the groups we run. But to really grow, to increase, you know, like the way we tell stories through videos and to get into foreign languages and so many of the places where we just know help is needed, it's through the generosity of others. So that's an encouragement as people hear and watch these stories of healing that they'll be sparked to say, you know, I could be a part of that. And through a monthly gift of any amount, you get to have a little bit of a piece in other people's healing. So we'd love to have people consider that. And at the end of the year here, you know, making their year end gift or doing something that they can apply in their 2020 tax return, that's always a great thing too. So we'd just be honored if some would make that their year end gift and, and help create more stories of healing.

And just consider this question, what story of healing could my financial gift create? Go to PureDesire.org stories okay, last episode of 2020 and looking back on the year, we talked about a lot of really good stuff. I mean, we started in 2017, so we're wrapping our third year. And so it's. I mean, we're over. I can say it confidently. We're over a million downloads and just we love getting to do this. But 2020, even though it was a good year, was a year had some challenges.

Yeah, well, and just like Buddy the elf who went through a candy cane forest and left the North Pole and showed up in New York City, you know, he arrived in a world that was very different from everything he knew and he didn't understand the rules or how to do things right. And it was a challenge.

Yeah, the yellow ones don't stop.

Yeah, that's right. And I think the similarity for us in 2020, like, this was not the world or the year we expected, and the rules changed and we didn't always know how to navigate that well. And maybe for some it led to some big trouble and problems. Maybe for others there were opportunities. It really was a mixed bag. And so I think our goal or hope today is just to give people a moment to pause, to take some deep breaths, to look back at their year and ask some really important questions of what did I learn? What can I gain from this? And how can I readjust as I look at moving forward into another year?

Yep. So we put the year 2020 in review, and I think it was a really good episode. So enjoy. Nick, it is the last episode of the year 2020.

2020. The end of a decade, man.

Can you believe that?

Yeah. Another 10 years just rolling right by.

What a weird way to end a decade.

Yeah. You know, I think we're all hoping this magical page turn will occur in 2021 and just be like this fresh new, you know, like newly fallen snow and everything will be perfect. But, you know, I'm a little convinced that 2021 will, at least at the beginning, look a lot like 2020.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I have no doubt, I may be of the mind that 2021 is going to look almost identical to 2020. We're just going to have another old guy who's the president. He's new.

Stay hopeful, my friend. Stay hopeful.

So, also wanted to. For the first time ever on the Pure Desire podcast, we now have our producer, Justin Watson, joining us for the episode.

Hey, guys, we're pumped to have his own microphone.

That's right, I have a microphone.

There's a camera on here.

Not that I needed a microphone, but I have one.

That's true. That's true. Though if people listened to a few episodes before, Nick would say, you said shout out. Yeah, like a good neighbor. You could hear Justin staple. You could hear him in the background time.

I think that's right.

So now he's not just an extra on set. Now, sir, you are in the production.

Quite literally no longer a background vocal.

That's true. That's true. Okay, so we wanted to end the year by looking back on.

Not that this is going to become a normal thing. Listener. If you hate it, let us know.

And I'm already regretting this. Okay, so we wanted to end the year by looking back on the craziness of 2020, though, you know, as you mentioned, Nick, we probably want to just kind of sweep 2020 under the proverbial rug. That isn't the healthiest thing to do. We know that. So we want to put really 2020 in a review and talk through it just together.

Yeah. I think at the end of any year, it's good to be reflective, to say, you know, what went well, what didn't, what did I learn, what can I adjust? And maybe more so than ever with the way 2020 was. That's an opportunity, I think, that all of us can take advantage of here is just to. And what we're going to try to do in this episode, look at what can we learn from what was a very different year for most of us and be willing to analyze that so that God could use it for good as we move forward.

Totally. So 2020 for a lot of people, arguably one of the craziest. I mean, I would say, personally, I don't know if there's been a year that I felt that so much was out of control. All at the same time, I think that there's power in just identifying why something specifically this year was so diffic. So apart from the pandemic and health crisis, because I think that's pretty easy to measure in some ways. Some people would argue that statement, but what are other ways that 2020 has been rough for people?

