This transcript segment explains the Three Circles recovery tool: the inner circle lists behaviors constituting relapse, the middle circle lists behaviors/thoughts that increase relapse risk (guardrails), and the outer circle lists self-care and healthy alternatives. Speakers emphasize making the circles individualized, prioritizing the most harmful behaviors in the inner circle, and building concrete guardrails (e.g., limiting Internet use to work). They recommend pairing restrictions with healthy outlets (running, reading, puzzles) to avoid feeling confined, and suggest sharing the plan with a betrayed spouse to build trust. The segment also notes physiological effects of stress (catecholamine release, increased inflammation) and links outer-circle activities to downregulation and greater peace.
Foreign.
So for someone feeling overwhelmed, how can the three circles framework help them quickly identify safe behaviors versus old risky ones in these first couple of months of recovery?
Yeah. Well, and just to review quickly, the three circles exercise, the inner circle basically represents the things that constitute relapse. Middle circle are behaviors or thought patterns that put us at increased risk for relapse. And we develop guardrails based on those. And then the outer circle is self care and health. And I think it's, It's. It's so healthy. Health. Healthy and helpful when you're overwhelmed to have, like, again, it provides some structure and a plan. You. You write things down. I think I know for me, I didn't actually know very many. Like, when people talked about self care, I was kind of like, what's that? Like, it helped me to think through, like, oh, okay, so what are the things that actually fill me up? And you can write down things about, like, financial health, about physical health, intellectual health, spiritual health, all these different ways that you can fill yourself up and be whole and full. And so, yeah, it just provides some structure, some clarity, and, yeah. A place to turn. And again, it's something that's important to review frequently so that you have on your mind. And if you're intentional about working the outer circle, working on your health and your own self care and you're being aware of those middle circle behaviors, that would kind of be our alarms on our escape plan, then you're going to be in a really healthy place and in a. Much less likely to go down that hill toward relapse.
Yeah. And when you're creating a three circles, the middle one can be the hardest one to identify. And that's why it is important to get help. Because there's. There's two cautions here that we can put too many things in that inner circle. I'm guilty of that. Of, like, I'm gonna be on budget. I'm gonna eat clean. I'm never gonna look at porn or masturbate. I'm gonna clean my car every week. I'm gonna make my bed every day. Like, all these things that, you know, I'm never gonna talk to a girl. I'm gonna stop going to the mall. Like, it can be too, too much. And I, I always want to be careful, especially around betrayed spouses, because it's like, yes, stop all the bad behaviors, but we have to put the, you know, the three or four major ones in there first. Like, if we're seeing prostitutes and looking at porn at work and staying out too late, at the football party with friends that, you know, we. We may start with those first two, and then that other one is in the middle circle. And then as we get healthy and we can reassess our plan, we. We can bring more of those middle circle behaviors into the inner circle. So dealing with my anger was really a side effect of stuffing so many emotions and living in an addictive cycle. And so I didn't need to start with dealing with my anger. I needed to start with dealing with these other issues. And then I was able to focus on the anger next. And so there's that, and then there's that good things like the gym could look like a positive thing or negative thing. Reading books can look like a positive thing, or they can lead to romance, fantasy, and masturbation. Like there are so many things that could be self care and a slippery slope. And so you have to look at when you do those behaviors, what happens next or when you do those behaviors, where is your mind at? Are you leaving feeling positive and energized and feeling like you're pointed away from your relapse, or are you wrestling with wanting to do behaviors that are harmful to you or others? And if so, those always go in the middle behaviors, and it may not be forever later. You may able to have some of those back.
What I love about the three circles is I think it becomes a plan, like something you can look at every day. And I would encourage that every day look at, here's my plan. Here are the things in that middle inner circle that I'm committed not to doing and to be a person of integrity. Those are my commitments. And that middle circle, those are my guardrails. That's what I have to avoid. That's what I'm committed to steering clear of, because I know that's part of my old pattern. And those really need to be, you know, as Ashley was sharing, unique to you, unique to your story and struggle. Like, what has been my pattern? So if that's my pattern, what guardrails do I put in place? And then that outer circle can so clearly define what. What is my. Yes. What can I do instead? And so, for example, in. In our early days, I recognized, and my wife, you know, with her encouragement, that using the Internet for entertainment was. Was just a huge part of my pattern because I would kind of get zoned out. I'd waste time reading sports articles, I'd get triggered by something, and then I'm off, off I go. And so just I had to come to that point of saying, I'M not. The Internet is for work purposes, to look up something where I need help, but it is not where I go for entertainment, which is a good guardrail. But if I haven't also answered the question, what can I do for entertainment? It's going to be really challenging. I think many people in recovery have only defined their guardrails and they start to feel really confined and then because of that, eventually they break their guardrails because they're just looking for an outlet. And I would say to you, our listener, you do need outlets. You need places to go when you're stressed, you need ways to deal with boredom, you need ways to interact with others, but you need to do that in ways that promote health and freedom, not take you back to your old patterns. So for us it was answering those questions of what does entertainment like? When I legitimately need a break, when I need some refreshment, where do I go that promotes my health? And so I was able to identify things like being more engaged in, in my hobby of running, reading the newspaper was actually very non triggering but got gave me a lot of the same. This is about 20 years ago when we still, most of us could still get a newspaper. I know in some parts of the country that's not as common anymore, but you know, I could catch up on all the news in a very non triggering way there, you know, I did more crossword puzzles that might sound, make me sound like an old man, but like it was mentally engaging, it was a break from my work world and it was very non triggering. And so I'm not saying those need to be on your three circles, but, but that's the goal is like okay, if I take something away because I know it's part of my pattern, I also need to think what might be a legitimate need in that, but how could I meet that need in a way that's healthy? I can communicate it to others and it shows that I'm aware of where the dangers are at. So I just see too many people that think, well, I'm just not going to go to that site on my phone anymore. And yet if you still have your phone and it's with you all the time and that site's just a click away, your ability, you know, maybe 95% of the time you can say no and that'd be great. But it's that 5% of the time when you're tired, burnout, you don't really care and you click on that site again, it was too easy. And so if that means Getting rid of that phone or getting rid of the browser or whatever it takes to block access to that. It's worthwhile. And then knowing where will I go instead when I'm feeling that need for a healthy escape.
Yeah. Yeah. And thinking about this tool, too, as far as, like, being overwhelmed, both on the. The person who's struggling or the addict side and also the betrayed spouse side, I think it can help provide peace for both of them. Because so often early in recovery, you know, the betrayed spouse is going to put very little stock in the words that are spoken, but they put a lot of stock in the things that they're seeing being lived out in front of them. And so if you share your three circles exercise with your spouse, they see the things that are in the outer circle, and then they see you engaging in those things that likely are new and are a change in your pattern. They see you living it out. That will give them some confidence that you're. You're being intentional. And I just think about, like, from. Even from a medical standpoint, the effects that stress has on the body for both. Both people within the couple. And so when we're stressed, we have, like, this release of catecholamines, increased inflammation within our bodies. Like, everything starts to work against us. But when. If we're working our outer circle and we have like. Like you said, it gives us a plan, it brings order. We can be in a place of peace, which helps to downregulate, get us into the parasympathetic nervous system. Everything is relaxed. We can be. Makes me think about, you know, we're. We're called, you know, God wants us to be. To live a life of abundance. And so it's difficult to do that when you're just wrapped up in this addiction. And so when we start to gain some freedom and some clarity, it can bring peace, and we can move into a place of abundance and where we're starting to look out at others and not just dealing with our own stuff and being sat.
