333 - Making A Better Commitment to Change (REPLAY)

Welcome to the Pure Desire podcast, helping you take back your life from unwanted sexual behavior and betrayal trauma.

What's up, people?

I am your host, Trevor Windsor, and you're listening to episode 333 of the Pure Desire podcast. Here joining me, as always, is my co host, Nick Stumbo.

Get er done.

Is that get her done? It is. I'm blanking on his name right now. It's all right. The last episode, your intro, you blanked on a word. I'm blanking on him. But he's part of the Blue Collar Comedy tour, is he not?

He could be. I mean, I just. I think that's race. He plays material ubiquitous in our culture.

But is it the guy that played Mater in Cars? Is that who it is?

Get her done. Your expectations of me to recall the name of a comedian on the spot are very lofty, and I appreciate it.

Larry the cable Guy.

Larry the Guy.

Larry the Cable Guy.

That could be. Is he the originator of that phrase? I don't know.

I believe so.

Like I was saying, it's just become kind of a phrase that I. It's almost impossible to just say it without kind of putting on your best country, hillbilly, southern draw. You know, whatever comes to mind for you. You just. You have to kind of add some of that anytime you say it.

Yeah. Get er done. Okay, so tie it in, because today we're doing another re airing of an oldie but goodie episode. We don't want people to miss some of these really good conversations that we've had, so we' wanted to bring some of them back around. And today's episode is our time with our associate director of women's groups, Ashley Jamison, on making a better commitment to change.

Well, first, I would say it's one of the shorter intros that I've done because it's also one of the shortest podcasts we've ever done. So for some people, they may appreciate that that's unlike us. And Ashley for others. I know when I saw the length of it, I'm like, there is no way we got through this content. But we did. We actually Give people today 8 different suggestions on how they can improve their commitment to change. And that's what I love about this episode, is whether you're in a recovery group for those who struggled or you walking through a betrayal group and dealing with trauma, sooner or later, we all learn about this commitment to change that helps us figure out how to focus a week at a time on what is most important to work on this week. And we've just seen a lot of ways that commitments to change are unhelpful because people don't follow some of the principles that we're going to give in this episode. And so the hope is, as you process the ways that you make a commitment to change and you incorporate some of these eight ideas that will help you get her done when it comes to the things that you're working on in your life. To change, to grow, to heal. Because when we do a commitment to change, well, as we talk about in the episode today, it really is one of the most important tools that we utilize on our recovery journey.

Yeah, absolutely. And our time with Ashley is always great. We always love having her on the show. A couple things before we get into it. Subscribe to the podcast. We're on all the major platforms. You can follow us on social mediauredesirepdmi. I don't know, maybe share this with someone who is in your group who struggles with setting a commandment to change. That's a pretty good idea, I think. And with that, let's get into it. Here's our time with Ashley Jamison on making a better commitment to change. Ashley Jamison, thanks for being here. Ashley.

Hi. Glad to be here.

Her intros are very boring. And we are going to move forward. We're going to spend some time today talking about one of our weekly group tools, the commitment to change. We've had an episode on it before, but today we want to talk about it again. This can be a really helpful and motivating tool on our journey to sexual integrity. But really, a lot of people when trying to use this tool, ask the question, how do I get the most out of this tool? What makes a good commitment to change? And so we're going to talk through eight ways how to make your commitment to change better.

Yeah. And I'm excited about the episode because I think for me, the commitment to change really was one of the difference makers in my journey because rather than meeting with a group, because I'd had group experiences before, I'd had authenticity. But when it was like, okay, what are you gonna do this week? Essentially, my answer was always, well, try hard or not to do it. And the commitment to change really takes you from trying harder to being specific to actually work on something and create, week in and week out, long term change. And so one appeal would be to any listener that has maybe just looked down on the commitment to change or felt like, oh, I don't need that. I really hope that you will take this tool seriously. And you'll see the ways in which this can be a critical element of long term lasting change in your life. And I'm excited we're going to cover some of these things.

