286 - Health For The Holidays: Realistic Resolutions

Welcome to the Pure Desire podcast, helping you take back your life from unwanted sexual behavior and betrayal trauma. Happy New Year. I'm your host, Trevor Windsor, and you're listening to episode 286 of the Pure Desire podcast. Here joining me as always is my co host, Nick Stumbo.

Somewhere in outer space, God has prepared a place for those who trust him and obey. Do you know it? You want to sing with me?

I don't actually know it.

Jesus will come again and then we don't know when. The countdown's getting lower every day.

Okay, so I'm laughing for a couple of reasons. The first one is for some reason when we sing old songs, I imagine is like a church song that you grew up, we do that like weird kind of tone. Like there's just like a normal, like there's just a weird tone that we all take.

And.

And then also I'm just curious, is this gonna start a stretch of singing intros again? I'm just, I really wanna prepare myself.

You know, Trevor, I'm just a wild card. You never can tell, you never know. And it's honestly what pops into my head in the 10 minutes before or after the podcast. So that, that does tend to lead into other intros. Although I don't know that we're gonna be at the time of recording, recording another one real soon. So by then who knows what, what kind of beat I'll be on. But yeah, that's definitely the. The Sunday school sing songy voice and man, that's a nostalgic 80s and thinking about sitting in the little Greybull alliance church and the low ceilings there that singing songs before you'd go to your classes. And usually with my mom holding up this big songbook with all the words.

That's cool.

Yeah, the countdown's getting lower every day.

That's true. Okay, so the countdown is getting lower as we get closer here to the new year.

Right.

This year is getting closer and closer. Maybe I just stole the show from you, but we had one of our clinicians, one of our newest clinicians on staff, Matt Bai, who we've known for a number of years, has been through the recovery process and yeah, we just were a fan of him and he came on today, his first time on the podcast, and we talked about health for the holidays. This is week four and we looked at realistic resolutions going into the new year.

Yeah, well, in addition to that song, teaching poor theology, because I'm not sure we should think of heaven as being in outer space. For those who knew the song you also know that you would count down, you sing 10 and nine. And the annoying thing is you would never get to one.

Oh, no.

Like, you would never actually say one in the song. And so at the end, we would add the countdown where you could actually get all the way to zero. Anyway. All that to say, yeah, New Year's Eve, you know, we count down 10, 9, 8, down to 1, and happy new Year. And we talked about it today, how that feels like it's now it's a clean slate, it's a fresh start, everything's new. And because the year is new, I'm going to be new, too. And we're all motivated, which in some ways is great. Like, it's a great reset point. But as so many of us have seen in our own history, it doesn't necessarily lead to any lasting change or real results. And I think in today's episode, Matt really helps us think through what do those realistic resolutions look like that actually could be part of our change journey. That actually could be part of us becoming more like the person we want to be and that God made us to be. And so I think as you count down the new Year, it's great to feel motives to make changes, but we just want to encourage that those are connected to our healing journey and the very real things that God is already doing in our lives.

Yeah, that's good. All right. Well, before we get to our last episode of 2022. Hello.

Hello.

We're going to talk about a few things. First, there are a few days left, Nick, where people can really join us in what we're calling Access Granted. And it's a campaign that we have where we're raising funds specifically to help reach more people all over the world with recovery and healing.

Yeah, it's one of the things I really appreciate about Pure Desire's approach to generosity is because we have services and tools and resources that we charge money for. Those are things that cover the overhead, our staff salaries and buildings, and the things we do. So when we raise money, it's really opportunities to do something above and beyond that we think will really have greater impact, that will help more people find hope and healing and freedom through Christ because of Pure Desire Ministries. And we really think, as people have been hearing, if they've been going through this series with us, that this building on this new framework is going to give us the ability to scale our website, take it into new languages, continue to add more digital content and streaming videos, and really tailor that around the user's experience in a way that sets us up to grow where right now we can't. We're right now we're kind of limited by a very kind of word and image based website. So if people, you know, see the price tag on it or how much we've raised and like, well, you know, why does Pure Desire need that much money? I would just really say the heart of it is we want to see countless people walking in health and freedom. And if we're going to be a part of God's plan for that to happen, there's things we have to be ready for. And this is one of those things like when a ministry goes out and builds a big resource center or a new building which may be part of our future down the road too. But right now we just see priority wise we need to be aligned and ready on the digital side and then the website for all the impact that can happen. So we'd love to have our listeners be a part of it. And year end is often the time we're thinking, oh I should be generous and if God's been good to me, I want to be good to others. And if you've been blessed this year by pure desire and by listening to this podcast, it would mean the world to us if you would go and just make a year end thank you gift. Say thank you Lord for changing my life with this ministry and keep it going, help others. And your gift would say that, I think to us as you participate in the access granted campaign.

