In this interview‑style YouTube segment, host Nick Stumbo talks with parent‑author Ashley (and a third participant, Speaker C) about how to adapt sex‑ and puberty‑related conversations—commonly called “the talk”—to children’s differing personalities and comfort levels. Ashley likens her four children to cats, illustrating how some kids are curious and outgoing while others are shy or resistant. She shares a range of tactics: one‑on‑one car conversations, group “sex talk” nights with friends, pizza evenings, video viewings, and a regular “spill the tea” discussion format. She emphasizes persistence—continuing the dialogue even when a child seems uninterested—because kids often absorb information subconsciously and later demonstrate understanding. Real‑life anecdotes include a reserved son later discussing brain and pornography with peers, and a group of teenage friends who cherished the weekly sex‑talk nights. Speaker C reinforces the value of creating consistent, safe spaces for these talks. Nick adds a metaphor about “backup quarterbacks,” arguing that parents themselves are the essential, reliable source for these conversations and that children listen more than they appear to. The overall message is that tailoring the approach, using peer influence when helpful, and maintaining consistent, loving communication can make “the talk” effective across personality types.
Chapters
So Ashley, we've all got different kinds of kids: outspoken, introverted, curious, shut down, you know, people, kids that are really comfortable expressing their emotions, some that aren't, kids that have been exposed to content really early in life, some that haven't. So can you talk to us a little bit about different approaches that parents can take with kids who have different personalities or levels of willingness to engage in conversations like this.
Yeah, I, um, this is my favorite, one of my favorite, I guess, uh, obstacles to help parents work through. I will say that, that kids are like cats, um, because you have some that are really snuggly and some that like scratch you and you try to pick them up, and you've got some that like hide under the couch and wait for you to just leave the food and walk away so they can come out and get it. And so I know it's too much about cats, and unfortunately unfortunately I had to become a cat mom. But, um, I— they're— they— that's what it reminds me of. And so I've got 4 kids and I've got the set of twins, and I say they had the same dysfunctional mom, the same single mom, the same unhealthy mom, then the same mom that was getting healthy and going back and apologizing. And so they're my little control group, but they have— they have completely different personalities. One is the cat where I leave them the food and then I walk away and he peeks his head out, tests it. And the other one is like the one that's under your feet when you're walking and always pawing at you. And, and so that's their personalities. And then my two younger ones are a little bit the same. One's more reserved. And so I found that just doing all versions of creating that culture of conversation, just letting it land however. And so, um, I'll talk about things openly with all 4 of the kids, and then sometimes if I just have one in the car, or I know I'm gonna have one in the car, I'm like, I'm gonna bring that conversation up with Ayla, my daughter. Or, um, I will do group studies, so I'll bring the friends in. Uh, like, Ayla did not want to have any part of writing this book, but the moment I said, okay, you don't have to help me, I'm gonna get your cousin and your, your 3 best friends to help me, she was like, wait, I'm not gonna be left out. And so then as soon as her friends started talking, she started talking, and It really helped our relationship a lot. And so I'm all about bringing friends over if a group helps them have conversation. I did pizza nights and showed them videos, or we'd have discussions about what's going on at school. We call it spill the tea. Let's spill the tea and talk about what all the kids are doing. And then there's the one-on-one conversations. And so just know that they're listening. And even if they're reserved and they're quiet and they don't respond, they do hear you. And so my kid, who, um, never responded, said he didn't really care about this stuff. I would still talk with him. I'd still do the group nights for the teens. And then a couple years later, I could overhear him telling his friends things that he learned about the brain and pornography. And I'm like, okay, he is listening.
And so you're listening.
Yes, just keep trying. Just keep trying.
It's fun to hear you talk about this stuff because, you know, we've been friends for 10 years, and so to be there when you would call and say, "The group was over and this is what we talked about and this is it and we need to write more about this 'cause this is real." And then to hear you—
Yes.
