234 - 2021: A Year In Review

You're listening to the Pure Desire Podcast, your safe place to find hope, healing, and freedom from sexual addiction, betrayal, and relationship issues. Hey, hey, hey. I am your host, Trevor Windsor, and you're listening to episode 234 of the Pure Desire Podcast. You're joining me as always, my co host, Nick Stumbo.

Syrup and coffee? Why didn't I think of that?

So we're hoping. We're just hoping that our listeners have recently seen that movie and know exactly what you're talking about.

Yes. There is a question of how many different podcast interests can I take from the same movie?

Yeah.

Because I'd probably need to go back through, but I bet that's five or six now from the movie Elf. And for sure, every time we get to Christmas, I do one from Elf. It is for my family. Kind of the inauguration of the Christmas season is watching that. But also, I was thinking about that quote, because it is. He's learning a new thing.

Right.

And today's episode, I think, is an opportunity just for us to share some things that we've seen and learned and maybe someone partway through. Go. Why didn't I think of that? Because it's not necessarily revolutionary stuff. It's just good ideas and good content, and we promise it won't get you drunk. Okay, hold on.

I'm working. I'm working to get past that one. Okay, let's just. Let's get in. So you and I, we just. Just. Just you and me, we just sat down. There was no guest. We don't need a guest. We can carry a podcast. But we sat down to review 2021 and really look for. Look forward into 2022. What can health and recovery look like?

Yeah. And I think it's important for all of us to do this in life, in recovery. Just those moments to kind of pause and say, what am I learning? What do I need to work on moving forward? And again, I think that's what today's episode is about, is just to try to provide some perspective on where we're at in the world and recovery and what might it look like? And maybe not all of it applies to every one of you, but hopefully a lot of it does, and it will stir your thinking about what kind of things do you really want to develop in the coming year.

Yeah. And I love these episodes because I feel like we're able to speak more than just to healing and recovery work specifically, but also look at some of the things on the peripheral that actually help with our recovery and healing. A few things before we get to it, subscribe to the podcast. We're on all the major platforms. And listen, We've been at 391 reviews for a couple weeks now. I'm gonna need somebody to get in there. Okay? I'm gonna need somebody to get in there. Give us a nice review. Be honest, but give us a nice review. Let us know how you feel about it. It does help other people find the podcast. You can also follow us on social media earedesirepdmi and these full episodes are now up on YouTube. Just search Pure Desire Ministries. And then, Nick, we did this a couple episodes ago. We just want to remind people again that we offer a free 15 minute consultation for our Pure Desire clinical program.

Yes, we do.

Okay. Want me to talk about it?

We encourage you if you've ever thought, is Pure Desire counseling a good fit for me? Is what I'm going through applicable? Is this what they help with? Am I a good candidate for the program? That's what the consultation is about. It's not 15 minutes of free counseling. It's 15 minutes of understanding. Is counseling a good fit for me? And it is free because we just want you to be able to ask your questions, talk with one of our clinicians, and then from there decide really what you're ready to move forward with. So highly encourage it. You can go on the website, you can schedule a time and be able to get some of your questions answered.

Absolutely. So a recap. You learn more about counseling, you ask questions about our program and processes, and then we'll discuss next steps. So for a free counseling consultation, just visit PureDesire.org consultation All right, here is the last episode of 2021 with just you and I, and we're talking through 2021, a year in review. Nick, it's just you and me today.

And there goes half our listeners. Thanks for mentioning it.

It's okay. In the intro you'll hear that it's just us today anyway, so they've already checked out. Now we're just adding a double dose of like.

So those that are still listening, they are. They're. They're the faithful, the true. The true fans. We appreciate you very much. We.

We do. We have a podcast mug for you. Okay, so today we want to talk about 2021. Another interesting year in our world, for sure, on a lot of different levels. We want to recap the year, look at some healthy practices for moving into 2022, and then give some encouragement on really just how to stay healthy in the next year, for sure. All right. So 2021 was a crazy year in so many ways. And I've seen some memes on this too, but it feels like 2021 was just side B of 2020. You know, remember those cassette tapes where you had to flip it and listen? Sorry, I know.

I'm.

This is not really my. You know, it's more. Anyways, I'm gonna move on. So, like, 2020, basically, part two. So aside from the ups and downs of really the pandemic, which we were just talking before we started courting, recording, that there's just still so many things that are uncertain about the pandemic and everything that's going on with COVID But what are some other things, maybe aside from the pandemic, that were difficult that 2021 brought?

