205 - FAQ #11

You're listening to the Pure Desire Podcast, your safe place to find hope, healing, and freedom from sexual addiction, betrayal, and relationship issues. Hello. Hello. I am your host, Trevor Windsor, and you're listening to episode 205 of the Pure Desire Podcast. Here joining me, as always, is my co host, Nick Stumbo.

Wet teddy bears. Get your wet teddy bears.

You say Wet Ted teddy bears.

Wet teddy bears.

I got nothing. Absolutely nothing.

It's kind of an odd statement, isn't it?

It's kind of uncomfortable.

Are you not watching TV lately?

No, I don't have. I don't pay for.

This is one of those great GEICO commercials where the point of their commercial is you don't pay for what you don't need. And a guy comes up to what he believes is a hot dog stand and says, I'll take one. And the guy slaps this wet teddy. He's like, is this not a hot dog stand? He says, no, read the sign. Wet teddy bear stand. And the guy walks away just like, what the heck am I going to do with this? And I just thought it was funny, you know, Wet teddy bears. That is.

It is funny.

Who needs one?

And weird. Totally. Today, I have no idea how you're going to tie it into this one today.

There's always a way.

We had Rodney Wright, our advancement specialist, on with us to talk through another Frequently Asked Questions episode.

Yeah, you know, and a lot of frequently asked questions, Trevor, we would rather just avoid or not ask. We might feel like it's something we don't really need in our life. We don't need that complexity. And so the questions can feel like a wet teddy bear. And yet, as people are going to find out in this episode. You're laughing. I can't help it.

You just keep saying wet teddy bear.

Okay, I'll stop. These questions, I think are helpful. There's a couple in there that even as we read them, I can imagine some listeners feeling a little squeamish, like, ooh, that's true. How are they going to answer this one?

Right.

But I. We again have these conversations when we just try to think biblically and in a healthy way about how to approach them. It creates understanding. And even if, you know, if your answers aren't a 100% like our answers, we hope it helps you, the listener, move the conversation forward. A lot of these are for parents, but many are not. So I hope everyone gets something out of this.

Yeah, we got a great episode for you. But real quick, a few things. Subscribe to the podcast. We're on all the major platforms. If you are not subscribe now, you'll always get our newest episodes subscribe updated and then also follow us on social mediauredesirepdmi. Also, you can find these full episodes on YouTube. And then also, we wanted to circle back again. We're trying to do this every once in a while just to remind people about something we're calling Team 58.

Yeah. In Isaiah 58, Isaiah wrote that when people's salvation came, they would become those who would rebuild the broken cities and renew the broken walls. And we're kind of looking at that to say, as we find healing, as God is using pure desire to bring hope, healing, or freedom into our lives, we become those people for others that can help rebuild marriages and restore families and broken lives. And one of the ways that God uses us is through our stories. It's through our using our time. But also one of the ways is through our resources of being able to contribute to the mission and be a part together of helping rebuild families and restore lives. And so that's where the idea of Team 58 came from. And we just want to continue to invite you, our listener, if this is part of your healing story, that why wouldn't you say, I want to be a part of others experiencing the same healing? And when you're a monthly donor, when you partner with us in that way, you open the door for more couples, for more people to hear this message of hope, healing, and freedom. And so we just want to invite you be part of Team 58. We now have some cool swag that's a part of it just to create some team identity.

Totally.

And we really believe that God will use all of us together to do far more than any of us could do on our own.

Yeah. So if you want to become a member of Team 58, just go to PureDesire.org give scroll down to the bottom. You'll see the banner there for team 58. All right, here is our time with Rodney Wright talking through some more frequently asked questions. Rodney, welcome back to the podcast, man. Thanks for being here.

Great to be with you guys as always.

Yes, we love having you. We wish we had you in person, honestly, more often, but we know that Idaho has your heart, but we're not going to focus on that. Today we are diving into more frequently asked questions. And we love these episodes. I mean, we haven't. Gosh, it's been. I think it's been a minute since we've done one. And so it's good to kind of get Back to these. And we get. And I'll just say this now, I know I'll mention it in the intro as well. But if you do want to send questions, just send them to podcasturedesire.org we. I get podcast requests and questions every single week, so just keep doing that. This is really, really helpful. All right, let's just jump in. First question comes from Michael Rodney. How do we help our kids who've experienced trauma because of our sexual addiction?

What does that look like they've experienced trauma because of our addiction? Well, that's kind of an open question. You know, what does that trauma look like is probably where I would first start. Trauma just because of our emotional absence or trauma because of maybe an action that was hurtful to them. So I think just kind of understanding what kind of trauma your kid faced, in many cases, it's emotional absence. The addict isn't present for the kid. I think one of the things is always taking responsibility for owning the trauma that you caused. And with the other parent, if you're married or if you're single, just finding. And even with the help of a therapist, finding the age appropriate way to communicate and own the pain or the hurt that you caused that child. And I think that's always helpful as a way to begin, is just simply recognizing and giving voice to and owning the trauma that you caused.

