338 - 'Tis The Season: Attainable Goals

Welcome to the Pure Desire Podcast, helping you take back your life from unwanted sexual behavior and betrayal trauma. Good morning, good afternoon, good night, whatever time it is for you. I am your host, Trevor Windsor, and you're listening to episode 338 of the Pure Desire Podcast. Here joining me as always, is my co host, Nick Stumbo.

Let's go cracking. I like it. Let's go cracking. I like it.

That's the Seattle team.

Yes, Seattle.

NHL. Yeah. I've never been to a game, but you have talked about your daughter loving. And so you've been into hockey more than. Right.

Strangest thing. Yes. Because I grew up, like, my apologies to all the Canadians that listen because probably most of them are huge hockey fans, but I grew up literally despising hockey because on SportsCenter, hockey runs from, like, October to June. And I'd be on Sports center as a teenager waiting for those baseball highlights for NBA or, you know, NFL, the sports I cared about. And it'd be like, hockey. And there's that Barry Melrose guy. They're always interviewing more hockey. And I just like, who cares about.

The perpetual greasy hair Barry?

But then just a couple of years ago, for whatever reason, one of my girls really got into hockey. She's gotten into the Seattle Kraken, who are a new team.

And.

And I have to say, she's gotten me into hockey. Last year, they had a run in the playoffs. It was very exciting. Both series went to game seven. So anyway, yeah, now I'm kind of, like, into hockey. And it's the middle of hockey season right now, and hopefully when this comes out, the Kraken are doing well. And, yeah, we have fun kind of following that in our home these days.

This is kind of an interesting bit of information, but growing up, I was a huge hockey fan, really growing up in Portland. We had the Portland Winterhawks, which then meant you liked the Chicago Blackhawks because they're basically the same team, the same level and everything. But I became, for whatever reason, and I know you make fun of me about being fans of, you know, teams that are not from my state, but we don't have baseball, we don't have football, we don't have NHL here, but I became a Detroit Red Wings fan. And like, Sergey Fedorov, Steve Iserman, all those guys. And Justin, our producer, is from Detroit, and so we've bonded over that a little bit. But I will say this. I went to a. I was in North Carolina last year and went to a Hurricanes playoff game against the Rangers. It was the craziest experience. And I've told you this, I literally started crying. I was so overwhelmed by how loud and fun and energetic it was. I just lost it.

Yeah, it's an exciting experience. And they've got, you know that intro, the song they sing after they score a goal. And in hockey they score a lot of goals. They sing it along with a Seattle based band rock song, and you learn the right spot to cheer.

Let's go crash. That's awesome.

Yeah. And it's the whole crowd just doing it. So it's pretty fun environment.

So you're already transitioning us into what we talked about today. We had Tyler Chinson, our clinical director on, and we're in our TIS the Season series and this is the last episode for 2023, and we talked about attainable goals.

Yeah, we're wrapping it up. So we're making goals. You know, we're trying to figure out in the new year, how am I gonna put the puck in the net consistently and, and feel like, okay, I'm making progress. And I think that was really the focus of our conversation today is how do we make goal setting perhaps different than it has been in the past? Because I think all of us have probably had the experience of January 1st. We wake up and we've got some huge, lofty goal and this is going to be the year and it's all going to be different. And by February 13th or whenever, we can't even remember what it was because it wasn't realistic, it wasn't attainable, we didn't have a good plan. And so for the few of you out there, like, no, I never do that. You know, I set a goal January 1st and every year I accomplish it. I'll be honest, this probably isn't your podcast this week. Yeah. And let us know, we'll interview you next time. But I think Tyler just gives us some great ideas. You know, he's a man of few words, but when he speaks, he gives wisdom and things that we could really build a sustainable plan around. How could goals help me in. In my recovery journey? And that's what today is all about.

Yeah, it was a great time with Tyler. Before we get to it, subscribe to the podcast. We're on all the major platforms. Also, follow us on social media. Your DesirePDMI. And with that, let's get to our final episode in our TIS the Season series on attainable goals during the holidays. Tyler Chinson, welcome back, man. Good to see you.

Thank you, Trevor. Good to be here, my friend.

Yes. This is just one of those times where I'm like, glad that people don't. But I almost wish people knew what we talked about before we got on to do the podcast was thrown around.

A little bit that was random and circling for today.