Yeah, well, and you guys added a move and a new baby. I mean, as if there wasn't enough in 2020, you just like amplified it. And I think that may be the case for a lot of people is that normal life has stressors and things that are challenging. And so you kind of lay all this additional stuff right on top of that. And it can feel like a weight or a burden. But the things that come to mind for me change. And these are all things we know to be true. Change creates stress. Even good change, healthy change creates stress because it disrupts our rhythms and our systems and our ways of thinking. Fear. Fear creates stress. Fear of will I get sick? Will someone I love get sick? Fear of will my political party get elected or not? And what will that do to the world or the education system or just maybe whatever we hold to be important to us. That can create stress. If there's fear there. Conflict creates stress. And I think we're seeing on social media and in so many places, whether it's about, again, politics or wearing masks or various ways data is being interpreted over the virus, there's just a lot of conflict. And it feels like it's on the surface for people in a way that it never has been before. And the unknown creates stress, and I could keep going. But all of this, as you hear me leading towards that, we're really experiencing a time I think unlike anything most of us have ever seen in our lifetime. I mean, I think people that lived through the Great Depression and some of the world wars would maybe have some similar mindsets. And I'm not trying to say the virus is like a world war, so don't put those two together. But what I'm really getting at is the chronic stress that I think our society is living under. And one of the dangers with that is how we just, we. We miss that or we don't recognize. Even if I'm not personally, like having the virus or losing my job, I'm impacted by all of these things happening around me. And chronic stress is debilitating. Chronic stress can have as much of an impact on our brain and our health as some kind of severe trauma that we experience in life. So when we begin to recognize that, we say, wow, there's a lot of potential that the chronic stress we're living in as a society might have impacted me more than I've realized. And especially as many of these things continue to linger and have gone on maybe a lot longer and further and deeper than we ever thought, I think we're seeing the outcome of some of that chronic stress. And on the very unhealthy side, we know that many, many states and counties are reporting the rise in suicide rates and depression and those sorts of things. So those are the obvious. But I'm guessing on a personal level, most of our listeners are starting to recognize, boy, there's things in my personal life, if not attended to, that are really being impacted negatively by the amount of chronic stress I'm carrying. And so I think that's the opportunity right now to look at how do I, number one, acknowledge the reality of it. And then, number two, be proactive to work on that or deal with it and not just wait for all these things to, quote, unquote, end for it to get better.

Yeah. And you've talked about this before, I think on the podcast. The idea of we talk about big T, little T trauma, and this idea of this chronic stress is that chronic T that just is like kind of this low grade anxiety that just sits around for a long time. And I can tell you, if I could reach it on my back, there is one point in my back, I can tell you where stress builds up. And that's something I didn't expect that happened. I started to physically manifest stress in my body where it wasn't just an emotional thing. I started to actually feel like my back hurts. Like, this doesn't feel like there's something going on. And I think that that was huge for me. I think I had a friend in here a couple weeks ago in my office. He said, all year I felt like I'm just being duped this whole time. Like I don't actually have the right information. And when you feel like you're being lied to, that's pretty irritating and triggering. And so I think a lot of people, I mean, as if we're not already questioning where we get our information, is it accurate this year? Just, like, amplified that by a thousand for so many people. You know, one of the things I also was thinking about is that if your relationships with your kids and your spouse weren't great at the start of the year, unless you did some really intentional work, they're not better now. And so I think that you were just around your family a lot more, and you had to sit in those difficult, potentially crisis, even for some of our listeners, maybe those relational situations that you couldn't escape from. Like, you know, if you're. If you're in a pandemic, you can't just go to the movies, or you can't just, like, go to the bar or whatever. Not that those are necessarily healthy things to when you're in crisis, but, man, you had to face it. You had to face that relationship. It was like, constantly in your face.

Yeah, well, and I think what you're getting at is the ways we medicate pain got amplified. And particularly if we were at home more or things were unavailable to us, those readily available ways of medicating pain, whether it's food, pornography, alcohol, gaming. I mean, just things we can do on the Internet that we lose. All this time, I think we saw that on the rise like never before. And probably many of our listeners could pinpoint one or more of those in their life. They'd say, yeah, I found that my escapes had a lot of power because there was limited options. And we just need to really think about how can we face that? Because, like, we're saying here, there's more to come in terms of we've got to keep navigating.

Absolutely.

