316 - The Power Of Sharing Our Story w/ Ashley Sears

Welcome to the Pure Desire Podcast, helping you take back your life from unwanted sexual behavior and betrayal trauma. What's up, people? I am your host, Trevor Windsor, and you're listening to episode 316 of the Pure Desire Podcast. Here joining me, as always, is my co host, Nick Stumbo.

Extra, extra. Read all about it.

Just from any TV show movie, there's nothing specific.

Make a pick. Yeah, I didn't really have anything specific in mind.

Okay, let me see if that was a deep cut, intentionally or not. Are you referencing the newspaper article that was on our guest and her husband? Do you remember that?

Yeah. Yeah, that's good. No, I was more just referencing this idea. There used to be an era where kids would walk around selling newspapers for a nickel and you'd walk by and just buy the day's news. And in a time where that was about the only way you could find out what was going on in the world is you had to find all the stories in the newspaper. And I'm kind of nostalgic in that sense that I like newspapers. But getting one would be like where we live and where newspapers are delivered be really, really expensive. And you can get it all on your phone or computer. So it doesn't make a lot of sense. But I don't know, there's something about having the day's news all in one place and opening it up. And I remember as a kid there was more of that because we got the daily paper where I lived in Montana and Wyoming, and. And we weren't permitted to watch much TV and didn't have smartphones and so, like, even for sports stuff there, I remember mornings, like, getting up so I could go grab the paper and find the stories of what had happened the day before. And just that excitement of getting the news, getting the stories, and then connects to today's guest. So that's. That's what I was thinking about.

We had Ashley Sears on, who is the founder of the Stories Unveiled Conference and is actually a member here at Pure Desire. So we are big fans of her and definitely love her. And this is the second time we've had her on. We had her and her husband Asher on to share their story of healing a while back. And this one was just Ashley. And we really talked about the power of sharing our stories, why it's so meaningful and powerful, and it was a really good time together.

Yeah. Beyond a newspaper article, when we share our stories, it is like opening up the pages of our life and letting someone get a glimpse of parts that might not always be known. And as we discuss at several points in the podcast, it doesn't mean everyone knows all parts of our story all the time, but learning ways that we can be authentic and real and delve into some of the hard parts and the messy parts that really create connection and create opportunities for growth and encouragement. And I think Ashley has done a great job of just seeing the power of that and inviting people into the process of owning your story and seeing how that makes a difference in our life. So great conversation. Great to have Ashley on again. Again. And, yeah, just, I think, good for all of us to consider what is my story and how would I tell it? Because I think all of us, whether we're on a podcast or just meeting a friend for coffee, can use our stories in ways we maybe haven't expected. So I hope everyone will really take that away from this episode.

Yeah. And she talks about her conference and how meaningful that is. And I think to another place where we know lots of stories get shared and a lot of people get to rub shoulders and get connect with other people. On the healing and recovery journey is our Pure Desire Summit. And that is this September 15 and 16. And we just want to keep pushing that event and make sure that people know about it. We've got a lot of cool things happening in September.

Yeah. Yeah. We have said if you are a fan of Pure Desire, the summit is for you, whether you are a group member, group leader, former group attendee, you're a spouse, you're a couple that have gone through this journey, you're a leader that's helping start it at your church. It's just kind of taking this whole realm of recovery and saying, let's rally. Let's do something together. Yep. Let's celebrate God's work among us. Let's hear from people that are leading the way. And there's something that happens in that environment. You know, it's. It's like if. If you are, I'll throw some things out. You know, if someone's a coin collector or a baseball collector or an antiques collector, and you go to the. The big showcase, you know, like at the convention center, and you walk in and it's just like, these are my people. And I think the summit is like that for so many of us. You walk in and you hadn't even thought about it until that moment, but you're like, these are my people. They get my story and what we're walking through. And there's some common bonds here that is just powerful. And so we encourage people to experience the summit with others. Come in person, go to one of the host sites or watching with a small group or in your home with a spouse family member can be equally powerful just to create some of those connection points to have that encouragement. And so I hope people will tune in and be a part of the 2023 summit. It's going to be awesome.

Yes. So to join us, go to PureDesire.org summit and we will see you in Sept. A couple other things. Subscribe to the podcast. As always, we're on all the major platforms and listen, how about you don't write a review this week, but you share this episode with someone and say, hey, I think you have a powerful story. Will you listen to this and maybe consider sharing your story? Ooh, good idea, Trev. Thanks. Also, follow us on social media earedesirepdmi and with that, here's our time with Ashley Sears with the Stories Unveiled conference on the power of sharing our story. All right, Ashley Sears, welcome back to the Pure Desire podcast. We're super happy to have you with us. Thanks for being here.

Absolutely. Thanks for having me. I'm excited.