The consistency of rutabaga. Anyways, okay, now you're telling people exactly.

What we talked about, so I'm just.

Giving them a glimpse.

You wouldn't even need to play the recording glimpse.

It's just a gift for you. All right, well, the holiday season is winding down, and as we get into this time of year, it happens all the time. We start to shift our focus from the year we're into the upcoming year. And as we're coming off of man a potentially stressful. Right this whole series, we're hoping that these conversations are helping you thrive in this season, not just survive, but there are stressors that come in this time of season. We always tend to look for ways to improve our life based on what we've just experienced. So today we're gonna talk about how to create attainable goals. Not just goals, but attainable goals, how to set them for ourselves, how to make them successful. So we're just gonna jump in. Tyler, as I was already mentioning, what is it about this time of year that gets everybody thinking about New Year's resolutions, new goals, and why is it so concentrated to this time of year?

Yeah, that's a good question, Trevor. Often it's about a fresh start. I mean, and a reset, perhaps even a new beginning. So I think that's why the end of the year, sort of closing the books on this year and looking forward to next. We often reflect back on last year and the things that went well, the challenges, perhaps, and then what we could do differently in the upcoming year. And so it's natural to evaluate where we've been and where we'd like to go. So with the new year, we have that opportunity. I believe that's the correlation.

And I think there's a reality that for a lot of people, the holidays are not always a time of great health. So maybe they haven't been listening to our podcast and getting some some tips, but I think there are some rhythms that many of us fall prey to, where we've maybe not made great food choices, we've had relational issues with in laws or family members or our spouses because of holiday stressors. And so we're feeling relational pains or maybe we've not managed our money well and how we spent around Christmas or gift buying or, you know, Black Friday gift buying for ourselves. And so a little bit of it is the that binge purge mentality of I've gone through a season of binge and now it's time to purge. And I think that's exactly why we're doing this episode, is to think through the desire to get things right, to make up for poor choices I've maybe made over the last couple of months is not a bad desire. But if we don't make those changes or those goals in a way that really have maybe some healthy structure to them, it does become just part of, like a binge purge cycle. Like, okay, now I spend no money, but I don't actually change my habits. And so then I'm back and I overspend and don't spend or, you know, food. I'm really super healthy for a month, but then I'm back and I'm unhealthy. And I think that's what a lot of us have fallen into. But what could we do this year that we're not just going to have more of the same and then a month later be in the same place down the road, but something really will be different in our lives. We'll be moving towards consistent, sustained change. So that's just what came to mind for me is, boy, maybe a lot of us have felt there's something in our life that's unhealthy because of all the stuff that happens at the end of the year that we want to look constructively at. How do I make this change in a way that lasts?

You know, something in the reading I've been doing this last year about, you know, goals, habits, a lot of it has to do with context, like how you like the context around you, the environment that you're in. And this time of year, there are so many people who are focused on these New Year's resolutions and these goals. And so it seems easier to come up with your own, because contextually, you're not the only one. You don't feel like you're the only one walking uphill trying to create those good habits or maybe counteract the bad decisions we've made over the. You know, really, because it feels like it's downhill from Thanksgiving. Like, once you get to that Thanksgiving kind of break off of school, and then, you know, you overeat, and then that just kind of starts the cycle. But I think that that's what it is too, is knowing how many people are also in this frame of mind helps us very easily slip into that. And so I think that's also Part of the whole equation.

So, Tyler, you've gotten to work with a lot of individuals and couples that are, you know, working to set things right in their life, have seen probably a lot of different versions of people doing goal setting, whether it's at the start of a new year or just, you know, kind of a new season in life. When setting goals, what are the mistakes or pitfalls that you've commonly seen people fall into?

Nick? I would say the number one pitfall is setting a goal that's too big to accomplish.

Yeah, right.

And also expecting the desired results quickly. Yeah, that can be a challenging recipe. Goal setting must be realistic. You touched upon this. To accomplish most goals requires consistency, perseverance, and time. No matter what that goal is, it's going to take some time. And there's often no quick fix, you know, unless you set your goal out 20 minutes from now. So I would say just being, just being too, too big, going too fast, too furious.

Do you have some examples of ones that you think commonly come up, like in the counseling office? I mean, obviously we're not looking for any specific story. Protect all confidentiality. But I guess what I'm asking is like, thematically, do you hear some tendencies we have? What are those examples where people are really thinking too big and they maybe need to go more to a bite size goal?