So we've kind of alluded to the trauma, but the year 2020 did bring a lot of different forms of trauma, and depending on what someone has experienced, maybe more or less. Yeah, we know that when trauma goes unprocessed, it can come back in a form of unwanted coping behaviors. So how could we properly process a year, like 2020, so that it's not just continually going back to those coping behaviors.

Yeah. It's something that I think. I've talked to you. I've talked to you, Justin, about this too. And I've recently been kind of exploring grief or grieving. And what I've come to find in my own kind of process is that when there are things that I do wrong and there are consequences, and I grieve that. That to me, just naturally, like, it seems normal, it fits like, okay, I made this mistake. Now I have to grieve my decisions and the consequences. But when there's something that's happened that I didn't do, I didn't cause, and yet it's causing me to have to lose things and then having to grieve those things, to me, it just feels unfair. And I think that that causes tension and stress and anger and anxiety. And I think that that's one thing. I would just encourage people, as we're finishing this year, really start to think about what was lost this year for you. And I mean, like, I know people who've lost trips, I know people who've lost loved ones. I know people who've lost jobs, who've lost their house. And so there are all these things. If we don't allow ourselves to feel that and grieve that, those things stick around. Those things do not just evaporate. Maybe we don't think about them quite as often, but they impact the decisions that we make and the reactions that we have. And so I think that that's. That's one thing for sure. I just. Just grieve what was lost in 2020. And then I think for some people, this may not be true, but I think for a large number of people, the need for community and the need to avoid isolation amplified. If you're trying to stay healthy and you're stuck at home and you're around your kids who've been stressing you out, and your wife and you, you know, not that this happened to me, were fighting for four days straight, you know, like, you gotta find community outside of that and, and pursue it. And so I think that those are the two things I'd say. Grieve what you lost and then also find community where you can.

Yeah, and if you think about the stages of grieving, you know, you move through denial. And I mean, honestly, I think some people are still in denial about this whole year. They're just kind of that almost head in the sand idea of, I'M just going to wait for it to go away. And I think we can all see the unhealth of, like, you've got to accept that this is not normal and it's not fun and parts of it we don't need to enjoy. But, you know, moving through the denial, shock, anger, bargaining. The outcome is the acceptance stage of, I accept what's been lost, I allow myself to grieve it, and I'm willing to just be aware. And so I think so much of that starts, as you say, about community being able and willing to go to safe people in our life and say, I'm just. I'm really bummed today that there's been no, you know, new movies to go to in the theater or, you know, we're back in a time currently at the time of this airing, where all the restaurants in our state are shut down for, you know, anything but carry out and pretty much a weekly rhythm as my wife and I go out for dinner on our date night. It's like, that sucks. It's hard because we, we're not super awesome at knowing, okay, what else can we do? We've got four kids at home and if we're there, it's not much of a date. And like, where else do you go other than just sit in your car? So it's things like that, that just being able to voice that. And that's maybe the other part I'd say is maybe we're aware of it on a personal level, but if we haven't taken the step to voice it and verbalize it to others, that actually engages another part of our brain. It engages kind of more of our whole self in feeling and experiencing this. And that does allow us to accept and process it in a way that it doesn't have maybe the lingering negative effects because it kind of works its way through us rather than us just trying to always keep it at bay and hope it goes away, which is exhausting. We let it process and accept and move on.

Yep. Yeah. You got anything over there?

You guys have said a lot of great things. One of the things I was thinking about is just not downplaying things either. Specifically. I know when all of this started, you know, you take it as it. As it comes, right? And hindsight is 20 20, right?

All the. Use that phrase, all the jokes I.

Made in 2019 about pastors using 2020, I was wrong. It was. Wasn't prophetic.

This is all because of you.

Wow.

Kidding. But, you know, as it was coming, you know, for a minute I was like, wow, my wife and I were pregnant and it was like, wow, we get all this extra time together to spend, you know. And then as time was going on, I realized, oh my gosh, we also lost all of this time together that we could have had just hanging out, like going traveling, things like that. And now in a few months we're going to have a baby.

Right?