Yes. I'm just gonna say it. You're one of my favorite people. Every time we've met, I just feel like, I don't know, I just, I get you. And I feel like I was just even telling our producer, Justin before this that you're one of the people I feel like I can make laugh like any. At any point in any time. And so those people tend to be my favorite people. That's not what this episode is about. This is your second time on the podcast and the first time you were on with your husband Asher. And yes, that is Asher and Ash. It's still weird. I get it. But we'll put that episode in the show notes. You guys shared your story of healing and walked through that and something that you have experience on and expertise on. We'll talk about your organization and your conference, but stories are a big part of what you do, what you're passionate about. And so we wanted to kind of leverage maybe that first episode and what you do with your conference to really press into the power of sharing our story and really explore this. And I think this is something that everyone can do. And so I think that that's why this episode is so important. But as we get going, maybe people are newer to the podcast, haven't heard that episode. Can you just do a quick recap again? You guys did that Stories of Healing. So people who haven't heard that give a Recap of who you are, the ministry involved with, and maybe a brief snippet of you and Asher's story.

Yeah. So I'm Ashley. I am the founder of an organization called Stories Unveiled. And like you said, my husband, Asher and I were on the podcast a couple of years ago, shared our story and really just kind of a quick recap about our story and then just myself, which really kind of feeds into Stories Unveiled. Excuse me. About two years into me and Asher's marriage, I found out that he had a sex and pornography addiction. You can hear all of those details and everything in the podcast if anybody wants to go listen. But really it was through a series of events and disclosures and betrayal and it really became kind of a 10 year long journey of hurt and just trying to wade through what this looks like and what we were going to do and if we were even going to stay married. The last six years have been more of like rebuilding and healing. But yeah, we've been married for 18 years this summer and so we've been kind of walking that journey for a while. The interesting thing is, though, I don't even think I shared on my podcast, but it really all feeds into the same, the same vein. Why Stories Unveiled started is when I was about 16 years old, I found out that the man I thought was my father was not actually my father. My mom had been artificially inseminated with me. And I didn't know my father, nor would I ever know my father. And I didn't know that until I was about 16 years old because, yeah, because that man threatened my mom and said that we were. That my brother and I were to never know the truth. So it wasn't until after they divorced that I was able to find out the truth. And so that really set the stage, stage for me for like the one, you know, one of the two people, as a child and adolescent, you're supposed to be able to trust or your parents that the man that I was supposed to call my dad had been lying to me since birth. So kind of fast forward, kind of dealing with all of that through my adolescence and young adulthood. When I was in my 20s, I had a stalker. I found out I had a stalker for several months. And that ultimately led to a lot of courtroom stuff and him going prison. But he was a perfect stranger and I didn't, I didn't know him. He, you know, pinpointed me and all of that. But kind of in that same season, I was sexually assaulted by a very good friend of mine. Well, I Thought he was a good friend of mine. We had no romantic history. We had no past like that. And he snuck into my home and he assaulted me. Really, what that kind of continued to solidify was that men can't be trusted, like, ever. Whether I knew him, whether they were friends, it didn't matter. And then I met my husband and let him in, fell in love, all the things. And then two years in our marriage, I find out that he's been lying to me. And so all of these things lead up to about six or seven years ago, when I started Stories Unveiled that God can work through our stories, and God can work through any story. And for me, like, in my story, God is the only thing that's been consistent. Like, he. He is my heavenly father, regardless if I know my real father or not. He is my constant. He is the only one that I can trust. And so people are just going to fail you always. Like, they're just always going to fail us. And so I've learned to kind of press into that and be able to share my story and what God has done and how he's shown up and how I can glorify him through that. So that's just kind of a little backstory.

Yeah, a little backstory, but a lot of stuff in there, for sure.

Many, many, many pieces we could unpack. You know, one of my favorite parts of the Seven Pillars Journey for Men is a lesson where they read about the power of a coherent narrative, that when we can tell a coherent narrative of our family, our story, and how it all fits together, the way that it really gives us the power to change that with God and others and to live out a new story. And it occurs to me, as you share, Ashley, that that's a lot of what you're doing, is that you're able to share in kind of a snapshot. Boy, look at all these significant moments. But the ways they have tied together into the good that God is bringing in my life now and how I'm using it. And because you have a coherent narrative, those aren't just past crazy, traumatic experiences that now define you in a negative way. They become part of the story you're writing in a new and healthy way. And I think that kind of leads into the next question. You know, I think for many listeners, as they hear you share, they're maybe feeling like, oh, my word, I could never share pieces like that, you know, with a close friend, let alone on a podcast being heard around the country. So for the person or people that feel like sharing Their story, especially those dark and painful parts, is terrifying. What would you say to that person about how to overcome that fear and why, you know, being able to share your story, especially those difficult parts are, is so powerful.

