391 - Looking Back & Looking Ahead

Foreign. Hello there, good listener. I am your host, Nick Stumbo, and you are listening to the Pure Desire podcast, your biblically based and clinically informed approach to healing from betrayal and breaking free from compulsive sexual behavior. Today is episode 391, and Happy New Year's Eve to those that are listening on the day we're recording, releasing it, and to everyone, no matter where you are, no matter what day it is, we're so thankful you're tuning in here. Joining me today is a guest co host, team member Heather Kolb. Heather, welcome back to the program. Good to see you.

Nice to see you. Nice to be back.

Yeah. So we're recording this episode in advance for New Year's Eve release, our Tuesday release on December 31st, and we had a conversation just on the value of pausing and reflecting, being able to look back at a year that was looking ahead at a year to come. What can our listeners expect to get out of today's episode?

So we kind of dig in to more of the why. Like, why is this important? Why is self reflection an important part to our healing and recovery journey? Whether we're looking back and reflecting over a year or a season or a specific time frame, just the value that we have from that and what insights we can gain, not only about ourselves, but perhaps about relationships. And then what do we do with that information? Because if we're reflecting on the past in order to make change in the future, then how does that, how do we implement that? What does that look like? What steps can we take? It's kind of what we talked about.

Yeah. Yeah. I think no matter your personality type, no matter if you're into resolutions or not, there is something here for everyone just to think about the value of noticing what's going on in my life and with the help of God and others saying, what do I want to do with this information? So what if people are tuning into this podcast at a time other than New Year's, which I know we have people that, you know, they're trying to get caught up and listen to every episode, if that's you. Kudos. Way to go. Or maybe they just saw the topic and they're like, oh, I'd like to think more about some self reflection type things. Is this valuable only to do at junctures like, you know, New Year's Eve or throughout the year, should we be engaged in self reflection?

I think this is definitely something that we can do periodically throughout the year and especially as we look at the things in our lives that affect us differently because we could go through seasons where we have something that is painful or hard or traumatic that we're dealing with for maybe six months, and we get out of that, and we're relieved to get out of that. But then we hit another place in a couple months from that where our mind keeps jumping back to that time. So I think self reflection is really a healthy motivator at times in order to change our behaviors or even to change how we're gonna respond to similar situations. Or maybe it's to make a plan going forward that if something like this ever happens to me again, I want to make sure that I have the tools and I've processed this and I can handle it going forward in a really healthy, productive way.

Yeah. Yeah. I think it's a part of life to know where we're at, to know where we're headed, to ask God where he's leading us, what that looks like is just. It's healthy. At any time of year, we talk about that, examine life, and in fact, if you are the first listener to tell me the proper attribution of a quote towards the beginning of the episode, you email the podcast email and tell us who the quote is from. I will send you a copy of one of our Pure Desire books. I'll let you. I'll email you back, let you pick one. But the first listener that can do that, we'll send them a little gift.

So nice.

We got stuck on a few quotes. I got. I should say I got stuck on a few quotes because evidently I can remember people's words. I just can't remember who said them. So, yeah, listener, I think you're in for a great conversation. Thank you so much for tuning in. And here is today's conversation on looking back and looking ahead. All right, Heather, well, thanks for being a part of this conversation today. Always glad to have you in on these conversations.

Thank you. Nice to be back.

Yeah. So this episode is coming out for our listeners and those that are in the, you know, the weekly PD podcast rhythm. For them, it's going to be December 31st, and because of that, we wanted to kind of take a little bit of time and just think through the value of looking back and, you know, analyzing the year that was looking ahead, making some decisions about what we're doing in the coming year. So before we dive into all that, let's just start there. What do you feel is the value of self reflection and maybe in particular, how that relates to those of us that are in a recovery journey, whether from Our own struggles or those of a loved one, a spouse. Like, what have you seen the value of self reflection to be?

So this conversation, the whole thing reminds me of a comment that a writing instructor that I had used to say, and he would say that we always should have something that we're working on so none of us arrive. There should just always be something. And I know that that can be really challenging for people who are on the journey of recovery and healing when they probably feel like they're always working on something, either on themselves or on relationship. And yet self reflection is one of those things that it allows us to. Well, different parts of it, but primarily it allows us to kind of go inside, inside of our own head initially and to even just think back through the year or and maybe it's even longer for some people and just do kind of an analysis of what happened when, why, what was good about that, what was not so good about that. And then it allows you to then, you know, look forward and say, if I can pick out of my, let's say my last year that I had this one experience that really went differently than I thought it should and maybe went sideways and be able to look at that and say, okay, what was my part in that? And just be honest with yourself about it, because nobody's perfect, there's no such thing. And we always should be working on something. And so look at that and say, what was my part in that? And then if it comes to like either repairing a relationship or even recognizing something about yourself that says, you know what, I really need to work on this so that this doesn't ever happen again, then those are the kind of things that we can put in place for next year to say, okay, this is what I noticed did not work for me last year. And I'm going to try and fix that. And so what are some steps that I can go forward, you know, and part of that is that self reflection piece.