I will never watch pornography again, nor will I ever masturbate again. And that's the, the goal from the get go for a lot of guys. And I, you know, that is the goal. It is the desire for the family system. Him and his wife, if he is in fact married. I'm not sure that's realistic. That feels like a big goal. And in time you can grow to accomplish that goal. But right out of the shoot, that's a tough one. Again, it's. This is not giving a green light to act out.

No, but you're looking at the history. Like if you're coming into a counseling setting or your first group and you've been watching pornography for 20 years, multiple times a week, masturbating multiple times a week, cheating on your spouse, however many times, you're not just gonna turn on a dime like, okay, I'm done, I'm never gonna do it again. And look, if the Lord has done that for you, praise the Lord, you are the one person on the planet who's experienced that. But for so many of us, it has to take those consistent decisions over time to change something like that. And so that's what you're talking about, is that Assumption that I can just make a statement and all of a sudden it will be so. And it's like, well, no, the patterns in your brain, bro, you don't even think about it. And that's, you know, that's the thing about habit building anyway, and setting goals and accomplishing them is you're creating new neural pathways in your brain. You're creating new, like, patterns of thinking and patterns of action which take doing it over and over and over again. Which is probably what got you here in the counseling setting in the first place, you know?

Yeah. If. I mean, if I counter that a little bit, I think I would put it this way to explain it, because I think it is possible to turn on a dime and not act out again. But how I would say it is, it's not usually because we set the goal. I never am going to act out again.

Good clarification.

It's because they set smaller goals. Like, I'm going to go to group every week, or I'm going to make my recovery my number one priority. I'm going to focus on my commitment to change this week. I'm going to make all my phone calls this week, or I'm going to call three people today. It's kind of that daily goal setting of what do I need to do right now that can move someone. Because we do have a lot of stories of people who entered into a peer desire group or counseling and didn't experience relapse along the way. So they, in a sense, have accomplished that goal of, I'm never going to look at pornography again. But I would bet most of those people, that wasn't their stated goal. That might have been the vision that they were pursuing, but their goals became, I'm going to do whatever it takes right now, today, to get through today without pornography, and then I'm going to get up tomorrow and I'm going to set goals about what it takes tomorrow to live without pornography. And over time, they move towards that vision. Yeah, I was thinking some of the same things, what you said there, Tyler. I think we set goals that are unrealistic in terms of our ability to accomplish them. We've talked on this podcast before about someone who currently doesn't exercise at all has this goal of, I'm going to exercise four hours a day and I'm going to run four marathons and do the Ironman and. Well, I mean, that's a lofty idea, but if you don't actually have the ability to do that, you're going to get discouraged quickly. I think another problem I see with goal setting is we try to do too much all at once. So we have goals for our health and our mental health and for sleep and for time with our kids and being more productive at work and on and on and on. And maybe for a few days we're pretty focused, but over time, we didn't think through. This isn't a sustainable strategy that I can live out month in and month out. And so then when one of those goals isn't being focused on, we can fall into the all or none thinking of, like, well, I messed up on my goals. Now I'm just not pursuing any of them. So, you know, that's what I've seen is people trying to do too much all at the same time.

So let's lean into that a little bit then. So we know this by, like, February, people are bailing out on the goals that they've set for the year. And that's a pretty regular thing. And I think, at least I see this, that people tend to minimize that impact of not accomplishing a goal or bowing out on a goal really, really early in the process. But what are. Let's explore that. What are the detrimental effects of setting goals and then not following through, not accomplishing them? What does that do to us?

Well, within the PD community, we're very familiar with the term limpic lie. And oftentimes that's a false truth about us, who we are, our identity, where we fit in. And those limbic lies often are early in life. And they could suggest that I'm not good enough. I don't have what it takes. Failure is inevitable. And so when we come up short on goals, some of those limbic lies can surface again and be reinforced. And I think that's just an opening for the adversary to step in.