Alright, well let's jump into this. The first way to make your commitment to change better is to be specific. Ashley, can you talk about that?

Yes. So often when I would be trying to make goals or like Nick said, you kind of are just like, I need to do better, I need to try harder. So some of the non specific examples would be I need to get more sleep, I need to eat better, I need to be more relational. And instead of having goals like that, you can specify it so that it's actually something you can, you can actually hit that small realistic goal. So instead of saying get more sleep, maybe say I'm going to be in bed by 10. Instead of saying eat better, you might want to say I'm going to eat veggies twice today. Instead of saying be more relational, you might want to say on Wednesday I'm going to schedule a coffee date with my friend. So that it's specific so you know what day, what time and how you're going to get to that goal.

Yeah, and I've heard Bob Vandermeer, one of our counselors talk about this and I really appreciate his perspective because he's talked about that idea of it being realistic that someone might say, they might be specific, say I'm going to get up every day this week and do devotions at 5am for an hour. And he'll ask that follow up question, like, well, how much are you doing right now? Like, well, none. Well, what time do you usually get up? About 8:30. Okay, is it realistic that in one week you're going to go to getting up three and a half hours earlier and increase that time of devotions by an hour? Maybe let's just set something a little more realistic for you. And I think a question that I will often ask of myself or people in group is to say, how will you know if you are accomplishing your commitment to change? Like if you report back on a phone call or at our group, how will you measure it? And if they can't really answer that, it's like, well, you need to work to be a little more specific. Because if, if it's to get closer to God, well, how will you know? Is it the amount of time you've spent? Is it the frequency? Is it going to see a mentor? So some of those questions of is it realistic? Like where am I at now versus how much am I trying to do in one week? And that other side of how will I know can be really helpful to making sure it's specific enough to work for you.

I struggle with like sometimes it's obviously, you know, your commitment to change for that week could be I want to read the Bible and that's totally fine. But for me, if I'm not specific on reading what and when and for how, how long, I tend to even that first time sit down to read the Bible and like, meh, I don't know where I should start. And then I'm like, I would rather watch Netflix right now. And then I just move on.

I'll figure this out later.

Right. Where it's like if I have helped myself by creating something that's specific for me that week, then it's a lot easier to start that actual action at the same time.

Yeah, for sure. So the second tip for making a better commitment to change is to avoid the one off Trevor. What do we mean by that?

So here's just an example of a commitment to change. So I've got a big meeting on Thursday, so I'm going to commit to going to bed early or on time on Wednesday. And I think that that's just like a one time thing. And that's not maybe that is something that's going to help you on Thursday or maybe is going to help you with that meeting. But is that going to bring about actual change and health for you that week? And that's not something that's creating a pattern. That's just making sure you don't forget one thing. And understanding the commitment to is not just how can I accomplish the one thing I want to get done, it's how do I establish those patterns in my life that will continue on instead of saying I'm going to do this one thing, look after group, maybe you leave group and you do that one thing and then the rest of the week you have nothing you're focused on. There's no change you're really working toward. Really what it does is it sets you up to start creating habits and patterns in your life rather than just accomplishing the one thing you want.

Yeah, and we're going to talk about this a little more in the episode, but it's kind of separating out a commitment to change from just a goal or something you hope to accomplish. Like you were saying that we really want to connect it to what's the change I'm trying to bring about in my life and why. And so I Think there are occasions where you might have a very specific one time activity, but it'll be connected to a much larger change. Like if the larger change is that I'm trying to develop stronger relationships like with friends, then maybe your goal is about getting together with friends on a certain night of the week. But because it's connected to that bigger goal of relationships and growth, it makes a lot more sense than just, oh, I'm trying to, you know, clean the garage this weekend. Well, we all make little goals like that. It's good to have accountability, but we really want to make sure it's connected to the greater changes that we're working on as a whole.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, that's good. Well, if our third way to make our commitment to change better is to report during each phone call, what does that look like for you, Nick? How would you share some insight on that?