Yeah. So I know for me, the enemy likes to tell lies that you're alone, that, you know, you're isolated. He wants to keep you isolated. And it's really easy to believe the lie that nobody's going to understand. People are going to think of you different, you know, fill in the blank of whatever that, that fear, that narrative is. But for me, I just feel like it's so important to share your story because Jesus spoke in stories like he told parables to teach, like he that's. We're wired for stories. You know, when we share our story, we're sharing our testimony and we're sharing about what God has done. And really our story is one of the only things that people can't take away from us. So, you know, we, especially when we share our story to glorify God and in light of the gospel, which is what, which is what I help women do, that's, that's just the easiest and like the simplest way to share who God is and what he's done in your experience through your own life. And I know for me, the, the moment I took that very first step, which was, it is scary because you, you know, you tell yourself these things like, well, what if this and what if that and they think differently. And for me, especially in this situation, like with my husband, what if they think differently of my husband? Then I'm throwing him under the bus, you know, and while I have a story to tell in this, it's also his story. And so how to really like navigate what's mine and what's his that for at the end of the day, for me, Jesus is the most important thing and I want to be able to glorify him in my story. And if somebody is going to abandoned me because of who I am or what I've said or what I've been through or the choices I've made, or if somebody is going to think differently, differently of me or my husband or whatever, then maybe they weren't supposed to be there to begin with. God's going to put people in your life and remove them from your life for lots of different reasons. And I know that I'm just called to share who God is and you know, what Jesus has done in my life and doing that through my story is the simplest way. And really what God's Writing on my life.

Life. So I think the reason I know for me in my story and my experience in the church, why it's so terrifying to share your story is because it's so against the culture that we're in. Like, people don't share the deep, dark stuff. And I mean, you think about that inside the church, that's also amplified outside. You think about who people are on social media, and this presentation of themselves or this version of themselves that they're presenting to the world is not who they really are all the time. And so I think for us, we see this polished version inside and outside the church, which then it's like, well, why would I show the, you know, the unpolished parts of my story? And then when it comes to overcoming that fear, I think one of the easiest ways to kind of find courage is to think about when someone in the past has told their story and how it connected to you. And I don't know, maybe it facilitated self discovery, maybe it facilitated shame, you know, being dropped off. Maybe it made you feel closer to someone in a relationship. Maybe it gave you confidence to share that part of your story. Just thinking about how that person sharing their story unlocks something in your story, thinking that I can do that for someone else. I think that that's what I experienced in the group setting, and that's why I love pure desire groups, is because it creates that opportunity every single week for you to share your story. Bits and pieces that help other people make connections in their own.

Yeah, and sometimes sharing our story is terrifying because we've never done it before. And I don't just mean, like publicly on a podcast. I mean those parts of our story that we've not shared with any honestly, openly, and that is fearful, that is frightening. And it should be, like, it's okay. But just because it's scary doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. And so if part of the fright or terror someone's feeling about sharing their story is I've just never really addressed this part of my life, that first step is who's the safe person, who's the friend, the family member, the counselor, the pastor that I feel confident I can go to, and maybe for the first time, starting to put into words my story, things that happened to me, things I experienced and looking for, how do I start addressing this? Because really, until we start addressing it and until we start finding some comfort with being able to tell safe people, we're not going to want to share our story. It's when we start to see wow. In opening up about my story, it's doing something in me. It's doing something for others that becomes powerful. But that first time or that first environment, it's like for many of us that had a pure desire group, some of those first lessons may be on worst moments or secrets or past behaviors. It's like we'll hear someone say, I've never told anyone this before, but there's a deep swallow and they go for it. And the aftermath of people's acceptance and affirmation and encouragement is really life shaping. And so just having that courage to say, I think facing and processing my story is worth it, then we might face the fear we have around telling our story.

Yeah, totally.

Yeah. And you, you said something. Finding that safe person, you know, that trusted friend that, you know, pastor whoever, I tell women all the time, like, you can be authentic and sharing your story in its entirety and what God has done and kind of walking through that without sharing every single detail that not everybody deserves, you know, a bird's eye view into every, every detail of your life, especially when it comes to, like, marriage. But regardless of what that story is, not everybody deserves that, you know, that lens. But to find a trusted person, to find somebody to be able to kind of appropriately share that with. Airing your dirty laundry on social media is not sharing your story, you know?

Yeah.

You know, anytime somebody says, how are you doing? It doesn't have to be well, and then, you know, totally vomit.

Even that is a good way to get people to stop asking how you're doing. If every time they do, you just unload. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I'm not asking that question. Right. Yeah, totally.

But, yeah, that you can authentically still share and say, well, you know, I'm not great, and there's a lot going on in my marriage, and I just found, you know, like, you can still authentically share daily. And then whether it's in small groups, you know, seven Pillars, betrayal and beyond, or just in any setting, I'm still authentic without kind of giving the whole mess.

Totally. And we've had episodes on that, too, that we've talked about. Not everyone. You don't have to share your story with everyone and why that's important to identify those safe people. But I think there's that fear of, like, oh, well, I'm not being authentic. I am being secretive or I'm isolating by not. And I think there's a difference between isolating and pulling away from community and having wisdom and discernment on, is this person capable or competent enough to understand what I'm saying or respond well. And if the answer is no, that doesn't mean that you're keeping a secret. That means that you're really. You're creating a boundary that's helping you remain healthy, for sure. Okay, so the next question after that, and I know a lot of people get stuck on this one, is, okay, cool, I'm willing to share my story. I think I can do this. But how? Like, what does that look like? And so the question is, what sort of format or even structure works best when sharing your story? And do we have any tips that, you know, we'd want to give somebody who wants to share their story to a friend or to their church? What does that look like?

