This YouTube video (Nick Stumbo, July 24, 2024) features a panel-style conversation—primarily Tracy with other hosts—about what couples should do immediately after one partner confesses an addiction. Key recommendations: prioritize emotional safety and nervous-system stabilization; seek external support (trained counselor or peer groups such as Pure Desire); establish and respect clear boundaries; the struggling spouse should pursue sobriety and professional help; and both partners must treat the discovery as a significant opportunity for change rather than minimize it.
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So, Tracy, it's often the case that when people come to pure desire, it's because they are in that discovery phase or crisis. Or maybe even this podcast got recommended to them because a friend heard what they've discovered and they're like, I just heard a podcast about that and you should go listen. So what would you give an overview of what you encourage couples to do in this time of crisis or shortly after discovery? What. What kind of steps should they be taking?
Well, I think about just going back to what you said about the brain and how our. And the trauma response and even our nervous system safety and stabilization of our emotions is just like, first thing, because the traumatized brain or the, you know, our brain, when it feels unsafe, it really can't start processing and healing. And that's okay. That's, you know, God designed it that way. That's where. That's where it's supposed to be. But starting with just, okay, how do I feel a little bit safe? Right. Because my main person that's I'm supposed to feel safe from, my secure attachment here has betrayed me. And I'm not feeling that from them. I'm feeling like I don't know who you are. I don't know if you're honest in other areas. Right. All these things are coming up for me. How do I then create some safety? And so I think two really big pieces are support and boundaries. So support from someone with specialized training, someone who's been through it, has had some healing, and you trust them, you can find that you maybe immediately don't know someone like that. If you're on this podcast, you know, pure desire is available. Right. And so you're reaching out to somebody who has some training around that and can help you, and then setting boundaries. Most people are just going to need support with that, too. How do I set boundaries? But just to start at the beginning of, like, what do I need that I can take control of to help me feel safe? And then beyond that, can I ask for my partner for some things and that might be space for you? Because we don't initially usually know what that is, but we can ask for space or we can ask for some basics until we can get to some support or read a resource or something that helps us kind of take the next steps.
Yeah. And I think it's important, too, on the other side, for the struggling spouse, that there are steps that they need to take as well. I mean, I think absolutely to what you're saying, there needs to be a respect of the Boundaries, which is extremely challenging for an addict after discovery because. And in a lot of ways, they feel like they just vomited and got it all off their chest. They feel great. Like they're ready to kind of just like, let's tackle this thing together. And so there has to be a respect of boundaries. But to your point, also, there does need to be a step of trying to establish sobriety for that struggling spouse, whether that is seeking professional help with a therapist or a clinician, someone specific in this area, or joining a pure desire group. And I mean, that's something that, if you're listening right now and this is where you're at, that's exactly why we have peer desire counseling. That's exactly why we have in person and online groups for both the betrayed partner and the addicted spouse. And so it's important that both spouses find ways to take steps forward. But you're right, as far as the house, like, safety and boundaries have to be established first if there's ever going to be a hope that this marriage gets back together.
And I hope that struggling person wants to get help and they're ready to reach out. Everybody. It can be a different place in their journey, but to reach out and say, okay, how do I get help? The betrayed partner is going to, you know, maybe ask, like, a boundaries or request. Right. So they're going to ask the person, this is what I need to help me feel safe. And then that struggling partner, it's up to them to say, am I willing to make the adjustments, to keep growing, to do that for my partner so we can grow? So I definitely. Those are, like, initial pieces that are needed and helpful. Yeah.
And I was going to say about the struggling spouse, it made me think of a movie that came out with Paul Rudd a few years back called how do youo Know? And in the movie, he's, like, accused of securities fraud or, you know, some Wall street thing. And as he's leaving the office, he's facing these charges. A co worker calls him, and he says, I've been where you are, and I just want you to know, like, you need to let this be big. This is a really big deal. And he's like, oh, thanks a lot. That's great. But in that struggling spouse's mindset, there's a part of us that we've lived in a lot of secrecy and shame. And when we're discovered, a big part of us wants to minimize it. Like, I got it out there. I'm kind of glad I got caught. And now she knows, and I want to be forgiven and move on. And let's. Let's, like, let's kind of squash this and not have to face it. And there is a reality where, if we've been discovered in it, we need to see that this is big, and we need to let it be big. And we need to face it like it's big. Because the truth is, and as we've seen, for so many couples, this can be, in a really good way, a defining moment in your marriage and in your life. If you let it. If you let it be big. And because of that, then you'll do the work to reach out for help, to call a counselor, to look for a group, because those things take time and investment of energy and money. And there's a part of us, we just need to acknowledge it, that doesn't want to do that. But if we realize this is big and we lean in, it could be life changing. And we've also seen the flip side where someone, they came through a first time, and they so pushed it away that they have to come back five years later. You know, I was even thinking of Robert Vandermeer. That's his story. The first time one of our counselors, the first time he met with Ted Roberts, Ted kicked him out of the office. And he will say in a story, I wasn't ready, and I had to go through some more pain and lose that marriage for God to get a hold of my life. And so if you are a discovered spouse who's listening to this episode, I hope you could take that to heart. Like, this is big, and you need to let it be big so that it can have the impact in your life that God wants it to have.