Yep. Yeah, I know. I just. I think for me, like, it's. I'm. I'm not enough. I'm not good enough, you know, and that's talking about the limbic lies. It doesn't matter how well I do, I'll never be good enough as a limbic lie that I've, you know, I've had since I was a kid. And so for me, if I set a goal and I don't accomplish it, like, that thought creeps in very, very quick. It's as if it's standing outside the line just waiting for the opening. And as soon as I fail, it's like, o, see, here I come back in. Remember, this is who we are. This is, you know, we can't do hard things. But then also there's a level of disappointment. And I think that especially someone on the recovery journey, that disappointment is often one of the feelings we're trying to avoid with the behavior in the first place. Like, that's why I go to pornography, that's why I go to sexually acting out is because I don't want to feel the discomfort. And I know for me in my journey, that was definitely part of it. It wasn't just that I was addicted to pornography and I kept going back to it. It was that I knew it was wrong and I couldn't break free. That just reinforced the shame. And that cycle just perpetuated over and over and over again. And I think that setting goals and not accomplishing them sets us up for that pattern pretty quick.

When I mentioned that all or none way of thinking. And I think that's what we can fall into, especially if we have goals that are very numeric based or streak based, or they're all about the accomplishment of the goal. Because then if we fall off of the streak or we are falling behind on the potential accomplishment, then it's just like, well, I just give up. I'm not going to do it. And then we realize maybe that was the wrong goal because I was focused on the streak versus what it was doing in my life. So as so many people experience, if their goal is I'm going to go to the gym every day and then they miss a day, it's like, well, there went that goal. Or I'm going to save X amount of dollars every month. And if they're a month behind, like, well, now it's impossible total or I'm going to lose X amount of pounds every single month and you get a month behind. And again, the impossibility of keeping to your street can be what's discouraging. And I say that especially because I know a lot of people listening to this podcast, male and female, can be very driven by performance, by accomplishment, finding their value in that sense of I did something well and I'm achieving and people are proud of me for what I'm doing. And there is a mindset shift, I think, that has to go on, away from the numbers and the accomplishment and the performance, towards what is the desired outcome, you know, and so one of my goals this year, at the time of recording, maybe I'll have caught up. But at the time we're recording, I mean, when this comes out, maybe I'll have caught up, but when we're recording it, I'm about a month behind on reading the chronological Bible in a year. And if my goal was simply, I'm going to read the Bible every day and get through it in a year, I would have given up a couple of months ago when I started to have some busy seasons and just got behind. But for me, it's still been my annual goal, and it's been very beneficial because my goal is really just, I want to prioritize reading through the chronological Bible, and if I can do it in a year, great. But it wasn't just about the accomplishment of it. It was knowing I wanted to make that my focus. I wanted to set that time aside. And so I would look at that and say, you know, if I do get to the end of a year and I only got 11 of the 12 months, was it a failure? It's like, well, that means 335 days I did read and I made progress. Well, those were great days. And then maybe there was 30 that I fell behind. Okay, well, I can live with that.

Yeah.

Versus if I just got to April and gave up. And then there were a lot of days I just had no plan that probably would have worked against me. So I think what's detrimental is when we get into that mindset, that's all or none, performance driven. It's more about the accomplishment than what it's producing in my life. That really can lead to discouragement and like you guys have said, reinforce some of those negative messages of I'm never good enough, I can't finish things, I'm a failure, I'm a loser. You know, whatever. Maybe core messages we've dealt with because of our past trauma, trying to do a good thing can actually trigger those very negative messages.

Totally.

So, Tyler, as we think about that, the possible downsides of goal setting and people are maybe wondering, I thought this episode was about how to set goals. So let's talk about that a little bit. How would we qualify a goal as being a good one? How do we know if the goals we're creating for ourselves are beneficial in the long run?

Yeah, Nick. I would qualify a good goal as one that is for the betterment of self and for the improvement of relationships. Fulfillment is about healthy, thriving relationships in life, relationship with God, self, others. A good goal advances and helps us strengthen those closest relationships, again with self and others. So in my opinion, that's a good goal.

Yeah, yeah. Just. I mean, similar. Just something that I know makes me a better version of myself, you know, because sometimes goals are things that I've wanted to do and just have not prioritized. And so I'll implement those. But then there are things that are maybe not as natural or easy for us to do that we want to set a goal for, but knowing that these are creating a better version of myself. You know, I remember there was a time when I was really, really good at starting books and really, really bad at finishing them. I would. I'd have finger in, like, six or seven different books at a time, which I still sort of do now. But I remember one year I was just like, you know what? This is gonna be the year that I finish books. And I went from finishing maybe one or two to finishing 30. And I'm like, all right. And what's cool is that has become now a habit that I've sustained where I'm reading tons of books every year. But I know that that's something that I'm investing in myself. I remember the thing that actually shifted that perspective for me, and I just want. I know there are multiple people listening right now who are thinking reading is so dumb, and it's not worth it. I'll just tell you what changed my perspective. I heard a pastor once say that there are men and women on your bookshelf waiting to disciple you. All you have to do is open up and listen. And I was like, okay, that's fair. I think I can do that. But I knew that finishing a book meant that I was making an investment. Yes, of time, but knowing that it would make me a better version of myself. So for me, that has been the indicator of if a goal is good or not.