Yeah, I think this is an important one because we do have a tendency to forget or to kind of lose sight of what we're working on. I mean, I know I've had weeks. If I don't make those phone calls and report on my commitment to change, I can finish the group, close my books, like, yeah, that was a great group, had a great week. And then maybe I don't think about it again until the night before when I'm doing my homework for the next group.

Been there, done that.

I totally forgot my commitment to change and I've done nothing. And now I feel some guilt and I don't want to have to talk about that. So the value of those weekly phone calls, and again for us at Pure Desire, it's to make three phone calls a week that during those calls, to start out by saying my commitment to change this week was because first you're reminding yourself what it was and then saying, here's the progress I've made or maybe it's the lack thereof. And even if you're reporting I've made no progress, there's great value that you've reminded yourself what you're working on and that you want to do it. And so I encourage that. When you make your weekly phone calls, just report where you're at on your commitment to change and don't wait to make the phone call until you have progress to report. Because there are so many weeks when it's the phone call that gets me on track, that say, hey, the commitment to change I made this week is to be more consistent with my bedtime. And I've not done that at all yet. I've been Staying up way too late. But because I'm calling you today, I remember it, and I'm really committed tonight. Here's my plan, and ask me at group this week how that went. So that phone call feature just really makes you more aware and cognizant of what you're working on, keeping it in the forefront of your thoughts.

And I think, too, the change that you hear from other people, that when they report on what they're doing, that's encouraging. I mean, hearing someone who, you know, one of the ones recently in group was going through a really, really tough time and praying before you go to bed each night or having the 30 minutes before you go to sleep of no technology, when you hear that. There are times where I feel challenged, like, hey, I should try that. I'm see, you know, through this group member telling me how it's successful and how it's helping him. It's like, okay, maybe that's something that I should work on or try. And maybe it's not my commitment to change the next week, but it's still something I want to try to implement into my life. And so you can get that encouragement, too. Whether it's a motivation for you to continue the one that you made for the week or it's just trying new things, I think it can be pretty helpful.

Yeah, I totally agree with that.

So the fourth way to make a commitment to change better, and I think that we tend to do this with a lot of things is don't compare. What do we mean here?

Ooh.

Well, there's so many different ways you can compare. I mean, if I'm working on my health goals and I am really slacking right now this winter, then I could look at somebody like Nick who might be a fancy marathon runner and want to make some huge goal, when really it might just be, I need to walk to the mailbox each day and make sure that I'm actually getting outside to start the motion. Could be, you know, you have somebody in group who has sex with their spouse five times a week, and your goal is just to not shudder when your spouse kisses you or to say, I love you, or just to make one baby step in intimacy and just to not just to only do your goal for yourself. What's your next baby step in the right direction for health for you, regardless of what everybody else around you is doing.

Yeah, it's so valuable because we have to remember every person's journey is different, and the speed of their journey will be different. The season of their life is different. Their family origin and the trauma they're dealing with is different. And so you cannot expect to compare what you're doing to someone else because it will either give you a sense of false pride where you're like, oh, look how much I've accomplished, when really maybe you're not pressing enough into your own healing, or it gives you a false sense of not being good enough because you're not able to do what someone else is doing. So it's really just that commitment to look at where am I at right now in my life and being content that that's where God wants to meet me. He doesn't expect me to be 10 miles further down the road or he's not super excited that I'm so far ahead of everyone else. He's with me right here, right now and wanting me to take the next step in my journey. And so I think of it just as a commitment to, yes, let other people encourage me, let them challenge me, let them help give ideas, listen to their story, to see what I might do, but not get discouraged by my lack of progress or overconfident by. By the progress I have made.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. I would also say, too, not to be judgmental of others whose commitment maybe, you know, don't look like yours. It might be something simple. And it's like, is that all you're going to do? Anything else? You know, but that might be where they need to start. Yeah.