Yeah, it seems like it's the difference between just living life and living life on purpose that do I have an awareness of where I'm headed? Am I making progress? What are the things I need to learn along the way? There's someone famous and I should have looked it up. You probably know someone famous said that the unexamined life is not worth living. And that's a little harsh. But I think it does reflect some of what scripture teaches us of. You know, in the psalms it says, lord teach us to number our days and the idea that we might live the ones that we have in wisdom and to really consider our steps and ask to God to guide our steps. So even that practice of asking God to guide and direct us is, in a sense, self reflection. It's an ability to see. I don't always know the right way to go. I need to understand what am I moving into? And moving into something new also might involve leaving behind something old and making changes. And so there are just so many points, I think if we're taking that time to pause, reflect, look at where have I been and where do I want to go? If. If we don't take the time to do that, we're just, you know, it's always just next day, next day, next day. While maybe missing a greater purpose or a sense of what am I trying to do? I have a limited number of days. Any one of us has a limited number of days in this world. And to say, what am I doing with that time? Am I just making it through another day? Or am I trying to head somewhere? Am I trying to do something with the time that I have? And I think especially in our faith, we're invited to really reflect. And part of that's inviting God into that process of, Lord, what do you want me to see? And in light of what he helps us see, asking the question, what do you want me to do?

Yeah, I like that. I like that especially because it gives so much more purpose. I think sometimes we just live life as though it's just happening to us and that we don't really have a choice in it. And yet self reflection allows us to be way more purpose, Purposeful with what we're doing.

Yeah. By the way, did you know the author of that quote?

I don't know.

No. We'll both have to Google it together after. After this podcast. As you can hear, listener, we don't always prep, you know, our answers ahead of time. That just comes to us and we share things. One of the things. Another question that came to mind as I was thinking about this topic is there tend to be personality types that we feel like, well, you know, a more contemplative type, introverts perhaps. You know, there are just certain types of people that are more prone to reflection and journaling. And others might feel like, I just don't like to journal or slow down. And so I wanted to have you talk about that a little bit. Like, is self reflection good for all persons or is it more of something that's good just for certain personality types?

So I think it's good for everyone. However, the way that it Comes about could look very different. Like you said, people who are, you know, maybe more introverted, this, this might just be part of their process all the time, you know, that they're constantly looking back and having this reflective time. I think there are personalities though, that sometimes need an external force that bring that awareness. And so it could be somebody who maybe has a temperament of, I'm fine, I'm good, everything I'm doing is great. You know, just in forward motion until somebody comes to them and says, you know, when this happened, this was not really good. And I think that it hurt our relationship and I'd like for us to work on it. And so then they are given the opportunity to reflect and decide whether or not they want to invest in that, whether they want to invest in the relationship, whether there's any truth to the claim that, okay, maybe everything isn't great, but I definitely think that there is some, whether you call it personalities or even just seasons of life where we're at in life, I think that it can be easier for some to totally engage in that self reflection, whereas others, that might not be their first choice, they would rather maybe just make a plan and not look to the past and see if they can work it out just going forward.

Yeah, it seems a little bit like the question of saying, is healthy eating good for everybody or just for people that have good self discipline or that have healthy eating habits? No, there are things in this life that we would say are healthy forever everyone. And it might look different person to person, but I, I agree that I think every person and personality type benefits from self reflection. One of the things I've learned a lot about this year, I went through my first time through our new workbook for men, the Compassionate Warrior. So I've done seven pillars of freedom a whole lot of times. And the Compassionate Warrior really invites you to look into some of your, your inner critic, the voices that you listen to and what might be driving them. And prior to that study, I would have said I was mostly driven by like that perfectionism or performance voice. And in taking, you know, one of the assessments that we link in that workbook, I found that my number one voice was actually a taskmaster that is much more about accomplishment and achievement. And that probably fits with an enneagram 3. But as I noticed that just paying attention in my life of how often getting things done is my mark of a good day or feeling like I had a successful week. And yet achievement or activity in and of itself isn't necessarily good. Just because you achieved Something the metaphor I've been thinking about a lot is like, if I'm hacking my way through a jungle and just hitting at the brush and making a path, but I haven't stopped very often to check the map or a compass, I could be forging a path with lots of activity in completely the wrong direction or away from where I actually want to go. I know for me, and maybe speaking for others that might be more prone to achievement or those that are listening that are very extroverted and just want to be with people and don't want to sit quietly, like, part of it for us is to see there is value in checking the compass and coming back to the map of God's word and his plans for us to say, lord, where am I headed? And is all my activity or my engagement with people actually a good use of my time and focus? Or have I just gotten caught up in the purpose of activity for the sake of activity, but not necessarily doing those things that are most necessary or most important? And you know, for me too, that that often looks like, you know, I get to the end of a very busy day or week and it's like, man, I had tons of meetings, accomplished a lot, but I lay in bed at night and think, man, I've hardly connected with my kids. I don't mean like, I didn't say hi. I mean, we interact, you know, as we come and go, but like, actually have had time with them, ask how their week is, that, that takes intentionality and, and that doesn't always feel like an achievement or accomplishment. And so if I'm not willing to self reflect once in a while and say, man, in my activity, am I making space for the important people in my world or am I just getting a little bit blinded by the activity itself? And so just to kind of share a little bit of my own story this year, that self reflection is often that needed course correction. Because even if we're just a little bit off course, if we keep going a little bit off course long enough, that can become a major detour from what we really want to see in our lives.

Absolutely.

Well, as we're at this, you know, end of a year, when we look back, you know, we're trying to pause and analyze the year that was and whether it's looking back on a year, a season, a decade, what kind of takeaways are you looking for? What would you say we should be cementing in our memories when we try to look back at a year that was?