Yeah. What I would look at for good goals is do they create a sense of focus on the things that we would say are our priorities? And in our world, there are so many competing voices. I mean, the number of books to read, podcasts to listen to, music, you could check out experiences. You could. I mean, like, there's endless possibilities. And I think sometimes we get so caught up in the noise of it all that we really don't do anything of much focus that moves us towards what we want to see in our life. And so that, to me, is what a goal does, is it accomplishes. Accomplishes a sense of, here's what I'm choosing to focus. Among all the things I could focus on, here's what I'm going to choose to focus on right now. Because, as you said, Tyler, it helps improve myself or the relationships around me. And I would add in, again, that concept of, is it creating growth so not about accomplishment necessarily but what are my goals? To grow and having that mindset of I want to grow and not the fixed mindset, which is very much about, well, I just need to get it done and accomplish it, and that's all that matters versus man. I'm just looking to grow in these areas and maybe I've got some benchmarks I'm going to look at to show that there is progress. But rather than just making it about, well, I'm going to get to the finish line, like, what's this going to accomplish in me? And if you see growth happening, whether it's because you're totally spot on and achieving that goal, or you've been more spotty than you thought you would be, if you see it's creating growth, it's like that will keep you motivated to keep working on it and keep the focus going. And so. So, yeah, I think that can help a goal move from being maybe too aggressive or unrealistic to being a really good goal that you're working towards.

Okay, so what are some of the things that we need to consider when we're trying to make goals attainable? Like what are the things we need to take into consideration, the aspects that maybe we don't tend to think about when we're setting goals? Let's talk about that.

Yeah, Trevor, what comes to mind is a goal must be specific, otherwise it is a wish. So should also be measurable. How do I know I've arrived. What are the steps to get there? So establishing certain parameters around achievement of a goal, I think is really important. We define a goal as a target and we must clarify what that target is, what we're aiming at moving toward.

He's. Yeah, he started the smart. What is. What are those? The specific measurable. What are the A, the R and the T? What are those? I can't remember.

We.

I'm sorry, now I make us look dumb if you don't know it, but.

I can't recall the most actionable.

Yes, there you go.

That's repeatable.

And we'll find the T realistic.

Realistic.

Oh, yeah. Realistic Time bound. Yeah, that's right. Okay, we got it, guys. We got it.

So look up smart goals for all our answers. You could be down at the podcast. You know what I think you should consider is the season of life that you're in. Because there were goals I could make when I was 25 and had no kids that are probably not great goals. 45, preach. And have a lot of kids activities and commitments in my life. And so it's Sometimes just being honest with yourself about what are the kind of margins I have, not only time wise, but financially, relationally, because where you don't have much margin, you want to be very thoughtful about making goals there. And I think to consider too, what impact does this have on the people around me? And does it dovetail maybe with things they're working on, or does it potentially work contrary? You know, and so if, if you realize for your spouse or family member, their goals are all around spending more quality time together in the evenings. And you want to set a goal about going to the gym every evening, like you're going to have some real conflict there, because what they see for your family and what you do for yourself, you know, though neither is bad for you to want to go to the gym and your, your spouse to want to work on family time. Both are really great goals. But if you haven't thought through, oh, okay, how does, how do we work together on this? It's just gonna be difficult to be successful with it. So I think when you're making goals, yeah, sit with a journal, meditate, you know, work through what. What am I looking for? What does God want to do in my life? What am I hearing the Holy Spirit say? But then making sure you also sit with that spouse or your kids or people in your life that you're really close to and interact with them. What are you working on? What'? Because you might find that the very things that are stirring in them could connect with what you're considering and actually strengthen the focus that everybody has on their goals. Rather than feeling like we've all got these competing time demands. And I know there's some of that in relationships. You got to negotiate, like, okay, my goal is to run more, so I'm going to get up and do that early. Your goal is also to go to the gym. You're going to do that right after work and you kind of figure out the kids and schedule. Like, some of that's realistic, but on the other, I mean, it's just life, but there are opportunities. I think your goals could coincide with what you see in the lives of people around you.

