270 - Emotions Below The Surface (2021 Summit Session)

Welcome to the Pure Desire Podcast, helping you take back your life from unwanted sexual behavior and betrayal trauma. Hey, hey, hey. I am your host, Trevor Windsor, and you're listening to episode 270 of the Pure Desire podcast. You're joining me, as always, is my co host, Nick Stumbo.

Mayday, mayday. Is that iceberg ahead?

Are we Titanic?

Sure. Any number of, you know, ship related movies. Sinking ships, sure.

Yeah. I'll be honest, I never get emotional watching like any like, ship type of movie because I just, I haven't been on many. I'm not like, when they're sinking, I'm not like, oh, that'd be terrifying. I'm like, oh, that looks interesting.

I do have a fear of drowning related to childhood trauma that. No, I'm sorry, but this is more.

You know, like, I shouldn't have laughed.

Swimming pool. Yeah, I laugh at my trauma. Very funny. Thanks, man.

This week on Nick's top 10.

But that, you know, being submerged, unable to breathe, the panic, that's where I can relate to when they show people that are, you know, trying to get out of there. Inevitably someone's trapped in a room and the door won't move, they're pounding. And yeah, those kind of scenes can get me because I'm like, oh my gosh, that, that is absolutely my greatest fear. But yeah, I really, I'm thankful that we have never been on sinking ships. Maybe metaphorically, but physically I'm glad we've never been on a sinking ship.

That'.

Yeah, that's good. And I really, I'll be honest, I laughed because last episode we talked about something else that you were afraid of. And so I thought you were just kind of.

I have more fears than most people probably would think.

That is probably why I laughed. So thank you for putting words to me being a jerk. Okay, so today's episode is different. It is not an episode where you and I sit down and talk about whatever it may be. We actually are pulling a session, a breakout session from last year's summit by Robert Vandermeer called Emotions Below. Below the Surface.

Yeah.

Bob Vandermeer, good friend of ours, clinician here at Pure Desire, someone we highly respect and value. And that session, I think being such a great one for him to teach, because that's a lot of what he does in his day to day work with clients is helping them understand what am I feeling, what's driving it and what created it, where did it come from? And that's, you know, the iceberg analogy of what's below the Surface in our life is usually what's contributing to what's above the surface. And it's those emotions that we probably haven't processed very well, that there's all kinds of triggers in our life. Something as subtle as an email that we might feel dismissed can trigger all this unexpressed anger. And then we end up taking it out on our kids after we get home from work. And we've never even processed, where do the emotions come from? What were they? What am I feeling? So I think Bob is. He's a sage. He's a guy with a lot of wisdom. And I know this breakout session was valuable to the many that heard it. And for those of us that missed last year's summit, it's a great highlight to get to catch Bob's session this way.

Yeah. And Bob is speaking a main session this year. So if you like what you hear in this, you still have time to register before we get to Bob's session. It definitely is a good one. I just listened to it again. It is amazing. But a few things. Subscribe to the podcast. We're on all the major platforms, and if you can write us a review, we see those. It means a lot. And it also helps people find the podcast. You can follow us on social media. Earedesirepdmi. You can also. This week's gonna be a little different. Justin, what do you think? Should we put the actual video session up on YouTube? Does that make sense to you?

Yeah.

Okay. Justin says yes, so we will have a full episode for you on YouTube. And lastly, we just want to let you know, with the summit coming up, we are now offering something for people that they can do a watch party. That they can host a watch party and invite people to come. What's the benefit, Nick, in your mind, of hosting a watch party for the summit?

Yeah. Well, we know the reality is that for many people, the timing of the year in the school calendar or just finances and what's happening in our culture. Shifting, season inflation. Yeah. That traveling out here is a big commitment. It may not be possible, but there are people thinking of. I'd like to watch it. But the idea for many of just sitting on my own on my computer watching these sessions isn't as fun as what if I was doing it with, like, I'm in a seven Pillars of freedom group at my church, and I think those guys, a lot of them would be interested in it. You can have a watch party where one of you has purchased the access to the videos, and the others just get to come for the price of having a user's. Not a user's manual. But what am I trying to say? The workbook. Conference manual. That's it. Conference, not a user's manual. We're not technically would be a user.

Manual for the conference.

It's the conference user manual. Anyway, the cost to them is much, much less. And then you get the fun of doing it together, being in that environment where in between sessions you can dialogue. What did you like? What stood out? How could we implement this? And I think for all of us, that's a better environment for learning and growth and change. When I'm absorbing something on my own, I tend to be distracted. Midway through I'm checking my email. But if I'm sitting there with a group, I'm more engaged because it feels relational. And so I think that's the value of a watch party, that if you've got other people that are on this journey with you in your local area, invite them to watch with you.

Yep. And so we have actually levels where you can go all the way up to a hundred people in a watch party. And so you can have a big old party with lots of snacks. Invite me, I want to come. But if you want to do this, if you want to register for the summit or register for a summit watch party, just go to PureDesire.org summit. And with that, here is Robert Vandermeer's summit breakout session from last year's summit called Emotions Below the Surface.