So I think celebration is huge, even if it's because I think sometimes we need time and space to look back and remember the things that we did well, the things that we celebrated with others, even if they're not our own accomplishment, but maybe for our team at work or for our family or something significant, I think sometimes it's very easy to let that forward motion interfere with actually slowing down and taking time and celebrating. So I think that's a big part of it. I also think that when we look at our past, and especially if there's something that keeps coming up again and again and again, even if it was just a one time incident, but yet it's almost something that hits our memory every single day or every other day, that's something to pay attention to, even if it's not necessarily distressing or it's not interrupting sleep or anything like that, but it's there, you know, it's just there in the background, right. And so that's always a good place to reflect on and spend some time and take the opportunity to even journal and think through what happened. Because I think that those are whether or not you think that it's just our memory or you think that it's the Holy Spirit. Because sometimes I definitely feel like it's the Holy Spirit nudging me in a direction, especially if I'm trying to ignore it or stuff a feeling down that's connected to that, but just being able to spend time with it, not, you know, intentional time, again, setting aside time to just let yourself be in that moment again and see what happens. And then of course, if it is something distressing that you seek professional help with that. Because I think it's very common for people to have an experience something that happened to them and they don't necessarily recognize the severity or the impact that it had, except for that every time somebody brings it up, they start crying. And so where they normally don't. And so it's just being aware of those kind of things and knowing yourself and knowing the people that you're around to just have that level of awareness to say, you know what? This might be an area where I need to spend some time reflecting.

Yeah, yeah, that's a great point. And that as we do this, we want to say, lord, would you bring to mind what you want me to pay attention to? And we do that in group. And I really will often find myself encouraging, guys, that when you do that, typically something's going to pop in your mind that you think is too minor or you're like, well, not that. And. And you're, it's almost like we over hype these moments that I'm going to get some divine revelation, you know, the, the angel going, oh, pay attention to this. And, and it might just be a little memory, a word, an interaction. And I've told men, like as they're doing their work to say, man, write it down. Because if it came to mind, there's, you know, and specifically if you said, lord, would you show me? And some random thought popped in your mind. It's probably not random now. It might be, but why not at least write it down, reflect on it, say, lord, is there something here in this moment? Seemed really non consequential to me, but it came to mind when I said, show me what's, what's this about? And you might find that the God is asking you to pay attention to something. And I think that would be a great practice of just taking those, you know, some deep breaths and centering yourself and being aware of God's presence and saying, lord, what, what do you want me to remember from last year? What stands out? What, what do you want to bring to my mind? And then whatever comes versus overanalyzing, just kind of note it, write it down, ponder it. And if, if after some time of doing that, you don't really see anything to do with it. Okay, well, maybe it was just random, but I think often in those cases we see, oh, that, that's interesting. There really was a point there that I'd, I'd been ignoring or hadn't seen. One of the other ideas that came to mind for me, and we've talked about it at other podcasts, is the value of analyzing your day through that lens of consolation and desolation. And this kind of goes with what you were saying about celebration, that it's those moments of where did God feel especially near? Where did I feel like his joy and his presence, like they were just the highlights and where did I feel furthest from him or like the low points where I felt alone? And I think we could. And that's been a tradition, you know, for many Christians in many different walks of faith that I think we could apply to a year to just look back and try to say, okay, where, where did I feel the greatest consolation? Close to God, connecting with others, filled with purpose, lots of joy, you know, fruit of the spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self. Like, where did I most feel all of that? And to pay attention to those like, boy, those were highlights. And where were the moments you'd Say the opposite. Desolation. I felt alone, questioned my fate, like what were the circumstances? And just trying to pay attention. Then as you said, in the areas of consolation, I think to ask the question, how could I do more of that? And the areas of desolation to be willing to acknowledge, is there something there I still need to deal with? Is there help I need to get, Do I need to take this to someone? Or were there environments that maybe I created because of my schedule or overworking or not taking care of my, my own health, self care kind of stuff that led me into those desolation moments that can, you know, we're going to turn the corner in a little bit here and talk about the coming year. But that could inform me of what is it that I want to address this year so that those areas of desolation maybe aren't as common in the next year.

Yeah, because it is really easy. The things that we think about that make us uncomfortable or we immediately want to dismiss. I think sometimes those are important things that if we don't address them now, that they're still just going to be popping up in our lives somewhere. And I guess really when it comes to the journey, the recovery and healing journey, is that as much as we can minimize those things, the better off we're going to be down the road. Because I guarantee they're gonna pop up and they're gonna get worse over time. I've had this happen in my life and pretty soon you don't even know how you got there. But then this thing has become this giant force in your life and it's like, okay, fine, I'll deal with it. Instead of just when it's a little thing, a little thought that we just don't take it seriously.

Yeah, yeah, that's so good. And I think that leads into the next question and maybe what keeps some of us from looking back as long or as sincerely as we should? Because there's a little fear there. So what if looking back entails a great amount of pain in what happened to us? Shame, maybe in things we've done or trauma because of circumstances we walk through? So if that's a part of what we're dealing with, how can we be gracious with ourselves? And how should we reflect on those parts of our past year or the past season of life?