Yeah, I think in the year we've been through because of, I mean, everything from the pandemic to mandates and vaccines and differing opinions, and obviously still the political landscape being very contentious. And you used the word already. But I think one of the major factors that impacts the recovery journey is uncertainty, that sense of being unsettled, of not knowing what to count on, maybe having something start or stop or not knowing when it will start. And I really think for the person in recovery, and this can be whether they're in recovery from their own struggle or from betrayal, trauma. Having healthy structure in our life, whether it's relationships or routines or self care, is really significant. And I think for a lot of people, 2021 just created that uncertainty that maybe has been a challenge. And I think we can talk more about ways that we address that. And the other thing I think I've felt a lot about, and I'm hearing a ton from in particular, like youth culture, is just how much anxiety there is in our world. And anxiety, I think, is fueled by fear and the unknown and people getting sick, people losing jobs. I mean, there's just anxiety for so many things. And I think the danger for us in recovery is the way it's what I call. I call it restless anxiety. It's anxiety that we don't even necessarily know exactly where it's coming from. We just feel it in our body or in our brains. And it just. I think it's the sort of thing that can lead us into unhealthy choices and ways of coping or numbing out or escaping, because often we don't name it until maybe we're already veering into something unhealthy. So anxiety is something I think, that we've seen a lot more of. And the third Thing that came to mind for me is just the level of anger in our society, because everything right now does seem to be divisive. And even if we don't see ourselves as kind of a polarized person. And that's kind of my personality. I tend to be a centrist on a lot of things. I kind of see both sides and see it both ways, and I understand there's two sides to every story. But even for me, someone that kind of almost prides himself on being a central kind of thinker on a lot of stuff, it's just easy to get caught up in the anger around us and just somewhat like anxiety. I think anger tends to become what I would call, like, a justifying emotion. This like, well, because I'm angry, then it's okay that I overate, or it's okay that I numbed out on Facebook way longer than I needed to, or that I, you know, just binge Netflix or whatever I'm doing to kind of deal with my anger. It's like, well, it better that than exploding on someone. And to a degree, that might be right, like, yeah, I'm glad you didn't yell at your wife or kids. But it's unprocessed anger that just continues to drive us into unhealthy choices. And I. I think right now we just live in a very angry culture. And even if we don't see ourselves as an angry person, it's an emotion that is just so prevalent, we've probably been caught up and impacted by it some way or another. So I think those three things, I just encourage people to really, at this kind of reflection point between years of, like, how much uncertainty is there in my life, how much anxiety and how much anger? Because those are things that can really drive us into a lot of unhealthy patterns.

Well, and I think to your point about anger, we don't have a lot of ways that we've been taught to process our anger. Well, you know, I have a really close friend that we talk about this often, that specifically for men, we're taught that anger is really the only emotion you can show. And I realized, too, that there's a downside to that, too, that women in so many ways are taught that they can't show anger, that it's not ladylike or it's not proper or whatever it may be. And so I think we don't really know how to express that anger. What's the outlet for that? And so I think a lot of that is a downfall if we are experiencing that anger, I know I experienced it for sure this year. I think part of that anger too, is that any decision you make, especially when it comes to, like, vaccines. And again, we're not a political show. We don't claim to be that by any means, but this is something that impacts us. We live in a world that has a lot of political forces going back and forth on stuff. But I think that any decision I make, whether to get vaccinated or not get vaccinated, to wear a mask or not wear a mask, to stay in my homes and not, you know, not go out or not homes, I don't have multiple homes. Stay in your home or go out. Every decision there's someone who's. It's going to bring scrutiny, you know, to your point of, like, people being angry and this divisive nature. And to me, every decision I make, like, automatically people are going to think it's the wrong decision. That is very stressful and anxiety inducing to me. And so I think that that's definitely another one. And. And honestly, if we think about recovery and addiction, a lot of it has to do with safety. You know, we grew up and it wasn't something that we felt safe in our homes or in certain situations. And we reached out to that numbing out of pornography, masturbation, love addiction, whatever it may be, and did that in a way to bring safety. And right now, the world does not feel like a safe place for most people, if probably for all people. And so I think that that's also another thing that we need to consider is that those feelings we had when we were maybe a kid or growing up where we weren't safe and we needed that thing to numb out with, which played a role and helped us survive, you know, first, trying to stay healthy. There aren't a lot of things, you know, like one of the biggest things with this pandemic has been you're isolated and you're at home. And the one thing to help you with isolation and break out of that is to have relationship and be in community with people. But people are saying, no, no, no, we can't do that. And so I think it's just added a huge challenge of how do I create safety when it's such an unsafe world.