So I coach women for two different reasons when sharing. I mean, all for sharing your story for the purpose of that. But really, it's kind of two different purposes that women typically seek to share their story. The first one is to do it on a platform, to do it on a podcast, to do it on a, you know, a whole church setting, to do it at the Stories Unveiled conference, those sorts of things. And then the other is just to be able to kind of put their thoughts together and know. What did you say, Nick? The narrative.

The cohesive narrative.

Yeah, I could not think of that cohesive narrative. How to. How to make kind of a coherent thought from here to here. This is kind of my story in a nutshell. And so those are kind of the two reasons. And I approach them relatively similarly. But obviously, how it's presented will look different in. In both ways. But really what I do to help is I tell women to just jot down, like, all the events in their life that really shaped them, that really just formed them. And, you know, like, I could sit down and write, really, a handful of things. And good or bad, like, it doesn't all have to be, you know, dramatic. It's just all of the things that they feel shaped them. Core memories. And then I sit down with them and I help pull out themes. For example, like in mine, if I were to tell you the things that I said at the beginning of this podcast, it's very clear that a theme is, well, she's been betrayed by men since she was an adolescent, and so clearly there's going to be some issues there. And so I'm able to kind of help give perspective. Because a lot of times what is difficult for somebody is they're in it. When you're living your own story, perspective is really hard to have because you're just in the mess, right? And so to kind of give that hundred thousand foot view and say, well, here's what I see, here's what I notice. And then I just tell them to kind of start not even at the beginning chronologically, but at the beginning of the where were you in like your lowest point? And work your way to where are you now? And what are some things that happened in between there? Because really, the whole point of what I do in helping women share their stories is typically through the lens of the gospel. And where is Jesus? Like, you were here and now you're here. And because you are, because you are still standing here in front of me, you've got more story to tell and God's still doing work. So let's. So let's try and pull out. How has he carried you through this?

One of the themes I think about a lot in sharing our stories, particularly in the regard of addiction recovery, betrayal, is asking the question, does your story glorify your pain or does it glorify God and his work in your life? Because I think maybe in particular in this area, there can be a tendency for people to share some of the sordid details of the past and what they did and where they went and. And maybe partly because that's really interesting and it's a little bit like the car accident effect that it's horrifying, but we can't look away and we want to see more. But then I hear these stories and it's like 85%, all this sordid background in detail. And then I met Jesus at a retreat, and life is better since then. And you're like, well, what about like, so, you know, all I'm left with is all these details of your past. Really, I think it's more powerful to focus on what you were saying, Ashley. Where did I meet God? Where did I have an encounter with Christ? What started to create a change or a shift or a. A new awareness that is now leading to growth and making sure I spend as much, if not more time on what's happening now. How am I growing? How am I changing? How am I seeking community? How am I trusting God in new ways? Because that's really the goal to me of the story is not, let me give you the worst parts of my life. So you're fascinated by it, but really let me speak encouragement to you by what I'm experiencing. And so I think maybe it was Bill Bright, who in the 80s and 90s was known for a lot of evangelism. Training in the church and had that simple pattern of, like, before Christ, meeting Christ and after Christ, and this idea of give a brief understanding of what life was like before, and then clearly articulate and explain, how did you meet God? Where did that happen? Because I think a lot of people have questions if they're stuck in the before part of, how can God even meet me in this? What would that look like? So to describe that and then begin to talk about the after, the what is happening now? And that doesn't mean the story's over, but it's kind of that focus, as you were saying, Ashley, on the now what? And I think through that lens of who's being glorified in this telling can be a really helpful way just to think about your story.

And I think that if you're starting to make sense of your story, being able to explain the why of why you did things, like. And then so, you know, using your story, Ashley, as an example, like, so because of what I experienced when I was 16 with who I thought my dad was, when my husband exposed this addiction, here's why I responded the way that I did. Here's why those two things felt the same. And so being able to make those. Bridging those gaps for people to see, because I think that a. A lot of people who haven't done this work, that's a risk you run, is that people are not able to make that jump and make that connection. And so being able to give people kind of those crumbs, you know, those breadcrumbs along the way. And I think one of the things I absolutely hate, and I even tell my sons at home, don't use the word hate. Like, don't use it. But I genuinely hate is when someone just ties the, like, after Christ in this, like, red, pretty, silky bow. And it's like. And life is amazing. And me and my spouse are incredible, and her children are perfect. And it's like, you lost me like I was with you, and now, and now I'm gone. Like, embrace the messy parts that still exist of life. I think that people who follow Jesus need to know that even following Jesus is hard. Life is difficult. There's still ups and downs. There are still relapses that happen. Even though you've been in recovery for 10 years, there are still arguments you have with your spouse. Even though your marriage might be amazing, there's just things that happen. Crisis is still gonna happen. Even though maybe you're in recovery and healing already and you've had that under your belt crisis is going to happen, something is going to enter your life that's difficult. And that's what's so tough and ridiculous and I hate about recovery. But the beautiful part is that it's always evolving because new things come into life, new things happen, and we're processing them as it happens. So please just embrace the messy parts of recovery, being in relationship with Jesus, because people are encouraged when they hear those parts, too.