Okay, so our fifth tip to making a better commitment to change is don't be afraid to repeat. This might sound a little odd because we just said avoid the one off, but why would we say don't be afraid to repeat? Trevor, what are we talking about here?

Yeah, I think one of the things that. And maybe this is just my personality, but I oftentimes think like, okay, what's the new thing I need to work on this week? What's the next thing? What's the next step in my health? And what I found is that sometimes there's gonna be a 2, 3, 4, 5 week span where I'm working on the same thing. And again, kind of going back to the, not comparing, even if it's a small thing, continuing to do that. You're creating patterns. So for me, the last couple weeks have been keeping a limbic journal. And I just decided again last night in group, that's what I'm going to continue to do. And the more that I do this, actually, so, like writing down when I go limbic, I'm not just doing that this week. I'm building on top of the previous week, where now I'm starting to journal about the connections I see between those responses. So something like that can really create momentum and you can build on top of it and so not. Just don't be afraid to repeat those. And if your group members look at you and like, really, you're doing that again, look, you know what you need for health, and you know that if it's working for you and you want to continue moving forward in this certain habit or pattern, then go for it.

Yeah. I had an example of this a couple of months ago in my group, actually, where my commitment to change was to spend a few moments in the middle of the day doing what I call centering prayer, just kind of coming back to God, committing my day to him again. And that week I only remembered to do it, like two or three times. And. But it was so good when I did. So the next week at group, I was like, I feel like I just kind of opened the door to something that could be very good to me.

And.

And I don't mean to say that's going to be my new pattern for the rest of my life, but I said I want to do that again because I feel like I could build on it. And so as an example, in one of the weeks, I said, now I'm going to try to do it a couple of times, once in the middle of the day and once right before I go home, just to kind of reset my mind that now I'm leaving work and I'm going to be a dad and a husband. And so that's another example where maybe it's not exactly the same, but you feel like you just got started and you want to build on something. And so over a course of weeks, you're seeing it have more and more effect in your life, and so don't feel like you have to change to a new thing, just like you said, because it's always got to be new.

Yeah.

Number six, be holistic. Nick, what does that mean?

Well, it's a great idea because it's kind of the counterbalance to what we just said in number five. Well, on the one hand, we don't want to be afraid to repeat a commitment and build on it. On the other hand, we want to be aware if our commitment is always the same thing and always in what I would call the same arena of life. You know, we live our life in the arenas of the physical, the mental, relational, emotional, and what we call spiritual. And even though all life is Spiritual, generally, we mean our commitment to God, to church, to our faith. And if we're making our commitment in the same one every week, like, I think the most common is a man or woman who's saying, well, this week I'm going to read my Bible more. And it's been the same every week for like eight weeks. And now it's not just that they're not afraid to repeat. It's they're kind of stuck in the same area. And we need to find out either why are they not growing in that area, or have they just limited themselves and they need to think about what could I be working on physically, what do I work on relationally, what do I work on mentally? So really kind of track yourself. And if you realize week in and week out, my commitments are always the same thing or in that same general arena, like, one week it's the Bible. One week it's prayer. One week it's my church commitment. Your life is more than just that one aspect, and your healing is more than just that one aspect. And the more that we include all the parts of our life and we grow holistically, that's where our change, I think, really sticks and lasts. Because now it's not just that one area, but it's everything working together.

That's one of the things I think I learned really, really quickly in group, especially now, being a couple times in, I realized that it's not just the tools that I have in place that help me to maintain sobriety. It's also like, am I getting enough sleep? Am I eating right? Am I exercising regularly? Am I engaging with my wife on an emotional level? On a spiritual, like, there's just so many different things that cater to or really enhance our holistic health. And I think that when you're just focused on one specific area with your commitment to change, you tend to pigeonhole yourself. And maybe you get really, really healthy in that one area, but then the rest of them are lacking. And so if you're able to really broaden the scope into what you want to work on in all these different areas, you're going to find it that you're going to have more holistic health.