Yeah, yeah, well, and we've talked about it a lot on the podcast that the greatest gift we give to our kids is to continue being someone who is moving towards our own healing and health and not just saying, well, I went through that one year of recovery and now I'm done. And we don't really shift much, maybe about the way that we're doing life or relating to other people just because the quote unquote behavior was solved. So I think that's the first thing I'd say. Like, if you continue to pursue your health and healing, you're just going to become more aware of what did you do that caused that pain? How can you take ownership for it? And what does it look like, maybe most importantly, to actually have a healthier relationship? And I believe that's true whether our kids are 5 or 45, that we continue to have an impact and influence, because I believe God made parents to have that influence. Whether our kids are in the moment acknowledging that influence or not, there's a part of them that is looking to us. So I'd encourage that. And the other piece that comes to mind for me is to continue to look at what kind of environment are you creating in your home? Are you creating one where conversation is permissible? Things can come up where you are in just normal, everyday things. You're owning your weaknesses or faults or apologizing to others. Because if you create that environment where it is safe to be real, safe to have problems, safe to acknowledge your sins or weaknesses, then that will be multiplied into your children. Because really what they need is they need to know it's safe for them to say, I'm feeling hurt, or I felt wounded. I felt unheard. And if that environment has been created, it's more likely then that those conversations can happen.

And as long as you continue to engage in those conversations, too, I think that's really important. I think I know when you've struggled with an addiction, and maybe you're on the front end of your recovery. Owning that and facing the, you know, I'm going through seven pillars again, facing the effects. The damages that my addiction has caused is very painful. I'll tell you right now, I'm in year six of recovery. It's still painful to write down. I got this new workbook. I'm writing it down, the people that I've hurt. And I'm like, this sucks. I do not want to do this, even though it's in the past. And so I think that that's even more amplified when it comes to our kids. But we just have to understand that us being humble in that is going to be what also creates that environment of it's an okay place to say, you know what, dad messed up, or it's okay for your kid to come and say, hey, dad, you did this, and it hurt me. And you want to try to create that. And I think one of the ways is that we foster that is just how we respond in the moment.

Yeah, for sure. And keep growing. Like Nick said, too. It's an ongoing process. I remember a couple of years ago being on a trip with my son in Amsterdam, and he just wanted to have a conversation. And there was, you know, I just came from the Van Gogh Museum, and There was about 14 other things I wanted to see that day. And I recognized that the most important thing I could do is to sit on a bench here at this place and just be present for my son. And I did. And it was one of the top two highlights of the whole trip for me because I had just learned how to be emotionally present. And we laughed and cried and just had a beautiful hour conversation. And he said to me, dad, I can't wait for my kids to meet you someday. You're a great guy. And I felt like, hey, I clicked forward about being emotionally present, and my addiction wasn't keeping me. I was growing through that and learning how to be present emotionally with my kids.

That's good.

Yeah. Well, and you mentioned it, too, Rodney. If we're realizing the trauma or the wounding is pretty deep with our kids, this is what counselors and therapists are for. They're people that have specialized in this and to walk through something with you and your kids that could be worth reaching out to. So don't feel like you've got to navigate this all alone.

Right?

Absolutely.

So, second question here, and I love that someone asked it, because I think this is probably a more common question that people just don't know how to ask or feel embarrassed. And you certainly wouldn't ask it at an event because people all look at you. But again, I think fairly common in marriages. So here's their question says, my question is regarding intimate pictures of my spouse. While my spouse is extremely modest, she has shared privately with me sexy selfies and has allowed me to take other intimate photos of her. Is this something that you feel has a place in a Christian marriage? Should I dispose of these photos?

Okay, I'll just. I'm gonna say this. I believe there are multiple perspectives on this, and so I'm just gonna share where I come from, from where I sit on this. The first kind of. In that question comes another question. Is this something you're using to just fuel your addiction and your climaxing being what's most important? And I think that that's one of the things that we have to address when it comes to addiction, is understanding that we've used sex in so many different ways and that we've prioritized our sexual release over emotional intimacy with your spouse, being present with your kids, maybe not procrastinating at work and getting stuff done. There's so many different things. But I think with this, I would just say it makes me uncomfortable if it's something that you and your spouse have agreed on. And because I've been in groups and have heard this where a wife will give these pictures to a husband and it's okay to masturbate if you're gone on a trip or I'm not home and you look at these pictures, it's okay for you to do that. Again, I just feel a little bit uncomfortable about it because what it's doing is it's prioritizing the climax of the man rather than using sex for really what I Believe. And if you, you know, if you listen to the previous episode, when we talked to Sheila Ray Gregoire, she talked about the idea of it, of sex being something that's mutually pleasurable and together an experience between a husband and a wife. And so for me, this just. I wouldn't even say it's 100% wrong, because I'm not sure I can make that statement. But I just feel like it's leaning in a direction that makes me uncomfortable. And I would. I would almost say that the lean isn't maybe the right thing to do.