That's why I said, for the last six years, my husband and I have been in rebuilding and, you know, recovery phase instead of the last six years have been great, but before that, because, I mean, there's been great parts, but yeah, we are all still in practice. And that's. That's a point that I share with all of the women. As a matter of fact, my very first year of doing this conference, I had a speaker and she was sharing her story. And I have all my speakers write everything out, and we go over and kind of dive in prior to. And whether they read it or memorize it or just use notes is totally up to them. However, I do make them kind of write it out so they have this cohesive thought or story. And I had one of my speakers the night before the conference, our very first conference. She called me and she said, I can't share the story that I wrote. And I asked her why, because she still was speaking in the morning. And she said, because I'm trying to wrap this in a book. And you keep telling me not to, but I'm trying to wrap it in a bow. And, you know, for her, part of her story was her husband is paralyzed. And she said, and I don't know how to. I don't know how to wrap that in a bow because he got in an accident and he got paralyzed and he's not walking again. So I don't know how to, like, I don't know how to make good. And I said, don't. You don't have to make it good. He. This happens to him, and he's going to be like this forever. It's okay to say where you've seen God show up and how he's working through it, but it's also okay to say, and my husband's still paralyzed, and I don't know what the rest of our lives look like, but I'm trusting him. Like, you don't have to have it wrapped in a bow. Our stories are not perfect. They never will be. And to just embrace that and know and know that your story can still be messy But God is still bigger.

Yeah, yeah, that's. That is a powerful point. And I think something people relate to, because that's part of the reality of life, is that it's messy. And many, many people live with chronic pain. And I don't just mean physical. Sometimes that is their story. But chronic pain in an unresolved relationship where they've done what they can, but it is still estranged things over, you know, lost careers or dreams or just. That's part of, you know, what I think a lot of theologians kind of referred to as that ache for heaven, that ache for eternity is something is not right with this world, and we live in it. And so when we can tell people. Yeah. And in the midst of that hardship or pain or suffering or difficulty or whatever, I'm in. Just like you said, Ashley, here's where God is faithful. Here's where I'm trusting him in new ways. That's powerful. What is it that makes sharing our story so powerful? And why is it so important then to share that with others?

Well, first of all, there is actual psychological and scientific proof that when you share your story, it actually creates healing for not only the person sharing it, but for the person hearing it. I can't remember. It was an article in Psychology Today, you know, but anyways, it was this whole thing about when we do that, it creates. I mean, you guys are all very familiar with neuropathways and all of that, but it creates something in the brain that. That helps stimulate healing both when you're sharing it, but also for the person that's listening to it in biblical terms. I see that as every time you share your story, it pulls it a little bit further out of the dark and a little bit more into the light. And, you know, if you're talking about healing, whether it's from an addiction or recovery or whatever, whatever we're talking about, you can't deal with or heal or recover from something that you don't talk about. And so I just think it's so important to take that like. Like we said, like we keep saying, you know, that first trusted person, even though it's scary because it's. It's so important for healing process, whether you're a betrayed person or you're the one that's made bad decisions or whatever it is, because not only it helps heal you, but it gives permission to other people to be able to then share their story. That's something that I found so profound the very first time I shared my story in a group larger than just like One or two people on a platform. And I just. Just was like, here it is. Like, but here's where God's working. How many people afterward, oh, my gosh. Like, I've never told anybody this. Or, me too. Or. And some of it pertains to the same topic as pornography or infidelity or some stuff like that. And some of them. Some. Some of it didn't. Some of it was just completely different subjects. But when we're vulnerable and when we are able to kind of put down that fear and step into, you know what, I'm just going to glorify God through this and see what he does with it. It gives permission for other people to feel safe, to be able to do that as well.

Yeah. Paul Young, author, We've actually had him on the show. He said, I was. I was on some other podcast. I was listening. And he said that the reason why writing stories is so powerful for him is that he can have a perspective that he has on a certain situation or topic or whatever. And if he just says his opinion from the start, someone can reject that opinion. But he said, there's this crazy, beautiful thing where a story is able to sneak in past people's defenses, and then when they see the truth in reality, it's already inside and it expands and you're much more receptive to it. And, you know, like, I know even saying his name, there's some connotations to that, but, like, what he's saying is true. And I think that's why Jesus spoke in parables and in stories, because people were able to realize, like, oh, he's talking about me. Got it. Okay. You know, an example in my life, and I recently talked about this, that I remember Derek Jeter, shortstop for the New York Yankees, hit his 3,000th hit, and it was a home run. And I remember watching. I was sitting by myself watching it on espn, and he hits the home run, and I just start crying. And it's funny because I've shared that before, and a reaction is just like, why are you crying? You just gotta hit. That's just a home run. It's not a big deal. But if I. And I have. I've shared this story where I realized that when I was 12, 13, and I made an amazing play, and the reaction I got from the crowd and from the parents of the guys that were on my team is that I was a ball hog, that I somehow had done this amazing thing, but had this really negative experience. And when I'm watching Derek Jeter hit this Unbelievable accomplishment in his career solidifies him in the hall of fame. People are just showering him with praise and everything. It's this incredible moment. Like for me, telling that story of when I was 13 helps you make sense of why that moment, watching him get that hit was so important to me and why it made me so emotional. Because it's something I didn't receive. And it could be the other way too. It's something that you did receive that you shouldn't have. But I just think that our stories allow people to be more receptive to the reality or the truth of what we all experience. And I really do think that our stories, because they can sneak in past people defenses is allow self discovery to happen that wouldn't have happened any other way because they can reject you from the start.

