A conversational transcript of a YouTube video in which two hosts discuss finding a partner who "won't hurt" you, focusing on sexual struggles (pornography, masturbation), recovery, honesty, and realistic expectations in marriage. They emphasize that everyone has issues, the importance of recovery work and plans, mutual honesty about triggers, and seeking community support rather than entering relationships under false pretenses.
My next question says, it seems like all men struggle with sex or porn. How do I find a guy who won't hurt me?
I know, right? The million dollar question.
I remember when this came out with John because I felt like, okay, after all these guys that, like, it didn't work out with because I was a love addict. We all know that. And then I finally married this Christian guy and then when I found out he struggled too. I'm like, they're all bad. Every single one of them. They're all bad. And that actually was a good revelation for me because I did realize to some extent we are all bad. We all have issues. If it's not porn, it could be something else. But we are sinners married to sinners. We all struggle. And that's really the mindset to have, is that you're going to go into a marriage and your person is going to hurt you and you are going to hurt them. But having the tools and being healthy, which means I know my issues, I'm working on them. These are my plans. This is what I've done. That's what health looks like. It's not. Here's my list of things I've never done, and here's my list of things I've done.
Right.
That it's really about what you're doing with it. And honestly, I would rather have somebody who knows their stuff and has a plan and has worked with it because there's no guarantee that you get married and stuff doesn't come up. But if you already have that, I guess that like recovery work ethic, that you're going to always be honest with your spouse, you're going to tackle issues together, you're going to never just let your marriage stay stagnant. That's really what you want to look for in a marriage.
Yeah, well, and especially when we have like some of the statistics, some of the research right now is showing that women are, you know, there's increase in women who are using porn and masturbation and, and they have other sexual history, which could also be something that they don't want to disclose to a new relationship because they don't want to be judged or, or lose the relationship. And so it really does go both ways. I mean, it sounds sad when pornography hurts people, you know, because it does. It seems like it always hurts somebody, not just ourselves, but it hurts the people that we love or want to be in relationship with. And it just is a super hard topic to have, conversation to have. But again, if you've been in group. And. And you know that, okay, I'm pursuing this area of health. And then you get into a relationship, you can even say, you know, I know that a lot of people struggle in this way, and I know that this is a trigger of mine, and I'm working on it. Because don't expect that you're not gonna be triggered by it. Cause you will be, because you have woundedness attached to it. But it just is being healthy and having that awareness to recognize that, okay, this is definitely one of my triggers. And I'm gonna try not to freak out, but having those conversations from a healthy place is gonna be the best way.
Yeah. And it seems like it'd be almost a prison to go into a marriage pretending you have everything all together. Because then you have to just struggle secretly. You can't be honest with your boyfriend or girlfriend. And you remember all those cute young girls that we meet at conferences? Like, my boyfriend's in a Seven Pillars group, and do you think I should get in a group? And should I even be thinking about marrying him? And it's like, yes.
Brought you to this conference.
He's in fruit. You got a good one or not? Yes. Yeah. It's so. It's good that they're honest.
That one is so good. But again, it's one of those things that talk with people, talk with other women about it so that you have support, so that you know how to handle this. If it ends up being a situation in your relationship, it.