Um, and everything's going to change. We're not going to be able to just pick up and leave when we want. And so a lot of things then did change and I found myself grieving later what I almost, what I was celebrating at the beginning, you know, And I know there's been times throughout this that I've had moments, like, almost like twinges of like, you know, things that I feel like I lost and then I downplay them. That's not important. And if I've learned anything at Pure Desire, it's that if you think about it, write it down. You know, if it's, if you think about it, yeah, it probably has some level of weight that it's carrying and so don't downplay it. Not being able to go to the movies might seem small, but not to me. It might seem small like, and you might feel like a fool, like voicing that, but that's very real, especially if that's a part of your rhythms, part of your normal life. It also could be an indicator, like if movies are where you go to escape, it could be an indicator that like, yeah, like, oh, I don't know what to do now to escape because everyone's around me all the time. So I don't know. That's kind of what I think. As you, as we're processing this year, just like, like you said, feel the, feel the feelings, you know, feel the celebrations. There are things we can celebrate for sure.

Totally.

There's absolutely things that we can grieve and it's okay to kind of hold both in tension.

So let's, let's move to that 2020. Really easy to see the negatives, right? Like we have the clearest, like the clearest magnifying glass onto everything that sucks from 2020. All you have to do is like watch TV or go on social media. But let's flip the script a little bit. What are good things, if any that came out of 2020?

Yeah. When you asked this question, what came to mind was something I experienced from some short term missions trips that we took as a church to Bosnia. I was there four times in a five year period and really Got to know a lot of great, wonderful local Bosnians who, if people know their world history, may recall that from 1992 to 1995, the capital of Bosnia, Sarajevo, was under a siege from the Serbians, where people lived in their basements of these apartment buildings because the city was bombed every day, there were snipers on the hills. I mean, it's really a horrible story in our world history, and just the way two cultures turned on one another. But when you listen to these people who lived through that, many of them, you know, now in their 30s, and they were teenagers when it happened, they will describe it with this odd sense of nostalgia. And many of them will say it was actually their favorite memories come from the siege. And you're like, you were being shot at. Like, your family had to sneak in darkness just to get water. And. But what they would talk about is the way that in those basements, everyone was together and everyone was the same. And it didn't matter if you were a doctor or a lawyer or a house, like, you were all in the same situation, needing to figure it out together. And I thank God that we're not under siege and we're not to that extreme of a situation, but I think there are some commonalities there that everyone's been together in this, you know, and everyone's been impacted by it, and it doesn't really matter what your job is or where you live. Like, yeah, life has been different. And so I think it has created some community, some togetherness, some sense of we're in this together, and we can see that in our culture at large. But I think we're seeing it on a smaller level in relationships and families. To say, like, we don't have any other options here. Like, we can't just leave this planet. I mean, two guys got to go in that, you know, space shuttle, but the rest of us had to stay on this world and deal with it.

Right?

And so I think there was a sense of pulling together, looking out for one another, being more, you know, just cognizant of how are you doing today? And how are. How are you facing this? And, you know, I know me and my kids have had more of those kind of conversations, like, how are you really doing? And how are you feeling? And if you're having a rough day, it's okay to talk about it. So I think being together, facing things in a connected way, has maybe been one of the positive outcomes and. And something. I hope we won't lose that if we do get back in the near future. To a world that is really wide open. Again, we have a tendency to become individuals and just do our own thing. I hope we can hold on to the sense of we're all in this world together and we do better when we see our fellow human beings, whether in our family or our neighborhoods or our church, as people that we're looking out for, people that we care about. And that'd be a really valuable thing if we could all take that with us.

It's good. I think people, this is just. Even from just in my circle, I would say people realized or were forced to realize how needed self care is if you want to be healthy. And obviously you can't go see movies. Tier, tier. You can't go out to dinner, you can't go on dates with your spouse. There are these things that we're used to doing that are really forms of self care that are ways of pouring life and love into other people and into ourselves. I think that what became really, really clear is I've been stuck in my house for five straight days with my children. Let's go on a walk. Like, I'm going to pull my hair out and no one wants to see a bald me. Right? Like, let's do this. And so that's true. Yeah, right. So many comments about your hair that I'm keeping to myself right now, which I love. Because people, if you're watching this episode on YouTube, you'll know what I'm talking.

About before and after.