Yeah. And to build on that, I think the brilliance of stories and what we see Jesus using was how people were allowed to find themselves in the story. And like you were saying, Ashley, people find a piece they relate to, I think of the brilliance of Jesus telling the story of the lost son or the prodigal son, that in telling that story he was simultaneously making a point to his disciples about what God was like. He was making a point to the religious leaders about their heart attitude. He was making a point to the tax collectors and sinners about. About how God felt about that. Like everyone listening was identifying with something and going oh, you know, and being made to think. Whereas if. And I think the same happens when we share our stories of struggle or recovery or pain or whatever. You know, if I share my story of walking through addiction and coming to pure desire and what my wife and I walk through, you know, people are able to identify with a part of it versus if I just say, you know, guys, looking at pornography is really bad and hurtful to your wife life. It's like, well that then was just to the men and women are like, yeah, that's right. But they're not, they're not really identifying. So I think people see ourselves in the story and connect and you know, what you were referring to, Ashley, is what I would call it's whole brain activity. Because in a story, people's left brain is the words and the logic. They have to process that. But the right brain is story and emotion and creativity and art. And so you're kind of engaging with them in a holistic way. And the other thing that I would just echo, you said too, Trevor, that it's disarming to people when you tell a story. Because if I start you know, especially in today's day and age, if I start talking about scientific data, people are like, well, I don't trust that, you know, well, I'm sure those scientists were bought off or paid or even if I'm quoting stats, people would be like, well, I wonder who the researchers were, what questions did they ask? Or they probably only asked a couple of people and now they're twisting the stats. If I just talk ideas, platitudes, people are like, well, I don't agree with that. You know, and your truth's, your truth, I don't need that. But when I tell a story, people can't go, I don't believe that. I mean, if they trust us at all or we're someone that's a friend, like, your story is real and I can't reject that. That's what happened to you. And if I'm seeing myself in it, a part of me is open to going, well, maybe that could happen for me too. And so I think when we recognize all that, just say, man, even if you feel as so often can happen kind of in Christian circles where we've unfortunately created this category of like, the sensational stories are the only ones that matter. And unless you came from some, you know, drug addicted, gang fested, you know, background and then met Jesus, your story doesn't matter. Like, well, I don't really have a testimony. It's like, no, it's not what you've done or the behaviors themselves that matter. It's your personal connection with it, what you felt, what you experienced in the it. And so even if you're thinking, well my struggle was just. And then fill in the blank, it's like, well, yeah, and maybe for many, many other people, they're just going through the same thing. And so don't discount what's happened because it's, you feel like it's not as sensational as someone else's. Because a lot of us, we, we need to figure out where is God at in those places that maybe aren't, you know, the crazy story. They're just the everyday life of parenting and kids and finances and jobs and careers and, and the stuff we all wrestle with when someone a story about what happened, how God met them in some of the everyday stuff, that's as powerful as anything. That's what's beautiful about stories. Whether they are about this huge moment or just a tiny thing. If we see God's activity, God's goodness, a blessing, we're like, wow, that's awesome. And we relate to it.

Just random. Is it like 2/3 of the Bible is a narrative? Is that a true stat? It's like it's a high percentage of the Bible.

I don't believe that stat, Trevor. No, I don't know. I don't actually know. That sounds. That seems pretty accurate.

Okay, I heard it somewhere from someone who's credible, but I was thinking about, and I don't know why, but the quote, a quote I heard from John Piper one time said the point of biblical stories addressing narrative and specifically the Old Testament and then the gospels, is not that we know in our heads, but that we feel in our bones that God is for us. And I think that that's. Even God knew that as he's inspiring the writing of scripture, that narrative like story is important. And if you don't believe me, all you have to do is open up to your Bible and there it is.

I have heard that 72% of stats are made up on the spot, so it could be that.

Thank you for undercutting my credibility. Ashley, back to you. You created a conference around this topic, sharing stories. And we've talked about it already. It's called Stories Unveiled. I have yet to be invited to this all women's conference. I'll talk to you about that later. But will you tell our listeners about the conference? And like, starting a conference is not a small thing. So like, like tell the story of why, like why you started it, why it's so important to you.

Trevor, you're invited. Every year men show up.

Let's go. And then they're turned away at the door, but they show up for sure.