Yeah. And I think by having a variety in your commitment to change, it keeps you from getting stuck in any false belief or any modes of trying harder. Whereas if you're always wanting to read your Bible or always wanting to eat better, then it could be that you're starting to believe. If I just ate better and looked better and my body was better, that would fix it. Or if I just became more spiritual, then my problems would go away. It really could be an indicator that you're trying harder in one area instead of checking your motivation. Where if I know I'm allergic to certain foods and I eat them and they make me feel bad and then I'm irritable, that's a good motivation. But if I'm saying I want my diet to be healthy because in my mind I'm thinking if I was skinnier and prettier than my husband would like me more or I'd attract more people, then you got to really recognize what that motivation is behind your commitment.

Yeah, our problems and addictions are complex and multilayered. And so our healing and the solution needs to also be multilayered so that we can really address all the places of our brokenness.

Yeah, it's good. Alright guys, we're gonna move on to tip number seven. And this one is to attach your commitment to change to your homework and faster scale.

Yeah, I think that this one actually would help with that holistic piece because then you're allowing God to really reveal things through the homework and through your week. And you know, when you're looking at your faster scale and like Nick said, if you're seeing it's, you know, maybe you're struggling with all physical things this, this week, you're not getting enough sleep, you're preoccupied with tv, maybe it is spiritual that you've just been checked out of church and the Bible. And so by looking at your faster scale, by recognizing anything that pops up through your homework because you're in there digging up really painful things and talking about a lot of different issues that could actually trigger you to want to respond in a certain way. So as you recognize that going through the homework and the faster scale, make your commitment to change about that so that it does lead you on course towards healing and it's not just another goal to reach this week on your calendar.

Yeah, I think when we identify what's driving us down the faster scale, or in particular, what's that double bind that we're dealing with, that really becomes the motivation to say, oh, well, what do I need to work on there? So, for example, if what I identify as driving me down the faster scale is feeling unappreciated and that's what's moved me into ticked off and exhausted. And then I really can ask myself the question, what could I do this week to stay in a place where I feel appreciated and realizing that maybe I've put unrealistic expectations on others to make me feel appreciated. Where I find that appreciation really first with God and who he made me to be. And so I might do something for a commitment that would be like each morning, take a minute or two to reflect on God's love for me and how he gave his life. Because then I feel valuable and worth and I don't expect other people to make me feel valuable. So that's just an example of how my commitment to change is directly connected to what was happening the week before in my faster scale or the other thing we'll do. I'll just say real quick. In most of the groups I've led, we actually don't fill out our commitment to change until the end of the group because very often as you go through the homework and in particular when you hear other people share their answers, it just sparks so many new thoughts and ideas. Like, well, I've never thought, I've never thought of the way I listened to this lie. And now your commitment to change connects directly to what you've just learned and you're trying to implement it in your life. I think that becomes so valuable.

Yeah. And I think too, like we just finished this week, we finished pillar four in seven pillars. And part of it is identifying patterns that you see with the sexual and non sexual behaviors that you do that have harmed people. And I think that one of the things I've seen just in my group, I've seen that there's definitely a time where when you finish that week's conversation and you've done all that work, you really don't want to focus on it anymore. You're like, okay, that was really difficult and painful and I kind of feel ashamed. I mean, one of the things that was mentioned last night is I feel shame because of the patterns that I see. I'm finally identifying this is who I really am and this is the way I live my life. I think that if you tie your commitment to change to those, you're going to see more, really more come out of that. You're spending an additional week on that stuff because there's a lot of stuff in the resources and they're paced really well. But sometimes we tend to just move on to the next thing and don't think about what we did the week before. And I think that for me, as I'm even. It's funny, Nick, you say you get sparked with a commitment to change. I just got sparked by your idea. Maybe I should spend some more time on those patterns. Maybe I should spend More time on those patterns. And really that can only happen if you do tie it to homework and to your faster scale.

