This multi-speaker YouTube discussion argues that pornography is reshaping boys' and men's understanding of masculinity, with pervasive early exposure (averaging around age 9) and platform-driven inundation (e.g., TikTok). Speakers report that porn normalizes objectifying, pleasure-centered male sexual scripts that pressure women and girls to enact harmful acts, and that young girls are already developing defenses against mistreatment. The conversation links porn use to domestic abuse patterns, critiques older marriage advice that individualized blame onto wives, and recommends confronting sexual sin through Christian accountability structures (Matthew 18) rather than placation. The speakers call for cultural change and institutional accountability while still holding individuals morally responsible.
How does pornography impact a person's view of masculinity?
Yes, and unfortunately, boys are being exposed to it now by about age 9 on average.
Younger than ever.
Yes, younger than ever. It's on his phone and it's his videos, it's everywhere. And young girls, there were things that I couldn't fit into the book, you know, or it would be too big. But I had anecdotes of young girls who in grade school were coming across their male fellow students, 9 year old, 10 year old, watching pornography on the phone during a break between classes. And the girls saying, oh, gross. Because what's happening on the phone is not something that any of those girls would want themselves to be involved in. So they're having to already build up defenses against being misused and mistreated at a very young age as well. So I do think it's one of the ways in which you can say we want men to grow up to be considerate, respectful, responsible, and we're not giving them the tools to do it. And I think that instead of just blaming boys, you know, especially when it comes to them at such a young age, that they don't always know right from wrong yet it's the culture that is, is giving them, is feeding them this, this things like pornographic literature and so on, pornographic films, pornography. On TikTok. There was a, there was a study done just recently, so it's not in the book, but some researchers created some fake avatars on TikTok and presented them as 13 year olds. Within days, they were inundated with porn and sex trafficking kind of messages and transgenderism and they were just totally inundated. This is what our young people are inundated with today. And so, yes, I do think you're right that porn is distorting the sexual impulse in men. And they are asking women to act out the images that they're seeing in porn, often without even realizing that it's disrespectful, that it's objectifying, that women don't like it, that it's sometimes even painful, some of the activities they want women to act out with them. So it's having an incredibly negative impact on women and, and young girls.
Yeah, yeah. I just, I mean, going back to the kind of the James Bond thing, like it's that idea of we are objectifying a specific, you know, gender and making it more about the man's pleasure and making it more about what he can get and the conquests and things like that. I, you know, I definitely see how that Is. And I remember this from a blog our founder wrote years ago, that pornography is just. It was at the height of the Harvey Weinstein and the Me Too stuff that we're just recreating more and more of that we're creating more and more of men who take advantage of people, push themselves onto others because of pornography, because of what it's doing to our culture. And it's interesting, I hadn't thought of it that way. That also, when young girls are seeing this, they're also saying, oh, this is what must be normal. Therefore, I need to sort of allow myself to partake in that.
Yeah. Well, it makes me think of what Pastor Andy Stanley says, that in our culture, we bait men right up to the line and then we beat them for stepping over it. So we through, you know, James Bond movies and pornography and a world that teaches men, get the girl, have all the sex, be the champion. You know, it's all about your pleasure. I mean, that's the world of pornography. And then when a man actually acts that way, we're like, shame on you. You're toxic. You're what's wrong with our culture. And I think what I hear you saying, Nancy, is that we have to take a hard look at our culture and say, are we creating some of these patterns of toxic masculinity by what we allow, by what's shaping our media and our. This underworld of pontific, that until we take a serious stand against it, we're going to continue to get the product of it that we're getting. And that's not in any way to excuse men that behave badly or say, oh, you're not responsible for your poor choice, like, they totally are. But I think it's just taking a hard look at why are we creating this kind of man often in our culture? Well, they're being trained that way.
Yes. And since I deal with nominal men, I acknowledge the existence of nominal men, and they. And they are actually worse than secular men. I do have to deal some with domestic abuse and violence, which often doesn't involve porn. A lot of cases, the man involved is doing porn. And so I have a couple of chapters at the end of the book on. On abusive marriages, too, and. And how. How we can hold men accountable when they are actually sinning. You know, when they're sinning, like doing porn, adultery, and disrespectful and abusive behavior to the wives as well. And unfortunately, until recently, books on marriage often tended to hold the wife responsible, like, it's your job to satisfy him to make him happy to have sex whenever he wants to, want you to cook his favorite foods, to be submissive, to die to yourself, et cetera, et cetera. And I have lots of stories from women who say this is the advice they got. Well, it doesn't work. And we know that doesn't work because on the, you know, a playground bully, you don't. He doesn't change if you're kind to him, if you forgive him, if you acquiesce to him. We know it in international affairs. If there's a belligerent nation, we learned this in World War II. If there's a belligerent nation, you don't placate and appease them. It doesn't work. And so, fortunately, more and more books are now coming out saying, actually, the way to handle this is Matthew 18. Matthew 18 is the passage on how to deal with sin in the body of Christ. Oddly enough, it's not usually applied to marriage, but it should be. So Matthew 18. For people who haven't memorized it, this is that chapter, the verse that says, if somebody sins against you, you confront them, you talk to them, and if they don't listen to you, bring a few more witnesses. And if they don't listen to them, then bring it before the church. So some form of confrontation and saying, no, this is not acceptable is the first way is. Is the way that we need to deal with abusive marriage that are. That are. That often do involve sexual sin as well. And like I say, I. If you want some good books on the subject, go to my footnotes, go to my endnotes, because it's very recent. I mean, my whole life growing up, I always heard the other message. You know, it's a woman's job. If he's doing porn, it's your fault. You know, you're not cooking good at.
Home, he won't go out to eat. That kind of metaphor.
Exactly. And fortunately, Christian counselors are now starting to say, no, it's the man, if a man is sinning, or a woman. But like you said, statistically, it's more often than man. If a man is sinning, you deal with the sin. And husband and wife are first of all brother and sister in the Lord, and they need to hold each other accountable, just like they would with any fellow Christian. The more specialized relationship of marriage doesn't destroy or contradict that. You know, it should be on top of that, you still are brother and sister in the Lord and have the same accountability to each other.
