The chunk is a transcript excerpt from a multi-speaker discussion about the difference between needs, boundaries, and consequences in the context of recovery and rebuilding trust. Speakers define needs (material/mental/emotional), boundaries (protections for needs), and consequences (results of actions tied to boundaries), and walk through an example where a need for safety leads to a boundary about interactions with other women, producing positive consequences like emotional intimacy and trust. The conversation emphasizes that consequences can be positive or negative, that boundaries should be framed around needs and healthy outcomes, and that the process of identifying needs and applying boundaries is often messy during early healing.
So we've talked about all three of them so far. But what do you guys see as the difference between a need, a consequence, and a boundary? And basically when should we use one over another?
I think that a need is something that is material. It's physical, it's mental, it's emotional, it can even be spiritual. A boundary is something that protects those needs, and then a consequent is a result of the action that is relating to the boundaries that you've set. So they all three really work together and they're all necessary. But generally in sequence, it would be, I'm going to identify my need, I'm going to build a boundary based off of that need. And then the consequences, which we always assume are bad, there's good consequences to our choices. So the consequence is really just the, the just the action that takes place after those are said.
So just to like, maybe help think through this a little bit more, let's use that example and let's say that, you know, you set a boundary. Let's say you set a boundary. Dan, you're not going to talk to, I don't want you to talk to other women outside of business. So let's just walk through it. What would be your need? What's your need at the core of that?
It depends on where I am in the process because. And we'll get into this a little bit, you know, needs being based off of emotions versus being based off of our values. So at the time that I had set that, quite honestly, it was based off of emotions. So there wasn't initially necessarily a very healthy boundary because of my motivation behind it. Ultimately, what I needed from Dan was an understanding that he had an awareness of how he engages in relationships to other women. It really wasn't about controlling his behavior at work. It was the need to feel safe knowing that he was working on his awareness about how he was connecting with other women outside of relationship with me.
So the need is safety. The boundary then becomes your interaction with women at work, and then the consequence. And again, this is just trying to help flesh it out. What would be the positive consequence of keeping that boundary?
Emotional intimacy and trust. So when I know that he is working on his awareness, when I know that he is, even if he's not executing with 100% accuracy, when I know that he's working toward it, I can trust, trust that. Because right now my, my world is upside down. And I think I mentioned this before. There, there's this emotional vertigo that you kind of go into and, and the only Thing you can really hold on to are the facts. You know, are his actions lining up with what he's saying. So when he went, that was the positive consequence of him coming back and saying, I was aware that I did this today, or I was aware that I did that. That is telling me that brings me emotional safety and relational intimacy. When I know that my husband is honoring the fact that I. That we are both working towards awareness together.
Yeah, go.
I just say I like how you said that, Trevor, because it brings up that consequences are both positive and negative, that our behaviors and decisions always have consequences. It's just if we're following healthy boundaries, the consequences are good. In terms of a growing relationship, rebuilding trust with my spouse, creating healthy habits for my own life. And we want to focus on. That's why I'm creating boundaries is not to limit my freedoms or take away my, you know, whatever it is I want to be able to do. It's to see I'm choosing instead the healthy outcomes that I probably won't get to if I continue to make these old choices. So that I think really can help couples frame the conversation of. Let's cast the vision for the positive side of if. If I know that, you know, to the. To our example here, the conversations you're having at a private, intimate level with a woman are only with me. That's going to strengthen our relationship. It's going to build trust. We're going to have more fun. Well. Well, then the other spouse, the Dan in the story can be like, oh, well, I like that. That's a good outcome. Let's work on that and be more proactive about creating those healthy boundaries.
Yeah, I think oftentimes what it feels like I hear in group is a guy saying, my wife hit me with all these boundaries.
Rules, basically.
Rules. And I can't do this and I can't do that. Otherwise she's going to do this. And what gets lost in there is what are the boundaries intended to do? What's the need that they are fulfilling? And we. It's hard to have those conversations, especially at the beginning of the healing process, because we're just trying to figure out our needs. We know what triggers us or what makes us angry. And oftentimes it doesn't. Even if it's said it's not. The communication doesn't necessarily stick on how is this actually going to help? All I see is I'm being told what to do. Like you were saying, even if I agree with it, I'm like, well, I hope you enjoy it that I'm doing what you say.