It may be one of those questions where it's more helpful to not ask, is it right or wrong? But ask the question, is it wise? Is this contributing to health in my marriage? And one of the things that we've said on this podcast, it's possible to objectify our spouse just like we objectify anyone else. And we could be holding on to pictures of them that are probably them in their best light or looking in a way that we find attractive. And now that's what we're bonding with, is them in a certain way. And there's a danger there that that's not real life. Like, real life is jobs and kids and messy houses and. And so we can inadvertently make ourselves dissatisfied with the real person because we're falling in love or more bonded to an image or a perfection of them that we really like. And so we've got to be aware that that can happen even if these things are being shared in. I mean, you use the word in a mutually agreed fashion. And that, to me, is another starting point. Like, does your wife or your spouse know that you have the pictures, know how you're using them, and know the purpose, because if they don't, that's step one is like, well, if they don't know or they haven't agreed to that, that shouldn't be happening.

Right.

The final thing I'd say, and then, you know, toss it over to you, Rodney. I think this often happens with, well, you're going to be gone or away from home, and so this will get you through. In my experience, in my own life and working with many others, you're actually just fueling the fire. Yeah, it's not like, oh, I viewed these images of my wife, and now I'm good to go. Right. Like, that starts the process in your brain that's releasing the chemicals, that's desiring. And even if you choose in your, you know, way of understanding life and scripture and all that, that. That it was okay to masturbate what we know is that self gratifying, you know, our sexual desires doesn't lead to satisfaction because the hormones that get released are meant to bond us to a person. And when there's not a person there with us, it will actually leave us with a sense of longing and emptiness. And so I think if that's the goal, actually you're probably just creating more longing and more desire because it's not just about oh, I got released and so now I'm good to go. So looking at am I inadvertently reinforcing a pattern that is unhealthy to my marriage? So again, is it wise and healthy and helpful is probably a better question than right or wrong.

Yeah, yeah. I'm grateful for the scripture that talks about sending selfie nude photos to your spouse. And I love about the Bible, how practical it is about that. But Nick, just echoing. I think we have to look at principles. That's what you guys are talking about, right? Where I see the apostle Paul says all things are lawful, but not all things are profitable. And I really think that the whole mental health and the neuroscience of the brain, when we're used to objectifying women on pictures, I think we're reinforcing that brain. And I think that there's difference between viewing something on a screen and then just having a thought towards your spouse in your mind. So I really think that I would caution you to really consider this. What if these pictures get in the wrong hands? Right. What if somebody else gets these photos? There's such a downside to this that I think the healthy part is just that open emotional connection that you have with your spouse and letting arousal be about heart to heart connection and not about just imaging just because how it affects the brain. And so I heard a psychologist talk about that, you know, masturbating without porn is different than masturbating with porn. And I think you're reinforcing this visual images and going this direction. So I would have a lot of caution about this.

Totally. Alright, the next question is from Crispin and the question is I was reading the book Pure Desire in chapter two this morning. Good for you. Reading is always good for you. And Dr. Ted started talking about the left brain versus right brain in healing. He talks about that as well in the Seven Pillars workbook emphasizes we need to cultivate a use of our right brain in healing. Crispin wants to know why that is. How does the development of both sides of our brain help us heal?

Yeah, great question and great name by the way. I'd love to meet Crispin. That'd be the first Crispin I've met. You know, when we think about the hemispheres of the brain, what we wanna recognize is the left side of our brain is geared towards words, towards logic, towards reason. It's very linear, it's practical. And that's the side of our brain that reading books, hearing sermons, listening to podcasts by and large taps into. It's all about our thinking. And the right side of our brain, though, is where we store or recognize story and emotion and memory and spatial, kind of abstract, artistic things get stored over there. And what we have found is that if we only focus our healing on the left side of preaching words at our problems or. Or telling ourselves why something's wrong and it doesn't touch on that right brain, well, guess what we find happening. We're not really able to experience healing because we're only addressing half of the issue. What we have seen over and over is that when we've had wounds in our past, when we've gone through hurtful situations, when we've encountered pornography and acted out to it and the feelings that resulted from it, whether it was shame or excitement or probably a mix of both, all of that got stored in the right side of our brain. So what can happen sometimes is we're trying to create a left brain solution to a right brain problem. And then that's where you hear people say, I don't know what else I can do. I've read every book that's out there. I've listened to every podcast, I've gone through every study. It's like, left brain, left brain, left brain, left brain. But do we understand our emotions and our wounds and the stories we're telling ourselves? So it's really when we get both hemispheres working together, it's whole brain healing. And it's where we see people start to get traction because now they're allowing, like, here's what I found in my own story. I knew the love of Christ in my left brain. I could logic it, I could preach about it, I knew all the right words about it, I could quote all the right scriptures, but there were stories in my right brain that didn't know how to hear those words. And I could say them all day. But until, like, in my pure desire group, some of the first times through, I was able to kind of spatially and artistically think about where was Christ in those moments? What was he saying? How did I encounter him? And I had more of that emotional connection, was like, well, now I'm experiencing and feeling the love of Christ. And it goes to a different level. So I honestly think it's some of what. When we read scripture and it talks about your mind and your heart, I think it would be. Because 2,000 years ago, we didn't know about the hemispheres of the brain. I think what we're reading is mind. Left brain, heart, right brain. And if we started to make that connection, like, oh, right, because what's stored in your actual physical heart? Well, not all those things. The scripture talks about blood. It's your right brain. And as I know Ted Roberts would say, it's your limbic brain as well. That's a whole nother conversation. But I think that right brain is a lot of where we get heart, emotion, and story and feeling. So that's why it's important.