Yeah, yeah. So like you said, in a lot of ways, 2021 felt like side B of 2020. And so as we've brought up these issues, what are some of the ways we might encourage listeners to deal with things like stress, trauma and anxiety? Because there is no guarantee that 2022 will look all that different. So how can we learn to manage these strong emotions better?

Honestly, the biggest thing for me is talking about my emotions and doing it in a way where I'm inviting people in to help me process through it, to help me make connections. I think for me, I'm not an overly emotional person. I tend to be very much in my head and my thoughts. And so I'm driven by thoughts and not emotion. And so for me, I'll like, I'll just logic away all those emotions that I have and not allow myself to feel them. And when those get bent up, they come out sideways. And so I think that that's one of the biggest things that I would encourage. And it's this two sided thing where it's talk about your emotions, share them with other people and allow them to help you make sense of it. I think that that's how for me, I'm working on that in my own recovery and I see so many people could benefit from that, that owning, identifying and sharing with other people the emotions that we're experiencing.

Yeah, yeah. I think things that come to mind for me are like journaling, you know, getting out on paper so I can see what I'm dealing with and even have a record of where was I a week ago, a month ago, a year ago? I've, I found that to be tremendously helpful through my life. And I think the question of just routinely asking ourselves, why? Why am I feeling what I'm feeling? And what we've said on the podcast several other times, like, what makes this make sense? Because if I'm feeling a heightened level of anxiety, stress, anger, fear, whatever emotion I'm really aware of, there's a why behind it. Those emotions, again, like we said on the podcast, are just indicators of deeper things. They're like the warning lights on the dashboard saying, something's going on in the engine, you need to go check it out. And I think the more we ask and get at the why question, it can help us do some deeper work with others and with ourselves and with God. You know, just a small example this from my own life, you know, I'm, I realize I get very passionate about sports and I tend to be a competitive person and for that reason we'll sometimes avoid competitions because I know my, my, um, but it's been a really tough year for my NFL football team. Uh, as you know, the Seattle Seahawks are really struggling and I really like, it's not just that I'm disappointed when they lose. Like, there are Deep, like, anger, emotions, frustration. And as I ask the why question, one of the things I realized that tucked into my thinking, there's this thought pattern that if. If my team plays poorly, people who know I'm a fan of that team will make fun of me, and they will think less of me, which is kind of some childhood wounds and trauma there of being mocked and ridiculed by friends over things. And just realizing it tapped in that I was like, wow, I'm. I am really at a deep level, like, connecting this. What's supposed to be, you know, a fun, engaging thing of sports that I have zero, you know, say over what the Seahawks do or whether they win or lose. And yet I connect with it as if my reputation is on the line.

Yeah.

And so that doesn't necessarily mean I solved that problem. It's an ongoing issue. But it did help me see what. What's driving the emotion and what are. What are some things. I need to step into it, to work through that in a. In a better way.

It's. It's interesting to me because when you share that, I think there would have been a time in life where I'd have been like, that's just childish. Like, why? Like, it's just sports. Like, you don't know Russell Wilson. You don't know Pete Carroll.

Like, feel like I do. Totally.

Totally.

But.

But it's not like, you know, it's connected to. To so many things. So I think what I love about you asking that question is instead of shaming yourself, like, I shouldn't feel this way. It's just sports. You are, to use Jenna Rezma's language, you're moving toward that. You're not moving away. You're not trying to avoid it. And I like that. I think that's a really helpful thing, that if something bothers you, whether it seems childish or ridiculous or whatever, there's something there. Like, it doesn't just bother you. It's not superficial. There's something to it. So that's a good word for. For people is ask, why. Why am I feeling this way? So again with 2020 and now 2020, part two, being 2021, there was a lot of negative that happened. We're not going to talk a lot about that anymore. But I want us to look at what are some positive things that 2021 brought, whether it's in the church, it's in the world and culture, or maybe even here at Pure Desire. What are some things that are positive? Like, let's lean that way a little Bit.

Yeah. You know, I think we're seeing the value of human connection and in particular, I'll say, honestly, in person connection.

Yeah.