Yeah. So if you want to give access to more people, to recovery and healing, you can go to PureDesire.org give alright the normal things. Subscribe to the podcast if you haven't. You know what, why don't you share this episode with somebody this week? How about you do that? Here's a little plot twist there. Why don't you share it with someone and see if they can get a subscription to the podcast Also follow us on social media earedesirepdmi and this full episode will be up on YouTube. You're gonna wanna see Matt's nice cream colored sweater. It's nice. All right. With that, here is our fourth and final week of our health for the holiday series with Matt Bai on realistic resolutions. Matt Bai for the first time of many, we hope. Welcome to the Pure Desire podcast, man. Thanks for being here.

Hey, thank you, Trevor. Thank you, Nick.

Yeah, absolutely. So we'll talk already a little bit about Matt in the intro about him and his role, but he's got a great story and we're excited to Tap in because we're in week four and week four of our series, the Health for the series. No pressure. By the way, Matt, wrapping up this, you know, this is a big series. We're hoping, you know, a lot of people got a lot out of it, so good luck today. But we're now in the post Christmas phase of the holidays. This is that week in between Christmas and New Year's, and we all kind of know what's coming. And so we know that resolutions, New Year's resolutions, the change mindset is in the air. And so we wanted to look at what is it mean to make those realistic and how do we make those resolutions and those changes really last for the long haul. So, Matt, as this is your first time with us, will you just tell our listeners about yourself, your family, and what you do here at Pure Desire?

Yeah, I have made the transition from client to clinician. So I'm a counselor here, but a former. Former client. So it was almost 10 years ago that I started the process of recovery. And I live in Portland, Oregon and have been married nearly 18 years. We have four kids. So a little bit about me.

That's awesome. His marriage is about ready to go to college. That's cool. Nick's in that. You got an 18 year old. You know what that's like.

Yeah, that's another podcast. Can we start doing some podcasts on raising teenage children and teenage daughters in particular? That'd be wonderful.

I have lots of thoughts on it. So let's do it.

Well, as we've talked about, we're in the last week of the year here and a time of year when many people are thinking about goals or resolutions or starting a new year off right. Fresh start, all those things. And so when it comes to making New Year's resolutions, why do you think so many of us make these? When we enter into the new year.

We just look at the new year as a clean slate, an opportunity to just create a new experience, a new. A new life. And so we go into the year with a new calendar and. And everything's blank. So this idea that we. We can, we can make a change going into the new year, but oftentimes we don't recognize. Yeah. That we're carrying in the past with us and our current circumstances continue on.

Totally. I think we have all these aspirations for. I think we all know at some level that there's things about our life we want to change. There's things about how we process how we do life, our relationships that we want to be different and we have all these aspirations, but this time of year it's almost like we're given an excuse to like put those into play or really we're given an opportunity to make those changes. It's almost a cultural expectation, at least in the states that, you know, this fresh slate that you're talking about, Matt, that we have this opportunity, this reason to start making changes. And so it's like, oh, you know what? Yeah, I want my body to be in shape or you know what, I want to stop drinking or I want to have better relationships with my kids. And so I think for us it almost gives us permission to start implementing those changes and start making those attempts. And I think that that's why it happens so often this year.

Yeah, I think about a session I've heard Heather Kolb do at a number of our events where she talks about that those parts of our will, that there's an I will, I want and I won't. And I think it says to me there's a part of all of us that wants to improve, that wants to be better than we are. And I think that's a really good urge. It's a part of us that in many ways I think is God given of self improvement, becoming more like the person we think God made us to be. To put it in more of our faith based terms, really living out who we believe we can be. When honestly a lot of us I think spend time, maybe too much time, kind of living down to the negative side of ourself that's just like, oh, I can't do it and things are never right or I'm just going to take the easy way. I mean, there's also some brain chemistry at work there too of taking the easy way out. And so I think New Year's resolutions is kind of remembering there's a part of us that doesn't want to take the easy way out, doesn't want to just settle for second best, wants to be the best version of ourselves. And I think we should really celebrate that there is a part of us that wants that and figure out how to tap into it more often.

Yeah. Oh yeah. That, that idea that, that we can make a change, it's exciting and it's. And it's motivating as we come into that New year.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So why. And we all know this. I don't know what it is about like gyms, right? Like our like weight rooms. That's like what we use is the stereotypical one that might be the vanity of our country. Who knows? I don't know. We don't need to get maybe another episode too, that we could do. But why do we think so many of these resolutions really are given up on by February 1, we go into the new year, we're like, yes, let's go. Let's crush this goal. And then a month in, it's like, man, I don't think so. Like, let's just give up. Why do you think that that happens as often as it does? Why is it so hard to stick with the goals we make?