That's right. But I just think that it became something that it was almost essential. And it's almost like it gave people license to explore what self care could do for them. Because I think in the church, a lot of us are taught that self care is selfish. And I don't think that that's true. I think that self care, like, that whole. And we've talked about it, and I know some people think this is controversial, but the idea of loving your neighbor as yourself, that language, I mean, that's there in scripture, like you have to care for yourself. And what I've learned is that I was just having this conversation with someone last night. If you're not able to give compassion or forgiveness or love towards yourself, you can't give it to other people. And if you are giving it to other people, it's a fraction of the version that it could be. So I think a really good thing that came out of 2020 is it allowed people to explore and see the benefits of self care.

Yeah. Yeah, that's good. So what would you Say, are some things we learned from 2020 that should dictate how we do life in 2021 and moving forward.

Yeah, okay. What comes to mind for me is where you place your hope is very revealing. And so if you placed your hope in politics, if you place your hope in your routine or in your schedule or in the regularity of certain activities or you name it, there are things that we get to do in a regular routine in before 2020 that were not regular anymore. And so I think that what was revealed to me is that I place a lot of hope and security in the routines or the things that I get to do day to day. And for me, I think that it's a reminder that where I place my hope will direct my health or unhealth. And so I think that that's something that I've learned and I'm trying to implement that. What am I doing with that? What am I. Where am I placing my hope? Am I just gonna say, well, I can't go out and do this or I can't go and do that, so I guess I'm just stuck here? Or am I gonna place my hope in that? God still knows exactly what I'm going through. And he's given me tons of different avenues that maybe I have yet to explore in my life to pursue health and holiness. So I think for me, that's what I learned. I learned that I need to. I need to place my hope where my hope should be, in the Lord and allow that to direct what I do.

Yeah. Yeah. I think for me, what I learned, or I'd say we learned some things that we thought of as essential aren't we might have thought of, you know, I have to be able to go into the office. And we found out that people could work from home, or we thought certain activities we had to be able to do. And when they were taken away, there was maybe initial loss or shock or frustration. But we adapted and adjusted and found new ways to do things. And I think that's just a healthy mindset of recognizing what are the things in my life I've held on to is I must have it this way and realizing not really it's okay for something else to happen. And another big thing I feel like I've learned is just how God works through these hard situations. I mean, looking at pure desire, we were already engaged in doing some of our groups online, and our counselors had been doing online counseling. But up until 2020, those had just been good things that we were able to offer. And suddenly in 2020, they became essential things. But we saw incredible growth. We saw a lot of lives touched and changed through that. And you just look back and go, wow, these are actually people who maybe were impacted that in a normal year wouldn't have found these groups or this help. And so I look at what happened at Pure Desire and say God was at work. God used a hard situation for good. And for many of us, this was maybe examples of that that we haven't had to go through a lot of really hard seasons the way this has felt. And I think many people have seen God was still at work. There were good things happening and maybe not everywhere, but where I was looking for it in my personal life or my family or something around me, there was evidence of God's goodness. And that's something I think that gives us tremendous hope moving forward as well.

Yeah, I think for me, what I've really been learning through this season and what I hope to continue is this idea of like my core community being, staying core, staying close, you know, realizing that, you know, I can't have all of my self care be essentially like outsourced to the movies or to other places. But I have to be able to be cared for. My needs have to be able to be met at home. You know, I need to have healthy ways to process my life, process what's happening. And that can't always be in the hands of somebody else. And so I think for me going into 2021, that's what it looks like is. In fact for my birthday I got, I got a. The Lord of the Rings trilogy. And I'm not much of a reader.

You're like more of a Christian now, knows that. Yeah. Like you just like went like to level two of heaven.

I didn't say Narnia, which I've also noticed.

Ever read?

Yeah, but.

Oh, okay. Just keep sharing.

I was at Costco and they had the Lord of the Rings trilogy. And I just thought to myself, like, maybe because I, I'm a high, like I like to perform, I like to. I place a lot of my value in my performance and things like that. So I thought maybe if the books I'm reading are more fictional, like I'm not performing. So it's not like a self help, it's not a leadership book. It's not something I have to consume to become a better human. It's just like I can literally just do this to grow and just not that I'm like, you know, growing in my Elvish. But you will. Sorry to any of the fans, if I said it wrong, but, you know, just finding things that I can do at home that are, that are helpful are beneficial. I don't have to go out and that's not always easy, especially having, you know, we will have a five month old at the time of this recording, but, you know, just looking for ways to do that. So as I walk into 2021, I think that's what I'm really hoping to continue to figure out. I'm still figuring that out, you know.