So I have two kids, Amadeus and Carmela. They're 8 and 5 or almost 8 and 5. And today was my son Amadeus first soccer game. I got here late because his game was at 9am So I went to that. It was awesome. He had a great time. And afterwards, just being able to give him a hug and tell him, buddy, I love you so much. I'm so proud of you. It's not because he scored all the goals, he didn't score any goals. Not because he made some amazing plays, but it's because he's my son. Right. And when I left, I gave my daughter a hug and a kiss and I just told her how much I love her. Not because she did anything other than sit on a blanket and play with her friend. She didn't do this amazing, incredible life change, but just because she's my daughter and I love her. God sees you that way this morning. My son, or our son, started second grade last week. And on his first day of school, before he went to school, I said, hey, buddy, what are you looking forward to today. And he said, the playground, Papa. And I thought, okay, yeah, obviously the playground, you know, but I've been trying to, I've been trying to be a better father. Anybody know what that's about? I've been trying to be a better father, trying to be a better parent. So I've been asking follow up questions. And so I said, well, hey buddy, why are you looking forward to the playground? And he said, well, Papa, every year my classroom changes, my teacher changes, even the kids in my class change. There's a lot of things that change, but the playground is always the same. And yeah, I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so glad I asked you that follow up question because I'm going to use that in counseling for the rest of my life. There's so much chaos and change and unpredictable things that are happening. But what we want is, we want to know that we can come to a place that's safe, a place where there's community, a place where there's relationship, where we're all just there for the same reason. And that's just to be present, right, and to enjoy each other. I hope that this room can be the playground for you today. I hope that this is a safe place. Hopefully the speakers yesterday and today have helped to give you that feeling. And even what Jenna shared yesterday with all parts are welcome, right? That whatever it is, whoever you are, whatever you're coming in with, that this would be a safe place for you and that you would be able to really allow yourself to be present and please stay off the jungle gym. I don't think the liability insurance covers that. So today we're talking about emotions below the surface. You are all here because you have decided to participate in this process called sanctification. Justification is perfection, right? That happens over here. Justification is in Jesus. There's this moment of justification of salvation that is over here. And then we participate in this thing for the rest of our lives called sanctification. Sanctification is not about perfection. Sanctification isn't even really about freedom until we die. Freedom, perfection, victory is over here in justification. The rest of this is sanctification. This is about participation and this is about progress. I know that when I'm 80, I'm going to look back on my life and I'm going to be able to identify the worst decade of my life, right? Like the worst decade. And when we think about that, man, that's a long amount. That's a long amount of time. But I could have a worst decade of my Life. And I could still be in this trajectory sanctification. I could have a bad. A horrible decade where everything just gets tanked, but I can still be on a trajectory of progress in my life. It's difficult sometimes when we have bad days, right, when we just really miss it all and we have bad days. When we have bad. Anybody had a bad day recently? Yeah, when we have bad weeks, right, it's difficult. We have a back. We went on vacation maybe a month ago and we were driving from here to Lake Tahoe. That's like a 12 hour drive. An hour into the 12 hour drive, the car broke down. So we're just right outside Woodburn on the side of the i5, pulled off into the grass. The car's broken down. It broke down because I had just had some service done the week before and the service wasn't done properly. Who do you ask did that service? This guy? Yeah, I did some service a few days before and I didn't do it properly. So we had this, like this vacation planned out and we're an hour into it and the car's broken down. We have bad days, stuff happens. Sometimes it's our fault. Sometimes we have bad weeks, we have bad months, we have bad years. That doesn't mean that you aren't participating in progress. And that doesn't mean that we need to give up just because things get difficult. We want to give up, right? Like, we want to. Honestly, like, we're standing on the side of the road and I'm just thinking, all right, we're just going to. We're going to get the car towed home and we're not going to Lake Tahoe. We got the car towed home and I actually fixed the problem. Yay, Bob. And then we got back on the road the next day. But then when we got there, guess what? The window, driver side. I'm sorry, the passenger side rear window just dropped down. Inside the door, motor broke. And then we all got a cold. And then there was fires and it was literally raining ash from the sky. It was like one thing after the other. So when people say, hey, how was your vacation? My answer is, the kids had a great time, but for me, it was just one thing after the other. And I was so done with it. But I needed to be present for my kids. I need to be present for my wife. I need to be present there to participate. We want to give up sometimes just because of external things. But what about even the internal things? Those are the things that really lay us out. But all of you Are here because you have decided. I want to work towards healthier, not healthy. Healthy and sanctification happens when we die. I want to work towards healthier. Practice doesn't make perfect. Practice makes better. I want to be healthier and that's why you're here. And I thank you for being here, for being willing to continue in this process. Because it isn't easy. We get stuck on thoughts, we get stuck on feelings, we get stuck on memories and we come up against them like a wall and we don't want to push through it. And because of that, we end up not really being able to be present and get to where we want to go. How many of you ride motorcycles? Anyone? I do. That was the whole point of that story. No, that's not true. They teach you when you're riding motorcycles that when you get into a turn, which is one of the more dangero places to be on a motorcycle, that when you get into a turn, don't focus your attention on the tree that's coming up. Don't focus your attention on the wall or the oncoming traffic or even the pothole in the middle of the road. Because if you focus on that thing, that's most likely where you're headed. They teach you to focus on where you're going to look up and out of the turn, to look past the obstacles, to look past the things that understandably are bringing fear into your view. But they tell you to look past that to where you want to go. And I want this session to be a little bit of that. We need to acknowledge the tree and the wall and the oncoming traffic. But I want us to be able to look past that to where we want to go. Because there's some really good stuff that's there. It's not about being fearless, but it's about facing our fears. So how do we become successful at this? Let me ask you this question. What makes a tree successful? This is, I think maybe in your handout. What makes a tree successful? Is it there's a 2 to 3,000 year old olive tree in Crete, on the island of Crete. Is that successful? Is a sequoia a towering sequoia that's lived like General Sherman? If you've ever seen General Sherman in the redwoods, right? This towering sequoia is the fact that it grew that tall? Is that what makes it successful? Is it that the tree that bears the fruit that it's supposed to be bearing and that fruit is good, Is that what makes it successful? What about my houseplant?