There's a term for that that I like about just having a new opposite experience. And I think that's kind of a right brain thing. And that's kind of what I find in groups or in therapy when you're actually processing something with someone and they speak, maybe direct communication or give you an experience where you don't just read it or see it, but you're relating it and you feel the emotions from somebody else. I think it's that new opposite experience when you connect with your partner, if you're married and your spouse, and you have those conversations that invoke emotion as you're being transparent and open and sharing. And so I think it's not just information, but it's experience, too, and tying those together.

You know, I've often. I feel like I hear this a lot, you know, because we had conversations. I remember a conversation we had with Diane on Soul Ties. Diane Roberts was on here, and we talked about. She talked about, like, taking a shower and, like, envisioning things being washed off. I remember the pushback. We got a little bit on that. But we had some conversations about, like, communion and baptism, which are right brain experiences of a left brain, truth and reality, symbols. I am justified in Christ. I am clean. But baptism is an outward expression and experience symbolizing my association with Christ in his life, death and resurrection. And also an experience that's saying, hey, I'm going to follow this guy for the rest of my life. This is what I'm doing. I'm committing publicly to people. And so.

And Paul even says that he's like, the water itself doesn't do anything for you.

It's not about washing the body exactly, but these. So I think that if you can Put it. I know for me, that helps. Putting it into like a biblical framework that God has designed it in a way that communion and baptism are that right brain experience of a left brain reality.

Trevor. In grief work, we call that rituals. It's a process of letting go of something and welcoming something else. And it's experiential. So sometimes the rituals are so good. Again, it's not just information. It can be simply as lighting a candle, blowing it out and relighting it, or. Or letting go of something and embracing something new. But I think that's rituals, what I hear you talking about, which are really, really helpful for us.

If you even think about how many people connect a significant memory or emotion to certain songs, they say, man, every time that song comes on, what we're expressing in that is right brain, like we're saying, it taps into a part of me that matters and that I can't always access until I hear that song. And so in your group, that's what we're trying to do. And I know guys get frustrated because guys tend to be. Now, not always, but guys tend to be more left brain. And they can get frustrated by, you know, draw this, envision this, and draw. Like, it just feels like we're going back to grade school. But it's an attempt to access that part of your brain that maybe we're not as familiar with. So for you, Crispin, I hope that was helpful and for everyone, listening can take us into how to, you know, really practice whole brain health as God intended. So, Rodney, here's a question right up your alley. How do we help our kids have healthy perspectives on sexuality? This comes from Robert. So helping our kids have healthy perspectives on sexuality. What do you say?

Is this from Robin?

Robert.

Robert. Okay, Robert, good question. You know, I think it starts at a young age, and I think it starts with a whole lot of conversations, and I think it starts with healthy language about our bodies and healthy language about our sexuality in the sense of seeing it as it's good and it's healthy from a starting point, from a foundation, and of course, it's age appropriate, but just letting them know, first of all, that God made their bodies. They're made in the image of God, male and female, and their bodies are good, and all parts of their bodies are good. That includes their genitals and the ability to talk about those with no shame. And God made us different. Mom's different, Dad's different, and learning just to see different body parts as the parent has. Maybe there's some wonderful Books that just show how God made our bodies different. Male and female in sexualization, but just in anatomy. And I think that's a great place to start.

Yeah, I can't remember where I just heard this and I'm sorry if some author or YouTube video, I don't know someone said this, but I think our kids need to see because I know that oftentimes physical affection and I think this might be a little bit generational, but I know that it definitely is something that's a part of my generation too, that we don't necessarily show affection to our spouse in front of our kids. Or you know, the word I use is get handsy. Right. With our spouse in front of our kids because we're trying to be appropriate and not trying to over sexualize it. But I think that if you never let them see that, that you're then creating almost this culture of like, well, I never saw my mom and dad do it. It seems secretive and I don't think that that's actually helpful. And what I heard someone say recently was that my kids should see me hugging their mom differently than I hug them. Like they should see it should be unique and different. They should see the connection and the passion and the love that I have for their mom. And I thought that, you know, that's really good. That's something that I think I can do practically that it's like I hold mom maybe a little bit longer than I do, you know, and maybe I rub her back a little bit different than I rub yours, you know, And I'm not trying to be weird. It's just, it's something that I think can be modeled and can be small, but over time may be powerful.