Yeah. So with life, and we've already discussed this, that it, you know, it's not going to be this huge page turn for the world. This is still going to be going on. What are some practices, especially as we're moving into this new year, that we would suggest people to like they do, they put into practice to stay healthy?

There are a lot of things we look at when we start a new year, making resolutions and plans. And I think maybe that need is just amplified this year, that it's a good time of year to analyze what are my daily, weekly and monthly rhythms that either work for or against my personal, emotional, spiritual health. And if we realize we've got rhythms that aren't helping, asking some hard questions of how do I change those, Whether it's about food, diet, exercise, whatever, and how do I begin to establish a couple of rhythms. And I would emphasize just figure out a couple, one, two or three. Because as our brain expert Heather Kolb always brings up, if you try to change six rhythms all at once, none of them, your brain just can't focus on all of it and you'll give up. But if you said, man, if, if anything, if I could just start getting up half an hour earlier this year, I think that rhythm would help me be more prepared, have some quiet time, maybe for prayer, meditate, like if you just focused on that one rhythm, that would probably be a big change. I also would go back to a phrase we've used in this podcast about emotional health. Just asking what do I need to do to maintain emotional health? And is that working less? Is it exercising more? Is it connecting with friends? Is it having a monthly time where it's a guy's night out, Just like what restores and renews you? I think more than ever we have to have some clear answers to that question and make sure we're planning time for restoration and renewal because that rebuilds emotional health. And then the last thing I would say is I think we need to prioritize connection and community. I think for many people, 2020 meant a group stopped meeting, Whether that was about their recovery and freedom, or a small group at their church or a friend group. And maybe they've just been perpetually putting it off, like, well, when whatever changes, we'll start that up again. And now it's been eight, nine, ten months. And I would just encourage stop waiting. And maybe you have to figure out a different way to do it. Maybe your group starts online, maybe it's in a smaller setting, but whatever it is, don't wait to start connection and community because it's a vital part of what's needed any year, but maybe more so in this kind of season that our world is in. So find that place where you're regularly interacting in a community of people that know you and accept you and where you feel you can really be your real self, because that's almost always a place of growth for us.

Totally. The one that came to mind for me was on the you mentioned emotional health. I have a journal that I've been using for a few weeks now, and it has me process my day. And there are nine questions. And the first eight are the same questions every day, asking me what happened that day, how I'm feeling, what will help me advance my goals, what are some things that are in the way, what am I grateful for? And then the last question always changes from day to day. And what I've realized over the last couple weeks is what that's actually doing is that's helping me evaluate and process each day. And I've been doing it about five or six times a week and have been really grateful for it because I'll realize some things. And I don't know if people are like this, but journaling my thoughts and emotions is extremely helpful for me. Things come out that I'm like, I didn't even know that was there, you know, a cool thing that happened just like a week ago. The last question was like, who are you surprisingly grateful for in recent days? And I just thought my in laws, like, they just have been so helpful and they have, like, loved our kids and have helped us in so many different ways. And so I was like, I'm gonna reach out to them. And I did. And it was really like, it worked out like they were really thankful and it felt like it just solidified our relationship. What I'm getting at is that do something that processes your day, whether it's a conversation with your spouse, with a friend, maybe it's checking in with your group every day, maybe it's journaling and writing it out, whatever it may be. Processing our day and being able to put it through a filter of how am I feeling? What happened? What are my plans? Does something need to change tomorrow or next week? I think that can be super helpful.

Yeah. As a couple of enneagram threes, Justin and I are both disappointed that we weren't the answer to that question of who are you grateful for? So we're just. We're going to let that slide. But, yeah, I totally agree that the.

Question was surprisingly grateful for. Oh, we're just constantly.

Right.

Well, of course I quit.

I think it's that we're just trying to encourage a lot of self awareness, and that's journaling. It's being present today to say what's happening today and how could I allow God to really grow me today and not just worry about six months down the road or whenever, whatever ends, being present in this day.

Yeah.

Read Lord of the Rings and Narnia. Goodness gracious. Read. They're small. They're children's books.