That there is definitely some efficiencies of zoom meetings and we do them all the time here. But when you're actually able to sit in a room with someone or hang out with them in person and, and have that person to person connection, there's, there's meaning there. And I remember like early in this year, even at the tail end of 2020, you know, getting to go back to some things we hadn't done in a long time and it's like, and this is so good, it's so good to be together. And I think there were just a lot of things as a society we took for granted that we're remembering how much connection means to us. And I think that's a real positive because we're wired that way. Another positive, you know, that I'm seeing is just the way we're. And this might sound odd at first, but hear me out, we are, we are so fractured, I think as a society right now that I am hopeful that we're relearning the ability to be friends with people that don't think like us. Because initially in 2020, like when the pandemic started, I think it was to a degree it was possible to kind of find people that were thinking about the issues mostly the way you were. But the more this has gone on, the more the issues have become multi layered and now it's, you know, it's not just to shut down or not shut down. That was like 2020. Now it's the mandates and the vaccines and the new variants and all the different, you know, regulations and things that are coming out. Like if you can find someone that thinks about every issue the way you do, you probably haven't talked about enough of the issues because you're going to find disagreement with every single person. Right, Totally. And I think just realizing like, oh, we don't have to be in these camps of like pro vaccine, anti vaccine, pro, like, yeah, we can, we can come to a deeper commonality and you know, as we believe that commonality in Christ, in our recovery groups like, what we have in common is far stronger. And if on some of the issues we have disagreements, I think we're learning, like we can be okay, we can navigate through this, you know, real positive. At PD too. As I'm thinking about where we sit today is just this year for us, a major focus was putting together a group leader training video series and so I know that's not necessarily related to our conversation, but as I look at 2021, I think that's going to be a huge highlight of just putting into video format some of the principles that Ted Nahan Roberts implemented in groups 20 years ago. They created a video training series probably 20 years ago that is badly outdated. I mean, great content, but badly outdated. So, just so excited that we've been able to do that process and really looking forward to having that come out in 2022.

Yeah, we're really excited about that. We just very recently wrapped shooting for that, and so we're really excited about where that's going. Okay. A couple things that came to mind for me, and I think if you've been listening to the podcast for last year, maybe year and a half, you will probably have noticed that there is more. More of our conversations seem to be also moving toward the betrayal trauma side and not meaning that we didn't value that before. But I just, what I'm sensing is a, is a higher level of comfort talking about it even inside the church. Just thinking about this last year, becoming more familiar with the organizations out there that directly work with and help betrayed spouses. But even, you know, we released an ebook, you know, seven Keys to Understanding Betrayal Trauma. If you look at the podcast list from this last last year, a lot had to deal with betrayal trauma. And so I just sense that that voice is growing, not in a bad way at all, but in a positive way is growing louder and more prevalent. And I think that that's great because that's giving voice to what people are experiencing and also is giving people the courage to step out and ask for help and pursue it. You know, for us, we are in the middle of revamping our Betrayal and Beyond content workbook for women who are betrayed spouses. And honestly, I'm really, really excited to see that because our staff, it feels like too here at Pure Desire, has really circled around that topic and wanted to work to reach those women and really help. So that's one thing. The second thing, and I think this is something in culture that we've been seeing over the last couple years, but just the negative effects of pornography, specifically with pornography being directed toward children, toward young children, and then also just the negative impact it has with relationships with the brain, with, you know, its connection to sex trafficking. I just feel like that voice is also getting a lot more loud. And I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that we're seeing people. My favorite part, I want these people to come to know the Lord. But my favorite part is when I watch people who are not associated with the church, don't follow Jesus, are talking about the things that we're talking about in the church of how damaging this is to relationships, how damaging this is to life. And so those are two things I've seen that are just really, really encouraging to me from this last year.

Yeah. So as we do look at like the coming year and heading into 2022, it does feel like a lot that we've been experiencing we will continue to experience. Whether it's political upheaval, virus issues, mandate issues. Like there's just a lot that's carrying forward and feels now maybe too normal. Like this is just our world. So with that in mind, what kind of practices or habits would we suggest that, that people really lean into in terms of building health in 2022?

Yeah, I've got four of them that I wrote down that I'm working to practice in my life. Wow, four. I know.

Overachiever man.