I think one primary issue is this desire for an immediate change that I'm going to see results right away. Yeah. And so that. That desire is heightened in recovery circles. It's this quick fix. It's a. Yeah, it's a. In many ways, it's spiritual bypass as well. That. That idea that God's just going to heal me or God's gonna just pave the way and this is gonna happen. And that. That durability that it requires, that. That consistency in carrying it forward. When you hit February and. And you don't necessarily see the change you want immediately, it's. It can be difficult that. That all or nothing, you know, man, I'm not seeing it right. So it's not going to work.

Yeah, I think you hit the nail on the head, Matt, that there's a part of us that does want those changes. And so we, you know, we make the resolution, we join the gym like you were talking about, Trevor. We. We order the workout equipment or the new diet plan or the books or whatever we're planning to do, thinking, okay, this is going to change me. But what I think we fail to do is we also fail to look at why haven't I been doing these things previously? Because usually we're making resolutions about things that are fairly normal or good for us. Working out, eating better, spending less. And if we haven't looked at the other side of why haven't I been doing that already? And we just think, okay, it's January 1st, I'm going to start something. I think that's the downfall for a lot of us is we're not facing the negative emotions or patterns and why we haven't been doing those things before. And so sooner or later, that catches back up with us because the resolution is just a good plan to go in a new direction. But I think sooner or later, that old direction can pull us back. The other thing that came to mind in mentioning the gyms again, I think coming up to January 1st there are a lot of us that feel kind of down on ourselves. Maybe we've overeaten around the holidays or the lack of schedule. We just feel kind of blah, and we're like, man, I need to. I need to be better. And so it's driven by those feelings. And I think for some people, when they start making those strides forward, they go to the gym for a while, they're eating healthier, you start to feel better. And the motive to change is now gone. Because what was really driving it was I felt kind of bad about myself. But maybe even a few weeks in, if those bad feelings are gone, I'm like, well, I think I'm all right. Maybe I don't need the gym. And so it may be really important, as people think about resolutions and plans and goals, to ask that question, like, what's really motivating me? Because if it is just feeling based, once I'm feeling better or maybe feeling busy or feeling something else, I'll probably lose sight of why I'm doing that. Resolution to begin with. Yeah.

For me, it started in June of this year. I started working out again and doing the physical fitness aspect. And what I've realized over the last six months is that it's not just so that I can feel like I look better or I'm more muscular or lean or whatever. What I've found is that it's actually, I want to feel like an athlete again. It's that, like, I feel good, I've got lots of energy, I can run around with my kids, I'm faster than other people, you know, just to name a few things. But, like, that sort of stuff is really the why behind it. I know. For me, you know, another. Another thought with this question is that we tend to put things. Resolutions that are too big and are not, like, scalable or fit. I think of the commitment to change in group that we do and how practical the questions are. Like, how are you going to make this change this week? We don't tend to think that. So, like, a lot of people are like, I'm gonna read my Bible every single day for an hour. And it's like, okay, how often do you read your Bible now?

Zero.

Okay or no. Okay, well, let's do this. For the example, let's say I read one day a week. Okay. How long do you read? I just read the verse of the day on the Bible app. Okay, cool. That's a huge jump from one day a week reading the verse of the day to reading seven days a week for 60 minutes. And so I think we need to make sure that what we're doing fits into our schedule, like finding time or finding those pockets to make these things happen. Because if you haven't done any physical fitness in five years and you are gonna go and you're gonna lift heavy every single day, seven days a week for like three hours, you're gonna burn out in the first three days. Your body's gonna be like, mm, mm. This is not what we do. So that for me is the biggest thing with this is we're not thinking small enough, but trusting that those small things we can find time for will actually make those changes we're looking for.

So I wanna go back to something you said, Trevor. How do you know you're faster than other people? Have you been like setting up races when people come to your house? I'm just imagining when people come to your house, there's like this footpath. You're like, okay, line up, we're gonna go right now.

Listen, you didn't need to ask that question because really at this point it's just my children that I'm faster than. But that's not the point of what.