Yeah. I think if at some point our teenage kids don't roll their ey and say get a room, like we're doing it wrong again. We're not trying to be inappropriate purposefully. But if there's healthy sexuality in our marriage, our kids will see that. And that's what came to mind when I heard this question is like if we're married, pursuing healthy sexuality with our spouse is probably the best thing we can do because even unintentionally we're going to be modeling some healthy things about our interaction. The way we look at each other, the dates we take and our kids learn. Oh, like that's what healthy couples do. And then I loved what you said, Rodney. I just think as often as possible, creating that framework in our kids brains that our sexuality comes from God and it's blessed and it's good. And then to understand why deviations from that are harmful, painful, or sinful. Because if we don't really understand the true what's good and right, then understanding why other things aren't true is difficult to do. It comes back to the illustration. I think we've used it on the podcast. But how people who are really experts on counterfeit money don't go out and study all the counterfeits because it's always changing. They study the dollar bill, and they know. I remember watching a show. The guy was smelling it. He's like, can you just. And he's like, listing, like, six smells. And the interviewer's like, smells like money to me and makes some joke. But to the expert, like, he knew the real thing so well that the counterfeits just stood out. And I think with our kids, like, that's the goal. We want them to know the real thing that God created and blessed and intended so well that then the counterfeits kind of expose themselves. Like, why would I want that? That just doesn't make sense to me. That's good.

And I think words like tender and affection are different than sexualization or being sexual.

Yeah.

I think it's great for if you're married for your kids to see mom and dad being affectionate and being tender. And I still have images of my dad kissing and hugging my mom, you know, in the kitchen as a young kid, you know, reaching around, pat her on the bottom. You know, it wasn't so inappropriate. It was just like, well, look at dad. He's copping a feel over there. Look at my pastor dad.

Just love on my mom.

We were high schoolers. I didn't feel like it was inappropriate at all. It was just affection that they were showing. And I'm really grateful for that example. And not just in our. Our. Our actions, but also how we speak to one another. Yeah, that's just so crucial about how you talk to your spouse.

Totally. All right, let's move on to the next one. I'm guessing that it's Timo. It might be Timo. I don't know. But Timo sent in a question. Can you go over. And this is good. Question three in our journal, and specifically in Seven Pillars is where I think is being talked about on the faster scale. They asked three questions. How does it affect me? How do I feel in the moment? The second question, how does it affect the important people in my life? And then three, why do I do this? What is the benefit to me? He has difficulty answering these Sometimes. So can we help bring some clarity?

Yes. Yes. First, we've got like three podcasts on the faster scale. Listen to those. But what I'd say in each category of the faster scale, make sure you are attempting to answer those questions about one word and one word only. Because I get sometimes people in group that they're looking at the whole section and trying to kind of analyze all the words that they underline. That's why you identify anything that was true. But then you pick the one that you think was the most powerful or prevalent. And if you're not sure, just guess it's okay because you'll still get a lot of insight. So as long as you're responding to that one word, then the questions I think are helpful. Number one, how does it affect me? How do I feel? That's really just to create awareness for me to speak out how I'm feeling in the moment. Like, what is that action making me experience? The second question is to try to get outside of my own experience and ask how is this impacting other people? And that doesn't mean we have to go to them and ask them every time, like, well, how did this make you feel? Like we're just trying to put ourselves in someone else's shoes and say, how did this probably come across to them? What did it leave them feeling? Because now we're not just thinking self centeredly, we're thinking other centeredness about what do my actions do to others? And then finally the third question of what's the benefit and why do I do this? Is really asking the why question. What is in it for me? And we have to remember that at that brain level where there's punishment and rewards, that is not a moral part of our brain. That if something has a reward, even if in relationships it has a negative consequence, it may have a positive reward to our, our selfish brain that just likes things to feel good and we might choose it, even if in our faith or our theology we would call it wrong. And this is where I think a lot of group members struggle. So like, well, there's no benefit. And we're thinking kind of in our holy redeemed brain. It's like, no, no, no to your old nature. There was a ton of benefit there. What was it? So, for example, like to walk through one of those, if I've picked the word irritable for speeding up, which is fairly common on my faster scale, irritable, you know, how did I act and feel in the moment? Like, well, I felt grumpy, I Felt like I was a little tired and I just. I didn't want to deal with stuff. Then if I'm asking, well, how did that affect other people? Well, it maybe felt them, made them feel blamed, made them wonder if they'd done something wrong. Or I might say it made them feel like they didn't matter because when they asked a question, it was like, I don't have time for that. So I made them feel unimportant. Well, that's a really helpful realization. Wow. My grumpiness may have made one of my kids feel like they were worthless. Ooh, okay. And then the why question. Okay, why was I irritable? Maybe it's realizing I was trying to get too much done and I wasn't being realistic about how much time I had. Maybe I'm carrying home an unresolved situation from work and I'm taking it out on my kid. Okay, so why? Oh, I'm seeing why. And now what's the benefit for me in that example of my irritability? If I'm irritable, I push people away and I get left alone. And that's a benefit. I get to do what I want, focus on me and not worry about you. So again, in my faith in theology, that's not necessarily healthy, but to my brain, that just wants to do what feels good, that's the benefit. So hopefully talking it through helps. And I think it's good, too, with our groups if we're stuck on something. Being like this week, I was really stuck in procrastination or whatever. I'm having a hard time seeing what the benefit is. What do you all think? Often others can provide some insight into those areas.