Yeah. So about. Well, let's see. In 2017, I. My husband and I were kind of coming out of some. The heart hard stuff. Asher had joined a seven pillars group and we were kind of waiting through what healing, rebuilding health looked like, what a healthy marriage looked like, and what trust looked like and all of that. And so when we got to a certain point in that process, fully committed to our marriage, to each other, to healing and recovery, we decided that we didn't want this story and our junk to be wasted. I mean, what good is it if we deal with it in silence and we hold it close to our chest and we don't say a word about it, especially within the church, because we cannot possibly be the only people dealing with this. So he and I made a commitment to each other that where it applied and when it was relevant, we would just share our story, whether it was. Is our marriage story his story? Because you know, he's got his own story or mine, and, you know, all that there. So we decided to do that. And as we started sharing our story, whether it was on a platform or individually, in small groups, pure desire, group stuff like that, I start. I personally started having this, what I would call this holy discontent for all of the horrible stories that I heard. Like, just so many hard things. And it's one thing when it's your own life and you think, man, like, this is terrible. But then you just. It's like every single person I come in contact with has a story. And while I, you know, that obviously to be true, it just became very real because the more I shared, the more people shared with me. And I didn't really know what I was asking for, but I just prayed and was like, God, I can't obviously fix this, and I'm. Nor am I meant to, but what do I do with this? Because I was really, really concerned. I guess concern is not the right word. I was. I was bothered by the fact that I learned. I learned some of the deepest, darkest things of some people's stories that I had known for years. And I didn't know any of these details. I had been in small groups with these people. Our kids did things together. Like, we were good friends. And then the moment, you know, I open up and share my story, it's kind of like the floodgates open with everybody else. And I'm like, how did I not know this? We've been friends for how long? And it just gave me this idea that we always pretend like we're okay. It's like, how are you? I'm good. I'm great. Things are fine. And especially in the church on a Sunday morning, you know, and not that I was on staff. I was leading women's ministry locally at a church. And so it's not like when somebody asks me how I'm doing if I had a terrible morning. I can't really just like, you know, in the lobby because I'm working and all of that, but it's like we put on fronts and masks every day. And in church is sometimes the worst. Like, church, I love church, and I firmly believe you need to be. Belong to a community. But sometimes there, that's the hardest place to remove your mask and just say, like, this is it. Like, this is me. This is what's going on. And so I prayed about it, and I was like, lord, what do I. What do I do? How do I reconcile this in my head and in my heart and in the beginning of 2018. All like. I mean, the best I can explain it is he kind of just gave me this idea, this vision, I guess, for having an event that allowed women to share their stories. Why women? Because that's what I was working with. But I believe it's important for everybody. And so he gave me this platform because I was leading women's ministry at my church, and he gave me, you know, a place, and he gave me the women. And it was just really clear, like, let women share their stories. Stories. Give them a place to be able to glorify God through their broken pieces. And so that's what I did. I asked five or six, I can't remember, of my. Some of my closest friends and just said, will you share your story? Like, I know your story. Would you be willing to share it on a platform? And that was obviously scary for them. Most of them had never done it. I asked them to pray about it, and I just gave it to the Lord. And I was like, lord, if this is going to be too scary for women, like, I understand that. But either give them the boldness and the courage or shut this whole vision thing down that you've given me. Like, you know, you're just going to have to continue to open doors. And every single one of them said, yes, I. I want to do it. Like, this is. This is amazing. And so I just asked our worship pastor to. If you could put together a band from local worship worship pastors in our valley, put together a worship team. I had a friend of a friend come in and give a message, because that is something that we do every. Every conference. We don't just have stories. We also have a message to come in and give that. And really, the heartbeat of it is these stories. And so that happened. We sold out. The church was packed the first year, and the Lord just said, keep doing it. So I. So I did. So Every year since 2018, I've held a conference, and it's just grown and been absolutely incredible. It's different stories every single year. Different women, different walks, different seasons. And if there is a topic in the Bible that's addressed, we talk about it. I mean, there really is nothing that's off limits.

See, it sounds so fun. Nick, don't you want to go? I'm going to go.

Well, in Boise, Idaho is a great place to hang out. So I'd highly recommend that, you know, as you share about that, Ashley, what just kept coming to mind is how many times, like, when my wife and I have shared our story or I hear from people in group that share a story and how many times someone's response will be, you know, thank you for sharing, because I thought I was the only one. I thought that was just me. And I think that's going back to what you said earlier, that for a lot of us, there's voices in our heads, and whether it's from our trauma and our past or maybe there's even a word of the enemy there that's trying to hold us back or keep us down, that says, you're alone, no one else can relate. It's just you. And so when we have, with God's prompting, the courage to be bold and tell part of our story, it is speaking to that part of someone's life that thinks they're alone. And when we realize we're not and others are emboldened to tell their story, it's like, man, lives are changed, stuff happens, and we don't have to navigate all the outcomes of it. That that was one of the things I feel like God spoke to me very early in my recovery was saying, nick, if you'll be faithful to tell your story, I'll be faithful to use it. And it was helpful to me to think, okay, my role is to tell the story and to tell it well and wherever I can, whenever there's an opportunity and not try to manage well, how will people think? Are they going to walk away or want to know more, or will they start groups? Just whatever could be the possible outcomes. All that's in the Lord's hands. My role, Tell my story, and then let the Holy Spirit take it from there. And I think if we have that mindset, beautiful things happen. And I know the conference is a place women and maybe a few men like Trevor can come and be encouraged to start taking that step to not only hear other stories and go, I'm not alone. But then realize how they could begin to craft and share their stories as well.