I'm going to start somewhere. No, I think that actually reminded me of another part of what may cause our goals or resolutions to not stick is a lot of it is rooted in comparison or how we feel about ourselves in comparison to other people. Competition. And I don't think it's bad that those things are maybe a starting point. We feel a desire to, well, I want to, I'm competing with so and so in a weight loss journey, that can help. But if that's our only motive, again, we're going to kind of lose sight of that. Or if we get behind and we feel like we're losing in a totally a competition or others are far ahead of us and it's like, ah, well, I give up. And I think we want to look for changes that really are rooted in something deeper. About what does this add to my relationships? What does this add to my well being, to my sense of security in Christ, my identity and value and worth and where they come from, you know, those deeper things that we can come back to day in and day out to say, this is what it's all about. I mean, I feel like that's such a popular phrase right now too, is like finding your why. Finding your why.

And.

But there's a lot of truth to it. Like if our why is really secure, I think we've got a much better chance for These changes to work. And so I'm getting into the next question. Matt, let's throw it back to you. In your experience, what makes a resolution or something we've identified as a needed change? Successful. When are we successful in our New Year's resolutions or in self change goals?

Well, as Trevor said, that scalability, that ability to see, okay, there's steps to this. It's not, I'm going to hit the gym every single day and I'm not necessarily going to be running every day, whatever. In that case, or with regard to recovery, this idea of adaptability as well. Yeah. Can I adapt my goals if I, if I set a goal around things that are fixed within context at home, I don't have access to content and, and I'm going to every day go to this space in my home and, and do recovery work or something that's really confined to that context. When you travel, what are you, what are you going to do in that instance if there's a variation and accessibility into content that's triggering or troubling? So that's an area as well, that adaptability. Yeah.

I think of stuff that is measurable. You know, I was thinking, you know, I'm in this season of my wife recovering from major surgery and something that I've had to do. And it's funny, my therapist has helped me do this to think more realistically. He actually told me to create a crisis schedule. Like you got your normal schedule and your normal routine, but when things change to like switch it, like switch your schedule and say, what are things that I can do in this kind of known unknown area of what you're going through that you can check all these boxes. So for me, thinking through a goal I know that I have, and this is a goal I have every year, but I just want to grow closer with my kids. I want to have a good relationship with my kids when they're 18 years old or when they're out of the house. And I know that that work starts now, but if I just say I want to have a better relationship with my kids, that's not measurable. What are the filters I'm processing through off of? I think for me, what is measurable is something like I'm gonna schedule one time a week where my son Brady and I can do an activity together for a half an hour, an hour, whatever. Knowing that I have those rhythms or those spaces in my schedule and knowing that that's a box, I can check to say, okay, I know that if I do this over time If I hang out with my son for an hour, just me and him, an extended period of time, of an hour every single week. If we do that until he leaves my house, our relationship will be better. I'm trusting that process. And so I think that we have to make it measurable. It can't just be this big. I'm gonna get jacked. It's like, cool, bro, but what does that mean? You know, I think we have to be measurable.

Yeah. The two words that came to mind for me were space and support. I think you need not like outer space, but like, you need space.

Thank you for clarifying.

Yes. Just in case anyone is worried, you need space for your changes. Because if you're going to add something, and I think that's a pitfall we run into as Americans in particular, that we just live in a more, more, more, bigger, bigger, bigger culture, and we're always adding to our life. But there has to be a corresponding removal where you have to make space for going to the gym each day. We have to make space if we're going to read for an hour or take up some habit or even eating healthy. Like, it takes more time to meal prep and to plan and to think and shop. So if you're currently feeling busy and adding something, you really need to have that honest conversation with yourself first and probably with your family about, what do I plan to remove, what do I plan to do less of? If I'm going to sleep, you know, seven and a half to eight hours a night, and right now I'm only getting six, well, there's a reason I'm not going to bed on time to get more sleep. And so you have to kind of think of the other side to make space. And then a goal, a resolution that is supported, that you've talked with us. I mean, that's, again, one of the questions and the commitment to change each week is what support will you need? Because if I'm going to go to the gym, you know, five days a week, the next question is, well, when? Because if it's in the morning and you have kids now, you've got a spouse that's carrying an extra burden. If it's in the afternoon when they're coming home from school, or when your spouse is wondering if you're helping with dinner, or if it's in the evening when your family thought you were going to be available for something, even if you planned like, well, I'm going to get up and go before anyone's awake, it's like, okay, well, that's great, but you're going to be tired and you're going to go to bed earlier and are others going to support these changes? And I'm not saying they won't, but I just think when we have those conversations up front and we've been able to converse with those that we do life with, here's my plan, here's what I think it looks like. What do you think? Will this work? Does this fit?

Yeah, that's.

And making sure we make that part of the ecosystem, our life and not just assume. Well, I'm going to make this change and everyone around me will just have to adjust. So space and support that space, creating.