Yeah, I think what you're talking about is environment. And that's like, that's something. And I remember when I first started eating clean and you know, it was one of those things where I had that conversation with my wife. I was like, hey, I would like to start eating healthier. But it's like, and I'll be honest, there were times, and there have been times on kind of my weight journey up and down, where, like, my family's having pizza and eating ice cream, and I'm, like, chewing on a head of lettuce. You know what I mean? At the end of the couch, just like a little bunny rabbit, just like, I know. Trying not to pay attention. My wife comes into the room like, I'm sorry, it's salted caramel. And I'm like, I hate you right now. But I just think that those considerations are really helpful because those set us up for success. And I really think that that's what makes something attainable, is that forethought that goes into, oh, okay. I know that we'll be on vacation in April of this year, and if my goal was to eat healthy every single week of the year, there might be one week that we're on vacation where it's like, it's just not gonna happen. And so now, again, like, if you were to apply that to recovery, it's not like, well, I'm gonna be in a really triggering area, so I'm just gonna allow myself to relapse for a week. But when setting those goals that are maybe in the outer circle, the things that we're pursuing for our own health, I think that it's okay to say, you know what? I can take a break. Like, for you, even with your Bible reading, Like, maybe there was a week that was unbelievably stressful for your family, and it's like, I just don't have the margin and read my Bible the way that I did. But maybe on, you know, your walk in the evening with your wife, you're praying. So there are other ways that you can still maybe meet those goals that you have, but maybe aren't as specific as you once thought you could be.

Yeah. So we've talked about this impact and involvement of spouses and family members. So, Tyler, speak to that a little bit. How involved should others in our family, or maybe even in our community, like our small group or our pure desire group, how involved should they be in our goal setting? And how does this help make our goals more attainable if others are involved?

Well, as we all know, not everyone in our family or community is equipped to lend support. Yeah, for sure, the dynamic of families. But to achieve a goal usually requires more than just self. And from others, we can acquire encouragement, accountability, sometimes competition, collaboration. Sometimes sharing a goal is much sweeter when it's shared with someone we care for. So I'm a firm believer that having a supportive team is vital to constructing and achieving Our goals. I don't feel like we can go through life in a vacuum. It really feels like we need to welcome others in.

Here's a good example of a situation where not a goal that I had thought of, but a goal that my wife had for me, which was really helpful. Just recently, Amy and I had a tough conversation about. She identified how nitpicky I can be with my kids, and she identified that that is a wedge that gets in between the intimacy we can have. She doesn't feel close to me. She doesn't want to be, you know, connected to me. She wants to pull away. And so when I heard that, you better believe that, I started setting a goal around not being nitpicky with my kids. And so that's something that I have, the support from someone else, but also that encouragement. And it's not like she, you know, like threw me on the floor and rebuked me in front of our children, but it was something where she called me on it. And I wouldn't have seen that. Like, I knew maybe that we weren't as close and that there were some things I could work on, but I don't know if I would have said that was the thing. And so other people, and this, not just your spouse, could be anybody that's close to you in your community, but I mean, specifically your spouse can see things. Often they'll see things that you don't see and will call it out. And so I feel like that's why you have to have people to some degree involved with goal setting, because they could be like, look, you don't have what it takes to do that, because look at your life right now. You don't have that space or confirmation. Absolutely, you should do that. I see how that would bring value to your Life. So, yeah, 100% they should be involved.