Yeah, that's a great question. Sometimes I think that we end up there. Not by accident, but it's a lot of times we don't want to end up back there because if we already experienced Something for the first time. And it was really painful and it was really traumatic. There's a part of us that thinks, okay, I don't ever want to go back to that spot again and I'm going to just bury that deep in my subconscious somewhere. But yet I think that there are times when something like that, that is significant, that we really do have to deal with it. And this is a perfect example of things. Sometimes when we need some help, we need some outside help. And I. I know my brain pretty well, but I also know myself well enough to know that sometimes my brain is only going to come up with the same solution that it's been coming up with for the last however many years. And so if I find myself kind of spinning in circles, that's my indicator that I need another. I need an outside voice, at least one, maybe two, to speak into this because my brain just is on repeat. And I need something that's going to kind of disrupt that pattern, give me new information or something that my brain couldn't think of on its own that's going to head me in a better direction. Because I also think that that's something that can be kind of paralyzing and even crippling to our healing is when we just find ourselves spinning in circles and we're not really getting anywhere. But yet we also recognize that we're kind of stuck.

Yeah, yeah. I'm hearing another quote there. That again, I don't know who said it, but I think our listeners are probably aware of it. That idea that if I keep doing what I've always done, I'm going to keep getting what I've always got. Gotten. Gettin.

If you keep doing what you're doing, you're gonna get more of what you got.

Yeah, yeah. Just like that. That idea of just self reflection alone. If I realize there's a pattern here or there's something I don't really know how to deal with, that is an invitation to say maybe I need to reach out to someone. Whether that's a therapist and counselor. It might be a friend, it might be joining that group that we've said. I don't know if I need it, but man, we're still stuck somewhere. Doing something differently to address those areas of our life I think is important. And I would underscore too that when we're talking about reflecting or looking back, we're not saying you should relive your pain or your shameful moments, your sinful things, the things that were hurtful. Like it doesn't mean Enter back into all of that, but try to maybe as an outside observer kind of take that step back and reflect on what am I learning, where am I growing, where am I stuck? Or like we invite people when we do the seven pillars of freedom. One of the lessons is on your 10 worst moments. And it's not just to, you know, have to relive that pain. Then we go into these questions and I think maybe one of the most important ones is what part of the pain or the issue am I responsible for and what part of it do I need to let go of? So that could be the kind of thing we're doing and reflecting if we had something difficult in our year or a traumatic experience to, from that outside perspective, try to say, well, what do I need to own? Like, is it. Well, if I'm being honest, that conflict started when I made this harsh comment or the reason that, you know, I'm at odds with a parent is I'm unwilling to ask forgiveness. There may be something we need to own and then with God's help or others owning what we can own, but there's often parts of our pain, trauma or shame that in self reflection we can realize, you know, what I have taken a burden on that is actually not my burden, you know, it's, this is my spouse's problem and it's not my job to fix them. Or this is a choice that my child has made and I might not like it or agree with it, but they, they get to make. You know, I'm thinking adult children in this case, you know, they get to make their own choices. There, there are circumstances like that that sometimes we're carrying a burden that I think God wants to relieve us of and say, see what part of it you can work on, you can bring to others for help. But where it might be in a really good way, this transition time of, you know, this is a time to kind of take off something I've been wearing that isn't mine to wear and, and having maybe then more freedom to move into other areas because you're not just carrying something. So I think self reflection is kind of that. Take that step back and analyze, Lord, what do you want me to do in this area? And if it's really hard, like you said, that's a good invitation to reach out to someone and say, man, I realize there's something. I just, I don't know how to go back. But I think by avoiding it, I'm just actually staying stuck in it.

Yeah, that's really good.

Well, looking Back. And especially at a juncture like this, for those that are listening, you know, right at the turn of the year, it can often be what propels us forward to make positive change. But how might we recognize if we're trying to do too much all at once? Sometimes we look back, okay, these parts of my year were bad, and I'm just going to change. Like, this year's going to be totally different, and I'm going to lose the weight and fix the problems and work on the project I've been avoiding. So how might we be aware if we're overreacting to what happened in the past year and thinking we're just going to make total changes all at once?

Yeah, that doesn't usually work very well. Even though a lot of us will try that. We have a big long list.

That fresh start. Here we go.

That's right. Here it is. Everything that I want to fix from last year. And yet what happens typically is that we get only a little ways into our list and things are not going well and we feel deflated, and then we throw it away because it's not working. And I think that if we can be intentional and focus on one thing at a time, that's going to be the most helpful. And it might even be that that one thing is a big thing, it's significant. But yet once we fix that, it really is going to simplify a lot of the other things on our list. And so if that means that maybe, you know, last year I can look back at these conversations or these relationships and recognize that my lack of communication or lack of clarity really contributed to that. And so then for this year, this is what I'm going to work on. I'm going to work on not being rushed in my communication, that I'm going to be thoughtful and intentional and clear, and I'm going to communicate well. And that's going to be not just in this same environment, but in every environment. I'm going to put, you know, really strategies in place that help me practice with self, with safe people, so that I can practice what this is going to sound like. And I'm going to make this change. And that's actually a huge change that somebody could. I mean, that's. That's big, but yet that would affect every single relationship that you have, every single, you know, text or communication or anything. And so. And again, just that one thing could take you all of the next year to develop and to perfect, you know, or to make it part of your routine. But I think that it Kind of depends on what's on your list and who is it impacting. That's another big part to that.