That opportunity for it, but also adaptability there. Because you may say every, every day I'm going to be getting up early, but it may conflict with those that support you. So that open conversation, totally really important.

Just to practically maybe paint a picture of that. Recently with my like fitness stuff, I found my wife saying, and it usually is around the weekends, she's like, you know, you don't need to get up that early every day. You know, you don't need to work out every day. I'm like, what are you talking about? It's my schedule. It's a box. I check. Like I'm getting healthier, you know. But it's like I've seen her step into that space and it is a risky space because I could totally react and just be like, don't you like what I'm, you know. Anyways, that doesn't happen. But she enters that space and is willing to push in and say it's okay to take a day off. And that reminder has been helpful for me because I'm like an all or nothing, 100% or 0% type of person. And to have that outside perspective has helped balance it out a little bit. Now when I don't work out when we Sabbath every week, it drives me absolutely bonkers. But I'm working on it. Okay. So Matt, I'm curious your perspective too as you think through this as a clinician. In what ways have you seen resolutions or goals be a helpful part of the recovery journey either in your story or as you've helped other people walk this. And are there any ways that resolutions or goals can actually be harmful to the recovery process?

I would say that performance mindset, I was so performance oriented going into recovery that it actually set me back. You think of someone being high achieving in this area, like man. And I was telling my wife early on, we laugh about it that this process, this recovery process, that initial rewiring is three to five years. And our clients hear that often said on the podcast. And I was like, I'm going to be the one and a half year guy. Check all these boxes. I'm gonna do it.

That's awesome.

And she, she laughed about it to this day. So it sent me back. I became more like the five and a half, six year guy because it was all about performance. So it's the balance of this, this commitment. It takes commitment, it takes durability, it takes consistency. Yeah. And yet there's grace. And yet it's by the grace of God. And yet we need to trust the process. So it was really frustrating for me initially hearing those because it's like, how, how do you have trusting the process and the grace of God at work? And I need to check all these boxes. So it's that performance mindset that can be really detrimental, especially in this recovery process where it's about presenting well rather than being authentic.

When I think of resolutions that are successful or that have worked well and are particularly as they contribute to our recovery, I think it's when they're rooted in self awareness. And that's actually what I like about New Year's. I don't always make resolutions, but I do always feel leading up to it, December 30th and 31st and onto the 1st, there's moments and some of it's, there's holidays and time off. I just find time to like sit down with a pen and journal and just think like, okay, what went well this year? What do I feel is growing? What's improving? What do I not think went well? Where do I feel like I'm kind of losing focus or not on the mark and trying to look at the coming year through that grid of what is happening in my life and what do I need to pay more attention to? Because then out of that, it's connected to kind of the reality of my situation and not just this aspirational, you know, I'm going to be some perfected version of, you know, the performance mindset that Matt talked about. So I think that would be my encouragement in thinking through these. Is really take time for self awareness and the goals or resolution you come up with make sure that they're coming out of your reality and what's doable for you. And honestly, what is most important. Because I also think we can get caught up in the trap of like, well, working out and eating better. Everybody thinks those are good. And I think we all feel like we'd improve if we did some things better there. But that may not actually be what's most needed for us. Maybe it is quality time with kids, maybe it's other forms of self care. Maybe it's being more engaged with community and being at church or in a small group. I mean there's so many things that contribute to our overall recovery. And I think unless we take the time to really assess where do I have weaknesses? You know, it's kind of the. And Matt will appreciate this because I know he is. His family business is barrel building. But it's that illustration of the, the sides of a barrel. You know, if you've got 10 different slats and nine of those slats go all the way to the top, but one of the slats only goes up an inch, then you actually have a 1 inch barrel because anything that gives above the inch, it's going to leak out and it's pointless. So if you have something that's really, really low like that, you need to get that part of your life strengthened because the higher it gets then you have a, you know, a 10 inch barrel or however tall your barrel is. So I, I think that's what self awareness is, is saying what are the low points, what are the weaknesses and making sure I actually put my effort there and not just into something that's, you know, easy to do or popular or feels good because everyone else is doing it.

Serious question. Did you just come up with that illustration? Did you do a little bit of research?

No, that's. Where did I first come across that? I think that's in like maybe ordering your private world or it's in a book I've read. I just, I really, I like it because it's, it helps us visualize that we all have these different parts of ourselves and they're not all at equal strength.

Right.

Well.

And just the tie in to Matt and his fist, that's an amazing tie in.

I'm going to borrow that.

You should. It's not me. I'll try to figure out where I first read that.