Oh, I don't own it.

Oh, God. That was.

If they're small in their children's books, I don't know.

Much worse.

So in this year, with so much anxiety and uncertainty, group safety gathering all that many churches and communities are still not meeting or maybe not meeting the way they would have, you know, a year ago. So what should recovery look like in 2021? Especially if maybe we're in a church community that is still in a very different way of doing Chur.

Yeah, anything you can do. That's what I'm gonna say. What should recovery look like? It should look like anything you can do for recovery. I think I was recently just thinking, right. I was thinking about an episode we did on World Crisis when all this stuff was really happening, especially here in the States, and we talked about how sexual brokenness doesn't take a break. Like, it's not like, I'm gonna check out for a little bit. If you guys could just stay here, I'll come back later and deal with you. Like, it's always around. And so I think that anything you can do as you move in, especially into this new year, is essential. I think that we tend to make those excuses. We tend to avoid those things, like, oh, like, what if I get Covid? Or, oh, gosh, it's just going to be really difficult to do it over zoom. I prefer to do it in person. Or we come up with so many different excuses. And I think that that's what I would say is don't allow coping behaviors or excuses. Allow you to numb out from the healing and recovery that's available. And so do something. Two words, do something.

Yeah. I think what comes to mind for me is we need to be proactive about our recovery. This may be a season where we're waiting on someone else, like, well, when my church reorganizes or when my leader reaches out or when our pastor starts that. And the reality for a lot of churches and pastors right now, they are just. They're in a real crisis of trying to figure out how to do church, how to gather, when how big masks are not. I mean, they've got people on both sides pulling them in multiple directions, and it may just not be on their emotional radar to have the ability to launch a recovery group or to get it going again. So if you're in that place of knowing, you'd like to see it happen, be proactive. Maybe it's you sending an email to a group of your friends and in humility and transparency, saying, hey, I'm not doing awesome with my online habits, and I'd like to start this Pure Desire group. Would anyone like to join me? Because as we've brought up on so many of these podcasts, Group leadership is not about the trained, perfect expert that's leading other peons through that haven't figured it out.

Right.

Group leadership is really just about someone willing to say, I'll keep us on track, but I'm in this group because I need it, and those are the best leaders. And so if you're listening and you're like, I really need a group, and I'm. I'm waiting for so and so to start it or my church to do it. Stop waiting. Just ask the Lord, who could I invite? Who could I reach out to? And. And if you really run out of options and you're not sure what to do, that's why we've got the online groups at Pure Desire for you to jump into your healing, to continue making progress, and Lord willing, the health that you'll discover will be the very thing that you can then take to others in your church or community and hopefully start a group there one day.

I. It's interesting. My wife did that recently where she was just like, you know, I think I want to do a group, and I'm just gonna throw it out and see what happens. And we had a lot of women who want to go through this group, and it's amazing. Like, we were super surprised. We're like, oh, you do? That's great. Like, this is super cool. And I think that there are a lot of people to that point waiting as well. There's a lot of people waiting for that opportunity. And so, listener, if you're in this situation, you may be the answer to prayer for that person. You stepping out and leading maybe what creates that opportunity where finally. Oh, yes, you're starting. Yes, I want to do this group. Let's go. Let's do this. And it opens the door for other people's healing. So I just encourage you to think of it that way, too, that you're not just starting it, you're also creating more opportunity. And I think that that's going to be helpful for a lot of people.

Yeah.

Okay. Justin, why don't we start with you on this last question. Let's give you another shout. Here you go.

So last chance. You didn't know this was an audition.

Totally. Right. Seriously. So as we've processed 2020, as we're going into this new year, what are some just encouragements that we'd share with people going into the next year?