Yeah. What I hear you saying is that it's important to identify, like, what's the top of our list or what's our priority and what, what are some definitions around how would I know if I'm accomplishing it? And there are some things that are fairly straightforward. I think if our goal is around losing weight or some of those traditional things of how many miles I'm going to run this year, I mean, that'd be my goal, not yours. I know you don't exercise on purpose. I've heard you say that. But there are other things like what you're describing. To be more assertive in conversation or communicate with clarity can be a little bit undefined. And so I think that's part of reflection and moment. Like this is to say, if, if I'm really looking to improve in an area, what will it look like to improve? And maybe even keeping that list that once a month I could come back and refer to my list and go, oh, you know what, here's. Here's some examples of where I've grown in this or some things I've been practicing and, oh, I kind of forgot about these aspects of it. So that we do have some kind of sense of how will I judge progress versus sometimes we can get into that all or none. Thinking of, I need to go from being a poor communicator to excellent in every situation. And then it does become self defeating. One of the things I was thinking about in terms of change actually relates to a dynamic we've been implementing at work related to people having quarterly rocks and even calling our annual goals rocks. And a rock is not a great imagery unless you know why we're using it. And it came from a book that described, you know, if you have an empty vessel and you put in the rocks first, then there's still room for pebbles, and then on top of pebbles, you can add sand. And even after that you could pour in water. And many of us will do the smallest things first because they're easy. But we are being invited in this book to think about, you know, if I got to the end of this quarter or if I got to the end of next year and I only got one thing done, what is the one thing I would be most thankful or would be the most important that I got done? And thinking of that is like, that's kind of like the big rock. And I'm going to make sure that rock goes in first because then other things have room to fit in. But if I focus on all the pebbles first, I might never touch the rock because it feels too big. And then when I am ready to address it, I just haven't created enough space for it. And I think about change maybe the same way that we might look at our life and say, okay, if I get to December 31st of 2025, what's the one thing, if it's still happening, I'm going to most regret? Or what's the one action that if I haven't taken it, the change step, the group I'll join. Whatever kind of comes to mind of my biggest regret would be if this didn't happen. And again, something that's within our control because you might say that this relationship is stronger. Well, that's a good goal, but you can only control half of the relationship. So even there, you might need to address, well, what part of the relationship do I have influence over? And I think when we answer a question like that of what's the one thing I would most regret if it didn't happen, that does start to bring to the top. Like, oh, well, actually it's this thing. I mean, yeah, my. Maybe my eating habits are important or my. The number of sleep, amount of sleep I'm getting, but underneath all of that might be something a little deeper that you say, actually that's driving a lot of the other stuff. And I'm going to make that my rock, my top priority to make sure I address that one. And it just might be a helpful way for some people to think about it.

Yeah. And again, I could see how even that kind of a question for some people might be big. Like a big question. What's the one thing that if I didn't get it done by the end of 2025, what would that look like? Or how would I feel about that? And I know that even sitting here listening, I'm thinking, okay, what would be on my list? What would be my one rock? And so. And if I can't come up with something, then I'm going to ask people that are close to me, who know me really well, who even have experienced my last year with me, and to say. And to pose that question to them for me and see what they come up with, because they might come up with something that I have forgotten about but was significant at the time that happened earlier in the year.

Yeah. Your spouse will say, didn't you say you were going to change this? And they've probably got A list for you. Well, that leads right into the next question, and that was to help us process. How could we identify what our priorities are or what might be the most important thing for us to address? Maybe, especially some people feel like, I don't know, I had a pretty good year. Things are pretty good. Like, overall, yeah, there's always things I could change, but I'm not real sure what that looks like for me. Like, what kind of process or ideas might you give them to help surface? What would be meaningful in terms of looking ahead and making changes in the coming season of life?