Totally. And I like what you're saying because the positive thing that I think makes them so helpful in recovery is if we're able to make goals to what you're saying that look at our health as a holistic thing, not just I am not masturbating and I'm not looking at pornography and I'm not ruining my marriage or whatever. It's. I know that if I implement self care that that's going to help. So maybe I have a small goal around doing self care every week where I find a 10 minute window every day to do some form of self care. So I think things like that, like hanging out with kids or finding self care, I think there's obviously a theme in our answers, but I think that for me, I kept score and that obviously I've already shared that even with the fitness stuff. That's the negative part is I keep score, which makes it a pass fail. And if I fail, I feel shameful and that just doesn't, that makes me want to give up because I don't want to keep going back to this thing that I'm trying to change and keep failing and then keep feeling bad. The motivation then goes away really quickly. And so I think that if we're able to do that, if we're able to avoid that keeping score and look more holistically, I think that's helpful. And even as I'm saying that comparison is another thing that just, we've already talked about it. It just blows these up. If you look at, you know, like Matt can pull off the nice white sweater, I don't know if I got it, I've got a little bit more pale skin. If I'm gonna compare myself to him. Like, and I've said this for a few years now, like whenever comparison happens, someone always loses. And for me, I can always find ways that I lose to other people. It's just maybe a disposition I have or the human condition, but I think that comparison can destroy real change in our life.

Yeah, yeah, that, that comparison is interesting when you look at these resolutions because you have oftentimes this image of what I will look like, this future me, whether it's in recovery, whether it's in fitness, as you've mentioned, what, whatever that might look like, I'm comparing against others. You know, when I am healthy, this is how I'm going to behave. This is, I'm going to go, you know, speak to others or lead groups or do these, these great things and that's, that's great. Or it's this vision of I'm, I'm not going to do any of that. I'm just going to get healthy and move on my way and not have anyone. You know, it's not Romanian connection. And when you actually go through the process and you're surprised as I am that I'm maintaining connections with that very first group, with the group I first entered, and maintaining, maintaining connections when I went in there saying I want to use an alias. I don't want people to even know my real name.

Yeah.

And so it's really going into it. You do have a set idea. And that's. That's true for me in. In fitness and. And this idea of like, I want to be right, this big buff guy, but when I start working out, I just lean down and I'm not. It's like the outcome is healthy, but it's different than I anticipated.

Yeah, that is good. It's a good perspective.

So, Matt, what would you say are some of the things that we need to consider when we're creating resolutions or goals for the new year, specifically as it relates to our recovery journey? What are things that we should really keep in front of us as we're considering making these resolutions?

That connection, a lot of times that talk of accountability, that we need to have others let others in on this. Now you have to be really careful about who that may be. There may be folks in your life or that you could. You could find and think, wow, this person would be really supportive who, who may not have your best in mind or have seen past failures and say, oh, okay, here we go again. It's, you know, the first of the year. So having. Having someone who is a support for you that you can let in and that. That's for you and can help you maintain that and have. Have the perspective that you can restart if you stumble. Yep. That. That it's not a one once or. Or not at all. That.

Yeah.

All or nothing thinking.

Yeah.

So that connection, staying connected is vital.

Something that I feel like has been a trend over the last few years is a lot of people talking about spiritual disciplines and practices, but not even just spiritual disciplines, but things that we do consistently and how impactful those can be. And I think that we need to consider the idea of not just who am I in this moment as I'm doing this, but what I'm doing. Who is this? Let me. Let me rephrase. Who am I becoming by doing this activity? And I think that that forward thinking is something that we really need to consider when we're putting these in place. And, you know, the thing I've been chewing on for probably the last few months is that small actions over time create significant impact or significant change. And so instead of saying, I'm going to work out every single day, and again, maybe we need to make these more recovery focused, but, like, I'm gonna do an hour of recovery work every single day. It's like, okay, I get what you're saying. But is that realistic? What if it was more I'm gonna do 10 minutes of recovery work every day or I'm gonna do 10 minutes of recovery every other day. And on the off day, I'm gonna do self care or finding something that can be that rhythm or that ritual. Because that's how change happens. It's not just this God comes down, touches your life. You're now free. I know some people have that story. It's not our story in this room. The change happens over time as we make these small shifts of redirection in the right direction toward health.