And some of this may have been said, but I think as I'm sitting here, I'm thinking about the tools I've learned. I'm thinking about, you know, the faster scale. And, you know, anxiety is a place you occupy on the faster scale, you know, and just for me, thinking about anxiety and the faster scale, I feel like most days I wake up in anxiety, and I didn't really fully understand what that meant for me until I had a kid and I'm trying to put him to sleep, so I have a sound machine on all the time, you know, and then when he wakes up, it's the first thing I do is turn it off. And I'm just like, oh, my gosh, I didn't realize how loud that thing was throughout the entire space, you know, and so. And then we have friends over and, like, they say the same thing, you know, and just realizing that I'm waking up in a world that is in chaos and anxiety, and it's really affecting me whether I want to consciously or subconsciously recognize it. And so for me, I think some of the things that I would encourage people to do is commitment to change, formally or informally, I think is a really helpful tool because you're looking ahead. And Nick, you mentioned this earlier, like, you're looking ahead to think, what is going to trip me up this week? Week, you know, what is going to trip me up this month? And what is my plan before I ever even get there to stay in restoration, or if I know I'm going to wake up in recovery or, I'm sorry, in anxiety, then what is something I can do before I go to bed? Or what is the first thing I can do in the morning that'll help me to, like, refocus and, you know, reset myself? And so I think those are the two things I would encourage people, is just, you know, first of all, recognize that if you're in recovery, you're probably waking up in anxiety in a. In a world like we live in right now. And maybe I shouldn't put that on everybody, but that's a fact for probably me, but. And then for just use a commitment to change and recognize that being ahead of the head will really be helpful.

Yeah, that's good.

I think of the phrase managing expectations. You know, I know we've told this story on the podcast, but I think it just fits so well here at Bears retelling that Viktor Frankl was in a concentration camp during World War II and survived that and wrote the book Man's Search for Meaning just has some great insights into surviving, you know, something like that. And he was asked once, you know, who were the people that didn't make it or that really struggled in the concentration camps? And he said, oh, that's easy. The optimists. And it's like, well, that doesn't make sense. I mean, especially in these kind of times. Like, isn't optimism what we need? And he said it was sad to watch because in their optimism, they'd say, well, we're going to be out by Christmas. And then when that wouldn't happen, well, we'll be out by Valentine's Day. And when that wouldn't happen, we'll be out by April. And every time a date came and went and they were still imprisoned, their optimism became like almost a dagger against them.

Totally.

Yep. And so he writes about how important it is that we do hold on to hope, that we have to hold on to hope that will prevail, and yet at the same time accept the reality of our current situation and do the best with it we can. And so I think that's managing expectations is not getting ourselves into a place where like, well, by June, for sure, all this will be different and we'll do this. Maybe. I hope so. But if we've leveraged our hope and our dreams and our, you know, our well being onto something that may not happen, it could be very devastating. So having that mindset that says I'm holding on to hope that we're going to prevail and we're going to enter into a new day. But in the meantime, I'm going to make the best of the current situation that I'm in. And I think kind of avoiding that pie in the sky optimism of just, well, this is when it'll all be better, can enable us to be fully alive today and not just spin our wheels waiting for some magical moment when it all changes. So make the most of the days we're in. Use some of the ideas we've talked about in this podcast to connect with others, to focus on your personal health, to maybe launch a group. Because all those things can happen right now and if we aren't willing to see that, I think we'll lose a lot of opportunities here.

Yep. I think what I would say is probably just another way of saying the same thing. Just control what you can control. Like, you can only control you and you can only control your habits and your routines. And so, I mean, and as I say that, I think like, I can't control my kids or their routines all the time, but control what I can control, put the tools in place, manage my expectations and just focus on my own personal health and look for opportunities. You can help other people in theirs. So, guys, that's it. 2020 Pure Desire podcasts wrap thank God. 2020 is done.

Right? Right? Yeah, right.

As we discussed, even though the number of the year has changed, we are now in a new decade. Many of the same things are going on. The pandemic is still around, things are still politically charged. There's stress everywhere. We believe that processing our experiences with God and others is essential to living in health in any year. We pray that you learned from 2020 and that God really has given you a vision for this new year, a direction that you can move in. And don't say hindsight is 20 20. That should not be your catchphrase anymore. A Direction. What we're praying is that God gives you a direction toward closeness with him, closeness with others, and a renewed sense of purpose and value to your life. Nick and Justin, thanks guys.

Another one.

Great to be here.

Wherever you're at on your journey, Pure Desire is here to help create a roadmap for your healing. You or someone you know is looking for help. Go to PureDesire.org and start your healing journey. If you haven't subscribed to the podcast, do it. If you're already subscribed, right? A review helps others find the podcast. And for the last time in 2020, never stop being healthy.