Totally.

Yep. I think Nick kind of covered it pretty well there.

Yeah. Right.

But I would simply say what makes that make sense. I think of Adriana. PSAP trainer gave us that line.

Yes.

I agree that there's a reason why I'm trying to avoid or I, you know, I'm uncomfortable about something. So I just like that. The self discovery questions of the why do I do this? There's a reason why. And, you know, it could be just a good part stock a good part of you stuck in a wrong role, you know, and that's what you're discovering.

Yeah. I was going to read mine, but Nick went through just from a couple of weeks ago. I just. I couldn't turn off my thoughts, and that was where I was at and speeding up. And what I realized, and this is why we do things like this, is that I realized in the moment I can't trust other people to do work on, like, a situation. So for me, I'm going through the situation with. I've got friends struggling, and I've got some stresses at work and stresses at home, and I can't turn my thoughts off. And for me, if I keep my thoughts always going, it feels like a sense of control and power because I know I can trust me to do the work, but I can't trust that this person or that person's gonna do their work. And so what it does is it helps just get. I think you mentioned it to the. Why. Why was I doing this thing? And so it's just super helpful. So I won't read my entire journal from Public Skills.

I was looking for you, man. You're pulling out the journal. I was looking forward to it, man.

Well, you ruined it, so there you go.

All right. Unintentionally, our next question comes to us from a guy named Trevor Winsor. That's a funn me. What does. So, Rodney, you kind of got into this, but let's talk real practical here. What does the first conversation look like with our kids when addressing sexuality? So I imagine we're thinking 4, 5, 6, when they're starting to become aware that there's genders and body parts and functions. And what do you think that first conversation looks like?

Well, again, I go back to. They already learn language. They already know how to describe their body parts. It could look like a question they ask, or it could look like something that you experience as a family together, and you're just going to give them some guardrails about what's appropriate and what's inappropriate. I just kind of go back to some of the first questions that I recall my young kids asking when putting one of my boys to bed one night. And he said to me, daddy, how come my penis gets hard? He knew what to call it. He felt safe to ask his dad. And I didn't go up to put him to bed thinking, I hope he asked this question. Let's engage him.

Conversation, be ready.

And I said to him, well, that's how God made your body, bud. And it happens to your dad and every other man. And when he was 5 or 4 or 5, he thought I was pretty cool. So he was like, yeah, I'm just like dad, you know? And I just said, in the morning when you wake up, it means you have to go pee. And so sometimes it's just a question that they ask or you come across something inappropriate that you have to kind of address, or maybe there's a younger sibling that's of the different sex. Or, you know, it's just kind of. There's no have this conversation by this age. I think it's just kind of being aware of the moment and how you want to guide them.

I get from parents a lot in this area in those early conversations where it's like, I'm afraid of telling my kid too much too soon. And I honestly believe that if our heart is to train and in love help our kids, I'm not sure we can tell them too much too soon. Because what we're doing is we are helping their little brains create that framework. And so we talk to parents and say, you know, someone is going to create a framework for sexuality in their brains. Do you want to wait until they hear it somewhere else, or would you rather they heard it from you? And so I get parents that are nervous about saying words like sex or pornography or even naming body parts. It's like, I'd rather they hear it from my lips with a normal explanation of what we're talking about. And at an age appropriate level, I could say, as it comes up to a young child who's asking the question, I could say, well, some people think it's okay to pose without their clothes on and to put that on the computer or tv, and we call that pornography. But we can. Can you see why that's unhealthy? Like, in a little kid? Like, to them that would seem. We're like, yeah, that doesn't seem smart at all. Like, why would you do that? And so I've helped them understand what pornography is, understand that it's out there. And now if they happen to, you know, on the kindergarten playground, someone yells the word pornography. They don't have this mystery, like, what is that? And the teacher got upset, they said it. Now it's secretive. And instead it's like, oh, my mom and dad talked about that. And I've got the framework that I know where to put that. And so I feel like if we're trying to grow with them, and again, if our heart is in love to train and teach, I don't know that you can share too much too soon, because you know your kids, I think you've got a good gauge what they're ready for. Lean into those conversations, open that door and trust that God's using you to create a much better foundation and framework than if they hear about it in some random movie or YouTube video or on the bus. Like, I'd rather they hear it from me. Even if. And the other thing I say to parents, I'll stop with this. I know I'm rambling a little bit. I'll say to parents, if it is too much for them. Do you know what their brain usually does with. Goes right over them. They're like. They didn't really get that part. They kind of move on and forget it.