And then to hear you talk about it and even write those things into your book to say, this isn't just something that we thought was a great idea. This is something that I've lived, that I did with my kids, that these are the things that I realized These are the things that, you know, always, especially with teenagers, you know, bring food and, you know, just how does it work? And it's okay if it doesn't look exactly the same every single week, but it's that idea that you just keep creating that space. And it's been great to watch you live that out and model it so well with your kids.
Yeah, you got a lot of those phone calls. And I recommended a few books to the parents I was helping the other week. That you recommended to me 8 years ago when the kids had just hit 14. And, um, last year, all the 4 of the boys that I did these, uh, groups with, my twins and then their friends, they lived together after high school. So they were 21 last year, and I had gone there to meet one of my son's girlfriends who flew in, and their roommate/childhood best friend said, oh, this is Mama Ashley, and she would always host our sex nights. And I mean, that sounds really bad, our sex talk nights. Um, she would always host our sex talk nights. Good clarification. He said they were some of my favorite nights of the week. I loved it. And I like, I didn't know, again, I did not know that they were listening, that it made an impact. I just thought it was like a boring thing I made them do. And here he is telling the girlfriend like, I loved having those nights to talk about that stuff. And so you, you have to put the information out there. Like, like pastors, and Nick, you know this, you can't just expect that people are going to come forward without anybody showing the way first, if it's something that's scary or they fear being rejected or shut down or, you know, condemned. And so we have to offer, offer the information regularly.
I'm really glad you said that, Ashi, because I think that experience of I tried this, it didn't go well, so I give up is maybe common for parents. I don't know if either of you have seen it, but there's on TV right now commercials that say like, wouldn't it be great if you could have a backup for everything in life? And there's these NFL backup quarterbacks that like fill in to back up the car, uh, to take family photos, or one of them is a backup quarterback to be a better friend and listener. And, and he comes in, he's all like, tell me more. And I, I was thinking of that because I think parents would probably like to have a backup quarterback for these conversations where they're like, could somebody else do this? Because I've tried it and it just bombed. But the reason I'm telling that illustration is because of what you said, Ashley. Your kids are listening more than you think. Yes, I really believe that somehow in the way God designed our human relationships, no matter what level of relationship you think you have with your kids, there is some part of them that God designed to care about what you are saying and what you communicate to them. And even when they give like a blank face or walk away and you're like, well, that didn't land, they probably heard more than you realize. And so you don't need someone else to have this conversation because you're the mom. Yes, you are the dad. And even if you feel like you've bombed this in the past, they are listening. And if you will take steps, if you will make an effort, they're going to hear it more than you believe. And so if you can have that, that confidence in you, you can step in and you don't need to wait for the backup quarterback. You can go in and have that conversation and trust that God will use it when it comes from a heart to help your kids and to love them. God will use it to help them take those, uh, steps and to navigate this better.
I really love that you touched on that, Nick, because, um, it made me think for the people who are single mom or single dad or a widow, you know, we get parents, uh, moms that come up to me and say, well, I have all boys, or dads, I have all girls. You're going to work with what whatever you have. Like, at Pure Desire, we create resources so that whatever you need, use it in a way that just helps you get going. And so if it doesn't work for you to have a mom and a dad, and dad sit down with the sons and mom to sit down with the daughters, and you go through this book perfectly, adapt it to a way that works. Read it and just talk with your kids organically, or highlight things and say, you know, next time I have some time, I'm going to bring up this conversation with them, or Like with Ayla and Waylon, when they were younger, they had a hard time, you know, eyeball to eyeball sitting down and having a conversation with me because the twins had each other and they had this big group of friends so they could kind of blend in when I was talking with them. Um, and so I found that having Ayla write her answers and then I write my answers and we switch, we would leave journals under each other's pillows at night with, at night with, uh, answers that really helped. And I just heard her tell a friend the other day, I used to scream and run away every time my mom would say the word puberty. And I was like, yeah, I remember. But I just kept pressing, like, we're gonna keep having these conversations, we're gonna keep having them. And now it's funny even just to hear her tell her friends how our relationship around these conversations has developed. But it would be so easy to just give up and not want to do it anymore. [MUSIC] [MUSIC]