Um, so. Well, the, the first one, I'm not an overachiever. This is something that me and my wife started prioritizing at the end of 2019. Was practicing Sabbath every week. Um, and I think that that's something that's just so valuable for us that we take a 24 hour period where we're not on our phones, we're not on social media, we are not working. Like we're truly resting in. We're, we're relaxing, we're resting and we're refreshing as a family. And that's been a really, really cool rhythm. Um, I wish I go into all the ways I feel like it's impacted me personally and my family, but it's just a great practice. Another spiritual discipline that I would encourage people to look into is creating or crafting a rule of life. It's basically you create a structure for how you're going to live your life. It's basically putting it down on paper. These are the things I'm going to do, these are the things I'm not going to do. These are the practices and disciplines I want to implement to become the person of peace that I want to become. I want to become more like Christ. And so that's something as we go into 2022, I've worked on it a little bit, but I really want to reestablish what my rule of life is and do that with people, invite people into that. The third one I had is just one of my favorite things. One of my favorite Practices I do. And it's journaling. You've already talked about it so far in this episode. Something that allows me to, in so many ways, like, dive into the pool of my emotions and my thoughts and just swim around and be present with them. But it's also a way that I can connect it to my conversations with the Lord. And it's just great because. And I'll just say there's this hidden thing. And I've said this to you before in conversations. I've shared this a lot with other people that when I journal my prayers, I actually did this a couple days ago. I'll go back and look at months back and look at what I was praying for and look at some of the things like, oh, that's still there. But then also identify. This is the answered prayers that I've gotten. Like, the Lord has answered this prayer and this prayer and look at where life has gone for me. It creates these, like, signposts, you know, that I can. These mile markers I can look back on in 2021. This is the last one for me. In 2021, for the first time in my life, I started therapy. I meet with a counselor every other week, and it has been truly. We've been meeting for only a couple months. It has been incredible. Just the ability to sit down with someone and share and process out loud and help have them help you make sense of what's going on and give you the. To manage your emotions and your thoughts and your behaviors. Jacob has been an incredible blessing in my life, and I've just been thankful for that because I've been going through a pretty tough season the last. Really, the last year. And he's been able to help me make connections and clip the connections that actually aren't there in so many ways. And so I think even more so than I ever have, I would encourage people that therapy is absolutely a practice to implement.

Yeah. Yeah, well. And we have a team of 15 therapists that would love to get to know your name and have you say, I'm thankful for my PD therapist. As I think about it, you know, looking into the next year, we talk about guardrails a lot, mostly in terms of, you know, helping someone stay safe from their old addictive pattern or helping a betrayed spouse rebuild trust and feel safe. But I really would remind listeners that guardrails are just about health and what keeps me healthy. And I think we need to have some honest assessment of, in the culture we're in, what moves us towards health and what doesn't. And so, you know, seeing a lot of people just be aware that being connected on social media all day every day is not healthy for them. And, and people taking timeouts, which is great, but I also think of things just like, I'm only going to check it once a day during this time when I know I can, you know, update my status, see what some friends are up to, but not get embroiled in some of the conflict. Or maybe for others, it's watching news or what you're reading. Just if you realize there are certain activities you routinely do that create the stress, anxiety, fear, anger, creating healthy guardrails around how I consume those things or maybe not have them in my life because my health is worth it. And so with that, I think it's just a great time, especially end of a year into a new year, to just pull out a three circles tool if you have one, and if you've never used one, creating one that just defines that middle circle of what would I consider a relapse or what are things that I've committed not to doing. The middle, the in between circle, what are the healthy guardrails that I'm choosing to follow? And then the outer circle, what are the healthy practices I pursue? Because what I was really going to get at is we've probably all found in 2021 things we do to cope, whether it's eating, drinking, you know, the social media in unhealthy ways. Are we continuing to develop what I can do instead? We've said it before, but how Dr. Ted Roberts talks about that we were all designed to be addicted to Jesus, but we learned to be addicted to something else. And I really think that can be a positive reminder to say, yes, my faith in Christ is central. And also I've just got a personality that reaches out to things to kind of meet a need or make me feel good. And if those things are healthy relationships, exercise, being with friends, going for a walk, just things that refuel and rebuild me. We want to create those patterns in our life. And so I think this is a great time just to say to ourselves, what are the practices I want to do less of and the things I need to do more of so that I'm really walking in health this year.

Absolutely. So let's look at that a little bit more. With so much anxiety, uncertainty of facts, uncertainty of safety, and really many churches and communities, if they're not, they're not meeting in person at all, they might have a hybrid. It's just, it's not what we're Used to still, in so many ways, what should recovery with all that stuff in 2022, as we move into the new year, what should recovery look like?