Yeah. When I think of New Year's resolutions and recovery, I think what we want to keep in mind is that addiction is often rooted in isolation and selfishness. And, you know, getting what I want, how I want it, when I want it, and who cares if it hurts others? And even if we know in our healthy thinking that's not right, there's a part of our old nature or sinfulness that that's kind of our attitude. And I think we have to make sure that our resolutions aren't playing into that, that they're just a kind of a more refined version of what's best for me and doing it by myself and kind of forgetting this world around me that God has called me to interact with, particularly my family, my spouse, my kids, my close friends, those that God has put in my life. And so really looking at that grid, even sometimes it may be the same activities. You know, working out or exercise is something we've talked about a lot. I could be doing that from very self driven, just, well, this is what I want, what I need, motives versus boy. If I'm, you know, at a better weight and I'm eating healthier, I'm just a kinder person. I'm better to be around. And so in light of that, here's changes I want to make for the good of my family and for others. So just making sure we're not just, like I said, having a more refined version of being a selfish, isolating person. And the other thing that came to mind, there's a smart, wise old guy. And I'm not sure which one said it, but I love this quote that anything worth doing is worth doing poorly. That idea that the goal is more important than the plan, that where we're headed is more important than the steps we're taking. And so that kind of goes to what you guys have already been saying. But we might not do this perfectly, we might fail along the way. And so I would caution against resolutions that are like, I'm going to work out five times a week. Because then that kind of makes the plan itself the resolution where really the goal might be. I want to be a healthier, physical version of myself this year and I can keep moving towards that even if I have a week where I get off track. I can keep moving towards that even if I forget for a day. And I think sometimes we're so built for streaks like 365 days next year. And then on day 30 we forget and it's like, ah, well, forget that one streak's over. The goal is more important than the plan. And so what is it? Particularly in your recovery, in your relationship, what are you really working towards? And then, yes, set plans for it, but don't lose sight of the goal in making the plans.

Okay, so what final tips or advice can we give men and women to help create health for the holidays, specifically around creating realistic and really it's sustainable resolutions in the new year?

I would say looking at it as a process, it's not a one and done. This idea that there are going to be multiple changes in the future and this is the start of a new path in your journey, a new section of your journey. So you, you have this recovery behind you, this work you've done, and see this as another leg, so to speak. And, and those legs, if you look at it like a marathon, they can, they can vary. If you look at something like the hood to coast relay, I mean, it's so varied in, in just the terrain.

Yeah.

So you may be entering into a new section that requires some new commitment or a new, new perspective, but there's more to come down the road. So, so viewing it as this long haul rather than I'm going to make this shift and everything will fall into place. Keeping that, that realistic view that this isn't, this isn't a sprint, this isn't a short journey and it failed. So I'm done. Yeah, it's a, the next leg.

Unless you're, unless you're racing me, then it absolutely is a spike.

Well, I really appreciate Matt using the running illustration since I used a barrel illustration. You know, he's tapping into my, my passions there, guys.

Way to go.

I love that idea that we're in. When we're in different seasons, it's like the terrain looks different and the strategy might need to change, you know, and what we needed at 25 is different than what we need at 55. And just being okay with those changes or different seasons. The thing that came to mind for me. You know, the one tip I would say, be brave enough to go to the people in your life you care about and ask them for input. And I think a way you could phrase it to a spouse or to kids or coworkers is to say, if I could change one thing about our relationship for next year, if I could do one thing to be a better husband, if I could do one thing to be a better dad, a better boss, a better co worker, a better friend, and really say sincerely, I'd like to hear, if I could change one thing, what would you suggest? And just listen, you know, because I think you might be surprised what a spouse or kids or friends might say, like, oh, why didn't. I didn't really thought that. And sometimes it may be easier than we think or more. More practical where we kind of get, I think, visionary. I'm going to do these, you know, great things and I'll be this brand new person. And. And others are like, you know, it really just mean a lot to me if once a day you'd check in and say you're thinking about me, like, oh, oh, okay, well, I could do that.

Yeah.

All right, great. Now that's a new step in our relationship, so. Or on the flip side, though, they may also give you something really challenging. Totally. Which can be, as we've talked on a lot of podcasts, that can be addressing our blind spots, that maybe there's some pretty big things in relationships that we don't want to address or we've been blind to. And we're thinking, we're like, I'm going to eat better, exercise more. And they're like, you know, I really need to know that I matter to you, and we need to do this counseling journey together, or we need to go to this marriage thing. And. And there's a part of you that's really resistant to that. But if you hear that from someone else and they're saying, that's the one thing I think would improve our relationship, man, I'd say seriously consider that that ought to be your goal or your resolution. Because as I said earlier, we don't want to just repeat our selfishness and narcissism of making it all about us. And resolutions have that trap or tendency to them. So ask others and then be willing to engage with the kind of feedback you get.

Yeah.