If reflecting back on your year doesn't really draw anything to the surface, I usually think a good place to start is with our feelings. Like, how. How are we feeling? Because. And you're gonna get an array of feelings of a lot of things. But if, for me, if I have a nagging feeling that is not there very often, but I'm, you know, contemplating my last year and. And looking forward, what's my next year gonna look like? If I have this nagging feeling, then I know that something's there. And so usually I will write that down on a piece of. Just because I don't do things digitally necessarily. But this way, if I write it down and I leave it somewhere, that is that I'm going to walk by in my house, you know, every few days. And so I leave it there at least for a day or two. And I walk by it and I see the word, but I don't give it a lot of thought. And then when I have about 15 minutes, I sit down with that one word and I write everything that comes to mind for that word. Because I have found that to be so enlightening in why I'm feeling that one feeling. And I think that that could also then help to direct what the action step would be going into your planning for your next year. Does that make sense?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's an area, too, where if we're in a recovery group, if we've been doing a support group and we're doing some weekly work, I know this has been insightful for me at times in my life to just kind of glance back through, you know, the last 20 or so commitment to changes that I've made. And that's where I do think it's really valuable for doing all that in the same place, like our weekly tools, or we do have a document we're keeping online or just, you know, whatever works for us that we can kind of look. Because if you've got your weekly Tools. I mean, in 20 minutes, you could scan through and see your commitment to change probably for 52 weeks of the last year, and just kind of read. And I think what I have found in some of those, like, oh, I have some themes here. I have some patterns. Like, I kept saying, spend more time with my kids. Or I kept saying, take time to share about my week with my wife. Or I. You know, six times last year, I had the same goal about getting to bed early. You know, whatever it might be for someone when you see the patterns. Because it is hard sometimes. You know, maybe it's December 31st and someone's been off work for a week and they're with family or taking time off and they're listening to this episode going, I can't remember. Like, it all seems okay. But then you read through your journal or your weekly tools or even your faster scale, and you see, man, a lot of weeks I've been ticked off. Why is that? Oh, boy. I keep mentioning this issue of disrespect or feeling unwanted or, you know, whatever. Again, maybe emotion, feeling, experience. When we see that it kept coming up, if we can't answer the question, have I resolved that or made the progress I want to, that could in and of itself kind of reveal the sorts of things that we want to prioritize to say, you know what? This is not going to be my commitment to change every week this year. You know, I'm not going to keep saying, read my Bible more. And I mean, I don't want to make light of that one. But I have had guys that every week want to read their Bible more. And it's like, okay, like, are you going to read your Bible more or not? And what other commitments do you want to work on? Because sometimes I think it's sincere and sometimes I think it's just the easy one. Like, read your Bible more. We could all say that. But when you look at your commitment to change or even your homework, going through some of your lessons, just what are those feelings, thoughts, memories that just keep surfacing? And to say, you know what? What would it look like this year to make a change, to take a positive step in regards to that? And I think, yeah, again, that's just a value of doing. Group is you have some of that material at your fingertips. Take a few moments, pull out your work, but go back through it, look at your weekly commitments, and see if you find a pattern that could clarify your priority for the coming season.

Great place to start.

Yeah. And if you're willing, ask the people around you because they may have some ideas. But sincerely, one other thing I was thinking, if you can't come up with a lot of you may be in a season where you feel like you've made great progress and you're pretty content overall with where you're at in life and in relationships, there may be an opportunity for you to come alongside a child in your life, a spouse, a loved one, and say, what are you hoping to see God do in your life this year? And what does it look like for me to help? How could I help you achieve your dream, your goal, your accomplishments? Because you might see that God is given you a time where you're in a really good place to support someone that does have some major changes they want to make. So I think change in the coming year doesn't have to just be our change. We might be able to go to our family and say, what could I help you with? What's on your heart? And even that might inspire you to say, oh, I'd like to work on that with you. Because there is a lot of fun when you're working, you know, with your kids on memorizing scripture together or prioritizing family time, whatever they might see, you're like, oh, that'd be good for me too. Let's do it together. And I've seen that be really motivating for people and for myself.

Yeah, add another game night to the calendar every week.

Yeah. I don't think you'll ever regret too many game nights with your family. I mean, unless they end with dice getting thrown. And I've had some of those experiences more as the perpetrator as a child, thankfully not as a parent. But yeah, I think we don't regret spending more time with people we care about. So, next question. Heather, what would you say is some of your top advice to help us make sure that these planned changes or areas that we want to focus on are more than just good intentions? So how can our plans, and some people might be thinking resolutions, maybe they like that language. How can we make sure, though, that these last longer than 30 or 60 or even 90 days, that maybe six months down the road we're still making progress versus going, oh, I can't even remember what I was working on. How do we keep it in front of us?

So I would say that the biggest thing is to know yourself, because I know that for me, a resolution that says that I'm going to exercise more is never going to happen. In fact, that's not even going to last for A couple days, because I just have issues with that. But if it's something that I can work on, that I'm passionate about, let's say, like communication, because that's something that I think that we all can be working on. But those are the kind of things that I can see progress and especially if I let somebody else into that. One thing that I worked on this last year that came up, and I've been thinking about this all episode, so I thought I'd just throw it in here, is that I would ask my husband, I would say something like, oh, are you going to be playing pickleball tonight? And then it would end up being this long conversation instead of it just being an answer, because he didn't know why I was asking that if I paid play pickleball every Tuesday night, why are you asking me these questions? And so we had this conversation about it. And what I recognized was that for him to process this, then I need to give more information up front before the question comes. So I need to say, you know, I was thinking that it might be really fun for us to go and do A, B and C if you're not playing pickleball tonight. And so. And asking it that way, because then it was a far more productive conversation.

Or I'm hoping for a night to myself, would you please go play pickleball tonight?

Whatever it is.

Those are totally different questions, right? Do you want time with me or do you want time alone?

Exactly.

We don't know. But, yeah, I think that's a great idea.

Right? But it is one of those things that had we not. Okay, had I not taken the time to analyze our previous conversations and recognize that for some reason, this always ends up in a rub where it shouldn't, and I'm not sure why. And so then we talked about it and what would make this communication easier for him? Does it make sense? All of those things. And then moving forward, then this was something that. Now I know that if I want the best possible result for our conversation, then it benefits me and him to say it in this way that gives him the why first before the question is there. And that was something easily measured, and it was something that I easily could put into my routine so that now I don't even have to really think about it, but especially if it's. I mean, sometimes I do have to work it backwards in my head because my brain doesn't work exactly like this. But. But for the relationship to be able to say, okay, if this is my question, here's the Information that he's going to need leading up. How am I going to start that and then run it forward? It works so much better than it did in the past. And so really it is just taking those types of situations that we have in our lives that are everyday situations a lot of times and recognizing that, you know, this doesn't have to end up in this big thing every time, since it happens every day, then what can I do to make just this one little piece of my life or my relationship better? And because it doesn't have to be this big thing, I think sometimes when we make it a big thing, that's when they don't really last for 30 or 60 or 90 days. But when we can make it something that works for us, that's going to become part of our routine, that is just going to really ease right into what we already have going as far as our relationship, I think that those are going to be far more successful.