Well, and the reality is particular to our podcast and the community that is most engaged with it. If we're a struggler or a betrayed spouse, that leads to blind spots in our lives. If we've been struggling with addictive type behavior, with unwanted sexual activity, that level of secrecy, selfishness, the patterns that we've been trapped in, even if those are now a year or two or more in the rearview mirror, thank God for that. But there are patterns that we got stuck in because of blind spots. And for us to just think, I can self manage my goals and what I need is maybe a little bit of arrogance or at a minimum, foolishness to just think, I've got this figured out. And so in humility. As we walk in recovery, we're learning to trust other people. We're learning to go to them. We're learning to run past them and say, hey, you know me pretty well. What do you feel would be appropriate things for me to be working on right now in my journey that would be helpful to my family, to myself, and at the same time, token, in a very different way. Obviously, a betrayed spouse. Trauma creates blind spots. Trauma creates kind of this blurred vision of all I can see sometimes is my safety. And if you've been in that mode for a while, I mean, hopefully you're making progress and you're finding safety, but it's maybe difficult for you to really open up kind of those. Those blinders that have kept you focused on what you need for safety and appropriately so. But to look more holistically at man, what might I need for health or growth or fun? And so to be able, as a traumatized or betrayed spouse, say, to your group or people that you really feel safe with, what do you think I need? And you might be surprised as they share like, man, you just really need to find something you get to do by yourself that you enjoy as a hobby, because it seems like all you've ever done is your kids and your spouse and what they're into. Like, what do you love to do? Go find out. And that could be actually very freeing to have someone else speak into your life about an area that you just. You haven't been able to see because you're so wrapped up in the pain or the way you've been doing life. So. So I think the nature of recovery teaches us, I don't want to do it alone. We all have blind spots. And that's not because there's something wrong with me. It's because that's part of our human experience and so engaging with others that we know and trust and love. And hopefully it's your spouse. But if your spouse and you are in the midst of some of your recovery journey, that they're not totally a safe person for you right now, that's okay. Now you may need to still manage how can my goals interact with the needs of our family. But if you don't specifically ask them for input because of where you're at, that's okay. But I hope there are safe people you could go to and say, hey, what do you see? What do you know? What do you think I should work on this year? And the other thing that does, you know, I think all of us get caught up in our Same old goals, like, well, every year I'm planning to lose ten pounds. Every year I'm going to read more books. Every year I'm going to, you know, whatever the goal is, like, oh, it's been this goal pretty much for the last 14 years. Where others might have a perspective to, to get you into some new areas to go, oh, I'd never really thought about that. And that could be healthy for all of us.

Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so I have a specific context in mind for this next question. But sometimes, like boundaries or maybe even like self care, sometimes our goals can negatively impact other people or impact them, affect them, whatever it may be. I know for me, when, like I mentioned earlier, when I started eating clean, it kind of was an inconvenience to my family for a little bit. How do we navigate that stuff with our community, with our family, with our spouse? If a goal that we're setting seems to have what they perceive at least as a negative experience for them, I.

Think it's important to communicate and collaborate. We just have to open the dialogue, help others see the benefit of the goal for both yourself and perhaps them as well. I would bring it into the open for sure.

I think about in some of the group materials where we ask people to think about what their priorities are. And almost universally when we're asked, we know the right answer. And I think we believe that it's true that we've got this priority of God or our faith in Christ and what's happening there, Then next is our spouse and then our family and kids. And then after those come some of our, maybe our career, our personal health. And so if we're setting goals for ourself that are impacting negatively the people or situations that we would say are a higher priority, then we're actually making the wrong goals. I think we have to start there with our spouse or family or our faith components to say, what are the goals in these areas that we want to make sure we are putting first about our marriage or our kids? And as those get established, then we can maybe look at, okay, in the margins I have left in the season of life I'm in after those things are first, where could I prioritize my eating, my personal health, my exercise, whatever rhythms we're looking for, but making sure those kind of come under the bigger priorities because otherwise we are kind of getting it backwards. We're trying to make God and our spouse and our kids fit into our plan for how we're going to be healthy versus saying, oh, maybe me being healthy is about prioritizing our growth first and then putting my personal stuff while still important. You know, don't hear me say that your personal health is unimportant, but if it's not fitting into those greater priorities, you're a little bit out of order there. Tyler, why is setting goals and accomplishing them important in our recovery and healing journey? I mean, let's talk specifically about goal setting in that regard, because that's what we're here for on this podcast. We're not just looking for health in general, although we're all fans of that. We're really looking at how does this aid recovery, how does it aid healing, how does it aid in couples that are walking through this or individuals? And why might it be important for us to do, even though this is a stereotypical thing, but at the start of a new year, how might that be important for us in our recovery journey?

Nick Taking those small steps toward our goals and then experiencing success over and over and over again builds inertia, builds self confidence, gives us strength and hope that we can achieve those goals in life. We prove to ourselves that we can accomplish what's important.