Well, that's why it's so important to. As the international groups coordinator, I just get so heartbroken when I hear that group leaders and groups are running using the workbook without the journal because the journal has the commitment to change and the faster scale. And so if you're just spending your week looking at all these hard parts of your life, but then you don't have the journal to put feet to your recovery, it's not going to be the same for you. And so the journal is so important with these tools.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, this is so good. We've got one more tip. So our final one for today, how to make your commitment to change better, is to identify the challenge to your weekly sobriety. Ashley, what do we mean by that?

Yeah, looking ahead at what your week's going to look like and being able to be proactive about your recovery is huge. So for this week, I'll be down in Portland at the women's conference. And that means my husband has my crazy driving the kids around schedule and he'll be home alone. So he's going to be looking at his week going forward and saying, okay, I'm home alone. I'm on full time parent duty. I'm going to have the TV access. My wife's gone. So he may want to look at his commitment to change and make his commitment to change so that he prevents falling into relapse. And then same with me, when I'm going out of town for the week, I can tend to get really consumed with forgetting priorities and overworking and end up snuggling with my computer in bed instead of my husband. And then I'm feeling detached from him. And so you can just let your week get out of control. So when you can take the time to look at the week going forward and realizing, do I have in laws coming into town? Is that going to be a trigger? Is my spouse going out of town? Will I be out of town? Am I home alone? Anything that could potentially send you down the faster scale, you can look at that ahead and make proactive steps.

And that's the thing too is because putting together a plan is always so much better than living like a reactive week where depending on what happens, I will respond in the moment and being intentional. And man, I mean, this is just my personality. I really, I like to know what's coming. But I also like that spontaneity. And so sometimes I Talk myself out of planning. I want to almost be surprised that I have meetings or different things that come up, which is foolish and I need to work on it. But I think that one of the things with that is it makes me more reactive. And if I can look at my week and my wife does a great job of this is on Sunday night, she just looks at the week ahead and starts to make some mental checklists and some plans. And I think that that can be super, super helpful when you're doing your commitment to change. Because if you know you've got a really challenging meeting on Wednesday or you're gonna be with your in laws on Friday and you know that's gonna be tough, you can make plans or cater that commitment to change to those specific places you'll find yourself in and be able to walk out feeling like you were successful in those because you already did the prep and put in the work beforehand.

Yeah, this is really all about self awareness. You know, that's the great thing about being in a group is you become aware of your patterns. And so sometimes I'll ask the question this way. I'll say, if I was going to relapse this week, when is it most likely to happen? Yeah, that doesn't mean you're going to relapse or you need to, but you've got enough self awareness that just like you guys have been sharing, you can look ahead and see. You know, it would probably happen on Friday because Thursday is a crazy busy day and there's that letdown of emotion and energy. It probably would be Friday or I've got to see my in laws and it's usually the next day or we see our pattern and if we know, oh, that's the place I'm most vulnerable, then that's where I can make a commitment to change. So I go into that with a lot more forethought and preparation, which becomes the very thing that really keeps me healthy and avoids relapse. So that may be a question that could help some of our listeners. When you're trying to think I don't know what to do for a commitment to change is just to say, okay, let's be honest here. If I was going to relapse this week, where is it most likely to happen? And then just wrap your commitment to change around that, that time of your.

Week, like a nice warm blanket.

Sure.

So I think you guys would agree with me, the longer that I'm in recovery, the more powerful this tool, the commitment to change is. It forces really, it forces us to think through how to live intentionally in the weekly to come. And for you, listener, we just hope that these eight tips are stuff that you feel like you can implement right away. I know these are things I can do to make my commitment to change better each week. And really, the whole point of this is that we're moving forward in recovery. We're establishing patterns and habits that push us toward health, which is what we all want. So we'll have the commitment to change attached in the show notes. Use this tool. It helps even if you're not in group. This is a helpful tool as you proactively live your life. So, Nick, Ashley, you guys are awesome. Thanks for your time.

Yeah, thank you.