You mentioned earlier, Nick, kind of that the repetition of, like, find your why. And that's what I wrote down for this question. Like, I think understanding why we're doing something is as significant as what we're actually doing. I think that if we're just, you know, going on a run so that we can beat someone at Hood to Coast, like, that's one thing. But if we know the why behind it is that this puts me in a better emotional and mental state. And when I come home, I'm much more attuned to my feelings and the feelings of my family, and it just makes me a better spouse or a better parent. I think that that's helpful. And when we understand the why, it tends to make that goal more holistic. It's not just this one aspect of my life, you know, by itself siloed over here is what I'm working on. It's actually seeing the connection of this change or this area I'm working on to everything else in my life. And the interesting thing, even as we're talking, you'll hear the language is not all recovery based. Like, this all has implications for recovery. But this is about being just a healthy person in general, Being a healthy human being who follows the Lord and loves deeply and is in relationship with people around them. And so I think that that's really what our hope is, is not just that your goal would be like, I'm not gonna look at porn, or I'm not gonna snoop on my spouse's phone, or I'm gonna join a group. Like, those are all things that it's good to work on, but to know that we're after being the healthiest version of ourself we can be, and know that that has significant implications in recovery and healing from betrayal.

Trevor, in that, that why versus the what, that is from the start, something we talk about in the counseling and in this recovery process, that the why is far more significant than the what. And so often we focus on the what. And that's not to say the what isn't totally significant. The behaviors are significant and they had impacts on us and those we love, those who are in relationship. But the why is what will shift. The what it will. When you address the why. And. And so often there's that initial shift of like, oh, okay, I see that. But it's also true in positive behaviors. The why. Why do you want to get there? Is it so that you'll appease someone? Is it. Is it something, you know, just so you don't get in trouble more? And it keeps you stuck in that first order change versus second order change. It keeps you in that place of, I just, I want to be a bet, I want to be Better at hiding this. I want to manage my sin better. You know, you don't necessarily say that to yourself, but it's the underlying why versus I want to be healthier and do what it takes. And that maybe that authenticity, that transparency and being willing to brave, as you mentioned, Nick, brave enough to ask those difficult questions. Yeah. How do I impact you? That is one of the hardest questions you can ask because you're. You're hearing some difficult responses oftentimes. So that bravery in being transparent, that's that second order change. That's that the hard thing is the right thing in relationship and exchange. So that why is what will shift the what.

Yeah, I think as I'm hearing you too, Matt, an encouragement maybe to finish would be identifying maybe a change that would be hard coming this year would be something that is difficult because oftentimes the things that are so difficult for us to make changes in have the most significant, like ties to our life. There's what maybe are holding us back from those, you know, next layers of health and relationship with the Lord, with ourselves, with other people. And so would you be brave enough to ask that question to people around you? Would you be brave enough to take a step into a really difficult goal that would take a lot of discipline and a lot of effort, but will be so worth it in the end? And that's what we hope you got from this series and that you got from even today's episode is that health for the holidays? We're really talking about it because we want health for all the days is what we want. Right. We don't just want health for these, you know, eight to six weeks. We really want people to be healthy long term. And you can be healthy and realistic resolutions, setting those up can absolutely be a part of it. I would encourage you. Don't just set resolutions at the end of a year. Like let's do a mid year resolution, let's do a quarterly resolution, something that we're working on as the year changes and as we're moving. Because as you talked about in the episode, life changes and different seasons happen. And so knowing that that can change the adaptability that Matt, you talked about. So, Matt, thank you for. I feel like I need to tell this story real quick before we get out of here. You and I were sitting next to each other at our PSAP training and you're sitting next to me, a friend and a pastor of mine sitting next to me on the other side, and we just got into some conversations and I was like, hey, did you know that we're hiring clinicians and you're getting your psap, and he's like, oh, no. And I like he. You know, I just gave him, you know, our clinical director's number. And I'll just say it was super cool for me. I've liked you since the second I met you, but it just was so cool. The timeliness of God setting you in a room with a bunch of Pure Desire people. And then now you get to move from being helped to now being the helper. And so we see you and we value you on staff and we appreciate you being a part of our team and for being with us today on your first podcast. Appreciate it, man.

All right, well, thank you. Yeah, that was a pivotal moment, for sure.

That's so cool. All right. And remember, wherever you're at on your journey, Pure Desire is here to help create a roadmap for your healing. If you or someone you know is impacted by sexual brokenness or betrayal trauma, go to PureDesire.org and begin the healing journey today. If this podcast is helpful on your journey, please share it with others. Make sure to subscribe to the podcast. Drop us a review. It helps others find the show. Each week, we are putting out new content to help you on the road to healing and freedom. And lastly, never stop being healthy.

It.