Here.

I bought this houseplant for my wife, Rebecca, for our anniversary just over a year ago. And when I bought this beautiful full plant, it was like this wide and like this tall. And it was amazing. It was incredible. It didn't seem to like the place I put it in the house, so I moved it to another room. I read somewhere that with this. This is a calathea. With this type of plant, it needs a lot of moisture. So I moved it into the shower. And then from what I was reading, the way the leaves were acting, it sounded like it was getting too much water. So I moved it out of the shower, I moved it into the basement. It was a little bit more humid down there. Wasn't enough light. I moved it, and the leaves are just dying. They're just falling off. I mean, it's. And they're just. It's just. It was sad. It was tragic. It was this representation of my love for you, Rebecca, and is just dying. And I finally, finally found a place that is perfect. This thing was flourishing. It was looking amazing. And then we bought pet rabbits, and they ate my plant. I came into the living room and it was just like stubs. And I just like rabbits on the menu for dinner tonight. And yet these leaves have still come back. So is this plant successful? Is the sequoia, Is the olive tree successful? And I think the answer is yes to all of those. Because a Tree only does 100% of the time what God created a tree to do. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. Doesn't matter if it's just a little sapling and it gets eaten or run over or whatever, or if it grows to be 2000 years old, it only does what it was created to do. That's it. And nothing else. And there's two things that go with that. Then this doing what it was created to do, nothing else. And part of that is it is a positive part of the environment around it. All right? Those two things, even a great white shark that, like, just decimates a seal, blood everywhere, that's still being a positive part of the environment around it. Because in the ecosystem, in its environment, it's doing just 100% of what it was created to do and nothing else. And I think that makes it successful. A tree. Being a tree is a deeply spiritual thing. And I think that we can say the same thing about us, that being yourself is deeply spiritual. So we're using this idea of sanctification. So, okay, so being myself. But that's if. Right, Bob? If I'm being myself. It's only spiritual if I'm being holy. Jenna laid some of these terms out for us yesterday. Even this idea of holiness and sin and. And how there's so much baggage that comes with that for us, it's only successful, Bob, if I'm being holy. Well, what is holy? I mean, holy. We think about holy versus sin. The less sin that's in my life, the more holy I am. That's what makes me successful. The problem with sin is that it brings separation. The problem with sin is that it brings brokenness between us and with God. Right. And so part of that, then, is to say that you're not being a positive part of the environment around you. And so I want to replace this word holy with the word healthier right now. And so what makes it. What makes you successful? How come you being yourself is a deeply spiritual thing? Because if you are in this pursuit of health, this trajectory, this progress, this sanctification, some days it's up and some days it's down, right? You're pursuing yourself, and what you're pursuing is your identity. We talked about those seven, the eight C words that went with self yesterday, right? Courageous, compassion, clarity, curiosity, all these things. We're talking about identity. What makes you you. I think being you, the things unique to you are deeply, deeply spiritual. It's the idea of identity. So how do you be yourself? You pursue your passions, your skills, and your talents. How is this deeply spiritual? This last year, I've been restoring axe heads. Old rusty axe heads. I get them, I buy them online, I get them from neighbors, wherever they're rusted. They're almost useless at this point. They're definitely like walking lockjaw waiting to happen. But I de rust them. I cut the old handle off, I hand sharpen them with a file, and then I hang them on a new handle. That me doing that, honestly, I feel like has been a deeply spiritual experience for me. We're going to get to how that I think, could be the case for any of us. Maybe not axes, but other things. You pursue your passion, skills, and talents. Another thing is you be a positive part of your environment. Because I've talked about this before, and someone said, well, what if I'm a serial killer? What if I'm really passionate about killing people? Bob? Yeah. Okay, cool question. Is that being a positive part of the environment around you? No. Okay, thank you. Next question. Right? So it's these two things. Like, you're pursuing things that you love, you're good at, you're passionate about Because God's placed that in you. You say, well, why would. I mean, why would God honestly be excited about something like that? Great question. I'm glad you asked it because I brought a picture. Last year, my son Amadeus was getting ready for bed and he said, hey, Papa, can I stay up late and draw? Yeah, buddy, of course. That's fine. It was the summertime and so he stayed up pretty late. And in the morning he brought this picture out to my wife and I and he brought it out to us. And he was so excited about it. He was telling us about what he did here and what he did there. And he showed us the clouds and he did the clouds using negative space, which for a six year old was really impressive. I didn't teach him negative space. He just came up with that. He's so excited about telling us all about this duck. It's clearly a duck. If you say it's anything else, then you're wrong. I want to be clear. It's a duck. He was excited about the duck and my response to him, you know, he was so excited. My response to him was, oh, my gosh, that's pathetic. You could totally do better than that. I could do way better than that with my eyes closed. No, that's not how I responded. Of course I didn't. I responded, oh, my gosh, Buddy, that's incredible. Like, please tell me more about it. I love your creativity. I love the thought you put into this, the time you spent. That's