Yeah, I think in terms of recovery, I would ask the question, what can I commit to? What. What will be my structure? And so maybe it looks different than it would have a couple of years ago. But if. If you're saying I'm in an online group or I've got a circle of friends that I meet with my encouragement would be commit to it and make it a high priority that you say, I just. I don't miss. Because with so much that is uncertain, to know you've got something reliable that creates a checkpoint, that creates relationship, I think is just absolutely crucial. And another thing that comes to mind just in thinking of recovery is remembering the right thing to do is often the hard thing to do. That often what we need to do is address the areas where we're making excuses. And I think the season we're in, whether it's Covid or politics or all this stuff, it is easy to listen to excuses like, well, you know, they require masks so I don't go. Or, well, they, you know, I'd have to get this done. And so I just. I don't participate. Like, I think sometimes we need to have an honest conversation with ourselves and trusted friends of like, am I just taking the easy way out by not engaging in things that would be healthy for me? Whether it is counseling being in a group, going through some kind of recovery process? We need to lean in and do hard things. And I think this season has maybe made us a little bit fearful of doing those things. And this would just be a great time to recognize what have I avoided, what excuses am I listening to and how could I choose to do the right thing, even if it's the hard thing?

Yeah. I think the only thing I'd add is just to pay attention. I think with the newness of everything that we've had over the last couple years is with these new experiences with not having maybe a community that we meet with every single week, or maybe some of the rhythms we had with relationships. I know for Amy and I, like our relationships with our friends, the rhythm has absolutely been wild. Where it's like, do you remember when we used to hang out with friends every week? And it's like, sometimes we go weeks on end where it's just like, we need to have somebody over. Like, this feels weird. I think it just pay attention because there are things that we're experiencing, you know, what comes to mind is like, lack of connection and community can very quickly lead to isolation. And then we find ourselves maybe doing some habits after this last, like two years, this last year and a half to two years where it's like, why am I back in that old behavior again? I don't understand. And so my encouragement is just pay attention. Like, what are the things that you're seeing? What are the things that trigger you? What are the things you're experiencing? Maybe it's at. Maybe you're working from home and you feel like you are just surrounded by chaos, you know, with your. Your family or roommates around. Maybe it's, you know, the lack of face to face connection and that's having an impact. So I think if just pay attention to how different the world has been and how those things are impacting us, I think is a really important piece to recovery because what we'll realize is that when we get into certain situations, we're still feeling the same wounds that we had before. They're just getting poked differently than they had been in the past. So pay attention. That's my. That's my thing.

Well, I know this is a question you really like Trevor. Yeah. To really give people some book recommendations, podcast resources, what are, what are things like that we would recommend people check out in 2022 just to add to their library of health and recovery.

I got four books in a podcast, so I'll start with the books. There's a book called Love thy Body by Dr. Nancy Pearcey, and she talks about what's called personhood theory, and it's really the ideological backbone to abortion, to LGBTQ issues, to the general sex ethic in our culture, to euthanasia, a lot of things like that. And what she does is she argues that your body is actually part of being created in the image of God and it has tons of value. And how the world, though it may seem like they're valuing the body more than Christians or followers of Jesus are, it's actually the opposite. She makes a really good argument for that. And so I highly, highly suggest, especially someone who's in recovery would read or listen to the audiobook of that one I just finished by one of my favorite authors, John Mark Comer. It's his brand new book called Live no Lies and talks about how we combat the world, the flesh and the devil, and how a lot of the things that we do fight are lies that are taught to us or that we consume. And the idea that we're not. If we're not being formed into the image of Jesus. It doesn't mean that we're not being formed. We're always being formed either into the image of the world in our enemy or the image of Jesus. And so excellent book. I powered through that one very quickly and I would suggest you do that one, two More Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. It's amazing. I cannot, it's a huge book. I cannot cover everything, but your body holds the trauma that you experience, and your body, in so many ways does keep the score. If you read any book in 2022 from my, from my stance, read that book, please. And then another one that I think a lot of people in recovery need to be aware of is one called Gentle and Lowly by Dane Ortland. And it is an exploration of Jesus statement about his heart, that his heart is gentle and lowly. And it's an exploration of truly how Jesus, how God, how the Trinity, how they feel about us, and how their approach to us is not arms crossed, cranky in the sky. It is someone who's compassionate and is with us and is gentle toward us. So that's a big one. And then for many of our listeners, I hope they've checked it out. But you and I are big fans of the podcast the Rise and Fall of Mars Hill. Sorry, did you not want me to say that out loud? I'm a huge fan of this podcast. Nick will tell you if he is or not by Christianity Today. And it really is just an exploration of Mark Driscoll and the church that was Mars Hill in Seattle that was really big. But what I love about it is it's an exploration, a journalistic exploration of spiritual trauma and the cultures in our church and the negative impacts that can happen when we become so personality centric and we become about numbers and we really don't look at. We don't look critically at what's happening in our churches. And so I think that it's a, it's not a fun listen. You're not just going to be so pumped and want to, like, go, you know, run through the field with your friends. You're going to want to, like, sit down and maybe like, I don't know, I feel like I need a glass of whiskey after every episode. But it is so well done and is very. It just helps you think through the culture in the church in a really positive way.

