How Scripture Can Be Applied To Healthy Sex | Pure Desire Ministries

So along these lines, what a lot of our listeners might be hearing is the words from First Corinthians, chapter 7, verse 5. It gets pulled out in a lot of situations or contexts like this that says, do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Often in the church, we've heard this passage taught that sex should not be withheld, especially by the wife, it seems. And there are times even maybe a husband or wife, a wife might pull that out as like, this wild card of no, you have to say yes. So what kind of thoughts do you guys have about the purpose of that verse and how can it rightly be applied in a relationship?

I think that that's a great question because it is often misused. And it's one of those things that I think that, like you said, for women, that they feel like, okay, well, the Bible says that I have to have sex with my husband every time he wants sex. And that's not at all what that's saying. But I think that also withholding sex from your spouse is not healthy, especially if it's something where it's not that agreed upon time period. And it's one of those things, too, that that scripture to me is focusing on our health. Let's step back. Let's take sex off the table for however long we agree so that we both can be healthy, so we can get our minds in a healthy place and our hearts in a healthy place, and maybe invest a little bit on our emotional connection, because before we come back together physically.

Yeah, I just think of the. And I've totally had these attitudes for sure, where it's used really as like, a chip to get what I want. Like, this is a tactic I'm using in order to get what I want. And it's interesting how even in addiction, you use what's true or what's biblical to, like, finagle your way around these loopholes to get what you want. And so for me, I just feel. Man, I feel really bad for the people who this has been used in an abusive way. And I don't mean sexual abuse, but I just mean using it in a way where they didn't feel like they could say no. And it really just. It makes me sad. But I think that we always have to go back to, and we've talked about this already, the motivations behind it, that maybe, maybe your marriage is in a place where sex hasn't been something that's on the table. And this is an absolutely important passage that needs to be addressed in your marriage. Like, look, this is something that isn't a part of our marriage, and it's. And to have that open and honest dialogue with grace, you know, being loving to each other and having that. But I think, and this is just my experience growing up in the church, this is definitely used more from like a top down kind of talking down to a wife or a spouse who sex maybe isn't a big deal to them, or it's just they're in that kind of season. So I think that I just would say always go back to what's the motivation of bringing this passage up in this conversation? Whether you're a pastor, whether you're a husband or a wife, whether you're a leader in the church. What's the motivation behind it?

Yeah, you know, I think about if I were going around and saying to people, you're to serve one another out of love, so go shine my shoes or go do my work for me, or go fetch me my suitcase, that I'm immediately abusing the whole purpose of that verse. I can't be the one demanding that you serve me in that way. And I think as a spouse, if we're the one saying, hey, you can't deprive me, because the Bible says I'm immediately twisting the purpose of that passage. And it really, to me, it's for us to take that responsibility on ourselves to. To recognize the biblical mandate that my body is not my own. And I'm here to focus on the needs of my spouse as they're here to focus on my needs. But if I'm telling you you can't deprive me, I'm not actually focusing on your needs now I'm focusing on mine. And that is immediately going against kind of the theme of not just this verse, but of all of scripture. The other thing that always comes to mind for me is I think we read in a 21st century version of sexuality into a 1st century scripture passage, because what is Paul intending when he says do not deprive one another? We read a 21st century sex saturated anytime you want, as often as you want kind of mindset. And I mean, I don't know exactly what Paul is referring to with the word do not deprive. But I'm guessing it's not the same kind of cultural context we have and that a much more sporadic kind of sexual relationship between husband and wife may have been very, very common in the first century. And so I think we just have to make sure. We're not reading into it what we want it to, but we take it with. As you were saying, Heather, how do we be healthy and how do I apply this to myself, not demand it of you?

That could be a culture change in a church where you start to really view sexuality in that way that it's not something. Because I think this is just. My guess is that the perspective brought into this type of argument is usually a male dominated argument. It's usually coming from a man, I would guess, and in unhealthy ways. So I'm not accusing anybody of this, but I just. To me, it seems more about the guy than it does both people and their sexual health together.

I've joked with couples in pre marriage counseling and said, if he ever pulls out that card and says, you're not supposed to deprive me, that you can pull out to the wife, I'll say pull out and say, well, you're supposed to love me like Christ loved the church and he died for her. So anytime you're willing to go die, then I'll be willing to not deprive you.

Basically, Jesus never had sex. So there you go. Okay. Just kidding.

It just points out there's any number of Bible verses we could all pull out totally to get what we want. And if we realize, oh, as soon as I'm doing that, I'm violating the Bible itself, then I think we can all back off and take a better view of it.