a lot of blue, right? It was all over his hands. Like, that's a lot of blue, buddy. Tell me about it more. I was excited about it. Why was I excited about it? Because my son was excited about it. When we talk about our passions, skills and talents, there's a lot of times that we'll diminish and minimize them because maybe we drew a duck or maybe we refurbished an axe head. I've also been carving spoons and spatulas on my front porch lately. Right. We minimize it because how could. Yeah, sure, I'm excited about that. But how could that be exciting to God? And I think it's exciting to God because it's exciting to you. And why is it exciting to you? Because God has woven that into the DNA of who you are. We don't need pastors and missionaries and apostles. That that's all that everybody does. That's ridiculous. What about hospitality? How many of you like to have friends over at your house? That's a deeply spiritual thing and it's in the Bible, right? But we minimize that. Spoon carving isn't listed in one of our spiritual gifts. Right. But it's deeply spiritual because it's what you're excited about, what you're good at, and God put that into who you are. Like, let's stop minimizing those things. Matthew 25, verses 14 through 25 talks about. Talks about the. It's this parable of the talents where there's this rich guy, he gives his people some talents. He's going out of town, and it says that he. And to one he gave five, to another two, and to another one to each according to his own ability. That's a really important part of this passage. To each, he gave this according to their own ability. He wasn't expecting the person that had one to do something with five. He was just expecting the person with one to do something with one, because that's what he was capable of doing. But guess what happened in this. So sorry, there's a point in your bulletin there. Whatever it is. Expectation that we participate based on our own ability. The expectation for these three people in this parable is that they participated. It was based off of their own ability. So you think, well, yeah, that's cool. I like to have people over. But it seems like maybe being like a Bible study leader or preaching or being a missionary is more important than that. Whatever your skills, gifts and talents are was given to you based on your own ability. There's no hierarchy in this. There's no selling ourselves short because we're not doing what someone else is doing. I don't preach like Keith. I didn't get a Harvard degree. I went to Life Bible College. Anybody ever heard of it? Oh, yeah, we got a couple in the room. Excellent. Thank you. Now it's called Life Pacific University. But I didn't. I don't preach like Keith, and I don't have the brain that Jenna has, but I was given something that was according to my own ability, and that has to be enough for me. And yesterday, I've been doing this for over 20 years. And yesterday, getting up after Jenna, it's like, oh, my gosh. I was second guessing everything I had in here. And even after the end of the session, I was talking to my wife and I was like, babe, I don't know, it just. It felt off. And this morning when I was taking a shower, I realized what it was that I was second guessing myself and second guessing my own ability and my material, because I was comparing what was expected of me compared to what was expected of someone else. And here I was even sharing yesterday the same thing about our own passion, skills, gifts, talents, right? And I was second guessing my own as I was participating. God just expects us to participate based on our own ability. And the problem with this though is at the end of this parable, it says that the person that had one, what did he do with it? He buried it, right? And it says that he was afraid. The word there, that's translated, afraid is the word phobia. He had this deep, deep fear. This deep fear that he wasn't going to do it. Right? Right. That the rich guy was just. He was mean, he was cruel, he was harsh. He had all these things and got caught up. And he didn't do something with the thing that he was capable of doing something with. And it was only because of his own fear. I want to say that fear can hold you back. It doesn't have to hold you back. Fear won't indefinitely hold you back, but fear can hold you back. I want to look at Jesus. That always seems like a good idea, right? I want to look at Jesus. What did Jesus do to be himself? What did he need to do to be successful? We're talking about this thing that Jesus has a particular skills, passions, talents, right? And for him to be in this whole thing that because he's like, he's human, but he's God, so he has to live this life. Otherwise it wouldn't have worked. Like the whole thing wouldn't have made sense. He had to live the same life, face the same things that we had to face. So he had to also walk out what it meant for him to be himself. I think we get an idea of what it meant for him to be himself. In Luke 9, it says, and he strictly warned and commanded them to tell this to no one. Saying, the Son of man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders and the chief priests and the scribes, and be killed and be raised on the third day. This is what he had to do to be himself, right? Like this was the end goal. He had to do this. Like, this doesn't sound fun. How many of you ever, when you're driving, doing stuff, you know, getting ready in the morning, you think about something that you really ought to do that day, something that you know, if you do it, it's something that's healthy, that you should, that you should. I know I don't like to use that word, should. Rich. If you know rich, he says, don't should on yourself. But right, you're thinking, you're like, man, this would be a healthy thing for me to do today. But then you also think about all of the steps that it's going to take, or the thing you're going to have to face, or the look on your spouse's face when you say that thing, right? And we don't do it. We hold back. The day goes by, now we're laying in bed thinking about, oh man, I should have done that thing today and I didn't. And then we wake up in the morning thinking about the thing that we need to do and it just keeps rolling out like that.