And I like that you're bringing up, you know, the things we work on might not be just for ourselves, you know, our health, our self care. And those things are valuable too that it could be in our core relationships. My marriage, my parenting, my friendships, like where do I want to see those grow this year? Because I think anywhere where we're stagnant and just expect a relationship year in and year out will never change. That creates challenges versus looking at what are the areas where I would like to improve my communication with my spouse or be more present to my kids and not just only talking to them because I need them to do something or pick up their shoes that involves other people. But it over time can be really, really important to your sense of well being to those relationships and growing with other people. And so I think remembering yeah. That it's not just self improvement goals. It may be relationship improvement or emotional health or spiritual growth. We kind of want to look at all the areas. One piece of advice I would give and I don't want to in any way downplay annual goals and I've made some that the only way I could reach it is if I continue a consistent progress forward like reading the Bible in a year or running a certain number of miles and I have had both success where because the only way I'm going to reach it is to just keep moving. I've read the Bible in a year, but I would also say there are other times where six months in I've gotten so far off you just kind of throw up your hands like, well that's not happening. This year. But I haven't always thought it through proactively to say, well, if that happens, where could I give myself grace to just set a new goal, to start something different and not abandon the whole thing because I didn't make it in a yearly goal. And so with that, my advice is it is okay to set 30 day goals. You know, like you said earlier, Heather, to know yourself, are you good in a two week window? Are you good with a two month window? Are you able to be focused four months at a time? I think we would all say, you know, if I have this span of time, I seem to be able to get really focused. Okay, great. If it's two weeks and say these next two weeks, I want to work on this and have a plan that when I get to the end of the two weeks, whether I've accomplished it or not, I'm going to reevaluate, I'm going to assess and I'm going to make a new two week plan. So I have found that for me, I'm better at doing a monthly goal because for me it feels like 30 days a calendar month. I don't know why that is. It's like, okay, this month, this is my focus, I've been much more successful. And then even when I'm not, I'm not as discouraged because I'm typically not that far away from a new month. And like, okay, this month I'm maybe going to try the same goal again or I'm going to adapt it, I'm going to do something different. And so I've just found for my brain that 30 day window, I'm way more focused than if I think, okay, this whole year because like you say, we can get easily overwhelmed or we get off track and we just give up and say, well, guess that's not happening this year. So I think when you know what works for you, giving yourself permission to do that and then get to the end, make another goal, make another plan, analyze what your next area of focus is and not feel like it always has to be for a year at a time.

Yeah, but if you are a person who that year is a good, that works well for you, then keep the year. But yeah, that all goes back to just being gracious with yourself and knowing yourself and what works for you and maybe what's not going to work for you.

Yeah, well, and sometimes the longer the goal gets, the greater the probability that something really unexpected can happen. And that's again where I think we have to have that grace to ourselves to go oh, there was no way I could have planned X, Y or Z. You know, I, I didn't anticipate an injury that would keep me from running for a month. So that just, that'll make an annual goal not possible. And I can either be upset about it and beat myself up or say, well, I couldn't have planned on that. And so I, I do think the longer your goal is, you just have to be ready that something unplanned may happen. And at that point go, okay, I gotta reassess. And that's okay. Because the goal, especially for those of us that are achievers, we can think the purpose of the goal is accomplishing it. And I think we need to be reminded the purpose of the goal is what it produces, what we grow in, how we gain. And that could be happening even if we don't get to whatever accomplishment line we might have drawn in the sand or in our mind. So for those out there that enneagram threes really are driven by accomplishment, just keep that in mind that even if you don't hit whatever magical number you set, if you're seeing growth in your life, you're seeing steps towards health, then it's been valuable that you focused on that. Well, thinking about other people. Heather, you were mentioning this in some of your thoughts about personal change. What role do other people have in our lives as we look back and look ahead? Is, is this kind of self reflection something we can do alone and in solitude, or should this kind of process always involve other people?

Yes and yes, I would say I think that it is always good to just on your own to engage in self reflection. Just because sometimes I think we have things going on internally and they could be things that other people don't even know about, but we know that it's something that we need to be working on. Whether or not it's something that just has to do with us like our self care or anything like that, or if it has to do with our part in a relationship, that still would be on us. But I do think that there's a lot of value and wisdom that comes from bringing other people into what we're trying to accomplish. And people that are safe, that know us, that do life with us, that we invite them in so that we not only have accountability, but I think sometimes this kind of behavior change or relationship change, all of those kind of things, I think that they happen best with other people. And so I just. That would be my encouragement is that it's probably a both and you know that you're going to have something that's just yours, and then you're going to have something that you bring other people into and, you know, to help you.

