A multi-speaker discussion (host Nick Stumbo with guests) about ways couples can cultivate intimacy when sex is unavailable or inappropriate. Speakers recommend focusing on emotional connection through emotional vocabulary and check-ins, non-sexual touch (holding hands, hair/head touch, back rubs with boundaries), acts of service (chores, picking up fallen fruit, family activities), and regular date nights. Emphasis is on trust, permission, consistency, and viewing physical intimacy as arising naturally from a foundation of emotional closeness.
Let's kind of come to this idea that if sex is off the table for any number of reasons, whether there's been disclosure or there's just a season of sexlessness or there's physical things going on, there's maybe someone's just had a baby. I mean, all the reasons that are out there. What are other things that couples can focus on to build intimacy in their marriage and connection that go beyond just the physical side of having sex?
Yeah. So this is one of those things too, that I think sometimes couples have to be a little bit creative. But we have said a lot in our curriculum, we've said it on podcasts that emotional intimacy has to precede physical intimacy. And I think that sometimes when there are seasons that for whatever reason, couples are not engaging in sex, that it really gives them an opportunity, a great opportunity to build into their emotional relational connection. And some of that could be even things like going through or even using like emotional intelligence to communicate, like, how are you feeling today? And using feeling words, not I feel like the laundry is never going to be done forever. You know, not something like that, but just to say I feel overwhelmed or I feel excited or I feel, you know, those kind of, that language, just to communicate better, to build out your emotional vocabulary. I think also spending time working on non sexual touch is huge. It's a huge, huge thing, I think in couples, and especially if the relationship has been fractured in some way. And really, I think sometimes it has to take the form of saying, is it okay if I hold your hand tonight when we're out on our date night? You know, those kind of things, asking permission because I'm going to reach into your personal space. Right. And we've had issues in this area. And so can I have your permission to hold your hand tonight when we're out? Those kind of things. And I think that that communicates a lot to a spouse that you're. Because that takes trust. You know, also things like. And I know this one sounds kind of weird, but it really can be a really positive experience. But not many people know that your head and the top of your head is a really, really intimate area of your body. I mean, think about that for a minute. How many times or who do you let somebody, I mean, who gets to touch the top of your head?
One person.
Right, right. It's very intimate space. And so even doing things that are non sexual, like wash your wife's hair, you know, something like that, something that is going to have this, this intimacy to it, but it's not Leading to sex. And it really has more to do with trust. Do I trust you enough to be that close to me, to be in my intimate space like that? You know, I think all of those kind of things can be really helpful in moving a couple into a place where they do feel safe and they are building trust. And even if it's small things, you know, and these incremental things, I think that people find that when they do those things consistently, that it really does create a really powerful foundation for change. And it really. But it's slow. Sometimes it's slow, and people don't like that so much. But I think that it can be a really powerful tool in redefining and recreating a relationship that's going to lead to physical intimacy.
You talked about at the beginning, like, it'll kind of vary from couple to couple. And just some examples of things I found that build intimacy is. And they may seem silly and not connected to intimacy at all, but I've realized that they are that. Like, we have these apple trees in our front yard, that the apples are bad and they drop all over, and if they get bad, then we have bees, and it's this whole stupid thing. What I've realized is that when I go out and I see them and I pick them up, whether I'm with Amy or not, like, that grows our intimacy. She feels seen, she feels valued, she feels cared for. We have blackberries all over our property. It's awesome. And the fact that God made something that could hurt you so bad but tastes so good is unbelievable. There's a theology book right there.
That's a good illustration.
Oh, gosh, that is perfect. But doing that as a family, and that's what's interesting, too, is being intimate in that way with your spouse doesn't just have to include just you two. Like, when the four of us go out, our two boys, me and my wife go out and do that, it fills my wife's bucket, you know, obviously full of blackberries. But also emotionally, or knowing that, like, sometimes there'll be dishes in the sink. And even if she's there or not, the fact that I did them, I'm still pouring into my relationship by doing that. And these are not ways to pat me on the back. These are just ways I've identified that if I'm feeling disconnected or distant from my wife, I just do these things and I'm taking steps toward her. And then in that sense, and I feel like even things outside of physical touch or words or things like that, it can be small things that you do and maybe more acts of service things that you can do that really can pour into that.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, we do have to, we have to guard against the thought that if I just do enough good things, then I'll earn or deserve. We've talked about that. But on the other hand, there is a need to be attentive to what your spouse likes and needs. And when you do those things, it shows care for them. And I think when we consistently see someone caring for us, it does open our heart to them. So in a relationship, just to ask the question, what do we do to show care and attentiveness to one another? Or what can. If I'm the only one of our coupleship that listens to this podcast, what can I do to show care and attentiveness to my spouse? You know, for us, it's regular date nights where we get out of the house, we get away from the kids and the chores and the jobs and we go somewhere and it could be somewhere cheap and easy, or it might be somewhere more expensive and nice. The goal, though, is to get out and just focus on us again. That is so, so huge for my wife. And you've talked about, Trevor, that non sexual touch of saying to our spouse, I would like to give you a back rub and I don't want it to lead to sex. In fact, I'm not gonna let it. That is not the expectation here. I really would just. Could I just rub your back? And that may be a brand new thing where our spouse is like, really? Are you sure? Are you treating me? Yeah.
And you're like, I don't know yet.
So practicing things like that, taking initiative to serve them in a way that you don't normally. Doing emotional check ins like we've talked about on other podcast episodes of sharing your faster skill with one another, doing a fanos check in to get into some of the. How are you doing? Without the expectation that that's just the prerequisite or the appetizer to sex, it's like, no, the goal is to build intimacy and connection. And then as we've said, if that leads to sexual, then sex is the icing on the cake. It's the dessert, it's the cherry on top. But what we're really trying to build is connection and intimacy. And we've just seen over and over that if that's the goal and that's happening in a healthy way, sex seems to start to flow out of that without trying to make it a whole Are you in the mood or not? It's like it's just part of now, our coupleship, and I think that's what we should all be after.