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This is what Jesus needed to do to be himself. And so what I want to look at is what Jesus had to do. And the first thing he had to do is he had to face his fears. And while Jesus had fears, I think when we look at these passages that we will conclude that he did have fears. The passages I want to look at are in Matthew. The first One is Matthew 4, 1:11. This is right after he's baptized. And remember, right after he's baptized, he goes into the wilderness to. What says to be tempted? Well, in order to be tempted, there has to be like something that you want, something that you don't want. Like that's. That idea has to be there in order for these temptations to actually matter. Like we were giving Nick a hard time yesterday about cookies, right? Like cookies have to matter to him for them to be tempting. Personally, I'm a Tillamook rocky road ice cream guy. If there is tillamook rocky road in the freezer. I will eat it. Because if you don't, it gets freezer burned. And that's a poor investment. Folks like, I'm trying to be good with my money here. So if you invest in ice cream, the moral of the story is eat it immediately. Jesus is tempted in the wilderness, and the temptation starts out like this. You've been fasting for 40 days, right? You're hungry. Here's a stone. Turn that stone into bread. You don't have to be hungry. Jesus knows what, what he has to do to be successful, right? The things we just looked at, the pain, the suffering, the fear that's included in it. So Satan takes him up and he says, hey, you know what? Throw yourself down because angels will catch you. They'll lift you up, it'll be cool, you'll be flying, you won't get hurt. Jesus knows what's ahead. Satan's tempting him with the possibility of the absence of pain, that he will be cared for by angels. And then he says, look at all of this. As far as you can see, I'll give this to you. This can be your kingdom, right? As opposed to the idea that we read in, in the scripture that he didn't come to be served, but to serve and give his life as a ransom for many, right? So Satan's taking him up. This is tempting. Why is this tempting? Why is the bread. You're hungry, Eat some bread. Why is. Hey, you know what? Throw yourself down. You're not going to get hurt. Why is. Look out here and people will serve you. Why is all that tempting? Because I think when we look at the purpose that Jesus had in his life, it looks painful and it's hard. And the enemy is saying, it doesn't have to be that hard. It doesn't have to be this difficult. You're hungry, Eat some bread. It doesn't have to be this difficult. You don't need to die. Throw yourself down. Angels will catch you. It doesn't have to be this difficult that you go up on a cross with shame. Taking our shame upon you. Doesn't have to be that difficult. All these people can serve you. Let's keep going. In Matthew, in 1621, 23, Jesus is talking to disciples. And Jesus is laying out what's going to have to happen to him. And Peter says, no, not you, Lord. And remember what Jesus said to him. Get behind me, Satan. How is Peter, Satan? He's trying to help out Jesus. He's saying, no, no, no, you don't need to Suffer and die in the Greek, it's more the idea of get behind me, one who is like Satan. And what that means in this. In this narrative is that for Jesus, he knows. He's saying, this is what I have to do. I have to face this fear and this pain. And Peter's saying, no, it doesn't have to be that hard. And Jesus is saying, yeah, it does. So right before he gets arrested and taken and crucified, he's in the garden praying. He goes there with some of the disciples. He's like, hey, guys, please, please hang out with me a little bit. I'm gonna come over here and pray. He goes and he prays. And you remember what he prays? He says, lord, if this cup can pass from me, in other words, if we can do this a different way, that I don't have to suffer and die. Let's do that one. He goes back and his buddies are asleep. And he's like, guys, just imagine. He just prayed. He knows his purpose. He's already confronted Satan. He's confronted Peter in that thing. He's here now. He knows what's about to happen. And he's saying, if we can do a different way, this is kind of last minute, but if we can go, like, plan B, let's do that one instead. He goes back and his friends are asleep. He's like, guys, I am scared and alone right now. Please stay up. He goes back and he prays a second time. What does he pray the second time? The same thing. Lord, if this cup can pass from me, let's do that. But not my will. Yours. If we don't have another option, I'll do what you need me to do. He goes back, his buddies are asleep again. Guys, come on. And he goes back a third time. If you don't believe that Jesus was scared, explain to me why he's asking God if there's a different route that he can take. And why does he say it three different times right to the point that he's sweating blood? If he's not afraid, then what are all those different stories about if he's not afraid of the pain that he's going to have to suffer to be listen to this, to be himself? And what is that all about? How many of you have prayed and said, all right, God, I know there's this thing that I need to do today, like, to be healthy, but if there's another way, can we do that one right? And then you know that there's not another way, so you come back and you're like, okay, still, if there's another way, let's do that one. I mean, I'll do what it is that you want me to do if I really, really need to do that. But if there's another option, let's still go with that one. I mean, how many of you have prayed like that before? I have. I know what I need to do to be healthy. I know what I need to do to be myself, to be healthier. But I'm afraid to do it. And Jesus confronts it. He confronts it, and he didn't believe the lie that it doesn't have to be this hard. He didn't believe that lie. It's compelling to believe that lie. Addiction is not about feeling better. Addiction is about not feeling bad. When I discovered pornography and masturbation when I was in sixth grade, it was not about feeling better. It was about not feeling the desolate loneliness that I felt in my family. It was about not feeling the pain of feeling like no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough. About feeling like a failure. This thing, it didn't help me feel good. It helped me not feel bad. Sometimes we think that addiction is about being comfortable. It's about seeking pleasure, about seeking comfort. You know what's interesting? One of the definitions of comfort is the absence of pain and constraint. In other words, a definition of comfort is the absence of discomfort. Like, we buy chairs because they're comfortable. We buy couches and beds because they're comfortable. My neighbor, he didn't go to the soccer game this morning. His son's on the same team because they're out of town. And he slept on an uncomfortable mattress and it messed up his back. Right? We buy things because they're comfortable. But when you're sitting in a comfortable chair or on a comfortable couch, how do you know it's comfortable? Because it's not uncomfortable. Right? Like, think about how much comfort we pursue in