Yeah, I enjoy it because I lived in Washington for all the years of the rising fall of Mars Hill. And so a lot of these were stories I knew kind of peripherally and to get the insight of what was really happening has been very, very interesting. I feel the approach has a little bit of an anti megachurch bias and some things that I'm not totally on board with. But what I do really like about it is how it's analyzing the culture of spiritual leadership and why is it so hard for people in leadership to be real, to be authentic, to ask for help, to be humble? I just, all the issues, I think stem from a lot of arrogance and separation from people that could have spoken into Mark Driscoll's life and being accountable to someone. And really all the things in recovery, we say, if you want to be a healthy person, you need these things. And I would say Mark Driscoll was not unique in that. Even though he's a unique person, he was not unique in the challenges he faced as being a well known leader. And we're seeing carnage like that happen to spiritual leaders all over our country. And so I do hope that pure desire can be a part of a revolution of leadership. And so I'm intrigued by the podcast for a lot of those reasons. Yeah, those are great books. The three that I want to recommend are three I have not read, but I'm looking forward to reading because I really know and trust these authors. The first is a favorite author of mine named Gary Thomas. He wrote a book that I wasn't aware of called when to Walk Away. And I'm intrigued to read it. It was recommended to me. Just an understanding of when relationships become toxic, when, when people are not helpful and what does it look like to create those kind of guardrails and boundaries that might mean there's not really relationship anymore. And doing that in a way that honors God because to me, the way I grew up is like, you should just always be trying to work on relationship with everyone and, and to ever walk away would just be like anti Christian. And yet the friend who recommended it to me, that's exactly what he pointed out. He's like, think of all the times Jesus walked away from people. Like, he didn't try to keep reaching out to Pharisees and people that were self righteous. He's like, I've come for those that know they need a doctor, that know they're sick. And if you don't think you need my help, sayonara.

Yeah, got more people to help over here.

Yeah, so I'm looking forward to that. Sheila Ray Gregoire, favorite on the podcast this year is writing a new book called A Good Guy's Guide to great sex. Some of you've maybe heard of her book, A Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. This is really for the men and I'm super excited about it. I've been getting to read a preview copy and if you've appreciated what she shared on her podcast, this book is a must read. And then the final one, just another favorite author of ours is Kurt Thompson, and he's got a new book, the Soul of Desire. Really analyzing our desires, where they come from, and how we live with them in a way that honors God. So looking forward to those three books this year.

Totally. So we hope that those suggestions help you with your content library for 2022. And we truly believe that one way to make sure that recovery is continually happening is that we're continuing to grow, to learn, to press into maybe some areas that we do need growth and we do need more information and we do need encouragement. So we hope that you take some of those suggestions and that you also find really great resources. Obviously, we believe and know that most of you who are listening do use pure desire resources, but listen, supplemental stuff is always encouraged. Please continue to learn and grow. All right, so let's end the episode with this question. And it's very obviously it can be very vague, but what do we want to encourage people with, you know, wherever they're at? Think of all the different types of people that are listening to the podcast. What do we want to encourage them to maybe consider or to do as we move into the new year?

Yeah. Yeah. There's two quotes that honestly I've been kind of just pondering on, especially as we move towards a new year. And it's kind of that season of like, okay, what am I working on? And the first one I honestly believe is original to me and that I said it in a sermon a lot of years ago and it's so convicting to me that I keep coming back to it. Yeah. And what I said way back when was this that I will not be tomorrow anything. I'm unwilling to be today. And I think a lot of us get in this mindset. I want to one day I'm going to be this great, deep, wise, spiritual person. Right. And yet today I'm not willing to take time to really be with God or go deeper or we feel like I'm man, I just want to be this great dad and have this great relationship with my kids. And yet today I'm not willing to take the time to play a game with my boys or go for a walk with my Wife or go out, you know, for coffee with my daughter, like this. There's all these things. And I think what is helpful for me in that is it can be easier for me to look at who do I want to be 10 years from now, what do I want my legacy to be? And then to kind of rewind and go, well, if that's who I want to be, what should that look like today? Because I'll never be that tomorrow unless I start walking in some of those things today. And so that's what I'm looking at in the new year. How do I implement more regular practices like that? The second quote is not unique to me, but I really also feel a connection to it and connected to the first one. But the quote says that our life is the accumulation of many small, seemingly insignificant decisions. That in the moment, the things we choose to do, to spend our time on, to occupy our thoughts, to watch on tv, really over time define who we are. And the challenge is that in the moment, none of them feel that important. But we look back and we realize that's defined who I am. And so I'm just making choices about media use and cell phone use and things that I'm like these small, seemingly insignificant choices are adding up to a way of life that honestly isn't, I think, really helping me be the person I want to be. So both those quotes go to the idea just kind of at the more micro level, analyzing who I am and the choices I make so that over time on the macro level, they really influence the kind of person I'm becoming.

