In this recorded conversation, moderator Nick Stumbo interviews participants (Speaker B and Speaker C) about the role of a Pure Desire recovery group in overcoming sexual addiction. Speaker B recounts how hearing the Pure Desire podcast sparked the realization that a group was essential for healing, describing a year‑and‑a‑half journey before joining. The discussion details the group’s structured “Secrets” lesson (Pillar 1), where members read aloud personal secrets at their own pace, and the flexible weekly homework that lets participants process emotions quickly or slowly. The participants describe how the group’s non‑judgmental, appreciative responses to disclosures reduce shame, counteract the fear of being scrutinized, and create a collective honesty that fuels recovery. Speaker C reflects on the contrast between secret‑keeping and open confession, citing Dr. Adrian Hickman’s line about unconditional listening. Overall, the conversation illustrates how a Pure Desire group provides a safe, paced, and supportive environment that transforms shame into healing through structured sharing, honest storytelling, and community validation.
Chapters
So you, you know, you find a Pure Desire group, you start to take some steps. I shouldn't say found a group, you found the podcast. What did it look like to start taking steps out of that hole? And how was a Pure Desire group a part of that process?
Yeah, no, I mean, and I got to be honest here, Nick, I think from the second I heard that podcast, I knew I need to be in a Pure Desire group because this is actually a place where I think I could actually find healing. Truthfully, the only other real solution that I knew of that would stop me from going and purchasing people's bodies in order to pleasure myself was if I was no longer alive. Yeah. And, you know, so I was out on a run here in the Gorge listening to this podcast and like, you know, I remember where I was on the trail as just hope starts crashing over me. Um, and I'm a little thick, and so like from that podcast I was locked in. I know I need to be in a group, and it took me another year and a half, um, another failed relationship, uh, that is one of my top 10 most painful moments is that breakup. Um, and And just the invitation to anyone who's listening of, yeah, it took me a year and a half to get into a group knowing like this is my number one priority in life.
Already knowing that was the route to healing.
Yeah, this is the route to healing and I know this is what I need.
And we still drag our feet. I know what that feels like.
Still drag my feet. Yeah, and I remember getting into this group and the first meeting we're all kind of like, yeah, we're gonna share our stories a little bit. And so we're sharing different things and kind of, you know, they're, they're pretty garbled stories, but it's, you know, I grew up here and I looked at a lot of porn and, you know, I've got some sexual brokenness and, you know, we all know why we're here. This is good. And we're like, but we all, I think we just connected fairly well. And I remember we get to the, the Secrets lesson, Pillar 1, and one of the guys in group, he's just like, well, he pulls out his book and he just reads every single one of his secrets. And I— he went after me. I remember just sitting there like frozen. Oh, no. He just went and jumped in and I didn't. I went before him, so I can't— I can't go now. And I was like, like, everyone gets done.
You didn't go there. You didn't go.
I didn't go there. I just shared like, you know, 2 or 3 that were like the safe secrets. Yeah, a little— some safe ones, just kind of testing the waters. And then he just— he just jumps right in. Totally. And I was like, okay guys, I got to go again. And just pulled up that sheet and again, feeling numb but a little bit connected to my emotions and just read those secrets off. And I think what group was for me is you have this homework time where you can go at whatever pace you want to go. And there's some places where, man, I'm going really quick because my brain's just going a million miles a minute. I'm writing really fast and I'm reading really fast. And there's other places where you just stop and you gotta sit there and reread a line and marinate in it and think about your answer to a question. And I could just go at whatever pace I wanted and then go really fast and go really slow and just go back and forth. And then when I would get to group and I would read it, that's when all of a sudden I would feel what was actually happening and feel the weight of letting someone know, like, man, I'm just reading through this list of, hey, like you said, bestiality. There's other things in my story of like, things with people that I'm related to. There's, you know, just like you just go—
purchasing. Yeah, keep going.
Purchasing sex, you know, visiting sex clubs, going and looking at that genre of pornography. I mean, you name the genre, I've probably been there at least once. And, and that's embarrassing. But then to show up in group and every week, you know, you say something new, you're like, oh, well, I got to— now I got to share that part of my story.
Here we go.
Here we go. And the guys, in the most loving way possible, they just look at me, say, well, Thanks for sharing. Like it's no big deal. And then we just move on to the next person. And that was so healing for me. It wasn't a dismissal of like, oh, you know, we don't care about what you're saying. It was just like this. Yeah, me too. Like, that's, that's what we're here to deal with. Let's move on with the lesson. And that felt so freeing. And just every week just chipped away at an absolute mountain of shame that I was feeling.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because I think we fear in a group situation like that, if I tell that secret or that number of secrets, it's like the whole group's gonna come to a screeching halt. We're gonna be like, "Wait a minute, we need to get into that." And everyone's gonna be finding out, "Well, why'd you do this?" And that fear, I think, of being under a microscope or under the spotlight for what we've done, that's kind of what we feel we deserve of like, yeah, just, and that sense of like, to be truthful means I've gotta just be dissected by people poking at it, "Why'd you do this?" And I think that can actually keep people from going to that moment of like, this is just gonna be too much. But when we're in a group environment that's kind of structured the way a Pure Desire group is, and that thought of, We're all here to share those kind of things. And yet that's not, like you said, not to minimize or act like it didn't exist, but to be like, "Yeah, thanks for sharing. That's amazing. And who else?" And then often you hear the other guy share something similar. You're like, "Oh, you?" Totally. And you, and you, and you're like, "Okay." It kind of, it decreases that shame and that fear of like, "This is such a big deal. I can't even say it out loud." To be like, "In my story, yes, it's a big deal." But in terms of recovery, it's just part of getting it out there. And it doesn't have to be this crazy thing that everybody focuses on me because we're all there focusing on our own story, which is actually what's healing everybody else when they hear us all being honest together.
Yeah.
It just makes me think the power of secrecy and the sickness that it brings and the equal or greater power of honesty and the health that it brings. In your own reflection as you're doing the homework, as well as when you're now getting to verbally share it. It's like I'm stating that this happened. It's not just this secretive journal. I'm now putting this out there into the world and seeing how it lands. And it makes me think of Dr. Adrian Hickman's line, tell me whatever you want and my eyes won't change.