life. Buy this car, buy this house, buy these shoes, buy these things, because it will make your life better. That's how it's promoted. It will make your life better. You'll run faster. You'll look better. My wife sent me a text when I got here, and she's like, oh, I forgot to tell you, you look hot today. That's right. Want you to know, my wife thinks I'm hot. But we do. We buy, we're sold stuff. Because if we look, act, have, what we're told is that we will be more comfortable. But really what we're being sold is Buy these things, because if you do, you'll be less uncomfortable. You'll feel better about yourself because you look this way, because people interact with you this way. It's about avoiding discomfort. And I think that this fits with the Bible story in Genesis 3. What's interjected into the story after they eat the fruit is what pain and suffering, like that, that's the result. Pain and suffering is the result of the fall. It's interjected into the story. And then all the way over here at Revelation 21, we read that in heaven, there's no more tears, there's no more pain, there's no more sorrow. Why is that significant? Because between over here, Revelation and Genesis in the story, it's woven and riddled with pain and fear. It's inescapable. And the world we're being sold is trying to tell you that you can avoid that with comfort. The lie that the enemy was telling Jesus is, it doesn't have to be this uncomfortable. You can be yourself and it doesn't have to be this painful. But we're in this narrative between Genesis and Revelation and for us to be ourselves, and it does have to be this uncomfortable. Because if we pursue the avoidance of that, then really also what we're doing is we're avoiding being who we were created to be. In Philippians chapter one, Paul, he. He had been imprisoned in Rome, right? He's imprisoned because he's a Christian and he's preaching Christ because that. He's arrested, he's imprisoned and he's chained. And he's writing to the church in Philippi, and he says that these chains have not been a hindrance, but they have helped to advance the Gospel. Right? The pain, the discomfort of being chained has not been a hindrance, but it's actually advanced the gospel. The word that's translated advanced. There is a Greek word prokopy, which means advanced. Right? Great, Bob, that's really cool. No, but in first century literature is also used to describe the woodsmen, the lumberjacks that would travel before royalty or before the army to clear a path so that they could advance to where they're trying to go. But Paul is saying in that passage is that his pain and his suffering, which we might look at Paul being in prison as a bad thing. Paul's saying it's not, you know, what it's done, it's actually cleared away to opportunity and to relationship so that I can do what I need to do. I think the reality is, is that we need to stop looking at pain and Fear as what we're avoiding. And we've been hearing this yesterday and today, right? We just heard it from Keith, but look at it as actually these divine woodcutters clearing away for us to access who we were created to be and to live in our identity. But we have to face our fear to do that. If you can lean into your pain and fear instead of run from it, right? If we can lean into it, we can run towards it. If we can say, yes, I'm shackled to this, whatever. We've all been shackled to each other in the last year and a half through a pandemic, it's made a lot of people uncomfortable. We've all been handcuffed to each other in the last year through racial turmoil, it's been uncomfortable. We've all been shackled to each other in the last year through political differences, it's been uncomfortable, right? And we've been running from it, we've been hiding from it, we've been trying to avoid it. We've been gathering with people that only think like we do to try to avoid the discomfort. Paul's literally shackled to people that disagree with him. And he's saying, this is opportunity. This is opportunity for me to be who I was created to be. I want to ask you this question. What are your passions, skills and talents? What are you passionate about doing? What are you skilled at doing, are you talented at doing? When I was 12, my dad gave me a Kershaw knife. And I remember wanting to learn how to whittle, right? And I remember sitting down with this stick and just like going at it. And what I ended up with was this amazing stick. It just looked like a stick at the end of was difficult. The knife wasn't sharp enough. I didn't know that. Which I'm glad my dad didn't give me like a razor sharp knife when I was 12. Thank you, dad. But I know if it's. It's actually more unsafe if it's dull. I get it. I like sharp knives too, but I gave up because it was difficult. Nobody showed me how to do it and I was just there and I tried again in my 20s, I tried again in my 30s. And I've always had this desire to carve something out of wood. But every time I picked something up and tried to do it, I felt like a failure. It just looked like. It just looked like a stick, just like a different shaped stick. And until just this last year, my wife got me this wood carving, these wood carving knives from Sweden and I sat down one night, everybody was asleep, and I sat down and thought, you know what? I'm just going to try to make a spoon. You know, I'm not gonna try and make a nativity set. I'm just gonna try and make a spoon. Let's just start with that. And at the end of it, I had a spoon. And guys, I sat there on the couch and I held this thing in my hands and, like, I turned it over and I was like, I made this. And it was. And I'm choking up right now because it was a passion, a desire that I'd had since I was 12. And all it was was a stupid spoon, right? But God put that in me. I can't explain why. I also wanted to carve with a piece of wood and a knife. And since then, I've been sitting on my front porch carving spoons and spatulas and giving them to neighbors. And just yesterday I told this story, and afterwards, some of the guys were like, well, hey, can I buy some of your spoons? Like, yes, you can. Right? So when you write down these things, this question, what are you passionate about? What are your skills? What are your talents? Please don't write down things that you think other people are just going to be impressed at. Write down the things that are true for you, because God's woven that into who you are. You think, wow, Bob, this was going someplace really good. And now you're talking about carving spoons. That's the problem. We minimize this stuff because it's not preaching, because it's not being an apostle or a missionary to be. I mean, I. I love being here sharing with you. I love this. I would, to be quite honest, so much rather be sitting on my front porch carving a spoon and talking to my neighbors. Has nothing to do with you. It has to do with where I find even more joy. Being on my front porch provides visibility. I'm there with my neighborhood. I'm interacting, I'm creating. People are coming and talking, and there's relationship being built. And it's this exchange, and it's one on one, and it's so close and intimate. And a spoon just happens to be, like, something to do while I'm on the porch doing the rest of that.

