A multi-speaker YouTube discussion (hosted by Nick Stumbo) addressing how Christian singles should understand and steward sexual desire. Speakers argue against repressing sexuality entirely, propose naming sexual identity outside marriage as part of God's design, and encourage channeling desires healthily whether awaiting marriage or choosing lifelong singleness. They also push back against treating marriage as the sole marker of a full life, affirm historical value placed on celibacy, and note that both single and married Christians face discipleship challenges around desire, self-control, and identity. Personal anecdotes illustrate finding non-sexual sources of fulfillment and the need for a whole-person identity apart from marital status.
Yeah, sometimes the message we give single people is, if you're not married, just. Just keep a lid on it. And all those thoughts or desires, like, just keep it pushed down. And I think people feel like they are pushing down on that lid as hard as they can. And then, you know, something goes outside. It's like, oh, no, push it back down and just repress it. And obviously, if we're single, we do need to be cautious about what we expose ourselves to or what. What stirs up desire in a way that we're not ready for. You know, Song of Solomon says, do not awaken love until it pleases, until the right time. But. But at the same time, we're not giving people language to understand that I am sexual outside of marriage. God made me. And being able to look at our desires, many of them, as being rooted in God's creation and God's goodness, and having single people have the freedom to ask the question, God, how can I channel. Like you said, how can I channel this desire in a healthy and good way, even while I'm waiting for a day where I might be married or if I feel called to lifelong singleness? And I've. I've mentioned that, too, to many guys in group, especially as a single guy, is wrestling with kind of treating marriage as the ultimate finish line in life. Well, if I'm not married, I'm living a lesser life. And I say, man, I. I'm so glad that Jesus didn't feel that way. And many of the prophets and apostles that, as far as we know, were never married, never had sex, and I don't think we would look at them and say, well, you lived kind of a half life because you never got married. You know, really, in every generation of the church before this one, it feels like there was a very high value on celibacy and on people that would actually choose celibacy as a way of honoring Christ and serving him. If someone does that now, it's like, what's wrong with you? Why would you do that? Because we've so platformed marriage versus seeing that man. We can be sexual and single and do it in a healthy way. And I think there's a lot of work to be done to kind of reimagine that in today's day and age.
Yeah, and I want to use your fancy word, bifurcation, too. You know, we sort of have bifurcated conversations about sexuality to married people, people and single people. And I think that's really a mistake, because I think what even our singles need to Recognize and understand is that marriage is not a sexual free for all. And that when you get married you have new challenges of how do I channel my desires, how do I love my spouse? We're gonna have mismatched desires. We're still going to have, you know, desires that we need to submit to the Lord because they're wrong. And, and so I think when we get singles and marri, we can both appreciate. Wow. That it's. Where's there's struggles both ways. Like, like there's discipleship and self control and surrender required for both the single Christian and married Christian. And so I think those conversations help flesh that out and we can really learn from one another.
Yeah, that's such a good point. I will say that I. I'll say, oh, I was a single after sex because I was divorced and so I had to live in that, like, land where you figured out what that looked like for four or five years. And, and even in marriage, because with marriage, like you're saying, the challenges as a betrayed spouse, there's been seasons where sexual intimacy was not part of our game. Or as a wildland firefighter, my husband will go away all summer and. And just having to figure out in those seasons what that looks like to be a sexual single in my marriage. And. And I got a good picture of this the other day because my husband John, he was building a little roof cover thing for our. In our whole house generator, you know, so it could stay next to our house. And he felt so just like I am, man. I just built this roof. And he actually went on our property and like, cut down small trees and built the whole thing out of small trees from our property. And we had some extra metal. He didn't spend anything. I mean, it was very impressive. But I saw, saw this just like genuine fulfillment and joy in him that night where it was like, hey, kids, let's do our Bible. Do you want to play a game? Do you want to. He's like, do you want to carve pumpkins? I'm like, it's 9 o' clock at night. But he was just this engaged version of himself that was so joyful. And other seasons I can see him really struggling to, like, need something, need a video game, need a movie. Just this discontentment. And I was like, watching this. I didn't articulate it to him, but I said he found something that made him feel like he was really tapping into this creativity that God has given him, this individuality. It doesn't involve me. It's his own thing. And I just saw it give him genuine like hit all the pleasure, you know, parts of his brain. And at some point I was like, you need to go to bed. He's like, my dopamine is on full blown, you know, and I'm just, it was really cool to see that and so, and relating that back to when I was single. It's so important to have your own identity as a whole person outside of your spouse, whether you're married or single, and just be able to keep all of those different buckle buckets, spiritual, physical, emotional, non sexual, touch full and so that you, you're not feeling deprived in, in any intimacy.
