Authentic Self vs. Adaptive Self w/ Marilyn Vancil

That's kind of. I know a big part of what you train on, Marilyn, in your book, you call it the adapted self, or we have the. The authentic self. And so talk to us a little bit about that, like, what is our authentic self? What is the adapted self? And how could we learn to recognize the difference between those two?

Yeah, thank you, Nick. That, you know, you threw out some words there that are so important and it's freedom. And also that the Enneagram doesn't define us, but it does describe a pattern. It's a way of just understanding a pattern that we're in. And so it's so helpful that way. So the adapted self, the authentic self, similar to what you said, Nick, is we're created in God's image. We are created to experience and express. And I think we're all wired to have a, you know, just some of those stellar qualities that are a reflection of God's image. And when we live in those where there's a sense of freedom and peace and hope and all of those, you know, qualities that we all long to experience and that Jesus came to help us experience, you know, to show us the way to experience that. But our adapted self, I really, when I was writing the book and the false self language just didn't resonate with me because it felt like it was true. There was a truth to it. So it's false. Like it's just an illusion. It just gives me that word. That true self, false self just didn't resonate with me. And I started thinking, well, it's really the adapted self because when we're born into this world, we have to figure out how to survive, but we have to adapt. When we're born into this world, we're free, we're expansive, we're open. There's, you know, we see that in the newborn baby, how, you know, they're so, you know, ready to learn and grow, and that's the part of their survival. But we pretty soon in life we figure out, oh, that doesn't work, and that works, or that's a withholding of love. When I do that or when I do that, I get love, or what makes me help me stay safe or what gives me control. And so we adapt to the environment that we're in. Whatever it is, positive or negative, we adapt and we create this Persona that's really our self protection, our self survival. It's a strategy to navigate this world that we're thrown into and that we're a part of. And so it's an Important part of our human development. It's not, you know, that we're just simple. We have to be human and we have to figure out this. The world we live in. And then all of that becomes our ego, becomes our Persona, becomes our adaptive self. And we. It. I use the illustration my book. It's like a seed coat around a seed. And if you think about a seed that has this hard covering over the outside until the seed, which is really on the inside, and the place where there's going to be growth and fruitfulness will grow from that seed. But at a, you know, the seed has a hard shell, and we have to have that for a while, just get along. But that then that seed coat in transformation, really the movement to. To live more as our authentic self is letting go of all that seed coat that is there. And so that journey is really paying attention to what's my strategy or how am I striving to make myself somebody? And so that's what, you know, you asked about the adaptive self, authentic self. The growth from the adaptive self to the authentic self, really, to me, is spiritual transformation. Totally. Yeah.

And a lot of our listeners will be familiar with this concept, like if they've gone through the seven pillars of freedom for men, where a lot of listeners have used the genesis process. And in both of those workbooks, there's some lessons that invite you to look at what are the masks that I've worn. Whether it's an entertainer, a performer, class clown, the victim. They're just ways I've learned to kind of make it work. And I think that's one of the important takeaways of those lessons, is not to beat ourselves up or shame ourselves over this adaptive self or this mask, but to recognize, why did it work? Why did I learn that this was a way to either avoid pain or navigate life, or get a feeling of love or respect or appreciation. And then to me, the enneagram helps kind of define why certain masks were so important to us. We see why, like, oh, that's why I'm a performer. That's why I'm driven to do that. And rather than, again, shame ourselves over it, it's looking at why it worked and how we can grow and mature, that we could take off the mask. We could shed the seed coat and say, I don't need that to receive these things, because I'm learning to live out of a more true and authentic place. And so just to make that connection for a lot of our listeners, I think masks, false self, how we define it is Maybe less important than recognizing these things worked for me. And how instead, in a healthy way, can I find these things?

Yeah. And I love that. Getting down to below the surface of why was that important to me? Why did it work for me? And often it's really identifying what is the false narrative that I've believed that led me to this. You know, the lies, the deceptions that this. This felt like it worked, and it kind of did work, and then it stops working after a while, and it really turns around and. And does the opposite of what you hoped it would is it actually takes you out.

Yeah. And we know that. We know that in the recovery world, too, that we use our unwanted sexual behaviors, the things that there are ways to numb out the pain we've experienced or the trauma we experience in our childhood, our family of origin. And so that's what I love, personally, so much about the Enneagram, is it puts a lot of language to what.

We already.

Between, you know, two systems or two approaches. But I do see tons of overlap with how the Enneagram helps us understand ourselves and the ways that we've. I love the word you use, like protect, because that's really. Maybe I once experienced and don't want to again. So I love that overlap.

Sam.