Right?

Don't minimize it. Would anyone want to share something that they wrote down? Passion, skill, talent. Yeah, please. She said. So yesterday they asked us to repeat what you guys said for the viewers at home. So she said she loved to play with love on children and infants. Awesome. Yeah, that's One of those things that I think in the church, we even think about. Oh, that's so cute. You can go over here and you can do that in this room over here. And here's the flannel graph, and here's the things you can do with that. And it's minimized. It is minimized. Thank you for sharing that. I think it's incredible. That's just as important as anything else, because that's who God's made you to be. Someone else, please. Yeah, please. Paint. Phenomenal. Do you have. Do you paint now? Yeah. That's awesome. A passion for her grandkids. That's incredible. That's great. What are their names? Awesome. Do they live here in Portland? Because those sound like Portland names. Idaho names. Okay. Sorry. To anybody from Idaho that's in the room. Rodney Tracy. Sorry about that. Anyone else? Yes, please. Teaching, Helping others, solving problems. Talents he said are electric. Design it. Electrical. Yeah. My uncle passed. 1. I have two uncles passed away this year, actually, and had complications with COVID And so actually yesterday, when Jenna shared that, I really appreciated her heart and willingness to ask that of us. But at my uncle's memorial service, there were so many people that shared about my uncle taking. He taught electronics at college just out of Chehalis. And so many people talked about the impact that my uncle had on their lives teaching electronics. Right. And, like, he would do little gags and tricks with electronics, and that impacted their lives because it was him taking the time to show them that they mattered. And if I were to ask, like, is God excited about electronics? Is God excited about painting? God excited about teaching, or little kids? I mean, he's definitely excited about little kids. That's obvious. Children, we know that. If you don't know that God loves children, then read your Bible a little bit more. But if we said, is God excited about electronics? Historically, I think our answer would be no. But when we say that, what we're saying is the things that you're skilled and passionate and talented about are meaningless to God. Why don't you go evangelize to someone instead? Right. Where we talk about how we can use electronics to prosthetize. What about just use electronics to be ourselves and love the world around us? What about that? Anybody else have another passion, skill, talent they would like to share? Yes. Landscape photography. I thought you're gonna say landscape architecture, and you threw a curve in there with landscape photography. Love it. And do you do that? Yeah. And does it. How much of the importance. And we're gonna get into this next Question here. How much of the importance when you do landscape photography is there if other people like the pictures you take? Uh huh, yeah. Huh, yeah, yeah. So the next question that you have is, if you had no fear, what would you do differently with your life? If you had no fear, what would you do differently with your life? The other way we could face this is, if you faced your fears, what would you do differently with your life? And for those of you viewing online, if you want to participate in this part and send some stuff in, as well as any questions you might have at the end, you can send it to summitureduredesire.org summituredesire.org you can email them there. So, yeah, if you faced your fear, if you had no fear, what would you do differently with the rest of your life? And some of you might be in your sweet spot right now, right. And you think, you know what? I would keep doing exactly what I'm doing. Great. Great. Doesn't mean you don't have to still face fear daily with that. My dad is 73, and he this last year found out that his diaphragm is paralyzed. And when a diaphragm paralyzes, it actually comes up into your lung space, so it occupies some of his lung space. So he has a lot of shortness of breath. He can't fully inhale. My dad's the most active human being I've ever met. His goal in his 50s was to go to the. To climb to the highest point of all 50 states, something you can drive up to. But he acknowledges that. But there's other ones that are like Gannett Peak, which is not an easy climb. A couple years ago with his buddy, he rode his bicycle from Canada to Mexico. He's that kind of guy. He's also a Vietnam vet with two bronze stars from Vietnam. He was also on Mount Hood back in the early 2000s when a bunch of climbers were swept down into a crevasse and the Coast Guard helicopter came to rescue them and the Coast Guard helicopter crashed. Remember that day, my dad was there helping rescue people out of the ravine. That's the kind of guy my dad is. But right now, with this paralyzed diaphragm, he can't do the stuff that he loves to do. Which means, and I honestly think this, like, I think his greatest joy right now is being able to spend time with his grandkids. And he can't run with them the way that he used to be able to just a year ago. Right. He can't swim the way in the pool with them the way he could. We were in Lake Tahoe and he said, I'm honestly a little afraid of going out in the lake with the kids because if I need to help them at all, like I don't think I'd be able to help them because I don't think I would be able to sustain myself. So even talking about like your grandkids, right, like you're in a sweet spot. But if you have grandkids, that means, sorry, means you're also getting older. So there's still fears that come up with that, right? You may be in a sweet spot, but that doesn't mean you don't have to face fears to continue to function in that, in your identity. The last question then is, what fears are holding you back? What fears are holding you back? So even with like the landscape photography, right, I know for me, part of my fear of carving wood or another thing I've been doing this last year is drawing. I do, they're called blind portraits where I don't look at, I do a portrait of someone, I don't look at the paper at all and I do it in one continuous line. And I've also wanted to paint and draw and participate in art, but I've always been afraid of what if I show this to someone and their reaction is, oh, that's dumb. Like, oh, that's a duck, right? I've always been afraid of that. And because that I haven't