Yeah, yeah, I totally agree. There's the idea that in group, you know, we all have blind spots, and that's why we need group that can speak into the areas we can't see and can help us. But to your point, it needs to be people we trust that we know have our best interest in mind. Sometimes we may be in relationship with people that even if we love them, this isn't an area of our life that we can bring to them easily because they are very. Maybe they're very driven. And they tend to put their drivenness on us. Like, well, you should do A, B, C and D. And if you're not, you're being too lazy. And it's like, whoa, that, you know, now we're kind of feeling like we have to be forced into their way of doing life or their perspective. And I think we also, as we go to others, have to be careful for comparison. If, you know, if their goal is three times what ours is, suddenly our personal goal feels, if we're in that comparison mode, less relevant, less important. But maybe for them, that's a perfect goal for them and for us, it's still a perfect goal. But if we get into comparison mode or feel like they get us into that, we just have to be thoughtful about who are the people. Because this is. I think it's kind of personal when you say, here's an area of my life I'm trying to change because taken to the wrong person, they can become that. Like, well, I thought you were trying to change this. I thought, you know, and now they're kind of holding it over us or anytime we don't do what we said, it becomes a criticism. Like, I have to be mindful of who's involved that does, you know, if I say, man, I'm really not hitting at all what I hope to like, man, how can I help? Or I can understand why, or have you thought, you know, that's just really in my corner. And hopefully that is people that you're close to and around. But if you don't have that, I think that's where, you know, a pure desire group or finding a mentor, working with a counselor, those that. That have some perspective of, hey, I'm not here to change you, but I'm here to support you however I can in the things that you're working on and what God is doing in your life. So I hope everybody has people like that because if you do, then yeah, there's value in bringing to them. I tend to see it a little bit as an inside out that we start maybe with our own reflections, some solitude, time to put our thoughts together, maybe write a few things down and then take that to others. Because I find if I do it the other way, I'm too susceptible to the opinions of others like, oh, well, if that's what you think I should do, I'll just do that, you know, and then I'm not self reflecting as much as I'm just adopting what other people see. And so I think they have really, really valuable input. But if it doesn't begin with a little bit of my own self awareness and my willingness to engage, I'll probably, like I said, yeah, I'll be too willing to just try to be a people pleaser or perform for someone else versus my work. So I'd recommend considering kind of that inside out approach. Yes. Time in solitude, time alone, time to reflect, time to pray and then engaging other people in that process as part of your reflection and looking forward.

That's really good awareness and knowing yourself.

Yeah. Well, Heather, thank you for helping us be people who think deeply and reflect well. Is there any final advice you would give us as we wrap up this conversation on looking back and looking ahead?

So I guess my biggest piece of advice would be to do something. And even if you're in the midst of a recovery or healing journey and you've already been working on a lot of other things, there might be one thing, there might just be one thing that kind of is nagging at you or seems to just be floating around in your brain and maybe just pick up that one thing that might even be different than anything else that you're doing. But it's something that maybe you've wanted to work on. And I just, I would work on it, you know, not neglect it, not put it off. And whether you do that on your own or whether you invite somebody into that with you, I would just, I don't know, I think I always recommend do one thing, at least one new thing because you just never know how much it's going to impact your growth and your healing and really even what's going to happen to you or for you in the next year.

Yeah, yeah, I love that. I think what I would say is even if you fear making commitments or you're not sure if you're going to do any good at personal change or you just don't like the idea of resolutions, I think that's fine. I think there's a lot of value in just noticing, taking time to notice. What am I feeling? What am I experiencing? Maybe it's on a walk, maybe it's with a journal, maybe it's on a long drive. Just trying to notice what's going on in my heart, what's going on my mind. And even if you're not ready to do anything with it, there's some self awareness that comes from just noticing and then realizing that God sees that too and that God is for us. God is with us. He's. He's, as the scripture tells us, he's always working for our good and to, to bring us closer to him, to help us become more like Christ. And I think a lot of that begins with noticing. And we don't have to have a plan right away, but if we'd say, Lord, I can, I keep noticing this and I'm not even sure what to do with it right now or that I'm ready to do anything with it or that I'm willing to, you know, that's part of noticing. You know, Kurt Thompson talks a lot about that. We need to notice our noticing or becoming aware of our awareness that, Lord, I'm aware of something that is there in my life and I'm also aware that I don't actually want to do anything with it. Well, that's you. Even just that level of awareness, you've learned something more about yourself. So even if you don't think, change, goals work for you, resolutions work for you, that's fine. I think for all of us, just to notice, be aware will help us grow in ways that we might not expect. And so don't be afraid to take that time to let some activity pause and just say, God, what do you want me to notice about my life? And without having to make any commitments to it, just help me to see what you see. And then eventually believing you'll help me do as you're calling me to do.

I like that. It totally takes the pressure off to just notice and be aware.

Yeah, yeah. If we feel like we got to come out of it with three clear goals and a five step strategy. And I mean some people that's energizing other people, it's like, oh gosh, I think I'll just watch the football game. Well, Heather, thank you for being a part of this conversation. Always good to have you on the episode. And yeah, thank you for helping us think deeply about self reflection and the value of, you know, being in between maybe a year, a season and trying to learn from one and take that into the next.

Yeah. Thank you and Happy New Year.

Yeah. And to all of our listeners, Happy New Year to you. Hope this is a great year for you and your family and your loved ones. If you're a fan of the content, please subscribe. Share this with somebody. Write us a review. It helps people be aware of what we're doing and maybe that will be part of their change goal this year to listen to the Pure Desire podcast. If you want more information on our group resources or counseling, you can Visit us@puredesire.org Journey on my friends, you are not alone.