Yep, absolutely. The only thing I would add to that, honestly is just scheduling self care. I think we would love to assume or hope or think that self care just happens and it doesn't. We get busy, we are doing our job, we're caring for our families, we're doing our recovery work. But I think that, and I've said this recently on the podcast that one of my favorite authors, Michael Hyatt, says that what gets scheduled gets done. And I think that it's a really important piece to schedule self care and just some examples. Going to see a movie, for me, honestly, going to see a movie by myself is one of those things. I'm just able to disconnect and go and I come back in a better mood. But maybe you go with other people reading golf a spa day. Heaven forbid we set up a spa day for ourselves and just go. I think in some ways we feel like it's selfish and get too. We act like as if it's selfish care, and it's not. It's self care. And so I think that scheduling it is really something that I think a lot of people, especially in our day and age right now with where we're at, need to do in recovery as we move in. So I would ask the listeners do that with me in 2022, because I just. I want to become more. I want it to become a habit.

Sorry, I just got this funny image as you talk about going to a movie by yourself. I'm picturing all these listeners that joined you, and there's this theater of all these people sitting by this stuff. Just individuals with, like, 10 empty chairs around. They'll be like, hey, we all joined Trevor by our.

Hey, listen, that's fine. I'm totally cool with that. I just. I'm always gonna sit in the second row from the top on the far left, the outside seat.

So if you see him there, leave him alone.

Leave me alone. He's practicing self care. No. Yes. But no. Okay. Leave me alone. Don't go to my movies. Okay. So again, 2021, crazy year. A lot of things happened. A lot of. A lot of bad things, a lot of difficult things happened, but a lot of good things are also happening. And my counselor recently told me that grieving something is, yes, identifying and sitting with those things that we don't have or the things that do hurt, or the things that we wish we had and we don't. But it's also looking at what we do have as a way to. To really absorb this posture of gratitude, identifying those things. And I think that's something we need to do, especially in the last couple years we've had is grieve, but also really work toward gratitude. And so we hope this episode has helped you reflect on this last year and really make a plan, because I think that that's what we believe, that if you can make a plan, you can work that plan, and that's how health and recovery continues. So we hope that 2022 is a great year for you and Nick, for you and I. This is the end of our podcasting for 2021. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is there something I don't know?

We did it another year.

Yes.

Another year in the books, man. I know we've been doing this for. For four years, four and a half years now, but, yeah, another year wrapped. And I just. I'll say this. You know this, but I want to say it publicly, too. Like, I appreciate the partnership that you and I. We've been On a lot. We've done this a lot.

Many, many, many.

And I think good stuff. I think we're a great team. And I love doing this with you. It's one of my favorite parts of my job. And so I appreciate you continuing to record these with me.

Yeah, thanks, man. I'm just glad people are still listening, otherwise we would have had to stop.

That's right.

So thank you to our listener, because it is. It's your feedback. It's the numbers of you that over the year have said it encourages you. You stumbled along the podcast. You stumbled upon the podcast at a time you really needed it. It's been helpful in your journey. And that, honestly, is what fuels us to keep doing it, because you do. You look at the number, like 235 podcasts. Like, how is it that we haven't said everything we need to say yet? How many episodes will it take? And it's not necessarily about covering the topic. It's really the relationship we have with you, the listener, and encouraging you. And I know many of you have just made us a regular part of your week, and for that, we're grateful. And we hope each of you has a fantastic 2022 as well. And, yeah, I enjoy it too, Trevor. So here's. Here's to another year.

Let's do it.

Go 2022.

Let's do it. And remember, wherever you're at on your journey, pure desire is here to help create a roadmap for your healing. If you or someone you know is impacted by sexual brokenness or betrayal trauma, go to PureDesire.org and let's start the healing journey today. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast. Tell all your friends about it. Listen, we put out new content every week, and we're trying to help you on the road to healing and freedom. And lastly, never stop being healthy.