pursued these things. And this year, this last year, I was like, you know what? I'm going to start doing that. And I have. If my briefcase were closer and not in the back row, I'd show you. I actually brought my little sketch pad with me with all these portraits that I've done. I did one yesterday. So the question what fears are holding you back? If I pursue this, I'm going to fail. If I pursue this, nobody's going to like it. People are going to laugh at me. I talk to people all the time that we'll ask them the question in some of the work we do in counseling, we'll ask, what did you want to do or be as a child? And so many times they will share stories about them being excited about something. And a well meaning parent said something like, well, you can't make a living at that. One of them wanted to be a bass player and his dad said, well, yeah, I guess lugging your bass around will help you with your future and furniture moving, right? And so like we receive messages like this, whether it's Explicit messages that someone tells us or just kind of what's implied that what you want it to do, it's not worth it. It's dumb. It's silly. So what fears are holding you back? Would anybody be willing to share what they put down for the fears that are holding them back or have held them back that they faced? Yeah. You're a failure. Thank you. I know you weren't talking about me. Fear of judgment. Yeah. Fear of rejection. Would you. Would you be willing to share what you wanted to do that you rejected, that you might face rejection? If the answer is no, tell me no. Mm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Huh? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Huh? Yeah. Huh? Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. For those. Thank you so much. Sorry for putting you on the spot. Mike. Her husband is also one of my bosses, so, you know, might hear some of that later. Now, for those of you listening online, what she said basically was. And I'm going to paraphrase because I've also. I also appreciate what you post on social media. Paraphrase that she feels prompted by God to post things on social media about stuff she's passionate about. And I can tell you, my perception is that her desire is that we would all pursue health the best that we can. And the fear is, if I post this stuff, how is it going to be perceived? People I know, people I don't know what's going to come back at me. And so the fear is, do I do what I feel like is healthy and congruent with who I am, or do I allow my fears to keep me from doing that? And thank you for sharing the stuff that you do. Everything that I see you share is you're always working so hard and encouraging people just to be themselves. So thank you. We have a couple minutes left, and I just want to say this last one here of what do you need to do to face your fears? And this isn't, like, a quick plan, but I would ask you to please think about this, because that's what we've been talking about this weekend is there is an identity. Jenna used the word self that God has woven into who you are. And there's burdens that have weighed us down. There's trauma that stopped us in our tracks. There's lies that we believed that has kept us from pursuing what we're passionate about, being who we've been created to be. That's unique to you, right? And the fears can hold us back or we can face them. And so to think about what you need to do to face your fears if you're familiar with pure desire, material or Genesis process, you could think of this as what's your double bind? Right? You're stuck. You want to move forward. What's your double bind? If you do change, you have to face fear. If you don't change, you have to face a guarantee of the reality you're already living, which is usually isolated and alone. But Jesus faced his fears so that he could be himself. He's demonstrated for us that, yeah, you know, it does have to be this hard. It's woven into this experience, right? We're still on this side of revelation. We have to face the pain and fear. Simone Biles, a famous gymnast, she's actually tied for the most gymnast medals in history. She was quoted saying, I was built this way for a reason, so I'm going to use it, right? The parts of you, right, that are there, you were built this way for a reason. The stuff that you enjoy, the stuff that you think about, the stuff you're passionate about, you were built that way for a reason. You have a lot of lies and trauma and limbic triggers and things telling you, no, that's not important. God doesn't care about that. But I'll tell you that God does. He wants you to pursue your identity. It's who he's created you to be. The only person that can be you is you, right? Like, the most precious spiritual thing that you can bring into a room is yourself. And when we walk into a room, we think, well, what is it should I. That I should bring into this room? And it's just yourself. It's just yourself. Let's pray. Lord, thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for your love. We have a lot of fears that get in the way of us pursuing and talking and being who we. Who you've created us to be. And I pray that we would be encouraged to face those fears. Call back again to what Jenna said yesterday about courage. A prerequisite to courage is fear. So that we would be encouraged, that we would have courage, that we would face our fears to be who you've created us to be, and to know that that's a deeply spiritual thing, that doing the things we're passionate about is deeply spiritual, because you've woven that into who we are. And just as a check that we would be reminded that it also needs to be something that is benefiting the world around us, that we are able to show love and to sow love into really challenging situations. We thank you, Lord, in your name. Amen.

All right. We are 10 days away from the 2022 Pure Desire summit. We have in person, online watch party and host site online options. Go to PureDesire.orgSummit to register today. Let's go all in together. And remember, wherever you're at on your journey, Pure Desire is here to help create a roadmap for your healing view or someone you know is impacted by sexual brokenness or betrayal trauma. Go to PureDesire.org and let's start the healing journey today. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast and drop us a review. It helps others find the podcast. Each week we're putting out new content to help you on the road to healing and freedom. And lastly, never stop being health.