Don't act like you don't want to come to the conference. Don't just throw me under the bus.

We live stream it too. So, I mean, no excuse.

Dumbo.

So tell us, Ashley, how can people connect with you? And the Stories Unveiled conference give us a little bit more information. Maybe on that practical side, if someone wants to learn more, know more, show up, what do they do?

Yeah. So we are on Facebook and Instagram. Stories Unveiled is the handle for both, And Stories Unveiled conference.com is the website. All the information is there. Our conference is every fall, so we have one coming up. Fall of 23. All of the details are on that website, which I believe will be in the show notes, so you can find out there. It does take place in Boise, Idaho, each and every year. However, we do live streams. So if you're not. Not here, if you can't make it, it's really easy and super cheap to buy a live stream ticket to be able to tune in that way live on the day of the event.

That's awesome. Okay, so let's. This has been great. Really. It really has. And it's funny. We've talked about sharing your story on so many different episodes, but each time we do, there's just more to talk about. It doesn't feel like there's an actual. Like the well's not running dry. And so I'm grateful for that.

That.

What final encouragements will we give people listening on the power of sharing their story? Why it's so important that we share our stories to each other.

You know, I was just gonna say, as. As Nick was talking, we don't share our stories for us, I mean, sometimes we do because, like, when you do that, it brings it out, you know, into the light a little bit more. But really, at the end of the day, at least, what I tell every woman that I come in contact with in coaching with their stories is we share stories to glorify God and for others. And I guess my encouragement would just be that if you think that your story is not worthy. Again, touching on what I was going to say, Nick, earlier, if you think your story is not worthy enough to be told, that's a lie that you're believing. Because I've had some really, really messy, hard stories. But I've also had some stories that, I mean, I had one woman say, well, I haven't really had trauma and I've lived kind of a hashtag blessed life. And, you know, she just had a laundry list of all of these amazing things that have happened to her. And she really hasn't experienced much of anything negative. But what she could talk about was God's provision and his protection and then the everyday things that she does struggle with, like being married to her job and, you know, busyness and, you know, comparison and some of these other things that maybe don't seem like they equal trauma or betrayal or these big, really hard, messy stories. But all stories are equally valid and equally important because somebody else is walking through that. Somebody else is walking through it always. And so just an encouragement that your story matters regardless of how much value you think it has.

I think a final encouragement I would give is as we've been talking about sharing your story, and I imagine many of our listeners are kind of thinking through their own story and where they might share it. And if, if you realize there's a lot of fear that rises up sometimes that's an opportunity to engage with. Where might there still be some shame around my story? That again, with safe people, in a safe group, even with a counselor, I could continue to process to get to that point where there is some safety around. I've walked this road and I know who I am and where God is at. Kind of the confidence that Ashley was expressing of, I'm not going to try to hide my story just to manage a reputation. I'm going to be real about what God's done in my life. If people take that the wrong way, they take it the wrong way. And if you're not anywhere near that point, again, it's okay to look inside and go. What might be some associated shame messages, rejection messages that are still driving my thinking more than I realize. Because when we start to think about sharing our story, that's where we'll get that feeling of, I could never share this. And rather than just ignoring that and moving on, ask yourself the question, well, why not? And what would I need to do to get to a point? I'd feel safe with that, and it just may be an invitation to continue doing some of your work.

I have so many different things. I think the two big ones are just that. Know that other people's healing and growth, there's. It can be contingent on your willingness to share your story, that there are things that they can experience by you sharing your story. And I was just thinking too, in my experience, and I've talked about this a lot on the show, that, that when I shared about my same sex experience that I had when I was a kid in my first Pure Desire group, when I shared that, what I've realized is that like God's healing and restoration is on the other side of sharing your story. When it comes to things like that, that I would have, if I had kept that secret, I never would have experienced those two guys looking at me and saying, me too, and feeling the shame just like drip off of me and feeling these people know the deepest, darkest secret that didn't run away. So I, I just would say that, that God's. The healing that God has for you can oftentimes be on the other side of you sharing your story or revealing that to, of course, safe people. Not everyone, but just know that there's healing for you too. There definitely is with that stuff. This was good. This was good. Ashley, we, we obviously we love you. We love having you on the show. This will not be the last time that we have you, but thanks for man the conversation. Thanks for what you're doing. With stories unveiled. We know that that running that is a labor of love for you, but sounds like it is successful and women are learning a lot about their own stories and how to better share it and experiencing healing. So thank you again for all the work you do and for being with us today.

Thank you. I always love partnering with you guys. It's great.

It's awesome. And wherever you're at on your journey, pure desire is here to help you take back your life from a wanted sexual behavior and betrayal trauma. If you or someone you know needs recovery and healing, go to PureDesire.org and begin the journey today. If you like this episode or a fan of the podcast, please share it with others and make sure to check out the full episode on YouTube as well. And lastly, never stop being healthy.

You.