Let's go play, dad.

So if it was too much, they're probably not gonna remember that piece anyway. So don't sweat it too much.

Keep it short. Yeah, And I would say keep it short and simple and repeat often.

Yeah, that's good.

Yeah, just repeat often. Keep it short and simple. And, you know, my kids still laugh about saying, don't ask dad about puberty. You know, that. That was back in the day where he went into this long, you know, James Dobson dissertation of everything I ever knew. He's like, whatever you do, don't ask dad about puberty. You know, so that's one of the mistakes, I think, that I fell into trying to get so much all at once rather than small snippets along the way.

Yeah.

Lower shame and be about training and guiding.

All right, guys, let's move on to the next question. This one comes from Kim, and I think this is a question we get a lot of as well. How do I help my kids live with sexual health if. If their father. And let's just enter spouse if their spouse is sexually addicted? So maybe address it at first from a betrayed spouse, a female betrayed spouse in this context. And then let's also try to make it a little bit general.

Yeah, boy, that's a hard question here, because that's a difficult situation. And I'm kind of assuming in the question the spouse is not pursuing their health, that they're addicted and kind of ignoring it, or not aware, not willing to face it. I think a lot of prayer is what comes to mind. Praying that your kids will learn from health and not just model what's they're seeing around them. And I think even if you are the only parent, you can still work towards what we've talked about in this episode. You can work towards that environment in your home and in your relationship with them where you are leaning into healing, you're leaning into grace, you're owning your faults, you're being real and inviting that child into conversations of what things are healthy and unhealthy. And I think you probably have to really guard yourself against vilifying your spouse or putting them down. And the way that that can really, unfortunately pit a child against parents or leave them with this really weird conundrum of, man, I love my dad, but my mom keeps saying horrible things about him. And do your best to not create that situation for your child. I think to try to just talk openly about the realities of addiction and relationships without making your spouse the bad guy of every story would be important. So, yeah, not an easy situation, but I think it's something you've got to trust. Again, that we've said, if God's working in your life, if you're finding community, if you're moving towards health, that's going to translate into some healthy conversations with your kids. And the thing I've seen is, over time, the kids pick up on it. They pick up on if there's an unhealthy parent who's not dealing with their stuff and one who is, they're smart enough to see that go, man, I recognize the outcomes of this parent's life and the outcomes of this parent. And even if the parents are together, they will still see some of those patterns. So lean into your healing, lean into your story, lean into your relationship with them, and trust that God will use that without you having to throw your other spouse under the bus constantly.

Yeah, I think there's a lot of factors involved in that situation that we don't always have the details with. So are they married? Are they together? Is the spouse seeking help? Not seeking help? I mean, are they single parents? So I would just be reluctant to give a simple answer to that. But I do think, just in general, what Nick said, stay on the healthy side of what's healthy and unhealthy, and make sure that the kid feels safe to talk to you. If in any situation they feel unsafe or they see something that you are the safe parent, you want to be there to help them. But I would definitely say seek a third party and fill in the details so that you can get some specific conversations about that.

Yeah. Yeah. I think, too, if you're thinking about it, like, there are lots of resources out there, and yes, pure desire is one of them. You know, Rodney, I think about your book, how to talk with your kids about sex, Digital natives, another book that we have that we offer here, that it's okay to also go outside. Like, because you're talking about this third party and filling them in. It's also okay to go outside, even if maybe your local church body, and look for resources that might be helpful, you know, like, depending on the age. I mean, we've talked about it before. The like Brain Heart World from Fight the New Drug is a great resource that people can watch and start to understand how sexual unhealth can be so devastating. And so I think it's something that, and this is just what I've learned in my limited experience as a youth pastor, that my voice as a youth pastor had way, much more, had way more weight in a kid's life than their parents. At least in that season where I could say word for word the same thing that the parent's been saying for 13 years. You know, and they hear me say it for the first time, they're like, oh my gosh, it makes sense. There's like, you know, so I think that if we can even look for resources outside that could be helpful.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So, Rodney, this has been kind of a parent themed frequently asked questions. And maybe we should put that in the show notes so you remember that we can direct parents to this one. I think a lot of parents have this question, who should have the conversation with our kids about sex? Should it be both parents? Should it be dads with sons? Should it be moms with daughters? Or does that even change based on the age of the kids? What are your thoughts or just guidance on that area?