Yeah, I wrote momentum, you know, like that's the same thing, that inertia idea, because when you create momentum and it's happening over and over again, you then develop habits. And habits are just then. Well, this is what's funny. I think I know for me and I just, you know, this year just read Atomic Habits for the first time and really started to dive in some more of that stuff, that end of what it looks like to build those into life. But over time, your entire life just becomes habit. Everything you do is just a habit. And so that's what we want ultimately. We want health to become the habit. That's what we do. In each context. We're making the healthy decision when faced with a double bind. We're doing the right but difficult thing in that moment when we're feeling disconnected and pulling away, we press into relationship like that's what we want. And that's why I think it's so important to set those goals. And what I would say here at the end of this episode is just that setting goals that are small and bite sized, that are moving you in the direction of that overall health, that it's something where making three phone calls when you're a group seems so silly, but it's not. What it's training you to do is to have the habit of reaching out to people. And that's just a normal thing, is you're in relationship, you're having those conversations. You're welcoming people into your life. You're, you know, exchanging about what's challenging in each of your lives. You're also learning empathy in those moments. There's so many things that could happen. So I just think that momentum becomes habit, and health is ultimately what we want our life to be about, and that just becomes that habit over time.

I think I've heard Harry Flanagan say that in recovery, we're either moving towards health and recovery or we're moving towards relapse. That there's not this static place where we can feel like, oh, I've just got it, I'm good to go. And I think especially the further we get into recovery and healing and freedom and things are good, if we take our eyes off of that focal point of where we want to be, there can be a drift towards old, unhealthy patterns. And so I think the new year making goals, there's kind of this opportunity to just reevaluate. Where am I at now? What's needed? What should be my focus this year? Do I need to take on a new resource, like, for men going through the compassionate warrior? I've heard about it. I'm going to jump in maybe for women and who've done betrayal and beyond, and they've realized, yeah, now I'm in a healthy place and I see I've got some of my issues, maybe a love addiction in there, and maybe they jump into unraveled that they've not done before because they didn't feel the need. But if we want to keep growing, we're just saying, what's a new thing I could do or experience to make sure I keep headed in the right direction. I know Nate Larkin said it at our summit earlier this year when he said, no matter how far I get down the road, I'm the same distance from the ditch. And he's so quotable in a lot of what he says, but I think that resonated with a lot of us, that, yeah, just because I'm way down the road from where I used to be, the ditch is still only a few feet away. And if I think I can drive without ever watching the road, I can just be looking elsewhere. I could end up in the ditch, even though I'm a lot further than I was before. So I think in that regard, especially if you're listening and you're at year five, six and beyond, you're like, hey, we're doing the recovery thing. We've got this this is a really helpful rhythm to just kind of pause and go, okay, for this year, for this season, where do I need to keep pressing in? And maybe it won't be. And hopefully it won't be what it was at year one or year two, but maybe there are new opportunities that God has for you that keep you focused on those priorities in your life. So I think just having this rhythm of evaluation, getting new perspective, keeps us all moving forward.

Yeah. So. So you can be healthy. Even though this is a stressful season for a lot of people, this is a season that you can be healthy, you can thrive in this, and you can set attainable goals that in this, you know, we're now right after Christmas, before the new year, you can set attainable goals. You can create goals and accomplish them. You do have what it takes. But we know that there's a lot that goes into it, and we hope that this conversation today helps you set attainable goals. And I just want to say, too, thanks for listening to the podcast for another year. I just think that's such a. That's such a huge thing. We value that so much. And so just thanks for sticking with us in 2023.

And maybe that should be their goal for next year. I'm listening to every single episode.

Yeah.

And then if they miss one.

No. Okay, that's right.

Either way, just make it a priority.

That's right. No. And we. Yes.

When you.

You should make a priority. Subscribing, writing a review, sharing this with other people. You know, I'm gonna say it in a minute, too, but Tyler, thanks so much, man, for your time. Thanks for what you do as our clinical director, but. But also just for being with us today. Appreciate it, enjoyed it.

Thank you both.

And wherever you're at on your journey, pure desire is here to help you take back your life from unwanted sexual behavior and betrayal, trauma. If you or someone you know needs recovery and healing, go to PureDesire.org and begin the journey today. If you like this episode or a fan of the podcast, I already said it. Please share it with others and make sure to check out the full episode on YouTube as well. Lastly, never stop being healthy. Sam.