So I assume when you say sex, you're talking about how intercourse works in conception. So again, that can be real specific or a little bit broader just about sexuality in general. Again, just some of these principles are multiple conversations, but you may find that one parent is more of a communicator. One parent maybe just has a closer bond with that child for some reason. And I don't necessarily think that it has to always be dad with the sons or mom with the daughters. I think it's just about the parent that has that connection. And again, I think if you can do it in a family setting where the kids are all of the same age, or you maybe had it with the older kid and you could share with the younger kid. But I think just more individual conversations are typically the best. And if the kid has any questions, you know, small information. And I think really that's why I like those age appropriate books that, that you're just reading the book out loud to your kid and it's explaining how conception, how intercourse works. And so then you can just say, you know, this is how you arrived here, you know, and then reinforcing the values that go with that. We believe that the best way to bring a child into this world is in a committed covenant relationship with a husband and wife. We think this was Our design, you know, and someday when you get married, so you're reinforcing values. You're seeing it as good and healthy, you know, and that in general, I think it's important to talk about how God gave us sex for pleasure. Talk about strategic nerve endings. Mom and dad, there's a good term you can use, strategic nerve endings for bonding, you know, and for being able to procreate, to have it, to have children. And I think those are good, good things to think about.

I wonder too, and I mean, this is not a researched thing, but just knowing what I know, I think it makes sense that if I am. If I'm a young man and all I ever do is talk to just my dad about sex, there may be something where talking to women or sex and women, those two ideas don't mesh. They don't sit together. It feels like it needs to be something that's male dominated. And so I think that there can be some benefits to having both mom and dad talk to a son or a daughter about it in a way that normalizes conversations about, and not inappropriately, but conversations about body parts and about sexuality and about intercourse and about intimacy, that it's okay to have those conversations. And again, I feel like that's just more culture building for the long run than anything else.

Yeah, yeah, I totally agree with you. I think it's really healthy if there's an environment, if possible, obviously in the home where both parents are engaged in these conversations, creating that kind of environment. If the question is just about the kind of the sex talk, the biology of how does sex work? I think there are some natural reasons why having someone of the same gender have that talk is just more comfortable. But I think over time there may be different roles that the different parents play. I remember that a coworker of ours, Brian Roberts, said that in their home he would focus on trying to have those conversations with his daughter before puberty. And then at puberty it shifted to his wife and vice versa with their son. His wife tried to be more engaged with the son early in life. And then at puberty have Brian be more active. And that actually just made a lot of sense to me, thinking right now I've got two teenage daughters and there are definitely conversations they're just a lot more comfortable having with their mom. And it makes sense. I'm not offended by that. But at the same token, like what you just shared, Trevor, if I never again mention anything, that will create, I think, some gaps. And so I love that in our home, we're Having conversations about dating and boys and girls, relationships and even boundaries and, you know, what, what's, what's okay. Kissing and what's not. And yeah, like that I'm involved in some of those too, because it's, it's a perspective and that my girls know that. Well, now, that's not off limits with dad. So, sure, certain conversations they're not going to come to me with because they're comfortable with their mom, but. But that doesn't mean I just, you know, now get to check out because I'm, quote, unquote, done helping them and focus on my boys. I, I think staying engaged is what I would say to parents. Like, yeah, don't force your way in. And if the other spouse has a really good connection, that's great. But staying engaged to look for ways that I can play a role, speak into the situation and help them develop a healthy view of sexuality that covers both sides, male and female.

If you're emotionally connected with your children, this will be much easier because it can be an awkward conversation. But that emotional connection, that's why start young and foster connection with those kids, that's a, that's, to me, a real pivotal point in this whole conversation is that you're emotionally connected, they feel safe, and they trust you.

Yeah. Such a good way to end. Guys, we did it. We made it through another FAQ episode. We love these episodes because we're able to answer real questions, give real answers. And thank you so much for those of you that sent questions in for this. If you want to submit questions for future FAQ episodes and also if you have topics or series ideas, please send them. You can email us podcasturedesire.org again, that's podcasturedesire.org or you can message or DM us with your questions on social media. Rodney, we love having you, man. Thanks for joining us today.

It's great to be here. Thank you so much. And I got my team 58 swag going on today. There you can see.

Yep.

I just again, would encourage people, this is such a wonderful place to invest in as we're helping men and women. So join the team. Be one of us that contribute on a monthly basis to Pure Desire. You can find it on the website.

That's awesome. And wherever you're at on your journey, Pure Desire is here to help create a roadmap for your healing. If you or someone you know is impacted by sexual brokenness, you can go to PureDesire.org and let's start the healing journey today. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast. Each week we put out new content to help you on the road to the freedom and the effects of sexual brokenness and betrayal, trauma. And last lastly, never stop being healthy.